In a recent comment I was asked the following question:
JoAnn
Do you experience true intimacy with your husband Larry now? Has Larry changed? I know you said that healthy sexual intimacy is not programmed into a sex addicts brain, but is it possible to change that? Can the compulsion to have sex slowly dissipate with years of behavioral therapy? Can they be “enlightened” so to speak?
I thought that many of you may be wondering the same thing, so I decided to post my reply here so that you could all see my answer.
A Sex Addict, with determination and motivation, can change the choices that they make. A Sex Addict can learn healthier ways of dealing with emotional pain and stress and they can shed some of their deeply ingrained anger over childhood traumas with intensive therapy. They can recondition themselves to enjoy healthier, although less exciting, forms of sexual expression and they can learn to overcome some of the shame and guilt that they feel about sex.
I know this is possible because my husband Larry has accomplished all of these things. The journey has not been easy for either one of us. I found out about his thousand dollar a month prostitute habit just three and a half months after we were married. We had been together for three years and I knew he had been in chat rooms during our relationship. He started counseling during that time at my insistence and his therapist assured me that there were no underlying problems, just a transient interest in the chat rooms due to stress. At his therapist’s reassurance I agreed to marry Larry, not knowing he had lied to the therapist and was hiding a Sexual Addiction and visiting prostitutes several times a week.
The road to Larry’s recovery was long and difficult. I just couldn’t accept the enormity of his deceit, infidelities and lies and I decided that we needed to live apart for a while to sort things out. We lived in separate states for three and a half years. During that time Larry went through a long period of denial, lying to me, to his counselors and to his 12 step groups. He fluctuated between bouts of sobriety and bouts of acting out. He begged me to come back to him, insisting that he was committed to his recovery.
I maintained that I had not seen the ‘paradigm shift’ in his attitude that I felt was necessary. He didn’t understand what I meant and at times would yell, ‘Just what do you want from me, JoAnn?’ All I could say was ‘I’ll know it when I see it.’
We both underwent weekly counseling and Larry also attended a weekly support group for Sex Addicts as well as several 12 step meetings each week. He struggled and just could not connect with his counselor. Eventually Larry had a breakthrough when his third counselor focused on working through his anger over his childhood abandonment issues of his mother leaving him and his sister when he was very young, and his physical abuse in a foster home. He started taking anti depressants, which helped his morose mood immensely. Another odd event, which we cannot explain but he claims was crucial to his recovery, was the fact that he took the drug Chantix to stop smoking. He claims it not only took away his urge to smoke, but also took away his urge to act out. I have no scientific evidence that this is even a possibility, but I have written several posts on the brain chemistry of Sex Addicts. It may have had an effect or it may just be a coincidence.
After we were separated for over two years and while I was attempting to move on with my life by doing some casual dating, Larry and I came to the conclusion that there were a lot of positive aspects to our relationship and that we had a lot of things in common. Larry was, and still is, deeply in love with me and I had to face the fact that I loved him too. We both have calm, quiet personalities, we like to travel, love animals, love our children and grandchildren (from previous marriages); we are both ambitious, well educated and enjoy the theater, the symphony, great food and a good glass of red wine. We were both able and willing to take early retirement from our jobs and we knew we could be happy together if only he could get his addiction under control and stop his chronic lying (he lied about everything, even things that he didn’t need to lie about).
Larry worked hard on regaining my trust while we were separated as I have outlined in some of my posts. I think the final event that sealed Larry’s recovery was a commitment that I made to him in response to all the commitments and changes that he had made. When we decided that Larry should move back in with me, my commitment that I would never leave him, no matter what, seemed to be the final piece of the puzzle that he needed to feel secure. Remember, he had huge abandonment issues over his mother just walking out on him and his younger sister before he was five years old.
So, how could I make a statement like, ‘I will never leave you’? I made that commitment because I truly meant it. I knew I loved Larry, I knew I wanted to be with him, I knew he had made a firm commitment to never act out again, I knew that I would recognize any ‘pre acting out’ behaviors and we would deal with them immediately. I knew that if he did have a slip that we would be able to work through it and I knew that he had made a tremendous change in the way he communicated. His therapy freed him to talk about his addiction without his previous shame and guilt, and, he had stopped lying.
So, how is our life now? It is extremely stable and calm and we are both very happy. Larry does not struggle with urges to act out, but he is ever vigilant to not stare at or objectify women. Even on our Caribbean Cruise last year he was able to conduct himself admirably around the pool area. He is able to talk about his feelings and continues to go to 12 step meetings twice a week. Sex is not very exciting, but it is satisfying for both of us. He is working on focusing on my pleasure. His drive has diminished considerably, which is normal when Sex Addicts give up their fantasy world. He struggles with associating intimacy with sex as he really doesn’t understand the concept. Sex to a Sex Addict is a medication, a selfish act without love or closeness, with no concern or connection with the objectified person who just happens to serve their purpose. But, we do talk about it a lot and we are both content with allowing time to eventually help him integrate sex with love and intimacy. At this point Larry says sex is simply a release rather than an expression of love and closeness. He says he feels the closest to me when we snuggle, cuddle and talk, which does happen every night.
