Comments on: Confronting The Sex Addict http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/confronting-the-sex-addict/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:53:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Liza http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/confronting-the-sex-addict/#comment-10124 Liza Sat, 14 Jan 2012 04:21:06 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=1204#comment-10124 Hi Christy, I'm so sorry you've been dealing with so much hardship! One thing springs to mind when reading your post - we marry 'in sickness and in health'. I have no doubt you'd have stuck with your partner had the shoe been on the other foot so to speak. You've been through so much trauma just dealing with your illness, how unfair that you now have to deal with blame attached to something completely out of your control. And these guys do isolate us, what would they do if we were strong and whole? Just remember, you ARE strong, for God's sake you've dealt admirably with health circumstances that would overwhelm any normal person. Now it's time to take back some control. As a wife/partner, you have the right to knowledge about finances, you have the right to make new friends, and the right to pursue any and all things that make you feel good about yourself. I'm in your corner, Liza Hi Christy, I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with so much hardship! One thing springs to mind when reading your post – we marry ‘in sickness and in health’. I have no doubt you’d have stuck with your partner had the shoe been on the other foot so to speak. You’ve been through so much trauma just dealing with your illness, how unfair that you now have to deal with blame attached to something completely out of your control. And these guys do isolate us, what would they do if we were strong and whole? Just remember, you ARE strong, for God’s sake you’ve dealt admirably with health circumstances that would overwhelm any normal person. Now it’s time to take back some control. As a wife/partner, you have the right to knowledge about finances, you have the right to make new friends, and the right to pursue any and all things that make you feel good about yourself. I’m in your corner, Liza

]]> By: christy http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/confronting-the-sex-addict/#comment-10123 christy Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:17:35 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=1204#comment-10123 I don't know if this will get answered but I've been married 28 years ... I was sick for the past 16 and bedridden for 5 then a year ago got a clean bill of health. Over the years I have not been as "available" for sex or anything else as I wanted to be but my husband stayed. Now the past year I have been working to get my physical and emotional health back but since 20 yrs ago I had a hysterectomy and they took everything + 1/2 of my vjj it's been oral all the time. Sorry for the graphic info but it's important to know. Husband has always wanted way more than me but now that I'm well I'm trying to work with what I have but it's hard. So I found out he looks at those websites ALL THE TIME. EVERY DAY. He doesn't realize I know how to check the history and have seen images I can't get out of my mind ... so my fear is that in confronting him he will blame me to justify it and I will back down. But if I don't tell him I know I have NO self-respect. I have been very clear with him what I need like a compliment once in awhile would be nice to know he thinks I am attractive, intelligent etc but he just belittles. So when I try to talk to him about this I can just feel him turning it around on me like he does everything else (when I have told him I need compliments he says well it works both ways and then still doesn't throw me any bones but I always tell him now how nice he looks etc) Somehow just writing this makes me feel better but any encouragement you can give me would be helpful. I should also say that even though I have been sick he still has worked very hard to get me isolated: I don't drive, don't have friends, he takes care of all the finances and I don't even have access to the bank statements...I think I am in real trouble here. Please help... I don’t know if this will get answered but I’ve been married 28 years … I was sick for the past 16 and bedridden for 5 then a year ago got a clean bill of health. Over the years I have not been as “available” for sex or anything else as I wanted to be but my husband stayed. Now the past year I have been working to get my physical and emotional health back but since 20 yrs ago I had a hysterectomy and they took everything + 1/2 of my vjj it’s been oral all the time. Sorry for the graphic info but it’s important to know. Husband has always wanted way more than me but now that I’m well I’m trying to work with what I have but it’s hard. So I found out he looks at those websites ALL THE TIME. EVERY DAY. He doesn’t realize I know how to check the history and have seen images I can’t get out of my mind … so my fear is that in confronting him he will blame me to justify it and I will back down. But if I don’t tell him I know I have NO self-respect. I have been very clear with him what I need like a compliment once in awhile would be nice to know he thinks I am attractive, intelligent etc but he just belittles. So when I try to talk to him about this I can just feel him turning it around on me like he does everything else (when I have told him I need compliments he says well it works both ways and then still doesn’t throw me any bones but I always tell him now how nice he looks etc) Somehow just writing this makes me feel better but any encouragement you can give me would be helpful. I should also say that even though I have been sick he still has worked very hard to get me isolated: I don’t drive, don’t have friends, he takes care of all the finances and I don’t even have access to the bank statements…I think I am in real trouble here. Please help…

]]> By: Lou http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/confronting-the-sex-addict/#comment-9405 Lou Fri, 01 Apr 2011 03:50:13 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=1204#comment-9405 Julia, so sorry about your pain. You have some things going for you, tough: it seems he has not physically been with another woman, and, as bad as the porn and staring is, I am glad you don't have the image of him with escorts, etc. You also seem to be o.k. financially, meaning he has not thrown your life savings away to the sex industry. This is good. Now you can concentrate on the addiction with the knowledge that you are not trapped by lack of funds. Some of us are in marriages longer than yours when the SA has spent our retirement savings on prostitutes. I for one am trapped at this point. Just staying so I am save up enough money to leave at some point. Now, please know that I am not in any way diminishing your pain. You are hurting and afraid and heart-broken. However, you seem strong and you will make it through this. But I am worried about the "fall on the floor in a slump and beg" part. It is time for him to do the begging...he should be begging you to stay. I hope he is truthful when he says he wants to clean out the muck. Bless you. Julia, so sorry about your pain. You have some things going for you, tough: it seems he has not physically been with another woman, and, as bad as the porn and staring is, I am glad you don’t have the image of him with escorts, etc. You also seem to be o.k. financially, meaning he has not thrown your life savings away to the sex industry. This is good. Now you can concentrate on the addiction with the knowledge that you are not trapped by lack of funds. Some of us are in marriages longer than yours when the SA has spent our retirement savings on prostitutes. I for one am trapped at this point. Just staying so I am save up enough money to leave at some point. Now, please know that I am not in any way diminishing your pain. You are hurting and afraid and heart-broken. However, you seem strong and you will make it through this. But I am worried about the “fall on the floor in a slump and beg” part. It is time for him to do the begging…he should be begging you to stay. I hope he is truthful when he says he wants to clean out the muck. Bless you.

