Welcome! My name is JoAnn and I am married to a Sex Addict. This site, and the book I am writing is for anyone who loves or cares about a Sex Addict.
Here you will find support, conversation, feedback and resources to help you understand yourself and the Sex Addict. This understanding and knowledge of the hows and whys will be the first step toward healing for yourself and the addict.
Please come back often as I will be posting excerpts from my book as well as new research findings, articles and my own thoughts and progress and I encourage you to share your thoughts and ideas. In the meantime take care and be safe.
I use SiteGround to host this site and I would recommend it to anyone looking for web hosting JoAnn. SiteGround web hosting
|
You are here: Home » Sex Addiction » The ‘Quick Fix’ Trap
2,855 views
Rebuilding Trust With The Sex Addict, A New Forum Topic
 Rebuilding trust in a relationship with a Sex Addict is probably one of the most difficult issues that we spouses and partners have to deal with. I have added this issue as a new topic in the Forum section.
Please jump in and share your thoughts and ideas on this complex subject. And don’t be shy–you can add any topics that you feel are important and wish to discuss. I’ll join in whenever I can. So, grab a cup of coffee or tea, or a glass of wine and join right in. I hope to see you soon in the Forum!
Related posts: - Topic From Forum–Rebuilding Trust
- New Forum For Spouses And Partners Of Sex Addicts
- Can A Sex Addict Husband Change?
- J Shares Her Story of Marriage with a Sex Addict
- Anatomy of a Sex Addict with Multiple Addictions. Thora’s Story.
|
Share Your Story Sharing your story benefits us all. You feel better sharing with others who have had similar experiences and we feel better knowing that we are not alone.
Click Here to Share Your StoryTo Leave A Comment To leave a comment simply click on the title of the article or click on 'Leave a comment' or '(Number) comments' at the end of the date line beneath each post. If you choose to register, please DO NOT USE YOUR FULL NAME. Any name you use will be posted with your comment.
|
Support This Site Just like all support and 12 step groups, this site appreciates contributions.
If you feel that this website has helped you and you would like to contribute any small amount to help defray the hosting costs simply click the 'Donate' button below.
To ensure your privacy your receipt will simply read 'JoAnn's Place' and have no reference to this site.
Thanks!
|
Loading ...
This is the issue that I just couldn’t have dealt with. No way. According to one of my friends I’m still not dealing with anything very well really. She wants me to visit the docs because she’s worried about me but only because I mentioned that up to December time I didn’t want to deal with any of my thoughts or feelings anymore and had thought in a very passive way about how if I didn’t have children it would be easier if I wasn’t here at all. I’m actually in a slightly better place now but I think she’s worried that I’m depressed. Which I know I’m not. Everything I’ve been feeling was/is related to what happened. I think that perhaps I should be getting over it a lot quicker than I am. It doesn’t seem that many readers are commenting since the addition of the forum or the sale of your e-line books… But there aren’t any entries on the forum section yet.. Come on! Where is everyone..
Seren
I hope the learning curve of the forum is not too steep for anyone. I do admit that it is not the most user friendly format, but it’s the best I could find to work with this website.
To read a topic in the forum simply click on ‘Forum’ on the menu of this site, and click the arrow in the box labeled ‘New/Recently Updated Topics’ and make your choice.
You don’t have to be registered to read the topics or the replies, but you do have to register and sign in to make a comment within the forum.
