I recently discovered that my husband of 22 years is a sex addict. It started with his “out of the blue” request for a divorce in Feb. of this year (unbenownst to me, he was in the middle of an acting out binge at the time). After picking myself off the floor, I literarily flipped cartwheels to save our marriage as he is/was the love of my life. I lost 35 pounds (not difficult to do because I couldn’t eat), became a doting, attentive wife – and turned into a sex kitten. For two months, he vacillated between wanting to work on the marriage and not (while I held onto my seat on the roller coaster)- but then a month in, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, which seemed to wake him up. We both worked hard on our marriage with a marriage therapist and we reconnected like never before (in spite of the sex addiction lurking in the background). We have four children (within 20 months of each other) so intimacy took a back seat over the years. During the course of our reconnecting, however, unbeknowst to me, there was a rotten onion, whose layers were slowly being peeled off.
First, the day of the divorce request, he revealed that he had an “older woman friend” who was like a free therapist to him and helped him with his decision that he needed to “find his light”. After my breast cancer diagnosis, he told me that he was cutting things off with her, especially since she started to stalk me at the local coffee shop and listening to my conversations. Then – the next onion layer: my husband revealed the fact that he visited prostitutes for many years but had stopped that a year ago because he wasn’t get a lot out of it. Then, another onion layer….(sigh), I discovered a old Craigslist ad on his computer where he was looking for an “inquisitive older woman for adventure”, and then….(another sigh), a late night text on his phone revealed yet another active affair that was in the works (again – framed as “just a friend”). Shockingly, during the course of this, our marriage therapist didn’t “connect the dots” and when I inquired what this all meant, our marriage therapist actually said that it’s common for men to go to prostitutes (sigh). It was only when I read a book about the high incidence of sex addiction among covert incest survivors (my husband is a survivor) and sex addiction (“Silently Seduced”) – that the last puzzle piece fell into place. Thank you Dr. Adams.
Besides the pain of the staggered disclosures and discoveries over the past year, I think the worst part has been the past 2 months of his denial, rationalization (“I was lonely”), minimization (“it was only 1 year of prostitutes vs. his originally disclosed 5 years), blaming (“if you had been a better wife it wouldn’t have happened”) and “gaslighting” (“you are crazy and making a mountain out of a molehill”) – all while our marriage therapist watched and facilitated. It was unbearable and despite my best efforts at detaching, it took a huge toll on me. I finally decided to leave the marriage (or take a well deserved break) a few weeks ago – and lo and behold, by my detaching and being prepared to exit, he started going to 12 step meetings for sex addicts once a week. I’m still a bit skeptical because I know how addicts’ brains work….but somewhat encouraged.
Here’s how I got through the traumatic time right after the puzzle piece fell into place: I went to COSA and S-Anon meetings – got support from others in the same boat and my mantras became: ”Trust yourself and your reality”, “Your feelings identify your needs” and “Love Yourself”. I read lots of books on the topic, including Carnes. (my favorite for the partner is Barbara Steffens, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse”) and I made taking care of myself a priority (rather than focusing on the hurricane that swept through our house).
I realize that I experienced much trauma over the past year (in addition to the sex addiction storm, I also went through breast cancer surgery and radiation – yup – it’s a miracle I’m still standing)…. I’m living the motto: that which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
So – here’s what I’m doing to help myself get out of the haze going forward and get on with my life: I’m planning to go to a Trauma 6 day intensive workshop at the Institute of Sexual Health in LA – and require that my husband go to an intensive in or outpatient sex addiction treatment, including a full disclosure to me with polygraph. I’ve come to realize that this is what will make me feel safe given the established and escalation nature of his disease over the years (his addiction began in childhood with masturbation and escalated to prostitutes and serial affairs with older women, representing his mother). Both of us need individual therapy and then once the addiction therapy and my trauma work is underway, then marriage therapy to rebuild trust and intimacy, along with 12 step programs and groups.
I’m hoping that our marriage can be saved – but I know that addiction can be a difficult road, and lots of hard work will be necessary from both of us to fight this insidious disease and the after shocks. Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope that we all can heal and help our “sisters” (and “brothers”) get through this.
New update…..this weekend, hubby admitted that he has a serious problem and realizes that he needs more than just once a week therapy. Last week I had given him a list of things that I needed to feel safe (e.g. 12 step or groups with an accountability partner or sponsor, a full disclosure, etc.) which he scoffed at. He does admit that he can’t say “no” to weak women who “need” him and then that leads to sex. He seems to be working on all of this in therapy and is making some progress, although the “powerlessness” thing is an obstacle for him – he thinks that he can stop it all with no problem. I’m trying to be patient and work on my own trauma and co-dependency and not focus on him, and not to focus on the sadness of the past, the fear of the future and try to live in the moment. I realize that when I do focus on him and his recovery out of fear (and also because I so want a healthy relationship), then he freaks out because of his “mother” rebellion thing that he’s working on from his past.
