When I worked as a RN in the hospital I encountered numerous cases of obvious Domestic Violence and abuse. It took me a long time to understand why these women did not ‘just leave’ their abusive partners. Eventually I began writing articles and working with local groups to raise community awareness of the problem of Domestic Violence. I was recognized with an award for these efforts.
Now, over a decade later, I am seeing that same pattern of hopelessness in women who are involved with Sex Addicts. This week I was reviewing some of my information on the cycle of abuse and I was just blown away by the similarities between relationships scarred by Domestic Violence and relationships damaged by Sexual Addiction. Then I asked myself the question, Is Sex Addiction just Spousal Abuse in disguise?
I have always said that the Sex Addict is an abuser. They abuse others by objectifying them and denying their sense of self and being, by denying or ignoring the emotions and needs of others and, most importantly, they abuse by the extreme emotional pain they cause to their spouses and partners. This emotional abuse produces the same effect on spouses and partners of Sex Addicts that I saw over and over in victims of Domestic Violence.
Just think about it. Think about the women who comment here on this site, or others that you know who have been involved with a Sex Addict for a long period of time. They begin their relationship as whole, healthy, caring people and end up broken and depressed, unable to stand up for their rights, willing to compromise their morality, integrity and personal standards for their Sex Addict partner or spouse.
How can this happen? What kind of a person would agree to allowing their life partner to continue to humiliate them by engaging in sexual behaviors outside of the relationship. What kind of person would humiliate themselves by engaging in sexual acts with their spouse or partner that are not pleasurable and often offend their deepest convictions? What kind of person lies to cover up their spouse or partners behaviors? What kind of person willingly stays in a situation like this while swearing undying love and devotion to someone who treats them so badly?
What kind of person? Someone who has lost all sense of themselves (due to abuse).
This insidious, repetitious emotional abuse that you endure while living with a Sex Addict will break you so smoothly, there’s an excellent chance you won’t even realize that you’ve lost yourself. It may take years… but it will break you.
The cycle of abuse differs ever so slightly with Sex Addiction., but it is a very clear cycle. Just look at the chart below that outlines the cycle of domestic abuse. By changing only a few words we can see this same pattern in most Sexual Addiction relationships.
Just look at the first cycle–the tension building. The tension and stress are like a time bomb for the Sex Addict. I think most of us living with an active Sex Addict, whether we are aware of it or not, live with this unease that we feel in the relationship, which we try to resolve by placating the addict. If we were just a little nicer, cuter, thinner, sexier, etc. things might get better. The fact is, the Sex Addict is living in their own hell and we have nothing to do with it.
Now, let’s look at the second cycle. An incident. I remember the times before I discovered my husband’s addiction when he would become angry, withdrawn or argumentative for no apparent reason. Whatever the ‘incident’ was it had nothing to do with me, but I took the brunt of it. Sometimes the incident would be an argument over his flirting with other women or because I had found out that he was in chat rooms again, but it always ended badly with him somehow making me feel as if it were all my fault.
The third cycle, the reconciliation is the time of manipulation for the addict. They want to sweep the incident away and act as if nothing had happened. They can compartmentalize and wall off their feelings, but they just can’t understand why we are unable to forget.
The fourth cycle, the ‘honeymoon’ phase I think is not always consistent with the smaller incidents, which most Sex Addicts just want to forget, but is certainly a major factor in Sex Addiction when they are ‘outed’ or discovered in a major relapse. I hear it over and over from women who have just recently discovered their spouse’s or partner’s Sex Addiction. Suddenly the addict becomes the perfect spouse. They are attentive, sexually considerate, loving, caring, thoughtful, sensitive, introspective, remorseful…and on and on ad nauseam. At this stage the addict is afraid of being abandoned, afraid of facing the consequences for their behavior and they will do anything, say anything or agree to anything just to make the tension go away. As soon as you let your guard down and start to feel comfortable…BAM! It starts all over again.