A relationship with a Sex Addict requires absolute commitment from both parties, and even with that commitment it may not always work. Both Larry and I have met so many Sex Addicts and their wives who are not in a good place in their relationship. Many Sex Addicts attend 12 step meetings for decades yet continue to lie and act out. Many wives cannot overcome the deception and lies and are unable to forgive their husbands even after years of sobriety. Each relationship is so complex and so individual it is impossible to make any predictions about success or failure.
In the end we all make our own choices and we all live with those choices. Choices are much easier if we educate ourselves about Sex Addiction and have the support of others who have similar experiences. That’s what this site and my book are all about. It’s about sharing and caring, support and hope–and courage. We are brave, strong and resilient. And armed with knowledge we can make healthy choices and overcome this crisis with a unique inborn strength that only women share. Love to all.
I’m not ready to share my entire experience just yet, ridiculous since it started 18yrs ago, but wanted to let EACH and EVERY ONE of you know that you have very likely saved my life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s thought “there’s only one way out of marriage” but by knowing I am not alone I have begun to confront everything and I’m getting help-don’t care if he does or not-I’m feeling much better, 3 daily antidepressants probably help that. LOL, that’s o.k. though….it’s better than being where I was a month and a half ago!!!! I’m also re-evaluating my stance on divorce, would my HP REALLY want me to remain in an abusive marriage? I don’t think so! Maybe it’s a painful test to see if I can pull my head out of the sand and move my ass!
Anyway…THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH FOR THE PROFOUND POSITIVE EFFECT YOU’VE HAD ON ME JUST THIS FAR!!
DeeDee
JoAnn,
I wasnt aware of this development and i am really really sad to hear about this.
Huggssss and tons of gratitude for being there for me in my darkest hour.
Sanity>>the Regained bit of my screen name is owed to this website.
Lola we are all extremely sad to see you on this website.None of us should really be here.
but, we are here and that is what none of us can change.
But , please please get rid of this Mother Theresa syndrome>>you leaving him and he would go down the drain and he would destroy himself????
OH really?
I didnt see that happening when he left his first wife.He has gone on merrily with his whores.What i see is you going down the drain and destroying yourself.
Please believe me all of us here , barring none , and i mean not even barring JoAnn who really showed us the light of the day on sex addiction, fell for this one.
That we were different, that our sex addict was different, that our relationship was different and that I was different and I would save the SA and without me he would be ruined.
Its a canard we tell ourselves because we dont somehow have the courage to get up and go.
They are never ruined, we feel that way because according o our moral compass thats ruinous>We , to them are stick in the mud who dont know how to enjoy life.
I am extremely sorry if i come across as harsh, but it is this nonsense which keeps us enmeshed with their sorry asses till one fine day we wake up and realise that its our souls that have been destroyed whereas they have gone hopping merrily from hookers to hookers.
Please stay, if thats what you want , but dont stay back as some sort of Saviour.
PS>>I just lose it when i hear one more SA story destroying one more innocent family.
Lola,
please. This couldn’t be more clear. There is no hope and he has already told you that he would be relieved if someone else took you off of his hands. BELIEVE HIM. He’s a goner. He’s only admitting to what you’ve discovered. but I can assure you that there is much, much more to this than you can possibly even imagine.
Honey, he’s fucking around left and right. He cannot be faithful to you or any woman. The kind and generous gentleman is certainly a part of his persona, but don’t be fooled by that…
This is a man who is “comfortable” in strip clubs, because they don’t judge? REALLY??? And honey PALEEEEEESE… they do not go in there just to have a drink and a chat! and you have the AUDACITY to complain because he’s out all hours of the day and night? What is wrong with you woman?!?!? Don’t you know that a man has a right to do whatever the fuck he wants? (this is what he thinks, not what I think, of course)
He is a master manipulator and you are enabling him by providing a clean home, clothes and meals. nice little set up he has going as long as you know your place and keep mum. So, if you can live with him fucking around and be a good little wifey-poo(and many women do), then stay. Otherwise, cut your losses and leave, because I can assure you that its not ever going to get any better. This is a very sick, sick man. He has made this crystal clear. This is the way he is. He needs this. He knows its wrong, but for whatever his reasons, this is what keeps him going. I’m so sorry. It truly sucks and you are absolutely not alone. best ~ K
Lola,
I found out after sixteen years my husband was a sex addict. He sleep with over 200 hundred woman
and spent over 100,00 dollars. He slept with prostitutes while I was pregnant and even the day after I gave birth. He manipulated me, set me up, and pushed me away emotionally. We are both seeing therapist. I have taken over the finances and give him an allowance. I have found money in his draw and escort phone numbers in his car. He has been in theapy for over a year. I am on a rollercoaster ride and taking my children with me. My son doesn’t want to be around him and refuses therapy. I want to believe he will change. I know he loves his family but we are being torn apart. Trying to get the courage up to end this torment. Save yourself and your children. They will love and respect you!…..Good Luck Steph
Almost thirty years into marriage we have spent more time apart these last five years than together. He acts out gets caught gets kicked out goes to his dad and lives the single life. Well his dad died, he is turning 52 and all alone wants to come back home since he pays for everything. I would rather eat a bullet than live with him again. Lies fall out of his mouth like slobber from a frothing dog in heat. There is no change for a sex addict just lies to themselves everyone close to them or who will listen and destruction…oh the destruction. Wives lose their dignity, honor, minds and have to face they can’t be women with normal needs wants or desires if they stay with these animals. Wait wait the years pass…who will die first? Then freedom?
