I was so glad to see you back on this site. I have often wondered what was happening in your hard journey. I did not find this site until after I had experience multiple bouts of post traumatic stress. The trauma of the exposure, the claim that he “would change it if he could”, when I now believe he never intended to stop (told me he was not active), letting me believe he was working on it, spent 4 months telling me details of all his activities, I had no idea his past contained the amount of activity and that it was all throughout my entire marriage. If I had any idea that his story was what it was I never would have allowed him to tell me details (the damage that information caused me and how it traumatized me). I had wanted to give him an environment that he didn’t have to “pretty up” his story and was willing to listen to the hard truth so he could truly heal (I wasn’t trying to be his therapist) but felt as his partner, he would feel safe and a therapist could help him understand his truths. Then he (his company) moved all the most valued worldly possessions to what I thought would be our new home and he called me and told me he filed for divorce. I did realize that those possessions took on more importance mostly because everything I held sacred, valued morally and ethically had been trampled on – the ‘possessions’ represented a sense of safety and I have memory attachments to some of the things (prior to him, that didn’t have this stigma attached to it).

I recently have been able to read Barbara Steffens /Marsh Means book, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” and it has helped tremendously. If you can listen to the interviews that JoAnn has provided us with Barbara Steffens it will help you. I think that JoAnn’s ebook, “Finances: Take Control of Your Future By Taking Control of Your Finances”, will be key in helping you get things in place and then you will be able to make the choices you want.

Diane’s post on “J Shares Her Story of Marriage with a Sex Addict”, she shared how she took incremental steps to get where she needed to be to feel safe. It is sad but sometimes we can’t just walk away as fast as we would like. I am sure if you or your daughter were in ‘danger’ you would do it immediately, but traumatizing your child by living in shelters and destitute with limited choices would not serve you or your daughter (additional trauma) either.

You do have strength, I remember when reading your original post, when you said that he wanted to know what your “tolerance” level was, and your response was immediate. I often think back and am so grateful that I had the self awareness that I was not going to compromise myself, beliefs or do anything to degrade myself. How much more destructive would that have been?

Appreciate the little victories, you have experience a deep wound and are and will be reeling from it for a while. Be diligent in taking the steps you need to do, a lot of things are out-of-our-control for a time. Eventually we will get our lives back, there will be sorrows, grief, hurt, despair, disappointment, some things you will get closure on, some you will not. Understanding the elements of SA‘s behaviors and the destruction it causes partners will be beyond understanding.

We will emerge a different person, tempered by this tragic experience. I have to believe that we are not necessarily “better for it”, this is not something that I thinks makes us better, but that our self love and convictions will be burned into our beings.

For me, the passive/aggressive environment resulted in me 2nd guessing myself. In actuality my inklings and perceptions were on target, but I didn’t know how to interpret the things around me and began doubting my perceptions. I remember a saying that attracted me; it said “Let Your Voice Be Heard, Even If It Is Shaking”. That resonated with me because I so often felt the shaking when I tried to understand and decipher what I was observing (emotional disconnects) and didn’t understand. That now has a voice!

How could any of us ever guess the deceit, lies, manipulations and betrayals that were taking place in our lives? I think for the most part it is because we do not operate the same ways the SA does. So how could we suspect such sinister motives and behaviors, where would we pull our understanding from?

For the 1st time recently I was able to talk face-to-face with someone that experienced similar parts of my story. It was nice to be able to say things and know that she knew where it was coming from, instead of people who will listen but really couldn’t relate or fathom the situation. This is what this site does. I was at a very low point when I came here and what a difference it has made!

As you move forward, don’t second guess the decisions you make for immediate safety and sanity. If you need to make new ones, you can do that too. Sometimes we are afraid to make any mistake at all, and get stuck doing nothing.

But in addition, I hope you will seek a supportive counsellor for yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now, and sometimes we push ourselves too far. You’ve been through so much trauma and worry, and because your daughter is still young–you don’t have a lot of time to worry about yourself.

There is hope, Pam. Hope for a life in which you are and your daughter are honoured with respect, honesty, love, and loyalty. There is hope for your SA husband to recover his own life, but that hope is out of your hands. He alone can pursue it.

One step at a time. Things can change for you , and change for the better.

lots of light
Diane.

It has been 2 mos since my last posting. It was good to read my original post, so determined for divorce. While I have not filed yet, I am making plans. I have informed my family. I am perhaps fortunate in the sense, he came out and told me himself and was not caught. He said he told me because that is the only way to recover to admit his evil deeds. However, I do not think he is repentant, for lack of a better word. I can see even though we are putting controls in place monetarily and he is seeking a therapist, there is so little hope on this thing. So few recover. I think SA’s are such master’s at deception, I would be willing to be that many spouses who have gone to counseling, and put controls in place, that the addict has found a way around the controls when he wants to, at least once. It seems so jaded to say that, but it is what I think. Pray for me all, that I will get the strength to leave. It needs to be done, judiciously and speedily. I don’t know where to start.

I know you feel alone right now. But I promise you aren’t. This is such a selfish addiction that even when it comes to therapy and support systems the spouse often gets ignored and the addict is the only one that people are concerned about. I will pray for you and your child. Know that the best support is right by your side-GOD. He is the only one that can free your heart from this pain. We will never know the extent of our husband’s choices nor should we…we do not deserve that evil to brush our souls or taint our thoughts. You deserve counseling too, their choices leave us broken also. Pray to God to help you recognize and accept the support and guidance through this time. He will answer your prayers and rebuild your heart. Just as your response came to me on a day that has been quite a struggle it has lifted my heart. I appreciate you sharing and will pray for you. My mom guided me to look up a verse that has given me great strength over the past few days…Psalms 34 17-18.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

When you start to feel hopeless…CRY OUT to the Lord! You are the righteous one Rebecca! He will listen and mend your spirit.

I feel all your pains and struggles. We are newly weds. Married only a year and a half. I discovered my husband had another women during my honemoon. I was devastated beyond words. We went to counseling believing it was a one time ex-girlfriend situation. when I was 3 months pregnant I found out that he was cheating on me because he gave me an STD, by the grace of God it was curable. That opened my eyes…he even tried to denay that. his comment was, what do you want me to do about it. I started going through his stuff come to find out there were lots and lots of women.I found out he was addicted and also into transexual shemales. I had never ever heard of what shemales were until i googled it. it tore me apart. i found out he was with a shemale prostitute when i went to my baby shower. that explained why our sex life didn’t exist. It was a miracle that i got pregnant. getting ready to leave with the baby. i am praying. I am loosing hope. He’s in counseling but I haven’t seen one successful story blog that has happy endings. I too believe this is a double betrayal. i have hope in the lord and I know he will get me through this. I want my husband to be cured from this evil illness. this is pure sickness and horrifying disease that breaks families apart. years and years of betrayals.