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Husband Says He Doesn’t Need Help With His Sex And Porn Addiction

help 300x186 Husband Says He Doesnt Need Help With His Sex And Porn AddictionHere’s a story I just received this week about a woman who is dealing with her husband’s Sex and Porn Addiction.

Hi, my name is Iman and this is for anyone that would listen and understand on what I am going through with my so called “marriage”.  Honestly, I am not even sure on where to start with this without crying or getting angry to the point that I want to ask him to leave for good this time. I will just write all the key points through the issues that I went through with him.

Okay, I have been married for 3 years and have two children by him (2 years old daughter and 2 month old son) and my 13 years old son from previous marriage. I am heartbroken for the children as well.

Ever since I met this man, I feel that my life was never the same….I feel that I am drowning in pain and with lots of anger. Since the beginning, I had other women involved in our marriage meaning he kept flirting and giving his number to them or vice versa, and just two weeks before our marriage he was dating this other female that I found through his text messages and it was sexual plus talking like he was also going to marry her.

Of course, I confronted him and he denied it all and said that it was his brother using his phone, so I let that go with lots of anger.

Hmm… then 2 months within our marriage I found out that I was pregnant and I was supposed to enjoy my pregnancy, but I kept finding him chatting with other females online or him watching porn, so we argued so much to the point that we separated for few months and then he would apologize and he would cry and say that he would change, so I would believe him and take him back.

He would do well for few days, but then we would argue so much about the past or that he wants nothing to do with my son or then our newborn child, so again he would go back on the same issues (porn and chatting with other females) and again we would separate for few months and back again because he kept crying and apologizing… mind you this continued for our entire marriage.

I am really all alone with these issues because I feel that I have no one on my side even my parents know his issues, but they keep telling me to give him chance after chance and that he will change and grow up eventually (we are both 30 years old)…I still don’t see it and now its 3 years into our marriage and nothing yet.

Few days ago, I found porn on our laptop again and at first he tried to deny it like always, but he couldn’t hide it, so he admitted, but as usual apologized and said to drop it and that he will never do it again and for us to move on from it. I don’t trust him and am only in this marriage because am praying that he will change like my parents say and at the same time I don’t want to make bad choices for the sake of the children.

Another issue is that my son (13 year old) and he don’t get along much. My son came to me numerous times saying that he doesn’t show him affection like he does for our other two and when he speaks to him it is always with a bad tone. My son feels alone at times because he never had a father role and this one is not helping. When I offer him with an advice on how to care and communicate with the children. He says that he doesn’t need help, but he isn’t getting anywhere with any of us, so what is really happening to my marriage????????????

What am I doing wrong or what should I do to heal and fix this marriage or even myself…PLEASE HELP!

Thank you

Iman

13 comments to Husband Says He Doesn’t Need Help With His Sex And Porn Addiction

  • kimberly

    Iman,

    You’re doing absolutely nothing wrong; your husband is very sick. It takes two people two make a marriage and I see only one committed person. (you, of course) Please find yourself a counselor to help you work through all of this. I’m so sorry that this is what you ended up with. Certainly he hid it all from you until after you were legally bound together. Well, that’s what they do. At least you have found out the nasty truth earlier rather than 30 years later like some of us. best, Kim

  • Thank you very much for the support. That is my intention to seek professional help from all this pain. Once again thank you.

  • Good morning, am up feeding my newborn:)
    Okay an update is that last week, we made a promise to behave and live better as a family, until my son saw the previous pornsites(I think) and some new other websites that says “sex tips” plus more this evening… SMH! Then, husband and I argued for little bit and then when it was time to comfort the 13 year old for what he saw, hubby walked out…SMH again! When he came back, I told him that this marriage is at its end, because he doesn’t listen and try to fix our marriage seriously and the kids emotion… Also that this been going on for years…with all that being said to him, he just ignored me and said “goodnight” will talk about it tomorrow. Hmmm… what is that mean, because I need to know if I am wasting my time and hurting the kids along the way, especially the 13 year old boy, so what to do to fix my marriage(if any hope), and kids, and self??? Please HELP!

    Iman :(

  • kimberly

    Sorry, Iman, this is not a real marriage, so there’s nothing to fix. and yes, if you stay you may be damaging your impressionable son for life. I would make a plan to leave, ASAP. Your h will not change. This is who he is. I’m so, so sorry, but its reality. best, Kim.