My partner told me when we first started dating that his first marriage ended due to his sex addiction. He had been to massage places for sex, prostitutes, strip clubs etc. He was involved in heavy porn, porn magazines to feed the addiction. We have dated two years now. I have noticed a change in him over the course of almost a year now. He used to show me affection, buy me flowers, hug me and would call me from work to see how my day was going. These things have totally almost stopped. I asked him why. He told me that he pulled away because he realized that he couldnt give me what I need and want. He began to cry and share with me that he is really battling with his sexual addiction again. He said he thought he could change and he realized he cant. I thought something was up when he would say things like “ignorance is bliss”‘ or things like being with just one person the rest of your life doesnt seem normal. He felt that religion is what would make people want to be faithful. He mentioned to me that if I wanted to have sex with another man that he was ok with it. After all he felt it was just sex. He should interest in us becoming swingers or having 3somes. Thats when it hit me that something was very very wrong here. I mentioned that I was going to move out. He said “what was the rush?” He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me however the pulling away has been very painful. He told me that he hasnt acted out yet but doesnt want to live the rest of his life restraining himself. I don’t know if he really wants to try to get help. He said he is very comfortable in stripclubs because they don’t judge. When he was done I didnt know how I felt other than alot of sadness. All of a sudden the house didnt look so pretty anymore, my life seemed so scary and insecure. I was hoping that he wouldnt take it to the levels that he did when he was married to his first wife. Now I know he is telling me that the addiction is bigger than the both of us. He asked me the next day how I felt. I mentioned to him that I didnt know but that it was clear that no matter what I felt he was going to have sex with other people if he hasnt already. He swore he hasnt dont anything other than the two times I walked in a strip club after seeing his truck there. He was with the same stripper talking a drinking with her. When I approached them nicely and asked what he was doing there he acted calm and asked me if I wanted a drink. I was extremely hurt. Putting that behind me I felt like I had gotten over it then he gives me the bad news of his sexual addiction battle again. Im very very sad, I love him so much but I know that I can either stay and help him battle this if he wants to get help or I must sadly walk away and save myself the pain. I love him but now I feel very insecure of the relationship and sad when I look at him because I love him so much. He is always very sweet, kind and generous always trying to help me with money etc. He is always there for my friends and family. He is very kind and well liked. I went thru this same sort of thing with my ex husband and I am sad that I am in these shoes again with the only man I have loved since my ex husband. I asked my partner the other day. What am I to you as of now? He replied that I was still his girlfriend and he said he was just letting me know what he starting to go thru and that he has days when hes ok and days when his mind starts to really battle. He said that he didnt want me to have to go thru what he put his exwife thru and he would be sad but happy and relieved if I found a man who could give me what I needed. He said he loved me but doesnt feel the same for me that he did almost a year ago. He mentioned that it was due to the argueing . I told him well it is because he would come home late and drunk and wouldnt let me know if he was ok or pick up the phone when I would call. He told me that i was controlling. lol. I tried to explain that we argued because he would have me on a rollercoaster. As of four months ago I just stopped bothering him, I am always getting up and making his nice breakfast, lunch for work. Somedays I drive 45 min to treat him at his work to late lunch. He always comes home to a hug and kiss and clean house and his clothes washed. I alway dress up and look nice for him and he hardly compliments me anymore. I realize after researching sexual addiction that it is very common that the sex addict pulls away because he is starting to live the secret life again and has to hide. They dont have the capability of connecting emotionally. I get that this is the real reason. He said he loves me just had to pull away for the obviouse reasons. I would like to know since he told me on his own is there hope? He was honest at the begining of the relationship. Would it be much easier for me to leave and let him battle this on his own. I know Me leaving he would really go down the drain and destroy himself but I am not sure if I want to go thru this heartache again. Please give me some feedback. Thank you.
Don’t get me wrong I have felt the pain of a sex addict and believe we are in recovery,however, when I read this web page( perhaps looking for individuals in similar situations) there does not appear to be any success stories.
I’m not different to anyone else here just hoping there is someone besides jo-anne that can say they have recovered.
Sorry Mary. Unfortunately my husband’s story has become one of another failure at recovery. We tried everything, I know he wants desperately to be a better person. It is just not possible. These men are what they are and we all need to stop wasting years or decades of our lives hoping that they can change when in reality they cannot.
Reading through my stories that I have posted here over the last almost seven years, you can see the commitment and hope that I had. We weathered a few regressions into bad behavior, but I thought we had it licked. We did not.
You can read a bit of my update in the About Me section.
I have shared my situation with the Sisters in the Sisterhood, but have just not gotten around to doing a summary here. I hope to do that soon.
It’s just so sad. They are sad. But I, for one, cannot devote my life to someone who just does not have the capacity to change.