It’s hard to put the fear of the future to one side and admit powerlessness, but it seems to give me the peace and serenity that working a 12 step program provides.
I realize that his “I’m going to work on my recovery” mood might not last (last time, it only lasted a few weeks) – but I’m taking my seat belt off and getting off the roller coaster. I have no expectations for what might happen tomorrow. I find the best antidotes for getting sucked onto to the roller coaster ride are: yoga, meditation, prayer, gratitude, massages, helping others and nurturing and working on improving myself.
If you are reading this and are on the roller coaster…..try and get off before you lose your mind or your health. I wish I would have months ago. I think I aged about 10 years and our kids could really see that I was spiraling with the grief and stress of it all.
Deb
You might point out to him the contradiction of ‘I can’t say no to weak women’ and ‘I can stop it all with no problem.’ I mean, after you get back from yoga and a massage…
Hello all,
I just got back from my 6 day partner of SA intensive at the Institute for Sexual Health – it was amazing! Dr. Minwalla really understands the various types of trauma that we’ve gone through, in every sordid detail. It was very validating and healing (using somatic, talk and art therapy). I highly recommend it for any partner interested in healing. As a result of the workshop, I came to the conclusion that my husband is emotionally abusing me with his gaslighting, staggered disclosures, minimization and general lack of recognition of his problem. I need space from him and unless he gets into serious recovery, then I do not want to remain in the marriage. Of course the big question of the hour is how long to “wait and see”. Life is short and I certainly desire and deserve a connected and intimate relationship with a healthy partner. It remains to be seen if my husband can fill those shoes. Time will tell – and in the meantime, I’m going to trust, honor and love myself (and my kids). Thanks to everyone for your comments. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.
D
I am divorced from my sex and porn addict husband. I read the posts here and can relate to all of them. There are a lot of strong women here and that’s what will get you through it all. I had to leave a very bad situation and, secretly,moved out while he was at work, not telling him where I was going. I have never looked back. I have 3 wonderful children and we are all at peace now. It is such a difficult thing to deal with, but take the first step and the next ones will come more easily. Good luck to all of us!
Diane
Diane,
Your children are very blessed to have a strong mother like you. I can’t imagine what you and your kids experienced having to leave in secret. These situations are so tough because you can’t reveal the reasons behind the chaos. Children don’t deserve to have fathers like this and as mothers we want to protect them from all of it. I am glad that you are at peace now. That alone is worth the journey!
I am starting to have days where I feel normal or at least what feels like my new normal. The divorce is progressing. I am still not sure that I will ever be able to trust another man. I do want to date again because I refuse to let this man win. He will not sentence me to a life of lonliness. These men will never understand the damage they do to their families.
Stay strong,
M
I am currently in the midst of a divorce from my husband of 14 years. I received a phone call 8 weeks ago from the woman he had been having an affair with. She was angry because he broke it off with her and was seeing someone new. She told me many stories and eventually gave me all of the ammunition (nude photos of himself sent to a dating site, cards letters, and pictures of him with my daughter) I needed to tell him to find a new place to live. He is a complete narccicist and I believe this all started when we adopted our daughter 5 years ago. He no longer had my complete attention and he couldn’t handle knowing that he was an inadequate father and husband.
I have had suspisions over the years because he travels for his job. This was the final blow for me. I could no longer be blind to his other life. I now had proof and I was finished. I filed a protective order the next day and he filed for divorce 4 days later. It has been hell realizing that he was not the man I thought he was.
I have recently been able to be very honest with myself and admit that I have always been distrustful of him but having been divorced before I didn’t want to go through that again. I now realize that I am so much better off without a man who always puts his desires before anyone elses. I would rather be alone than be lonely in a marriage with a man lacking the emotional connection needed for a healthy marriage.
He now has a different girlfriend that he is involved with who is getting divorced. This situation has led to 3 divorces and 5 children’s lives being shattered. I think he gets a high from breaking up marriages.
He finally did admit that he had been a bad husband and said that he was so sorry for all of this. I was actually very shocked by this admittion of guilt. This of course was all through texting.
I appreciate this forum to be able to read others journeys. Thanks for listening.
Hello M.