Hey, Seren…I’m out here! Haven’t been able to get with the chat roll… When I try to sign up,it says my e-mails not valid. What next?!! I get what you are saying. It’s been almost 2 years since I found out what kinda guy I am dealing with. I have gotten better about a lot of things…but this isn’t one of those things. I just have this numbness all of the time. I have managed to keep going, but have this constant numb feeling. School starts in a few weeks, I’m hoping that helps. Thought I would share something…sounds like you could use a laugh. My husband has been going to court ordered therapy since January. I haven’t been offered up much on his sessions, only just the other day, he says to me…”My therapist says I should treat all of my problems, as if they are my work problems”. Now I’m a “work problem”!I didn’t say anything to him the rest of the day! What do you say to some thing like that?! I am so SCREWED!!! I’m guessing he’s not even told his therapist the REAL problem. Work problems indeed! What am I suppose to do with that?! These guys just suck the life out of EVERYTHING, and just go on their merry way. Maybe the numbness comes from knowing that things can never again be the same, better,whatever… but we keep hangin on. Or, maybe it’s because we want something we know in our hearts will never be…I don’t know. My husband has managed to KILL everything that I cared about. Everything that was important to me, is not now. I have had to work very hard at finding something new for ME that I can start caring about again. Everything is different now. I don’t see things the way I use to see things. I don’t even get to see my grand babies as much as I use to see them. There’s always this “thing” hanging in the air when they come to the house of Nana any more. Yeah…shit rolls down hill, baby! He’s even managed to screw that up as well! Kinda makes you wonder… just what do they think is important? Stupid question! I think we all know what THEY think is important! Guess I don’t really much care any more about what HE thinks is important. I have to think about what is important to me. It’s a whole new game, with different rules. That, I guess is equally numbing…thinking of only yourself, instead of them & how they might feel when considering what action you should take in doing something that might affect them, hurt their feelings, whatever. I just don’t seem to really give a rats ass any more about how he feels about any of this. Truthfully…I don’t think he really gives a rats ass either, or he wouldn’t have done the things he has done. Addiction or not. I think he is playing the game, trying to keep me from cleaning out the bank account. It may take a while…but I think good things come to those who wait, and I have all the time in the world. I try to use my time lately to think of things that I can do for ME. Things that don’t involve him. It’s like living with a dead person. I only get “small talk” any more…and that’s if I initiate the conversation. Some how, that one is on me. Oh well…Live & learn. What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger! Hang in there, Seren…good things come to those who wait! Love Ya…xoxoxo
I just found out that my husband has been sleeping around with prostitutes. He is a Sex Addict. Is there ever such a thing called trust for someone like him???
Sphinx…So sorry to hear you are having same problem. I’ve tried “trusting” my husband over our 30 years together. Each time he was caught in something, he would lie his way out of it, make excuses, or place the blame on me. Not this time! I trust him about as far as I can throw him! And that ain’t far!!! I wish I had the information/support back then, that I have now, so that I could have made the necessary changes in MY LIFE, that I am having to make now at 52 years of age. These guys can make you CRAZY with all of their manipulation, lying, and yeah…lets not forget about the prostitutes!!! How did you find out? I got a call from my bank. He was stupid enough (or thought I was stupid enough) to put his hooker charges on our bank card! Now that I know just what it is he is about…I don’t put up with ANYTHING he might dish my way these days. I have heard every excuse there is…and I ain’t buyin it, sister! It is a personal thing, though. What might be good for me, may not be the best for you. Hope you have a good support system. Get a good therapist. You will need someone that is on YOUR side. These guys say they are on your side, but they are not. My husband recently told me that if I chose to leave, that he still would want to be “my friend”. That, in my book, just says how screwed up he really is. He has lied to me, manipulated me, tried placing the blame on me, tried controlling me, & oh yeah…the porn, intrernet sex/chat, phone sex,hotel reciepts,spas & the prostitutes. Wants to be “my friend” indeed! Yeah… I trust him. NOT!!! Hope things get better for you, Sphinx. We’re here for you. Love xxooxxoo
hi Bambi,
thank you for your response. i will never trust my husband again. i tried to leave him the other day and he freaked out and drank a bottle of pills. we ended up in the ER. and he was confined for observation for 24 hours. i was hysterical and i promised not to leave him. i am so scared that he will kill himself again. i found out about it because he offered to lend me his iphone and he was stupid enough not to erase everything.
thanks for the support!
i am just so ANGRY… and i feel sooo trapped! we are in a country where we have no close relatives. i have no one to turn to.
I know how hopeless and scared you must feel. It is important that you find a counselor right away. Many community programs have low cost or free counseling if needed. Your husband must have been referred to some sort of counseling over his suicide attempt if you live in the U.S.
I know it is difficult, but somehow you have to find a way to get out from under his manipulation. Suicide is his choice (I know, that sounds so cold–but it’s true) and one of the cruelest and most abusive forms of manipulation is threatening suicide to get the victim to agree to whatever the abuser wants. He knows that you care for him, so by threatening the ultimate he knows he will get his way.
Now, that is not to say that he might not actually commit suicide. If you feel that he actually is suicidal, he definitely needs help–AND–IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IF HE MAKES THAT CHOICE!
