Comments on: Confronting The Sex Addict

By: Jasmine

Jasmine — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:23:57 +0000

It started 15 years ago, he admitted to his porn and said he was
sorry and he’d never do it again. He even said God healed him
from it. So I believed him and gave him another chance. So years went by
and he always seemed to have his parents praises and he could
charm people very easily. Occasionally he would ignore my needs and
even ignore answering me within trying to have a conversation with him. He always
seemed just not into me. I’m not ugly but he started programming longer hours
at home, ignoring our child and I and in public he started gawking a few occasions at women and mostly
at mag and book covers at the book store and these situations would mostly happen when
his parents were at the checkout counter and he and I were at the front entrance and I’d expess my upset at
him in the car and at home and he’d manage to blurt out that it was all in my head and infront of our child, so
it would look like I was crazy. He admitted to thinking about what was up his coworkers
skirts at work and was occasionally flirty in work blogs I found of his he saved in his email.
I would point out his gawking and trance like behaviors towards naked or skantly ie Slut book or mag covers
and he’d deny it all. Just this past year I found showgirls porn links in his webhistory and
he tried lying and stating that the links were attached to other sites he was on and auto attached in his
Webhistory. Duh I’m not stupid. So he finally admitted but I still remember the smirk he had
when I busted him with the webhistory porn. Now I’m divorcing him
as a dissolution and I’m getting a job and looking at house rentals.
I’m taking my life back. Oh btw he says I can only have residential custody if I
stay in same city where our child’s school is and that I can’t move our child out of
state to live closer to my parents and get away from his sex addiction and his brothers pot
addiction, living with their parents still at age 30 and dipping it up in their moms garage. I’m a non addict
I’m a total clean mom and I will rent my house in this city and get residential
custody of my child to keep her safe the best I can. Oh would you know that this porn addict
husband of mine is in his mind “one of the few chosen by God to be saved forever as once saved always saved” he also believes
that God uses sin for good oh and that I am part of the blame of our relationship gone bad. That in some way I stressed him out by some
false accusations that weren’t false and caused him to do porn. Oh and on his app program he just cant seem to keep the
dating and sex ads off his fee app and he created a profile on
Christianmingle.com when I was at my moms speaking divorce over email with him because
he shipped me off cause I got mad at his comment that he wouldn’t mind having
a girl on the outside of a liquor bottle and then while I was at my moms he emailed me all my sarcastic remarks I’ve
used to defend myself with and my sarcastic exaggerations when upset at him and a few of my ptsd nightmares and he turned those around in
email to make me seem crazy and he added a pschitzo link at the bottom for me. That was the divorce starter.
Then he sent me flowers so I came back and also to protect our daughter because father in law
was saying “oh he just made a mistake ” and he started saying that I
abandoned our daughter, when I was making a way for her to move there with me, but he was refusing.
So I came back. Then one might at our daughters concert he had his camera and he leaned way forward
and had his legs spread and the blonde infront of him was between his knees. I had to ask him 4 times to please
move his legs back a bit and he gruffed and pshh’d at me and finally I asked him to respect me and he
gruffed and moved a bit so I helped him more with my legs and he hated that
and I changed places to make him sit behind the ladies husband and his eyes went blood shot and his mom
kept motioning that he could sit behind another lady and I refused. When I pointed out to his mom to begin
with what he was doing, she told me it was no big deal and not to worry about it. Then later she said she didn’t see what I saw.
Then husband states counseling computers are down and he can’t make appointment until counselor
calls him. I find he has blogged falsely accusing me of personality disorder on an anythingtostopthepain website
and he downloaded a kindle app called how to protect yourself when divorcing a narcissistic perso
nality disorder and I don’t have
any disorder besides marrying him. I’ve had severe depression for 15 years from this mental abuse, yelled at cause I turned the heater warmer than 68 degrees
and pushed to the floor for trying to grab a fantasy game from him that I thought was not appropriate
for our daughter and he screamed at me to respect his stuff. So I know I’ve been married to a Smeagle and his precious
is his porn stuff and skantly vulgar fantasy stuff and I’m sleeping on an air mattress
upstairs while his pompous butt is in the king size bed downstairs and I’m working on getting out of here for our daughter and I’s sake. I’m anonymously selling
my wedding ring online so he can shove his ring engrave meant of “with your love I am complete up his butt! Get out ladies while you can. The porn
and sex addiction made my man mean and his pride is putting blame on me for he is in complete denial and diving into every biblical books and men’s group he can
get into mostly I believe to appear a righteous hearted man while infront of the divorce court judge.

