I bet most people would think that having sex with a Sex Addict must be one step short of Paradise. I mean, after all, they are the experts–right?
Wrong!
Sex Addicts could be categorized as Sexual cripples. Their ability to become aroused is based on skewed fantasies and unrealistic expectations. Put them in bed with a committed, loving partner and they really don’t know what to do.
Intimacy frightens them and pleasing someone else is out of their realm of thinking except when it fulfills their fantasies of being the greatest lover in the world–and only if you manage to be satisfied in the way that they want and within their predetermined period of time, which oddly is supposed to coincide exactly with their orgasm. Sex Addicts are completely unrealistic and narcissistic in the bedroom. Their own pleasure is their only focus.
Early in a relationship a Sex Addict’s passion can be mistaken for love and intimacy, but as the relationship grows and becomes more mature and intimate, the Sex Addict pulls away and ignores or even rejects their spouse or partner for their fantasy world and fantasy partners. Reality just doesn’t appeal to them when it comes to sex.
Sexuality and intimacy are two of the most difficult areas to deal with when living with a recovering Sex Addict. They have spent a lifetime conditioning themselves to respond to the wrong stimuli. Learning healthy sex will take the rest of their lives.
The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. ~ Richard Bach
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Thank you again for sharing your journey. It helps.
I feel like I’m still flailing about in all directions. A few days ago, I was writing on this site that I was going to definitely leave him after a few ducks were arranged. He didn’t know I’d discovered his online porn and escort activity. But he’d recently revealed to me that he’d had a few homosexial encouters some 25 yrs ago (supposedly). I don’t know why he disclosed this.
Before I got those ducks in a row, we had a fight – he was angry about some minor perceived slight on my part and wouldn’t stop needling me. He could sense something was up, so he pushed until he ignited an explosion and the truth came spilling out of my mouth – I told him what I knew about his online habits – how he’d spend twenty hours a week watching porn and oogling the local escort ads – when he was supposed to be working or having dinner with me.
He crumbled and sobbed and begged and promised everything and anything. I don’t know why I expected him to just walk away with his tail between his legs. I tried to end it. I told him over and over that it was over, that this behavior was deal breaking, that I couldn’t stay with him. But he seemed so genuinely ashamed and wanting to change. I agree to give it a few more months.
So here I am maybe a week or so into that situation. He went to therapy immediately, goes again today. His therapist, according to my bf, doesn’t believe he’s a sex addict. According to him it’s just a poor coping mechanism he’s developed (fairly recently, he says though I know he’s been emailing escorts and saw a few prior to dating me, so that goes back 4 yrs!). He seems to feel super confidant that he can and will change. I suspect he’s not giving the therapist all the details.
It’s not that I have hope that he’ll change. It’s like I don’t even care if he does. I feel so tired. I can’t fight his pleading, especially when I’m so confused as to what it is I want. I’m trying to dig back into my life but I spend hours a day online in support group type sites like this, desperate for healing strategies and understanding.
I’m parenting my youngest (the oldest is away in school) who’s developmentally disabled (like your son), I’m renovating my new home (one of the ducks), so that I can move in before too terribly long (I’m hoping oct 1 but it may take a little longer), I’m resuming some volunteer activities and working some. I’m also exercising more – did 10 days of yoga in the past two weeks and hitting the gym, trying to eat healthily. I just want the confusion to end. I want clarity.
I was reading today about Tiger Wood’s wife. There’s a story about her in People magazine. How is it the famous people (also thinking of the actress Sandra Bullock), just divorce these guys immediately and get on with life? I know it’s probably an inane question – perhaps tons of money and movie star looks make even marrying a sex addict more easily survived! I envy them their zero-tolerance, their not waiting and hoping. Maybe it’s the public aspect – maybe if everyone who laid eyes on me knew my boyfriend did these things, if tv shows and magazines were detailing my bf’s horrid behaviors and my humiliation, I’d snap out of my fog and get on with it. Maybe I should tell everyone I know! Just sing it from the rooftops – perhaps that will help me wake up.
I’ve been through one abusive marriage and as hard as it was to get out of that mess and as long as my recovery took – my soul was killed – I did get past it. I regret waiting, I regret not doing the things that promoted healing sooner but I did learn that there can be a really good life, a better life after a break up. Being alone and finding your own success and joy and freedom from someone else’s crazy making is incredibly sweet!
Yet, and maybe because it was so hard, I am slow to act now. I would have thought I’d have had no patience for this – it’s like abuse, it’s effects are like abuse. And yet, here I am tolerating it.
I am in a financially precarious moment – a moment that has an end in sight thankfully. If I had more resources economically, I think I could move, so I need to focus on getting the ducks lined up with all of the energy I can muster.
