Confronting The Sex Addict

argue 150x94 Confronting The Sex AddictWhether you have just discovered your spouse or partner’s clandestine sexual behaviors, or you are painfully discovering new or repeated evidence, you will need to make a decision about how to confront them. (I really hate the word ‘confront’ but I just can’t seem to come up with a better one.)

Most of us will feel shock and anger when we find the tracks of a Sex Addict’s behavior. But confronting with anger will surely degenerate into a very negative place. If you take the time to reflect as to why you are confronting, the outcome may be much more positive.

Why do we confront? Because we care. Because we want things to be different and better. Because we want our relationship to survive. Because we want our spouse or partner to recover to a healthier place. We confront because we love. If we bring that attitude of love with us when we talk with our spouses or partners our tone may be a little bit softer and hopefully the lines of communication will remain open.

This was a difficult lesson for me to learn. In the beginning I certainly had my share of negative confrontations with my husband. My anger was so great that I would just lash out every time a new lie was exposed. And I believe that it needed to be that way. I needed to give voice to my pain and express the shock and disbelief. But eventually the angry confrontations served no purpose except to drive my husband deeper into despair and depression.

It took me over two years to vent my venom and as I remember most conversations ended badly. Often I wonder if things could have been different if I had not expressed my anger and rage so much. Would we have gotten back together sooner if I had approached the confrontations with a little more tact and a lot less rage? Or, would that have caused me to ‘stuff’ my feelings, causing worse problems in the future?

How have you handled the difficult task of confronting or discussing your spouse’s or partner’s Sexual Addiction with them?

Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten. ~ Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C

36 comments to Confronting The Sex Addict

  • TURKEY54

    I’m afraid I showed and are still showing a lot of anger. I probably called him every name under the sun, told him over and over I couldn’t stand the sight of him, etc.

  • Starry

    Its so hard not to let the anger seep through. We are not machines, and as with everything in life, hindsight is great, and woulda coulda shoulda doesn’t change the facts as they are. We are humans reacting to extraordinary circumstances. Just as the addict does things wrong, so do we.

  • an honest wife

    I paid a few thousand dollars to learn this,

    1. fully express your feelings, but do so compassionately and respectfully. ( this was hard b/c i couldn’t talk to my husband w/o the words MF and SOB screaming in my cranium)
    2. create a detailed list of issues that occurred during any time in the relationship ( mine was four single spaced pages)
    3. set a time each week to discuss just ONE issue. pick one and discuss it for 30 minutes. conclude with ideas as to how the issue can be addressed
    4. talks occur in the kitchen or dining room. not the bedroom ( explain to the kids that mommy and daddy are working together on something important and they need to stay in their room for the next 30 minutes)
    5. talks must be face to face ( i.e. sitting across from each other so that eye contact is made and held)

    Maybe there is something in these rules that might help somebody else.

  • Need Answers Please

    Hi all,

    The more I think about my life with a sex addict, every topic discussed is good knowledge, but they all seem like a bottomless pit. Does anyone else feel this way?

    Im starting to think we spend so much time and energy on this and that about them that we are neglecting ourselves. I think we would benefit to have topics and discussions focusing on just us too.

    Would love to hear your thoughts on this

  • an honest wife

    i agree. Is it time to start one of Oprah’s gratitude journals?

  • Diane

    Hello again NAP,
    Yes, I believe it is a bottomless pit. But it is also a necessary learning curve for women to discover how the addiction works, how the therapeutic models help and hinder your own recovery, and what to expect if you stay with the SA.

    Every once in a while on this site, the discussion loses its power. That usually means we have reached the end of that learning curve together, and now we have decisions to make about how we live with that new knowledge, what it mean for us, how we will make the next choice we have to make. It becomes the place of empowerment. And sometimes, a few of us do weigh in at that moment and gently nudge those who are posting to the next level of our own maturity as women. Sometimes it’s calling a spade a spade, and sometimes it’s framing some final questions and insights.

    So although I’ve read the same story here a zillions since I posted it myself, I’m still here—riding the learning curves with the women who deserve every ounce of support I can offer, and still learning about sex addiction and my own healing journey.

    Yes, a bottomless pit, but when you get realize that’s what it is, you will also find someone’s hands reaching back to help you pull yourself out. I know that without JoAnn and the great women here, I don’t know where I would be right now. So I’m grateful for you all and everything you share.

    love,
    D.

