We usually think of Sex Addicts as men, but as this story illustrates, there are many female Sex Addicts out there. I appreciate David for sharing his very difficult story that his wife is a Sex Addict. Please offer him your support and advice. ~ JoAnn
Hi JoAnn
My name is David and I have been with my wife for 33 yrs we have 3 children 27, 21 & 15. Last year I found out that my wife had many men’s names in her phone which she was constantly on and kept very close to her even sleeping with it, she would always wear her bra in bed and keep her phone in it. I didn’t know the password, so I put some software on my computer and found this out.
In the mean time she went about deleting lots of things on her face book account, dating sites and email accounts. I then found out she was on about 8 dating sites and she told me that she never meet anyone or spoke to any. I didn’t believe her. I then found out she had two different email accounts and there were lots of messages between her and many other men, including her ex-husband who she met in London in April 2011 and slept with him, she of course denied this.
She also stated that the emails from a colleague at work were nothing and nothing went on. After many days of questioning her she finally admitted to giving him a BJ in school and sleeping with him once and sleeping with her ex. I thought my god what do I do!!!
One night we were arguing and my 21 yr old daughter came down stairs and mum you have to tell him as we ( 27 & 21 yr old) knew about this back in 2011 and asked her not to see her ex as they knew she was emailing him.
Wow this hit me hard!!!
We then separated for 3 months and got back together and started seeing a councillor. After a few sessions the councillor told her that she has to tell me the truth. So we had 1-2 hrs sessions and the final one was where she swore on our children’s lives and told me everything and that she did have sex with her ex and a colleague plus with 5 others in a car park.
It’s a year later and we have just got back from a holiday and she went to see her father who is ill and 250 miles away. I started looking at all the information I had texts, emails, photos and came across other messages between her and other men where she was telling them she had a fling with the Headmaster at the school she used to work at and also had sex with other men and one in particular, where she had previously told me that nothing happened, yet more lies!!!
I could not believe it. I have also realised that the only information I have is from mid 2011 to Dec 2012 and nothing for 2013 up until I found her out, so therofre there were many more sex encounters during 2013, my god!!! We have now separated again as I need to get my head straight and look after my business and kids.
After adding ALL of the blogs on your site I am convinced she is a sex addict as there are soooo many similarities that are the same as my situation.
I am not sure how you can help but being able to write this down and maybe have some feedback from other people would help.
I believe my wife was getting her fix, very regularly and has possible had sex with over 50 men may be more.
By the way I still love and Adour my wife
Kind regards,
David
David, I feel your pain, as it is fresh in my core. My wife left me 4mo ago after I discovered a seeming internet emotional affair. That alone destroyed my trust in her and our marriage, we were separated. But since she never wanted to discuss and disclose the depth of her affair, and had no Will to do counseling. Typically such reaction is result of an affair. I dug and I snooped, but I could find nothing. In my suffering I lost over 20lbs and went deep into depression. I loved her immensely and was not prepared to let her go. But one day a friend of hers approached told me that she had many affairs, with the first since before we got engaged, and many more after about 3 years into the marriage. Yes, I also confronted her and begged for honesty and disclosure. But she denied, got mad and recited the “decent woman” rhetoric that she used with me and everyone in her life since her troubled and horrible infancy. One day I talked to her and explained that I don’t want to pressure her, to humiliate her and that I need to know that my life was not a lie from the beginning. I needed the truth to process that she is sick and that I must let her go. She obliged and shared what appears to be a good amount of details. In total she slept with 5 men, from 3-5 mo, up to 18mo. In between she also had “physical contact” with another 4 men. 8 out of the 9 men she had seen in our last 5 years. All along, I never saw a shred of evidence to indicate any signs of her infidelity. But I many times felt the emptiness and the tension in between us. Her moody and raging behavior also increased to unbearable levels as her guilt and spiraling sex addiction grew strong roots. Today, all is very recent to me, raw, and the pain I feel is unbearable. I am sure much more might have happened, and perhaps all along in our 14 year life together. I will never know, and nor do I care to. Today all I want is the divorce, and hope to one day not hear from her again.
That is not easy, and all I can say is that I agree with Ben’s advice. Your wife is sick and the odds are against you. I am just now trying to consistently work to repair my life and the emotional destruction caused by this sordid existence with her. I love her immensely still, and I hope to one day accept (forgiveness is for God only) her sickness and her evil acts against our lives. I will never be the same man, and I might never trust another woman after the absolute trust I bestowed in her. I will never be able to fully trust another woman that may perhaps be truly loving and honest. The hurt, pain and destruction did not stop at herself, it equally destroy me. I will have a long recovery, but I hope to one day be happy again.
Please take care of YOURSELF. Rid yourself of this woman, and resist any attempts by the addict to close down to you. You wouldn’t like to be used by the addict like dope to a druggies. So don’t.
Keep your focus on kids and your business 🙁
Echoing that you’re not alone David, and that I’m sorry to read about your painful discovery. Like you, I caught my wife involved in multiple affairs, we have kids, a home, a long-term marriage, etc. You have to follow your gut, which I would venture to assume has been attacked through messages telling you that you’re crazy, paranoid, controlling, etc. For me, I had to exhaust the possibility that my (previously thought of as) loving, caring wife did not exist and try every route recommended by professionals to rehabilitate our marriage and rebuild trust. I gained some through the process, but the net result was – I hate to say – considerably more damaging than the discovery itself. I can’t say I’d do it differently as I’m not sure I could rest peacefully knowing I didn’t try everything. But it came with a price, and it didn’t work out; only devolved into the deeper psycopathy of the narcissist’s spiral. If I could be brazen enough to offer some advice: BE TOUGH! She is not a helpless victim; she made choices, committed egregious acts, tried to conceal them, and she needs to be accountable. Otherwise you have nothing to work with. That is the fallacy I see with male partners and that I committed myself. I am not effeminate and my wife is little and cute and doe-eyed and she used a narrative of a the societal-victimized female to walk around boundaries I tried to set for months, meanwhile further degrading my confidence and feelings of well-being. While I completely understand that you love and adour your wife (as you should!), you’re dealing with someone who may not be capable of reciprocating those feelings. At the very least, she was capable of literally simultaneously carrying out an affair(s) while sharing a bed with you. The boundaries you need to reestablish trust must be honored and respected or it isn’t going to work. For your sake, I hope she earnestly seeks help to change and owns her mistakes. Regardless, I hope you find peace and growth through this experience David.
You are not alone, David. Your wife is a serial cheater and likely a sex addict yes. My wife is a sex addict and the trauma has ripped our lives apart. Get yourself healthy! Get tested for everything, and then start working out. Make no major decisions just get your mind calmed. I suggest therapy and meditation. Set your ground rules of behavior which you will not accept, and share it with your wife. Let her know where she stands.