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My Husband Admitted To Seeing Prostitutes, My So Called Life’s Story

“Hi JoAnn,

I wrote you a few weeks ago, and have attached the email below. Can you post for me or let me know how. Turns out it is worse, so far admission of seeing to prostitutes, swears hand job only but he also swore he never met up with anyone.

I’m really tired of all of this! And happy to have the site for support
Thanks so much,
MySoCalledLife

sex My Husband Admitted To Seeing Prostitutes, My So Called Lifes StoryHi Joann
It was a breath of fresh air to find your site, and read through so many stories I could relate to. I was recently blindsided by my husbands sex addiction, am about 3 weeks post confrontation……….

For background, I am a recovering alcoholic, have been sober almost 2 years. To say I was a good wife prior to my sobriety would be a lie, I was not in so many ways.

My husband and I had much more of a parent child relationship for many years, it certainly was not a healthy relationship. I married my husband because I thought he was safe. I knew he loved me more than I loved him, and knew he would never leave me. Apparently this is common for those of us with daddy abandonment issues and a history of sexual abuse.

Because I needed to feel in control of the relationship to feel safe, it did not allow for my husband to grow and didn’t allow me to have respect for him. We have never had a healthy sex life, until my sobriety.

Fast forward to 2 years ago, I stopped drinking, began therapy, became more in touch with me and living my life in the present and commenced on a road of gratitude and appreciation for the blessings in my life. I tried extremely hard to right so many wrongs I’d been responsible for in my relationship with my husband.

The first year of my recovery did not see many changes in our relationship as I suspect he did not think the changes in me would stick but the last year had been good, and I believed we had a good shot of making a happy life together.

And then he did two things that sent red flags up for me.
1.) he opened the phone bill and gave me the summary page only, i.e. no phone detail red flag raised, but moved on with my day
2.) he stopped the mail when we went on an annual beach vacation, pro-activity not his strong suit.

So when the following month’s phone bill came and he again pulled the detail, I put on my private investigators hat and began digging.

I pulled cell phone bills for the prior year and found a large amount of phone calls to 1.800 sex/chat lines. The disturbing parts were the amount of time spent on the calls, and the fact that they went to local call lines. i.e. meet singles in your area.

I then found web history of looking at ads on craigs list as well as various phone calls and text to random cell numbers.

When I confronted my husband I did so with love for him as I understand addiction and did not want to make him feel ashamed or judged. He was shocked that I had found him out, but offered only a little remorse.

I believe he did so because he did not realize I had the phone records for the year because I did not go into a lot of detail about what I found.

It took a couple days for him to realize I was very serious about my discoveries, and he has since been extremely remorseful, has gone to see a sex therapist and is going to his first 12 step meeting tomorrow night.

He is doing and saying all the right things with respect to his recovery, but I do not trust him. Something in my gut is telling me it is worse than what he has admitted to so far.

He swears he has not slept with anyone else, but who looks up craigslist ads without acting on them. As far as I can tell craigslist is not a chat site, it is for random and anonymous hook ups. And I go from feeling sorry for him, and wanting to help, to not being able to stand being anywhere near him, angry and then to feeling completely numb.

I feel isolated because I don’t have anyone to talk to about all of this. I still see my therapist, but need to talk to women who have been through this and find out how they cope.

With my past sexual abuse, and his sex addiction (i’ve always known he masturbates a lot) our sex life has never been healthy, and with the baggage of that, my drinking and the new revelations I don’t think I have the energy, the want, the desire to try and work this out.

Is this a normal reaction????? I have no idea…..feel very lost, and hopeless at times.

The hardest part for me is giving up on the fantasy life I thought we had, all the while knowing deep down we didn’t. Maybe we will end up stronger with better communication, a deeper relationship, but after reading your site and others, it seems recovery is not very prevalent, and I truly don’t know if I can get past this. I’d rather he be addicted to anything other than sex, I think I could get past anything else.

Anyway, any insight, opinions or direction you could give would be very much appreciated!