  • Carrie

    I also, as Diane writes, have read variations of the same story over and over again. Sometimes I worry that I am dwelling on this too much, especially since he is physically out of my life. However, I still seem hungry for validation, learning, answers, and taming the “what if’s” and the “if onlys”. Without reading all of this I know I would still be very stuck in the idea that I was too harsh and that still maybe in the future it will work out. (These ideas come from my roller coaster emotions, not my intellect.) It has been a huge process to come to terms with this and I find that I still cry daily about what feels like such a loss and reading the posts of these excellent women really, really helps. I now realize that what I knew of his SA was undoubtedly the tip of the iceberg and that recovery is even more difficult and fragile than I could have possibly imagined. It also helps with my feelings of disgust with myself for falling in love with, and continuing to feel love for a person with a SA.

    I also know that it all is very “heavy” and feel heartsick to see all the destruction that this addiction causes and it does feel like a bottomless pit. I used to keep a gratitude journal and maybe it is time to start that again. I found that when I kept that journal, it really helped keep me balanced.

    Maybe that is an idea for the new website design, JoAnn – a section saved for gratitude posts.

  • Great idea Carrie. A ‘gratitude’ or maybe ‘hope’ or ‘lightbeams’ (or something along that line) type of page where we can express our positive thoughts, small victories and rays of sunshine. What do all of you think we should call it?

    And, in the coming weeks I will have so much to share with all of you for the new private and secure section with lots and lots of goodies. I think it’s what a lot of you have been looking for.

  • Unwound

    Carrie, bless your heart, that’s a brilliant idea!

    JoAnn, I’d love to share any positive thoughts & gratitude. My in-person support/therapy group is off for a couple months (ARGH!! just when I need some support at the holiday time of year …). Some days it feels like the only thing keeping me sane is puppy kisses from my Labrador mix — so please, bring on all the hope & gratitude we can find!

  • Carrie

    Bring it on, girls!

  • Flora

    Nap,
    For me this is the only place for this. There are plently of places to talk of the positives, but not the addiction. COSA for instance only focuses on shared learning experiance and you are not to talk of the SA. But i personally found this not helpfull for what I needed most, which was to learn about the addiction, read others stories, and a place for a sounding board. The only places are here and my therapist for this. At the therapist we talk about both. And outside of what I read and post on this site, I do not think about the addiction or the trouble it causes much further (alhtough it took me months to get here).

    The rest of my life is the postive. The addiction is anything but postive in my life at this point.

    But I am all for refelcting on the positive. This is just not the main point of this site for me. Positive stories are helpful, but are not the norm or reality. There is not a picture perfect ending where the man you loves with the addiction makes a magical turn and sweeps you off your feet and you ride off into the sunset together on a white horse happily ever after never to worry about the addiction again, thats the movies. If this was easy, and the odds were in our favor, none of us would be here aganizing over decisions and our stories.

    Good Luck Nap. Glad to see you here.

  • Need Answers Please

    Flora,

    I agree with you, without this site I would not feel so empowered with knowlegde and hear first hand accounts which are so helpful too.

    If I may ask you, you seem from your comment to be able to seperate out the addiction so its not all consuming in your life. What actions do you do for yourself that helps you do that. I really need help with that and would appreciate your and alls comments.

    Thanks so much

  • Flora

    Hi Nap,

    Time and learning and this website. I read. I first started with books about sex addiction, then codepencendy, physchological disorders, then betrayal and trust, then moved on to emotional unavailability. In that time I also read books about building better families, leadership, boundaries, alchohalism and books on enlightenment for myself.

    Started focusing on myself. Started an excercise class and book club. Make sure that I do something on the weekends with the kids that is meaningful or fun. Like movie and popcorn at home or shopping with the teens. I try to excercise three times a week, see my therapist once a week.

    When living in the home I found it difficult to seperate mentally and emotionally as he still infuriated me, and still was lazy. the things that bothered me most about him and the situation were unchanged. So I first distanced myself keeping it to kids, money and household reqruiement only. I did not drag out the issues on a daily or weekly as this is exhausting and frustrating never got anywhere, and I just could not live with this going on. There was a constant wall to protect myself. I eventually in the past month distanced myself from the addiction by distancing myself physically from the addict (he is living at his parents house). Boundaries were helpfull as well, alhtough he never went through with about half of them (hence the seperation). The SA has not been (and never has been) a real go getter and there has not been a paragdigm shift.