Please, let us give you whatever support you need from here. We can’t be your family or your counselor, but we have all been there and we understand your pain.
I will try to stay near the computer today if you want to chat on Chatroll. Please be patient if I don’t answer right away, I will check it frequently.
Good luck and all my best thoughts are with you. Be strong.
he is draining me emotionally. when i found out, he admitted it and started begging for forgiveness. he even called my parents and our close friends and asked for their forgiveness. he promises never to do it again. he does not think it is an addiction. but he is always checking out every porn site and the prostitutes are real!!! i know he will try to kill himself. he did it a few days ago. i want him to see a counsellor because he is still so anxious. he wakes up screaming from nightmares of me leaving him. i can’t even lash out at him in anger because he is always edgy… and the HARDEST thing of all is that i still love him. talk about crazy huh?? i’m dying inside.
Addicts live in denial. If he doesn’t think it’s an addiction, then what does he call it?
You can tell him that because of his actions he has destroyed any trust you had in him (accountability) so, because of that, his promises mean nothing.
Tell him that if he truly wants the marriage to succeed he has to show you by his actions–not his empty words and promises. Then YOU outline what those actions should be–what you expect from him going forward.
It really is as simple as that. You are now in control and now you need to set some boundaries for the relationship. If he wants the marriage to survive he must face the consequences of what he has done and he needs to stop doing it, and for starters, he needs to go to counseling. You can tell him how confused, hurt and angry you are, and tell him that there must be major changes in his behavior if you are even going to consider staying with him. You should also point out that you will not be bullied by his suicide threats. Tell him that each and every time he threatens suicide that you will call the authorities and have him put under involuntary observation for as long as your state allows. And–do it. If he is serious that is the safest place for him. If he’s not serious he will soon realize that his threats aren’t working.
I know you are devastated and your emotions are raw, but now is the time for you to take charge of this horrible situation. If you continue to let him make the rules he will definitely take you along on his path toward destruction. Setting boundaries means that you love your husband and care enough about the relationship to want to work towards a better life.
You can do it. You can take control of your future. Good luck.
Taking control is crucial. And sometimes we aren’t very good at it, at first.
There is a difference between waiting around for him to do whatever he needs to do, and doing what YOU need to do to secure your finances, a home, your children, your career etc. Sometimes we think that once the “ugly” is named and the tip of “the truth” pokes out, we mistake that emotional and powerful moment as “taking control”. As long as we delay or deny decisions we need to make for ourselves and children, we have still not taken control.
Addicts are people who should NOT have control over any aspect of our lives.
Stop investing more energy in the betrayals, the lies, the pain that the addict brings into your life. Turn around and look at yourself, your needs, your opportunities to create a safe life. If he really loves, he will do his work while you do yours. But if you don’t do yours, nothing will change.
May you have light for each step.
he agreed to see a counselor. he gave me all his passwords and is willing to give me all access to his financial and work accounts. we have been married only for 4 months and i admit that i was naive. i did not pay attention to the details because he WAS the perfect husband. i also resigned from my job to move with him to another country. my goal for myself now is to find a job and try to get my old self back. he is willing to do his part. i don’t know if i’m being too mean. he is like a walking zombie from anxiety these days. he took a week off from his job because he could not function. he is a “fix it” guy and i just can’t be “fixed” and this is killing him. i have a terrible temper but i keep it reigned in every time he is around because i don’t want to push him over the edge. it’s like fighting without throwing real punches because the enemy just wont hit back! its insane. we talked about the suicide last night and he promised he wont do it again because he saw what it did to me. i just wish i could believe that.
Hi Bambi
Your husband’s therapist REALLY said that.. I wonder in what context though, and whether your husband interpreted it the way he wanted to.. just a thought because that’s what they do isn’t it – try and rationalise and justify and compartmentalise most aspects of their life. So in that context for your husband to treat everything as a work problem makes it a bit easier for him.. I can’t really offer advice on the issue of trust to other posters who are with their partners because this would be one of the main reasons I could never have stayed in my relationship. All I can say is “God, how hard”. I feel for you – Sphinx. Trouble is to be honest though, I feel as though I might be ready to date but then I start to panic and my question is, if you decide to leave your sex addict, how do you EVER trust anyone again. I don’t feel that I can because although I’m not likely to meet someone like this again, I know that I would question every little thing and wonder all the time whether or not someone was really who they said they were. I ignored signs before so now I would be just waiting for any sign that something wasn’t right and this is bound to be damaging for any future relationship. How do I get over that? I don’t know that I can. The trust issue affects us long after any decision we have made to stay or go.