My new eBook on Personality Disorders explains it very well. ~ JoAnn
I have recovered, but we did not recover, and he did not recover. I know he is not capable of it! It is not possible to change, unless you want to, more than anything else in life. He may tell you this is what he wants, but in reality, these addicts, do not see how sick they really are. And, until one admits, just how big the problem is, they cannot even attempt to get well. I am a firm believer, that they will never recover, not even the 5% recovery rate, that some think are possible. They are narcistic perverts. And being that they always choose themselves as most important, their wants and needs and desires come first, ahead of their own children, it just makes me sick, but this is all ok, as in the end, they will get left with their favorite person on earth, themselves! ALONE, they will be with all their fantasies!!!! Good Luck Mary, but my dear woman, take your blinders off, he will never change!!!!!!!
I see this site as nothing BUT positive. This site is about empowerment,the truth (even if painful) and not allowing ourselves to be a victim to a sick abusive individual. What is negative about that? The positive is that YOU matter. YOU don’t have to take an abusive situation. YOU are not alone. YOU are NOT the crazy one. YOU are grounded in reality.
If you wanna Hollywood ending, go watch “Sleepless in Seattle.”
This is real life and real life does not always turn out the way we thought it would or should, but that doesn’t mean that its negative. Maybe its a lesson we needed to learn. Maybe its leading us to that next GREAT PLACE that could only happen by being married to a fucktard! Maybe its all a blessing (very much) in disguise.
It is not ours to understand until the time is right why it happened. Sure, its a total shit sandwich while we are going through the madness and the excruciating pain which rears its head when we least expect it.
But, if there was no pain, then how is the baby ever going to learn to take their hand off the hot stove?
I have never seen anything positive on the site ,please tell me why ?
Hi Mary,
Everyone speaks the truth here, from experience. It is not meant to be negative or positive, simply the truth.
Your truth is welcome here also. ~ JoAnn
Sorry to burst your bubble Mary, but there isn’t anything much positive to say, when you are blindsided by this addiction, JoAnn is right, we all speak our truth on her site, and I am so gratefull to have it available to me. I am recovering really well from this , it was much work, with much more to do, but I see my situation for what it truly was, a fantasy!
Here it is, 6 months, since I left my Sex Addict spouse of 18 years. Life was getting easier until recently, his siter died suddenly, and he came home to my town, I felt out of respect to her, I needed to attend the wake and funeral. This was so difficult, I wanted to melt when I saw him, and he looked at me with poison in his eyes. There is far more wrong with these sa”s, than the one addiction. I truly believe they are “nuts”. They do what they do, and when they will not even make an effort to change, they have the gall to be angry with us. I assure you ladies, if the shoe was on the other foot, wow, we would be dead, or
drug through the mud..for the rest of our lives! It’s a mans world out there gals!
human chorianic gonadatropin? wtf? Isn’t that the hormone that women release when they are pregnant?
why your husband is a fetus! lol And quite narcissistic at that. Mommy thinks you should look the other way? I agree. Hire a lawyer, sue his not-so-sorry ass for everything he’s got and as Sanity said–RUN.(and don’t look back). In time, you will not miss him. He is beyond help. hopeless, actually. However, you are not. you’re beginning to get it. We are all in the same boat. we want what we had, but that shipped sailed from port long, long ago. Godspeed!
Micki , thats a warzone you are in.
This requires Kim’s bluntspeak.
Over to you , Kim.
Micki just one word…RUN.
Huggsss
Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I am so glad to hear that others have given everything to their family- with similar dismal results as me. My husband and I are both surgeons and married 21 years now.We were both poor residents when we met at the hospital.His work addiction and obsession with money required me to quit my jobs off and on to raise our children practically alone-(he never even changed a diaper, just came home and wanted to only hear about good report cards) because what he wanted came first He was always angry and high strung over his work but I never expected him to become a sex addict. I did everything and gave everything.He started with our au pair after 12 years of marriage and never stopped to let me have a moment of peace. There are always at least 3 girls at a time he is juggling, having sex at 6 am in cars and closets and hotels. Girls have gotten younger and more beautiful by the year, while I have gotten older and more depressed. Finally one year ago – he choked our middle 17 year old daughter because she hid a Russian girl’s cell phone she found while getting a ride from her father and then denied that she had it.She had him arrested and I was the one blamed even though I was not there. I had to beg her for months to drop the charges -foolish that I thought he would finally wake up after his arrest and spending a night in jail. No such luck- he used the opportunity of the initial order of protection my daughter filed to move out and get a small apartment in the middle of the city action, and to blame me for “telling the children bad things about him” now my problem is I still love him and miss him! How sick is that ? Even though I know he is a bad man now, I see him as he was when we were first married and the children were little. I remember all the little things and how much I loved being a family. Please help me let this go!! It is more painful than words can express.The other problesm is that I let him put all the possessions in his name and mortgage our house and I know he has sent millions and millions of dollars overseas to Swiss Banks. He pulls me around like a puppet and complains that I have to work because he no longer wants to pay for me.He bought a Bugatti(he may have sold that one) and gets a new mercedes every two years. He still pays for our house and Utilities but he pretends he is mad at me and blocked me from his phone to “teach me a lesson” I would give my soul to get him Psychological help but his mother enables him and is emeshed with him and tells me that she knew this wold happen because I couldn’t stop complaining about his affairs and I should have keep my mouth shut because he worked so hard for me and the family. I wish I would have been able to file for divorce when the children were younger and he may have been more motivated to get therapy. I do have to laugh at him though, he has in the last 5 years gotten: rhinoplasty, liposuction, fat transfer to his face, blepharoplasty, fillers, botox and a recent face lift – in addition to four hair transplants and his daily testosterone , growth hormone and human chorionic gonadotropin injections. Really I think I need to write a book!!!thanks for listening and love and strength to all!!!