I think if counselors, treatment centers and we ourselves looked at Sexual Addiction more from the viewpoint of an abusive situation rather than a relatively new and unexplored mental disorder there might be more and better treatment options available. What do you think?
Emotional abuse is underneath all other types of abuse. The most damaging aspect of abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed
by the people that we love and trust. ~ Robert Burney
I don’t think its that simple. I have found most partners of sex addicts or porn addicts have been sexually abused in childhood so know the drill. Its like being hand picked and groomed ready for the abuser. The calm, dissociation. I think the sex addict and partner are both in denial about their own childhood sexual abuse and re enact childhood history.
My husband tried to kill me to make me shut up after discovery. I thought this was common. I thought most sex addicts beat their wives. Mine only beat me when I cried or maybe took him out of his fantasty.
[...] in an abusive relationship (I have no doubt that Sex Addicts are abusers–read my post on that here) is called the Stockholm Syndrome. Here is a great link to an article that describes how it works: [...]
Hey all…Thanks for the “ya” Lynn. Things are going well. Well, kinda. You know how it is! Kinda funny…the more I think about some of the things he’s said or done over the years, the more driven I am to get to school on time. He’ll say something, or do some little thing, and I go to my “Happy Place”. I don’t think he much cares for that place. Just makes me wanna do it even more. O.K…Maybe I am a button pusher. Hey… you guys know how it is! Frankly. I am tired of spending my time at the therapist with all of these problems, that I now have because of his actions. I am finding that I feel better when I focus on ME. I would love it if things were to work out. But realistically, I don’t see that happening. Even if they seem sincere…ya just never know whats goin on in those little heads of theirs. My husband told me he felt terrible after he’d leave the spa. That he would sit in the car and cry. I remembered the days he would come home from work unusually happy. So much so, that I knew something was up. I saw the guys leaving the spa, and they didn’t look so “sad” to me! In fact, they were all smiling & adjusting their “guy parts” looking around to make sure they didn’t get caught. I spent an evening feeling bad for myself. Had a couple of drinks & hung out in the spa parking lot one night. As the guys would come out from the spa (lookin all kinds of happy!) as they would approach their cars I would say “Hey…I think I know your wife!”. Suddenly, they didn’t look so happy. I guess I did kinda “suck” the fun out of it for them. Oh well. Think about it… it must really suck to be them. They all have loving, devoted spouses who would never treat them in such a way. My husband actually thought the prostitute option was better than having an affair. Because he just loved me so much. What an insult! That’s just F—–UP!!! They seem to have an answer for every thing. Except when you have to call them out on something. Then they can’t remember, or say they never said that, and lets not forget the classic hang the head & look sad I don’t know act. When I caught my husband in phone sex (shortly into our marriage) I insisted we go to therapy. I remember our first of three visits. My husband told the therapist and myself, that he didn’t see the problem with the phone sex and porn. That it was a way to get what he wanted without cheating on his wife. I remember the therapist saying to me that he would keep doing it, because HE didn’t think it was wrong. And here I am 20 years later. Now he suddenly wants to change after 30 + years of this type of behavior. His latest thing is telling me that some things are just to hard to talk with me,to embarrassing. I guess it’s just easier, less embarrassing with a prostitute?! Think he would do it again in a heart beat if given the opportunity. They all of the sudden are going to get, or be taught a conscience? I think that they do think they love you, but their conscience is so seared, they don’t even know what that is. OBVIOUSLY. Gotta run. It’s off to buy school stuff! Love You All XXX
Yay for Bambi!!!!
I heard that “happy” mess too, and replied with he had everything in the world, he had it all, but he never saw it and never will. His problem, not mine.
Be good to you, sounds like you are, and you will get stronger and stronger and he will mean nothing to you. They prey on our weakness, they need us weak so they can feel powerful. The stronger you get, the more insults and abuse will occur, so beware.
My mother and many friends had to wake me up and point out how abusive he was….I never saw it, just always felt disrespected and not worthy….exactly where he wanted me. I got myself back, by researching and watching and knowing the full truth.
Never thought that would happen to me, and never saw it coming. Makes you lose complete sight of yourself.
