Comments on: Should Sex Addicts Get a Second Chance? http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/should-sex-addicts-get-a-second-chance/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:53:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: JoAnn http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/should-sex-addicts-get-a-second-chance/#comment-9850 JoAnn Mon, 01 Aug 2011 12:22:38 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2191#comment-9850 I am sorry, I really hate to do this, but I'm afraid I will have to close the comments for this topic. As you can see by reading the comments it has turned into a forum where people ask questions and answer each other. This simply uses up too much bandwidth for this website, which leaves me with only two options. First, if I exceed the amount of bandwidth that I now pay for each month, the site will not be accessible for the remaining portion of the month, or second, I will have to upgrade to a dedicated server which costs several hundred dollars per month. If you would like to share your story and have our visitors comment you can send it to me at JoAnn@marriedtoasexaddict.com Please consider using the <a href="http://sisterhoodofsupport.com/subscribe" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"> Sisterhood Of Support</a> website if you wish to have forum discussions. I am sorry, I really hate to do this, but I’m afraid I will have to close the comments for this topic.

As you can see by reading the comments it has turned into a forum where people ask questions and answer each other. This simply uses up too much bandwidth for this website, which leaves me with only two options. First, if I exceed the amount of bandwidth that I now pay for each month, the site will not be accessible for the remaining portion of the month, or second, I will have to upgrade to a dedicated server which costs several hundred dollars per month.

If you would like to share your story and have our visitors comment you can send it to me at JoAnn@marriedtoasexaddict.com

Please consider using the Sisterhood Of Support website if you wish to have forum discussions.

]]> By: Jane http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/should-sex-addicts-get-a-second-chance/#comment-9849 Jane Mon, 01 Aug 2011 10:40:28 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2191#comment-9849 Thanks for the suggestion and support, Jeanette. I am leaning towards staying here but it's tough when I consider how that will effect my son. My husband is not overtly walking over women; his addiction is to porn and my son isn't aware of it. My husband has been here all summer and we were not supposed to separate again; we were supposed to return with my husband tomorrow until I caught him on the internet again a few days ago. So if I send my husband back to another state without us, my son will miss his dad terribly and he loves that we are together so much that he insists on both of us going everywhere together; even insignificant things like shopping, etc. I already feel myself pulling away from him (my husband) though because I would have to be blind not to notice how his responses shift selfishly. When I unintentionally found him using porn, his 1st response was to beg me not to leave him but to offer his understanding if I did. (I doubt his sincerity as far as understanding) That was after ensuring me of his sobriety for the last year and explaining that this latest slip up was due to stress and lack of access to "me" if you will, and he subsequently apologized to me for saying that when I called him on it. Next he said that he shares my concerns for our child and laid out a plan for us to stay together in name only for the child's sake, but that he will go back to the other state and we will stay here since our marriage has always been a struggle anyway. Later I told him I agreed with that plan and he seemed angry. He expressed that when he said that earlier that he was feeling depressed. He obviously didn't expect me to take him up on it. Next he came up with a plan that he would go back alone but only for a year, then we would join him. He said it's not what he prefers but it made sense to him. Following that he said something that I can only assume was manipulation; He said that he is concerned that if Gaven doesn't have a father in his life that there could be adverse consequences and he might end up gay. I have an adult son who is gay from a previous relationship and his dad was absent from his life until high school, and then only around a little, so I think he was using that situation to get to me. Then he suggested is a resigned tone of voice that I have a big brother arranged for him. I knew at the time that this was not a sincere concern for our son and this was a manipulative ttactic to get me scared so that I would move with him, but I just told him that I agreed and that I would look into a big brother. He seems so sincere at times though, and I have seen him change in huge ways like giving up drinking when that is a way of life in his family, but every now and then I notice a red flag in his response and I have to think to myself...something isn't right here. Thanks for the suggestion and support, Jeanette. I am leaning towards staying here but it’s tough when I consider how that will effect my son. My husband is not overtly walking over women; his addiction is to porn and my son isn’t aware of it. My husband has been here all summer and we were not supposed to separate again; we were supposed to return with my husband tomorrow until I caught him on the internet again a few days ago. So if I send my husband back to another state without us, my son will miss his dad terribly and he loves that we are together so much that he insists on both of us going everywhere together; even insignificant things like shopping, etc. I already feel myself pulling away from him (my husband) though because I would have to be blind not to notice how his responses shift selfishly. When I unintentionally found him using porn, his 1st response was to beg me not to leave him but to offer his understanding if I did. (I doubt his sincerity as far as understanding) That was after ensuring me of his sobriety for the last year and explaining that this latest slip up was due to stress and lack of access to “me” if you will, and he subsequently apologized to me for saying that when I called him on it. Next he said that he shares my concerns for our child and laid out a plan for us to stay together in name only for the child’s sake, but that he will go back to the other state and we will stay here since our marriage has always been a struggle anyway. Later I told him I agreed with that plan and he seemed angry. He expressed that when he said that earlier that he was feeling depressed. He obviously didn’t expect me to take him up on it. Next he came up with a plan that he would go back alone but only for a year, then we would join him. He said it’s not what he prefers but it made sense to him. Following that he said something that I can only assume was manipulation; He said that he is concerned that if Gaven doesn’t have a father in his life that there could be adverse consequences and he might end up gay. I have an adult son who is gay from a previous relationship and his dad was absent from his life until high school, and then only around a little, so I think he was using that situation to get to me. Then he suggested is a resigned tone of voice that I have a big brother arranged for him. I knew at the time that this was not a sincere concern for our son and this was a manipulative ttactic to get me scared so that I would move with him, but I just told him that I agreed and that I would look into a big brother. He seems so sincere at times though, and I have seen him change in huge ways like giving up drinking when that is a way of life in his family, but every now and then I notice a red flag in his response and I have to think to myself…something isn’t right here.

