Comments on: Why Do Relationships With Sex Addicts Become So Dysfunctional? http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/why-do-relationships-with-sex-addicts-become-dysfuntional/ Help for Partners of Sex and Porn Addicts Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:53:01 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: katt http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/why-do-relationships-with-sex-addicts-become-dysfuntional/#comment-6826 katt Tue, 21 Sep 2010 00:40:29 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2296#comment-6826 Can anyone please tell me can a whole relationship 4 yrs friendship and 5 yrs living together have been on the SAs part all his addiction????? I have been putting the entire picture together instead of looking at separate events. The big one is when we were just friends I know I never saw him doing anything that I did only a few weeks after we moved in together. I would have noticed something this I know with out a doubt. Thanks, katt Can anyone please tell me can a whole relationship 4 yrs friendship and 5 yrs living together have been on the SAs part all his addiction????? I have been putting the entire picture together instead of looking at separate events. The big one is when we were just friends I know I never saw him doing anything that I did only a few weeks after we moved in together. I would have noticed something this I know with out a doubt.
Thanks,
katt

]]> By: Diane http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/why-do-relationships-with-sex-addicts-become-dysfuntional/#comment-6228 Diane Sat, 07 Aug 2010 21:45:26 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2296#comment-6228 Wow, Soul in the sun, I can't keep up with your input to this site!! Glad you found us here---when I found this site last fall I just read and read and read everything on it. Still do. It is so good to learn about SA from the viewpoint of the partners and spouses, and to learn about myself from them as well. Very challenging sometimes, but major growth for me from this shared pool of wisdom, humour, pain, research, compassion, and insight. I hope you remember to breathe in between the sparks of empathy and epiphany. The threads of your story are not easy for me to follow, but I hope you are able to keep going with courage, self care and trust that the greatest force at work in this world is a force for abundant life. Welcome and light for your journey D. Wow, Soul in the sun,
I can’t keep up with your input to this site!!

Glad you found us here—when I found this site last fall I just read and read and read everything on it. Still do. It is so good to learn about SA from the viewpoint of the partners and spouses, and to learn about myself from them as well. Very challenging sometimes, but major growth for me from this shared pool of wisdom, humour, pain, research, compassion, and insight.

I hope you remember to breathe in between the sparks of empathy and epiphany. The threads of your story are not easy for me to follow, but I hope you are able to keep going with courage, self care and trust that the greatest force at work in this world is a force for abundant life.

Welcome and light for your journey
D.

]]> By: SoulInTheSun http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/why-do-relationships-with-sex-addicts-become-dysfuntional/#comment-6224 SoulInTheSun Sat, 07 Aug 2010 18:10:49 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2296#comment-6224 Amazing! I had never heard anyone say that he changed the night they were married. Same! Sometimes-got to just let it Rip! I feel better just reading the Rips! Amazing! I had never heard anyone say that he changed the night they were married. Same!
Sometimes-got to just let it Rip! I feel better just reading the Rips!

]]> By: Sally http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/why-do-relationships-with-sex-addicts-become-dysfuntional/#comment-5156 Sally Mon, 31 May 2010 23:23:54 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2296#comment-5156 Hi Lorraine, Thanks for your reply and your support. Boy, I fired that one off this morning didn't I? I have calmed down quite a bit since this morning. We had an appointment with our therapist at 9:00 and I got a lot off my chest. The anger was right up front and I told him that I expected complete fidelity, 100% fidelity by every definition of the word, and I don't care how hard it is. If he can't do that I don't want to be married to him and I don't want him in my life. I said his addiction is his problem not mine and to get it together or get out. (Our therapist told him that if he is doing something or wants to do something that he can't share with his Eagle Scouts then don't do it. I thought that was kind of catchy, and it seemed to make a dent in his brain.) We are headed to New Orleans tomorrow through the week, a trip already planned as a reunion with his old army buddies, and I told him that I would let him know when we return whether or not I want him to move out for awhile. I need to get away from home for a little while. I imagine we will have a nice time (if I can stand these guys and their wives) and I will not be as anxious for him to leave. That's okay, I'm making the rules for me. I surprised myself to some extent, though, in that I really was prepared for him to go today. I don't want it, but if it happens it happens. I'll manage. Yes, the finances are shot to hell, we are up to our eyeballs in debt, and I figure that what he spent on his little "hobby" combined with 1 hour a day 5 days a week that he didn't bill we are out about $600,000. over 5 years. How's that? See you next week! Sally Hi Lorraine,
Thanks for your reply and your support. Boy, I fired that one off this morning didn’t I? I have calmed down quite a bit since this morning. We had an appointment with our therapist at 9:00 and I got a lot off my chest. The anger was right up front and I told him that I expected complete fidelity, 100% fidelity by every definition of the word, and I don’t care how hard it is. If he can’t do that I don’t want to be married to him and I don’t want him in my life. I said his addiction is his problem not mine and to get it together or get out. (Our therapist told him that if he is doing something or wants to do something that he can’t share with his Eagle Scouts then don’t do it. I thought that was kind of catchy, and it seemed to make a dent in his brain.) We are headed to New Orleans tomorrow through the week, a trip already planned as a reunion with his old army buddies, and I told him that I would let him know when we return whether or not I want him to move out for awhile. I need to get away from home for a little while. I imagine we will have a nice time (if I can stand these guys and their wives) and I will not be as anxious for him to leave. That’s okay, I’m making the rules for me. I surprised myself to some extent, though, in that I really was prepared for him to go today. I don’t want it, but if it happens it happens. I’ll manage. Yes, the finances are shot to hell, we are up to our eyeballs in debt, and I figure that what he spent on his little “hobby” combined with 1 hour a day 5 days a week that he didn’t bill we are out about $600,000. over 5 years. How’s that? See you next week!
Sally