    We did take vacation over the summer and i was able to acheive detachement from the spouse, but was only able to do this for short periods of time (detach with love as they call it). So i made a conscious effort to not be or act angry toward him, but this did not mean that i was not still angry. And discovered that I did not have to be angry at him all the time. Just because I act friendly does not mean that I am not angry, i am just choosing to not live in this mood everyday. So unfortunately the SA saw this as a lightening of my spirits as a hopefull window that he was home free and out of the woods, but this was not the case. Shows what a world they live in. During this time I felt wonderfull and had hope. But this light and hope came from me. I felt better and the SA was the same.

    I personally still do not comprehend how one can actively particpate in a relationship with an addict, while always looking for and planning for the exit. I think this is dangerous and unhealthy. I do not see where the security is for the spouse, and I lived in much fear for my future the whole time. Fear as well for my children and what the future held. I personally have changed the rules of the game. No longer is he to get his addiction togehter to stay, but the rules are now you need to get it together to come home or back into the relationship. This passes sole resposbility to the addict for his actions, and that he must do the work. And the plus side is I am no longer stressed about the situation and am free to live my life. Becuase I am not bogged down by the addiction and the decisions anymore. It is his duty to earn his way back, not mine to let him in.

    Hope this helps. Alhtough this is just worked for me. Someone on here says that she has learned to detach while living together. I still do not comprehend, but maybe she will comment on how she is able.

  • Diane

    Hi there,

    re: the positive postings
    I don’t think we have to focus on our relationships with the SA. We can post positive things with our children, and ourselves. Steps in our own healing journey are positives. Good things that happened with our young or adult children, our friends, that relate to this hard journey. Words and songs that helped us along the way etc.

    It doesn’t have to be about the SA’s story at all. It’s about our life, our story, and the Light that we find shining in it.

    love
    D.

  • Flora

    I also try to hit the key points for enrichment.

    Physical – exercise
    Spiritual – church or religion, whatever the case may be
    Mental – reading, classes
    Social – getting out with other people, staying in touch with family etc., visting family.

    I am still taking babysteps. I try to do this in a weekly basis, rather than daily. But it has worked and i feel so much better.

    The most helpful thing I learned, and no one told me this at the start, is that I HAVE A CHOICE. That we have a choice. We can choose to stay or we can leave. This addiction is not our fault or our problem. (Whereas the codependent model maintains that you should stay for atleast a year to work through your issues.) This is powerful whether you choose to stay or leave. If staying it is your power and your choice to do so. This caused a shift for me. Saying I had to stay was confining to me and exactly what brought me down the most when first working through this addiction. I also felt that I had to be the good wife and support my husband and stay to help him through his issues. That its just porn and he did not have sex with anyone else (BTW found a hooker call card in his wallet, still maintains no sex with anyone else LOL). Weather it is or is not an addiction, no matter the fact of what you call it, it is a choice.

    So NO NO NO, these are were all more selfless acts.

    I have a life too, and it should not be based on what everyone else thinks or says I should do. And no more selfless acts in support of the addict, he is on his own now.

  • Betty

    I confronted like a freight train confronts. I had to. His initial response was to blame me. As I understand it, that is fairly common. That only added fuel to my fire. My response to him had to so overwhelm him that he was knocked off balance and speechless. I screamed at him like I’ve never screamed at anyone. I said “It’s my fault there are pictures of girls our daughters age tied up with rope professing to want it on your computer?” He didn’t have a response to that. The sneering that he’d done throughout our marriage came flooding back…..and I realized almost immediately that he had been manufacturing faults in me to justify his behavior. when in doubt, I still scream at him and ask questions later.

  • Lynn

    Betty, walk away from him, vomit, do anything but give him your attention or reason to blame.

    I know that smirk.
    Don’t let him have any of you, you are just too good for him, he does not deserve you. Throw him a rope since he seems to like them.
    Sorry, it just pisses me off to know there are other beautiful and good women and mothers blamed by the one person they completely built a life with and gave themselves too. A person with sociopathic sexual issues. the arrogance, the smirk. They do what they do because as mine said “Because I can”……he said with a smirk.
    What the hell can you do with that?

    “Because I can”…..there is no response to that except goodbye.
    He still blames and lies, and I divorced him over a year and a half ago it was finalized and I have remarried….the arrogance never goes away, the entitlement, the ownership of you……so I give him NONE of me, he only sees me in court, and even then I refuse to even look at him.
    No more of me.