Thanx for making me realise I am not alone, I am not going mad …..I am so shocked hurt and confused at why I never knew the man I married for 25 yrs was a pig! ….he lies constantly and blames everyone else for his shocking behaviour he still goes from woman to woman telling the all they are special and treats them like filthy sex slaves …. I cant believe this is a real addiction why cant they realise how much disaster and hurt this causes their kids…. I dread to think what else I will find out about this monster…..reading this forum really trually helped me ..thank you so much xx
It is good to finally read a story which gives hope not only of the addict stopping the behavior of “acting out” but of finding intimacy and fulfillment in a monogomous relationship without the intensity of the illicit meetings with prostitutes and streetwalkers. I am 111 days post-discovering that he had been acting out for the last 6 years of our 34 year marriage, and while I have found hope that my husband will stop the destructive behviors, I have become despairing that he will ever truly find satisfaction in a normal intimate relationship. He entered and intensive treatment program, attends a therapist moderated support group, and several 12 step meetings a week. I see big changes in him and true remorse and pain over the realization of what he has done. But I have feared that all this there will always be a part of him that will want the prostitutes rather than and intimate relationship with me. Your story gives me hope.
I am so sorry for everyone’s pain, and I do understand, as I too have been there.
But please, this is not a forum website and as a free site I cannot afford the high costs of increasing the bandwidth to allow commenting back and forth.
I set this up so people can comment on the story or article only, not to bring in questions or tell their own story. If everyone starts commenting then the site will run out of bandwidth and shut down for the rest of the month.
If you need the support of a forum where you and others share, advise and can ask for support 24/7 without restrictions please consider the Sisterhood of Support. I pay for unlimited bandwidth on that site and there are no limitations on the amounts of comments, questions, resources or information shared.
I do hope that everyone understands. Thanks ~ JoAnn
after 21 years of putting up with my sex addict husband i think i can finally say i have tried the hardest to make this work, after finding out he was spending a fortune on prostitutes he promised to get help so we went to relate, we decided to try again and a year later back up to his old tricks either on facebok or looking in papers for sex. again he thought he was sorry he loved the family and our son who was still only young he went and got hypnotised i thought this helped then so i decided to stay for our son, when my aunty died last year i was devasted even more so when one of the women at the school had told me she seen him with a woman in his car, he denied this of course but eventually he owned up, i was gutted, he promised again getting help and went to doctors for lustral tablets which supposedly lower sex drive and went to a sex addiction therapist , i decided one last chance and in my heart i preyed he wouldn go back to his old ways, that was 2 years ago our son is now 12, and i got a phone call at work thursday from him to say he had started seeing and havin sex with a woman, i was devasted i really thought he had this in control, i am so upset ive had enough and dont know what to do, any thoughts lisa.
He texted her only 100 times a day and she wanted him to leave you? Yes, Kelly, he’s a sex addict, AND he’s a pig, too! The lame line about not ever meeting anyone? classic. In fact its getting to be quite boring. Can’t they come up with something original? nope. Look, he loves his family more than life? sure. of course. Anything goes. Don’t you see? He wants the wife, home, kid(s), home cooked meal,little league, holidays with the dysfunctional family who treats you like shit.(also classic)and as much sex as he can get his slimy hands on. You are right to worry about your young son. They do find out about all of this, eventually. And it sounds like he’s not very smart about hiding all of the nasty away from you.
Its abuse, Kelly. That’s what it is. What he’s doing to you, is annihilating your very heart and soul. I too wonder how I’m ever to trust again. I think that is a common feeling amongst us as we went into something thinking the opposite of what we ended up with. Perhaps a counselor would be useful to help you sort things out and pick up the pieces of your shattered life. I’m so sorry that this is what you are dealing with. best, Kim
Hello I’m in need of some help . My husband and I have been marriaged 3 year and in that time had a child. I found out something was wrong when I caught him texting a hooker asking her for pictures . Then months later I found a dating account on his computer asking people ( both male and female ) to meet up for sex. I was shocked but he assured me that he just “wanted to see if he still had it and would never have met up” . Since then he’s had many affairs and also gets caught out because for some reason when hes finally caught he fesss up to everything. So I stayed with him , he claims he’s loves us more then life but how can this be? Only a few months ago I found out about an affair we was having , so I contacted the women.She stated that it stopped because he was texting her 100 times a day for sex ( at his work) and also because she wanted him to leave me and he said he wouldn’t. He’s gotten women’s numbers from leaving his number on there car , in there letter box and off online dating. This morning I found he’s been cheating again so I kicked him out. am i dealing with a sex addict or is this just his excuse to cheat . I fear when our child gets older he will know more and more about what’s going on. It doesn’t help that his family are judgemental and nasty to me which puts pressure on our marriage . I
Feel like in damaged goods as I think if I was to move on I couldn’t trust again. This is making me go under as I’m feeling more and more depressed everyday.
