Comments on: Do You Or Don’t You? http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/do-you-or-dont-you/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:53:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: J. http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/do-you-or-dont-you/#comment-3600 J. Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:03:10 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=976#comment-3600 Here I go-patience and tolerance. After some major drama yesterday when it really hit my husband that I was actually goint to separate/divorce from him...we had a good conversation. He stayed home with our kids last night while I went to my Cosa meeting. He was disclosing feelings to me after I got home in a most honest and refreshing way. It was almost unreconizable to me. I didn't feel manipulated. His 4 hr long walk after this ton of bricks hit him cleared his mind. There was absolutely no attempt to pursuade me of anything. He told me he was being too extreme, was hurt and angry and responded poorly (yes, I know) and could only say he was sorry. We talked about finding our way through this reasonably with our counsellor and his resigning in a responsible way. He said he felt he would like to get into a twelve step group after he resigns and get involved in a new church denomination. (another big struggle for us is we are an hour away from any large community-we go this far for all of our counselling and meetings. This still doesn't change what we are planning to do, but moving into a larger community would make taking these steps easier for each of us. I guess it really hit me driving home then, how much I do love him, and how painful this is going to be but I am trying to use wisdom and not overpowering emotion. It would be lovely if he would get into that group, start his own new life of healing and I would get separate and start to heal... who knows what that time might do. In an ideal world I could have my husband back. But, for now, I feel much peace that something amazing happened yesterday, his reality set in and he might just be ready to face his demons on his own. That is so hard, because when he isn't being crazy, he is fun and engaging and has been my dear friend since I was a teenager. I guess to get anything back I have to be willing to let it all go and that is what I did yesterday. I acted instead of reacting. I put an emergency call into my counsellor because things were getting too intense. I set us on a course to let it all go and let some healing begin. I feel so good today about that-devistated and sad about my impending losses, but good about what might come from it. I will check out the book! Thanks again for "walking me through." Peace... J. Here I go-patience and tolerance. After some major drama yesterday when it really hit my husband that I was actually goint to separate/divorce from him…we had a good conversation. He stayed home with our kids last night while I went to my Cosa meeting. He was disclosing feelings to me after I got home in a most honest and refreshing way. It was almost unreconizable to me. I didn’t feel manipulated. His 4 hr long walk after this ton of bricks hit him cleared his mind. There was absolutely no attempt to pursuade me of anything. He told me he was being too extreme, was hurt and angry and responded poorly (yes, I know) and could only say he was sorry. We talked about finding our way through this reasonably with our counsellor and his resigning in a responsible way. He said he felt he would like to get into a twelve step group after he resigns and get involved in a new church denomination. (another big struggle for us is we are an hour away from any large community-we go this far for all of our counselling and meetings. This still doesn’t change what we are planning to do, but moving into a larger community would make taking these steps easier for each of us. I guess it really hit me driving home then, how much I do love him, and how painful this is going to be but I am trying to use wisdom and not overpowering emotion. It would be lovely if he would get into that group, start his own new life of healing and I would get separate and start to heal… who knows what that time might do. In an ideal world I could have my husband back. But, for now, I feel much peace that something amazing happened yesterday, his reality set in and he might just be ready to face his demons on his own. That is so hard, because when he isn’t being crazy, he is fun and engaging and has been my dear friend since I was a teenager. I guess to get anything back I have to be willing to let it all go and that is what I did yesterday. I acted instead of reacting. I put an emergency call into my counsellor because things were getting too intense. I set us on a course to let it all go and let some healing begin. I feel so good today about that-devistated and sad about my impending losses, but good about what might come from it.
I will check out the book! Thanks again for “walking me through.”

Peace…
J.