]]> By: Lorraine http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/why-do-relationships-with-sex-addicts-become-dysfuntional/#comment-5109 Lorraine Mon, 31 May 2010 03:54:27 +0000 http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/?p=2296#comment-5109 Oh God! I am just speechless, yet again (but as usual, not stopping me) with yet another heart-wrenching story, not only of immense betrayal but such a courageous woman battling cancer on top of everything. Yes!!! He's FUCKING around!!! I don't think there's anything wrong with not mincing words and honey, just let it out! FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a selfish MOTHERFUCKING PIG!!!!!!!!!!!! There, that's better. phew... But, actually, these "men" ARE just children. Children who never really grew up. Does anyone else notice how "boyishly" charming they are??? ugh... *** Now... I know ALL about Adult Fiend (yes FIEND)Finder. (sad to say) :( 75% of the women on there are fakes and yes, the pics are small,(if u don't pay) but you can write to whomever you wish to write to and also converse with, even IF you don't have a paid membership and then they can send you pics that you can SEE... blah, blah... As for WHY women stay with their cheating husbands. I think there are lots of reasons and most of them you already know, such as money and kids, loss of home, friendships, family pressure, etc. However, I think that still, in a lot of cases, women are still in denial over their partner's activities. Oh, they so want to believe!!! Sometimes, its not their fault. The SA, as your H has done, will minimize and deny, no matter how crazy and absurd, the reason. There is never full disclosure and actually, I'm not sure that there should be, because believe me, some of it is that bad. And I don't feel its appropriate to elaborate here. Anyway, I am with you, Sally. I could never live with that kind of abuse, but some women have a "script" whereby because of their own issues, are actually more comfortable with that kind of yes, fucked up relationship. (you've got me on a roll, but I'll calm down, soon) :) The "excitement" of life with as one woman I know puts it "a man who's hell on wheels", feels normal for them and their fear and insecurity of the unknown has them paralyzed with fear. I think, no matter what, it takes courage to leave, but most say that as soon as they did, they never looked back or regretted the decision. I may have lost the passion with my husband; it is not always a perfect situation but we do have genuine love and respect for the other and there's something to be said for that, because I don't think that is that easy to find. For 24 years, he has always been very kind to me; He allows me my much needed independence and he's the most outrageously funny person-- ever and damn it, if I was ill, I know that he would drop everything to be by my side every waking moment of the day or night or whenever. And that's an awfully nice feeling. Oh God!

I am just speechless, yet again (but as usual, not stopping me) with yet another heart-wrenching story, not only of immense betrayal but such a courageous woman battling cancer on top of everything.

Yes!!! He’s FUCKING around!!! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not mincing words and honey, just let it out!

FUCKER FUCKER FUCKER!!!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a selfish MOTHERFUCKING PIG!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, that’s better.

phew…

But, actually, these “men” ARE just children. Children who never really grew up. Does anyone else notice how “boyishly” charming they are??? ugh…

***

Now… I know ALL about Adult Fiend (yes FIEND)Finder. (sad to say) :(

75% of the women on there are fakes and yes, the pics are small,(if u don’t pay) but you can write to whomever you wish to write to and also converse with, even IF you don’t have a paid membership and then they can send you pics that you can SEE… blah, blah…

As for WHY women stay with their cheating husbands. I think there are lots of reasons and most of them you already know, such as money and kids, loss of home, friendships, family pressure, etc.

However, I think that still, in a lot of cases, women are still in denial over their partner’s activities. Oh, they so want to believe!!! Sometimes, its not their fault. The SA, as your H has done, will minimize and deny, no matter how crazy and absurd, the reason. There is never full disclosure and actually, I’m not sure that there should be, because believe me, some of it is that bad. And I don’t feel its appropriate to elaborate here.

Anyway, I am with you, Sally. I could never live with that kind of abuse, but some women have a “script” whereby because of their own issues, are actually more comfortable with that kind of yes, fucked up relationship. (you’ve got me on a roll, but I’ll calm down, soon) :) The “excitement” of life with as one woman I know puts it “a man who’s hell on wheels”, feels normal for them and their fear and insecurity of the unknown has them paralyzed with fear.

I think, no matter what, it takes courage to leave, but most say that as soon as they did, they never looked back or regretted the decision.

I may have lost the passion with my husband; it is not always a perfect situation but we do have genuine love and respect for the other and there’s something to be said for that, because I don’t think that is that easy to find. For 24 years, he has always been very kind to me; He allows me my much needed independence and he’s the most outrageously funny person– ever and damn it, if I was ill, I know that he would drop everything to be by my side every waking moment of the day or night or whenever. And that’s an awfully nice feeling.

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