It is nearly 3 months since I left my husband of 18 years. I stayed for 1.5 years after finding out he was an addict, I tried everything to get him to want help, to no avail, he went to a therapist, and he told him, I cannot help you, you need to go into a rehab. He had a million and one excuses as to why he couldn’t, he would always say, he wanted help, and wanted to change, but these were just words, he did not mean them. I am so very angry at him, but more so at myself, I saw signs in him from day one, that were odd or unusual, but I excused them away. I saw potential in him, that never came to be.Loosing his wife and son was not enough motivation for him, so I truly believe, he will never change. not ever
Yes, Bridget it is very real and welcome to the club that none of us ever wanted to join. Here’s the deal. There is no cure for sex addiction, only management. Of those who can manage it (not acting out). The recovery rate is at about 5%. The rest are in “fake recoveries” or just finding out sneakier ways of getting around it all. Or substituting one addiction for another. Sometimes that comes in the form of religion, but it could be work, or drinking, drugs, shopping, gambling or a combo.
We ALL love our husbands, well, we love the other guy, not this depraved imposter that seems to have taken over his body, mind and soul. Even IF your husband embraces a genuine recovery, there is NO quick fix! Slips are inevitable. His anger at an innocuous question is a sure sign that he’s still not really getting it and the reality is–he may NEVER get it. That is the frustration that so many of us feel. It is very, very upsetting, to say the least. Of course, he cannot be on face book and the list goes on and on about what he will no longer be able to do. So, you can expect a lot of resistance from him in that regard.
The way you feel is how you’re supposed to feel. And the problem is that most of these guys are so adept at being truly “nice guys.” It is crazy making, for sure. Does it ever get any better? If a man is still in active addiction, then no, it will not ever get any better. In fact, it will only get worse and worse as the addiction progresses. Its a disease and often a fatal one at that. Just don’t make the mistake I made of telling his relatives that he’s “sick.” I was trying to enlist help from his AND my favorite aunt and she laid into me like no one has ever laid into me before and I adored this woman! I am in the process of leaving my 25 year marriage. I am devastated, lost and quite frightened. But I have faith that this is for the best and that in time, I will understand why I was taken down this road and will understand that in the end, it was all for the best. It will be for you, too. Stay in faith. Keep strong. Keep reaching out to those who understand and you will be alright–in time. best ~ Emily
Thank you Emily. It felt good to know that someone heard me and cared. I haven’t told anyone about this until this blog. I’ve been suffering with this all alone…like I’m sure many of us do. I’m scared to death and so hurt. I know that he has so many other good qualities that I love, but without our marriage and intimacy being sacred…what’s the point?! I know that the only way for me to escape this is to leave. I am honestly confident that he can beat this. I know it won’t be easy and I know it will be a long road. I don’t think I will ever get over it though. I don’t think that even if he does beat this addiction, I will ever stopping wondering and questioning. That simply isn’t healthy.
This is my second marriage and it’s his first. I have 2 daughters and he does not have any kids with anyone previously. He is 7 years younger than me and I feel like, I just can’t have another failed marriage. I just want to be happy and have peace in my life. I want to grow old with someone that just loves, wants, desires me and only me for me. I hate that so many of us women have to go through this. It just isn’t fair.
I’m sorry that you are 25 years in and going through all of this. My heart goes out to you because I know the devastation you are talking about. Maybe I should run and not look back and waste another second of my life. Why should I have to feel like this? Why should any of us good women have to feel this way? I’m sure all of us entering into our marriages or relationships whole-heartedly. We love these men and gave them our heart, body, mind and soul. Don’t we deserve to get the same in return?! I’m filled with much confusion. My emotions range from sorrow to anger to anxiety to hurt within seconds. My self-esteem is non-existent. I don’t know what it feels like to be in a healthy, loving and pure relationship anymore. I know I never had that with him.
There’s comfort in knowing that how I feel is normal. Thank you Emily for everything that you said. Last night just knowing someone was out there to listen and that understood made all the difference in my small, sad and lonely little world. I wish you peace in your life and I hope that one day, you’ll get through this. You are courageous for carrying on and pulling your self out of this hell. I hope that I can gain that same courage. Ultimately I hope that he can recover and I can get passed this…I just know in the deeps of my soul that I will never get passed this nightmare no matter if he achieves complete recovery. This pain is too much to bear. Maybe I’m wrong…I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.
I, too, am going down the same road after 21 years of marriage. I now realize that my husband is a sex addict. I found out after that “gut” feeling in August. He had all these secret accounts on the computer, sexually explicit photos, constantly texting on his cell phone and removing his texts, etc. I discovered his infidelity and confronted him with the proof – which was even tougher because he had been with a man -sicker in my opinion.
I hated to leave him and gave in to his “I’m so sorry, I was just curious…it will never happen again” baloney. We went to counseling for 7 weeks, then he loses his job for having porn on his computer. He lied about this when I asked why he “resigned”. I called his boss who told me the real story, then I came home to confront him, and found him with a man in our home. My life as I knew it was over. I am now trying to pick up the pieces and start again. I still love him, but it’s time to love myself more now and be responsible. Sure, he’s going to SA 12 step tonight and pleads to stay. I have to take it one day (or sometimes one hour) at a time to get through. All of the good images of the man I married swirl around in my mind. The dark side is someone I didn’t know or marry. I feel guilty for not staying and trying to support his recovery, but I cannot continue to put myself in danger or in such pain. (I have been tested for everything under the sun and am relieved to find out I am clean.)