26 comments to My Husband Admitted To Seeing Prostitutes, My So Called Life’s Story

  • onlyonescorp

    I know exactly how you feel. I was/am married for almost 4 years with one beautiful daughter who is 1.5 years old. I hate this man for living this double life. And for a long time, I blamed myself, but I’ve come to discover, an addict is an addict. There is nothing you can do. If they are willing to get help, which is the case for my husband, the marriage falls apart. We are currently going through a divorce, and at first I didn’t want it, but now, I think it’s probably the best thing. I can no longer trust this person I thought I knew. The very person I shared a bed with was living a secret life. He was living the secret life while I got pregnant. That was very hard for me. But I will not give up my daughter. She deserves better male role models in her life, like my dad for example. It’s tough, I won’t say it’s easy.

  • onlyonescorp

    I meant, if they are NOT willing to get help, there is nothing you can do. They will never change. My husband even tried to negotiate with me to keep some of his “sex” sites. I will never compromise my morals or standards, even if it means getting a divorce.

    • patriatri2

      Onlyonescorp,

      Interesting you felt the need to make the correction…I too have been married 4 years (together 6+) and have a 3 year old daughter and a soon-to-be 1 year old daughter…My husband WAS willing to get help…BUT that was just part of the MASTERY of his FACADE…he is GREAT at putting on facades…He started seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in sex addiction shortly after my discoveries and after I kicked him out of the house (but willing to wait 1 year to file for divorce)…but he STILL pursued women, even joined match.com!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6 Months later, I am finally clear. He is not a sane person. He just isn’t. And even if I am ALONE for the rest of my life (well, not really alone because I have my beautiful girls) it will be better than being with this sick man who just is INCAPABLE of seeing my worth, incapable of honesty, incapable of (taking true) accountability, incapable of having compassion…It’s sad I wasted 6 years and that I convinced myself so long that things were better than they were, not seeing the red flags, etc. But I am just confronting fear and reaffirming my faith in the Universe/God that me and my girls will be okay.

      All that to say…whether they are willing to get the help or not…may not really matter…especially since so many of them are so insincere about that help…it’s just part of their web of lies and their need to save face…

      Best of luck to you. I love hearing that you are choosing this path…I love that I found this site!!!…

      Hug to you,
      Patriatri2

      • NH

        Patriatri2-
        I am so blessed to have found this site. As I type this right now your story is VERY similar to mine, except that we do not have children (thank God) but were in the process of “planning for them.”Without trying to sound “negative” to others that are taking this “walk” with their husbands or significant others, I can honestly say that like you, Patriatri2, even when they “commit” to getting help things may not be what they seem. I have been married for 4 years. A year after our 1 year anniversary, I discovered that my husband had been soliciting for hookers on Craigslist. I was shattered, broken, embarrassed and was completely alone. I did not leave the marriage as he agreed he would get “help.” 6 months later I discovered that he had been with 2 (he claims it was 2 but who really knows) prostitutes. I stayed, hoping that he would get help. Well, 3 weeks ago I discovered that he had been with 3 additional prostitutes and binging on porn and masterbating daily (after finding an I pad that I thought was hidden) for the last 6 months (maybe longer). This was of course was going on WHILE he was in counseling, mens meetings, and practicing “transparancy.” After this, I have swallowed a hard pill that he is a junkie. A junkie will lie, manipulate and do ANYTHING for their addiction. While I do believe that some men can recover from this, it can only come if THEY truly WANT the HELP. I will pray for each of you on this site. At the current time I have moved out of the house and am seeking my own recovery for in order to gain better control over my roller-coaster emotions and am in contact with a divorce attorney. God bless each of you out here-stay strong and remember the only person that we can control is ourselves-not the addict.

  • Ann

    I suppose if I were in your shoes I would have to ask a couple of questions. First, how long has it been going on? If it’s a short time then it is possible he was just toying with the craigslist ads just seeing what was out there and available. It is possible he went for only massages and hand jobs (not penetration). If it’s been going on for a while? Sorry to say that anything goes. These guys when they first get started walk a tight rope of right and wrong. They push it little by little until they are so deep they’re lost and they all but give up trying to do right.

    The next question I’d ask is Is he willing to get help? Agreeing to see a counselor or going to SA is only a baby step. Is he willing to offer full transparency in the marriage? Is he willing to tell you where he is, check in, show you all the bills, set up joint money and phone accounts? You get honesty from him or you get out. And don’t believe a word of his remorse or apologies. That means nothing coming from an addict (you should know that).

