Comments on: 33 Percent Of Children Access Porn On The Internet Before The Age Of 10 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/33-percent-of-children-access-porn-on-the-internet-before-the-age-of-10/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Fri, 18 May 2012 15:55:57 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Flora http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/33-percent-of-children-access-porn-on-the-internet-before-the-age-of-10/#comment-6069 Flora Wed, 30 Jun 2010 13:28:50 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2872#comment-6069 Thank You Diane. I know this is just the start on the journey. It is educational to learn how everyone is dealing with their situation and what works for them. What makes it so tough is that there is so much which is unkown. Alot of dealing with this addiction is uncharted waters as it is so new. Especially for the spouse or partner of the addict. Thank you for you support and your response. :-) Fauna Thank You Diane. I know this is just the start on the journey. It is educational to learn how everyone is dealing with their situation and what works for them. What makes it so tough is that there is so much which is unkown. Alot of dealing with this addiction is uncharted waters as it is so new. Especially for the spouse or partner of the addict.

Thank you for you support and your response. :-)

Fauna

]]> By: Diane http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/33-percent-of-children-access-porn-on-the-internet-before-the-age-of-10/#comment-6067 Diane Tue, 29 Jun 2010 22:24:02 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2872#comment-6067 HI Flora, Really sorry to meet you under these circumstances, but also really glad you are reaching out. The isolation thing is so hard on us. First, give yourself a pat on the back for all the steps you've taken so far, and all the things you've realized are important for yourself and your children. And second, accept a big hug from me and lots of others here who know exactly how much it hurts, how much anger it generates, and how much we lose to his addiction. I am one of the women here who advocates for creating a safe environment for yourself and your children by living apart from the addict until you have some boundaries established and some evidence of his sobriety. That does not necessarily mean divorce. It means living apart until you have what need to ensure your sanity and the safety of your family from the damaging behaviour of the sex addict. The resource my husband and I used is called a healing separation agreement and you can find it by doing a search online. But this agreement really only works when you know you and your partner share basic values and are committed to sobriety and recovery. Otherwise you may need to see a lawyer to ensure the proper financial agreement for you and your children. A sex addict who is not yet fully conscious to his addiction and the destructive consequences of it is not a good candidate for a healing separation agreement. That's my opinion only. I totally get your desire to not be around for his "slips" etc. My life has so many obligations and having a job is crucial to my own security. I can't come home to more drama from him. And there is drama. The journey is rocky and lurching from step to step and then back a few. It's been since September for me, and we've lived apart since January. My husband does his recovery program like another full time job, and he can still traumatize me without knowing it most of the time. It's like he's coming out of a coma or something. It takes a long long time to get sober, discover the original trauma underneath the addiction, start dealing with that, stay sober, and then change the way he relates to his wife because of all those things. I know I can't live with him while he's stumbling around in his half-coma pain. Flora, only you know what you can handle emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Just don't underestimate your need to be safe and your children's right to be away from his crazy and his porn. if you have to ask friends and family for help. Do it. I wish you lots of light as you find your way. Diane. HI Flora,
Really sorry to meet you under these circumstances, but also really glad you are reaching out. The isolation thing is so hard on us.

First, give yourself a pat on the back for all the steps you’ve taken so far, and all the things you’ve realized are important for yourself and your children. And second, accept a big hug from me and lots of others here who know exactly how much it hurts, how much anger it generates, and how much we lose to his addiction.

I am one of the women here who advocates for creating a safe environment for yourself and your children by living apart from the addict until you have some boundaries established and some evidence of his sobriety. That does not necessarily mean divorce. It means living apart until you have what need to ensure your sanity and the safety of your family from the damaging behaviour of the sex addict.

The resource my husband and I used is called a healing separation agreement and you can find it by doing a search online. But this agreement really only works when you know you and your partner share basic values and are committed to sobriety and recovery. Otherwise you may need to see a lawyer to ensure the proper financial agreement for you and your children. A sex addict who is not yet fully conscious to his addiction and the destructive consequences of it is not a good candidate for a healing separation agreement. That’s my opinion only.

I totally get your desire to not be around for his “slips” etc. My life has so many obligations and having a job is crucial to my own security. I can’t come home to more drama from him. And there is drama. The journey is rocky and lurching from step to step and then back a few. It’s been since September for me, and we’ve lived apart since January. My husband does his recovery program like another full time job, and he can still traumatize me without knowing it most of the time. It’s like he’s coming out of a coma or something.

It takes a long long time to get sober, discover the original trauma underneath the addiction, start dealing with that, stay sober, and then change the way he relates to his wife because of all those things. I know I can’t live with him while he’s stumbling around in his half-coma pain.

Flora, only you know what you can handle emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Just don’t underestimate your need to be safe and your children’s right to be away from his crazy and his porn. if you have to ask friends and family for help. Do it.

I wish you lots of light as you find your way.
Diane.

