Comments on: Setting Boundaries http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/setting-boundaries/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:53:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Marissa http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/setting-boundaries/#comment-9495 Marissa Tue, 10 May 2011 16:51:30 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=940#comment-9495 Hi, I'm new here and I can honestly say that after reading most of your posts and experiences that I am definately in the right place. I never really felt that my bf of over 5 years now has had a serious sex addiction problem and I've always just swept everything under the rug so to speak but now everything is starting to make sense. I can see myself in alot of your similar situations and I am just curious now seeing that some of these posts are over a couple of months, even years old, where most of you are in your relationships with your partners? I would love to continue to chat with such wonderful women who share this same experience with me. Hi, I’m new here and I can honestly say that after reading most of your posts and experiences that I am definately in the right place. I never really felt that my bf of over 5 years now has had a serious sex addiction problem and I’ve always just swept everything under the rug so to speak but now everything is starting to make sense. I can see myself in alot of your similar situations and I am just curious now seeing that some of these posts are over a couple of months, even years old, where most of you are in your relationships with your partners? I would love to continue to chat with such wonderful women who share this same experience with me.

]]> By: Julia http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/setting-boundaries/#comment-9452 Julia Wed, 20 Apr 2011 18:00:46 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=940#comment-9452 My husband epitomizes a classic "flight from intimacy" with his own special brand of sex addiction. Early on in our marriage he would secret a paper towel into his sweatpants pocket before getting into our bed. I was always last in bed but he would pretend to be "asleep" so as not to have sex with me, only to wake me up "secretly" masturbating himself nearly every night, hence the need for the paper towel. I was so devastated that I never called him on this horrible behavior for 30 years. I just pretended he was perfect and our marriage was perfect so I could be perfect, until last August when I found 3 years worth of porn viewing on our laptop. He would also use me as his "beard" when we went out, appearing like the "normal" married guy he would select a beautiful girl out of the crowd to stare at (in a erotic haze) as if he was desperately in love with her. I would go into a near death spiral, but still, I never confronted him, only to bury the memory in what I now call "the vault." In many ways both of us were afraid of intimacy, choosing to love a fantasy rather than a real person. Since I have only just figured all of this out, with the knowledge that he is a hopeless sex addict, my life is now without guidance or purpose for sadly, our "fake" marriage was the basis for so much of my exterior confidence. It is time for me to rebuild a new me, and in some ways, most of the heavy lifting has been done in the last 8 months since I confronted him about the porn, his masturbation addiction, our non-existent sex life, and the tragic staring of young women and girls. For those of you who have read Carl's book on sex addiction, he is at level 2, for he uses REAL women for his high... women who never consent to be stared at and lusted at to bolster his low self-esteem. I really feel so very, very sorry for him, but also for myself. Today he actually made an appointment to see a certified sex addiction therapist but honestly, I can't hope... I can ONLY work on my new self. I'm 59 years old but it's never too late come out with another model. Hopefully this time I'll get it right, set boundaries for my new life and if he is healthy enough to join me again in a brand new marriage, I'll be delighted, but as I have said before, I can't hope... I won't hope... except in me. My husband epitomizes a classic “flight from intimacy” with his own special brand of sex addiction. Early on in our marriage he would secret a paper towel into his sweatpants pocket before getting into our bed. I was always last in bed but he would pretend to be “asleep” so as not to have sex with me, only to wake me up “secretly” masturbating himself nearly every night, hence the need for the paper towel. I was so devastated that I never called him on this horrible behavior for 30 years. I just pretended he was perfect and our marriage was perfect so I could be perfect, until last August when I found 3 years worth of porn viewing on our laptop.
He would also use me as his “beard” when we went out, appearing like the “normal” married guy he would select a beautiful girl out of the crowd to stare at (in a erotic haze) as if he was desperately in love with her. I would go into a near death spiral, but still, I never confronted him, only to bury the memory in what I now call “the vault.” In many ways both of us were afraid of intimacy, choosing to love a fantasy rather than a real person. Since I have only just figured all of this out, with the knowledge that he is a hopeless sex addict, my life is now without guidance or purpose for sadly, our “fake” marriage was the basis for so much of my exterior confidence. It is time for me to rebuild a new me, and in some ways, most of the heavy lifting has been done in the last 8 months since I confronted him about the porn, his masturbation addiction, our non-existent sex life, and the tragic staring of young women and girls. For those of you who have read Carl’s book on sex addiction, he is at level 2, for he uses REAL women for his high… women who never consent to be stared at and lusted at to bolster his low self-esteem. I really feel so very, very sorry for him, but also for myself. Today he actually made an appointment to see a certified sex addiction therapist but honestly, I can’t hope… I can ONLY work on my new self. I’m 59 years old but it’s never too late come out with another model. Hopefully this time I’ll get it right, set boundaries for my new life and if he is healthy enough to join me again in a brand new marriage, I’ll be delighted, but as I have said before, I can’t hope… I won’t hope… except in me.

