Josie sent me her story of her husband’s porn addiction. She feels guilty even considering leaving him if he is ‘working on his issues’. Here is Josie’s story.
porn keyboardHi JoAnn,
I feel like no one can understand my story unless they’ve experienced it. I also feel like I can read someone else’s SA, like a book, but not my own. I always give him the benefit of the doubt, but we’re I am outsider, question of that is the advise I’d give myself. Here is my story and dilemma:

I have been married to my husband for 8 years, and found out about his sex addiction when I was 6 wks pregnant with our first child, almost 3 yrs into the marriage. I chose to stay bc of that child. He did immediately go to therapy individually, as did I (including couples), but he didn’t really follow through on what he was supposed to do. When our son was 8 mo. I asked him to leave bc I found emails soliciting sex on Craig’s list while he was away on business (something he claimed he never did until then). He did just enough to get back into the house, and by the time my son was 18 mo. he had a million excuses as to why SA meetings didn’t work for him and he stopped going to therapy. Things were decent, and we had another child.

My husband became obsessed watching me with other men when we were dating. Even though I hated it, I indulged it beginning when we were dating and stopped when trying to conceive my son. Since then he’s still tried to convince me to do it. Wanting to talk about it during sex, etc.

Last year, he kept pressuring me to sleep with a man from my gym, who I’d befriended and really adore. I told my husband that if I did it, it would be for me, and it would be for emotional reasons. He replied, “I don’t care if you get that from him,” with the attitude of getting out of having to do it himself. So I thought, if he doesn’t care, why do I? And it was amazing. First time I’d been happy in years. Had sex that meant something, and had found someone who just loved spending time with me whether we were having sex or not. I have given this relationship up on a romantic level at the request of my husband. If he hadn’t pressured me to sleep with him, I wouldn’t have in the first place, but I miss this person And the way that I felt when I was with him.

Once my husband started to figure out that I was emotionally involved with someone else and that he was losing control over me, he became physically aggressive. Although he didn’t lay a hand on me, he threw things at me, and was downright frightening. I figured if he actually hit me, it would mean sole custody of the kids, so I egged him on a few times, but he was wise to motive (as he called me out on it). I thought for sure I would just divorce him as soon as I had the money.

Meanwhile, he did go back into therapy and has made some changes. He is more attentive to my needs and seems genuinely interested in my day. And he has always been supportive and helpful throughout our entire relationship when it comes to daily functioning. The day-to-day is great, other than I have no desire to have sex with him.

During his treatment, even though he claims his therapist said it was unnecessary, he had given up porn bc he felt more connected to me and our children. He said he felt better. Come to find out, he had been viewing porn for the past 6 months on a site wherein he had a profile he supposedly closed.

To me, this indicates that he hasn’t really changed. Does anyone out there agree? I feel as though he has deceived me yet again. I have never met his therapist (which is odd-apparently therapist says no), but other therapists we have been to have advised him to give up porn. When he gave it up seemingly on his own, I actually had hope for real recovery. His initial reaction was to blame me because we aren’t having enough sex, which is ridiculous bc he’s always used porn, even when we were having lots of sex. He took responsibility, of course, after I pointed out that he should. Then he tried to tell me that he didn’t disclose the porn use bc he get he was entitled to some privacy, and that I didn’t really care about porn in the past. I tried to explain that my biggest issue is the fact that he let me believe that he was sober from porn for 6 mo. And that he gave it up bc it made him feel more connected to me.

Most of me would love to leave this relationship. Free myself of it. But I feel that he gets to stick it to me again if I do by turning me into a part-time mom. I love my kids and can’t bear the thought of being without them, and I feel selfish for wanting a divorce that is destined to turn their little worlds upsidedown.

I also feel guilty leaving the marriage and splitting up the family when he is “working on his issues”.

I would appreciate any insights, and am thankful for any support.