photographerA year ago I discovered my husband had been operating as a producer, photographer, and performer of an adult pornography internet business. He operated this business in secrecy from me for over the course of 12 years. During this time he contracted with 250 plus Women (Models) ranging in age18-52 (average age of 25, some models are recurring). The models on his website were depicted in erotica scenes of sexual undress, nudity, genital touching, violence, bondage, fetish, intercourse, masturbation assisted and unassisted, and fallatio. My husband appeared in 95% of the movies/clips and some still photographs, participating in a variety of sexual activity with models as described above.

Finding out about his secret was shocking, how could he have kept this secret going for years and I didn’t have a clue or of anything going on.

I internalized blamed myself for being so naïve and beat myself up over “How could I have been so stupid”? Over the past year I’ve learned about sex addiction, how SA are skilled experts at denial who truly believe all their lies. When I confronted my husband it was astonishing how he rationalized his behavior, saying he was running a business and the sex/nudity was just content for the business. In his warped thinking he sincerely believed he was innocent of having committed any wrong-doing.

My husband was so devoted to his fantasy life and self satisfaction he lost sight of reality and respect for anyone including himself. The hunger to self medicate was so powerful he was on a feeding frenzy of constant adoration and admiration his ego desperately sought and couldn’t go without. It’s remarkable how he could compartmentalize living two lives certain the two would never meet, so far away from normal thinking.

The past year has been a nightmare for me, a true test of myself. There are no words to describe the hell and pain. I trusted him so much the betrayal immeasurable. In these past months, through a good sex therapist and women’s group, I’ve come to the realization that the disease is his mistress, and he worked hard to keep her. He gained my trust and affection, coming across as an honest, giving and loving partner to take advantage of me, control me and used my work and hobbies as a distraction.He set up shoots and meets with models in hotel rooms when I wasn’t around. He traveled, I thought for work, attending fetish conventions and meets with models and other people in the profession of pornography. I suffered years of guilt, where he led me to believe that I was the problem to our relationship and intimacy issues. He used my feelings of guilt to manipulate me away from becoming a threat in uncovering his secret life.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I’m devastated to have been taken advantage of and used all these years. Our marriage and the life I believed we were living was unreal, a fraud. I am deeply confused, unable to get my arms around all of it, feeling beat up, used and weakened by the abuse of my husband’s actions and infidelities. If it wasn’t for the fact that he walked away from his website business and for the past year working hard in recovery, outpatient at a sex addiction clinic, attending to SA meetings and seeking spiritual guidance, he would be out of my life.