]]> By: Lorraine http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/do-you-or-dont-you/#comment-3583 Lorraine Tue, 06 Apr 2010 20:17:34 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=976#comment-3583 http://www.womansdivorce.com/index.html Hi J, I put this at the top, because this is a great web site for anyone who is considering separation or divorce. There is just about everything on there and also a lot of references. This is just to give you support and advice so that things don't get even worse! You need to protect yourself and your children and you do have rights. If your husband walks out on you, that is considered abandonment and would be a most unwise move on his part. You need a lawyer and/or a mediator, as well. Now, one thing does concern me. I do not like his talk about quitting his job (even if it is at a church--OYE!!!) and "one last party" for your son. This sounds like the talk of someone who is planning to kill himself. If he threatens this or even hints at it, it is cause for concern. Not to alarm you, or cause any further worry. He needs to understand,however, that this simply is not an option and if necessary, you will have him committed to a mental facility for treatment. That is where suicidal people need to be. Yes, he does have due cause for considerable distress, depression and more and he needs to treat this, but again... he may become like the "drowning victim"... and will do or say anything to preserve the "status quo"... However, death threats are not acceptable, and must never be taken lightly! You are going to have to learn little by little to set the boundaries/consequences, since he is too weak to do that for himself. Divorce is not a death of a person, just of a marriage. Life will go on and he sure better be a part of his boy's lives!!! There will be zillions of parties, birthdays, holidays, graduations, marriages and so forth and he is expected to be there---and with bells on! You can even be friends with your ex husband. (presuming that this is where you are heading) You can go out to dinner or to a movie with your ex and your kids. You can support him, from afar as well, in any way you choose. You can go to 12-step meetings with him. Why not? Or you can choose to not do any of those things or just some of them. There is a good book, called "The Good Divorce" by Constance Ahrons. Again, it doesn't have to be all black and white. Happy cozy little dysfunctional family OR nothing at all. Thank you for your well wishes and I do not need or wish for anything in return; yes, its all a process and baby steps for all of us, I guess. I just ran into a newish neighbor. One year ago, her very affluent husband, got a gun and killed himself and if that wasn't enough misery for her.. she had one back surgery before he died and has had to have THREE more in the past year,(she showed me her scar which runs the entire length of her spine!) including bone grafts and more agonizing pain and suffering than one can imagine, along with the grief of her unthinkable loss. Seeing her limping into her home, made me really appreciate all that I DO have! Life is very precious. I guess it seems like most of us are continuously "recovering" from something or other. But change is a part of life--it is necessary and it is a good thing. Try not to see yourself as "sick and damaged"... You are just in a lot of pain, right now... Anyone in your place would be. And there is a lot of grief too. That is completely normal. Allow your sadness to be, but don't wallow in it. Get out with your friends and have fun. And I mean fun! Make your own plans and tell your husband that HE has to "stay at home" and take care of your babies. And do this frequently!!! Continue to ask for strength and wisdom and it will come. xo, L http://www.womansdivorce.com/index.html

Hi J,

I put this at the top, because this is a great web site for anyone who is considering separation or divorce. There is just about everything on there and also a lot of references. This is just to give you support and advice so that things don’t get even worse! You need to protect yourself and your children and you do have rights. If your husband walks out on you, that is considered abandonment and would be a most unwise move on his part.

You need a lawyer and/or a mediator, as well.

Now, one thing does concern me. I do not like his talk about quitting his job (even if it is at a church–OYE!!!) and “one last party” for your son. This sounds like the talk of someone who is planning to kill himself. If he threatens this or even hints at it, it is cause for concern. Not to alarm you, or cause any further worry. He needs to understand,however, that this simply is not an option and if necessary, you will have him committed to a mental facility for treatment. That is where suicidal people need to be. Yes, he does have due cause for considerable distress, depression and more and he needs to treat this, but again… he may become like the “drowning victim”… and will do or say anything to preserve the “status quo”… However, death threats are not acceptable, and must never be taken lightly!

You are going to have to learn little by little to set the boundaries/consequences, since he is too weak to do that for himself.

Divorce is not a death of a person, just of a marriage. Life will go on and he sure better be a part of his boy’s lives!!! There will be zillions of parties, birthdays, holidays, graduations, marriages and so forth and he is expected to be there—and with bells on! You can even be friends with your ex husband. (presuming that this is where you are heading) You can go out to dinner or to a movie with your ex and your kids. You can support him, from afar as well, in any way you choose. You can go to 12-step meetings with him. Why not? Or you can choose to not do any of those things or just some of them.

There is a good book, called “The Good Divorce” by Constance Ahrons.

Again, it doesn’t have to be all black and white. Happy cozy little dysfunctional family OR nothing at all.

Thank you for your well wishes and I do not need or wish for anything in return; yes, its all a process and baby steps for all of us, I guess.

I just ran into a newish neighbor. One year ago, her very affluent husband, got a gun and killed himself and if that wasn’t enough misery for her.. she had one back surgery before he died and has had to have THREE more in the past year,(she showed me her scar which runs the entire length of her spine!) including bone grafts and more agonizing pain and suffering than one can imagine, along with the grief of her unthinkable loss. Seeing her limping into her home, made me really appreciate all that I DO have! Life is very precious.