Leanne, your experience really speaks to me – I also felt my bf was so wonderfully kind – he is wonderfully kind – he is charming, we laugh a lot, he can cook a gourmet meal and the house is always covered in flowers – so funny you should say those things. He’s not mean or grumpy. He works hard and is well-respected. He’s achieved a great deal career and finance-wise. But yes, he’s incredibly immature – monumentally immature – like a preteen in many regards – his humor, his self-esteem – like a young awkward boy’s.
I don’t know a lot about his childhood. There was certainly abuse. His dad was physically abusive to the mom and verbally to the kids. Two of his brother’s committed suicide, another is an ex-con with a drug habit and propensity to violence and the another is a drug user-recluse/weird guy. He has no relationship with either of his two surviving siblings nor any of his extended family, nieces or nephews or cousins. Things were obviously not healthy or happy in his childhood. But in the end – who cares? He’s 50-some yrs old with three kids. Time to take responsibility for healing his childhood pain and be a man.
Thank you again!
Mayam, first of all—-((((((((cyber-hugs))))))) I have been reading all of your recent posts, but not responding, because I could see that you just needed to write and work through all of this. I feel so badly that you are in such pain and conflict, so I’d like to jump in here, if I may, at this point. I actually think that you do understand the situation, and actually much more clearly than you claim, (based on your posts). I hear you trying to make sense of his “down the rabbit hole” world, but it is never going to make rational sense. I think you are just afraid and afraid that somehow, things might be worse if you leave him? But how could that be? This man is extremely sick and abusive and you sound like a really terrific, woman with a lot going for you. It pains me so much to see this man conning you as he has been… I am going to write out some of your statements, because, the answers lie within your own words! (my responses in parentheses)
But he’d recently revealed to me that he’d had a few homosexial encouters some 25 yrs ago (supposedly). I don’t know why he disclosed this.
(The reason he disclosed it, is because this is not just the experimental phase that some young men go through—It is almost definitely, STILL going on, and he is merely testing the waters to see your reaction. This is a skill that predators do to take over their victims– a little bit, then a bit more and then a bit more and oops—Your cooked!)
He crumbled and sobbed and begged and promised everything and anything. he seemed so genuinely ashamed and wanting to change.
(Yes, yes, yes, he’s a superb actor— Yes, indeed! Its a defense mechanism he’s been perfecting since childhood—probably as a means to avoid something far, far worse than a lie.)
His therapist, according to my bf, doesn’t believe he’s a sex addict. According to him it’s just a poor coping mechanism he’s developed (fairly recently, he says though I know he’s been emailing escorts and saw a few prior to dating me, so that goes back 4 yrs!). He seems to feel super confidant that he can and will change… I suspect he’s not giving the therapist all the details.
(not even close—he LIES honey… he lies to you, his shrink and even to himself–And IF he’s NOT a sex addict, then what my dear, is there to CHANGE??? Can you see, how nonsensical and absurd his statements are??? You do understand the truth and I’m so sorry, it must be excruciatingly painful to fully take it all in)
it’s like abuse, it’s effects are like abuse. And yet, here I am tolerating it.
(no “like”—EXTREMELY abusive, but try not to beat yourself up about it… This is tough stuff, but you have the power to not tolerate it)
(As an aside—I also have a child with a disability. (autism). It is not uncommon amongst us co-dependent types, which I just discovered recently. Don’t ask me why or if there’s some connection. Just interesting.)
Listen… Predatory sex addicts are USUALLY amazingly kind and sensitive and sweet—oh my—My Predator was— so absolutely delectably adorable—that is… until I didn’t want to have sex with other men in order to be with him. He became a vicious-screaming-in-my-ear-MANIAC!!! I understand that Hitler was also an extremely charming, delightful man, when he wanted to be.
Hmmm… I see we have a lot of new information about PD’s childhood. This is very helpful. Now let me get this straight. Two brothers killed themselves and another is an ex-con with a drug habit and propensity to violence and a 4th is a drug addict/recluse????????????? Oh, my—oh my… oh dear…. Please, for the love of God… He grew up in a fucking HELL HOLE, the likes that you cannot even begin to fathom!!!!!!!!! I am 1000000% positive on this one. The evidence for this is so overwhelming, it gives me chills. Abusers were were almost always abused in childhood and your guy was put through the psycho-ringer. He wasn’t made in a vacuum, ya know.
Sweetie, I know that you so wish that there could be something to salvage here, and believe me, I wish that too, but there is not— As I’ve said all along, Psycho Dude is a very sick, very twisted man who is preying (not praying) on your sweet, loving, giving nature. He will do and say ANYTHING, so that you will not abandon his rapidly sinking ship. He can rearrange the deck chairs, all he likes… Its not gonna change the outcome or the reality.
It sounds like you have a good plan set for yourself and are doing amazingly well. My therapist told me (in general terms) once about a client of hers who found her true soul-mate at the age of 72; it is never too late and there is nothing to fear if you leave him. It can only get better. And it will!!!
Stay Strong and keep asking the Universe for guidance—It will come–
Love,
Lorraine
Thank you Lorraine,
You are very kind to respond.
