Comments on: Part Two Of An Interview with Barbara Steffens, Author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/part-two-of-an-interview-with-barbara-steffens-author-of-your-sexually-addicted-spouse/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:53:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Lorraine http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/part-two-of-an-interview-with-barbara-steffens-author-of-your-sexually-addicted-spouse/#comment-6360 Lorraine Wed, 18 Aug 2010 02:54:39 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2888#comment-6360 Katie, I have also seen your posts and responded a couple times on the JWC (under a different name) and I just wanted to say that every time I read about your husband---I am just shaking my head in knowing, but incredulous disbelief and feel so very badly that you are being subjected continuously, to this demeaning abuse by your husband. Yep, he's another narcissist in addition to being a SA and it sounds like one, who's pretty far gone too--a compulsive liar and passive-aggressive abuser. How very painful this must be for you. What upsets me the most about someone like this, is the utter hypocrisy of their actions. If being married to you is so f**king bad, then why doesn't he ask you for a divorce? rhetorical question, of course. At this point, what is keeping you in your marriage? Do you have children and/or are there financial considerations? Do you have the support of a therapist and/or family and friends or a support group? Do you have some place safe to go, if that need should arise? I'm glad that you're here. xo, Lorraine Katie,

I have also seen your posts and responded a couple times on the JWC (under a different name) and I just wanted to say that every time I read about your husband—I am just shaking my head in knowing, but incredulous disbelief and feel so very badly that you are being subjected continuously, to this demeaning abuse by your husband. Yep, he’s another narcissist in addition to being a SA and it sounds like one, who’s pretty far gone too–a compulsive liar and passive-aggressive abuser. How very painful this must be for you. What upsets me the most about someone like this, is the utter hypocrisy of their actions. If being married to you is so f**king bad, then why doesn’t he ask you for a divorce? rhetorical question, of course.

At this point, what is keeping you in your marriage? Do you have children and/or are there financial considerations? Do you have the support of a therapist and/or family and friends or a support group? Do you have some place safe to go, if that need should arise?

I’m glad that you’re here.

xo,

Lorraine

]]> By: JoAnn http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/part-two-of-an-interview-with-barbara-steffens-author-of-your-sexually-addicted-spouse/#comment-6359 JoAnn Wed, 18 Aug 2010 02:50:19 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2888#comment-6359 Hello KatieMN and Welcome! I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, but as we all know here from personal experience, the only way out is through. I truly hope that you can find some comfort from the support and information here. If there is anything I can do please let me know. We are all here for you. (((((Hugs))))) JoAnn Hello KatieMN and Welcome!

I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain, but as we all know here from personal experience, the only way out is through. I truly hope that you can find some comfort from the support and information here.

If there is anything I can do please let me know. We are all here for you.

(((((Hugs)))))

JoAnn

]]> By: KatieMN http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/part-two-of-an-interview-with-barbara-steffens-author-of-your-sexually-addicted-spouse/#comment-6355 KatieMN Tue, 17 Aug 2010 15:57:48 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2888#comment-6355 Many thanks for this website and this video interview. This website has been more helpful to me than anything else so far after finding out my husband was physically unfaithful, sexually acting out with *at least 6 women* ( that he admits to so far; the number keeps increasing as time goes on) in our eight year relationship, and many other "online" relationships, on adult websites, hot-chatting, etc.He even flew a woman out from across the country, to have sex with, in the bed I purchased. "Trauma" is such a little word for the enormous pain and damage to my life his behavior has caused me. I feel as if I have been emotionally just destroyed. Everything I believed was a lie, and I feel my entire marriage has been a sham. The pain has been compounded by the fact our society seems to encourage and reward promiscuous men while covertly encouraging women to "compete" with each other. Most of my husband's "partners" knew he was married and did not care. They chose to believe his lies rather than ever contact me to find out the truth or even give me the benefit of the doubt. Not only do I feel unsafe with men now, I've been disillusioned by the behavior of members of my own gender as well. My husband has no empathy for anyone. He's used and betrayed everyone he's ever been in contact with. He's attractive, charming, and an amazingly good, compulsive, liar...he's even fooled his own therapist at times. I'm not sure he'll ever change because I'm not sure he really even wants to. When we separated due to the pain, he used the time alone to act out even more, adding additional hurt to me by slandering me to the women he used...and of course never told me about this when we made an attempt at "reconcilliation". He does not seem to have any normal emotional responses, a conscience or the ability to actually love someone. He's done so much damage to me and my life that all I can do right now is try to repair myself. Many thanks for this website and this video interview.
This website has been more helpful to me than anything else so far after finding out my husband was physically unfaithful, sexually acting out with *at least 6 women* ( that he admits to so far; the number keeps increasing as time goes on) in our eight year relationship, and many other “online” relationships, on adult websites, hot-chatting, etc.He even flew a woman out from across the country, to have sex with, in the bed I purchased. “Trauma” is such a little word for the enormous pain and damage to my life his behavior has caused me.
I feel as if I have been emotionally just destroyed. Everything I believed was a lie, and I feel my entire marriage has been a sham. The pain has been compounded by the fact our society seems to encourage and reward promiscuous men while covertly encouraging women to “compete” with each other. Most of my husband’s “partners” knew he was married and did not care. They chose to believe his lies rather than ever contact me to find out the truth or even give me the benefit of the doubt. Not only do I feel unsafe with men now, I’ve been disillusioned by the behavior of members of my own gender as well.
My husband has no empathy for anyone. He’s used and betrayed everyone he’s ever been in contact with. He’s attractive, charming, and an amazingly good, compulsive, liar…he’s even fooled his own therapist at times. I’m not sure he’ll ever change because I’m not sure he really even wants to. When we separated due to the pain, he used the time alone to act out even more, adding additional hurt to me by slandering me to the women he used…and of course never told me about this when we made an attempt at “reconcilliation”. He does not seem to have any normal emotional responses, a conscience or the ability to actually love someone. He’s done so much damage to me and my life that all I can do right now is try to repair myself.

