Here is Part One of the four part series of interviews with Barbara Steffens. She has generously given her time and knowledge so that we can all benefit from her research and ideas about how partners of Sex Addicts can cope and heal. I cannot thank her enough.
Be sure to check back next week for Part 2.
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Here is Part Two of the four part series of interviews with Barbara Steffens begin_of_the_skype_highlighting end_of_the_skype_highlighting. If you enjoyed part one you will LOVE part two. In Part Two Barbara discusses the ‘life quake’ of discovery of the Sexual Addiction, disclosures, honesty, trust and boundaries.
Once again, I would like to offer a great big ‘Thank You!’ to Barb for so generously sharing her time, knowledge and experience with us.
Be sure to check back next week for Part 3
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Here is Part Three of the four part series of interviews with Barbara Steffens. If you liked parts one and two, I’m sure you will enjoy this session. In Part Three Barbara discusses what effects stress and trauma have on our bodies and our minds, and what types of treatments are available.
Once again, I would like thank Barb for so generously sharing her time, knowledge and experience with us.
Be sure to check back next week for the Fourth and final session of this series.
If you have other authors or authorities you would like to hear, please feel free to make suggestions.
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We come to the end of our journey with Barbara Steffens in this final segment of our interviews. In this last interview Barbara discusses the issues that must be addressed after the initial discovery, how and what to tell the children, where to find support and how to relieve stress. Barbara also shares her very poignant personal story of forgiveness.
It is a very bittersweet ending for me as I feel as if I am saying goodbye to a very dear friend. But we can access her wisdom any time with the interviews and her book. I know I speak for everyone when I say “Thank You” to Barbara for her sharing and caring in offering her time for these interviews.
If you have other authors or authorities you would like to hear, please feel free to make suggestions.
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To order Barbara Steffen’s book just click the link below.
This was so helpful — thank you! I ordered the book.
On the subject of counsellors, however, I have to say, that I went to two different counsellors who were not helpful. One man was so unhelpful that I felt I ought not to have even paid him the $160.00 he charged for the hour. He just kept saying, “Why are you defending this man? Why are you staying with him?” as though it was as simple as that. I have since found more support, but just to say that counsellors are not always a great resource. And “do I stay, do I go” is just one of a great number of questions, so if someone is focussed only on that, they aren’t helping!
This is something that HAPPENED to me. This is something that happened TO me. This is something that happened to ME.
From listening to this series, it seems one of the most valuable take-aways is that I didn’t choose this, however I am left with the trauma of this affecting my life, my heart and the future I thought was safe.
I feel there is no need to tell my story here – they are all so similar – but to reassure others that no one is alone in this. In the early days I felt the need to carry the secret just as he had done. As if revealing the secret would result in a judgement against me by those outside the relationship. Turns out – that when you start to talk about it, you realise how many other suffer in silence and the pressure cooker feeling starts to fade, then as if by magic some clear thoughts can start to enter your space.
I have started to accept that my validation may never come from him, however in the meantime it does come from God. I am loved and wanted. I was so wanted that God created me! and the very delicate natures that my partner views as an over-reaction, is in fact the softness that God himself planted in my heart when he designed it and me.
Difficulties in our lives are appointments to remind us that we need to be in a relationship with God. No one ever asks where God is when times are good right? But when times get tough, all of a sudden we are knocking at the door saying what are you thinking!!!! These appointments are like the loving hug from a friend and the shoulder to cry on. Yet, they are so much more that this. God made us, and He cries with our heartbreak, and in those dark moments you can ask him to carry your grief -even if it’s just for an hour – He will.
I pray that all who walk this path find a way through to the other end.
xx
WOW!!!! This was a truly amazing series to listen to, just wish I has listened to it soon after my D Day. I did some things wrong but mostly I am relieved to know I am not crazy at all. It has been 5 months since my first discovery….