By: Liza

Liza — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 04:21:06 +0000

Hi Christy, I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with so much hardship! One thing springs to mind when reading your post – we marry ‘in sickness and in health’. I have no doubt you’d have stuck with your partner had the shoe been on the other foot so to speak. You’ve been through so much trauma just dealing with your illness, how unfair that you now have to deal with blame attached to something completely out of your control. And these guys do isolate us, what would they do if we were strong and whole? Just remember, you ARE strong, for God’s sake you’ve dealt admirably with health circumstances that would overwhelm any normal person. Now it’s time to take back some control. As a wife/partner, you have the right to knowledge about finances, you have the right to make new friends, and the right to pursue any and all things that make you feel good about yourself. I’m in your corner, Liza

By: christy

christy — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:17:35 +0000

I don’t know if this will get answered but I’ve been married 28 years … I was sick for the past 16 and bedridden for 5 then a year ago got a clean bill of health. Over the years I have not been as “available” for sex or anything else as I wanted to be but my husband stayed. Now the past year I have been working to get my physical and emotional health back but since 20 yrs ago I had a hysterectomy and they took everything + 1/2 of my vjj it’s been oral all the time. Sorry for the graphic info but it’s important to know. Husband has always wanted way more than me but now that I’m well I’m trying to work with what I have but it’s hard. So I found out he looks at those websites ALL THE TIME. EVERY DAY. He doesn’t realize I know how to check the history and have seen images I can’t get out of my mind … so my fear is that in confronting him he will blame me to justify it and I will back down. But if I don’t tell him I know I have NO self-respect. I have been very clear with him what I need like a compliment once in awhile would be nice to know he thinks I am attractive, intelligent etc but he just belittles. So when I try to talk to him about this I can just feel him turning it around on me like he does everything else (when I have told him I need compliments he says well it works both ways and then still doesn’t throw me any bones but I always tell him now how nice he looks etc) Somehow just writing this makes me feel better but any encouragement you can give me would be helpful. I should also say that even though I have been sick he still has worked very hard to get me isolated: I don’t drive, don’t have friends, he takes care of all the finances and I don’t even have access to the bank statements…I think I am in real trouble here. Please help…

By: Lou

Lou — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 03:50:13 +0000

Julia, so sorry about your pain. You have some things going for you, tough: it seems he has not physically been with another woman, and, as bad as the porn and staring is, I am glad you don’t have the image of him with escorts, etc. You also seem to be o.k. financially, meaning he has not thrown your life savings away to the sex industry. This is good. Now you can concentrate on the addiction with the knowledge that you are not trapped by lack of funds. Some of us are in marriages longer than yours when the SA has spent our retirement savings on prostitutes. I for one am trapped at this point. Just staying so I am save up enough money to leave at some point. Now, please know that I am not in any way diminishing your pain. You are hurting and afraid and heart-broken. However, you seem strong and you will make it through this. But I am worried about the “fall on the floor in a slump and beg” part. It is time for him to do the begging…he should be begging you to stay. I hope he is truthful when he says he wants to clean out the muck. Bless you.

By: Julia

Julia — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 15:12:03 +0000

I am about six months past the discovery day when I learned about my husband’s extensive porn habit, but I am 31 years into knowing about his horrible staring habits in public…a habit that until the porn problem surfaced I tragically denied for all those years. My first battle has been to combat my tendency to deny his numerous shortcomings to suit my need for a perfect husband and a perfect marriage. He, of course, did all of the things other bloggers have listed…he IMMEDIATELY accused me of jealousy, of denying him sex, of not staying home every night to be with him…followed by a horrible conclusion, “maybe we should get a divorce,” OR “this isn’t working…I’m leaving,” knowing that I would fall to the floor in a slump and beg him to stay. In other words, he was initially TOTALLY in control, but I began reading everything I could get my hands on, becoming an expert computer sleuth and receipt reader, learning day by day the extent of his problem. I finally concluded, and he has since admitted, that he is a sex addict and that I am a co-addict. We have been working on saving our marriage and ourselves ever since. I have insisted that he no longer pathetically stares at young women when we are out in public (he’s doing pretty well at controlling that) and I have made the house a porn-free zone…STILL, I worry, with good reason, that he is expanding his staring of young women when he goes shopping alone. I have receipts that show him numerous times going through the checkout line at Costco to be in contact with a lovely checkout girl he has admitted to being obsessed with. He can also buy a piece of pizza at the snack bar and sit and stare even more at her. Now, I don’t like the porn but at least those women sadly have agreed to be looked at, and I don’t like it when he stares at women when we are at restaurants (he goes into a trance), but at least those women can leave and he will never see them again…but it’s something different entirely when a 20-year-old woman is in her place of work and receives horrible, penetrating and obsessive stares from a 60-year-old overweight customer repeatedly over month’s worth of encounters. Then she might be afraid to go to her car for fear he will be out there waiting for her. THEN he has crossed the line. It is that behavior I worry about the most now…as I have removed myself, our computer, and our house from his sex addiction, if he isn’t careful, he will inevitably cross the line and get into trouble. Has any other woman on this list had a similar experience? How did you handle it? I’m trying desperately to save myself, my self-esteem while I work to save a 31-year marriage that has many things going for it, if only he wasn’t a sex addict! We are both poised to retire with a house paid for and money in our retirement funds. Life should be good for us right now. Instead, we finally have the time to clean out the muck from our lives. I only hope that he is truthful when he says he wants to do just that.