For 15 years he has been struggling with this sex addiction. It started in college, when as a shy and immature boy he responded to an ad for a call girl that he found in the newspaper. From that point, it has continued with use of prostitutes, porn, and women in massage parlors who do more than just massage (or even more than a happy ending – these women dry hump with no clothes on and give oral sex – sometimes he reciprocated the oral sex, too).

 

Hi JoAnn,

I am very glad to have found your site. I would like to share my story as I’ve been reading through others, and I think the advice of these women would be helpful.

About 6 months ago, I decided I wanted to move to a new city for work. I re-connected with an old friend, Joe (name changed), who I know through an ex. Joe lives in the city I wanted to move to, and was very helpful with advice and getting me connected. Over those 6 months, we started spending more time together and eventually our friendship blossomed into casual dating. I was really happy.

A couple weeks after we had sex for the first time, Joe broke down to me. He was stressed about something. Apparently, he thought that he had contracted an STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection). I was very empathetic and sweet about it, but he was still upset. After a full day of anxiety attacks, he confessed to me that he is a sex addict. He was feeling guilt about the STI, as related to his sex addiction and putting himself and others he is intimate with at risk. For 15 years he has been struggling with this sex addiction. It started in college, when as a shy and immature boy he responded to an ad for a call girl that he found in the newspaper. From that point, it has continued with use of prostitutes, porn, and women in massage parlors who do more than just massage (or even more than a happy ending – these women dry hump with no clothes on and give oral sex – sometimes he reciprocated the oral sex, too).

I was shocked. Joe comes from a nice family, who I know (we’re from the same hometown), and never had any childhood trauma – at least that I know of – aside from the typical, strict parents who expect a lot from their child. He seems to have everything he wants, he has a good job, lots of friends, everyone likes him. He is very hard on himself, though, and is quite insecure in his decision making sometimes, and he does have some family issues relating to ‘never being good enough’, if you will. He’s never been married, but has been in lots of relationships – all of which have seemed a little odd and obviously I know why now. He never told any of them about his sex addiction. During one relationship, he successfully avoided prostitutes by going to SA meetings (although he’d lie to his gf about them), but during another relationship he fell off the SA wagon and began going to ‘massages’ while in a relationship. It is scary to me.

He has not acted out since we started seriously dating – about 3 months now – and he is actively pursuing SA and is committed to changing his life. He feels like he had a revelation the weekend of the STI and confessing to me. He is telling me he loves me and wants to have a normal life with me. I feel very strongly for him, but obviously I’m scared to continue this serious relationship with him because of these issues. I wish I could be with him, without these issues – he’d be perfect for me. Wishful thinking, I know.  But maybe he really can put this behind him. He also has a therapist who he’s been going to for 10 years (I know, right) who is supposed to be helping him with this and knows everything. That, combined with SA, could possibly help.

He also has never told anyone about the sex addiction, save for his therapist, before coming out to me. I was very understanding and reinforced that its okay, I like him for who he is – its true. That has made him feel so much comfort and confidence, the fact that someone accepts him – I can tell. It’s so true, the addiction is all about feeling wanted and accepted. But I know in the end it’s also selfish. As for our sex life, it’s great – he seems to be there in the moment and finishes, and he says our sex life is the best he’s ever had as far as feeling intimate and everything. I do like to have very… active, if you will… sex, the type that you might see in a porn movie, and it’s crossed my mind that he could be objectifying me, but he’s very loving to me. Is it really wrong to be able to objectify the person you love in the bedroom, and love them more than anything at the same time?

So, that’s where I am. Trying to figure all of this out. Scared to embark on my life journey with a 15 year sex addict – I should add that I am more than 10 years younger than him, so I’ve never come across anything like this before.  I want to be married and have a family. He is saying the same… although before he met me, he wasn’t sure. It sounds attractive but it’s also a bit off-putting for me.  I have been in a series of unsuccessful relationships in the past (I get too emotionally involved too fast), and I don’t want that to happen again… though it already has in a way.

Thanks so much for listening to my story. I’m really looking forward to hearing your perspective on this. You are all so strong for what you’ve gone through.