I was basically told (be the therapist) to get over it and to hurry up as my husband was magically healed from the addiction in 3 sessions with a Spiritual Healer. Currently I have no concrete proof of him acting out but his behavior is a clear sign to me. I have laid down some clear boundaries which has broken at every turn. He accuses me of not being willing to move forward but he does not understand the fact that I need him to display trustworthy behavior in order to start trusting again.
When I confront him about these he basically reflects it back to me and blames me for every instance of transgression. He has even gone as far as blaming my children for the situation and refuses to take any responsibility for his part in me not trusting him. He is still ignoring me sexually and constantly busy on him phone and PC. I have no access to any of his communication methods and this dis-empowers me. I found that I only feel the need to check on him because of the way he has been treating me and basically disregarding the boundaries that he agreed to.
Also he has succeeded in isolating me from my support network in that I am not allowed any friends or privacy. He checks my messages and wants access to all my private places. This is not a problem for me as a rule, it is just very concerning as I have not given him any reason to act this way. Also I need to speak to people about what is happening to me and yes sometimes that involves telling them things that he does to hurt me. I do not want him to know these things as I feel that I need a release point for my feelings that he does not control. Everything else in my life is controlled by him and any work done on the relationship up to this point have been around him and his healing. It makes me feel as if what I need and want is not important and as if he wants me to accept his addiction and move on.
I am one of those woman Jo-Anne referred to without financial resources. I am currently unemployed and I have 2 children. I am 100% dependent on my husband and this is making the right choices very difficult for me. I know what I need to do I am just not able to do it!! Creating a safety net within the house is also impossible as it sets him of to a series of spiteful and hurtful behaviors, an atmosphere I do not want my kids to live in.
I understand that I have a responsibility towards myself to let go of the past and embrace the future I just don’t think that the responsibility should be all mine.
[...] The 4 part audio interviews with one of the authors (Barbara Steffens). She is an SO herself. Interviews for wives of Sex Addicts Thanks Canuck! [...]
I have been attending two Faith-based 12-Step programs for over a year. Two to Four meetings a week. I thought i was going to better understand my husband, love the humanity of my husband-hate the behavior and the illness of Addiction. A couple of months ago, I had a break through were I am at peace, I have comfort in my heart, my soul and I no longer am suffering with the “why’s”, “what if’s”, and “hoiw could I not see this coming?”.
I was a Social Worker for DFS, many years ago. I worked with a woman I didn’t get to know personally, however, I watched how she cared for her clients, her work ethics, her personal values as a co-worker. She has been a career police officer since we both left DFS.
He has escalated twice since I wrote the above info. I called and asked her if we could talk off the record. She wanted me to go into the shelter-I chose not to because no one can watch out for me for the rest of my life. I am careful to not be alone with him, however, I will not live in FEAR of anyone. To me, He would further victimize and harm me if I allow him to live in my head.
I am alot more calm knowing there are people who know the rest of the story.
He is differnet this time. So far, he is has stopped contacting me-for the first time.
He stayed and sat by me in church. We often are in one of the 12-Steps at the same time. I do not treat him different and I am at peace and calm as long as i know we are not going to be alone.
My sister stikll doesn’t want my neice to know. However, this is one of the things he threatened me with-He said he was going to go and ask her why I had asked him to stay away from her and her husband. If he runs into them in public-fine. I made it clear I would CALL THE POLICE.
I have someone I can trust to look at the electronics I have. By researching the cables, etc., I figured out he was using his IPOD and Blu-Ray. I didn’t get those. Voyeurism is a lesser crime of invasion of privacy. If there are pictures, the act becomes a felony.
I am actually reinventing my life. I have been diagnosed with Post-Concussion Syndrome, PTSD and severe Vitamin D Deficiency. Never heard of the last one except children in underveloped nations having “Rickets”. I am completing a neuropsych eval, a sleep study and i am taking 50,000 units of Vitamin D. I have also began working with my graduate program, and beginning to develop a plan to finish my graduate degree.