It was very telling when we first went to a counselor and he had to list what a wife and a husband are supposed to be. Apparently my roles were to keep the social calendar, remain attractive, take care of the children and home.
That was it.
Note to Joanne- Joanne, I have every email (including his letters with his lovers) and so much material if you need anything for your book. Everyone I know has said I need to make this public somehow (they told me to write a book) because it is so shocking and so wrong and women need to be warned. People come to me now when they fear the same thing is happening to them, and what I have discovered is there are two kinds of people. Those that want to pretend it’s not true so they don’t have to deal with the horror of it and those that want every bit of truth and the right to decide for themselves if they want to be with who their spouse. The second kind hurts, but it is a short lived hurt compared to a lifetime.
CHALLENGING THOUGHT. I was in a physically abusive relationship lasting 3 years. I was 7 months pregnant when he decided to push me down a flight of stairs. That was it for me! I gave him 4 chances to get it right…and then I kicked him out, and never saw him again. No regrets. There are some similarities in my marriage of 30 years to my SA husband. Though he certainly doesn’t see things that way. He actually said to me shortly after finding out he had been seeing prostitutes…”You need to get over it”. “You act like I beat you”. At one point…I had caught him chatting with 20 year old girls. He didn’t see the problem with that. In trying to figure out where it was I went wrong, my husband convinced me that I had not given him everything he thought he needed to be “complete”. A child. My husband knew I wasn’t able to have any more children before we got married. This came after we had already been married for several years. I was in my LATE 40′s. diagnosed with HCV, working, and going to school. He said he always felt that things would be different for him had we had a child. He wanted me to investigate having a surrogate. I had to explain myself, and why I thought this was a particularly bad idea. (any one else think the same!?) Two years later,I ended up on a year and a half of ALPHA B2 Interferon treatments, thanking my lucky stars I hadn’t gone down that road with him. I already had 2 sons from a prior marriage, grown with children of their own. I think these guys are extremely abusive in their own way. A very cunning and manipulating way. You don’t really see it coming, and it takes a while before you are able to add things up. All of their excuses, the minimizing of their activities,, making you feel like it is somehow your fault for their actions, the apologies, the romancing afterwards, the promises, and then it starts all over again. My therapist tells me that I didn’t get here over night and it will take time to get ME in order, so that I am able to make the right choices for ME. As it is ALL ABOUT ME now. My therapist also asked the question… “how long would you stay if he were physically abusive”? That made me think really hard about my situation. It has taken me a while to get it straight, but I am on my way. I took out a student loan, got excepted into college, have some GREAT support, faith in myself, and am going back to school. Getting my degree in psychology (there’s a SHOCKER!!!) I am still in my home for the time being. He is trying to be supportive and is going to psychologist (as court ordered) I still hear things fall from his lips that tell me nothing much has really changed. And that’s O.K. I am getting to point where I am taking better care of ME and not so worried so much about trying to “figure him out” or try “helping” him figure him out. I am finally O.K. with any thing that may happen. I am even prepared for attempts at sabotaging my efforts in school. I am feeling very good about myself these days. He has let me know that his feelings were “hurt” by my actions. He has said that he feels I am leaving him “behind”. That I just seem to be going ahead without him, not caring about his feelings. He also has said to me that saying he would try not to do “those things” any more should account for something. He doesn’t get that this is it. After 30 years of lies and manipulation, every time he was caught, saying he wouldn’t do “those things” again, and yet here we are. He can’t get his head around why I am having a hard time trusting and believing in his sincerity. I have told him that it is my wish to stay in my home, but that I am continuing with my plans. That if he was successful with his therapy,GREAT. If not… I would be fine walking away from the whole mess. That I had to be “realistic” about my situation. My frankness, I think was a bit much for him, but that is not my problem. His “HAPPY” is not my responsibility (as he has tried many times to push on me) “I’m not happy, unless you’re happy”. Guess he was expecting that his being with prostitutes, and going to spas would