I like to think of Passive Aggressive behaviors as 'polite hostility'. They say one thing while meaning another, and they 'kind of' want you to know what they really mean, but can't face the repercussions. So, they leave you there, scratching your head trying to figure out their mixed signals. It can really make you crazy!
After 17 ½ year into the marriage he told me of his sexual orientation. The 1st thing he said to me is “If I could change it I would”. Based on that, I agreed to stay and see what could be done. He agreed that there would be no further activity and he would leave no stone unturned in trying to sort out what had been done to him, the subsequent behavior and to see if his orientation could be changed or not.
About 9 months ago, I have started feeling he is keeping some secrets from me,,,,work trips extending to the weekends, spending days at a friend s house in Belgium that I have never heard of! When I finally got so frustrated and confronted him, he told me his dark secret…it was more than I could bear.
The effects of living with a Sex Addict are subtle but deep, destructive to our sense of safety, emotionally devastating and life changing. As the relationship with a Sex Addict progresses our personalities change. We try to find normal ways to deal with an abnormal situation. Sex Addicts have two sides to their personalities and the deception over who they are, what they believe in and what they are doing presents an ever changing, contradictory picture that is impossible to make sense of.
So many of you are experiencing such crisis in your lives. I can only hope that each and every one of you know that my wish is not only to give you hope and comfort through this web site, but also to raise the collective energy to help you through these tough times.
For you to share with my blessing, hoping it will do some good for someone as well as allow me to release a little bit of pain. Please just call me J. Thanks! Here is my story. It is exhausting to tell. I feel like I need to tell it though, because for the first time in my life my silence and shame about being married to a sex addict is ending and I am opening up to sharing and hence, erasing the fear. Forgive me if my details are confusing at any point. I have large portions of memory/time that are lost to me. I guess we can experience something like PTSD when we have internalized being married to an addict for so long. What do you think? I am intelligent, capable and loving, from a loving childhood home, yet I have not escaped the pain of sex addiction in my marriage. […]
Those of you who have been following this site know that I recently censured a comment posted by a reader named thora1. I did this because it contained graphic descriptions of her sexual behaviors. I have decided to post her story here, with just a few portions deleted and with my thoughts placed within her story in bold. The reason that I have chosen to feature Thora’s story is because she is an active Sex Addict with multiple addictions who is in a relationship with another Sex Addict who is also a drug addict. Why should we care about this? Well, first, because she is a woman in pain who has reached out to us. And, in addition, her minimizing and denial is so perfectly articulated I felt that my readers would get a better understanding of how Sex Addicts tick. I have been brutally critical with Thora and I hope she will understand that the only way she can ever recover is to face her addictions and do the things she must to change her life. It will be interesting to see if she is up to the challenge. Here is her original story with my comments in bold. […]
I’ve seen it happen so many times. A Sex Addiction is discovered. There are tears and screams, anger, pain, threats and lots of smoke and mirrors. After the dust settles you have conversations–lots of them, some good, most of them bad, but it helps clear the air. Then you are both spent, emotionally drained. That’s when it happens. And it happens early, usually within the first few weeks or maybe even a few months of the time of the discovery. Both of you start to talk about the future, and there is hope. Your spouse or partner glows with new insights and understanding of their addiction. Apologies, flowers, poems and letters of undying love flow like quicksilver and date nights filled with passion bring a sense of renewed commitment. You let your guard down and start to hope again. I like to compare this to the eye of a hurricane. […]