Today I was looking through my journals (all electronic files on the computer), e-mails and chats that were written before and during my marriage to my Sex Addict husband.
Time does give us a different perspective on things. Even last year I would get depressed whenever I read those files. All the pain and anger would come rushing back as if it were happening right then.
Now, with almost three years of complete sobriety under our belts I am able to read those words with a remote objectivity. I see so many things that I did wrong, and so many that I did right.
This letter made me laugh. I guess I was just as ballsy back then as I am now. I hope it makes you smile. It’s word for word, unedited, written in August of 2007–almost three years after I first found out about his addiction and while we were still living apart in two different states. At this time we were considering moving back in together, but I still had my doubts.
Larry,
I really feel that we are going forward on a good path. We certainly have enough love, intimacy and relationship issues to deal with, and we do not need to have the cloud of your addiction hanging over our heads.
So, here is the plan (you had to know there was a plan).
We will install the computer monitoring software on your computer when you come down here. I think that this will set a boundary for you. This may be all that we have to do. (I hope)
Now, let’s face it, you have used up all of your chances. There are no more. So, ANY crossing of a boundary takes you to the next level of restriction. This assumes you are living here.
For example:
One click on a yellow light website, even if it goes no farther, gets you blocks on your computer. In addition, you will no longer have any access to cash. Not even a penny. You will have to use your debit card for everything, and I will expect receipts for everything. I will check your debit purchases to be sure you are not taking out extra cash. If you are going to 12 step meetings I will go with you once a month, once a quarter or whatever and hand you the cash to make your contribution, watch you hand it over and wait for you until the meeting is over.
One phone call to a hooker, even if she doesn’t respond means that you cannot take your cell phone with you when you are alone any more.
One ATM or cash withdrawal, even if you don’t use it, means you hand over your debit card to me. You will only be able to buy gas, cigarettes, etc when I am with you and you will have to pack lunches.
If I suspect that you are somehow trying to get it for free we will install a GPS tracking system on your car with real time internet access and logs of times spent at every stop. If I suspect you are using a government car for illegal purposes I will have you tracked and prosecuted.
If that doesn’t work I will kill you—slowly and without a trace. Remember, I’m a nurse and I do know how to do it.
That’s the plan, plain and simple. I do think that it will work.
jr
Well, it did work. I put monitoring software on his computer, which acted as a reminder to him that I would see everything that he did. For over two years he kept detailed receipts of every penny he spent. He gave me online access to all of his accounts; checking, savings, credit cards and phone bills. His paycheck was direct deposited, so he had no other cash. This worked to make me feel a little more secure that he was telling the truth. After three and a half years of being separated Larry moved back in with me last May. Things have been really good.
I’m glad it worked– I didn’t want to have to kill him!
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. ~ Proverb
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Carrie.
A broken leg?
3H boobs? Now how does he know this and why was she even in the car?
I remember half stories and such, but his story and his reactions seem to me that he is simply enjoying your reaction.
This scenario is just like the stuff that used to drive me crazy. The girls hitting on him everywhere he went “he said”…..till I found all his emails and it was him hitting on EVERY THING!
We all live in the real world, and people just do not get hit on the way our SA hubbies would like us to believe. What I found is mine was doing all the set ups and intros, not the other way around. Constantly…..and he still is with the girlfriend he is with now, and she has no idea.
Hi Carrie,
Boy, I read your posts and things really sound confusing for you. It sounds like you want to make a change, but I’m not sure exactly what kind of change you want. Maybe that’s a good place to start. It does get confusing when women begin to participate in the “acting out” of their SA partner. But it sounds like you don’t like it. Do you think your partner could become violent if you refuse? Are you and your baby safe with him? Do you have some money to go somewhere else while you think things through?
I think you need a therapist immediately to help you frame your feelings so that they aren’t so overwhelming. I also believe you shouldn’t have to do anything sexually that you don’t want to do. But I’m concerned that if you change “the rules” now, you might be in danger. So please make sure you and the baby are safe, and start working your options through with a therapist. You can do this. You can change the direction of your life in the way that is healthy and true for who you want to be. It starts with the first step.
We all wish there was any “easy out” of the messes we’ve been living in, but it’s mostly just hard work that’s really worth it in the end. You are worth the hard work. Believe it. And so is your baby. Don’t raise her in an environment that teaches her she is at the mercy of a man’s sexual compulsion. You can both do better than that. I’m sending you some strength and courage. Grab it and take the first step.
hugs, Jane.