Just back to this thread now
Thanks for your words! I think thats kind of what I’ve done, but maybe in not such a direct way.
At the suggestion of my counsellor a while back, on the basis that I kinda-sorta wanted to see if our relationship could work, we entered into a 12 month agreement where we would remain married and no choices about leaving were to be made till the 12 months were up, or we could extend the trial period at that time. Now this bears in mind that neither party is to do anything to hurt the relationship on purpose. Acting out hurts the relationship, and is a deal breaker. But other than that, we are meant to be free to speak openly without the other stomping out and sayong “oh efff this, I’m outa here”
My H knows that I do not know if we will be together at the end. He knows that I cannot make that choice right now. The best I can give him is that I asked for (an recieved) an engagement ring. I refuse to wear my old ones.

I’m not tryig to make plans I’m a bit further along than I was when I wrote that post. Ya, stil bothers me that in 12 months time he could be doing the same ole thing, and I’ll have wasted my time. However, I will know in my heart that I tried.

I will tell you I recently had dinner (platonicly) with an old boyfriend. The effect for me wasn’t so good. I think it made me feel like I missed out on the potential of a more normal life. Hence I am more depressed. I am afraid any “benifits” would have made it worse (for me at least).

It is exhausting living this way. My best to you

Now my SA comes across as the most kind an loving person, but when it comes to proof and evidence, there is none. as in “show me the money” …show me how you love me and help take care of the house. He makes no effort towards the house, finances and now no effort toward forgiveness or repairing the betrayel in any kind of noticealbe way. He does attend meetings and thearpy once a week, but this is no way even comes close to the work he needs to do. I feel sometimes that I as well am being not kind or loving, but this has been the story of our marriage. I am no longer excepting shreds when i want the whole big picture. This is no longer “good enough” for me.

So far my SA has been at this for a little over nine months, a year is in February. Little has changed, and so far my optimism has gone lower and lower each month. I am getting what I figured I would, and he has not changed, nor would it appear that he will anytime soon…possibly not ever.

I would not have an affair, it is better to make a clean break and then move. Nothing fair in making the worst a nightmare. Not to metion be wary of the kind of man you attract who is happy to date a married women!?!? TROUBLE. Plus you have to be carefull about what you are doing to yourself and your son. Take care of him, focus on you an him. I know this does not make sense. But it will bring you more joy than your SA can or is possible of. Paint, go for walks, join a group or club (meetup.com is a good place to start), town recreational things tend to be cheap (park and rec department), get that pet you or your son always wanted etc. etc.

Now that my SA is gone the computer is no longer locked and we can stream netflix on the Wii without having to worry about content. I have three kids, you can make it work if you really put your mind to it an be creative.

Hugs and Stay Strong

ATST, I am finding it hard to live in the grey zone that’s become my life. Half in, half out. It’s easier to be raging than feel numb. I am going through a spot just now where I feel perilously close to breakdown and final options. The sex addict seems to see that I am not doing well but does absolutely nothing. There is no discussion about my not coping; it’s just business as usual for him. Holy crap! If I saw a friend dragging him/herself around for days, I’d sit right down and find out what’s happening.

But I know what the deal is. He’s afraid. Afraid I’m going to kick him out and what will he do then. He’s got no friends. He’s got nowhere to go. Part of me feels bad about doing that. I don’t know why. Kind-hearted or a fool or maybe both. A lot of my hesitation comes from wondering how I can look after my son as it’s physically demanding. If I leave, it falls 100% on me. Right now, I can at least get help from the spouse for that.

Which brings me to this: I’m tired of making allowances and having to watch my back. What about what I want? I have considered an affair. I wouldn’t do it behind his back. I’d be upfront. A friend with benefits. Someone who really cared about me because I sure as hell don’t feel cared about. Yes, he dotes and he smothers but it’s all about him. He needs a hug so he should get one.

Having gotten that all off my chest, I probably wouldn’t be able to pull something like that off but if given half a chance, I’d run with it. Does that make me a bad person? Should I just focus on preparing to leave over the long run?
Thanks for listening.

Marian

Not sure if you are still following this thread. When you say, “if its all enough? Sure, he’s doing good now, but what about in 12 months when he thinks I won’t leave…” I have the same worry. I was spending so much time being bitchy beacuse I didn’t want him to think he was off the hook so to speak.
Maybe this will help you…it helped me. I was told to tell him that I don’t know what our future hold or if I will stay or go down the road. For now I am staying and inviting you to be a part of this family but please don’t mistake my pleasant demeanor or affection as having settled for staying.

I am probably not wording it correctly but it gave me some peace to give myself permission to decide down the road. I felt so pressured to make my decision now. Because in essence he is doing everything now that he should. He isn’t denying or rationalizing and is in an active aggressive counseling program. So I will let time tell and meanwhile I will slowly gather some financial resources for myself just to have. It will be slow and may not amount to much.

Although the idea of even leaving down the road I know scares me. I do love him and am probably too afraid to be alone. But maybe 5 years down the road things will be different but i might have a nest egg.

Who knows