We usually think of Sex Addicts as men, but as this story illustrates, there are many female Sex Addicts out there. I appreciate David for sharing his very difficult story that his wife is a Sex Addict. Please offer him your support and advice. ~ JoAnn
Hi JoAnn
My name is David and I have been with my wife for 33 yrs we have 3 children 27, 21 & 15. Last year I found out that my wife had many men’s names in her phone which she was constantly on and kept very close to her even sleeping with it, she would always wear her bra in bed and keep her phone in it. I didn’t know the password, so I put some software on my computer and found this out.
In the mean time she went about deleting lots of things on her face book account, dating sites and email accounts. I then found out she was on about 8 dating sites and she told me that she never meet anyone or spoke to any. I didn’t believe her. I then found out she had two different email accounts and there were lots of messages between her and many other men, including her ex-husband who she met in London in April 2011 and slept with him, she of course denied this.
She also stated that the emails from a colleague at work were nothing and nothing went on. After many days of questioning her she finally admitted to giving him a BJ in school and sleeping with him once and sleeping with her ex. I thought my god what do I do!!!
One night we were arguing and my 21 yr old daughter came down stairs and mum you have to tell him as we ( 27 & 21 yr old) knew about this back in 2011 and asked her not to see her ex as they knew she was emailing him.
Wow this hit me hard!!!
We then separated for 3 months and got back together and started seeing a councillor. After a few sessions the councillor told her that she has to tell me the truth. So we had 1-2 hrs sessions and the final one was where she swore on our children’s lives and told me everything and that she did have sex with her ex and a colleague plus with 5 others in a car park.
It’s a year later and we have just got back from a holiday and she went to see her father who is ill and 250 miles away. I started looking at all the information I had texts, emails, photos and came across other messages between her and other men where she was telling them she had a fling with the Headmaster at the school she used to work at and also had sex with other men and one in particular, where she had previously told me that nothing happened, yet more lies!!!
I could not believe it. I have also realised that the only information I have is from mid 2011 to Dec 2012 and nothing for 2013 up until I found her out, so therofre there were many more sex encounters during 2013, my god!!! We have now separated again as I need to get my head straight and look after my business and kids.
After adding ALL of the blogs on your site I am convinced she is a sex addict as there are soooo many similarities that are the same as my situation.
I am not sure how you can help but being able to write this down and maybe have some feedback from other people would help.
I believe my wife was getting her fix, very regularly and has possible had sex with over 50 men may be more.
By the way I still love and Adour my wife
Kind regards,
David
Keep your focus on kids and your business 🙁
Echoing that you’re not alone David, and that I’m sorry to read about your painful discovery. Like you, I caught my wife involved in multiple affairs, we have kids, a home, a long-term marriage, etc. You have to follow your gut, which I would venture to assume has been attacked through messages telling you that you’re crazy, paranoid, controlling, etc. For me, I had to exhaust the possibility that my (previously thought of as) loving, caring wife did not exist and try every route recommended by professionals to rehabilitate our marriage and rebuild trust. I gained some through the process, but the net result was – I hate to say – considerably more damaging than the discovery itself. I can’t say I’d do it differently as I’m not sure I could rest peacefully knowing I didn’t try everything. But it came with a price, and it didn’t work out; only devolved into the deeper psycopathy of the narcissist’s spiral. If I could be brazen enough to offer some advice: BE TOUGH! She is not a helpless victim; she made choices, committed egregious acts, tried to conceal them, and she needs to be accountable. Otherwise you have nothing to work with. That is the fallacy I see with male partners and that I committed myself. I am not effeminate and my wife is little and cute and doe-eyed and she used a narrative of a the societal-victimized female to walk around boundaries I tried to set for months, meanwhile further degrading my confidence and feelings of well-being. While I completely understand that you love and adour your wife (as you should!), you’re dealing with someone who may not be capable of reciprocating those feelings. At the very least, she was capable of literally simultaneously carrying out an affair(s) while sharing a bed with you. The boundaries you need to reestablish trust must be honored and respected or it isn’t going to work. For your sake, I hope she earnestly seeks help to change and owns her mistakes. Regardless, I hope you find peace and growth through this experience David.
You are not alone, David. Your wife is a serial cheater and likely a sex addict yes. My wife is a sex addict and the trauma has ripped our lives apart. Get yourself healthy! Get tested for everything, and then start working out. Make no major decisions just get your mind calmed. I suggest therapy and meditation. Set your ground rules of behavior which you will not accept, and share it with your wife. Let her know where she stands.