I guess it seems like most of us are continuously “recovering” from something or other. But change is a part of life–it is necessary and it is a good thing.

Try not to see yourself as “sick and damaged”… You are just in a lot of pain, right now… Anyone in your place would be. And there is a lot of grief too. That is completely normal. Allow your sadness to be, but don’t wallow in it. Get out with your friends and have fun. And I mean fun! Make your own plans and tell your husband that HE has to “stay at home” and take care of your babies. And do this frequently!!! Continue to ask for strength and wisdom and it will come.

xo,

L

]]> By: J. http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/do-you-or-dont-you/#comment-3576 J. Tue, 06 Apr 2010 15:49:37 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=976#comment-3576 Hi Lorraine-I will not be able to get onto chat again until tomorrow. I do go to a COSA meeting. It is just me and another lady who need to talk so that really helps me and that is tonight. My husband is actually in church work (I know, I know) and he knows he is not fit and needs to resign so he told me he was going to do that at the end of May. He seemed oddly calm this morning when he told me that. I hope this means he got over his initial anger and is starting to accept the reality of our situation. I want to be here in early May because it is our son's birthday and he really wants a party-one last thing for him. Husband knows I am "deciding" what I will do. My current plan is to go to my parents after that and finish a degree online relatively quickly. I already know I can go there and that will not be destructive...plus my Dad will be great for my boys. I wanted to give it a year but I can't. I just feel so sick. After yesterday, and all he said, even though he is hurting I feel like I took a gunshot to the stomach. Now, for the painful task of separting money, etc. (which unfortunatley is mostly tied up in the house and we will loose)...cars, etc. He may just walk out and I will have to deal with all of this-not sure how to do so when there are two signatures on everything. I already started my own bank account a couple of months ago and have been slowly stashing money in it-not a lot but this gives me some sense of control over this vortex. Also, I have been separating our things out into separate containers, which he hasn't noticed to my knowledge. So, I am saying, I have been trying to prepare myself for this in little ways. I am trying to be patient, and will talk to my parents next week. We have a big family trip planned this Summer with them anyway, so that will probably be a great time for me to get away with the kids and them and clear my mind and formalize my plan. I am so grateful to you for listening to me and for giving it to me straight. I was an honor student, a college grad and have had a great job in the past in the past and now with the bad economy, my distorted thought process and depression I feel so pathetic. I will find a way through though. I don't want to be a negative person!!! I wish I could offer you some comfort too, in gratutude for your encouragement, but it sounds like you are deep into your own recovery and in a much improved time of life. I am happy for you and I look forward to the day when I can look back and not feel like I am sick and damaged. Thanks again. Hi Lorraine-I will not be able to get onto chat again until tomorrow. I do go to a COSA meeting. It is just me and another lady who need to talk so that really helps me and that is tonight.
My husband is actually in church work (I know, I know) and he knows he is not fit and needs to resign so he told me he was going to do that at the end of May. He seemed oddly calm this morning when he told me that. I hope this means he got over his initial anger and is starting to accept the reality of our situation. I want to be here in early May because it is our son’s birthday and he really wants a party-one last thing for him. Husband knows I am “deciding” what I will do. My current plan is to go to my parents after that and finish a degree online relatively quickly. I already know I can go there and that will not be destructive…plus my Dad will be great for my boys. I wanted to give it a year but I can’t. I just feel so sick. After yesterday, and all he said, even though he is hurting I feel like I took a gunshot to the stomach.
Now, for the painful task of separting money, etc. (which unfortunatley is mostly tied up in the house and we will loose)…cars, etc. He may just walk out and I will have to deal with all of this-not sure how to do so when there are two signatures on everything. I already started my own bank account a couple of months ago and have been slowly stashing money in it-not a lot but this gives me some sense of control over this vortex. Also, I have been separating our things out into separate containers, which he hasn’t noticed to my knowledge. So, I am saying, I have been trying to prepare myself for this in little ways. I am trying to be patient, and will talk to my parents next week. We have a big family trip planned this Summer with them anyway, so that will probably be a great time for me to get away with the kids and them and clear my mind and formalize my plan.
I am so grateful to you for listening to me and for giving it to me straight. I was an honor student, a college grad and have had a great job in the past in the past and now with the bad economy, my distorted thought process and depression I feel so pathetic. I will find a way through though. I don’t want to be a negative person!!!
I wish I could offer you some comfort too, in gratutude for your encouragement, but it sounds like you are deep into your own recovery and in a much improved time of life. I am happy for you and I look forward to the day when I can look back and not feel like I am sick and damaged.