I just wanted you to know that I read your story and my heart breaks for you. It’s a terrible and unimaginable betrayal you have experienced, and hard work you have undertaken to be safe, whole and free.
Please know that it is going to get better. You made good decisions and you seemed to understand the depth of narcissism requires a strong response for your own wellbeing as well as your daughters.
I know you will make it. May you find what you need to keep going each day. You are a true heroine in this hideous battle. Well done. One day at a time. One step at a time. You and your daughter are worth it.
I’m 2 and a half years from d-day. Long journey. Getting divorced. Living apart for two years. Tried for a year to work to reconcile. To no avail. A narcissist is a narcissist, and unmedicated by acting out, he is more cruel than before.
lots of light,
Diane.
D,
I so relate to your story, with m h’s use of prostitutes, the clueless therapist, so much of it. I feel your despair, and I am so very sorry. I have felt every emotion in the book, usually many times in one given day. Right now, for me, I’m at the point where I feel my h has a personality disorder. I just feel like I can’t do this anymore. I have 2 kids, both in their teenage years. I’m trying to figure out if I should “hang in there” until they both graduate or not. I’ve been through over two years (thanks to 2 enormous d-days) of roller-coaster emotions, and recovery worries. As another partner pointed out to me, WE put so much mroe work into it than the SA’s do. Anyway, I hope your story has a happier ending. Whatever happens, your timeline is your own. I admire your strength. I know you’ll be ok whatever comes your way.
D. Your last comment has me concerned. I believe you are dealing with someone who has a Cluster B personality disorder (Narcissistic, Borderline, Antisocial or Histrionic) or a combination of all of them. This is what my ex-husband has. The sex addiction (or any addiction) actually happens after the disorder is in place, as a way to numb the pain or escape reality. You are correct, the personality disorder and subsequent addictions are a result of childhood trauma (in his case covert incest; in my ex’s case, parent alienation syndrome or parentification). These men must actually go into such deep therapy to correct the issue that it is almost certain they cannot recover. Most don’t even attempt to seek help or cannot accept that they need it. You are one step ahead of me as my ex is of the later. Please read the article you find here and other articles linked on the site. You need to educate yourself and you will find so many answers here!
You, my dear, are not crazy! Hang in there and be strong!
http://thesexaddictedbrain.typepad.com/my_weblog/narcissistic_personality_disorder/
Hugs
Kari
Kari,
Funny you should bring this up – a friend of mine from COSA also told me that it sounds like my hubby has NPD. He also said that he never felt any shame or guilt after his acting out episodes – he was very good at compartmentalizing.
He is giving up his 12 step program, and refuses to go back to a CSAT as he doesn’t think he has an addiction. He seems to be glued at the hip, though, to his therapist who is a trauma specialist – so maybe she will break something loose. Hope springs eternal.
What I need to do is figure out how long I can be in the “wait and see” mode.
Here’s what one of the CSAT’s had to say last week after his one and only visit (I think he got it “spot on”);
Given the brief history you gave me of prostitution use, multiple affairs (sexual and emotional), and doing this with an understanding of the consequences of the behavior, there are basically two possibilities. Either you are a sex addict or you have a personality disorder that pushes you into a self-centered focus of the world and a dismissal of the experiences of others. (Your behavior does not fit the model of someone looking for an emotional connection that feels like it has been lost from their primary relationship.)
It is not unheard of for individuals to have periods of time where their behavior and even the urges goes dormant for a while. I would not use this – nor the lack of daily struggles – to rule out the possibility of addiction.
If you are unsure – an intensive outpatient program –such as the ones I mentioned in LA – would be a good place to go and explore this.
Hi D.
First, I am so sorry you have had to endure what you’ve been through with the betrayal of your husband and your cancer diagnosis/treatment! I can’t even imagine the strength you must have to be still standing! As I read your post, I did see you standing though, strong and determined to take care of yourself. So I just wanted to jump in and encourage you! I hope you have found some face to face support for yourself! You deserve it.
Barbara,
Thanks so much for your reply. I can’t tell you how much your book helped me – to realize that everything I was feeling was valid and that it was a normal reaction to “snoopervise” to see if another tsunami was heading my direction. As a result of your book, in my COSA meetings during introductions, I now introduce myself as “Hello, I’m D – I’m a wife of a sex addict, trauma survivor and a co-dependent. I see trauma as my primary issue – and then co-dependency (because I didn’t move out of the way once the wave hit). Thankfully I do have a good therapist trained in EMDR, go to 12 step groups, and I’m going to Dr. Minwalla’s Intensive Trauma workshop next week. I’m so looking forward to that as he seems to also “get it”. I know that you two know each other. He promises that I will be very clear on what I need going to feel safe going forward after my week. My husband said to me tonight – “I’ve gone to 12 step meetings, and two CSAT’s (which he says he doesn’t need to go back to) – I’ve done everything you asked….what else can I do?” I answered – all I ask is that you tell the truth….”, which but I know that’s elusive as he doesn’t seem to be able to do that very consistently as his defense system is so strong.