  • Betty

    I agree, Lynn…..there’s no response to “because I can” other than good bye and GOOD RIDDANCE! My SA quickly realized he wasn’t going to win the fight, and I’d done a lot of work before I confronted him, so my ultimatum “It’s me or the porn” had some teeth. I’d drained accounts, seen a divorce lawyer, toured condos, removed all valuables and guns from the house before I confronted him. I had him by the short and curlies and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about it. I still control the majority of the assets. I lived under his thumb for 25 years, under the falsehood, under the fallacy that I had a husband. Now it’s his turn. He lives by my terms, by my rules. If I decide to leave, I take almost everything……because I can!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, that felt good……And I wasn’t born this way. This “witch on wheels” grew from his husbandry. I’ve learned to protect myself and I’ve learned the lessons well.

    I bid you strength and peace, Lynn…………

  • Diane

    Hello Betty,
    I, too, had a sneerer. He literally looked down his nose at me. He also manufacturer faults and criticisms of me in a cruel way–now I see it was to justify what he was doing.

    When he entered his 12 step, it got even worse. His arrogance was now based on having a whole community of people who accepted him. It was his secret club and he lorded the secrecy over me—as if I wanted to know more sex addicts!!!! The arrogance is stunningly resilient throughout so-called “recovery”. I believe this is because the personality disorder underneath the symptom of sexual addiction usually has a narcissistic ingredient.

    Good for you in taking control of what you could. I too was in a long term marriage—30 years. AFter living apart and working towards reconciliation with a healing separation agreement, I finally had to give up. He was sexually sober, but emotionally unavailable, still arrogant, and selfish. I couldn’t face a future like that.

    So why do you keep him around?

    D.

  • fatchance

    HA Betty! I loved your post! I am still weepy and hopeful. I know what he’s done, but I quit collecting evidence because it was heartbreaking. There was not much financially to collect, but I have the children safe under my wing and some modicum of sanity again.

    In that sense, I guess I feel like I am “the one up” right now. Anyway, he has to live the rest of his life as him. I plan on making things better for me, with or without him.

    What I want to know is if ya’ll’s spouses went into a frenzied rage when confronted? My husband was frothy-mouthed, veins poking out and very frightening to me. Plus he kinda looked like he might have an anurysm right then and there. I’d never seen a human go from 0-60 that fast-really; it was atomic!

  • Lorraine

    my husband knows that he’s a fucktard. but……. the real addie, my predator, went from being this sweet cute guy, to an annihilating hand grenade, in lightening speed when I confronted him with some of his lies and abusive use of image behind my back. I wasn’t screaming or anything. just questioning.

    they can’t handle one little scratch in the veneer, because its so thin that the suppuration starts to ooze out and they can’t have that!

  • Betty

    Hi Diane,

    It seems the SA’s manufacture faults or magnify real faults to justify their behavior. It’s a remarkably common trait. Since I confronted him like a freight train, the sneering has stopped. He’s in “recovery” and according to him has been “sober” for 18 months. Even if that is true, and I doubt it, he is still immature and emotionally unavailable.

    I too have/had issues with the secrecy surrounding SA meetings. I mean, wasn’t secrecy what got him into this mess? Do we want to perpetuate or encourage secrecy between husband and wife? I called a BS foul on that early on.

    Why do I stay? Good question. One that I ask myself just about every day. I don’t love him. I don’t respect him. I don’t trust him. I feel as though I have to insulate myself from him emotionally and financially. SO, WHAT THE F IS THAT? Well……that’s not a marriage in my book. I guess it’s a sick sort of roommate relationship. I have nearly 30 years of history with this man…..and he’s like a comfy old shoe. Inertia is a powerful force.

    I’ve been so damaged by this relationship that I don’t trust my own judgment. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust another man as long as I live. I went to a bar function a few months ago and had a panic attack. Suddenly I didn’t see colleagues in suits, I saw penis’ in suits. I excused myself from the function and I’ve never been back. I can’t imagine dating at this stage of life, particularly when I see men in suits as penis’ in suits. So….if I leave, I think I’ll have a lonely future. If I stay, I know I’ll have a lonely future. Some choice. I’ve given myself until July to make a decision. That will mark 2 years since my discovery.

    I think I need to find a new therapist and perhaps a psychiatrist. I’m awakening at around 2 AM after having a dream that I’m drowning. It happened again last night. The dream is always slightly different, but the common element is that something is holding on to me and holding me under water. It activates the fight or flight response, and I usually can’t get back to sleep for several hours. This is interferring with my daytime functioning. I sure don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. Thanks for listening…..