It’s all sinking in slowly in fits and starts. It doesn’t makes sense and I get that it never will. I tried for years to make sense of my abusive ex’s behavior but ultimately, I learned, there’s no reason. It just is. It’s not reasonable to hurt the person you can’t live with out to the point that she will leave you but that’s exactly what he did unrepentently and no amount of me thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it was going to change it. I’m actually not all that interested in understand sa. You know? I want to know in so far as it gives me clues to what my gut was sensing and I didn’t understand but I don’t want to understand it from the standpoint of why he did because that would suppose you fix it if you only the why was understood and somethings aren’t fixable and some things, even when they are, like this, aren’t within the realm of my influence.
I was telling my friend today that it feels crazy because some moments, I’m just hanging out with him and everything’s fine and I kind forget. You know we go to the beach, like any normal couple, he brings a cooler and ice over, I make sandwiches and pack up snacks. We load up the car and get on the road, laughing and chatting easily, even about this sa situation, our feelings, strategies for dealing with it all. For minutes, hours even, the relationship feels doable, managable. Then, I wake up at 2 am and I remember something, some detail that’s taken on new meaning in light of what I’m learning about sa.
I read a pamphlet about exhibitionism in sa’s. Now, my bf has never exposed his genitalia in public but I can’t tell you how many times he’s come out of a restroom with his jeans unbuttoned a few buttons – and I don’t mean at the top like you might do if you’ve eaten too much – he buttons the top but leaves the middle ones undone. He’s got underwear on and so it’s not like his thing is hanging out but it’s weird. And I am talking about when we are in public at a mall or restaurant or he’s in his car and he gets out in a crowded parking lot and the middle buttons are undone. Sometimes when I call this to his attention he actually undoes all of the buttons pulls his pants down and makes a big production of retucking his shirt and buttoning up – he definitely seems to want to call attention to himself but all done in this sort of accidental, “what’s the big deal” way.
But he’s fastidious about his grooming, his clothing, his hair, that his belt matches his shoes, that his eyebrows are perfectly trimmed – so you know this isn’t some slobby type guy who just slaps on clothing haphazardly. If something’s not buttoned, he knows it. He wants to draw eyes to his crotch, he wants to see who notices, who mentions it politely, if he detects any attraction.
Then I wake up thinking of something else I’ve read – how sa’s have fantasies that if women see their genitals they’ll be overcome with the urge to have sex with them. I know my bf thinks this. When he’s jealous because he thinks some man is hitting on me, he’ll threaten to go to yoga in skin tight spandex and suggest women will see his package and come on to him – he’s got all these delusions that women are going to hop out of their panties at the site of his fifty-some year old bits! He’s contantly accusing me of looking at his crotch and honestly, I’m not – that doesn’t do it for me! But he so wants to believe this that he imagines it’s so.
So you see, I have a day or a few hours of denial only to have that denial invaded by a deluge of new realizations. It’s nutso! It’s part of the process no doubt.
About the gay thing – wow – I never thought of that but you know it makes sense where no other explanation really does. I mean I can’t think why else he’d offer this up when I’ve asked him that question point blank many times and he’s always flatly denied it. When we were first dating he made references to some gay terminology for sex acts – terms I’d never heard before and I’ve been known to run with a gay friendly crowd – I had to ask a friend if these were actual commonly used vocabulary in the gay community and they were! I was dumbfounded – here’s this starchy, Catholic, conservative, married two -decades, little league coach well versed in the gay lexicon! How’s that happen??
Yes, perhaps he was feeling safe enough to share that and perhaps leading towards more admissions. He had just recently met a male friend of mine who’s bisexual, so perhaps he was fantasizing about a threesome or some such craziness. I’ve always maintained to him when he was denying his gay experiences that I didn’t care if he was bi, so long as he was monogamous to me – he could like whoever but we’re in a relationship so not okay to act on it.
Yeah, his childhood – well, like his adulthood, from the outside fabulous – wealthy, athletically gifted family of strapping boys, devoted stay at home mom, catholic school, etc and behind closed doors dad’s getting drunk to the point of delusional crazy violence, mom’s getting smacked around, the kids are being told what pieces of crap they are. I’ve wondered, did one of his older brother molest him, did his dad?
I’m just going to keep digging in to my recovery process, get clear on how I’ve managed my anxiety, my stress, my pursuit of self actualization and joy – they are and were lacking – that’s how I got here. I have to work on myself.
Thank you so much Lorraine!!
HE TRIMS HIS EYEBROWS?????????
Hi Mayam,
It appears we have more commonalities. When I first met my
ex, he told me about homosexual experiences, but being young and in love, I basically dismissed it. He had been with a
young professor of his while in college, but played it down and siad it was “an emotional” thing. Later when we were
married, we separated for a short while, and when we got back together, I found this mans phone number in his pocket.
