I have posted here several times, but have never shared my story. It is time I did.
Mine did not end with my husband caring enough to get help and change his ways. He got worse, I divorced him.
Same story as many here. I got a phone call from him one day. He meant to call another woman he had just met out. He skipped work a lot (he was an executive), so when I thought he was working or working late, or on a business trip, he was really out with others or at his strip clubs. When I got the phone call he did not recognize my voice or that he had dialed me, even repeated him self when I said “what?”….then got angry when I calmly told him it was me, who did he mean to call. He just lied (and really fast) about being with a male friend at lunch and calling him…but no guy talks to another guy like he was talking.
Red alert, I called my sister and she told me how to check a cell phone. I felt so sick.
I checked his phone when he got home, and there were three messages from other woman, one a stripper. One was even his secretary letting him know another woman had called and he needed to call her back. I thought his secretary was my friend, so hearing that voice mail really hurt. Turns out everyone at his company knows he was a player.
When I called his family for help to help him, his sister immediately blamed me and stated that it takes two the make infidelity happen. His family has not contacted me or our son in 4 years, not even a birthday card for my son, no support, no concern, they enable him to continue by blaming me and praising him.
He lied and lied until I played the voice mails….and then he lied more about the nature of the woman. I must say there is a history of absurd lying. He lied to me the entire first year we dated because he was separated then, but told me he had never married and had no children. He told me the pictures of his three daughters were his nieces, his wife his sister. He told everyone this, even my parents and son, all my (our)friends. A friend called me to tell me he was married with three kids a year later when she found out.
All my family and friends now tell me they never trusted him, they always felt like he treated me wrong, and that he is a player. They just never said anything because they had no proof, they just felt it.
When I found out he was married that first year and confronted him, the reason he said he lied was that the woman who introduced us had gone out with him and he had never told her he was married. He did not want her to think badly of him….I was like, what? Continuing being a liar is better? He went out with her when his first wife was pregnant and they were still together. I was horrified, I insisted he get help, he went one time, said the therapist said he had a lot of issues, he came clean with everyone, seemed sincere, ate crow, all the things you would expect, and I thought well he’ll not lie again, he is remorseful, he was traumatized by his wife leaving, etc. etc…made excuses for who I thought was a normal person who made grave mistakes.
He is not normal.
I did not know people could lie daily and pretend so well…..I now know that there are real monsters that have no empathy and no conscience.
So fast forward into eleven years of marriage, and as each year went by he seemed to become more and more irrational and mean. He would be angry at me and tell me I was not a good woman, but then next I was the most “ravishing” “smartest” woman he had ever known, he talked about me and bad mouthed me behind my back to his family and ex-wife (she helped perpetuate this) and his girlfriends, friends and daughters. I found these degrading emails about me when I went on the search for truth after the phone call (when he meant to call the other woman) he made to me by mistake 4 years ago. I made the mistake of always asking him what was going on when I found things….he always lied.
I discovered a double life, I pieced it together and found that when he was the cruelest to me it was when he had an affair going on. I found social networks, emails, voice mails, pictures (he took them of himself too and they are so vain and sexual), and as I got better at researching I found the disgusting porn sites he paid for, the disgusting male friends he engaged in devaluing women with, the awful and false portrayal he made of me to others. I found his secret password to open documents and read his letters to and from the other women, listing details of their activities. One woman I contacted and she filled me in, horrified because he told her we were in a bad marriage and so on…..I still did not excuse her mentioning that she knew he was married, even though he lied to sway her. He is a complete different person from what he pretended to be. We went to church every Sunday and were very involved, his insistence. We played this perfect family, but I wasn’t playing, I worked and loved hard. He was completely false.
He has to have admiration of others, and women are easy. He brags a lot, he lies a lot, he fools everyone. He is a narcissist. I called him a rooster, my therapist (after I found all this and everything crumbled) told me the official therapy term is a peacock. He also has no regard for others (empathy) and no qualms at all lying and looking you straight in the eyes, daily, even with proof in your hands. No conscience is a sociopath.
He uses people for his own gratification, not one person means anything to him except for how they can make him feel. He lives his life fooling everyone.
When I kept finding more and more concrete proof and he could no longer lie, he got violent because he was discovered and I required he get help, that was the only way I would consider not filing for divorce. He hit and pushed and lost it instead, he blamed, he belittled me, he did the most cruel things to me to try and bait me so he could blame me….he actually tried several times to force me to react, so he could make me the cause of divorce, so he could even have me jailed. He even forced a knife in my hand once and tried to stab himself, with my hand, so he could claim I was trying to stab him…..and I was so stupid and trusting and hoped and prayed and met with his therapists….everything…..but he never felt remorse, actually only cried when thought about how what all he had done said about him. He never cared about what it did to me, or our son. If they can’t care, then therapy is just another game. Everything is a game to him a strategy.