  • Betty

    Hello Fatchance,

    My husband did not go into a frenzied rage. I was prepared for that, but that’s not how he reacted. I confronted him by loading up all his favorite porn on his computer and leaving it for him to find. When he came upstairs, he was like a trapped rat trying to find cover. He tried everything to blame me….but I was prepared for that and I heard him open the safe before he came upstairs to talk with me. He realized I had everything. The rage never materialized. I was the one who flew into fits of rage on a regular basis. Initially I removed all the guns from the house because I really thought he might kill me, but as time went on and the disclosures dribbled out, I was glad I’d separated myself from the guns. There were times when I quite literally could have killed him. The more I think about it, the more I realize there is no healing from that. There is no healing from this fundamental rift in the marriage relationship. I feel sorry for him, but I can’t heal him and I can’t imagine ever having a normal marital relationship again. Perhaps it is time to divorce him and be done with it.

  • Diane

    Dear Betty,
    I think you have PTSD. I had symptoms much like yours. REad Barb Steffens book.
    Get a therapist of your own and don’t settle for an idiot. Mine has been my lifeline to being able to make the tough decisions for the right reasons.
    I didn’t sleep for the first two months because i thought my SA husband would come in the spare room where i was and kill me. That’s what all that was left to do to me, it seemed.

    I also started a “recover Diane” project. This helped me regain personal balance and restore everything that had drained out of me, including my sense of being a woman. Slowly and steadily I am become a woman again, and people can see the difference in me. My song for a long time was “looking for one safe place” by Mark Cohen. JoAnn posted it on the site so you can search for it. I learned I could become my own safe place, and with each small step I found courage for the next one.

    Living apart from my SA was like getting a new lease on my own life. I could hear myself, feel myself, know myself for the first time in a long time. I could also see the trail of devastation, the steady leaking out of the best of me over the years. The addiction is the tip of the iceberg. It is a symptom, i believe, of a more significant personality disorder created by childhood trauma. That disorder has other abusive behaviours in it, that you have no doubt been suffering through in silence.

    An important truth—if we do not value our lives in concrete actions and decisions that reveal appropriate self-love, don’t expect the SA or anybody else to do it. The first step belongs to US, not them. It has nothing to do with their sobriety, their program, their story. It has to do with US. The moment we decided we are real people with real value and real needs—the path begins to unfold. And as hard as everything has been and continues to be in my life, I wouldn’t go back for anything.

    Choose life. Choose your life. See what happens,

    love and light to you,
    Diane.

  • NAP

    Hi Betty,

    I admire your strength so much. I was too “blown away” when I found out about my husbands SA. If I could turn back time, Id be a frieght train too..isnt it sad we have to turn into a frieght train to survive? I agree with you, I dont think my marriage is a marriage-Im begining to understand the old saying “We live what we tolerate”.

  • Betty

    Thank you, Diane, for the words of wisdom and encouragement.

    My best, Betty

  • NAP

    Hi Diane,

    Thank you for your post-you are a light beam for me. If I may ask, how long has it been from discovery day for you? If you dont want to tell me, Ill understand.

  • Betty

    Hello, NAP….

    I too was “blown away” by the discovery. I probably spent 2-3 days in clinical shock. My SA was so out of it, he didn’t notice. I often thought that I was woodwork in his life, and this proved that I was. He never “saw” me unless he wanted sex. He certainly didn’t see that I was a mess. That 2-3 days was surreal. I felt like I was out of my body watching myself walk through life. At the 3-4 day mark, my professional training took over and I said to myself, “Girlfriend, you’ve got to get it together and get busy.” And I did. I confronted him 7 – 10 days after my actual discovery. It is sad that we have to be our own protectors. Husbands are supposed to serve in that role. That’s another fundamental rift that I don’t think can be healed. “Life will deal you what you will accept. Nothing More, nothing less.” –author unknown.

  • fatchance

    Hi Betty,
    OMG, I think you have PTSD too. I had almost the exact dream that I was in the water, coming up for air and I was being pushed back down. I’d awake in sheer terror. Othertimes, I didn’t remember dreaming, but I was told by everyone in the house that I had been yelling in my sleep, “Get the fu*% off of me!” and throwing punches.

    This was before I was aware consciously of what was going on. Shortly after, my two best friends died suddenly and then shortly thereafter my mother died. I was terribly grief stricken and had been hospitalized with pancreatus caused by a clogged bile duct. When I got home from the hospital, my husband said, “You’re so depressed, why don’t you just kill yourself?”