My relationship with God has helped me through the past week. I am so glad to have found this site to read that I am not alone.
Beth, so sorry to hear about what you’re going through–so much pain, I know. Don’t feel guilty about leaving. That’s probably the best thing you could do for his recovery. I did not leave my SA, tried to make recovery as easy as possible for him, kept everything in place so that recovery was all he had to think about. That backfired. We do them no favors when we spare them the consequences of their choices. And we certainly don’t do ourselves any favors. Separate. Heal yourself. He’ll either recover or he won’t, and it will be for the right reasons if he does.
Thank you, March, for the words of encouragement. I certainly agree that separating is the best thing for his recovery.
I never knew that sex addiction was real. I love my husband, but who is my husband exactly? I don’t know anymore. I’m so hurt and so confused. I don’t know what to do. I read different blogs that say, “Don’t waste your time because he will never change.” I don’t know what the lies are or what the truth from him is anymore. I never knew it was possibly to be in this much emotional pain. He admitted to being a sex addict about 2 months ago. We started seeing a therapist that specializes in sex addiction. I’ve gone once by myself and he’s gone once. Next week we go together. He says he’s not “acting out” anymore, but I don’t know. I feel like he’s trading one addiction for the other. He works so much now and that’s all he does. Tonight I asked him why he still hasn’t removed the facebook ap off of his phone. He got so angry with me and said, “I haven’t had time to do it because I have been working so much.” I said, “You really didn’t have 30 seconds to remove it?!” Then of course it starts this huge fight and it’s all my fault. He stormed out to work without any remorse, compassion and understanding. At times, he does seem to display all of those things but is that just more lies?! Why would he react this way tonight?! He was so cold and nasty to me. Of course, now he won’t answer his phone and yet earlier tonight, he’s telling me how he has a different perspective on things and how sorry he is and how he’s committed to changing. Then why act like this tonight?! I guess it must be all lies and the big cover up of what’s really going on behind the scenes. I don’t know what to do or how I’m supposed to feel. I just know that right now as the tears roll down my cheeks, it hurts so much. Does it ever get any better?
hello, I have been married for nine years and I just came to realizaiton that my husband is a sex addict. I dont know what to do. Please help me with some advice.
If you don’t have children… get out! it doesn’t matter if you love them. It will tear you down slowly until you can’t stand anymore!!!!
JoAnn, You stated that you knew of your husband’s prostitution habit within 3 months of your marriage. I found out about my husband’s habit after 37 years. I was totally shocked, am still 3 months later. In fact, if he hadn’t told me with his own lips, I would never have believed it. My entire adult life, I now know was not one that I agreed to. Did we have good times? Yes. Did we have huge issues that I now wish I wouldn’t have accepted? Many. I’m thinking this is pretty unforgiveable. (Although I will work to forgive him, in order that I will heal.) But, I most likely will not stay in the relationship. Could you respond to my situation?
Thanks.
I have a question for you and any other women who are reading this and have worked through the worst of the behaviors and are at the stage of really building intimacy. Do you consider yourself a very sexual being? Is he able to meet you in your raw sexuality? Do you ever see that happening? I my husband is working very consciously with his addiction, taking responsibility, and communicating honestly. I, however, am becoming increasingly concerned that I will never be able to have the sex life that I feel like I need. That I will not be met in my passion and raw sexuality because he won’t be able to do that without getting triggered and objectifying me. Ever. This means that I live the rest of my life without really experiencing that again with my partner. I know I can’t live like that. I’m so willing to work on things, to wait it out, to be patient and committed if we are working towards a day when that will come. But if that is something that a sex addict is just never going to be capable of doing, then I won’t waste my time.
Please, if you have judgements about my desire for raw sexual experience, please keep them to yourselves. I am interested in hearing from women who are in touch with their own need for passionate sex and who have been able to get that need met from their sex addict husbands.
Thank you so much for sharing with me
Liz, Among the many rants my SA and the therapist have heard is the one where I scream about the fact that I will never have that thrown-up-against-the-wall- and-f’d-standing-up sex I loved to have after a nice evening out, when we’d flirted with EACH OTHER all night and could hardly wait to get home. I ranted that I was going to miss an entire menu of experiences that I enjoyed as a sexual creature in a safe (I thought) relationship. Judging by their little white book, I don’t think SA’s are supposed to do anything BUT “make love”–no lust or abandon, just intimate, sweet, simple (as that book says) experiences. Too bad for the partner.
Hello, I have been married for 33 yrs. My husband has always been a “huge” flirt always making comments about women, body part etc.. He has had many affairs. i always beleived him when he said he changed things would be different, and it was for a while. He always seeked around about viewing web site, phone sex, toys. I just’ discovered that he is posting on web site for sex, that he acted out with two men. He is piecing nipples taking pictures of it and his dick only to post them on the web. I am destroyed!! he always said that I wasn’t sexual enough always wanting to try different thing that were painful for me. He cross dresses anything you can imagine he does or has tried. I can’t even look at him without wanting to kill him not really kill him but you know what I mean. I hate him. He now wants to start therapy but I just wonder if that is a new way of meeting people. i don’t beleive anything he says. I had a horrible accident 9 months ago almost died. I found out while I was dying he was acting out. he tells me he loves me. How??? I want him to get the help he needs but I truly don’t think I can ever trust him, the thought of him touching me makes me sick. But we are raising 4 grandchildren so i need his help finically aand physcially. So i feel caught. I have 12 years before the youngest grandchild reaches 18. So what do I do???
i feel better just posting. Just so lost,empty.