He began to hit and push. Broke my finger, threw me to the ground or across the room….he was losing control of the situation because he controlled everything with lies, and I was now looking and finding them. Daily, many women, so many lies to everyone. The strip club, he knew the strippers personally, had their numbers, met them outside the club. He became very infatuated with one and even opened a business for her.
Shopping trips for strippers and other women, and I was never allowed to spend a dime, I just figured he was a tight wad, but I at the time did not mind saving for our family and future. I did not know that so much money was being spent, and on strippers and that he had other women.
As I found more and more, the shock of how deep, how dark, how sick he is, and then his “frustration” and blowing up at me became so great. and the horrible insults, his leaving for days at a time as I found affairs, more and more, I finally filed for divorce. I hung on so long, prayed, cried, begged, but he just continued and went beserk and lied and lied. He then promised to see a new therapist that was supposed to be the best (he did not like the others), and I cancelled the divorce and then he cancelled his therapist appointments. Turns out my lawyer did not cancel the divorce even with my letter, which I guess he knew my husband would not stop. Two months after cancelling (which did not really cancel, but I did not know that), he left my son and I stating nothing was wrong with him, that he is a good guy, that I am crazy, and he was going to do what he wanted to do, no woman is going to tell him what to do, he wants to be happy and be himself and I stopped him from that, and I should just forget about all his affairs and lies and trust him, that he does not need a therapist but I do….and so on and so on….and my favorite….he is going to live and be happy and make the best decisions for me and our son.
I changed the locks the day he left.
He is at the strip clubs or girly bars nightly still. We have been apart 3 years, divorce was final about 6 months ago. He has since gone about 200k in debt (we had no debt and this debt is all related to looking like a big shot for the ladies), been fired from his executive job of 20+ years because of mistreatment (verbal abuse) of his employees (educated good people) and financial/contract shady stuff. He had court ordered supervised visits, I allow him no contact with me, I live scared because I know what he is, he is court ordered to therapy, but he does not show….he is a nightmare.
People still call me telling me they see him out trying to pick up teenage and 20 something women. He is in his 50’s. He has a girlfriend now and is cheating on her, but she would never believe it. He has her so fooled, he fools everyone. Well, not everyone, but quite a few people. He sure fooled me for many years.
The best thing I ever did was sever any access to me. He never cared in anyway about me or our family and I had to finally, as painful as it was, realize that any of his attentions were to hurt, use, or manipulate. It was the only way to to stop the abuse, to not feel like I was losing my mind finding out that what I thought was truth was just another lie. Everything he says is a distorted, twisted perspective, a way to use people, mostly women.
I keep holding strong, fighting him in court, being mistreated still by non payment from him of court orders, continued insults, and constant fear.
I will never forget crying, utterly grieving as I found another lie and another affair after promises of no more lies and no other affairs, and him following me around as a cried with a video camera filming me crying as he insulted me, degraded me, told me how worthless I was….all to try and make me react so he could film me his he caused me to lose my mind….which I never did…but how it hurt, and he smiled as he ran the camera.
He is still out there pretending, fooling women, it is always the women.
Moving Forward,
Its not the size of their penis–lol.(don’t want to go there, but I know of one SA with a ginormous member which he just loved to show off, in person, on Craig’s List–whatever)
Its the size of their ego which is either hugely inflated or hugely deflated and the fact that they are sexualizing their pain instead of finding (far) healthier outlets of expression. That is, for the “healthier” sex addicts. However, some are so personality disordered, that its probably better not to try and make too much sense of their nonsense antics.
About cyber-bullying through emails. That is harassment and it is against the law. If you can. (I am horrible at this), remain calm and tell him (in writing) that you will not tolerate being bullied and harassed and if he cannot write civil messages to you, you will have to get a restraining order. And then, if he persists, follow through. Save everything.
Otherwise I’m with you, honey. I’m 55 and ya know what… as conceited as this sounds–
I’m still a beautiful, smexie woman. In fact, I am even MORE beautiful than when I met that fucktard 25 years ago. There’s no quick fix here, for me, but we are taking steps to divorce. 52 is still young. Lots of men love women this age, cause we obviously don’t want to make babies anymore. And besides, you just got rid of a really huge one! 
my best,
Lexie
Reading all these stories has made me cry but also made me feel that I am not alone. It is scary to go against these narcissists sociopaths, you have to protect yourself and your children against their bullying, because that is what they are, bullies. Why do they need us, ones that they can live with for 20 plus years yet treat like we are nothing but dirt on the floor? Why do we stand for it? because we take for love the sexual attention that they give to us. What can we do to put out there that they are the ones that are crazy. I have started again with nothing at the age of 52 with the economy the way that it is, not being able to get anything that I have worked hard for. Is it the size of their penis that has them acting this way? mine also had a small penis. the way they were raised? trailer trash is what they are deep inside.