    Finally… you are in for a long haul. This isn’t like alcoholism where you just decide one day to stop and be sober. I haven’t met a sex addict yet that could pull that off. Maybe you don’t have the strength for that road. You’ll need to figure that out for yourself – but it’s not going to be an easy ride. (this coming from someone who has chosen to go along for the ride)

  • karebear

    Ann…your response is concerning and I hope “My so called life story” will realize these few things. Regardless of how long this has been going on, there is NO justification for looking on Craigslist, or getting “just” a hand jobs and not penetration. Everything Ann says makes it seem like these things are ok. They ARE NOT. Any looking, on any site, any kind of sexual encounter outside of marriage is NOT OK. Please understand that you are in now way expected to accept it in any way and it is perfectly fine for you to feel like boundaries have been crossed because they have! Regardless of how long it has been going on or if your husband is willing to admit and work on it or not. You are in control here and need to do what you need to do. ALWAYS follow your gut and you said your gut tells you there is more. LISTEN TO IT!
    Good luck my friend!

  • Lorraine (now Lexie)

    Ann,

    I agree with Karebear and I hope that you won’t take any offense, but its been my experience that there is NO only and that any kind of acting out is unacceptable (and always leads to more and more, the same as an alcoholic having ANY alcohol, whatsoever) and probably NOT THE TRUTH— If you “ask” him.

    For me, that is the problem. Where do the lies begin and where do they end? Who knows?

    My husband “swore” that it was “just” cyber sex… and then years later, it was “just” one woman– “one” time– then months later…no it was two times… (two hundred times?)

    Then it wasn’t JUST one, it was two different women and on and on… and then it comes out that it wasn’t JUST chats, it was web cam, and phone sex and tryst in the only hotel in our area.

    But NOW, he is “tired” of the “double life”

    NOW, that I’ve said— I’m done and he sees the incredible amount of devastation as we have been together for 25 years and have two children, 21 and 16.

    I know its an individual choice whether to stay or go. But first, I believe that its tantamount that partners understand the REAL DEAL. They most likely don’t really know their partner. not really.

    Or at least, his evil twin, that was lurking inside, waiting for just the right time to emerge.

    :(

  • I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But it sounds like he needs a second chance for more than one offense and if you don’t feel like you can trust him anymore than it just isn’t worth putting yourself through that. Remember this is your life too and you need to live it to the fullest for yourself not for someone else. You can ask anyone else for help but it is truly what is in your heart that matters.

  • lostandfound

    I too have just discovered that my husband (since July 4 2010) has been seeing escorts. I think one eye-opener for me was that he was seeing them when we were having sex at least every other day…so I know that it doesn’t matter how much I offered myself to him…It would never be enough. I asked him to move out on Nov 1 and I just received the last access I’ll have to his phone records and see that he called 2 escorts on Nov 11. He’s living back at home with his parents…hanging out living his fantasy life of fantasy football, video games, and fantasy women. I’m left with figuring out this mess. I’ve pretty much lost any hope that he’s interested in changing…I’ve realized I need to let that go. However, I still feel conflicted about the commitment I made to be there for better or worse and until death. I know I can’t be with him…but I’m really struggling with the “divorce” decision. I’m also struggling with what to tell people and his parents…he told them he was unfaithful but in my opinion that only scratches the surface of what is really going on. I feel like I’m still protecting him by pretending that we’re still married and yet I’m not sure how much is appropriate to tell people…while also feeling that infidelity isn’t why I’m leaving him. What kills me also is that we were good friends for 2.5 years before we ever started dating…I just can’t believe I didn’t know about any of this…

    • Betrayed

      To Lost and Found Lorraine and others

      I am crying reading your messages. I received a text not meant for me back on 5 August 2011 and got the same lies. But it was for someone I had discovered about in 2006 but he swore on holy book that it was just web sex and he had never slept with anyone else. Then in 2011 he admitted it was once with her, etc and slowly over then next 6-12 months after he had left to live with his mum (I told him to leave on 6 Aug 2011) it came out that he was having an affair with this woman – a prostitute (reformed apparently) that he had been sleeping with since 2005 on and off and made into a full blown affair from March 2011 (which is a lie and seems to be from 2010). SHe has been in hard core porn movies, he has been paying her £000s of pounds over the years. I got into his phone and found texts and dirty photos. He bought her a car, computer, furniture, etc etc. She was living with a guy and had 2 illegitimate children from 2 different other men (one when she was 15), drinks, has taken drugs, and he is telling her how he wishes she was his wife and meeting her and texting her 24/7, even while sitting with us and while in theatre with me 1 week after my op, etc etc. All while I didnt know why we were always overdrawn.

