I’m so sorry for all the anguish!…I want to second Lexie’s advice…I know you think you are doing the better thing for your daughter by staying vs leaving, but I’m not so sure…I can relate to a large degree with your dilemma. I just left my SAH and we also have children – 2 daughters, a 3.5 and 1 year old…

Legally, while your daughter is a minor he HAS to give you child support so you would have some financial income from him…and with God/the Universe on your side (and your strength which you will find!), it is highly likely you would find at least some part-time work to supplement that income. AND it is nearly impossible for him to win custody of her. At best (worst?), he’d have joint legal custody (most likely with you having primary custody…the law favors that for the mother).

I know you fear he would not take care of her properly during the days she would be with him…but maybe he would be a much better father to her as a part-time one? Especially since most SAHs are so image-conscious he would want to make it part of his “marketing campaign” what a good dad he is? Maybe she and you have such a communicative relationship that she’d absolutely tell you if she witnessed anything inappropriate (to which you could maybe take legal action if you needed to or at least with Child Services for supervised visitation)? I’m just saying there are other hypothetical scenarios…and they may be better than what you think…OR, not that I’m saying this is a good thing for her…but maybe if you left he’d see her less and less over the years so there would be less alone time between them than you would need to worry about…

Ultimately, it’s in YOUR best interest to leave him and that will ultimately serve your daughter WELL! My therapist made the analogy to me using breastfeeding. We cannot nourish our children unless we provide nourishment to ourselves first.

I hope you find the strength, courage and support you need to make the most peaceful and fulfilling decisions for yourself and your daughter.

All my best to you!
Xo

What would you tell your daughter in 30 years, if she were in your position? Would you tell her to stay?

There is no way that we can ever keep our children 100% safe from anything or anyone, and no one is with their children 100% of the time, even if we are under the same roof. You do go out sometimes, right? My sick father, would beat me up, but only when everyone was out of the house. Also, in a few years… whoa! hang on, honey… she’ll be a teenager! And she’s going to look like an adult.

If it was me, I would want to set an example that I would wish for her to emulate. That kind of abuse, is not acceptable to me. My boys are a lot older, but they really understand that and respect me for my decision.

Please, if you can, find some professional help in terms of a skilled therapist to run these things past as well as a lawyer. I think that you may be operating under some erroneous misconceptions, where the law is concerned. You DO have rights and are protected under those rights to receive your due share from your husband, should you separate or divorce. There’s also a wealth of information, available online.

all my best ~ Lexie

I’m operating on very little sleep, but I just had to comment– (in, until the end)

I live in a crazy world. He has the mindset that if I cannot physically prove the accusation, it did not happen.

(yes, crazy is right)

He does not openly flirt anymore,

(that’s what facebook is for)

and I don’t think he is having an affair as in the past.
I’m wondering if he might be into prostitution. In the last couple of years, I have caught him with wads of cash totally out of character. I found a history of addresses o his gps of places he would not likely go. I passed him on my way to work one morning when he was supposed to be at our health club, no way he could have been in both places.

(*well, you know… if itquacks like a dick, walks like a dick, lies like a dick, its a…)

He denied that I saw him.

(nice)

I know for sure it was him. He got out of bed the other morning when he assumed I had already left for the health club. It was. 5:30 in the morning. He never gets up that early. When he realized I had not left home yet, he went back to bed. What’s that about?

(see above*)

When queried, he claimed he ws checking the stock market. At 5:30 a.m. Markets dont open until 7:00. I know for a fact he hides thousands of dollars from me.

(wtf???)

When I tell him I want to leave, he is so rational and begs me to stay.

(gaslighting, is the more common term for this heinous phenomenon, or as I like to call it— mindfuck)

We moved to this current area 12 years ago after our children left home. It is the area where I grew up. We have lots of friends and family here. They all think he is great, a dotting husband and father.

(classic)

I feel like I am living with the devil in disguise.

(also, classic)

I wish I could provide physical evidence to him that I know he acting out. Any ideas about computer software, etc ?

***

Honey, I actually don’t recommend doing that. Oh, you COULD do that. But, what are you going to do with the information, once you find it? And what are you going to do, with the crazy that is going to live inside your head? You don’t want to go there. you really, really don’t… its not a pretty place; at best, its an excruciating exercise is masochistic self-torture. And what IS he going to do, after you provide him with the evidence of what he knows that he’s already doing, that he doesn’t want you to know that he’s doing? More of the same abusive crap. You already know everything you need to know and believe me, what you know, is only the tip of the… uhhhh… well, let’s not go there. Please take it from someone who loves to torture herself with that shet. Its only going to destroy your lovely soul, even more. You have all of the proof that you need. He’s a porn addict. He has affairs. He sees prostitutes. He lies. He hides money (and spends it like crazy, on this shit.) He lies some more. He’s manipulating, sneaky, devious, deceptive, where you’re concerned,(unless he gets caught and then he is “ashamed”) but a heckuva nice guy to EVERYONE else!

He’s a very sick man—

A sex addict. a sociopath. I just came back from a retreat with 8 other women, that I met on HERE!!! Awesome and fantastic! Our stories all mirror yours.

save yourself, honey.

you sound like a terrific, lovely woman. you have friends, family. Find a good therapist to guide you through all of this. Make your plan.

File for divorce and claim your life back! Don’t confront. Don’t try to change him. (its impossible, anyway). just save yourself!

That’s my plan, anyway!

All my best and if you want and need more support, please try out the sister sight, http://sisterhoodofsupport.com/

Lexie