make me “happy”??? He was “happy” until he was caught…BOTTOM LINE! So…Hi Ho…Hi Ho…It’s off to school I go!!! It’d be nice if things were to work out, but I don’t give it much hope. These guys have LONG histories of this type of behavior…they think they can make you believe they will suddenly now change just because they have been “court ordered” to therapy, or simply “want” to stay married all of the sudden!?? It is “abusive”. They don’t have a conscience, and don’t care about YOUR feelings, only theirs. You can’t make some one have a conscience, or care about you the way you care about them. It is a waste of energy and time and is EXHAUSTING to say the least. Tired of being tired, wasting time and energy on him trying to make him “happy”, trying to help him, help himself to get to “happy”. Finding it much more productive to spend that time helping myself. LOVE YOU ALL XXX
It is abuse. My ex was said by the courts to be ND and sociopathic. He himself said he could box off different aspects of his life, that he could not understand why he could lie so well, even one time exclaimed “oh my God, I’m a psycopath” when he realized that people with conscience just cannot lie hugely everyday over and over about everything. He said nothing ever seemed wrong until I found out, but he knew it was because he hid everything and lied. he continued even after I found stuff. My number one comment to him was that he knew exactly what he was doing everytime he did it and he chose to do it over and over.
He not only denies all his abuse (physical and mental)but claims I am clumsy and broke my own bone (he smacked me), or slipped all by myself (he shoved me hard,air borne, in front of our child). I was physically abused by him whenever I discovered or got close to discovering more affairs or porn…they get really pissed when you step in their real world. He could not give up who he really is.
He denies and blames to this very day….and told me I was not a good woman for years. Oh, I am a bad person too, and he loves writing me emails with that comment and stating everyone will know just what a bad person I am (by the way, did not cheat on him, did not abuse him, was only good to him in everyway)…..I blocked his emails because I have determined the only way to stop his abuse on me is to not let him have a piece of me in anyway shape or form….no sight, sound, or response in anyway. He gets no more of me, game over.
He also could tell me exactly what my thoughts were, because what I said I felt, he said I did not and would proceed to tell me exactly what my thoughts and feelings were. They discount you in everyway, give you no value at all.
And best of all, he claims he is a nice guy and goes to great pains to try and appear as such (with everyone else)…One therapist saw the secret pictures he took of himself (I laughed when I saw them) and termed him a peacock. I always called him a rooster.
Anyone of you ever read the letters your husbands wrote to others? I did, for years all he did was bad mouth me and lie about me, but to my face acted like I was the best thing ever….until I would confront or ask for something for myself, or demand respect.
No voice, no truth, no caring, no consideration, no faithfulness, no safety, no worth, no value….it all means abuse. My ex just happened to hit too, but the lies, put downs, and false reality he put me and our child through is the worse abuse.
I don’t really need to give this idea/concept any thought because I have always thought of it as an obvious abusive situation. Also, in everything I have read re sex addiction and NPD and every comment made by every person affected, it would seem that noone can persuade me that sex addicts do not have narcissistic personality disorder or borderline NPD or that someone with NPD does not have an addiction with sex on some level, objectifying women, compartmentalising and easily betraying loved ones with no thought or regard for loved ones for the sake of a high which is used as a medication for inner turmoil. A relationship with someone with this disorder is also abusive. The cycles and behaviours involved are startlingly similar and seem to almost mirror each other. Does anyone else agree?
Thank you for these observations. Today I have been thinking about my husbands taste for porn etc, but also what I think he also has developed a taste for—being cruel to me. This is the piece that scares me most. He used his porn and other acting out as a way of punishing me when something good happened in my life, or making me pay for a privilege he wasn’t getting himself. Just like his emotionally abusive mother, he is very good at being cruel. Once he becomes “sober”, there is no guarantee that he won’t continue to be cruel. There is something in him like “entitlement” that I sense about it. And my job is to make sure there is no sense of “deserved” in me. Meanwhile, every layer of truth-telling makes it harder to imagine this marriage surviving. But then again, it never was a marriage, I guess.