Well, after having a discussion today with my SA BF, I found out he never ever kept his promise to me. I know he doesn’t see that this THING is hurting me. I decided to trust him, and he continued to lie to me. Sure we had sex, but if this whole thing were only about sex it would be a passing memory. Sure I get mad when he lies to me, who wouldn’t? But to find out that he was using porn to get turned on before having sex with me? That is the ultimate betrayal to my heart. Obviously I will never be good enough, as is, for him. I don’t look at porn or fantasize about other men or women to get turned on enough to have sex with him. I don’t even think about other men or women while having sex with him. And if I were to blame for all of his problems, why in the fuck would he still want me around? If I cause him to do these things, and I force him to masturbate and look at porn, why am I still here? All I am is a security blanket, something to cushion him from his falls. Not something to be appreciated and valued as a woman who loves him. Reading through these e-books I downloaded, suggest that he will never recover. I will have to deal with this issue for the rest of my life, and I don’t think I am up to that challenge. He has to want to change on his own, for his own reasons. No matter what I say or do, I cannot force his hand in this. But I want to make very clear to him that there are consequences for his actions, and that he cannot continue to lie, hide. blame, or deceive me in any manner moving forward. This is so hard, it hurts, my chest hurts, I can’t help but cry. My whole way of life has been based on these lies. He turned my world upside down in a heartbeat, and never once thought of the consequences, to me. I can’t maintain the lie and say that I will be able to handle this for the rest of my life. Like I said before, I don’t think I am strong enough to stand by him while he attempts to recover, if he ever does make the attempt. I don’t think he realizes that it will be work, and he has to be committed to doing it, without half-assed attempts at rationalization or minimizing what he has done. He will never be cured, and it looks unlikely that he will be able to get himself unstuck from this rut without seeing a counselor. I can’t live the rest of my life in a relationship that isn’t based on true feelings of love and compassion. I never thought he was so deep into this whole sexual addiction until I read these books and read a lot of the posts in the forum. If I stay with him, we will never have that ideal level of commitment or intimacy which is what I have longed for my entire life. The sex will be ok, but emotionally I don’t think it will work out, I will still be starved for affection. He cannot cope with his emotions let alone mine, that is why I think it best that I don’t give him another chance to hurt me. I should leave as I threatened to do. But I love him so much! But is it really worth staying in a shattered reality that promises to cut my heart open every single time he opens his mouth to me? He has already bled me dry emotionally, I can attribute the life and soul sucking lie of a relationship to my depression, heck I was even feeling pretty good until the stress of this stupid ass drama caught up again. It will haunt me for the rest of my life, maybe I am better off swearing off men for the rest of my life as well. I can’t make him happy, I can’t fix him, I can’t help him, I can never be enough, or his ideal woman, so why am I even here? Why am I letting him lie and coerce his way back into my life, why am I so damn gullible to fall for his stupid ass lies again, and again, and again? When will it end?

I just love all of your posts because first of all, you articulate so well, the realities of this dysfunction and are also very well-grounded in its realities.

I don’t know if Lynn is still reading and writing on here. Believe it or not, I have for about 21 months now, and Lynn was on at that time and going through hell divorcing one of the most pathetic creatures, I’ve ever read about.

My answer to your question, is:

You don’t know.

One never knows if someone is lying or deceiving them. No matter what boundaries they have placed or monitors, lie detectors…on and on.

If a man wants to cheat… act out, do whatever the hell he wants to do… He will do it. In fact, I have seen for a fact, through my own experience and the writings of other women, that some of the sweetest “kindest” most attentive, loving, giving, honest men are as you said, simply better liars.

As a matter of fact, I have a theory that there is no such thing as recovery for this addiction. I don’t mean a cure. I mean– actual RECOVERY.

Yes, I do believe that there can be “breaks” in the pattern and perhaps an improvement in terms of his understanding, (well, maybe) but for the vast majority. No. Its programmed into their DNA and then reinforced through years of whatever it is that their brains are thinking or were subjected to. Deprogramming a man over the age of about 30, is impossible. (and maybe even younger)

So, what should a woman do? I think if she is very young and there are no children, then its best to go. cut your losses.

If a woman is older and there are children involved, and the relationship is basically okay in most other respects, then its an individual choice. But if one is absolutely driving themselves crazy with whether or not he’s acting out. What is the point?

I think those are the two choices.

I’ve said this before but one of the wisest women I’ve ever met who happens to be a Rabbi, said to me once.

“Lexie, if you can live with him, just as he is now… fine. If not, find a way to get out. He is not going to change.”

The only person who we can change is ourselves. In fact, she and my therapist and even my husband suggested that I date. So, I did… and THAT is when I met my predatory sex addict.

I’ll take my sexual anorexia any day, over that kind of destructive hell that left me with a nasty case of HPV.

So, we have to decide if we can live with a cheater/sex addict or whatever he is. I am still not sure if my husband qualifies for a SA label, and despite my imploring, he has not gone into therapy. (he had about 10 years of therapy when he was young)

If I had the money, I would go. (I do have a business but its up and down and he makes a pittance of what is needed to provide for our family) I hate wondering what he is up to. Who he’s “chatting with” in the middle of the night when he can’t sleep.

I hate that he left his shit on my lap top for me to find. (five years ago)

I hate what happened to me afterward as a result of his philandering. I lost myself. Perhaps I was already lost… but that was it.

He was the LAST man I ever would’ve thought would’ve done something like that.
But, its about his lack of self-esteem and depression. He just wanted to feel like “more of a man” and of course, a “man” can be whoever he wants to be, online– no matter what.

its so tempting for them.

hugs and love,

Lexie

I feel like I need to know the gory truth – is he meeting men in public parks for anonymous sex or whatever – it seems like while finding that out would be incredibly painful, it would also free me from doubting my decision. If I know for certain he is having any kind of physical contact with other people – it’s over for me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life checking up on him and worrying. But I never quite catch him you know?

In the meantime, I’m going to therapy and looking for support on boards like this one and trying to get more engaged in my life, my goals, my friends, etc, so that I am stronger and less dependent on him.

If you wouldn’t mind sharing it, I would like to hear your story.