I have hope, I feel “back to me”. I am a very strong woman who has been called a “chain breaker” for what I have accomplished with my life while in the human service field-I always have someone who has left my office whose trials and tribulations leaves me thanking our Heavenly Father for the ones that are mine to endure and learn from.
I will know more soon and I will communicate with you.
The most important realization of all has been the “validation” of my reality! I was beginning to believe maybe I was so messed up-and just couldn’t be objective about my own emotional well-being, that I was lucky he hadn’t completely ended things.
The huge difference is in knowing my “gut” instincts were right-no matter if counselors, clergy, and even some of my own family-felt I “just wasn’t letting it go”, or “moving on”. Actually, my greatest strengths of forgiveness, tolerance of differences, acceptance of his journey and crosses to bear in this life were not my own, I am blessed with radar for what a person doesn’t say-which helps me as I work in the counseling profession. I may specialize in sexual compulsions and the affects on partners and the children.
I beleive I had consciously worked to be a healthy partner before I agreed to re-marry. I feel abused by our Counselor (since 2004), who had to define me as 50-50 responsible for choosing a partner with these issues due to unresolved baggage of my own. Everything inside of me screamed NO! I had watched her from afar, raise her children, complete her degrees, same religion, I trusted her, loved her as a sister and a mentor. I trusted her to help me be objective about our situation. Her last words to me was, “What did I expect when I filed a DV/RO against him.
I am going slow, gathering my info and no matter the outcome-I will be alright!! I have talked to my family and most believe he loves me and is violent-which, sadly, is true. I have completed my basic obit.
This is the first year my daughter and her family hasn’t called him for Father’s Day. My sister and my daughter are 2 1/2 years apart-more like sisters-and My sister gave her an ultimatum. She said if they had anymore to do with him, she couldconsider her Dead to her.
We last text on 06/10-I begged him to calm himself-I explained he was going to create the very thing he feared-All of his secrets blowing up around us.
He doesn’t know all that I know and the people who are looking out for me. The most threatening part of all of this is losing face with his male peers via our church. I have explained this to my Bishop. If they handle the situation, and support him when it comes into the light-we may all be alright in our own way.
Unless there is more serious behaviors, i do not need to publically shame and hhumiliate him. Some addicts do suffer because the shame and guilt keeps him “split” in living a double life-Who he is is a lie! That has got to be a miserable way to exist. He is like two completely differnet people-His eyes change, his face changes, the entire energy around him changes when he goes into his anger/rages.
I have my moments of grief and sorrow for what I thought we had together. i beleive he wants the same-and, he has remained in his bubble of denial, until it is too late. Enough. Thank You. I will call you next week. I am Ok to not have to retell my story to get it out of me theraputically, however, if the time is right, i will tell my story to help even on other woman who is living in the “crazy making” and “gaslighting” manipulation which creates such despair and suffering to levels unimaginable. The stress of living this way will and does destroy our physical health as well.
I have keep my silence until it is finally “puking” out of me.
Him counting on my loyality, silence, and unconditional love-is why I am alive to speak of my experience. i am sittin on a powder keg-the fuse has been lit. It is not what will happen, now-Just When.