      She was not the only prostitute he had had an affair with. And there has been porn and prostitutes for years and it seems for most of our 21 year marriage. And has spent £000s on his habits. We have three chidren and although I have a decree nisi I haven’t got the decree absolute and I still see him often due to the children and money etc. We live in overdraft. He is I believe still watching porn and paying for prostitutes but always denies it.

      People generally do not know we are separated though it is nigh on 2 years and I am still confused. I am stuck in this rut of fear of the future and still wondering if it is better to be with the devil than the deep blue sea. It all hurts so much and all those lies and deceit. And I had wanted a full marriage but he always avoided it with me and to find out now that he was getting his kicks while just neglecting me knowing that my morals would never let me have an affair really makes me angry and resentful and in my late 40s now I feel my time has gone and I will never get that back again.

      I wish I could get my life sorted but am too scared to take action and when I don’t find out for sure what he is doing I tend to believe his lies that maybe he has stopped even though my head tells me that it not the case. I find it hard that he comes here and is in the house etc but I want my kids, the younger two miss him alot, to be okay, and part of me wants him here and looks out for messages from him. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just know I don’t want to be with him ever and move on and not care if he is with someone else. Why does it still bother me so much after so long? I know it doesn’t help that I have never been with another man.

      • hazel

        Betrayed, this sounds like i wrote this. i am ending my 40′s never been with any other man. have 4 lovely kids, 27,23,20 and 8. i wonder too if there is something wrong with me. how come i cant make up my mind and just leave him? he takes advantage knowing i am a Christian and m so principled i wont have an affair. he is hardly home with me. goes out at night with other women yet he says with boys but i always find out it is with women, different women. a kid once came up a few years ago, scary as it means unprotected sex.. he is known for bragging in the bar saying he wont eat a sweeet wrapped in a plastic paper, what is the point of eating it.. its like i make him do this, he seems to find comfort in prostitutes as long as he knows i will stay and when i sleep with him it kind of fuels his excapades.. what kind of an animal is this, will someone tell me!!!!

    • hazel

      hey, this is exactly how i feel. but hey, i have been married to this guy for 28 years having dated for two. that makes it almost 30 years i have been his “play” partner because he has had other women for as long as i have known. this past month he has dated over 5 new women and slept with them. he has dibetas 2 so an erection is a problem at times yet i bear with him but i do not understand how then he goes to have so many prostitutes. he is not going to change and i doubt he has the strength to change. i think the best is to be honest to all around, if you wish to tell them, or you just move on quietly. i think better to divorce these people, as i feel we deserve better. how can he love you when his mind is always on other women? he needs a mother to care for him, to cry on shoulder when the prostitutes are not available you fill in the gap every othe day. he has antisocial personality disorder, will never be satisfied with one relationship

  • Lorraine (now Lexie)

    Lostandfound,

    None of us knew and we all kick ourselves for not “seeing” it. We know that things aren’t right, but we don’t know the cause. And I, of all people, should’ve known, because I knew part of what had happened five years ago, and blah…

    Some call it trust. :(

    sucks, doesn’t it?

    As for “better or worse;” honey— I get that. I really do. However, it takes TWO people to make a marriage and apparently, there’s only one here. So, in that case, the contract is null and void. His ENTIRE life is one big fantasy!

    Go in peace. You did nothing wrong. You were a good and loving wife and he is an immature asshole, incapable of truly loving and committing to ANYONE.

    Still… I know… it hurts. It hurts so much.