    About two weeks later, I was hospitalized in full flashback. It was horrifying-absolutely terrifying because I couldn’t even lean on my husband.

    Later, after he kept disappearing for a few days, I too pulled out my training and started investigating. I wasn’t happy with what I’d found. I knew then though, that I wasn’t the crazy one.

    I am back to work now and it feels pretty good. Husband out of the house, he has bail restrictions and a restraining order against him. My daughter said he’s an idiot to make me angry because he’s looking at a lot of months in jail if I decide to File a Motion for an Order to Show Cause or maybe even call up the DA. We need his financial support still, so I am sitting tight. I have a ball bat next to my bed and the door. I don’t think he’s that stupid since he got arrested. He knows I am not playing his doormat anymore.

    And the blame-OMG yes I can relate. It’s ridiculous and everytime he would rage at me I would talk logically and calmly. That would get him even more riled and he’d say, “You’re psychotic because you’re not yelling; you’re pulling that lawyer shit on me!”

    All I was doing was talking. I suggested I could toss a lamp through the front window if it would help. At that point he just started name calling like a foul-mouthed playground bully. He said he was going to shoot me or have me shot and: “Gonna fu*% someone else!” I told him he was a sad pathetic man.

    That was our last “conversation” face to face. Nice, huh? We’d just had sex the night before. Toward the end, sex made him crazy.

  • Mary

    Diane,

    Loved your words………..

  • Julia

    I am about six months past the discovery day when I learned about my husband’s extensive porn habit, but I am 31 years into knowing about his horrible staring habits in public…a habit that until the porn problem surfaced I tragically denied for all those years. My first battle has been to combat my tendency to deny his numerous shortcomings to suit my need for a perfect husband and a perfect marriage. He, of course, did all of the things other bloggers have listed…he IMMEDIATELY accused me of jealousy, of denying him sex, of not staying home every night to be with him…followed by a horrible conclusion, “maybe we should get a divorce,” OR “this isn’t working…I’m leaving,” knowing that I would fall to the floor in a slump and beg him to stay. In other words, he was initially TOTALLY in control, but I began reading everything I could get my hands on, becoming an expert computer sleuth and receipt reader, learning day by day the extent of his problem. I finally concluded, and he has since admitted, that he is a sex addict and that I am a co-addict. We have been working on saving our marriage and ourselves ever since. I have insisted that he no longer pathetically stares at young women when we are out in public (he’s doing pretty well at controlling that) and I have made the house a porn-free zone…STILL, I worry, with good reason, that he is expanding his staring of young women when he goes shopping alone. I have receipts that show him numerous times going through the checkout line at Costco to be in contact with a lovely checkout girl he has admitted to being obsessed with. He can also buy a piece of pizza at the snack bar and sit and stare even more at her. Now, I don’t like the porn but at least those women sadly have agreed to be looked at, and I don’t like it when he stares at women when we are at restaurants (he goes into a trance), but at least those women can leave and he will never see them again…but it’s something different entirely when a 20-year-old woman is in her place of work and receives horrible, penetrating and obsessive stares from a 60-year-old overweight customer repeatedly over month’s worth of encounters. Then she might be afraid to go to her car for fear he will be out there waiting for her. THEN he has crossed the line. It is that behavior I worry about the most now…as I have removed myself, our computer, and our house from his sex addiction, if he isn’t careful, he will inevitably cross the line and get into trouble. Has any other woman on this list had a similar experience? How did you handle it? I’m trying desperately to save myself, my self-esteem while I work to save a 31-year marriage that has many things going for it, if only he wasn’t a sex addict! We are both poised to retire with a house paid for and money in our retirement funds. Life should be good for us right now. Instead, we finally have the time to clean out the muck from our lives. I only hope that he is truthful when he says he wants to do just that.

    • Lou

      Julia, so sorry about your pain. You have some things going for you, tough: it seems he has not physically been with another woman, and, as bad as the porn and staring is, I am glad you don’t have the image of him with escorts, etc. You also seem to be o.k. financially, meaning he has not thrown your life savings away to the sex industry. This is good. Now you can concentrate on the addiction with the knowledge that you are not trapped by lack of funds. Some of us are in marriages longer than yours when the SA has spent our retirement savings on prostitutes. I for one am trapped at this point. Just staying so I am save up enough money to leave at some point. Now, please know that I am not in any way diminishing your pain. You are hurting and afraid and heart-broken. However, you seem strong and you will make it through this. But I am worried about the “fall on the floor in a slump and beg” part. It is time for him to do the begging…he should be begging you to stay. I hope he is truthful when he says he wants to clean out the muck. Bless you.