]]> By: Julia http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/confronting-the-sex-addict/#comment-9401 Julia Thu, 31 Mar 2011 15:12:03 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=1204#comment-9401 I am about six months past the discovery day when I learned about my husband's extensive porn habit, but I am 31 years into knowing about his horrible staring habits in public...a habit that until the porn problem surfaced I tragically denied for all those years. My first battle has been to combat my tendency to deny his numerous shortcomings to suit my need for a perfect husband and a perfect marriage. He, of course, did all of the things other bloggers have listed...he IMMEDIATELY accused me of jealousy, of denying him sex, of not staying home every night to be with him...followed by a horrible conclusion, "maybe we should get a divorce," OR "this isn't working...I'm leaving," knowing that I would fall to the floor in a slump and beg him to stay. In other words, he was initially TOTALLY in control, but I began reading everything I could get my hands on, becoming an expert computer sleuth and receipt reader, learning day by day the extent of his problem. I finally concluded, and he has since admitted, that he is a sex addict and that I am a co-addict. We have been working on saving our marriage and ourselves ever since. I have insisted that he no longer pathetically stares at young women when we are out in public (he's doing pretty well at controlling that) and I have made the house a porn-free zone...STILL, I worry, with good reason, that he is expanding his staring of young women when he goes shopping alone. I have receipts that show him numerous times going through the checkout line at Costco to be in contact with a lovely checkout girl he has admitted to being obsessed with. He can also buy a piece of pizza at the snack bar and sit and stare even more at her. Now, I don't like the porn but at least those women sadly have agreed to be looked at, and I don't like it when he stares at women when we are at restaurants (he goes into a trance), but at least those women can leave and he will never see them again...but it's something different entirely when a 20-year-old woman is in her place of work and receives horrible, penetrating and obsessive stares from a 60-year-old overweight customer repeatedly over month's worth of encounters. Then she might be afraid to go to her car for fear he will be out there waiting for her. THEN he has crossed the line. It is that behavior I worry about the most now...as I have removed myself, our computer, and our house from his sex addiction, if he isn't careful, he will inevitably cross the line and get into trouble. Has any other woman on this list had a similar experience? How did you handle it? I'm trying desperately to save myself, my self-esteem while I work to save a 31-year marriage that has many things going for it, if only he wasn't a sex addict! We are both poised to retire with a house paid for and money in our retirement funds. Life should be good for us right now. Instead, we finally have the time to clean out the muck from our lives. I only hope that he is truthful when he says he wants to do just that. I am about six months past the discovery day when I learned about my husband’s extensive porn habit, but I am 31 years into knowing about his horrible staring habits in public…a habit that until the porn problem surfaced I tragically denied for all those years. My first battle has been to combat my tendency to deny his numerous shortcomings to suit my need for a perfect husband and a perfect marriage. He, of course, did all of the things other bloggers have listed…he IMMEDIATELY accused me of jealousy, of denying him sex, of not staying home every night to be with him…followed by a horrible conclusion, “maybe we should get a divorce,” OR “this isn’t working…I’m leaving,” knowing that I would fall to the floor in a slump and beg him to stay. In other words, he was initially TOTALLY in control, but I began reading everything I could get my hands on, becoming an expert computer sleuth and receipt reader, learning day by day the extent of his problem. I finally concluded, and he has since admitted, that he is a sex addict and that I am a co-addict. We have been working on saving our marriage and ourselves ever since. I have insisted that he no longer pathetically stares at young women when we are out in public (he’s doing pretty well at controlling that) and I have made the house a porn-free zone…STILL, I worry, with good reason, that he is expanding his staring of young women when he goes shopping alone. I have receipts that show him numerous times going through the checkout line at Costco to be in contact with a lovely checkout girl he has admitted to being obsessed with. He can also buy a piece of pizza at the snack bar and sit and stare even more at her. Now, I don’t like the porn but at least those women sadly have agreed to be looked at, and I don’t like it when he stares at women when we are at restaurants (he goes into a trance), but at least those women can leave and he will never see them again…but it’s something different entirely when a 20-year-old woman is in her place of work and receives horrible, penetrating and obsessive stares from a 60-year-old overweight customer repeatedly over month’s worth of encounters. Then she might be afraid to go to her car for fear he will be out there waiting for her. THEN he has crossed the line. It is that behavior I worry about the most now…as I have removed myself, our computer, and our house from his sex addiction, if he isn’t careful, he will inevitably cross the line and get into trouble. Has any other woman on this list had a similar experience? How did you handle it? I’m trying desperately to save myself, my self-esteem while I work to save a 31-year marriage that has many things going for it, if only he wasn’t a sex addict! We are both poised to retire with a house paid for and money in our retirement funds. Life should be good for us right now. Instead, we finally have the time to clean out the muck from our lives. I only hope that he is truthful when he says he wants to do just that.

]]> By: Mary http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/confronting-the-sex-addict/#comment-8448 Mary Thu, 30 Dec 2010 03:40:52 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=1204#comment-8448 Diane, Loved your words........... Diane,

Loved your words………..

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