Hey, Seren. Yeah…that’s what hubby claims. Like I said before…I’ll bet he’s not even told his therapist the truth about why he is there. Hence, the digital voice recorder that he takes with him to record his sessions. I thought it odd that he would be that forgetful about something so important. Then it occurred to me that he needed to keep his lies straight from session to session. He had a session yesterday, and came home a half an hour early. When I asked why he left so early, he just said “I don’t know, he just let me go”. My guess is that he doesn’t do much talking with his therapist, or says everything is just fine at home. There are certainly enough problems to talk about! I HAVE NEVER LEFT A SESSION EARLY! As you know, there is soooo much to talk about. Now hubby says he wants to cut his visits to the therapist to once every other week, instead of once a week. My therapist was rolling over when I told her about hubbys approach to dealing with his marital problems. I told her that his therapist advised him to handle all of his problems, as if they were problems at work. She couldn’t stop laughing!I guess it sounds mean, but now that the cats out of the bag, and I know what kinda guy he really is, it’s kinda funny to watch him try to cover his ass, snow job me into thinking he’s all that, doing all that it takes to fix this problem. It’s the same type of behavior that I’ve seen before. Only now, he thinks he’s one up on everyone, reading up on all of the “right” things to say, and probably what “not” to say to the therapist. I’ve caught him a few times now. When he first started therapy, he told me that he mentioned to his therapist, that he has a sexual addiction, and that the therapist told him that he didn’t have much experience with this kind of thing, that he would do some research to better help him. A few weeks later, I said something to him about an article I was reading, about how sexual addiction is really a problem, in that it is not recognised as an addiction to the insurance companies, and that a lot of therapist are having to “fudge” the paper work so that their clients are covered. My husbands response was “that’s why I didn’t say any thing to the therapist about any sex addiction, because I had read a similar article”. Yeahhh, I know. He has also told me that his therapist assigns him home work. He apparently was to make a list (of what exactly, I’m not sure). He was complaining about how he didn’t have time, that he was just tooooo busy. I caught a glimpse of said list. I saw something about how he wanted to come home to a nice meal, have his clothes clean, a clean house, something about wanting me to be as generous, and sexual with him, as he is with me. He complained to me that he didn’t have time to do the things his therapist was asking him to do, but yet seemed to find lots of time to do other things, like spending time on his computer. Matter of fact…he couldn’t sleep last week (a very common occurrence with him). He got up at 3:00 a.m. and was on his computer all night (like before). When I got up that morning, he was all talkative & smiles…my guess is he was jerking off to his porn again. I think he thinks he’s “got” me. He’s got NOTHING!!! His reaction when he first got caught, and I told him I was leaving was… “I wondered how long it would take you”! What he doesn’t realise,is that I left that day (just not physically). Frankly, I think he is o.k. with that, as he also said last year, that the reason he was doing what he was doing, was because he thought I didn’t love him, that he thought I was having an affair, (and one hundred other excuses), but yet, he continued to “pretend” he was the loving husband, blah, blah. Can’t believe a word he says!!! I’m just trying to get this school thing under control, and be on my merry little way. It must be VERY difficult for you, Seren, having young children. How old are your children? I don’t think I could have managed this far, had I had young children at home. I could barely take care of myself, and my dogs when the crap hit the fan with all of his nonsense. And speaking of my dogs…they don’t seem to much care for him either! I really feel for ya. Don’t know how you manage having children in the home. I can only imagine it to be VERY difficult for you, as well as your children. Hang in there, Seren…good things DO come to those who wait. LOVE YOU ALL XOXO
I just found out 3 days ago my wife is a sex addict. I’m actually out of the country on business and finally asked why her counselor wanted to see me. I have discovered in all this that I am co-dependent, which means I’m an addicts best friend right? I’m still at the visual images stages of the hurt, but I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of my life looking for something to happen. I love her, but without trust, what’s the point? I do know that although this wasn’t my fault, unless I deal with my own issues first, I’ll wind up with the same kind of person again. My advice is fix yourself, be strong, and live a life you can be happy with long term.