]]> By: Flora http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/33-percent-of-children-access-porn-on-the-internet-before-the-age-of-10/#comment-6066 Flora Tue, 29 Jun 2010 16:37:56 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2872#comment-6066 I found out my husband is a sex addict in February 2010. I had stumbled across porn over the years (maybe once a year, he was very good at covering his tracks). Due to a chain of events I realized that my husbands need for porn exceeded that which was what I viewed as normal as and more than I had ever expected. I like many other people had thought thatâ??s what men do, but to a certain point. I certainly never knew there was such a thing as porn or sex addiction. I was lied to since the day I met him, we have been married for 4 years, dated for 3. I have a 12 and 14 year old from a previous marriage and we have a 2.5 year old together. The initial impact of me finding his addiction was for him to seek counseling and he said that he would just "stop". He resisted 12 step meetings and said that he would do it on his own (which we all know does not work). I had tried to believe him and allowed him the freedom to "try". I did install a program on the computer which monitored his activity as I am not stupid. In May I found that he had been back at it. This was not the most traumatic part. The most traumatic part was that he did it early in the morning around 8 after I had left for work and viewed graphic images for over two hours two days in a row while he was watching the 2.5 year old. This broke my heart and I realized that he is truly not capable of choosing between right and wrong or for the well being of our daughter. Our computer is in our living room and we have a very small house. She plays in the living room and this is also where our TV is located. He likes to maintain that he minimized the screen, and I have the proof that he did not. Even faced with the cold hard facts of his addiction he continues to lie. (PS I did call Child protective services and they stated that unless there was neglect that this was not child abuse, but bad parenting) He was kicked out of the home and was allowed back in after he agreed and started attending 12 step programs. My daughter is now in daycare as I work full time and this is a huge relief. He no longer has access to our home computer as the passwords have been changed. But I do still worry about having him in the house. He is in his second attempt (about 45 days) but I am still at a cross roads of what to do. I keep asking myself "what about the kids?â?? Quit frankly I don't want him in our house, I am trying to keep some sense of stability for the kids, but at what point do you draw the line? My older daughters are both aware of what is going on as we have told them. I have been trying to push them into counseling, and have not been to terribly successful. I go to counseling myself and am looking for an f2f meetings to attend, but do attend online COSA meetings at the present time. I don't want a divorce at the present time, but don't want to be dragged through every little mis-step or slip that he has, for me or my kids. Luckily we work split shifts, and he is gone most evenings, which are the highlight of my week. Sounds like many people have tried a separation. I am happy that I have a place to post this information. Everything in COSA is to reflect on yourself and not the addict. So you never really get to bounce this stuff off other people. This addiction is so isolating. Anybody have any advice....especially when kids involved? I found out my husband is a sex addict in February 2010. I had stumbled across porn over the years (maybe once a year, he was very good at covering his tracks). Due to a chain of events I realized that my husbands need for porn exceeded that which was what I viewed as normal as and more than I had ever expected. I like many other people had thought thatâ??s what men do, but to a certain point. I certainly never knew there was such a thing as porn or sex addiction. I was lied to since the day I met him, we have been married for 4 years, dated for 3. I have a 12 and 14 year old from a previous marriage and we have a 2.5 year old together.

The initial impact of me finding his addiction was for him to seek counseling and he said that he would just “stop”. He resisted 12 step meetings and said that he would do it on his own (which we all know does not work). I had tried to believe him and allowed him the freedom to “try”. I did install a program on the computer which monitored his activity as I am not stupid. In May I found that he had been back at it. This was not the most traumatic part. The most traumatic part was that he did it early in the morning around 8 after I had left for work and viewed graphic images for over two hours two days in a row while he was watching the 2.5 year old. This broke my heart and I realized that he is truly not capable of choosing between right and wrong or for the well being of our daughter. Our computer is in our living room and we have a very small house. She plays in the living room and this is also where our TV is located. He likes to maintain that he minimized the screen, and I have the proof that he did not. Even faced with the cold hard facts of his addiction he continues to lie. (PS I did call Child protective services and they stated that unless there was neglect that this was not child abuse, but bad parenting)

He was kicked out of the home and was allowed back in after he agreed and started attending 12 step programs. My daughter is now in daycare as I work full time and this is a huge relief. He no longer has access to our home computer as the passwords have been changed. But I do still worry about having him in the house. He is in his second attempt (about 45 days) but I am still at a cross roads of what to do. I keep asking myself “what about the kids?â?? Quit frankly I don’t want him in our house, I am trying to keep some sense of stability for the kids, but at what point do you draw the line? My older daughters are both aware of what is going on as we have told them. I have been trying to push them into counseling, and have not been to terribly successful. I go to counseling myself and am looking for an f2f meetings to attend, but do attend online COSA meetings at the present time. I don’t want a divorce at the present time, but don’t want to be dragged through every little mis-step or slip that he has, for me or my kids. Luckily we work split shifts, and he is gone most evenings, which are the highlight of my week. Sounds like many people have tried a separation.

I am happy that I have a place to post this information. Everything in COSA is to reflect on yourself and not the addict. So you never really get to bounce this stuff off other people. This addiction is so isolating.