We are what they really want to be but can’t so they dominate us to feel worth while. It is all so exhausting. My kids are safe and I am far away and he still feels the need to bully thru emails
Finally filed after 22 years of marriage, after attending a Celebrate Recovery meeting, working through the workbook on my denial. Denial is the toughest, it requires us to form masks to hide our pain, medicate our pain. Instead of your focus on him, make your focus, YOU and your virtues, goals, ambitions, God. Truly finding God healed me, and He will heal you also. Even making yourself a higher priority may seem impossible because your self esteem has eroded. The denial also starts crumbling when you start living your passion. When I started a hobby business, a few years before I filed for divorce, my self esteem improved. I formed friendships with people that showed me kindness. I realized I was lovable, and deserving of kindness. Only then did his temper tantrums, duplicity with his identity, appear clearly unacceptable. When I started improving mySelf, independently, he didn’t fit anymore. When we love ourselves, contrast between the sociopath’s self hatred and our self love shatters our denial into thousands of pieces. Ground zero is ok, he was my training ground where I proved myself strong, and its better than the subterranean life I was living.
I just read my story. Change strips clubs for cyber sex, chat rooms, web cams etc… I am just getting the hate and evil now. Yes I caught him and his lies. The voilence in his words is unbelievable. I am just literally a nothing to him and it is amazing one human being can be so very cruel to another, it is pure evil.
OMG. I read your post, but it’s late so I haven’t had the time to read the responses. Your post could have been written by me! The affairs, the extended family, the lies, THE KNIFE. I am leaving a short reply as I don’t have time to reply fully as I have work in the morning, but I know how crazy-making such behavior makes you feel. I just wish I had found sites like these when my husband threatened me with a knife to orchestrate our separation to be with the OW after years of bullying, criticizingly, lies, crocodile tears when I finally saw through his behavior, my need to ‘help him’ through the messes he put himself in (just to help HIM / keep the family together as I believed for the greater good) etc. His mother once called me a ‘whore’ – it transpires he told her that I was having affairs which was absolutely NOT true, he told his sisters that he was the main carer for our child (when we went to visits, he would ask me is he could sort our child so they saw him as a great dad, so I let him change our child’s nappy etc!). Our divorce was a nightmare, he left after 10 yrs leaving me with debts untold, and walked straight in to a relationship with his OW whom he’d been seeing for a year, which is something i discovered much later on… How he did this was unbelievable, as he was at home every night, so how he found the time. He threatened me with taking custody of our child, and it was then I started digging. He advertises himself on sex-dating sites, locally, and even single-parent sites still! His girlfriend hates me as he has spun so many lies. They do lead double lives, I want you to know that. You have already stated as such. It hurts, that you have been a human being and trusted this man. You have to accept you are not to blame, however many times you will go over a certain situation you remember, especially when you recall him saying that it was YOU. I have typed far too long. I just appreciate that you are going through hell, I couldn’t just go to bed not letting you know that your situation is NOT unique. I found help reading articles about NPD. My now ex wasn’t diagnosed, but if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and behaves like one… I wish I could put you in a time machine and project you 3 years from now, you WILL see you have come out of this so much better. After all, you have your son, and you don’t have him in your life. I wish you the very best x
Oh, sorry… I should have mentioned that my blog is where Jeannette mentioned and the same at blogspot http://lavitaconscia.blogspot.com/ and now on Facebook so, I would love to put more than the http://marriedtoasexaddict.com address on any of the spots.