Thanks again.

]]> By: Lorraine http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/do-you-or-dont-you/#comment-3555 Lorraine Tue, 06 Apr 2010 02:27:28 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=976#comment-3555 Look, J... sweetie..There is no shame in leaving (if you choose to) and there is also nothing wrong with still having hope that he recovers--no matter what YOU decide is best for YOU. As a matter of fact, as I stated before, I truly believe that his ONLY hope for recovery is if you DO leave. Obviously, marriage for him... (with anyone, not just you) is a way for him to maintain some kind of semblance of "normalcy." And behind this mask of the "perfect little family", he is able to maintain his sickness. That is what my lover did. Remove the mask... and he will be forced to face his demons. If he wants nothing to do with his kids... Then you know what??? That is not a man at all...That is an invertebrate of the lowest order. He is manipulating you left and right and you are also manipulating yourself regarding the kids. There are books and resources available on how to divorce with kids and they will be fine. Half of my older son's parents are divorced and those are the best adjusted of the bunch. Gosh, his best friend had a completely absent father. Lovely young man now... Almost 21... His mom finally got married at the age of 42 a few years ago and is very happy now. I am still reeling from the shrink saying that he's not ready for the 12 step program. Look, no change like this can happen over night, in any case. You need a lot of guidance through a counselor and other resources. You need to make a plan regarding your future. Perhaps you need to visit a career counselor to see what your options are. But, the most difficult part is going to be to stop listening to his manipulative crap. He is a drowning victim and he will take you down with him, if you allow it. You may have to do a little maneuver we learned in a life guarding class. When the drowning victim tries to hang on by holding you under, so that they can stay afloat--- you have to take control by actually taking the drowning victim even further down into the water... That is the last place they want to go... and soon, they will let go and you can escape. I will check back as often as i can. xo, L Look, J… sweetie..There is no shame in leaving (if you choose to) and there is also nothing wrong with still having hope that he recovers–no matter what YOU decide is best for YOU. As a matter of fact, as I stated before, I truly believe that his ONLY hope for recovery is if you DO leave. Obviously, marriage for him… (with anyone, not just you) is a way for him to maintain some kind of semblance of “normalcy.” And behind this mask of the “perfect little family”, he is able to maintain his sickness. That is what my lover did. Remove the mask… and he will be forced to face his demons.

If he wants nothing to do with his kids… Then you know what??? That is not a man at all…That is an invertebrate of the lowest order. He is manipulating you left and right and you are also manipulating yourself regarding the kids. There are books and resources available on how to divorce with kids and they will be fine. Half of my older son’s parents are divorced and those are the best adjusted of the bunch. Gosh, his best friend had a completely absent father. Lovely young man now… Almost 21… His mom finally got married at the age of 42 a few years ago and is very happy now.

I am still reeling from the shrink saying that he’s not ready for the 12 step program.

Look, no change like this can happen over night, in any case. You need a lot of guidance through a counselor and other resources. You need to make a plan regarding your future. Perhaps you need to visit a career counselor to see what your options are.

But, the most difficult part is going to be to stop listening to his manipulative crap. He is a drowning victim and he will take you down with him, if you allow it. You may have to do a little maneuver we learned in a life guarding class. When the drowning victim tries to hang on by holding you under, so that they can stay afloat— you have to take control by actually taking the drowning victim even further down into the water… That is the last place they want to go… and soon, they will let go and you can escape.

I will check back as often as i can.

xo,

L

]]> By: Lorraine http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/do-you-or-dont-you/#comment-3554 Lorraine Tue, 06 Apr 2010 01:51:07 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=976#comment-3554 he isn't ready for a 12 step program?????????? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...WHAT??????? What does it take for him to be READY??? down, down the rabbit hole we go........ Is he screwing the therapist too? believe it or not... it has happened. if he goes he wants to stay out of all of your lives??? wow. I feel sick... i can't even begin to imagine how you feel. he isn’t ready for a 12 step program??????????

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…WHAT??????? What does it take for him to be READY??? down, down the rabbit hole we go…….. Is he screwing the therapist too? believe it or not… it has happened.

if he goes he wants to stay out of all of your lives???

wow. I feel sick… i can’t even begin to imagine how you feel.

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