Whether you have just discovered your spouse or partner’s clandestine sexual behaviors, or you are painfully discovering new or repeated evidence, you will need to make a decision about how to confront them. (I really hate the word ‘confront’ but I just can’t seem to come up with a better one.)
Most of us will feel shock and anger when we find the tracks of a Sex Addict’s behavior. But confronting with anger will surely degenerate into a very negative place. If you take the time to reflect as to why you are confronting, the outcome may be much more positive.
Why do we confront? Because we care. Because we want things to be different and better. Because we want our relationship to survive. Because we want our spouse or partner to recover to a healthier place. We confront because we love. If we bring that attitude of love with us when we talk with our spouses or partners our tone may be a little bit softer and hopefully the lines of communication will remain open.
This was a difficult lesson for me to learn. In the beginning I certainly had my share of negative confrontations with my husband. My anger was so great that I would just lash out every time a new lie was exposed. And I believe that it needed to be that way. I needed to give voice to my pain and express the shock and disbelief. But eventually the angry confrontations served no purpose except to drive my husband deeper into despair and depression.
It took me over two years to vent my venom and as I remember most conversations ended badly. Often I wonder if things could have been different if I had not expressed my anger and rage so much. Would we have gotten back together sooner if I had approached the confrontations with a little more tact and a lot less rage? Or, would that have caused me to ‘stuff’ my feelings, causing worse problems in the future?
How have you handled the difficult task of confronting or discussing your spouse’s or partner’s Sexual Addiction with them?
Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten. ~ Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C