Comments for Sex and Porn Addiction

Comment on Even After Recovery The Wounds Remain by sharron

sharron — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 03:05:16 +0000

Sandra – I think you have made a very wise decision to separate yourself from the situation. I am just now filing for divorce 3 yrs. after discovery. We want so much to believe what our husband’s tell us, but sometimes even that is not enough. It is difficult to forgive and forget.
If your husband is in a 12-step program, I am afraid that is what the program is about. I am not a 12-step advocate because they seem to use their addiction as an excuse, and they can’t quite help themselves. “I have an addiction.” They also promote co-dependency in spouses, and we are not co-dependent-just love our h’s and work with and have high hopes for recovery. Many times to our demise.
My h was the same. Never disclosed and kept lieing until I had him cold turkey, then he would finally admit it. I know it is hard to trust when you have been betrayed. Step away from it all and see what happens. Your gut will tell you the truth, so rely on it.
Sounds like you are in a good place. It takes years for an SA to get to the point where they can even manage their addiction. You need time to get away and see if that is really what you want to deal with.
Hugs,
Sharron

Comment on Even After Recovery The Wounds Remain by Sandra

Sandra — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 02:05:03 +0000

Your letter could not have come at a better time for me! I have been married to my husband for 5 years now. This is my second marriage and his third. He has been in recovery for his sex addiction now for 3 years. I thought that I could handle all of the issues that have come our way while he’s been in recovery. The reality is that I am just tired of having to deal with his excuses and ‘reasons’ for being a SA. I feel like I have been ‘collateral damage’ in all of this! It is so easy for him to defer to his addiction to explain his actions. I guess the bottom line is that my own happiness truly does depend on me. We are both in our fifties, each has grown children and we have secure, stable jobs. In other words, I have nothing keeping me from leaving. I do love him and I do admire what he has accomplished for himself in his recovery. I just DO NOT trust him completely. He had lied to me in the past and I had always caught him in his lies. He never came clean on his own….I always ended up confronting him. As for now, well, he pulled a stunt on me today that was upsetting. He apologized almost immediately but I can’t help feeling that he apologized to protect himself because it was what he thinks I wanted. I really am tired of dealing with this! He knows that I am considering separation and says that he supports anything that will make me healthy. I agree with the statement by you that says that HE gets to be madly in love with me yet I feel like the broken one. I know that my tolerances for him and forgiveness have been stretched to the limit. I have always been the reasonable one that would be understanding and would put my feelings aside to support him. I can see now how destructive that has been to me. I am getting to a place where feeling numb is better than feeling sad. I do not want that in my life! I have been a happy and passionate person before and I plan on being that same person again! I refuse to let my husband’s addiction, recovery or not, play a part in MY health and well-being. I will not sit on the sidelines and let life unfold around me because I am too afraid to do something for myself. I care for my husband but I need to care for myself first! I will go forward with the separation and spend some quality time with ME. I have no expectations and will see what life offers without all the drama, tension and sadness.

Comment on Even After Recovery The Wounds Remain by sharron

sharron — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 18:25:13 +0000

Thank you for sharing. I, too, have the same feelings. I am so glad things are working out for you. My situation is not as fortunate. After 3 yrs with my SA, (We will be married 2 in April) I am still experiencing lieing, deception, and failure to disclose. My husband is 68 and I will be 70 in March. I think the older an SA is the more difficult it is to see change. He was never in heavy duty stuff like prostitution, but had a porn issue with obese women and domination/submission. To the best of my knowledge, he has not been engaged in that since a year ago August. He does still have an active fantasy network regarding this fetish, and just more recently disclosed that to me. His other issue is objectifying women, and that has improved, as well. Unfortunately, the underlying personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder) has reared it’s ugly head and he is very angry, feels controlled and displaces that anger onto me.
We are both in counseling, and my SA has just begun to “get it” in terms of wanting recovery for his life. It is probably too late for him. We are living in separate bedrooms, and I am thinking of divorce because of the intolerable temper issues, his inability to connect with me intimately, and the lieing.
I think it would be difficult to ever “forget” as you put it, but I really think if my husband had initially disclosed everything, adopted a truth and integrity rather than revealing bits and pieces, things might be different.
Be thankful your husband took such a pro-active approach to recovery. I know my therapist told me it is possible to forgive, but a spouse can probably never forget the atrocites that happened to her. I think yours is one of the few success stories, so hopefully, even though you will never forget, you can get over the saddness and get back that true love you once had. I feel if my husband had done as well as yours, I could do it.
Hugs,
Sharron

Comment on Can A Sex Addict Husband Change? by mandie

mandie — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 16:29:40 +0000

hello pennie – i hear you loud and clear – i am right there with you but 7 days ago (4 years since discovery) in a 22 years relationship – i let him go. Actually I ejected him with all my might. I miss him dreadfully, but thats the bond of abuse. I tried and failed. I tried because we are bonded – I failed because he cannot feel – he cannot feel because he is disconnected & that is something only he/they can fix. In these 7 days i have clarity – i can see things for how they really are .. NOT how he wants me to see them. Over the last 4 years, I have strengthened myself – I guess in some form of preparation for what may come – and last night I went on a date for the first time in 22 years. It was wonderful !!!! I felt good and normal … something that our diseased lives deny us – the isolation from normalcy. The guy said i was gorgeous and indeed despite what my SA would have me believe I was looking good. Stress has keptmy weight down, I always thought that i was unattractive so i always took care of myself. It was a good feeling after feeling so awful for so long. I also learned that SA’s and other addicts dont grow and they become weaker and weaker and thats why i think they find it hard to let go of us. Well, dont try to get your head round it pennie – get out of it and let someone else have a go (e-mail address has been removed. Sharing of personal information is not allowed) (mail me personally if youd like) x I am based in the UK

Comment on I Need To Be Heard And I Need Help by karebear

karebear — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 22:04:00 +0000

Ann,
Interesting your boundary of “your husband has gone beyond the simple porn and chat lines…he’s crossed the line into physical stuff”…
I’m sorry, but porn and sex chat are NOT OK…ever