I’m thinking about you right now Pennie. I wish there was more I could do. CAn you talk to a women’s agency at all? Can you get some free legal advice from legal aid? Is there someone you could talk to, like a counsellor, minister, family member? Given his extreme sexual activity, should you be concerned for the safety of the grandchildren?
Please don’t give up. Don’t let him touch you without protection from STD’s.
Blessings, D.
hello pennie – i hear you loud and clear – i am right there with you but 7 days ago (4 years since discovery) in a 22 years relationship – i let him go. Actually I ejected him with all my might. I miss him dreadfully, but thats the bond of abuse. I tried and failed. I tried because we are bonded – I failed because he cannot feel – he cannot feel because he is disconnected & that is something only he/they can fix. In these 7 days i have clarity – i can see things for how they really are .. NOT how he wants me to see them. Over the last 4 years, I have strengthened myself – I guess in some form of preparation for what may come – and last night I went on a date for the first time in 22 years. It was wonderful !!!! I felt good and normal … something that our diseased lives deny us – the isolation from normalcy. The guy said i was gorgeous and indeed despite what my SA would have me believe I was looking good. Stress has keptmy weight down, I always thought that i was unattractive so i always took care of myself. It was a good feeling after feeling so awful for so long. I also learned that SA’s and other addicts dont grow and they become weaker and weaker and thats why i think they find it hard to let go of us. Well, dont try to get your head round it pennie – get out of it and let someone else have a go (e-mail address has been removed. Sharing of personal information is not allowed) (mail me personally if youd like) x I am based in the UK
JoAnn, thank you for all your information….sure it helps a lot of women to undrstand the SA and their secret life but I really want to believe that no matter how bad some SA are the Lord can heal them. Yes, you are right there may be a lot of work on both sides but if the SA is honest and wants to change his life for better…for his family…yes, he can do that !!! We can do all we want if we trust the Lord…well, He does more then we do but of course we need a lot of faith and courage to help our SA to recover….so, the ones who want to get recover is posibile but for those who do not want is a waisting time.
Of course we as wives of SA have two choise….to help the SA to recover or just leave.
Don’t forget that sexx adict is a dependency like drug or alcohol and there can be some mental illness also in all that….so, when we have a husband with SA the first thing is to observe the things he does…dependency is a brain disorder and its helping to check with a psychiatry….yes, medication can help an addict 50% but the rest is his work and our job to do in helping him if we love him enough to stay with.
God bless, and please give us more information on SA.
Julia,
He stalks women in stores? It might be a “class II addiction” (not sure what that is) but he is also setting himself up for legal trouble. uh huh… Maybe that’ll wake him up! xo ~ Lexie
My sex addict husband has changed the way that he relates to me almost 180 degrees, but still, my intuition tells me that he is still acting out, and he is trying to backtrack going to his Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. He wants to be hypnotized to remove the addiction (easy way out, doesn’t work), and he’s not doing his Patrick Carnes workbook for his therapist. It all adds up to an addict’s response to the heavy lifting required for recovery. Since his addiction is purely voyeuristic, he feels that no one has gotten hurt…NOT TRUE!!! I have lived in misery for 30 years as I watched his constant, trance-like objectifying of women in public, our non-existent sex life, and his chronic addiction to porn and masturbation….many people have gotten hurt! I almost think it would be better if he had been to see prostitutes. He might take the whole thing more seriously. He stalks women in stores…that’s a class 2 type of addiction…he involves strange women who have not agreed to be his visual sex toy. I know he is still lying…I can intuitively tell, but all of the clues are very low key…they just add up to me knowing.
Hi All,
I didn’t know exactly where to post this I’m new at all this d-day July 13. I have had a really bad time with all my emotions I read post after post and I see me .I have been seeing a psychologist at the women’s shelter what a god send abuse is abuse,trauma is trauma,shock is shock. I have also started recovery nation partners lessons I feel as if I’m in a rehab as do the lessons. Trust needs to start with me I need to trust myself every aspect of myself has been beaten down over the years. In the short time I have been on my path,I have learned more about myself some of which I wish I didn’t have to face,I probably never would have if I had a choice.
My SA is also doing the RN and seeing someone.I believe you when you say that determination and motivation have to be what I feel stronger than the addiction but for both. If he succeeds great we may have a chance but if I have to succeed for my own recovery if I am ever to live my life again.
Thank you for such a hopeful story–hopeful because what you describe is actually possible. And maybe we all (me!) need to open our minds to the many different ways there are to make an important relationship work. Boundaries, commitment, treatment, support, counseling, realistic expectations, love, friendship…etc. There is hope, after all–but first I have to entertain a new way of thinking about it. And I have to know exactly what I can’t deal with.
Every marriage is different anyway.
It’s good to know what we can and cannot do. But sometimes we have to learn it, first.
You gave me a great gift today, JoAnn. I am grateful for your generosity of spirit. Sleep well.