  • Liza

    Hi Christy, I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with so much hardship! One thing springs to mind when reading your post – we marry ‘in sickness and in health’. I have no doubt you’d have stuck with your partner had the shoe been on the other foot so to speak. You’ve been through so much trauma just dealing with your illness, how unfair that you now have to deal with blame attached to something completely out of your control. And these guys do isolate us, what would they do if we were strong and whole? Just remember, you ARE strong, for God’s sake you’ve dealt admirably with health circumstances that would overwhelm any normal person. Now it’s time to take back some control. As a wife/partner, you have the right to knowledge about finances, you have the right to make new friends, and the right to pursue any and all things that make you feel good about yourself. I’m in your corner, Liza

  • Jasmine

    It started 15 years ago, he admitted to his porn and said he was
    sorry and he’d never do it again. He even said God healed him
    from it. So I believed him and gave him another chance. So years went by
    and he always seemed to have his parents praises and he could
    charm people very easily. Occasionally he would ignore my needs and
    even ignore answering me within trying to have a conversation with him. He always
    seemed just not into me. I’m not ugly but he started programming longer hours
    at home, ignoring our child and I and in public he started gawking a few occasions at women and mostly
    at mag and book covers at the book store and these situations would mostly happen when
    his parents were at the checkout counter and he and I were at the front entrance and I’d expess my upset at
    him in the car and at home and he’d manage to blurt out that it was all in my head and infront of our child, so
    it would look like I was crazy. He admitted to thinking about what was up his coworkers
    skirts at work and was occasionally flirty in work blogs I found of his he saved in his email.
    I would point out his gawking and trance like behaviors towards naked or skantly ie Slut book or mag covers
    and he’d deny it all. Just this past year I found showgirls porn links in his webhistory and
    he tried lying and stating that the links were attached to other sites he was on and auto attached in his
    Webhistory. Duh I’m not stupid. So he finally admitted but I still remember the smirk he had
    when I busted him with the webhistory porn. Now I’m divorcing him
    as a dissolution and I’m getting a job and looking at house rentals.
    I’m taking my life back. Oh btw he says I can only have residential custody if I
    stay in same city where our child’s school is and that I can’t move our child out of
    state to live closer to my parents and get away from his sex addiction and his brothers pot
    addiction, living with their parents still at age 30 and dipping it up in their moms garage. I’m a non addict
    I’m a total clean mom and I will rent my house in this city and get residential
    custody of my child to keep her safe the best I can. Oh would you know that this porn addict
    husband of mine is in his mind “one of the few chosen by God to be saved forever as once saved always saved” he also believes
    that God uses sin for good oh and that I am part of the blame of our relationship gone bad. That in some way I stressed him out by some
    false accusations that weren’t false and caused him to do porn. Oh and on his app program he just cant seem to keep the
    dating and sex ads off his fee app and he created a profile on
    Christianmingle.com when I was at my moms speaking divorce over email with him because
    he shipped me off cause I got mad at his comment that he wouldn’t mind having
    a girl on the outside of a liquor bottle and then while I was at my moms he emailed me all my sarcastic remarks I’ve
    used to defend myself with and my sarcastic exaggerations when upset at him and a few of my ptsd nightmares and he turned those around in
    email to make me seem crazy and he added a pschitzo link at the bottom for me. That was the divorce starter.
    Then he sent me flowers so I came back and also to protect our daughter because father in law
    was saying “oh he just made a mistake ” and he started saying that I
    abandoned our daughter, when I was making a way for her to move there with me, but he was refusing.
    So I came back. Then one might at our daughters concert he had his camera and he leaned way forward
    and had his legs spread and the blonde infront of him was between his knees. I had to ask him 4 times to please
    move his legs back a bit and he gruffed and pshh’d at me and finally I asked him to respect me and he
    gruffed and moved a bit so I helped him more with my legs and he hated that
    and I changed places to make him sit behind the ladies husband and his eyes went blood shot and his mom
    kept motioning that he could sit behind another lady and I refused. When I pointed out to his mom to begin
    with what he was doing, she told me it was no big deal and not to worry about it. Then later she said she didn’t see what I saw.
    Then husband states counseling computers are down and he can’t make appointment until counselor
    calls him. I find he has blogged falsely accusing me of personality disorder on an anythingtostopthepain website
    and he downloaded a kindle app called how to protect yourself when divorcing a narcissistic perso
    nality disorder and I don’t have
    any disorder besides marrying him. I’ve had severe depression for 15 years from this mental abuse, yelled at cause I turned the heater warmer than 68 degrees
    and pushed to the floor for trying to grab a fantasy game from him that I thought was not appropriate
    for our daughter and he screamed at me to respect his stuff. So I know I’ve been married to a Smeagle and his precious
    is his porn stuff and skantly vulgar fantasy stuff and I’m sleeping on an air mattress
    upstairs while his pompous butt is in the king size bed downstairs and I’m working on getting out of here for our daughter and I’s sake. I’m anonymously selling
    my wedding ring online so he can shove his ring engrave meant of “with your love I am complete up his butt! Get out ladies while you can. The porn
    and sex addiction made my man mean and his pride is putting blame on me for he is in complete denial and diving into every biblical books and men’s group he can
    get into mostly I believe to appear a righteous hearted man while infront of the divorce court judge.

