I want you to know that I have copied your comments to a file on my computer. I named that file “People who have made it through” so I can pull it up and remind myself.

There are alot of parts that I know intellectually, the emotional part hasn’t quite caught up yet. Sexual Addiction affects the core of intimacy and I think the violation of that is why it is hard to deal with.

Once the divorce is completed things will move forward. I just hope financially I get what I deserve and can feel safe. In the marriage, I was good spouse and realize that because of his fraud, from the beginning I never really had a chance for this marriage to be successful. It doesn’t matter what I did and how many hoops i jumped through. Sad but true.

This will be such a bittersweet good bye. I feel as though I have known you forever, but, like a child who has grown into a beautiful, independent adult, there is a time to let go.

I totally understand how you must leave all this behind. How healthy you have become. I know what a difficult time this has been, but now, it is time to spread your wings and soar, feel joy and happiness once again.

All my best to you. I will never forget you, and you and your story will always be in my heart.

Love and hugs,

JoAnn

I think all of us, no matter whether we stay or leave must find some way to carry this chapter in our lives. For me, this site has been crucial piece of learning to see my story through my own confusion and his behaviour. As others have noted, the similarity of our experiences even though we are from different religions, countries, lifestyles, education, etc. has been sanity making even thought it’s been depressing sometimes.

But also, reaching out with support to someone whose hurt I know like the back of my hand has also been an important building block for putting myself back together as a human being. Also, having someone reach out to me the same way has made the difference some days. And that’s not about my husband. it’s about me–being able to be a good mother, to go to work, be in the public eye, continue my therapeutic goals like taking better care of myself, discovering the Barbara Steffens work and the trauma model for my experience, and yes, laugh more.

This past week i also took two major steps. I told a couple whose friendship with us has spanned 25 years. I know I can trust their confidentiality and I needed to widen the circle of my own support. I also am meeting another former wife of an SA (connected through our therapists) for coffee. She is further along the journey and has reached out to me. Big risk for me here in this city. I’ve already figured out a connection we have through some of my clients, but it’s about establishing a safe circle for my own care. Without this site and everything I’ve learned here and in therapy, I wouldn’t have done these things. But I know now that part of how I will carry this in my life includes opening up and letting others know I am struggling and I need their help.

Whether or not my future has my husband by my side–I don’t know. But I am becoming someone new–familiar, but new. So, “moving on” is happening for all of us in different ways. What I know from my “day job” (this journey has become my “all day job” as opposed to my “day job”), is that people do better in life when “moving on” includes an intentional way to carry the losses we have in life.

For example, I have used simple rituals to express rage and make loss real. I threw out my wedding dress-but I kept the lace because it allowed me to keep the hope that was true and good. In the company of a friend I burned two gifts from my horrible mother-in-law (whose abuse started this mess) in the fireplace of the house we had to sell. I didn’t take anything from her into my new place. I am taking a fabric arts course to create a set of beautifl fabric “doors” behind which my new life waits. I have a special box for things that hurt to look at—things from my husband that speak of the love that was/is real, but was betrayed. Maybe I will get them back out of the box, maybe I won’t. But the special box will also say how much they mattered.

Anyway, I just thought some of you would like to hear some ways we can intentionally carry this experience through our lives, without just pretending it didn’t happen, or by locking it up somewhere like the crazy uncle in the attic, or by–well you finish the sentence!

Seren–Godspeed and thank you so much for your good company. You will never know how much you helped people here to face their lives.
lots of love,
D.

I say sod the triggers, sod the boundaries. I’m sorry. But just leave. It’s like someone said in another post: “we don’t have the power to change someone else but we do have the power (and the insight) to change ourselves”. I have never in my life experienced anything like I did the day I found out about my ex sex addict. I spent 3 weeks coming to terms with it myself before I confronted him. I didn’t like his response – I knew it wasn’t good for me, I wanted to stay and hug him and tell him I was there but I didn’t. I was devastated, distraught and I couldn’t breath. I left. I spent approximately 6 months feeling agonised and despaired both over my decision and over what I had lost. The next 4 months were nearly as traumatic, lots of crying, it was like a deep wound and he reached out but not in the way I needed – I was desperate to go to him and hold him but I didn’t, I loved him, I hated him, I was confused by him – his clinical observations, his coldness, his love, his agony his confusion, his lack of understanding, his warm heart – how confusing. I couldn’t go to him – because I withheld my conviction that if he could hurt me that much he was NOT good for me. It killed me not to respond, and I did in the end but only to say that I wished him well and to please leave me alone. Nearly 12 months on I’m feeling much better. It’s not long in the grand scale of things. I’ve had a lot of troubles through my life including in childhood but I’ve learned how to love myself and living with someone like that isn’t doing that if you’re hurting that much. I won’t be posting on this site or reading it again because I need to leave this behind now and move on. This chapter in my life is over although I will carry it with me always, including the love I had for this man – who believed in me and listened, who loved me – for me, who was my friend and lover and who deceived me and let me down so badly. I wish you all the very best of luck and happiness, contentment and love. xx