Time does give us a different perspective on things. Even last year I would get depressed whenever I read those files. All the pain and anger would come rushing back as if it were happening right then.
Now, with almost three years of complete sobriety under our belts I am able to read those words with a remote objectivity. I see so many things that I did wrong, and so many that I did right.
This letter made me laugh. I guess I was just as ballsy back then as I am now. I hope it makes you smile. It’s word for word, unedited, written in August of 2007–almost three years after I first found out about his addiction and while we were still living apart in two different states. At this time we were considering moving back in together, but I still had my doubts.
I really feel that we are going forward on a good path. We certainly have enough love, intimacy and relationship issues to deal with, and we do not need to have the cloud of your addiction hanging over our heads.
So, here is the plan (you had to know there was a plan).
We will install the computer monitoring software on your computer when you come down here. I think that this will set a boundary for you. This may be all that we have to do. (I hope)
Now, let’s face it, you have used up all of your chances. There are no more. So, ANY crossing of a boundary takes you to the next level of restriction. This assumes you are living here.
One click on a yellow light website, even if it goes no farther, gets you blocks on your computer. In addition, you will no longer have any access to cash. Not even a penny. You will have to use your debit card for everything, and I will expect receipts for everything. I will check your debit purchases to be sure you are not taking out extra cash. If you are going to 12 step meetings I will go with you once a month, once a quarter or whatever and hand you the cash to make your contribution, watch you hand it over and wait for you until the meeting is over.
One phone call to a hooker, even if she doesn’t respond means that you cannot take your cell phone with you when you are alone any more.
One ATM or cash withdrawal, even if you don’t use it, means you hand over your debit card to me. You will only be able to buy gas, cigarettes, etc when I am with you and you will have to pack lunches.
If I suspect that you are somehow trying to get it for free we will install a GPS tracking system on your car with real time internet access and logs of times spent at every stop. If I suspect you are using a government car for illegal purposes I will have you tracked and prosecuted.
If that doesn’t work I will kill you—slowly and without a trace. Remember, I’m a nurse and I do know how to do it.
That’s the plan, plain and simple. I do think that it will work.
Well, it did work. I put monitoring software on his computer, which acted as a reminder to him that I would see everything that he did. For over two years he kept detailed receipts of every penny he spent. He gave me online access to all of his accounts; checking, savings, credit cards and phone bills. His paycheck was direct deposited, so he had no other cash. This worked to make me feel a little more secure that he was telling the truth. After three and a half years of being separated Larry moved back in with me last May. Things have been really good.
I’m glad it worked– I didn’t want to have to kill him!
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. ~ Proverb