  • Staci

    I really need to speak up about my story. I have a sex addict, very long-term, sociopath boyfriend. He’s watched me lose my Hand and Brother and stayed for the settlement that is now gone. He makes a decent living, yet rent is never paid, nor anything else, eve though I bought the roof he lives under. He is a has managed in several different stores, all of which provides him with access to thousands of females and their addresses in every job. He’s so sick, that he uses pet places, because females are more likely to congregate. I have found hundreds of ropes on him, that he buys for sex and I know this from personal experience. I’ve also found hundreds of numbers ran into countless females that end up seeking me out, because he’s screwing them. He has a very keen method in getting these girls to stay quiet and it’s amazing what I’ve been through and still endure, but to no worry of his whatsoever. I’ve found baby oil, makeup, fake names he uses on sites, had jealous females calling my phone, found him staying at a motel across from our HOME, love CD’s, song lyrics, receipts, collars, wild colored strands of hair and have recorded a loud hot rod picking him up ten minutes after I leave for work then him being obsessed over camaro’s all of a sudden… My son loves him and he uses that and me being financially crippled, to keep me under his control. I have no friends, no real family and I am on two types of anxiety meds over grief of death, losing my son to a similar man and this guy killing me mentally and emotionally. I just found a huge bruise on him he tried justifying days earlier, in a completely different place he mentioned and have found scratches and other marks on him. He flips out on me any single time I find anything and calls me a sl*t, saying I MUST have someone else. All his friends, he actually openly calls degenerates and they’re all involved with females he knows all too well. He admits one thing, no more. He lives countless lives with fake names on and off the internet and does it all during supposed working hours and squeezes every moment to do sick sh*t anytime I cannot babysit him. Most female coworkers, he gets extremely close to and had an ongoing threeway IN his work when my car was broken down and I walked in on the three of them in the office after looking for fifteen minutes and him ignoring my calls. He let one of these girls talk down to me and hid in the back as I nearly fought her. Recently baby oil went missing and I see the same cars frequently going by his work, not buying a thing, yet driving by several times after I show up. He’s had people watch me, to let him know if I am at work, so he can do these things. He is violent and has almost been fired for behavior he won’t elaborate on. Some girls are underage. He’s been questioned by cops and my brother was shot after he heard a story about my bf cheating and coming over to yell at him for it. I am crippled in life right now and like one woman said, he banks on that. He will yell, sometimes in my face, for hours if I calmly or aggressively bring any of it up. He created two female emails, misspelling the same words as he normally does, as he pretended to be two girls that supposedly got pregnant by him He kept it up for seven months, during my brother’s death, along with cut and copied pictures, actually pretending to be two semi-famous porn stars that still loved him, but I challenged it every bit of the way and the story changed. He’s trying to distract me from being on my phone right now, because he knows I might be figuring something out. I am in a literal hell. I lost my dad when he was in the work threeway fling and he enjoys my worrying. I pretended to be a different person from another number and he was a disgusting pig. He’s dangerous and can’t cry or show any real care but has everyone but me and a couple others, fooled. He calls me sick and that all of this is in my head – apparently that’s a SA trait. Everything is a lie and acting game by him and I cannot live this way any longer. But I am very stuck. I’m extremely hopeless. He has me over a barrel and I am very angry and disgusted, yet I love him and he gets violent when I make him leave and then threatens siding up with my ex in my custody case… Wth do I do?! Thank you for listening.

  • Staci

    I lost my DAD and Brother, not my hand…

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