I remember the good ol’ days. Those days filled with innocence and ideology. Those days when marriage was sacred and I could never envision myself ever forgiving infidelity. I remember wondering what Hillary was thinking when she didn’t divorce Bill. I criticized her for not respecting Chelsea enough to leave that lying, cheating bastard. How easy it was back then to be judgmental before I had walked in her shoes.
How quickly things change when cheating hits us square in the gut and we have to make those tough decisions ourselves. Life just isn’t that simple any more. But, at least now I understand my friends and family who can’t fathom why I am still with Larry and sometimes are just as judgmental as I used to be.
Just as there are stages of grief, research has revealed that there are stages that partners and spouses of Sex Addicts go through when the addiction is discovered. (I’ll do a post on that later) Along with the intense feelings of anger, shock, devastation, disbelief, disappointment and fear most partners and spouses also go through stages of nurturing and premature forgiveness. This forgiveness is usually eroded as more details come to light and the reality of the situation sinks in.
But, as we go through the crisis there comes a time when we have to decide to either leave the relationship or give the Sex Addict a second chance.
I ran across an interesting article in Psychology Today about giving cheating husbands a second chance. Although this particular article is geared toward celebrity marriages there is a lot of good information. Here are just a few sentences from that article:
The biggest problem with cheating on a spouse or significant other is not necessarily the sexual liaison itself, but rather the betrayal of trust it causes. This painful rupture of trust in many cases proves too much to get past. But in others, the partners, when willing and motivated, can sometimes work through this trauma together and salvage their marriage.
So, what does it take for us to try again? What does your spouse or partner have to do to deserve a second chance?
Most importantly I think they must have a real commitment to their recovery. They must have a plan, be able to share that plan with you and stick to it. I think they need to seek and attend counseling and 12 step meetings (I think 12 step programs can be beneficial for Sex Addicts). They must show you, over a length of time–usually at least a year, that they are following their plan and have remained sober. They must be willing to really ‘hear’ your pain and concerns without minimizing, defensiveness or denial. And, they must be willing to abide by your boundaries and be accountable for their choices.
A second chance should never be given lightly, or prematurely or it will have no value. But, to those who are deserving, a second chance can be the beginning of a new and loving relationship.
We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. ~ William Somerset Maugham
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AM,
I’m sorry that you are having such a difficult time; I’m not sure what you were hoping to hear, because we are not here to give you lip service and false hope. We’ll leave that to your very sick husband who’s hood-winked you so badly, it appears that you don’t even know which way is up. I, for one, simply cannot keep my mouth shut when I see a woman being subjected to such abject humiliation and degradation of body mind and spirit. What you are proposing is not “helping” him. You cannot help him. Only HE can help himself. Either he gets it or you look the other way, have an open marriage, join the party, but you are attempting to hold back Niagra Falls here. Why???????? Are you his mother or his wife? I could never live under such conditions, no matter what, but if you must, then God Bless you. If you want some advice on how to survive being married to a sex addict that is obviously in the throes of active addiction…
Here’s mine.
Keep your gynecologist on speed dial.
I’m really sorry, AM,
that we were not able to give you what you were looking for. I hope you are able to work out your life in a way that gives you the kind of resolution that is life-giving.
It is hard to talk about surviving marriage to a sex addict if the SA is not 100% committed to sobriety, and 100% committed to the therapeutic journey that addresses the trauma underneath the addiction. The story you shared about your husband did not reveal these most basic elements. This may be difficult for you to accept, and I urge you again to find your own therapist to help you do more than “survive” a marriage to someone who has not demonstrated the kind of effort or commitment that sobriety and wholeness will require.
JoAnn (whose site this is) remains married to her SA husband. She has boundaries and accountability tools that help them to stay together in his sobriety. You can order her ebook on boundaries for more practical help on how to set up the framework for remaining married to a recovering SA.
In my case, I supported my husband through several therapeutic interventions before the truth came out that he was an SA. I also chose a healing separation agreement instead of Lawyers etc. This agreement was geared toward the hope of coming back together after certain sobriety, therapeutic and relational goals were achieved. I maintained a caring and supportive relationship with my SA husband while living apart, and help onto hope that we might begin again. After discovering that the underlying mental illness of my husbands addiction was more severe than I imagined, I had to realize my expectations were completely unrealistic. My husband sabotaged our steps to reconciliation and set me up for more emotional abuse. This is after he went to 5-7 meetings a week, plus a therapist appt, and working the program like a second job. You can not imagine the sorrow of discovering that even this level of determination would ultimately not change the way he treated me at all.
It distresses me to think of you in such a horrible circumstance. And i find some of your mental gymnastic (like the part about agreeing that what he as continued to conceal from you after claiming full disclosure will not be considered lies) very disturbing. So now he’s got you lying too. I don’t quite get how that is a good thing on which to build your future. You seem like a person with real values and significant commitments. Yet, in just this one example, you have abandoned those things to enter a make-believe world in which he can continue to lie and you will pretend they aren’t.
Please get some support. But if you want a site to tell you how to survive being abused, diminished, and wasted by someone who shows no commitment to changing, I think we will continue to disappoint you. Perhaps reading some other posts under different headings may provide help. YOu may also appreciate the 4 audio interviews JoAnn did with Dr. Barbara Steffens about her book. That’s a great book as well, if you don’t have it already.
Good luck and please stay safe,
D.