]]> By: Lorraine (now Lexie) http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/should-sex-addicts-get-a-second-chance/#comment-9848 Lorraine (now Lexie) Mon, 01 Aug 2011 01:20:21 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2191#comment-9848 Jane, Almost ALL of us have kids with special needs. Its as common as cornflakes. Personality and neurological disorders are inherited traits. Your husband almost definitely has diagnosed or undiagnosed AD/HD along with a co-morbid addictive personality disorder. Has he ever been treated for ADD or AD/HD? Adults who've never been properly treated will often resort to substance abuse in adulthood as it helps them to feel better. But, prescription meds are better and can sometimes help, and sometimes can't. It might be too late. Sadly, people with multiple addictions are at the bottom of the totem pole for recovery. Its not that they don't want to recover, in a lot of cases. They can't. They can for a while, but then... the pull is just too powerful/and/or they substitute another substance. (sex, shopping, gambling, drugs, liquor, etc), so the prognosis is very poor. I don't know what to say, but if you've already told him that you would leave, then I would leave. I think that in that case, you've already made your decision. I would trust my instincts and your instincts for self-preservation are spot on. It is not going to be detrimental to your son, handled properly. My mother divorced my father and it was the most blessed thing she could've ever done for us. But, I also understand your situation, because raising a special needs child on one's own is very, very difficult. But for whatever its worth, I agree completely with Jeanette, if you can possibly swing it, I think it's better for the child, in the long run. xo ~ Lexie Jane,

Almost ALL of us have kids with special needs. Its as common as cornflakes. Personality and neurological disorders are inherited traits. Your husband almost definitely has diagnosed or undiagnosed AD/HD along with a co-morbid addictive personality disorder. Has he ever been treated for ADD or AD/HD? Adults who’ve never been properly treated will often resort to substance abuse in adulthood as it helps them to feel better. But, prescription meds are better and can sometimes help, and sometimes can’t. It might be too late. Sadly, people with multiple addictions are at the bottom of the totem pole for recovery. Its not that they don’t want to recover, in a lot of cases. They can’t. They can for a while, but then… the pull is just too powerful/and/or they substitute another substance. (sex, shopping, gambling, drugs, liquor, etc), so the prognosis is very poor.

I don’t know what to say, but if you’ve already told him that you would leave, then I would leave. I think that in that case, you’ve already made your decision. I would trust my instincts and your instincts for self-preservation are spot on. It is not going to be detrimental to your son, handled properly. My mother divorced my father and it was the most blessed thing she could’ve ever done for us. But, I also understand your situation, because raising a special needs child on one’s own is very, very difficult.