I have found that in the Domestic Violence world that emotional abuse is not a highly talked about topic or out in the open. I believe that we have to speak out and quit carrying wounds for the rest of our lives. There is no “getting over it.” If I had a scar on my face, people would be reminded of my pain and understand, but no one cares about the suffering inside…what lingers…
Hi, LaVita Conscia from the Mindful Life blog… I just happen to wander upon this blog and happen to notice the mention from Jeannette on June 8th. Thank you for reading about the Square Pegs. It is so interesting that although I still continue to struggle of finding relationships with men that are abusive, I have come to a new awareness of what I can do within my own power to make my life different. I have just recently (like yesterday) ended (and hopefully I will stick to that) another emotionally abusive relationship. What is most devastating to me is that I truly believe that I have entered into a healthy relationship, only to find that I have been sucked inside the tornado to feed into my abuser’s narcissistic self absorbed world. All the while, I have been consenting to have every bit of life sucked away from me waiting for that bone of approval, of love, of respect to be rewarded to me for my loyalty and love. Fortunately, this time, my “V8 Moment” came a bit quicker, but that is only because of my decision to be more mindful of MYSELF in the situation and how I respond to what my abuser does to me. This helped me have absolute clarity of the situation, and to repeat what I was doing more than once, which validated that and did not allow my abuser to project his anger, frustration and inappropriate behavior on me. Only then was I able to break away. It is still hard, but I became clear of the degree of sickness inside him and it is greater than I had imagined. When I had allowed myself to be inside his sickness, I could not see. When I removed myself from it, I became mortified. I pray for all those that came before me and those that will come after. I pray that I will continue to be returned to myself and be the kind loving person that I am in this world. I pray that anyone that has suffered in silence and those that are suffering in the slightest, those who gather here to read on this website, those with memories of words that have brought wounds to our hearts, and scars to our souls forever, anyone beaten, battered and bruised in the silence of lies and deception will be free to trust and love again. Please carry kind hearts and love with you always, because it is your kindness and love that will keep you free from his misery and pain. This is what he desires to capture from you, as he has never know it for himself. This will keep you with your dignity and free from his chaos, anger and hurtful words and one day move you to walk away. May you be joyful, happy and free.
Lorraine, Love your rainman voice- lol. The devil definitely has him in a chokehold- a sex addict w/ a 3 inch thing! He used to ask me if I thought it was small and I told my friend that I always said oh no but was really thinking of saying, “Actually honey, I’ve never seen anything so big…ON A TODDLER!!! lol…
Thank you so much for your replies..so true about parading me around town like “look what I got.” It was horrible to be used by this person who continues on w/ all kinds of women, websites, ads, cybersex, everything and I am alone. The funny thing is that when I met him, I told him that I did not want to have sex until we really knew one another and in the last year and a half, he kept repeating that story to people and said that that’s how he knew that I was the one for him! I even got a 7K engagement ring three months after we met…I ended up throwing it out the car window a few months later when he tried to rip it off my finger… A nightmare that I was living but for some reason didn’t see what was in front of me. Why is it these guys can get women in the first place? My sex addict had money, flaunted it but is not attractive at all- but had charisma I guess…That’s a sociopath for ya…Thanks again for the answer to one of the questions that I couldn’t understand but I guess I was thinking like a human and not like a sex addict!
Laurie,
These guys need one woman who’s locked in, committed, always there, so they don’t run the risk of being without sex or company – then they can go out and “get a little strange,” as my sa once said, on the side. They want both.
If they were actualized human beings, who simply weren’t capable of or interested in monogamy, they’d be openly non-monogamous with other adults who wanted that.
They want to have their cake and to eat it too. It’s that simple. That’s why even when the monogamous relationship they are in is fun and sexual and stable – they still chase other woman. It’s quantity of quality!
I watched a documentary on netflix called, I am a Sex Addict. It gave me some insight into the mind of my partner, though I also wanted to kick the filmmaker many times while listening to him.
Hi Laurie,
Ahhh… that is the rub, now isn’t it???
I have pondered this very question myself and discussed it at length with my therapist.
Remember the Marquis de Sade— the root of the word “SADISTIC”???
That is why. They do it because they CAN and besides what fun would it be if he couldn’t fuck someone over, in the process???
Besides, you give him a great cover— a ruse— its all part of the con that he NEEDS. You are his front–wombman AND if you are beautiful, bright, talented, have great friends, social status, money– so much the better! jackpot!!! Any or all of those are all the better for him to strut you around to show the world.
“See the gorgeous babe I got—She’s crazy about me!”
He is ENTITLED. (or so he thinks) He is entitled to have the house and kids and the car and the boat and the vacations in the Bahamas—–AND whatever else his lil ol heartLESS desires.
I’m so sorry he used you like that. It sucks doesn’t it? 3″ huh? definitely not worth it. definitely not. (in my rainman voice)
LOL
One way, I think, to not get involved with another sex addict is to hold off on having sex. If he can’t wait— then good riddance! A man who adores and values and WANTS you will travel to the ends of the earth to be with you and wait for you forever and a day— until YOU are ready. I think that is so hot!
I am so glad that the narcissist/sociopath sex addict is being discussed rather than the ones that actually feel bad for what they are doing. My man is exactly the one that you girls are talking about…why do these guys want to keep us around though- wouldn’t it be so much easier to do all of their creepy stuff w/o a “committed relationship?” I found out and left that night- could not believe what I saw on his computer and phone..he told everyone that I was the one cheating and he was a victim!
