Comments on: The Triple Whammy High Of Sex Addiction http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/the-triple-whammy-high-of-sex-addiction/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Fri, 18 May 2012 15:55:57 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: rebecca http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/the-triple-whammy-high-of-sex-addiction/#comment-3056 rebecca Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:47:51 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=864#comment-3056 I read my husband my question and your reply and I asked if he would respond since I didn't have the answers. He agreed and plans to tomorrow, he promised to be brutally honest in his answers. I read my husband my question and your reply and I asked if he would respond since I didn’t have the answers. He agreed and plans to tomorrow, he promised to be brutally honest in his answers.

]]> By: JoAnn http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/the-triple-whammy-high-of-sex-addiction/#comment-3055 JoAnn Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:36:16 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=864#comment-3055 I hope you didn't misunderstand. Sex Addicts do enjoy the sex, much more than the average person because of the build up, called the 'trance'. If you read some of my other articles you will see that their highs are really high, but their lows are awful. The high that they get from the orgasm is brief and is very quickly followed by shame and despair. Why did your husband not feel a responsibility toward his marriage vows for all these years? How was he able to compartmentalize what he was doing? Why did he not feel bad about his deception, lying and deceit? Addictive behavior is very predictable, and your husband sounds as if he is in those early stages where the addict will say or do anything to minimize and put aside their behavior. He is not powerless, no one is. If he is sincere about overcoming his illness he needs to face what he has done, take responsibility for all the harm he has done and get to work on a recovery program. That's how he can make you happy. This flush of attentiveness soon after discovery is quite common, but it will not last. Recovery is hard, hard work for both of you. If he is serious the only way you will every learn to trust him again is if he shows you every day that he is willing to continue counseling to find the root cause of his addiction, to go to 12 step or other support group meetings and, most of all, be absolutely transparent and honest about everything. There is a wonderful, free program online for couples or spouses of Sex Addicts, the link is on my 'Favorite Links' section, or just click here: http://www.recoverynation.com/ You can get through this, and you will be stronger and wiser for it. My thoughts are with you. I hope you didn’t misunderstand. Sex Addicts do enjoy the sex, much more than the average person because of the build up, called the ‘trance’. If you read some of my other articles you will see that their highs are really high, but their lows are awful. The high that they get from the orgasm is brief and is very quickly followed by shame and despair.

Why did your husband not feel a responsibility toward his marriage vows for all these years? How was he able to compartmentalize what he was doing? Why did he not feel bad about his deception, lying and deceit?

Addictive behavior is very predictable, and your husband sounds as if he is in those early stages where the addict will say or do anything to minimize and put aside their behavior.

He is not powerless, no one is. If he is sincere about overcoming his illness he needs to face what he has done, take responsibility for all the harm he has done and get to work on a recovery program. That’s how he can make you happy. This flush of attentiveness soon after discovery is quite common, but it will not last. Recovery is hard, hard work for both of you.

If he is serious the only way you will every learn to trust him again is if he shows you every day that he is willing to continue counseling to find the root cause of his addiction, to go to 12 step or other support group meetings and, most of all, be absolutely transparent and honest about everything.

There is a wonderful, free program online for couples or spouses of Sex Addicts, the link is on my ‘Favorite Links’ section, or just click here:

http://www.recoverynation.com/

You can get through this, and you will be stronger and wiser for it. My thoughts are with you.

]]> By: rebecca http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/the-triple-whammy-high-of-sex-addiction/#comment-3054 rebecca Wed, 17 Feb 2010 00:14:04 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=864#comment-3054 Thanks JoAnn, I guess I didn't see like that, I thought he was doing it because that is what he enjoyed, not as a medication for pain. I just wish he could tell me what pain he has because he came from a good family and he acts like he truly doesn't know where his behavior stems from. His excuse is that toward the end of his last marriage he started getting sensual massages when he would go out of town and enjoyed it so kept doing it all the way into our marriage, of course much more happened than a massage. He also says that he convinced himself that as long as I didn't know than it wasn't hurting me, and what I didn't know didn't know really didn't count, and that is how he could act so honest. Now he claims he realizes that he cant do this and that he wants to make me happy. (this has been going on the last 10 yrs). He told me to monitor the computer because he is powerless. He has been very attentive and really enjoying me for the first time in yeras and he seems to have remorse. He said in the past he never felt bad for what he did, he just felt bad when he got caught that he made me sad. I'm very confused, one day I'm gun ho about leaving and the next I think we can make it. I hate this disease!!! Thanks JoAnn, I guess I didn’t see like that, I thought he was doing it because that is what he enjoyed, not as a medication for pain.
I just wish he could tell me what pain he has because he came from a good family and he acts like he truly doesn’t know where his behavior stems from.
His excuse is that toward the end of his last marriage he started getting sensual massages when he would go out of town and enjoyed it so kept doing it all the way into our marriage, of course much more happened than a massage.
He also says that he convinced himself that as long as I didn’t know than it wasn’t hurting me, and what I didn’t know didn’t know really didn’t count, and that is how he could act so honest. Now he claims he realizes that he cant do this and that he wants to make me happy. (this has been going on the last 10 yrs). He told me to monitor the computer because he is powerless. He has been very attentive and really enjoying me for the first time in yeras and he seems to have remorse. He said in the past he never felt bad for what he did, he just felt bad when he got caught that he made me sad. I’m very confused, one day I’m gun ho about leaving and the next I think we can make it. I hate this disease!!!