Yes, if you only found out three days ago you are still in shock and denial. I have written several posts on this site (just search for ‘stages of grief’ in the ‘Search This Site’ box in the upper right area) about the stages of grief, which you will experience. Being a casualty of a Sex Addict is a painfully traumatic ordeal and recovering from it takes years.
I don’t know how much your wife has told you about her acting out, but usually that information comes in bits and pieces as the addict learns to face the enormity of what they have done. These ‘staggered disclosures’ ( Search this term also to see my posts on this subject) are probably the most difficult aspect of loving a Sex Addict. Just when you integrate one piece of information into your life and feel as if you are working through it you get hit with another ‘truth’.
It took my husband over three years to get all of his story out. Every time a new piece of information came out, after he had sworn that I knew everything, it was like having that old wound ripped open and acid poured on it.
Please, whether you decide to stay or leave you will need to seek counseling for the trauma. Good luck and remember, we are here for you.
Hi JoAnn,
how can you prompt a sex addict to full disclosure? I have been checking his e-mails and I can’t find anything recent. after reading your post, i got scared. i so want to trust my husband again but i know that lying is natural for someone like him…
to everyone, thanks for the support. i’m sorry if i can’t offer advice to anyone at this point. i am still reeling from the lies and deceit. i just found out 9 days ago and I am beginning to question my sanity about this…
hugs to all…
Dear Sphinx, After only 9 days you also are still in shock. Don’t try to make any decisions right now because you are not thinking clearly. Use whatever energy you have to take care of yourself. Find a counselor or read as much as you can on Sexual Addiction, meditate, pray or do whatever relaxation techniques that work for you. This is an extremely stressful time for you and you need to protect your health as it will be affected.
How can you prompt a Sex Addict to full disclosure? You can’t. Unfortunately when you are in a relationship with a Sex Addict you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL over what they do, what they disclose or what they think. It is useless to try to get them to ‘get it’. They can only change through years of hard work and only if they truly want to do all that hard work. Many of them don’t, won’t or can’t.
Just because my husband did dedicate himself to recovery and has been sober for almost four years I don’t want to give anyone any false hope. Only 5% of Sex Addicts actually recover and stay away from their compulsive behaviors. And, that 5% struggle tremendously in order to get sober and stay sober. And, those of us who choose to stay with a Sex Addict must make huge compromises and changes in our lives.
As I said, it is too early for you to be expecting any decisions from yourself or your husband. Give it a little time and see how he does–just don’t fall into that trap of believing he is cured after only a few months.
Good luck, stay in touch and let us know how things are going. ((( Hugs )))
It has been over a year since I found out I was married to a sex addict. We had been married for only four monthes when I discovered he was looking at porn sites, chatting, posting ads on Craigslist and it turned real when he had collected contact info from a girl he met at the mall. Things were really bad for us for several weeks. Not wanting to be ‘humiliated’ by a failed marriage, I decided to hang in there. He says he never physically cheated but this made no diffrence to me. We went to therapy together for a while. The therapist said his sex addiction comes from the fact that he was molested as a child. So many details. Fast forward to now. (A year later) The trust still isn’t back. Monthes can go by that we don’t talk about what happened but I’ve never stopped checking his email and scanning the computer history. He still views porn sometimes and I will never understand the need for this. We want to be married and he tells me on a regular basis that he still feels guilty. I wish I could get him to understand that still looking at porn isn’t a good idea because that’s what lead him down the road that he lost control a year ago. He says he never planned to physically cheat on me and that porn and chatting had been a hard habit to break in our early marriage. We didn’t live together until after we were married. We stopped going to the therapist a while back because honestly it felt like ripping the scab off a wound everytime we had to rehash the stories and those days were hard on us. This morning I decided to look online for soome kind of advice of how to get over these feelings of doubt I have. He says he feels guilty but its over and he is tired of my constant resentment. It is always right under the surface to me. Seems like everytime we turn on the tv theres someones cheating making the headlines. I don’t want to be a fool again.
Sometimes people think because they feel guilty, they are dealing with their “problem”. They aren’t. They are just feeling guilty–which I think, for some, becomes some form of emotional masturbation. In other words, the guilt gets absorbed into, and becomes a part of the compulsive behaviour cycle.
