Thanks for your comments!

I’m doing all i can, and i try not to obsess over my husbands behavior. Try to focus on me and not on my husbands recovery.

Most of my time goes to my son and normal family life.
I feel emotionally “flat” most of the time, but i will get there again, i am convinced of that. Either with, or without my husband.
I had values/boundaries set for myself right after D-day.
With the free help of recovery nation.com and with the help of my therapist
I recieved EMDR because i was suffering from images/flash backs in my head of all the things my husband was doing while i was working the nightshifts. My husband is an severe addict, he did the works, prostitutes, sex cinema’s parking lots…. And yet he has never been an hour late from work. I always got the feeling he wasn’t that into sex.

With me he was always nice, tender and caring. I do not know anyone who doesn’t like him. He’s just nice and caring. Suppose it is the Tiger woods thing or something…
And that is why i picked my husband over many others. Because i respected him and because he seemed very ok to me.
So it was a huge shock to find this out about him. After 13 years!
Something just snapped in my head.
My view of the world, changed. Nowadays i close the curtains at night, you never know who is lurking in the dark.
Next to that my in-laws where exposed as one big incestuous family in denial. They all blamed us, my husband and me for the “situation”. But i know that is an common thing to happen. It still hurts tho.
My husband has been “sober” ever since D day. About 2 years now. So thats a good and positive thing. But without his addiction in place, he is such a mess. He hurts himself sometimes, troughs-up, dissociates. His therapist diagnosed him with C-ptsd last week.
I feel my husband is pushing me away and sabotaging rebuilding our relationship in a very subtle way. I feel like im playing the part of the “helper” and he never knows what to do.
I say fight, and he says, lets give it up, its never going to work, i am a crazy freak, get away from me while you can.
More and more im beginning to grasp the concept that sex and love addiction is in fact, an intimacy disorder in the first place.
I would do so much to fix our family and my husband and myself. But i just feel drained right now.

Pip, we went to something similar, like the CAD. But they said it wasn’t addiction but compulsion. My husband has a private counselor now. He also went to the SLAA
Some time apart is an good idea. And that is what i will do if he doesn’t takes charge. Im not going to fight alone. Im to tired.

ciao

Oh and Aimee,
It seemed to me you tried and tried, you gave it your best maybe even more. Ironic how love is not enough when dealing with an sex and love addiction.
I respect your integrity, you did what you could. I wish you strength and wisdom dealing with this pain.

Good luck,
Gipsy

Have you tried the CAD yet ?

Groetjes trug

No one can know your life the way you do, but always, when there are children involved, I’m concerned that we mothers do what is in their best interests for a healthy, safe environment. Porn in the home is not a part of that, for example.

Getting some space between you and the addict may give you a perspective that can see more possibilities than you can see when you feel trapped and your children are vulnerable. Can you afford to live apart even for a temporary period? During that time he has to get into his own recovery program, and start making changes.

I’m sorry it sounds so drastic, but it seems that these addicts will work every scrap of grace we give them for their own egoic desires. And there’s nothing inspiring about our children witnessing that over and over again. When parents don’t respect boundaries that are appropriate, children learn not to.

I hope you are still with your counsellor. If not, find another one. It’s like everything, gipsy, you have to find the one that works best for you. Everything, it seems, takes a lot of effort. But getting free of this craziness and this constant hurt is worth it.

May you have all the light you need and deserve, to find your way.
Diane.

I am dutch too. I feel such a need to talk to someone about this. I can’t seem to find anyone facing the same freaky story like ours.

I went to counseling for a year just to deal with all of this. I get so much promises from my partner as well. I feel like im in some sort of nightmare, except it is my life.

I am now at a point that i will end this relationship if nothing changes. I have even set a date in my mind. I handed out my terms to my husband, but nothing much happens.
My husband was sexually abused as well, i have read and read about that topic. I now now that i am not going to settle for years of destructive patterns repeated over and over again on my expense and that of our child.
I just can’t not after all this hurt.

Does any of you would want to talk?

Groetjes,
gipsy

Are you from the Netherlands ? so am I.

First of all let me tell you what a strong woman I think you are for keeping up with this man.
We do a lot of things because we love a person, even if that person destroys everything we believed in.

I know you are a a crossroad right now, and you have to make a choice in your life, I did, and I feel a whole lot better now, gone trough therapy, the anger is gone, alhough the questions remain..

One of the first things the therapist told me, was that my partner had to make his own desicions, take his own responsibility for his actions, and that I wasn’t his mother, his keeper, and I had to choose for myself in order to be able to make it.

I believe that in this, you have to put your foot down, for the one thing your partner knows, is that you will take him back after every time he has acted out ( what a nice reassuring idea for him that no matter what he does or acts, you will take him back )and in doing so, you are still feeding his addiction, you ARE his enabeler.

Your husband has to hit rock bottem first before he is even willing to do anything about it, for he knows that no matter what, he can always come back to you.

Like you, we had our own company, it went bancrupt because of his addiction, ( he didnt work anymore and let me handle everything )but still he wasnt willing to give his addiction up, I found another job so we had income, and he still didnt give a damn, untill I begged him to get councelling, that this was no way of life, he had to do something to get income, for mine was just enough to get some bills payed, and some food on the table.
Long story short, he didn’t, but he agreed to go to councelling with me after I told him that either he go to councelling with me, or I would leave him. ( he went to councelling before, got admitted, told everyone what THEY WANTED to hear, – manipulative behaviour- but didn’t give a damn and was still feeding his addiction there while in clinic)

After our first session with the councellor, we got home, and found a letter that our house was going to be forclosed, and THEN is when he found out what he had started, that it didn’t only affect him, but me and our son as well..

I stopped taking care of him, his needs, just like the councellor said, stopped making excuses for him to friends and family, and I must say that after taking that desicion, I feel a whole lot better.

He knows that when he falls back, I am leaving, and I think you have to make that choice for yourself as well, not only for your sake, but for your children as well..

Groetjes,
Pip