    My best ~ Lexie

  • Donna

    I am in the process of divorce after what I thought was a good marriage for 33 years. My husband is a workaholic which I’ve learned occurs in 38% of SA cases, that or some other addiction or personality disorder. I’ve felt things weren’t right for two years attributing his emotional absence to over work. I felt he wasn’t attracted to me any longer, felt he wasn’t connecting with me, felt we didn’t spend enough time together. These concerns didn’t affect him, he was deep in his addiction by this time. This entire discovery has been a nightmare, from phone sex, computer solicitation, strip clubs requiring him to withhold money for lap dances, lastly sex with prostitutes, strippers, and even a woman he picked up off the street. I have learned this has been going on for ten years! I’m absolutely devastated, feel I will never trust anybody ever again. My husband put on a very good act, hiding this double life VERY well. He’s the kind of guy everybody loves, almost too nice, which is why this has been so heartbreaking. If my husband could deceive me like this, is there anyone I can trust? The hardest part is the lying, it took six miserable months before the truth came out with so many lies along the way. It is virtually impossible to ever believe or trust him again. He is seeing a sex therapist once a week and attending AA once a week (not an alcoholic) because he doesn’t like the “creepy” men at SA….too funny eh? For me divorce is the answer, more power to those of you can stay and do the work, I just can’t. Don’t even know who this person is anymore. We need to love ourselves, find out what WE need to be happy humans.

  • princess

    i knew my partner frequented escorts after the break up of his marriege,which i could understand ,they had had a sexless marriege for six yrs…..but after a while with him im starting to doubt his words….it has come to light that dispite have a very healhy sex life he has been wanking every morning ( he cant function otherwise) he has also been watching barely legel porn to completion 2-3 times a wk and my gut is screaming that he,s seeing escorts still……my intuition is always spot on,but im fighting it because i dnt want to believe he would do that to me and im so in love with him. im starting to feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it….men dont realise the devestation this causes. i dont have anyway to get evidence as i dont know the password to his computer or phone and as we dont live together i cant be rummerging around in his draws for phone bills ect…………im petty certain im spot on,his sex drive is clearly through the roof but i have no way of knowing….i feel crushed…………..

  • Kimberly

    Princess,

    Your boyfriend makes ME sick to my stomach. Don’t you just love the little tale of deceit they spin. He tells you just enough about his reality to assuage the teensy crumb of guilt he has, but not enough to make you understand, what’s REALLY going on, for you would leave him.

    This is very, very difficult, but listening to your pain, it is obvious, that you DO know what’s going on, but are just too afraid to face the enormity of what it all means. There are LOTS of things you could do, to find out, but that is not the purpose of this forum and most of them would mean that you would have to stoop to his low low level and I do not recommend that. My inclination might be to speak to his ex-wife, but of course, that would be very scary and something most women would not do. But, she could and probably would be most happy to fill you in, on what’s really going on or went on during their marriage. Sexless marriage, my ASS!!! I’m not saying that they DID have sex, but usually in these cases,if they don’t, its because a sex addict who’s so addicted to porn and hookers, can’t perform with the ol’ ball and chain—I mean, wife. (eyes rolling) Oh, he will say that SHE didn’t want sex, but that is extremely unlikely, isn’t it? She is no different from you or me or any of us, who were left in time, feeling unloved, unwanted, un cared for and then… the truth comes out. The patterns are certain and clear. In time, you will become the same “sexless” excuse for him to act out. guaranteed. I am quite sure that everything you are feeling and going through, she did as well, and probably 10-fold. My hunch? He has been seeing sex workers all along–before he married her, after he married her… He always has and he always will. My concern for you, is for your health, both physically and emotionally. I do know, oh so well, the emotional pull that these guys have. Its an act they’ve been perfecting since childhood and it feels so much like the real thing, but its not. They are master con artists. Ask anyone on this forum. We were all duped. We all loved our husbands deeply and were all beyond devastated when we discovered that our reality was nothing like what we believed it was and for some of us, its been 20, 30, 40 years… And there are children, even grand children, a home, extended families, friends. We our left with little else but a lifetime of memories that we now realize was nothing but a sham. Imagine how that must feel. In my case, we have come close to financial ruin as my husband as many sex addicts do, found it difficult to make a decent living. I imagine that its quite difficult for a man to think about what really matters in life when his brain is located somewhere inside his dick.