Shortly before we divorced, he told me he was not sure about
his sexuality and could just as easily be with a man as with a woman. He is a misogynist and might be far less abusive in
a gay relationship – I don’t really know. Ya know, it’s funny – but not haha funny – I still have times when I miss him. Like tonight. I think it’s him I miss anyway. I feel
sad and alone and my thoughts go to him and part of me wishes
he were here. I know if he were, it wouldn’t be what I need but I did have many good years with him. Also. my son, who has Down Syndrome, is pissed about him being gone and gets
really stubborn and won’t do anything I tell him to.
I fully expect this healing process to take a long, long time. Sometimes, I don’t know if I can get through it and then suddenly, in the midst of the sorrow, I’ll have a really great day or even days and I realize I am going to make it. I am looking for a really good therapist. One who
fully understands sex addiction and what it does to the partner. One thing at a time…
Oh, and one more thing. I too, have marveled at how quickly celebrities are able to extract themselves from these sick men. I actually wanted to post something to Elin Woods about
how smart she is for doing so. Sandra Bullock too. I think those of us who are stuck, can’t help but think – you go girl!!
Yes Lorraine, he trims his eyebrows and plucks out any white hairs in the brows!! I’ve seen references on recovery nation to the fact that sa’s are usually fastidious about their grooming. I haven’t read about this anywhere in detail – why?? Is it because they are hoping for a spontaneous encounter at any time and want to be ready to roll? But yes, my bf is very metro-sexual in his grooming – he’s ridiculously spotless – it’s one of the things I really loved about him. I’ve encountered a few men in my time who were wealthy, smart, together and still seemed to have little grasp of how to actually get themselves thoroughly clean in the shower or how to take care of their teeth – middleaged men have bad breath and stinky bits!!
Yikes,
This is what my SA was like—he preened. Spent more on shoes than I did. We had no money to put both our boys in braces, but he had his teeth whitened. Ooooo. It’s creeping me out to think about it.
I read somewhere they will also keep their pubic hair trimmed up “just so”. But I’m not going to go there. It’s good to have boundaries.
D.
Hi Leanne,
I’m sorry you were feeling some sadness last night. It comes and goes when we let go of someone we still love who’s toxic for us. It’s so different than letting go when you aren’t in love anymore. It’s good you found a therapist who’s informed of the issues – very important.
I find my boy, who’s pre-adolescent, is getting into his defiant stage. My boy will certainly miss the bf. They had fun together. He always asks where he is, when he’s coming over on nights he’s not around.
Oh the gay issue – it’s coming back to me in bits and pieces. References to gay culture, use of certain language and sex acts he talked about and preferred which jarred me coming from this ex-jock, macho, conservative, Catholic man. It wasn’t just that he knew some lingo. The comments, jokes, gay sex were ubiquitous. Even his insults were gay-centered – “cum guzzler, ass pirate, nob gobbler”.
Isolated, some of these might be chalked up to every day homophobia or whatever – no big deal, but combined, it was striking. Still, I couldn’t reconcile the cloud of gayness he carried around with the rest of who he was – in particular, his attraction to females – me especially.
He had no performance issues and was constantly in the mood, loved the female body – no squeamishness about any act or body part. This was not a gay man to my mind. And I didn’t really even think he was bi.
I asked if he’d ever been curious about men or experimented as a younger man – I figured some men do and I wanted him to feel safe to tell me and he swore he never had the slightest interest. I just decided in my head he probably did have curiousity or did experiment but he was not going to admit it and as long as I felt he was being faithful, I’d let it go. I made so many excuses for his craziness – I believed that he was some repressed Catholic boy who only needed to feel accepted and safe to be who he was and everything would okay for him…and for us.
As I mentioned he recently described these highly spontaneous and oh, so erotic gay encounters in college. I was thinking about that last night – how they probably were edited to be more along the lines of what he wants me to think. He claims a guy approached him in his dorm and just out of the blue offered him oral sex. He lived in the athletic dorm as he was on scholarhship and there were four guys to a two room one bath dorm set up, so he’s in the one bath room, which is shared and he claims the other guy just popped in and offered his services.
Another incident he described was at a party and was a little more involved but again as I revisit the story – it doesn’t add up. He’s at a house party with his straight teammates and some gay teammate and he just end up fooling around – how? I mean he’s not going to risk someone at the party witnessing this and in my experience as college student and later a professor, the jocks don’t mix with the gay guys, at least not openly. They are severely homophobic – and twenty-five years ago it was a thousand times worse.
He didn’t have many girlfriends. He’s only mentioned one beside the one he married when he was 30 yrs old -somewhat late for those days. Before her, he had a 6 mth relationship that wasn’t very serious. But if you knew him – he’s gregarious, flirtatious, hates to be alone, needs a relationship all the time and needs a lot of contact, affection and sex, isn’t really social outside of his primary relationship – it’s hard to imagine he was alone so much.