But nothing really changes.
Does that sound sort of like what you’re living in right now? He feels quilty. YOu went to therapy that produced the reasons for him to fell guilty. And he still looks at porn and you still play detective.
Here’s the good news. You BROKE the cycle by stopping the therapy session that was just participating in the cycle. Way to go! YOu are stronger and wiser than you think.
Next steps? He must go into a therapy program of his own.
What’s fun about a partner who wallows in guilt? Nothing.
Thank you for your reply Diane. I agree with what you are saying. Just because he feels guilt that doesn’t mean the problem is being fixed. For me I just feel like this is a one day at a time healing process. There are no guarentees. I have set my boundaries. I will not tolerate a second time. I know now that being able to live my life happily means more to me than what others may think if our marriage doesn’t work. I’m the one who has to live in the marriage. It has been helpful to see that other people are having the exact feelings I have. It’s sad that this is such a common problem. I wish people could be more kind and honest. Ironnically, I’m in college to be a marriage and family therapist…
Hi Marie,
You seem to be able to understand many things about this mess. So trust yourself. It is one day at a time, and for me, each day comes with a surprise. It might be a good one. Or it might be a not so good one.
Yesterday, I had a big meltdown–back to the sobbing and anger as if it was last September when I drew the line in the sand with my husband. I didn’t know I still had those tears and that anger so close at hand. But I do. That is why it is really important for you, Marie, to have a support team in place. This is a long journey, and you can’t walk it by yourself.
Stopping the therapy together was a good idea. But now can you find your own therapist? None of us is so strong that we don’t need a listening ear and a safe place to speak the secret, and talk about what it has done to us–heart, soul and mind. And keep looking till you find the one that feels right.
Although there have been really lonely awful days, Marie, I have also learned more about living well, and looking after myself. That has been a real benefit.
I am now packing for a ‘downsize” move from our family home. We can’t afford to live separately without this step. it’s hard. But I have also found that each time I took a foot in the direction of life, a wonderful woman was there to guide me through that step and hand me off to the next guide. It’s as if the universe was waiting for me to turn ever so slightly into the direction where all was waiting. There are many kind and honest people, after all. You will find the ones waiting for you.
with every good wish for daily strength,
D.
Hi-this is my first time post. My husband is an addict. He is also a professional with the capacity to be kind a loving. He can also be immature and extreemely insecure. Many “discoveries” and much work…I am too tired to recount it all at this time. We are in counselling now with more “hope” than ever. If there was ever a time for any success this would be it. I am no fool though, by now (married 15 years, all affected by this addiction in one way or another)….if I could go back I would end this marriage prior to children, giving my work up to stay at home, etc. I feel spent, old and wasted at 36. My husband has genuine hurts and he has not been so cruel to me as I know many sex addicts are to their spouses and he is a loving father…however so many memories and hurts burned into my brain make it impossible to forsee a future with any kind of joy, trust or intimacy and I deserve those things just because I am a human being. Be realistic (I am trying)…it is hard because we can be naive…trusting because what else should be be when we begin a marriage? Best wishes to all.
J.
I think one of the hardest things to deal with in these situations is how draining and consuming it can be. I’ve had days that I cannot think of anything else. So J, I
know what you mean when you say you feel spent, old and wasted. I feel like my happiness has been deeply affected and it angers me that my husband had all the ‘fun’ and doesn’t seem to grieve how full our marriage could have been if these things never happened. We had only been married four monthes and I often wonder if this has set us up to have a weaker marriage than we were meant to. Many times I have told him he changed the dynamics of the kind of wife I would have been. I wasn’t meant to be an insecure and injured partner but overnight all the joy and pure love I had for him was damaged. I read things in emails &posts that he wrote that are forever burned in my brain. All of the apologies in the world cannot erase the things I know he wrote to other women and I have days that feel naive for thinking I’ll ever get past this. I do try to remind myself that porn fills a fantasy and I should not try to compete with something that is not real. I have two young sons and it is my goal to talk to them when the time is right about how damaging porn and the sex industy can be. It’s not just a thing that is done in private. It can consume your life and effect your relationships. On that note I take some of the blame because early in this relationship I thought I was ok with porn. I wasn’t a big fan but it did seem harmless to me. Lesson learned! For thismarriage it was like the seed that grew into a huge smoothering weed. Sorry if I got a little off subject here today. Sometimes the mind just starts racing and I go with it.