  • Blown away

    Just found out my husband has been seeing escorts for past six years. He lost his great paying job in Oct. got a new one… Fired for not showing up in feb. another in April quit it, and another in May lost it went to rehab. Over the years problems with money continuously. He always mad enough that it wasn’t obvious. He had a thousand dollar allowance per month for spending. What a dope I am. Always wondering why is he broke. All his money is gone 401 k all. He is behind two months on all his personal bills. I refuse tobail him out. We have a seven year old son. Past eight months his money has gone strictly for him probably contributed 1500 total for house bills. He cries and says I am punishing him whenever I ask a question. He has not admitted to seeing escorts. Says he likes the pictures. Phone records shows pages and pages of calls, text and pictures messages. Yes I am probably “punishing” him by asking over and over if he did it. Get really tired of being lied too. We have been together 15 years married 10 first year he had an affair with a girl. Resently admitted to that to..actually she told the details since he aid it was only lunch. More like a four months with him telling her and her whole family I divorced him and took him for all his money. He has none of course. My son is caught in the middle. They are very close… He is always the GOOD guy. Buys him basically like everyone else. For whatever reason I have not filed divorce yet. Hard to come to grips with this and his double life. Amazed and shocked he has shown up for all dr appointments, school functions and ect. He has basically thrown his whole life away and of course he wants a chance. He cries but cant admit the truth, maybe it wouldn’t help anyway. Need to let go and move on. He also is not from here so I have worried he will disappear out of our sons life. Honestly I recognize that might not be a bad thing. What a nightmare I have read so many blogs and about women getting HIV because of the cheater it makes me sick. His mom is behind him a 100% but I guess Jeffery Dahmers was too. Need to make a move but feel stuck.

  • Kimberly

    Dear Blown Away,

    Welcome to our little theater of the absurd. Yes, indeed, up is down and down is okay because he has his mommy to bail him out. There is no rhyme or reason to any of this. He does not want to hear that he has hurt you or done anything wrong. That is because he does not understand that anything he does, IS wrong. Therefore, your acting like he’s done something wrong is punishing to him. However, as you can see, none of it makes any kind of reasonable sense. And YES, that are ALL “good guys.” nice guys. Who knew? SOCIOPATHS ARE JUST NORMAL JOES LIVING AND WORKING AMONGST US AND COACHING OUR SONS, LITTLE LEAGUE. And for all too many of us, we discover that we are actually married to one of these pathetic creatures. I know this is very difficult and I need to keep reminding myself of this too. But, we cannot ask ANYTHING of them. He is severely handi-capped and incapable of leading a normal life. He does not understand real kindness. real love. real integrity. real devotion. He is incapable of this. Kill him with kindness as much as you can, but do not expect anything of him, whatsoever. Do not ask the questions you already know the answer to. Again, the only answer you will receive from him, will be deeply hurtful, so please try not to go there. And yes, sadly, it is best to make our plans and leave this crazy house, for there is only one way this sad tale can go, if we don’t leave it.

    Now, please understand that he is also likely to find another patsy, I mean woman to latch onto, for these types find it very difficult to go it alone. Pity her. He will do to her what he did to you. And don’t blame yourself for trusting this idiot. We all did. We all loved them and believed that it was reciprocal, but how can we expect a blind man to guide us down a winding path? We were all horrified to find that they were even remotely capable of behaving in this despicable fashion, and yet, the truth is that we never knew this side of them at all. No one does. Not even themselves. They are largely empty shells of a person. That is all. best to you. K

  • Francina Mike

    I am planning to date a guy who has all these problems but has changed a lot. Still changing. But haven’t fully recovered, I guess.

    We are friends. He wanted to come out of sex addiction even BEFORE he met me. He is a Christian guy.

    But still when i think of getting married to him….i feel very sad about getting hurt. Very heavy. Disturbing. I keep imagining how all he might try to cheat and still try to hide. I will find right out.

    I thought he loved me very much and WON’T hurt me. But he broke my heart in a very silly matter. I have started wondering that he doesn’t consider me even as a good friend ….or else he won’t hurt me that way. He might be jealous but how can i live with a guy who doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions.

    I think he loves me but the quality and depth is what i am wondering. I am an extremely committed in even small things.