So, from 18-30yrs old when he married, he had two girlfriends? And according to him he met his wife when he was 24 and they dated on and off, never lived together prior to the wedding. The other girl was right before he met the wife. So from 18-24 basically, he’s telling me he had NO girlfriend. That is impossible. Impossible. He’s in his fifties now and requires sex twice a day – when he was in his twenties – I can’t imagine how frequently he wanted sex – he couldn’t have been single. And he claims he didn’t do the one night stand thing, was never comfortable with that.
Was he leading a closeted gay lifestyle as a young man, then settled down because he wanted kids and the respectibility of a hetero relationship?
OMG – I’m in shock. This makes too much sense to dismiss. No wonder I was always suspicious that he had a secret. No wonder I could never feel at ease trusting he was who he said he was – what he’s told me about his past doesn’t jibe with who I know him to be at all.
He wants to make it out like was happily single doing his sports and work and school and just not ready for a relationship for years and years- this guy is so flipping needy and horny and insecure, he couldn’t go five minutes without a relationship.
Then he marries a super religious, uptight girl who’s going to keep him in line. He probably thought her presence would keep his inclinations in check. It’s like joining the army to pull your life together. He needed external controls imposed upon him.
Yes Diane,
My guy is very into shopping, grooming and hair control if you know what I mean. Obviously cleanliness is lovely but it’s to an extreme not usually observed in men of a certain age – really men of any age.
Mine has more clothes than I do and I’m no slouch. Wears sexy underwear, is always buying new colognes, even though I’ve made it really clear that i dislike male colognes – they’re usually too strong for me, plucks hairs, wears contacts, changes his clothes a lot, showers twice per day, exfoliates his face and buys bath and body products from department store counters more popular with females. He’s also obsessed with enemas and laxatives – is this TMI? Sorry ladies. Is this a gay thing??
Sorry Ladies – Posting again – I feel like yesterday was this light bulb day- All night I had a constant flow of realizations. Is this part of the process – you look back on events and reevaluate them – suddenly seeing what might really be going on??
I was a little, a very little, bit hopefull after I disclosed to him I was monitering his computer and knew what I knew. He went to therapy, offered to be transparent, expressed some very real emotions and insights. I was guardedly optimistic – well, maybe not even that, maybe just not completely without hope anymore.
Anyway, he’s showing signs of hinky behavior again around the computer. He knows there’s monitering software on his laptop, so I’m pretty sure he’s gotten himself a new one. The reason – well, he freaked out when I told him I was going to call his computer guy about a laptop for my son – freaked out – long boring story but the upshot is he had a panic attack and suddenly materialized with a laptop for my son in ten mins to prevent me from calling his computer guy. Then, he offered to give me his laptop yesterday (mine broke a few months ago when my kid dropped it and i’ve been using the desktop). He said he doesn’t need his anymore since he’s not surfing porn – yeah, right. So, he won’t have any computer for when he’s working from home and has to email or send files to the office or for any other of the millions of things we all use our home computers for these days.
If he’d waxed poetic about feeling tempted to indulge and wanting to get the thing out of the house to keep himself honest – I actually might have fallen for it but this casual, “I don’t really need it anymore and I know you could use a new laptop” is just bs. He’s known I’ve needed a laptop for 4 mths now but that I’m waiting until my renovations are done and that it’s also been no big deal for me to not have one.
He obviously replaced his with one that I will never see or touch or infiltrate and since he can’t resist being a people pleaser he offered to give me his – so he looks like hero, makes me happy and gets to go further underground with his activities all in one fell swoop.
I’m depressed and angry. I’ve read about how the initial reaction of the sa is to preserve his relationship by saying whatever and then simply getting craftier about hiding their addiction – so I saw it coming but I hoped somewhere inside that it wouldn’t.
Hi Mayam,
I think you told us every thing we need to know. I don’t know about you, I’m just dying to hear from Lorraine in this one. I know she will have a “won’t want to miss it” take on enemas and laxatives!
Mayam, you are going come out of this in one piece, with a great deal to offer this world. Remember that as you continue to surface the incriminating and upsetting realizations. You were clearly meant for more, and by God, you’re going to get something better than this.
love,
D.
LOL Diane – I’m looking forward to Lorraine’s response too. I’m sure it will come down to: what more do you know?
Ugh – I guess all I need to know is how to get from here to there – there being away from him. It’s like I know this stuff but all of it exists on a plane somewhat removed generally from our day to day life. We sleep and eat and talk about the details and logistics of our lives. It’s like I have to remind myself that he might be gay, that he goes home and watches porn non-stop – it’s hidden from view most of the time. The curtain flutters open for only seconds.
Ok – going to try to work on something else for a few hours here – have a great rest of your day ladies!
Thank Diane for your encouragement!!
Howdy!