Dear All,
i have re-read all our posts and i am typing now with a sense of loss. i am still with my husband 24 days after i discovered that he has been sleeping with prostitutes from the time i knew him. we dated for a year, got married and 4 months later i find out that he is a sex addict. i am still with him because i love him…. as crazy as that sounds. and a part of me is scared of leaving him because he has tried to kill himself once. there are days when i could almost smile without that sickening feeling at the pit of my stomach. but most days are spent trying to keep up the facade that i am OK. my family thinks that i should give him another chance because he is doing everything to patch things up. i am convinced that he is sorry. but i just can’t be fixed. i feel that by staying with him, i am giving up who i am. i used to be the girl with a smile in her eyes even for strangers…. but now, like J, i feel wasted. i have turned into this person who has rage. i always had a temper but i never raged. these days i have become violent. i took up yoga to control my anger. but everytime i go to bed i still have this nagging feeling that i am giving up who i am by staying with him.
Dear sphinx, Have you seen a counselor? I think that would really help you sort through your feelings. Love does not require that you give up yourself and compromise everything that you believe in. That’s not love, that’s obsession and obsessive behaviors can be controlled with the proper counseling. There is also the factor of the trauma bond that occurs when we are deeply hurt, which I think you are probably experiencing. You can read my post Trauma Bonds here.
I know you are scared because of the threat he made to kill himself, which is nothing more than an extreme form of manipulation. He knows you care deeply about him and will probably not leave if he threatens the ultimate–to kill himself. You know in your heart that someone who loves you would not manipulate you like he has and cause you so much pain. He is exhibiting the self centered narcissism that most Sex Addict possess.
As I commented before, both of you need serious counseling to overcome these wounds. Sex Addiction NEVER gets better by itself and it ALWAYS escalates. It does not go away and the only thing the addict can do is learn to manage the addiction. This takes years of hard work and the spouse or partner of the Sex Addict cannot help the process by enabling or nurturing.
Has he taken any steps toward a true recovery such as finding a counselor, going to 12 step meetings, reading books on the subject and making a recovery plan? Without that and a firm resolve on his parrt to change his life there is no hope for him to stop his addictive behaviors.
Please, don’t give up on yourself. Love yourself at least as much as you love him and get some counseling. You might want to consider a trial separation for at least a year, which would give both of you time to work on your own problems and it would give him the time to prove to you that he is serious about his own recovery and to win your trust back.
You are in my thoughts. Take care and most importantly, stay safe.
Thank you JoAnn,
We had our first meeting with a counselor. i found it helpful but my husband thinks that it traumatized him. he said that it took 30 minutes for the counselor to figure out that he is worthless. i did not get that impression. i know that she stressed that he has a problem and that we should meet her separately….
i don’t know how a lot of women made it through this. some days i just want to give up. i want to run as far as i can and forget. last night i found out that he took pictures of the destruction i made in our house on the night i found out about his hookers. when i confronted him about the pictures, all he could say was that he panicked. we are currently staying in middle east and i know that 1 picture can give him authority to put me in jail. i felt that he wanted to harm me that night and he treated me as the enemy. i am not proud of trashing the house and breaking stuff. but i never thought he would document what i did to use it against me legally.
i can’t reconcile his actions and his words. he is being soooo nice these days. it breaks my heart to think that he is lying again.
sphinx, I am so worried about you. Are you physically safe? Would you be safe if you destroyed those photos? To have something like that hanging over your head is extremely abusive! Do you have any friends or family that you can go to?
It sounds as if you husband is an extremely selfish and self centered person. He is traumatized simply by seeing a counselor? How ridiculous! What about your trauma?
Do you have any plans for the future? Do you want, or can you get a divorce? There are so many unanswered questions. Please give us some details so we can help you.
Please, please, stay safe in any way you can.