    Should i date him or not? I wish we remain good friends so that he will continue to be honest and i can help.

    So far he is honest.

  • Francina Mike

    When i imagine a life with him, i can see myself getting hurt in the way described by women here. When i read this post and comments…. i can relate to almost everyone, though i was never there in such a situation.

    I am good in finding things straight away. I dig a lot when trying to protect my friends and will go to any extent to keep monitoring my husband.

    But do i need that?
    Do i need a guy who might destroy my peace?

    I wish there were no male species on this planet. Why are they so weird? Why can’t they be loyal and truthful to the woman who loves them.

    After he hurt me emotionally in a silly matter i feel like i don’t know him. He might hurt me in big things and claim that was angry or horny or that the devil trusted him.

    Do such guys change?

  • kimberly

    Francina,

    Please. This man is not a friend. He is a liar and a cheater and no, these men do not change. They do not get better. not really, for the long haul.(despite appearances) Christian means nothing. absolutely nothing. Lots of addicts hide behind religion. Your heart is playing head games with your head. Your head knows the truth but doesn’t want to believe it. He is toxic. Please… do yourself a favor and cut it off. You cannot help him recover. If anything, you are an unwitting enabler. That is the only role you can serve with this man.

  • SanityRegained

    jeez are we women so stupid?

    Or is it that i am just losing patience.

    Francina you mean you want to marry a guy who has hooker sex? I mean really?

    You think you want find anyone better who can love you or you think you are worthy enough only to be loved by a man such as this or do you think being Mother Theresa will suddenly make him a good and honest man.

    Please , please Francina grow up.

    Almost all of us here got duped . we didnt know they were addicts.

    providence/destiny/god,take your pick, has been kind enough to let you know beforehand what sort of a man he is and you still want to go ahead?

    Do you think you will always be this lucky?

    Hooker sex is something no man can ever ever give up, no matter what anyone tells you.

    It is fast food sex and once you are addicted to junk food you will never ever have the patience and taste for a gourmet meal.

  • Tearful Maj

    I have been in a relationship for 5 years but in the last two years I had suspicions that something was going on, things like putting his phone on silent, not taking it out with him anywhere, remember this was a guy who took his phone to the toilet when we first met. Then out of the blue another phone turned up he said it was for work as his new phone was getting scratched. I did bring all these things to his attention and ask if somehting was going on but he completely denied everything and kept saying he “hates guy’s that do that kind of thing” but all the time he was doing it himself with prostitutes, I truly believe he convinced himself it was o.k to do what he was doing because it wasn’t an affair it was alright, it meant nothing well that’s not true as they become obsessed by it and never see or treat you the same they become a different person they are always comparing sex with you to a hooker you never get the kind loving tender guy you had at the beginning. I finally found my evidence I used his van just the other day and found a book hidden at the back shelf I looked through it don’t know why but I was really nervous I started shaking before I found anything but then came a page full of escort names costing between £100/£200 pound an extra £10 if you wanted oral sex. I felt sick to my stomach I couldn’t even cry I was in shock even although I knew something was going on. Well ladies that is my story, stick to your first instinct if you have your suspicions they are up to something I can tell you they are, don’t be surprised if they shout, swear and walk out because they can’t believe you have accused them that’s just guilt. I can’t forgive him it’s unforgivable, deceitful dirty and degrading, so I finished the relationship as I know deep down he will not change it’s been going on for years. Good luck girls be strong and hold your head high they are the sick b…….. Not us.