Feelin’ so much better today! It’s so awesome to have a place to talk to people who actually get it. I remember a few years ago, when I was in the thick of my agony, a friend told me I should maybe go to a doctor and find out if there was a reason why I “couldn’t please Randy”. Fake name, BTW
- but fitting. I felt furious – her husband couldn’t get enough of her – she was the one who practically yawned her way through their encounters.
Ex hubby was so not a metro! Einsteinian hair that he cuts
himself – pot belly – bathes maybe twice a week. My little
grandson made a joke – “Pop, you have more chins than China”
Have to admit, he has cleaned up his act since the divorce.
Even walked a couple of marathons. Even got some decent looking clothes. I guess when you’re still married and sequestered in your internet den for hours on end, there’s not much use for good grooming. He would shave and clean
up a bit when going out to cruise with my son. This boy (ex) was also raised Catholic – school, not mass. Mass maybe twice a year. He’s 60, so that was back in the day when you survived parochial school. The nuns were equipped with rulers and adept at hand-smashing. He was a meek, quiet little boy, who was scared shitless, most of the time.
I was thinking today, of how if he could ever own his behavior over the past years, I would feel very differently about him. He isn’t *just* a SA, he became so abusive, insulting, ragefilled and downright mean. He had a very short
cycle of abuse. He was only this way with me, however. Now,
I won’t tolerate it. He was at my house recently and he started raging because I asked him nicely not to park in the
driveway (his car leaks grease). I immediately made him leave. He too, will say or do anything to get things to a comfortable status quo – it worked for years with me – but no more.
Like your SA, mine had two girfriends before he took up with
me. I am no longer denying he is most like leaning toward
homosexuality. He did hang with gays alot back then and is
more than a little supportive of all things gay. I remember
when we were a new couple. He brought some amyl nitrate over to experiment with. No one but gay guys, used that back then. He also was very enthusiatic about A sex. Face it, something very few women enjoy. What is hard to explain is all the good, seemingless close years we had. No telling though, what he was thinking about when I thought he was with me. One thing – he never did like stuff like music and candles during sex – in retrospect, I think it got in the way of his fantasy. I also, think he likes the idea of being a hetero – he may even be Bi – but he told me recently
he hangs out at the library alot now and that the gay guys
don’t hang out there, like they use to. He also wants to
go back to a thrift store I told him about that is run by
both gay and lesbian folks, to raise funds for HIV. Another
thing – he told me about a guy at his meeting (and trust me,
he’s mostly secretive about meetings), who he really wanted to speak to after a meeting. Later he told me the guy was
gay. Hard to believe I could block so many things for so many years – denial is a powerful thing!!
Hey—busy work day! Thank God biz has picked up!!! It really helps to be busy, that’s for sure and saw my shrink too!!!feeling much better right now—Hope it lasts for a while!
Oh Mayam and Diane, you’re on to me—haha!!! I’ll try not to disappoint.
So much to read and what sweet goodies do we have here on this late August eve??? Oh my— I love Psycho Dude so much—He has set himself up perfectly. What a guy— between the eyebrow plucking,(that is just so ick, I can’t stand it) facial exfoliating,(no) enemas, laxatives(yes,he’s full of shit) perfumes, bubble bath, and body lotions—The only remaining question, I have is…
Is he a “bottom” or a “top” or both???
Geeeezzzzuzzz!!! He couldn’t be fruitier than an ambrosia salad on a banana boat in Bali! Have to say that I have often wondered about my predator as well… A very boyish metro, he is–so, so cute!…(well, as cute as a snake can be) He even confessed, one time that he has done some botox. Yes, indeed—that’s what he said… and a dude would never lie about somethin like that! Mmmmm… So sexy, isn’t it? But, even though he adamantly stated that he was NOT gay,(many, many, MANY) times me thinks the lady doth protest too much, if you get my drift, and he loves his male/female couples.
Gotta laugh girls, cause thats pretty much all they are good for. The most hopelessly, somatic, narcissitic, deranged, pathological ones, that is.
Now—hmmm… I’d like to share some of my fave phrases that came outta Predator’s fekked up mouth and some of it is the SAME wording used by PD!!
Here goes—
“In the PAST, I did blah—-”… (eg: In the past, I had a partner that I swung with, went to a sex club with, did DP with, drank my piss…etc.”)—That could’ve been 10 years ago, 10 months ago, or 10 minutes ago—10 minutes, is the closest answer to the TRUTH.)
“I have a “friend” who’s on TEN dating sites” (no friend, hahaha… dudes don’t talk to each other about shit like that!!! We do, but they don’t. Again, they will use the “friend”, to see the reaction, from you.)
“I don’t really—-”… The word “really” is a BIG RED FLAG.
If he says, I don’t really need a laptop anymore, it means— I DO need a laptop anymore, otherwise he would simply say. “I don’t need a laptop anymore.”
See how it works?
Its the same with the word “just”. (there is no “just”)
“It was JUST one time.” (again, numbers are arbitrary and meaningless coming out of an addict’s mouth)
And “a couple” (this means a number that is greater than ONE, but, it is never ONLY two–more like a couple HUNDRED, or a couple THOUSAND!)
eg: “It is ONLY a couple other women, that I see, Lorraine.”