But for whatever its worth, I agree completely with Jeanette, if you can possibly swing it, I think it’s better for the child, in the long run.

xo ~ Lexie

]]> By: jeanette http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/should-sex-addicts-get-a-second-chance/#comment-9842 jeanette Sun, 31 Jul 2011 12:01:55 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2191#comment-9842 Jane, Then you need to do this for your son. What kind of environment do you think he will grow up in? Do you want him to end up like his father? Do you want your son to see that walking over women is proper. Is this what you want for both your lives? Do the hard thing, because it is the right thing. Bringing that child back into such an unstable envirnment will not benefit him in any way. Like yourself well enough to do this. The break for you child has already occurred, why put him through that again. Read the stories on this site over and over again, and think hard about what you are considering. Jane,

Then you need to do this for your son. What kind of environment do you think he will grow up in? Do you want him to end up like his father? Do you want your son to see that walking over women is proper. Is this what you want for both your lives?

Do the hard thing, because it is the right thing. Bringing that child back into such an unstable envirnment will not benefit him in any way. Like yourself well enough to do this. The break for you child has already occurred, why put him through that again.

Read the stories on this site over and over again, and think hard about what you are considering.

]]> By: Jane http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/should-sex-addicts-get-a-second-chance/#comment-9841 Jane Sun, 31 Jul 2011 06:07:26 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2191#comment-9841 I related to some of the things mentioned by AM regarding commonalities, except the crazy mother; unless you consider a mom who went through depression issues during my childhood crazy. She is otherwise uncrazy. But my husband is closely and resentfully tied to his mom. I also could relate to expecting very little from him and thinking I'm doing reasonably well. He blew it big and lost his position at work. He was able to find a new one,and the 2nd chance was quickly granted from me. I saw him give up everything, not just his internet habits but his drinking, ebay addictions (yes, it was really that bad) and even coffee, although that one came right back. He faithfully and of his choice attended SA meetings. I thought he was really turning it around. Then he had to leave town for a year for a job. Upon his return visit it was found that he was back at it. We were preparing to move to join him. I told him I am not coming. Having a hard time sticking to it though. I have a child who is a daddys boy with special needs who needs him too and that's my main concern. I told him after I forgave him last year that I would leave if he blew it again for sure, and that wasn't the 1st time I forgave this. I am finding it difficult to follow through even though I know that if I have learned anything, it's that my word means nothing to him because he knows I have stayed with him through the many years of catching him at this and I even stayed when the consequences were devastating in the sense that we lost our savings, our insurance, and if we joined him out of state as we were planning to, our home and stability, what little of that was left. The thing I have to decide is whether or not I can do what Lexie suggested; Live with him as he is, as Lexie's friend suggested to her, despite the fact that it just reinforces to him that my word means nothing so I know he will continue to do whatever he wants and pretend he isnt. The sad thing is that I don't feel the trauma for myself anymore. It wasn't too surprising and I am tempted to say that I am indifferent, except for the fact that we have a child who may potentially end up with the pain of a divorce situation. It didn't even evoke anger in me. Just disappointment and it was more so for my son. I related to some of the things mentioned by AM regarding commonalities, except the crazy mother; unless you consider a mom who went through depression issues during my childhood crazy. She is otherwise uncrazy. But my husband is closely and resentfully tied to his mom. I also could relate to expecting very little from him and thinking I’m doing reasonably well. He blew it big and lost his position at work. He was able to find a new one,and the 2nd chance was quickly granted from me. I saw him give up everything, not just his internet habits but his drinking, ebay addictions (yes, it was really that bad) and even coffee, although that one came right back. He faithfully and of his choice attended SA meetings. I thought he was really turning it around. Then he had to leave town for a year for a job. Upon his return visit it was found that he was back at it. We were preparing to move to join him. I told him I am not coming. Having a hard time sticking to it though. I have a child who is a daddys boy with special needs who needs him too and that’s my main concern. I told him after I forgave him last year that I would leave if he blew it again for sure, and that wasn’t the 1st time I forgave this. I am finding it difficult to follow through even though I know that if I have learned anything, it’s that my word means nothing to him because he knows I have stayed with him through the many years of catching him at this and I even stayed when the consequences were devastating in the sense that we lost our savings, our insurance, and if we joined him out of state as we were planning to, our home and stability, what little of that was left. The thing I have to decide is whether or not I can do what Lexie suggested; Live with him as he is, as Lexie’s friend suggested to her, despite the fact that it just reinforces to him that my word means nothing so I know he will continue to do whatever he wants and pretend he isnt. The sad thing is that I don’t feel the trauma for myself anymore. It wasn’t too surprising and I am tempted to say that I am indifferent, except for the fact that we have a child who may potentially end up with the pain of a divorce situation. It didn’t even evoke anger in me. Just disappointment and it was more so for my son.

]]>