    • confusedj

      Tearful Maj- you described behaviours, thoughts and feelings, exactly the same as I have written down my own. I have been in a 19month relationship with a man 18 while I am 27. This relationship was made in heaven, we idolised each other. My partner was diagnosed with servere ocd and its been a very hard road. To add to this pattens of relatonship ocd kept recurring and breaks in our reltionship got longer, the make-ups become boring and now we hardly see one another.His overprotective, 2 faced mum puts so much guilt and pressure on him, now he is entrenched in rituals.
      In refrence to sex, my partner was always big on sex as he is young. He often expressed how young he felt he was when he started feeling sexual urges. I thought nothing of this and carried on. Our sex progressed and he developed a foot fettish. Slowly I noticed his attension started to point more towards porn and role play. I picked up the he fantascy’s that I am another women, that was ok too.
      In the last few months I have picked up on things relating to brothals ect especially his friends, often being sneeky. I didn’t want to even think my partner would even consider it, so I didn’t. Last night a close friend dropped on me he said he has slept with a prostitute. I couldn’t bare to he anymore and te friend didn’t carry on. I went into shock and life doesn’t feel good. I immediatly thought of the link with ocd, I also did with his cannabis addiction becoming a complusion. I haven’t be able to talk to him as his mum took him away for 3 days with no warning and no phones. I can think of serveral occations when his pattern and behaviour was the same and he went to the city centre each time. I feel robbed of my boyfriend :( he loved me. He knows (I feel exactly the same) I will stand by him through anything, but not another woman. I have lost all respect for him and I feel everything has been a lie. I was hoping sex ocd or addiction could excuse his behaviours cos I don’t want to lose him :( ….. Ino its already lost

  • what can I say?

    I really don’t know what to say…..but as ia am greeting older, I have come to realize that in this day and age it is very common. I can’t answer why? because it takes a few clicks on a computer to find 1,000s of escorts (hookers), because of easy accessible pornography, male/female entitlement, some say stress, lack of morals, or just because honestly it is really “in” to hire escorts. If one looks at the news with all these athletes and politicians, MTV and videos and the lyrics to some of these new songs, there is a lot of reference to easy sex and especially vip escorts. If you are a REAL man, an alpha man, you get yourself an escort. Back in the day, it was hush hush and only the affluent can afford it. Now, computers and escort prices lets you have anything your heart (oops penis) desires. And why not?

    If a wife, girlfriend, lover finds out and leaves, there will be 50 women in a heartbeat to replace her. If he is an alpha male with some status, money, or power, then it would be safe to say 1,000 women in a heartbeat that will replace her. And these men know it. and honestly they don’t care. They never did. They don’t think with their minds or think they will “hurt” you with their hearts. No, you are not even a factor. It is all about their ego and them. And again, why not?
    Women are not any better. Some are selfish and don’t care and go after whatever they want. Morals? Where? With shows like desperate housewives, all these raunchy reality shows, sex in the city, the kardashian girls that got famous from a porno, again it is “in” to be promiscuous and go after whatever you want. And why not? Don’t we know the new rules? You have to “hook-up” with him first to get him to like you so you can date. LOL. It’s “in” to get pregnant first or have a baby in order for him to propose.. WOW With all of this female sexual woman power liberation we are having sex like a man and desensitized.. And guess who is having a great old time? Yup men are having their cake and eating it too!

    Should you stay or go if you found out your husband is paying escorts? As a woman, I can’t give any advice. All I can say, is when it happened to me….I asked myself….do I want to keep him? If yes, for whatever reason, then keep him (find a hobby, begin a new workout, have revenge sex) do whatever you want to do to make yourself feel better. And put it behind you. He will cheat again. They all do. If you don’t want to keep him, don’t….move on. But who knows what the next might be he could be the same or worse. Anyway, this is just my opinion. Oh, I am looking forward to watching a new series on TV called Mistresses………

  • Please help!

    I would really appreciate any advice. Four years ago I found a frequent user card for a massage parlor that was stamped four times. My husband swore that he would never cross that line and said that he was handed the card at a sports game by a woman when he was with his friends. Two years later I finally got on his inernet because I thought for so long that he was using Internet porn. Instead I found many massage parlors and a local escort site. I decided I was going to get divorced. When I gave my husband divorce papers he said that we should go to marriage counceling and that we should do everything we could for our son. He completely denied doing anything and said he was getting on the sites because he was fascinated by the reviews on the women. At first I refused to go to counceling. he asked me “would it help if he told me he went to the massage parlor.” I told him that was a start and we stayed together and went to counceling. He now says he went to the massage parlor for sex but was unable to do anything and that the other sites were only for the reviews. I do not feel that I have ever been given a real apology. I’ve asked him to go to his own counceling but he says that would be ridiculous since he never did anything. Without having trust for him in the relationship I feel horrible that two years later I still have not been able to forgive him. I am in limbo and do not know anymore what I should do. I just feel really guilty for not being able to get passed it. Please help.

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