And guess what…he is still on his web cam site thirty times a day with Romanian women…it’s actually hilarious to read the script b/c he says he has a nine inch thing and it’s actually 3 inches with Viagra on a good day!!! LOL
It crushed me at first but it’s been 2 months and I am actually having good days now and I know that he was just a nightmare that I once had and what are the chances of getting involved w/ ANOTHER sex addict? The hardest part was wrapping my brain around all of it- a year and a half that wasn’t real and figuring out that it had nothing to do w/ me.
But…I really want to know why they want to keep that one woman (us) I just don’t get that at all…
Have a good night everyone and if you are still living w/ your addict, I just don’t see that as ever having a happy ending cuz they don’t change…
Dear Sanityregained,
Thank you for sharing your very painful story—and be forewarned, I had a very lovely ballet class this morning and am feeling particularly frisky, today!
grrrr… A sex addict with no conscience whatsoever. I was involved in something with a lot of similarities, but not for nearly as long and never ever with any idea towards marriage. (shudder) What a gross pig!
Of course, *WE* are ALL stalkers and crazies, in their delusional eyes.
Clean up his life huh??? His is nothing but a toxic waste dump. Wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Yes, brava on your resolve. That is great, although, I know its not that easy and I also know that this must be so painful for you. Its just layers and layers of deceit that have no end. He thinks that he’s entitled to do whatever he feels like and with whomever he wishes, whenever he wishes.
That puppy needs to be on a much shorter leash. The wife has been slacking off a bit, it appears. Unless… like so many, she doesn’t know??? Oh dear… I did tell my predator’s partner (anonymously) which I think was the right thing to do, because her health was at risk and he was also killing himself. However, I did make some mistakes— Steep learning curve.
Now, these are just my thoughts and certainly nothing you have to do… It just enrages me that this f**ker gets away, scott free!
If he persists in contacting you after you’ve clearly told him to stop, which he probably will because he’s a narcissist who “needs” you (in much the same way that bacteria need a dark, warm place)… Call the Police and file a complaint for harassment and hopefully they will call his home when his wife is there. Then Delusional Dude will have some splainin’ to do.
Now, if ya wanna be really really nasty in a hell hath no fury kinda way… Here’s what I’d do. Write two letters— one addressed to the wife, and one addressed to him.(assuming you know his address and her name, if not, just type mrs. and the last name) If you need a return address, use one from a medical center and type it all out. No handwriting, No email, or cell/text(traceable) and no identifying yourself, either, just an official-type, very impersonal letter. In the letter, tell them that you are a woman who had sexual intercourse with “Delusional Dude” and you have contracted a serious STD and your health care provider told you to contact everyone who might have been infected. They can’t check because he won’t be able to get the records from any doctor and of course, if he contacts you—Tell him, you have no idea what he is talking about, but thank you so much for possibly giving you a loving parting gift. (yes, what’s good for the gander…) and then, call the police. You’re covered.
Don’t mail it from your zip code and don’t ever contact her or him ever again, for any reason, if you decide to go this route.
This is WAR!!! (Womanizing Asshole Revenge)
Godspeed!!!
Lorraine
This is such an OMG moment for me. My man is married and was in a relationship with me for 8 years.The same litany, as all of you mention here..”my wife is making my life miserable ” etc etc.He is so good at spinning stories that you buy every word that he utters.
I ended up totally sympathising with him and believed all the promises of marriage that he made to me.
A couple of yrs ago i started sensing emotional withdrawal.I kept asking if anything was wrong.He kept denying and continued with his usual “i dont know how to live without you ” and i love yous.
I then started my own investigation and what i discovered was filth.I am unable to find words to even remotely describe the filthiness i discovered.Women picked up from online chatrooms,visits to massage parlors,multiple partners,a woman in every city he travels to,personal listings on adult casual sex partner sites, online dating sites,online matrimonial sites,(he is 50 married ,and had me whom he had promised marriage after getting a divorce and he is on a site listed in 2 names as a 30 year old and looking for a wife !!).
The lies and stories are undescribable and too many to go into.
Th confrontation was unbelievable . I was told i was a stalker and that i invaded his privacy !!!.he cheats on me and thats his private life and i dont have a right to know !!
I walked out.He was shocked and thought there isnt reason enough for me to do so.he kept saying he would change and that i was his angel and he needed my help to become a better person.Yeah right !!
Its been a month.he texted me on my birthday trying to initiate contact.I have no intention of going back.
I just found out yesterday that he had been seeing prostitutes in the past six months and has been seeing one even after our breakup and after all his promises of wanting to clean up his life !!!