  • Betty

    Dear Iman,

    I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position. Unfortunately, many of us found out late in life. I was 47 when I found my “husbands” stash of porn. I’m afraid this cycle, which is now well established, will continue.

    My experience with professional counselors has not been positive. They are not trained to deal with the trauma you experience as a result of your husband’s activities. Most will simply be inclined to label you as co-dependent and treat you as if you are sick. I found therapy to be more damaging.

    We are here for you! And “the sisters” on the Sisterhood of Support site can provide real, practical, no-nonsense advice for a small monthly donation. I found that support to be far more helpful than the thousands I spent on professional “therapy.”

    I’m now 50 years old and I have been living with a sex addict for 26 of those years. If I could live my life over again, the one thing I would do differently is I would have left the “husband” decades ago. I hope you do not waste your life waiting for him to change. It won’t happen. You and YOUR CHILDREN deserve so much better. Please get out……and be well.

    My best, Betty

  • Heather

    Hello Iman,

    This is all so paunful and sad and hard for you. It will be so difficult to leave, I know, especially with a newborn. I’m afraid I have to agree with others, though – you need to do it. For your children first, and also, though it will be awhile before you stop feeling overwhelmed, for yourself.

    There are good therapists out there who recognize that you are not a codependent but rather are suffering from relationship trauma. I’m not sure how one finds them; Pehaps I was just was lucky.

    The shame is his, not yours. Keep telling yourself that, because it is true.

  • Jen

    I too was married to a Sex Addict. Second marriage for both of us. I was married to him for 23 years he was never married to me. I got sick and he walked out…taking everything he could carry off including all 5 of our cars,cleaned the bank account out too…He looked at me and said “Nothing but the Best for me from now on”. That was one of the best days of my life! 22 years of pure hell, they never change. Councelors would say he really loves you,you are codependent, give it a try one year for every year you have been married . Time after time the tears & begging and woman after woman,even my best friend lol. I also had physical abuse to go with the mental abuse. My bigest regret is that I did’t leave when my children were little. They were adults when we divorced it was & is hard on them. He married as soon as our divorce was final and guess what? After 6 years they are getting a divorce and he already has a new girlfriend. Thank God I am away from him. I don’t think I will ever be in another relationship. It is Him not You. No matter how much anyone tries to convince you otherwise.

  • You don’t deserve of this kind of treatment. Its up to you if you are not happy on your relationship I think this is time to let him go.

  • Heather

    I think many of these men are sociopaths and not sex addicts. Read up on sociopaths and I suspect the behaviors will be very similar. The freeing thing about determining that they are sociopaths is that it explains EVERYTHING and makes it very clear that they are not capable of change or being a good partner. I packed up at 9 months pregnant, quit my job, left him and left everything I owned and moved 1,200 miles. Once you are free of a sociopath you begin to take deep breaths again and feel alive. I promise.

  • Angela

    It is over. Deep down you know it. Face it and deal with it
    before it does more harm.
    My new motto… Let it go. Translates to let him go.
    No… I am not a know-it-all. Just another victim. Married for 33 years….
    The past !5+ have been a rollercoaster. The devastation of the first betrayal .. the
    apology. The roses etc.. then the same thing all over again. Each time the spacing is closer together.
    From personal add and chat lines (long before technology) to testing and emails… Porn tapes that are now dvds…. His addiction is classic.
    We have spent over 3 years trying to separate and solve.
    The problem continues. He can’t stop. I know it. He denies it.
    You been to leave. I need a divorce.. so do you.
    Be brave don’t wait. Give yourself and the life a better life. Do it!

  • Galor

    Thanks for the auspicious writeup. It in reality was once a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! However, how could we keep up a correspondence?

  • Janine

    Thank you so much for providing this site. I have been up for 24 hours after I have made the final decision to end this with my SA. It is very hard we’ve been dating for 2 years and he’s handsome, kind, and many wonderful qualities. He was ex-military and I discovered that the whole time we’ve been dating he’s had a massive porn collection and propositioned hookers. When I first discovered it about year ago we broke up for 3 weeks then I caved out of loneliness. Several breakups later I thought this time he had finally kicked the habit and things were good again but I discovered last night he continued his secret life. If it wasn’t for all the other women who have posted on this site like those telling us SAs never change and the only lucky women are the ones who leave early in the relationship I might have tried to continue working on this relationship. But I see now that all the women here are 100% correct that SAs are incapable of change and it is only a matter of time before they return to their old ways. So sad but time to soldier on and get a healthier relationship.

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