I have been reading many of the stories on your site, and really feel the need to share mine, and hopefully get some feedback and opinions. I was married in April of this year, and have been dating my husband approximately two years. My story began when I was with him in a restaurant and noticed, what I considered, very odd behavior on his part.
There was a couple sitting at a table across from us. He looked over at the table at least 5 times – almost like it was a compulsion he couldn’t help from doing. I asked him what was so interesting at that table, and his reply was he was curious what kind of salads they were eating. I asked him again, a month later, after I began noticing him looking obsessively at women. This time the story was he thought he knew the guy at the table. Thus began the nightmare!
Long story short. My husband admitted he had a porn addiction the last 8 years of his last marriage, and the porn involved very heavy women dealing with domination and submission. I insisted we go to a therapist. His history revealed he was addicted to work during his first and second marriage, and had no intimacy or sex with his second wife for 8 years, and blamed the porn addiction on that.
During these two years, he was in denial almost up until the time I left him 1 month ago. I made him take a lie detector shortly before we were married, and he passed it with flying colors, therefore I thought he was well on the way to recovery. I later found out he was into his addiction all along, so apparently lied on the test.
So–He went from work addiction to porn, and finally to lusting after women to get his high. He was constantly looking around, lusting, to get his high, and therefore, unable to be intimate with me.
After our marriage, his addiction worsened, and he was cycling on an every other week basis. During these past two years, I have endured constant lying, deception, and minimizing. He would take spells where he would cooperate with counseling, do what he was supposed to do, appear to be getting better, and then relapse and do nothing. He constantly found fault with me physically. (And I am not a bow-wow, and have a nice figure)
He is going to a sex addiction out-patient intensive treatment program in October, and seems motivated toward change, however is still lying to me and the counselor. I most recently checked his computer two weeks in a row, and although I didn’t find any porn on it (I am sure he is smart enough to delete it) I found he deleted quite a few sites from one week to the other, ( He always stated he was only going to sites that involved business transactions.) I found him going to sites that involved downloading movies, many risque pictures, and how to set up another E-mail.
I confronted him, and he told me he knew I could still get in the house and check his computer, so deleted many sites. I told him he is still lying to me and his counselor, and his reply was “That is probably a true statement”.
I would like some opinions on why he continues the lying when he is going to get help, and why would he spend $7,000. to do it. I told him all he had to do was be honest with me, and I would stick with him as long as he was working on his addiction, and he can’t even do that!! The guy can’t tell the truth.
I am presently living back in my condo, and have told him I don’t want to see or talk to him until we go to the addiction clinic in October. Any feedback on if this guy is worth it? I might add he was sexually molested by a neighbor between the ages of 11 and 13, and came from an emotionally distant family with a father who beat him on occasion, and a mother who supposedly watched the abuse and did nothing to stop it.
He is 66 y/o – any chance he can change, or will he continue his manipulation to get what he wants?
I might add that I am a Psych Nurse, so he hasn’t been able to pull much without my being onto him. I am wondering whether to give up. His counselor told me if she had him 30 yrs. ago, she might have been able to help him, but now he is cooperating with her in that he is reading the literature assigned and doing his homework. Again, though, still lying to her, me, and not being honest about his lying in his journaling.
He has a lot of Borderline Personality Traits and obsessive compulsiveness in addition to the addiction What is everyone’s take on this? Being a Psychiatric Nurse, I know the odds are not good, but guess I need to hear some validation.