I was rereading Lynn’s story and the comments. In my comment I talked about sending his story to some of his family. I just wanted to add one addition about the alcoholic / mental family dynamics. I was shocked, not so much by the mother but the sister. What I didn’t understand about the dynamics and rules in alcoholic/mental families is that when the daughter went to the alcoholic and told them that they couldn’t see the grandchildren, that was within their family system. She was protecting her children. I am collateral damage / the outsider, not within the family system. That is what I didn’t understand about those dynamics and it was really depressing to me because I was counting on that sister to fight for her brother.
If you happen to be dealing with someone who comes from a alcoholic family, even though they are not an alcoholic, I would suggest you read multiple books on the dynamics that exist in these families. John Bradshaw is a good resource, there are others out there too. Just know there are different rules and they may affect you.
Thank you for sharing all of that Jeanette. You are right, the situations are often so strikingly similar– Yes, with twists, but the basic behavior of the SA being frighteningly consistent.
What is very interesting here, to me, is the reactions and behavior of the SAs original family.
Denial 101. Kill the messenger. Much easier than facing a blinding an inescapable truth.
Ahhhh… yes.. the seeds of dysfunction go far and deep. But don’t expect to ever figure it out or make sense of their responses and irrational behavior and definitely don’t expect the family, in the face of your own devastation, to be grateful that you only are doing your best to help all concerned.
They aren’t. (this is a whole other topic– that I don’t know much about. Perhaps JoAnn or someone else does.)
At least this was my experience as well. I realized in hindsight that this was not appropriate,(although, what IS appropriate?) but after I found out that my ex lover had gone to rehab, in true Lorraine-I-so-want-to-help-fashion and as a mother, I reached out to HIS mother. My lover had told me so much about her (and all of his family!)that I felt like I KNEW her, but of course, I didn’t. I projected my own thoughts of how I would feel if it were my son and felt her devastation and at least, I thought that she might want to know more about what had happened so as to be able to provide him the support that he needed… I know. Well, I called and told her that I was a friend of her son’s who had been involved with his “other life” and I was there if she wanted to talk… then, all she said was “I don’t wish to speak to you” and hung up on me.
Of course, I don’t blame her. It must’ve totally creeped her out..But again, when the sex addict’s real life and fantasy life come together– kaboom!
As for the SA blaming everyone but themselves. Yes, these are very angry, hurt, twisted people. The “niceness” is the con they use to extract their narcissistic supply and everything else that fulfills their pathological needs and some are so good at it, that its beyond scary.
It is so difficult to fathom that it is not personal. By that, I don’t think that most of them sit there and think of ways to hurt us, (despite how it appears.) Does a mosquito intend to hurt when he sucks out the blood he needs for survival?
The truth? Reality? It is all so distorted and befuddled that they often do not even realize that they are lying, so that when you ask for the TRUTH, or what REALLY HAPPENED, they are completely insulted and enraged because they already told “it” to you, albeit their totally false version of it!!!
I’ve been having vivid night-time dreams, recently with my lover in them. Actually, “dream” is not the right word— Its a never-ending nightmare and I just want it to stop, already. I wasn’t even married to him, so its nothing compared to what the rest of you are dealing with. But, I did care for him and loved him in my own way. Maybe a part of me always will. Despite rehab, and everything else, he’s supposedly doing, he’s still out there. There’s just still so much denial and down playing of what this devastating thing really is.
It just takes a very long time.
Lynn, my heart breaks for all the pain you have been through.
It seems the common thread that runs through all the relationships with a sexually addicted person contains deceit, lies, manipulation and betrayal. There are so many things in your story that I relate to. I would like to offer some additional thoughts on several of the things you have in the story. By doing this, hopefully when people can see examples or variations of the same types of behavior, it can help them recognize what is really happening in their life and hopefully they will share their version so it will expand our understanding.
Where you said, “When I called his family for help to help him, his sister immediately blamed me and stated that it takes two the make infidelity happen. His family has not contacted me or our son in 4 years, not even a birthday card for my son, no support, no concern, they enable him to continue by blaming me and praising him.”
Even after he left the way he did, I still cared about his humanity. The initial sexual abuse and subsequent activities that occurred when he was a child (10 ½ yrs old) to me was so demeaning that I grieved for what had been done and emotionally stolen from him. I felt that if he was gay and could not change his orientation as he said he wanted to, then he should not be ashamed of what he was. It was with that thought, I felt (actually I felt this from the beginning) that someone in his family should know the truth. It is the secrecy, hidden things and cover up that keep you slaves to the abuse and behaviors. There is a lot of validity to the expression “The truth will set you free”. Isn’t it the lies and deceit that has cost us so much pain? So I sent his parents and one sister a copy of his story (written by him, about 70% of his story). The reason I sent it to this particular sister is that she and another sister had the courage to tell their alcoholic parent that they would not be allowed to be around the grandkids if they continued to drink. I felt that she would read it and be absolutely pissed off and demand that her brother get therapy. To me the therapy wasn’t for him to come back to me – it would be so he could see what had been done to him emotionally and learn to understand and love himself, that he did not have to deceive people and destroy their lives.
