spouses of Sex Addicts

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Share Your Story

Sharing our stories is good therapy. Women do this well; we laugh, we cry, we talk, pace, gesture and pull our hair out. We throw things, eat, purge, binge, scream and vent with each other. Then, when the storm has passed, we hug one another and sit down together to [...]

Discovery

Our path to recovery starts with discovery. The ways that each of us find out about our spouse’s Sexual Addiction are as varied as the types of addiction. Some of us are jolted into painful reality with a phone call from the local jail, the other woman or man, or just by having to face the overwhelming evidence that we have been trying to ignore. Rarely, our spouse may have become so distressed with their way of life that they will shock us with a confession. But, however it happens, the initial discovery is only the beginning. It took over four years for my husband to reveal the full spectrum of his addictive activities. This partial disclosure is quite common among Sex Addicts. Often those who are confronted will vehemently deny any wrongdoing and only fess up to what absolutely cannot be denied. This kind of behavior can make you crazy. Not only is the frustration enough to make you want to scream, but over time a more insidious pattern emerges where we begin to doubt ourselves. […]

Confronting The Sex Addict

Whether you have just discovered your spouse or partner's clandestine sexual behaviors, or you are painfully discovering new or repeated evidence, you will need to make a decision about how to confront them.

Depression and Sex Addiction

As we know, there is no ‘magic pill’ for Sex Addiction, but there may be some hope for the large percentage of addicts who suffer from depression. I remember my life before my husband started taking antidepressants. It was pure HELL! Not only was he acting out (which I didn’t know) but he was the classic Mr. Doom and Gloom. Nothing was ever right. If it was raining it was ‘crappy outside’. If the sun was out it was ‘too damn hot’, if it was Tuesday…well, you get the picture. He was just miserable to live with and he made everyone around him miserable too. He refused to discuss depression with his doctor claiming that he was not depressed, he was just feeling down about his life circumstances–an ex wife from hell, an estranged relationship with his daughters, superiors at work who didn’t like him–oh he always had an excuse. […]

Setting Boundaries

An important part of staying in a relationship with a Sex Addict is setting boundaries. These boundaries let the Sex Addict know that they can no longer abuse you and that you value yourself and have the self confidence to stand up for what you know is right for you. These boundaries also act as the ‘line in the sand’ that makes very clear what actions you will not accept from your spouse or partner. […]

Book Update And Other Things

If you read the quote below you will understand when I say that writing my book, Married To A Sex Addict, has taken over my life. It has not quite reached the tyrant stage, but it is close. This is a good thing, but it doesn't leave much time for [...]

How Did You Find Out?

The book is coming along nicely and yesterday I was working on a section about Discovery–how and when we find out that our spouse or partner is a Sex Addict. I can remember the day I found out as if it were yesterday. It was a Thursday and I was off work. While sorting through the stack of mail from the previous few days I noticed that a bank statement that I had seen come in was missing. […]

The Triple Whammy High Of Sex Addiction

One of the most difficult aspects to understand about Sex Addiction is why the addict will risk their marriages, careers, family, children, financial security, social status and literally their entire life for the seemingly small reward of a quick sexual encounter. We non addicts just can’t make sense of it all. […]

What Do You Need?

What do you need right now from your Sex Addict partner or spouse? For me, the most important piece in our recovery was honest communication. Until my husband got rid of his defensiveness and started telling me the truth there was really no hope for us. What do you think [...]

Disclosures

Finding out that your spouse or partner has a Sex Addiction is both devastating and life changing, but what follows that discovery is often so much worse. It is rare that a Sex Addict ‘comes clean’ about his addiction. Often their secret life is discovered by a spouse or partner who confronts them with the evidence, or their activities result in job loss, legal action or arrest. […]

I Have A Dream

Just imagine...A group meeting where kindred souls come together; a place of sharing and empowerment, discussions and suggestions; each strengthening and supporting without dogma, authoritarianism or judgment. A place to ask for and give advice. A place to find comfort and direction. A place where emotions can be expressed without [...]

Grieving Your Losses Part 1

When you find out that your spouse or partner is a Sex Addict a piece of you dies. You lose your sense of reality and equilibrium, your self esteem, your lifestyle, your hope and your trust. It’s as if everything you believed in and everything that existed has suddenly been shattered. The world you thought was real disappears, leaving behind a dark and ugly landscape strewn with lies and deception. The person you love is suddenly a stranger and you no longer feel safe in your own home. […]

Excerpt From The Book ‘Married To A Sex Addict’

Everything You NEVER WANTED TO KNOW About Sex Addiction Okay, you know all the definitions and, like myself, you may even wonder if Sex Addiction is a real disease or just a convenient cop out for bad behavior. But, semantics aside, the problem is very real, so let me put in my two cents and tell you what I think Sex Addiction is. First, let me clarify that for lack of a better term, I will continue to use the term Sex Addict for the person who engages in behaviors that are addressed in this book. […]

Sex Addiction–Fact or Fiction?

Is there really such a thing as Sexual Addiction? Is Sex Addiction an uncontrollable, inbred, genetic disorder that cannot be reversed or cured? Is Sex Addiction a psychological disorder brought about by childhood trauma or abuse? Or, are Sex Addicts simply self-centered, immature and immoral jerks; individuals who lack impulse control and who seek pleasurable experiences without considering the consequences? Ask ten counselors or psychiatrists and you will probably get at least that many answers. The major 12 step groups for Sex Addicts have varying but similar views […]

Media Coverage Of Sex Addiction Can Help Alleviate Shame

Wow! You can’t get more mainstream than the Wall Street Journal! In my research I ran across this article and was impressed by it’s no-nonsense approach and helpful links. Oprah, Good Morning America, Dr. Phil and many others in the media have done much to educate the public about the problem of Sex Addiction and as the public becomes more aware of the seriousness of this issue the stigma and sensationalism of the topic will hopefully decline. I am optimistic that this education of the masses will have a positive ripple effect on all Sex Addicts. Sexual Addiction is based on shame. The addict, for whatever reason, […]

Addiction Recovery

Probably the most controversial issue surrounding addictions of all types is recovery. Most recovery programs are based on the AA 12 step model. Statistics are difficult to decipher and recovery rates vary from 5% to almost 100%. The higher stats don’t take into account all the members who come to a few meetings and, for whatever reason, never return. Of course, those who stay will claim a 100% recovery rate. Scientific data on the 12 step programs show that the recovery rate is almost exactly the same as no intervention at all, which will result in a spontaneous recovery of about 5% of addicts. It is unfortunate that the mindset of our society is […]

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