Anybody have any advice….especially when kids involved?

]]> By: Lynn http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/33-percent-of-children-access-porn-on-the-internet-before-the-age-of-10/#comment-6008 Lynn Thu, 17 Jun 2010 01:30:03 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2872#comment-6008 I started my son's therapy with his own therapist 2 1/2 years ago because of all the turmoil his father's sex addiction caused our family. It is a main concern in his therapy and his father (we are now divorced) is court ordered to attend therapy sessions with our son due to his addictions, spousal abuse, and abandonment....and all caused from his addiction to porn and affairs. He does not show for the therapy. You cannot hide the addicts problems. I have brought up in my son's therapy the addiction and people (therapists and courts)listen. This is because they care about the children. But you have to have your proof. The addicts counseling records and proof from financial statements or whatever you have needs to be used. I was lucky enough to find a wonderful therapist who does realize the damage caused by being with a parent who is a SA. My son goes to see her every two weeks. My ex SA had a father who views porn too and treated his wife like a dog. He was a very likable person except he would treat his own wife so terribly. SA and abuse does follow in generations. I am doing everything possible to make sure it never becomes a part of my son's life. I don't want my son to grow up to be anything like his father who has ruined his life (and just about ruined ours). I started my son’s therapy with his own therapist 2 1/2 years ago because of all the turmoil his father’s sex addiction caused our family. It is a main concern in his therapy and his father (we are now divorced) is court ordered to attend therapy sessions with our son due to his addictions, spousal abuse, and abandonment….and all caused from his addiction to porn and affairs. He does not show for the therapy.
You cannot hide the addicts problems. I have brought up in my son’s therapy the addiction and people (therapists and courts)listen. This is because they care about the children. But you have to have your proof. The addicts counseling records and proof from financial statements or whatever you have needs to be used.
I was lucky enough to find a wonderful therapist who does realize the damage caused by being with a parent who is a SA. My son goes to see her every two weeks. My ex SA had a father who views porn too and treated his wife like a dog. He was a very likable person except he would treat his own wife so terribly. SA and abuse does follow in generations. I am doing everything possible to make sure it never becomes a part of my son’s life.
I don’t want my son to grow up to be anything like his father who has ruined his life (and just about ruined ours).

]]> By: Diane http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/33-percent-of-children-access-porn-on-the-internet-before-the-age-of-10/#comment-6006 Diane Wed, 16 Jun 2010 21:20:12 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2872#comment-6006 Exactly the point, Caroline! Thank you for underlining the fact that children are likely to stumble onto the porn that the porn addict views in the home, and sometimes brings into the home. This is especially likely when the porn addict is in the "trance" mode while viewing, and doesn't cover his tracks as well as he might. My stomach is still in knots over another mother who didn't want to break up her family by asking the offending porn addict to leave (even temporarily) the house. It's wonderful that she now has found a support group because she truly deserves it , and her husband is in a program---BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN???? They don't have a support group. They don't have a counselor. All they have are the images imprinted on their minds, and parents who seem more concerned with what other people might think, than the impact on the children. I hope that as these parents engage their therapeutic journey, they will see the wider impact of this family trauma. I do more than hope--I'm praying up a storm. I know it's not fair that the mother is the one who has to take the lead and make the hard decisions, face the questions of friends, family, church members, colleagues, etc. There is nothing fair about what sex addicts do to their spouses and children. But we have to get our priorities straight here. What our children are exposed to in the area of pornography, and the message about that porn that parents give through their words and more importantly, their actions---these things will shape their souls and psyches in negative ways. Does anyone know of support groups and therapeutic programs for children living with a sex addict parent or family member? Maybe mothers and father just don't know where to turn for help. Stay safe and keep the children safe. Exactly the point, Caroline!

Thank you for underlining the fact that children are likely to stumble onto the porn that the porn addict views in the home, and sometimes brings into the home. This is especially likely when the porn addict is in the “trance” mode while viewing, and doesn’t cover his tracks as well as he might.

My stomach is still in knots over another mother who didn’t want to break up her family by asking the offending porn addict to leave (even temporarily) the house. It’s wonderful that she now has found a support group because she truly deserves it , and her husband is in a program—BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN???? They don’t have a support group. They don’t have a counselor. All they have are the images imprinted on their minds, and parents who seem more concerned with what other people might think, than the impact on the children. I hope that as these parents engage their therapeutic journey, they will see the wider impact of this family trauma. I do more than hope–I’m praying up a storm.

I know it’s not fair that the mother is the one who has to take the lead and make the hard decisions, face the questions of friends, family, church members, colleagues, etc. There is nothing fair about what sex addicts do to their spouses and children. But we have to get our priorities straight here. What our children are exposed to in the area of pornography, and the message about that porn that parents give through their words and more importantly, their actions—these things will shape their souls and psyches in negative ways.

Does anyone know of support groups and therapeutic programs for children living with a sex addict parent or family member? Maybe mothers and father just don’t know where to turn for help.

Stay safe and keep the children safe.

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