(no “only” either)
This is what they do—
I think that the anger is good sign Mayam… You are rapidly cycling through all of the stages of grief and loss and it can go back and forth between all of them,(even after a year, I still find myself doing this, but not nearly as badly, and this is normal as you are processing all that has happened and your realizations which are growing exponentially, each day. I think that you are doing really great! Hang in there—You already know the salient points… Keep working on your plan. We’re rooting for you!!!
xo,
L
So happy to read you’re feeling better Leanna! It is wonderful to have found this community. I can’t thank everyone here enough for reading my rants and raves and thoughtfully responding and sharing.
To your post – Yes, we block out those little details that don’t make sense – precisely because they don’t make sense. I did try to fit it these little anomalies into the puzzle each time they arose. I did question in him in a non-threatening and non-judgemental way but he denied everything and the gay stuff didn’t fit with a lot of other compelling facts.
I don’t know about you Leanna, but I monitored his porn usage for 2-3 mths on a daily basis and snooped intermittantly the two years prior – twice I found evidence of gay porn – while his consumption of straight porn (and pretty vanilla straight porn at that) was unbelievable. His escort emails and cruising were always directed to females.
I have known many women who were lesbians in college and then graduated and went on to have happy hetero lives, and they seem to believe the lesbianism wasn’t so much sexual preference as it was a safe place to be as a young woman away from home for the first time.
Perhaps my bf had been molested as a kid and initially related sexually more comfortably to men or maybe he fell into homesexuality because he was afraid of women. Then when he did finally land his first (and only) serious girlfriend, he married her, because he was too terrified to go back out there and meet another one.
So now, perhaps, he has transitory gay longings or erotic memories, which explain his rare forays into gay porn, and his preferences for certain sexual behaviors learned early remain intact, only now he wants them done to him by a female. I think this is something he could never admit to – not to anyone – not to a therapist or his most trusted friend, which is me, despite how compassionate and accepting he must know I would be. It’s not about me. It’s about him not being able to accept himself – Lord, that sounds cliche -but I really believe that he just can’t come to terms with who he is. But of course our secrets poke out and don’t like to be supressed, which might explain his constant references to asses and all things homosexual!
And now, as much as I may get it or want to get it, there’s this other piece – the porn addiction, the escorts. He could work through whatever ails his soul but perhaps his pysche is just too fragile to really go there. Perhaps he would come undone and on some deeper level his mind is protecting him from a total unravel. This may very well be as good as it gets for him – managing deep seated pain with a sexual addiction and chronic lying – maybe he just needs to find a better victim – a girlfriend who won’t catch on, someone naive and more trusting.
For me, I know I’ve not been living as fully realized as I can be – I’ve had times in my life where it felt pretty close to living my heart’s desire, fulfilling my purpose on the planet but I’ve drifted so far away from there. This relationship has been a wake up call and I intend to work as hard as I can to make my life sing – to realize my goals, to stop wasting time on dumb relationships and people who assist me in staying stuck and unproductive.
The lady doth protest too much – perfect Lorraine!
He’s a bottom btw
Though when he tells his stories of being with “a few” men “a long time ago” and “just” “a few” times, he’s always the top 
Go figure.
I love your little rules – yes “really” definitely a red flag and the friend thing, so true. Men don’t share that stuff. I have also found this in reverse though as sometimes pD will claim something a friend did or has or said came from him – he also constantly changes the source or info – sometimes his daughter said it, sometimes a friend said it, sometimes whoever – you get the idea – the truth is so mutable in his world.
Leave it to me to fall in love with a gay-curious or formerly gay or bi or who knows what – sex addict. Gotta love my picker!
Hi everyone. I am going on a road trip – figure a new perspective will bring some clarity. I cannot really afford a vacation, but I will fill up my gas tank and sleep in my car, just to do this. I have to process the pain of the revelation heard round the world (it feels that big) and I know it is gonna take time, and some new scenery. Doing whatever I can to stay off the computer, to stop spying on him, to stop obsessing about where he is, and who he is with and what they are doing. I have to get the image of his suddenly shaved pubes out of my mind, because I now know his “dom” did that to him… so she could tie his privates up without pulling hairs. I scrutinized the pics of body parts on her site wondering if any of them were his. I know too much now because all I do is obsess over this scene he is into. This BDSM stuff is new to me and in 1 month, I have become an expert. I heard this song we all know on the radio, and really listened to the words this time. I do not want to be this person in this chain… links in the chain of fools, aka the women he uses and has used. He can stay tied up if that is what he is into, I refuse. JoAnn if this whole post is inappropriate feel free to take it down. I won’t be hurt. Thank you for providing a safe place to express. See you in about a week or two. Love to you all, and treat yourselves better than you have been treated. My goal exactly. ~ M
For five long years
I thought you were my man
But I found out, I’m just a link in your chain
Oh, you got me where you want me
I ain’t nothin but your fool
Ya treated me mean
Oh you treated me cruel
Chain, chain, chain
Chain, chain, chain
Chain of fools
Every chain, has got a weak link
I might be weak child, but I’ll give you strength
Oh, babe
You told me to leave you alone
My father said ‘Come on home’
My doctor said ‘Take it easy’
Oh but your lovin is just too strong
I’m added to your
Chain, chain, chain, etc.