Dear JoAnn,
thank you so much for your concern. i confronted him about the pictures and he said that it was his defense mechanism in case i filed for a divorce. i asked for a divorce from day 1 but he won’t agree to it. during our confrontation, he destroyed the pictures. we are going back to see the counselor. he has never hurt me physically (i am guilty of that. for that, i am seeing a counselor) and i have friends nearby who would help if i need them. but these days i carry my passport. just in case i need to fly out of here ASAP. after confronting him, i felt safe because he had his chance to use the pictures but he didn’t. and i remember that he even bought me an airline ticket when i demanded it (on the day i found out about his hookers). i stayed that time because i needed time to cool off and when i really packed my stuff to leave, he tried to kill himself. i stayed again because i was scared that he would be successful the next time he does it.
These days I am still here because I am trying to make this work. i can demand for a divorce if i really want to. it would break him but i know that he won’t trap me. he is selfish about the counselor but he will do it because he knows i won’t take any excuses. it has been a month since i found out and i think the shock is wearing off. i sleep better and i eat. but my husband has been diagnosed with stress ulcers. we will be seeing a cardiologist too because his blood pressure is sky high. i am a cardiac nurse and i suspect that he has been having arrhythmias.
i am a co-dependent. which makes my data unreliable. i hope to God that I am reading the signs right. i am trying to be clinical about our interactions but its soooo hard to be unemotional especially when i uncover half-truths. above anything else, i maintain honesty with myself through all of these. i have realized that i still have so much to live for. and if he won’t truly change then i can still have a world without him.
Found out 1 week ago my husband is a sex addict. He acts out with transexuals. Shock, dismay, hurt, etc are all there. I am so done. I need an exit plan. Afraid when I reject that all kinds of control and maniupulation will occur. Want OUT. told my family. don’t know if I should move out, or file for divorce and then see. problem is if I file, i have no where else to stay besides family home. on the brighter side, he came to me and confessed. says he understands if I leave. but we are in financial bind, and I am dependent on him financially to help me find apt, get set up etc. my family lives out of state and we have a 4 yr old daughter. don’t know if least resistance is best, “honey, i need to go ” worry about the courts later, or not. I feel he will be extremely volatile and he has been physical before. I often feel he is angry because I am a woman, nothing more. what’s the best way to leave your sexually addicted, borderline personality husband? any suggestions. I can’t wait to start a new life. he gained so much control of me, I am ashamed.
Pam,
You need to realize that you have been operating under different rules. You thought he cared for you and you had shared values. You had hopes and dreams. That is what you believed and that is system in which you were functioning. Your behaviors and commitment to the relationship was based honest intents.
You have just recently been delivered a malicious blow to your value system and the things that you held sacred. You probably feel like you have been beaten up (emotionally). Do not feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong and there is no way you could have known. You have been manipulated and the control was gotten deviously, using your good intent and thoughtful responses to things while he was betraying you the whole time. That is how they sneak into your tender, loving, giving nature and your soul. I cannot think of one thing that my husband has taken that was not done through anything other than deceit and manipulation. From the day I met him and until the end, I never had the truth. He had to steal everything – the sad thing is everything he stole, on my part I gave it to him freely out of love for him.
You ask yourself, how do you get over this? I’m not sure you do. There is a part of you that dies and it is a part that wanted life, wanted to breathe, wanted to dream, feel joyful and happy. I don’t know if one can ever go back there. So where does one go, what is it going to look like, how will it feel? Those questions are very unnerving and disturbing, because everything in your relationship that you had put your faith in was brutally walked on and discarded as trash.
It sounds like you know what you want, don’t 2nd guess your gut instincts. Do what ever it takes to follow your gut. I believe those instincts are telling you what is best for you. I can think back on so many times I would get a felt sense or reaction to something small and somewhat insignificant. The problem and confusion entered because I didn’t know what, where or why I got that feeling. There was no activity or outward signs connecting it to anything. So I dismissed those feelings. The book, Silent Partner by Dina Matos McGreevey describes this in her book. She was married to the governor that came out of the closet. Of course after marrying her, producing a child and dismantling her life and value system. We still have are our value system but it has been defiled by the sex addict which makes it very painful.
Make decisions that are good for you and your daughter. Don’t worry about the SA’s, they know how to take care of themselves and they have already done it at your expense. If they really want to change, they will find a way with, or without you. At this time do not concern yourself with that. My counselor felt that I worked harder towards my husband’s recovery than he did. Myself, I don’t think he ever intended on changing a thing like he said he wanted to and he continued to do what he had always done.