]]> By: Flora http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/setting-boundaries/#comment-7533 Flora Mon, 15 Nov 2010 17:03:30 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=940#comment-7533 Also get tested for STD's. You never know. As I find the addict will not tell you more than they think you know. So yes the version you hear is typiclly the watered down version to protect himself. He will lie lie lie to protect his way of life. Yes he does not want to lose you and loves you an your daughter the best he can, but the addiction will always come first, until he is truely in recovery and can see the nature of his wrongs. Also get tested for STD’s. You never know. As I find the addict will not tell you more than they think you know. So yes the version you hear is typiclly the watered down version to protect himself. He will lie lie lie to protect his way of life. Yes he does not want to lose you and loves you an your daughter the best he can, but the addiction will always come first, until he is truely in recovery and can see the nature of his wrongs.

]]> By: Flora http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/setting-boundaries/#comment-7532 Flora Mon, 15 Nov 2010 17:00:34 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=940#comment-7532 Hi Katie, Just a thought can you visit family for a week or two and get your thoughts together, and at the same time get some rest? Especially with Thanksgiving coming up, you can use it as an excuse (especially if you are home and he has to work and cannot take vacation - Don't feel guilty). I know I have a three year old, and i was phyisically exhausted before this came up Feb. 2010, and after. I was getting little sleep and it is hard to find time for yourself. I think a break would be good. If not find another way to get some rest. Like Diane said out the support network together, find someone for you to talk to. This site will help as well, but I find that hour to pour it all out with the therapist is really hellful. Be wary of the ones who want to throw it back at you call you co-dependent etc. Those ones kick to the curb and find another. You need one to here you, rather than label you. Hang in there, take care of yourself and your daughter. Hi Katie,
Just a thought can you visit family for a week or two and get your thoughts together, and at the same time get some rest? Especially with Thanksgiving coming up, you can use it as an excuse (especially if you are home and he has to work and cannot take vacation – Don’t feel guilty). I know I have a three year old, and i was phyisically exhausted before this came up Feb. 2010, and after. I was getting little sleep and it is hard to find time for yourself.

I think a break would be good. If not find another way to get some rest. Like Diane said out the support network together, find someone for you to talk to. This site will help as well, but I find that hour to pour it all out with the therapist is really hellful. Be wary of the ones who want to throw it back at you call you co-dependent etc. Those ones kick to the curb and find another. You need one to here you, rather than label you.

Hang in there, take care of yourself and your daughter.

]]> By: Diane http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/setting-boundaries/#comment-7529 Diane Mon, 15 Nov 2010 15:55:37 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=940#comment-7529 Dear Katie, It's just awful what you are dealing with! It stinks. What should have been a beautiful beginning became a nightmare. It sounds like he is nowhere near coming to terms with his addiction, or doing anything to give it up. As hard as that sounds, Katie, you have to hear that. Because you can't do anything to change him. Nothing. I also had sleep troubles and sleeping didn't work, but my therapist made me a self-hypnosis audio file that I played before sleeping and it worked way better than the pills. emotional/physical cheating---hey not sure what difference it makes except in the area of STD's. I think many of the women here find the emotional betrayal the hardest to get over. Katie, you need to get some support. Do you have a friend or family member you can tell? A faith community leader? a counsellor? You can 't do this on your own and you have this beautiful child to care for. You need to get a little plan together for the two of you as top priorities. Remember the only things you can change are what you do, and how you choose to live. do you have any money to set aside or your own job? Can you ask him to leave? Can you support yourself? I am just sick at heart to hear your story and hear the fresh pain and grief in your words. Please believe me when I tell you that you can find a way forward in life, that you don't have to live like this, and that you can be the mother your daughter deserves. I'm sorry the one you chose to love is an SA. We share that here on this site. But you, katie, don't have to suffer from it, and neither does your daughter. Big Breath. Straighten your spine. there's steel there, you know. love, D. Dear Katie,
It’s just awful what you are dealing with! It stinks. What should have been a beautiful beginning became a nightmare.
It sounds like he is nowhere near coming to terms with his addiction, or doing anything to give it up. As hard as that sounds, Katie, you have to hear that. Because you can’t do anything to change him. Nothing.

I also had sleep troubles and sleeping didn’t work, but my therapist made me a self-hypnosis audio file that I played before sleeping and it worked way better than the pills.

emotional/physical cheating—hey not sure what difference it makes except in the area of STD’s. I think many of the women here find the emotional betrayal the hardest to get over.

Katie, you need to get some support. Do you have a friend or family member you can tell? A faith community leader? a counsellor? You can ‘t do this on your own and you have this beautiful child to care for. You need to get a little plan together for the two of you as top priorities. Remember the only things you can change are what you do, and how you choose to live.

do you have any money to set aside or your own job? Can you ask him to leave? Can you support yourself?

I am just sick at heart to hear your story and hear the fresh pain and grief in your words. Please believe me when I tell you that you can find a way forward in life, that you don’t have to live like this, and that you can be the mother your daughter deserves. I’m sorry the one you chose to love is an SA. We share that here on this site. But you, katie, don’t have to suffer from it, and neither does your daughter.

Big Breath. Straighten your spine. there’s steel there, you know.

love,
D.

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