Chain of fools
Oh, one of these mornings
The chain is gonna break
But up until the day
I’m gonna take all I can take, oh babe
Chain, chain, chain
Chain, chain, chain
Chain of fools…
My dearest LaLunaMar,
Sharing our pain is what this site is all about. That can never be inappropriate.
Enjoy your vacation, free yourself from the chains, keep yourself safe (I worry about you sleeping in your car–safe places are well-lit truck stops–and they have bathrooms and showers. Just watch out for the truckers.) and contact us when you get back.
This will be a wonderful retreat for you. I did a similar adventure when I was fired from my job (that worked out great–I won a very hefty lawsuit three years later)–and I had just kicked Larry’s sad ass out. I was in the pits of depression, so, I said, ‘Fuck it’ and spent a month backpacking my way through Europe. It was the most empowering thing I have ever done.
I hope this will do the same for you.
Hugs and we’ll be waiting to hear from you.
Enjoy the road trip! A change of scenery can be so uplifting and truly give a new perspective.
M
I’m super tired tonight. I drove to the beach to look at some
property, had dinner alone and thought of all the fun times
my ex and I use to have in this town. Then, I drove home cuz
it’s suppose to be my weekend with my son but ex didn’t bring
him home yet. I’m way better when I have nothing to do with ex. I’m going to have to set strict bounderies for dropping off and picking up my son.
Mayam, you are so perceptive and insightful- boy, do you have
my ex figured out – I could relate to what you said about
manageing his pain with sex addiction and lying – and he can
lie without missing a beat – I’ve often said the truth is not
an option for him. I can see him totally unraveling too. One
thing he does is assume different personalities. It’s like he
has no core personality. I even have names for them. If he needs to be assertive in a business situation he talks and acts exactly like his brother, who is 12 years younger and
way more together (I think). The brother was mom’s golden boy – the only one of her kids she was decent to. Other times
he takes on the persona of a teen – everything is, “I’m like
happy you can go” and other teenspeak. He has others but I’m too tired too think about him anymore tonight.
La Luna, have a wonderful, serene and peaceful time. I find
just getting away from the sickness can immediately transform
my attitude and outlook.
JoAnn, thank you so much for starting this wonderful website!
I am also a nurse. I’ve only just begun to explore the site but it’s wonderful to have a place to share openly and be heard nd understood!!
Leanna,
It is good your have some time to meander around and think or not think. I hope you enjoyed your evening.
I suppose one day we’ll be thankfully for the good memories. They won’t make us sad or angry or wistful. Actually I know this is true. With my ex husband, the abuser, I’m so indifferent that while I might wince at a memory of his bad behavior, I’m thankful for the good and I don’t feel sad about the bad. It was bad but it’s over and I’m glad for that and thankful he’s also still involved in my son’s life and very committed to our boy. I couldn’t do it alone.
It will happen. It’s an empty spot – perhaps a canyon that needs to be filled with new people and activities and memories and dreams and it will be filled over time.
My bf is here now sleeping. He’s been as close to cracking as I’ve seen him. My getting support and moving towards healing is killing him! He was much happier when I was lost in the funhouse mirrored maze of his crazy making and lying and he was getting away with his precious addiction.
His personality is consistent – imagine lots of jokes about asses and gay sex but he has lots of inconsistencies. This is a made-up example, just in case he ever finds this place: If I’m thinking of getting a pair of Nikes, he’ll rant, “You don’t want Nikes. Everyone has NIkes. Go to the Converse store and get something different.” Next day, I go to the converse store and he says, “Why are you wasting your time there, just go and get a good pair of Nikes.” He passionately espouses one preference and denounces another and than the next day flip flops just as passionately with no explanation or reference to the change of heart.
When I think of some of the lies he’s told to make himself look cooler, more accomplished in something or more impressive (though many of the lies just have no rhyme or reason), I cringe for him – he’s a middle-aged man telling the kind of lies a six year old might tell. How sad is that? He has so little self after over five decades on the planet that he makes stuff up to fill in the blanks. It’s so easy to hate him for some of his lies and so easy to feel so deeply troubled and worried about him when it comes to others.
I feel compassion for him. I feel angry as hell that I have to give up the good parts because this bad part is so ridiculously, monumentally revolting.
Well, off to bed for me too. I had a sort of productive day. Got some creative work done and some house stuff so not a totally wash.