]]> By: JoAnn http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/the-triple-whammy-high-of-sex-addiction/#comment-3052 JoAnn Tue, 16 Feb 2010 12:03:25 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=864#comment-3052 Is this something you really want to do and will enjoy or are you considering it just for him? The answer will determine if you are simply expressing your sexual preferences or engaging in co-addictive behavior. Recovery from Sexual Addiction requires that the addict stop all behaviors that are harmful to themselves and others. Just because he still has urges to act out and just because he had a minor slip by going on the site does not mean that he has to act on them. Recovery is all about learning healthier ways of dealing with stress and triggers. It is important to realize that a Sex Addict is not making a lifestyle choice. They are caught in a downward spiral of harmful, compulsive, escalating behaviors that threaten their very lives. Sex Addicts are unable to connect in an intimate way and are using sex, not as a pleasurable act, but as a medication for their internal pain. Suggesting that he should continue these activities with your blessing would be disastrous for both of you. My advice would be to support him in his recovery efforts by working on improving your self esteem, educating yourself on the addiction and recovery process and establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and the relationship and rather than toying with unhealthy options that are certain to be detrimental to his recovery. Is this something you really want to do and will enjoy or are you considering it just for him? The answer will determine if you are simply expressing your sexual preferences or engaging in co-addictive behavior.

Recovery from Sexual Addiction requires that the addict stop all behaviors that are harmful to themselves and others. Just because he still has urges to act out and just because he had a minor slip by going on the site does not mean that he has to act on them. Recovery is all about learning healthier ways of dealing with stress and triggers.

It is important to realize that a Sex Addict is not making a lifestyle choice. They are caught in a downward spiral of harmful, compulsive, escalating behaviors that threaten their very lives. Sex Addicts are unable to connect in an intimate way and are using sex, not as a pleasurable act, but as a medication for their internal pain. Suggesting that he should continue these activities with your blessing would be disastrous for both of you.

My advice would be to support him in his recovery efforts by working on improving your self esteem, educating yourself on the addiction and recovery process and establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and the relationship and rather than toying with unhealthy options that are certain to be detrimental to his recovery.

]]> By: rebecca http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/the-triple-whammy-high-of-sex-addiction/#comment-3051 rebecca Tue, 16 Feb 2010 08:49:52 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=864#comment-3051 I have a question because my husband is trying super hard and really seems to want to be good to me. He admitted that he still thinks about it and he also admitted that he went on the site once where he previously found prostitutes. He is taking a lie detector test next Monday to prove he has been 100% since I caught him (besides going on the site once). So my question is, if this is what he likes to do, what if I'm more open minded and I let him do some things as long as I'm there and not excluded, could it work? He gets to get his "sex addict fix" and I don't feel excluded. Just asking because I do love him and if this could possibly work, it may be something to explore. I hope yall don't think I'm being too ridiculous. I have a question because my husband is trying super hard and really seems to want to be good to me. He admitted that he still thinks about it and he also admitted that he went on the site once where he previously found prostitutes. He is taking a lie detector test next Monday to prove he has been 100% since I caught him (besides going on the site once).

So my question is, if this is what he likes to do, what if I’m more open minded and I let him do some things as long as I’m there and not excluded, could it work? He gets to get his “sex addict fix” and I don’t feel excluded. Just asking because I do love him and if this could possibly work, it may be something to explore. I hope yall don’t think I’m being too ridiculous.

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