]]> By: Lorraine http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/part-two-of-an-interview-with-barbara-steffens-author-of-your-sexually-addicted-spouse/#comment-5998 Lorraine Sun, 13 Jun 2010 17:09:21 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2888#comment-5998 Beau in French means "beautiful". and you are. Beau in French means “beautiful”.

and you are.

]]> By: Beau http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/part-two-of-an-interview-with-barbara-steffens-author-of-your-sexually-addicted-spouse/#comment-5944 Beau Sun, 13 Jun 2010 01:00:25 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2888#comment-5944 Hello everyone, I'm Beau- Lynn's BF. I've been lurking for awhile, just reading. I've seen so many comments that directly relate to the situation I was in for so long, and I can honestly say that I get what each of you are saying. In brief, my wife of 27 years was a sex addict from the start, always having a man on the side and several in reserve. I stayed with her for my kids, and the hope that one day she'd change. Of course that day never came, and after the kids were grown and gone I decided I deserved better. As with all SA's, she's quick to assign blame for her behavior to me, but I know that for all those years I never strayed once (and there were plenty of opportunities) and I was a good husband. That is simply how those people justify their actions- by blaming others for their unhappiness. As I've told Lynn- if someone is wired to accept adultery and SA as being acceptable, they see no problem with it and will continue that behavior their whole life. In their world they're doing nothing wrong, so there's nothing to change. They just have to get better at deceiving their spouse so as not to get caught. I do not believe they can be "cured" because that's how their brain works. My wife and I did the counseling thing, we talked, made promises, etc. In the end it was all for naught, as each time something came up she just used the experience to try and perfect her technique. All I can say is that you can't let your experience with a SA dictate how you lead the rest of your life. I met Lynn 2 months after I kicked my wife out, and I went into our relationship with an open heart and no preconceptions about how honest and sincere she was. Love is a gamble, and we've all spun the wheel at some point and lost. Lives have been devastated, dreams lost, trust destroyed. But you must ask yourself- will I let this person who betrayed and hurt me so terribly win by never loving or trusting again? To me, the answer is a resounding NO! I, and you, deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We're the good people, and if the bad ones are allowed to screw our lives up forever, they ultimately win. Every day that you spend hurting over the damage they caused is another day of your life they own. My ex is dead to me, and I give her no more thought than I would a stranger in a casket. She got 27 years out of me, and won't get one second more. There are so many truly good men (and women in cases like mine) that will love you, care for you, and protect you. A good man, by his very nature, is a protector. Integrity and honor are not things one has to try to learn from a counselor or therapist- they come naturally, as normally as the air in his lungs. There are, IMO, more good men and women out there than bad, and I believe that there is a good one for each of you. You may find him or her tomorrow, next week, or next year, but I believe you will find them. They are looking for you too, so don't give up. You both deserve love and happiness, and at some point you will come together and that's when life really begins. Please don't give up- if you do the bad guys win. You deserve the best, and I truly hope you all find it. Beau Hello everyone, I’m Beau- Lynn’s BF. I’ve been lurking for awhile, just reading. I’ve seen so many comments that directly relate to the situation I was in for so long, and I can honestly say that I get what each of you are saying. In brief, my wife of 27 years was a sex addict from the start, always having a man on the side and several in reserve. I stayed with her for my kids, and the hope that one day she’d change. Of course that day never came, and after the kids were grown and gone I decided I deserved better. As with all SA’s, she’s quick to assign blame for her behavior to me, but I know that for all those years I never strayed once (and there were plenty of opportunities) and I was a good husband. That is simply how those people justify their actions- by blaming others for their unhappiness.
As I’ve told Lynn- if someone is wired to accept adultery and SA as being acceptable, they see no problem with it and will continue that behavior their whole life. In their world they’re doing nothing wrong, so there’s nothing to change. They just have to get better at deceiving their spouse so as not to get caught. I do not believe they can be “cured” because that’s how their brain works. My wife and I did the counseling thing, we talked, made promises, etc. In the end it was all for naught, as each time something came up she just used the experience to try and perfect her technique.

All I can say is that you can’t let your experience with a SA dictate how you lead the rest of your life. I met Lynn 2 months after I kicked my wife out, and I went into our relationship with an open heart and no preconceptions about how honest and sincere she was. Love is a gamble, and we’ve all spun the wheel at some point and lost. Lives have been devastated, dreams lost, trust destroyed. But you must ask yourself- will I let this person who betrayed and hurt me so terribly win by never loving or trusting again? To me, the answer is a resounding NO! I, and you, deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We’re the good people, and if the bad ones are allowed to screw our lives up forever, they ultimately win. Every day that you spend hurting over the damage they caused is another day of your life they own. My ex is dead to me, and I give her no more thought than I would a stranger in a casket. She got 27 years out of me, and won’t get one second more.

There are so many truly good men (and women in cases like mine) that will love you, care for you, and protect you. A good man, by his very nature, is a protector. Integrity and honor are not things one has to try to learn from a counselor or therapist- they come naturally, as normally as the air in his lungs. There are, IMO, more good men and women out there than bad, and I believe that there is a good one for each of you. You may find him or her tomorrow, next week, or next year, but I believe you will find them. They are looking for you too, so don’t give up. You both deserve love and happiness, and at some point you will come together and that’s when life really begins. Please don’t give up- if you do the bad guys win. You deserve the best, and I truly hope you all find it.

Beau

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