Evidentally, the mother received her copy 1st and read it,she talked to the daughter and told her not to read it (I don’t know if the father saw it). At the time, I didn’t understand the rules of an alcoholic family (read John Bradshaw works on this type of family), those rules seem to be alive and well in his family. In retrospect the mother’s response does not shock me, but his sister’s response floored me. I thought the exposure of the abuse would infuriate her and she would fight for her brother, and insist that he get help. Much of what caused me so much grief, anger and heartbreak was what happened to him is terrible and I felt that he needed to understand what it did to him. When his sister had called me to say she was sorry we were divorcing, I tried to discuss some of the things and that is when she told me she hadn’t read it. She said her mother was very hurt by it, imagine that, she failed him when he was 10 and failed him now at 52. I wonder where all the cover up and deception came from. I have been devastated, my life has been completely torn apart, so what! His sister also said he would treat me right. Oh yah, I don’t think she knows that he had the whole thing planned, every detail and to the minute. Like the day he left to come for the moving of my belongings he had gone to the bank there in Canton, remove all the funds from the checking account and put it in a new account under his name only. He did the same thing to the savings account a few days later. One of the last things she said to me was “that he is her brother”. I didn’t expect her to hate him, or take sides, at that time I wanted her to help him and fight for him. Now, to me he is no longer a victim, but a perpetrator.
Where you said, “All my family and friends now tell me they never trusted him, they always felt like he treated me wrong, and that he is a player. They just never said anything because they had no proof, they just felt it.”
During the marriage my husband had gone to my friends and complained about me to them (never talked to me about the complaints). This actually happened very early on and other times in the marriage, I was so hurt and did not understand what or why it was happening. I thought he was such a wonderful human being, calm, kind, thoughtful, honest, caring, no ulterior motives and someone I admired. Listen to the “Price of Nice” cd by John Bradshaw about these ‘nice people. Isn’t this great, after all the deception, lies and betrayals, we now have to be suspicious of people who are too nice. I think I am going crazy!
My nephew told my sister, he never felt comfortable with my husband because when he lived with them for a short time while trying to find a home here in Lafayette. All my husband could do was criticize me. My nephew did not want to say anything or cause trouble, but it made a troubling impression. To hear that, I just wept, why was it so hard for him to speak kindly of me. Some have said it is the self-hatred he has. In Patrick Carnes book, “Out Of the Shadow, pg 19”, he states, The addict’s blame of other for all problems is another way to protect his secret life. Fault lies with the spouse … and, There is no acceptance of personal responsibility for mistakes, failures, or actions. This appearance of integrity further insulates the addict’s world from reality.
Where you said, “I did not know people could lie daily and pretend so well…..I now know that there are real monsters that have no empathy and no conscience.”
All I can think of is the blog on http://my.socialactions.com/profiles/blogs/my-abuser-covert-passive titled, “My Abuser – Covert Passive Aggressive: A Grown Man With a Child’s Ego…” Posted by LaVita Conscia on October 15, 2009 at 12:30pm and “Pegs Do NOT Go Into Round Holes!!!” Posted by LaVita Conscia on October 27, 2009 at 2:16am. For me this describes the monster I was married to and I thought he was the nicest person.
Where you said, “I made the mistake of always asking him what was going on when I found things….he always lied.”
That statement is so true, and lie is all they know how to do. We want to understand, they want to manipulate and deceive. They are incapable of telling the truth!
I can remember one time while working as a waitress, in the checkout room at the end of shift, someone put their money down and it was stolen. The management had all of us write a statement of what we were doing at that time. I was at a loss of what to write, you see I was counting my money and reconciling it to the days receipts. I wasn’t watching other peoples money or activities, I was doing what was required of my job. If you are not one who lies, deceives or steals, you don’t think like a thief – that is why it was hard to know what to write. We are operating under different rules than the Sexually Addicted person and cannot fool ourselves when we ask them what it is about, as if they are going to tell us the truth.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your story, sometimes we need someone to verbalize the same things we have experienced.
Oh Lynn…
You should see the contortions my face goes into as I cling onto your every word in knowing disbelief.
One thing though. I don’t think that your ex hates *you*. Actually, I think he’s crazy about you (and of course, just plain crazy) What he hates is that you didn’t play your little wifey-just-be-there-and-don’t-complain-and-let-him-have-his-fun-part. After all he works soooooooooooo hard and he’s soooooooooooo deserving of his “downtime” and his “fun”.
gag.