I am going to forward these interviews to our Dr. level psychologist. Been together since 2003. Met at church, years earlier. Both were in 40′s. Changed on our wedding night. Diagnosed 2005-6, with me receiving multiple diagnoses due to my responses to his behaviors. Lost family members to death, etc. LIFE happens-besides living with the SA and their behaviors and all that we are Robbed Of-our dreams, any innocence is gone forever, things we may not ever even HAD to know about, normal forgiveness with a SA-just seems to give them permission to up the anty!! 2008-moved out due to physical abuse. Police called-he had talked to them before they arrived-I dropped the subject-and moved to a rental. I had sold my home, delayed a Masters program, etc. in 2004. 2010-attended a 3-day couples intensive program for SA-he was diagnosed as Sexual Anorexic-later stage of SA. Said I was also-NO-I had made decision that the sexual relationship wasn’t connecting for me. I am the partner that tried to keep the sexual part untouched my what ever was happening outside of the bubble where we could close everything else off-He even said our sex life was so perfect-he was so content-and we felt so “clean”. 09/2010-He hit me Ko’d me-causing Post Concussion Syndrome-seeing neurologist. I filed a Temp RO-He filed a counter Temp RO. I dropped mine-He wouldn’t-lasted 5 months-dropped. I work with persons with disabilities. He basically was in a “Narscissisitic Rage”-Quite, calm, lethal; to destroy me. Just about did. He came to my house, while he had temp RO against ME. I had dropped mine because he was saying and hurting me by using the system against me. I couldn’t afford an attorney-didn’t think I would need one for a civil case-I was so wrong-I ignored what he wrote in the temp RO-because it was so unreal-when he came to where I lived AFTER all of this-he said to build trust, lawyer said he could….If they did nothing 2X-I picked up ER hospital records in Nov. I began to believe I was damaged-I was BPD-I was broken-it Had To Be Me. He was so loving-our clergy believed him-Our counselor turned on ME. I has Never looked at my ER/hospital medical records before 11/2010. He had completed intake/triage for me, 05/03/2010-my heart due to anxiety/FMS, AND, when he hit me 09/2010. He listed me as “no” to abusive relationship, “yes” to alcoholic, and “yes” to street drug user. NEVER had issues with any of the alcohol/drug scene. Lived in same area since ’76. Same doctors-since 80′s and one since ’97. The CEO of hospital is going to write a supporting letter due to the conflict in the reports and the release info, etc.
Two weeks ago I found were my SA husband had holes and had been viewing my 23 year old neice and her husband in bed, in the bathrooms, etc. We have been in counseling since 2004-present. My husband has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I moved out 3 years ago. The Counselor, my clergy, police officers, victims program, my own family failed me and betrayed me. He had became so “religious”-it was just me not getting over it and I must have been a BPD, co-everything. I kept the “SECRETS” and let others think what they may. I now know!!! I do not know if I have been filmed-if my neice has been filmed. I have told 2 close friends, 1 clergy-who said I could bring my evidence to his house, and 2 couple missionaries. My SA doesn’t know how much info I have. I have told him I do not have anything where I live-so further harming me is not the answer. I AM afraid for my life. I CANNOT go to the police or sheriff. I really do not know what to do. My neice will be devastated-her Mother is my sister-My son by marriage lived with them from age 17-21. Is Voyerism illegal. I have all the electronics-I do not know how to check them out. I really do not want to actually SEE-I just need to know if there is film out there. I have been working with a couple of different 12-Steps for support and reading everything I can get my hands on. The counseling and advice I received over all of these years was abusive and further traumatizing to ME. I have reached a level of Spiritual strength that truly is a “peace which surpasses understanding”. Even if I am in shock-I know I am going to be OK. He knows I know. I have remained calm. Communicate via texts only. Tell him I need time to heal and build trust-we never have discussed it-He just says I haven’t found what I Thought I have, etc. I ignored. If I didn’t have physical evidence-I believe he would do anything to protect the false double-life he has created-at the expense of portraying me as a emotional, dramatic, mentally ill woman. I am just quietly and calmly figuring out what to do next. I cannot bear my precious neice being hurt. I am 15 years older than her Mother-Her mother is like my own child. My sister and daughter where both included when we learned of his SA-they both are educated in addiction/compulsive behaviors. He has never been treated different by family. Now this! My neice and nephew had stayed at our marital home for a couple of weeks-I found the evidence during a visit to the house after they had left. That day-I had said to my husband, “Let’s start over like little children! We will learn to have fun, laugh and play-to remember why we feel in love. Then we will grow-up together-learn each other like healthy teenagers would experience together, THEN, we will work on the Adult Things together, again. Sorry if hard to follow-My Brain is not healed. NOW I KNOW! OMG! I know!!! I now have the courage to take A STAND-and the validation to sustain me. I Just Do Not know who to TRUST.