The good thing through all of this is that I’ve learned to love and value myself – which is the greatest gift of all, and despite the pain, I am grateful for that.
Thanks for writing such a insightful and truly healing book. I remember the night of despair when I picked it up and I cried with relief that someone finally understood what it all felt like and gave me some concrete ideas on how to start healing. Thank you so much.
Deb
Hi D,
Hugs! After 22 years, the whole situation must have been a traumatic shock. I’m sorry you and your children have to go through this. It isn’t fair and his behavior just makes things all the more painful. I do have certain words for people like your husband but I’ll just say them to myself.
I can tell you from experience that you’re right, you need the time for yourself apart from the lies and the gaslighting. It won’t be easy with 4 kids but you can do it!! Not sure how old your kids are but maybe they can help out more instead of you doing everything.
What I have found the most frustrating of all is my spouse’s complete and utter refusal to really deal with anything. I tossed him out when he started getting nasty with my son who is in a wheelchair and utterly dependent. The spouse denies everything. He blamed me so much that I started to believe him and other people certainly did. I’m the only one who knows what really happened except for the marriage counselor. Tough to stand up to that but I’m doing it.
I am getting divorced. I am much happier on my own no matter how much work it entails. If you really focus on you, you’ll figure out that much quicker what you really need to do, whatever that looks like. With 4 kids you’re already awesome. Don’t lose sight of that.
Marian,
Thanks so much – you are so right – when I focus on myself, I find serenity and my path becomes clearer. I’m trying to get back to that place now that my husband has decided not to continue his 12 step program and not to go to a CSAT. Thanks for the compliment about the kids – they are 10 year old triplets and a 12 year old. They can be hard work, but at least I have four beautiful children to focus on (after myself, of course).
I’m so sorry that your spouse was nasty to your son – that’s very sad. You know that someone is narcissistic when that happens.
Deb
Hi D,
Thanks for sharing your story. I felt so bad for you – you sound like a caring woman who is dedicated to salvaging her marriage and protecting her children.
Like you I have recently discovered my husband’s sex addiction. Over the course of a few months I learned that, during our 10 years together, he has engaged in inappropriate emailing, intimate discussions, and physical intimacy/sex with no less than 9 women – these are only the ones I know about! The shock, betrayal and grief are almost insurmountable.
D, I am not a therapist, and no one knows your true situation and what is best for you better than you do. But one thing I’ve learned is that this is your husband’s issue, and he needs to take primary responsibility for dealing with it – if he is continuing to lie, downplay/minimize/rationalise his actions, he is not truly doing so – and possibly the best thing for you right now might be some time apart. You need a safe place and time to focus on yourself, your children, and determining what is truly the right course of action for you. I wish you all the very best.
Annabelle
Annabelle,
You are so right – I need time apart so that I can focus on myself (and the kids) without the distraction. I’m hoping that I get more clarity when I go away next week for the 6 day trauma workshop. I’m planning to solidify my list of what I need to feel safe going forward. Seems like I need the time to process the past – like you, I have a big hairball (long history), plus possibly more, to deal with. I’m hoping that a narrative and an understanding of the cause will be revealed. And then there’s the future – and some level of safety that the chances of it happening again are minimized with specific safety valves in place (e.g. accountability, feelings of shame, and a commitment to honesty).
Tonight I cried when I thought about the time when he told me that he hoped that I could someday be more like his last affair partner (when he was in the midst of acting out)….how sad is it that I listened and stayed with someone who could say something so cruel.
Thanks for posting my story….quick update: my husband went to a few 12 step groups, got a sponsor and met with him last week. My husband told me that his sponsor spent several hours with him and told him that since he doesn’t think about sex every day that he isn’t a sex addict. Oh my!! We went to a CSAT – and he told him that he is either a sex addict or has a personality disorder where he can’t understand the consequences of his actions – but he claims that he didn’t get the email that told him this. He also said that he lied on the first SDI (sexual inventory test) and wanted to take it again – but then when he saw another CSAT – he told her that he actually didn’t lie. Pretty crazy, huh? I want to get off the roller coaster and get away from the gaslighting. This is hard stuff – with four kids, it’s difficult to know how to manage this. I’m full of despair.