The world according to HIM.
He thinks he’s so entitled to do whatever the hell he wants and if you don’t like it, tough shit. You didn’t accept poor little him “as I is?”
tsk, tsk, tsk…
He’s got the script perfected, down to the last nuance. Its a performance worthy of a Tony! Unfortunately, his show is playing at the Theater of the Absurd!
I get the new girlfriend. She’s bought the CON, and he hasn’t done the bait and switch act on her—- yet, but what about wife #1 ? Apparently, she’s just a masochist.
Oh well, you have the truth behind you and they will too— one day.(unless, they are as sick as he is) I had a narcissistic friend 3 years ago. I thought he walked on water– at first… and then little by little the fog lifted, and his true form was revealed and the water? well it was actually, nothing more than sewer sludge.
eeeewwww–
You sound like a great mom and unfortunately, you got yourself in deeply with a very toxic individual. Getting out is much more difficult, but you’re hanging in there– just keep venting– here, if you need to!
I read something and I think I’ve said this before, or something to this effect, but its an aphorism that bears repeating… “there is no ill wind that doesn’t blow some good”. My mom always used to say that. In every failure or bad thing there is an opportunity that exists that would not have existed if that bad thing had not happened first.
I have experienced this so many times, in my life.
It doesn’t mean that bad things need to happen before something good will happen, but the bad things galvanize us into change and growth. If we can remember this in our dark times, I think its a good thing to hang onto. Its a tough one to remember when we are in the thick of things though. But, just do one thing… baby steps– for ourselves. Eventually, the storm will blow over and instead of this seemingly unending nightmare, all of a sudden, right in front of us will appear, a beautiful rainbow– funny, its really there, all of the time.
Warm Wishes,
L
Diane and Lorraine,
The disbelief from others for what he really is scary. Thank goodness I had all the proof, from hospital visits, emails, computer records.
My suggestion to anyone who ever has this sort of thing happen is to call the police the first time, don’t give chances. I just kept trying to be the good wife and help him, and as he told me, I did no good at all helping him, but I was really good at discovering. You cannot help them.
He truly has hit bottom, lost his marriage and family and his job in which he made a lot of money (part of the problem), his reputation….and NOTHING changed him.
I recently got a call from a friend who saw him again in the local Hooters trying to pick up a young waitress. She is friends with my friend and was complaining to my friend about this guy who was stating he is a multi-millionaire, wanted her, would take care of her…you know the scene. My friend looked over and sure enough it was my ex.
Multi-millionaire. Okay, I laughed when I first heard.
His poor girlfriend, she has fallen for all his lies and has no idea, defends him and even though I don’t know her, keeps coming to all our court dates. The only time I have met her is at our court dates, which I find really strange and disrespectful too. He brings his first wife to all the court dates too. And she does know all he did, but still stands behind him.
These are mature women, we are all in our forties, they know better. I have never done a thing to them other than be kind, one I do not even know, yet they keep standing behind him and going against me. Very strange.
I am glad I have all my evidence, because I am not a fighter, and all I do is just keep presenting the evidence, but I am so tired and court is so drug out, and so expensive. But I will protect my son and myself.
Reading the article on porn and children hit home, because he is so addicted he will expose my son. He already taken him to Hooters and other bars just because I asked him not to. He lies to my son about me (one big reason he got supervised visits). The only thing that keeps me fighting is to protect my precious boy and myself from anymore of his sick ways, and as much as I can I am going to do this. He really hates me, he hates that I exposed him, he hates that his secret life was found.
Lynn,
You were so brave to finally save yourself, after being caught in the cycle of abuse.
Thanks for telling us your story in all its gory details, and how it feels for you to be on the other side of it now. Still hurting, Still recovering, Still struggling, but safe and free.
We all want so much to think if we work hard enough, we can make the relationship work. But we aren’t that powerful. Sometimes our power is in stepping out of the abuse, and seeing what we can’t see when we are terrified, traumatized, and lying to ourselves. There are other options. But we have to let go of the one we thought we building, first.
I’ve read other posts here that reveal how much we will do to hang onto the dream long after we’ve discovered it wasn’t possible. I guess we all have different degrees of how much we can face, and when we can face it.
May you find more strength to deal with the trail he wants to leave behind you. I imagine God as a great big streetcleaner, here.
cheers
Diane.
Lynn— I’m sure that you are a beautiful woman too. These guys always choose the most beautiful, sensitive women, for that is what gives them the most sadistic pleasure. Hurting a beautiful woman. Its what they live for. I think to those who don’t know, who haven’t been involved with someone like this, it sounds preposterous–like surely, its an exaggeration at the very least.
But its not.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story.