Yes, I have PTSD. I trigger horribly and have panic attacks now, and I can barely go through a day without something beating up when I least expect it.

I have been cheated on before, I was married to a narcissist, but at least these people were cads on the surface and I have only myself to blame for being involved with them.

This man was a consumate, compulsive liar, passive aggressive, multiple addict who loves his self hate and misery most of all. Yet, I believed him, completely, and was totally blind sided that he could be so cruel.

Part of me wishes I could care and stay in my kindness and be strong and all adult. The other is furious that I have to live through this and he gets to claim ‘recovery’.

My mind ‘gets’ his internal turmoil and self hate. My heart will never understand how he could choose me to take it out on, and worse, that I would buy his total bullshit. I do not believe he was here to heal my pain of my childhood, only that my pain left me open for his manipulation to take advantage of me.

Blessings on us all.

I guess I have many things to share with you.

My SA and I were not living under the same roof when I posted this, but we were still working for reconciliation. That hope was dashed when we approached disclosure. As a person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (most SA spouses have this), the disclosure event was carefully planned around my needs in consultation with my therapist. The possibility of more trauma was impossible for me to face. As we got closer to the date, my SA started to change our plan (that he agreed to) and create an unsafe environment for me, including his 12 step therapist attending so she could “look for” my co-dependent tendencies. This was NOT the purpose of the event, and tried to put me on the on the blame train. I cancelled the whole thing, realizing my SA and his therapist were not safe people for me to be around. We are not reconciled. Later, when we told our adult sons about his addiction, and had agreed to the limits of detail etc, he sabotaged me then and got away with it. 80% of what he told the boys I did not know, and it was horrible. It was devastating. So he got his ambush disclosure event, and it took me months to recover.

That’s my story in brief. Now here’s what’s really important…what I’m worried about in your story!

This is FAR TOO SOON for you to experience a disclosure event. YOu have not been properly assessed or cared for BY YOUR OWN TRAUMA THERAPIST (not a 12 step person). You will, without a doubt, have many of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms, and like most of us, you may have most of them.
What his therapist is condoning is abusive and very very wrong here. You need someone caring for you with your best interests, not the SA’s best interest’s in mind. The whole 12 step, and S-Anon program is designed for them to be the centre of the world. So, although it has helped my SA become sober, it does not address the narcissism of the addiction, and perpetuates it by casting the wife in a role where she must declare herself co-addict or co-dependent too, JUST BECAUSE HE IS!!!

Please get your own therapist. Please tell your SA and his therapist that you are not ready to bear more trauma right now. If they argue with you, run as fast as you can the other way. Follow your gut. If you know it’s too much, do not let yourself be bullied.

After I experience the ambush disclosure event, it was months of new recovery for me, and I still shake when I recall what I learned. He robbed me of every single moment of my married life.

I am sorry that I don’t have better news. YOu have experienced such terrible thing that none of us should go through. But it is crucial that you stand up for what you know you need. Because even if you can reconcile and begin again, he will need to know your boundaries and that you will stick to them.

Elsewhere on the site, JoAnn has three excellent audio interviews with Dr. Barbara Steffens—talking about the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for partners of SA’s. Her book is really excellent and I think you can order it from this site too. Listen to the audio files. It will help you understand and frame your feelings in a way that does not diminish your SA’s struggle, but puts yours on the table as well.

lots of light for you.
Diane.