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Is Your Wife A Sex Addict?

Woman taking off wedding 007 300x180 Is Your Wife A Sex Addict?Are you a man whose wife is a Sex Addict?

If you answered, ‘Yes’, then you are not alone.

Recently I have received so many e-mails from men who have discovered that their wives  or partners are Sex Addicts. Previously I did not allow men to share or comment on this website because I wanted a private venue for women, like myself, to find support and resources.

Because I feel that Sex Addiction knows no gender or orientation boundaries, I would like to welcome stories and comments from men who are involved with Sex Addicts. This disease touches everyone, gays, straights, men and women, and each and every one of us who has known that trauma and pain deserves to be heard.

Women who need a private place to share only with other women now have the Sisterhood Of Support membership site. That site, which I started in February of 2011 has become very popular and the members benefit greatly from the privacy,  friendship and support of other women.

I am in the process of putting together a similar place for men.

This is not meant to be sexist or to in any way diminish a man’s or a woman’s experiences.
I have just found over the years that discussing such personal emotions and feelings is often hampered by a mixed audience.

Feel free to leave your comments, ideas or suggestions. My passion is to help ANYONE who walks the path of discovery and healing.

Love to all ~ JoAnn

40 comments to Is Your Wife A Sex Addict?

  • john

    i would like to be updated when you have then men’s site up because i am having a difficult time dealing with this on my own. any time i have brought up the addiction to an outsider they look at it as a good thing, but do not see the repercussions… i need like minded people to help me stay sane while my wife in attempting recovery… thank you ahaed of time.

  • Lorraine (now Lexie)

    John,

    Sorry I’m not a man, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your pain. Most people cannot begin to fathom that this is not just about sex or how “lucky” you must be to have such a “hot wife” but, a horrific and devastating betrayal on so so many levels, it makes my head spin. So, just sending some good wishes your way…

    you are not alone.

    best,

    Lexie

    PS: here’s a blog written by a man who has a SA wife. He hasn’t posted in a while, but if you click on the “about” button, there’s a link to contact him. Maybe that could be helpful.

    http://anonyhandle.wordpress.com/

  • George

    Just so you girls know that men have suffered from the sexual acting out of women, I want to leave you an abbreviated account of the experience I had with my sex-addicted first wife.

    I met her in college as a shy and sexually reticent young woman. We married and had a baby boy. Throughout most of our 22-year marriage she seemed awkward, ill at ease with herself and dressed in an uninspired way. I tried to help her with her clothes, but she resented that.

    At the same time I often felt as if something was wrong, but could never clearly define my concerns. This often made me feel as if I were crazy, and when I attempted to explore these anxieties verbally with her I felt as if I were abusing her, though I was not accusing her of anything and did not think she was the source of my troubles.

    At one point I did feel something was going on between her and a colleague of hers. That was shocking to me, but after a week or so I confronted her with it. The two of them assured me I was wrong. I realized that I had little choice but to accept their story, which was reassuring to me anyway.

    Finally, after 22 years of marriage I became aware of an affair that she was engaged in. I confronted her with this, which she denied. I continued to pursue her for four days, until she finally admitted it and said she wanted to leave me to be with him, all in one breath. I was not prepared for that outcome and practically collapsed.

    Once I recovered a little I managed to talk her into staying long enough to talk some things out. I began to think about the earlier suspicion I had. She denied that, but after a couple of days admitted it. But she quickly added that was all there was. But that opened up other possibilities in my now expanded mind. She was a tenacious and compulsive liar, but over a three-week period, one by one, I brought up a total of five interlopers that she eventually admitted to having affairs with over a 20-year period of time. I am sure there were others. She had started having these affairs within 1 to 1 ½ years of when we were married and continued them throughout our marriage.

    These were not strangers to me. They were mostly her colleagues (teachers), who she had introduced, along with their unsuspecting wives, into our family as friends that we saw on a weekly basis and went on vacations with. However, one of them was the husband of a couple, who were the center of a group of friends we had gotten together with for many years. These were some of my closest friends. But following this revelation I would not be able to see these people any more.

    It was clear that this marriage could not and should not be saved. In fact, it almost looked as if she had carefully engineered the whole thing to be as destructive as possible from my point of view. However, she had gone to great lengths to keep me from finding out about any of it. Had I not gotten the outside information about her current affair, who knows how much longer this sick charade would have gone on?

    But for me it was a catastrophe. I lost virtually everything. I lost my wife, which I would eventually come to see was a good thing, but at the time was a severe shock. I could no longer see nor turn to my closest friends. My entire 22-year marriage was now a nightmare—good memories turned to crap. Many family “friends” along the way turned out to be sexual predators let in the front door by my own wife. Even my son, anxious not to lose his mother in this explosion, asked to not know anything he didn’t have to, and told me, “Dad, you have to understand this is something she did to you not to me.”

    Perhaps worst of all, I blamed myself because I saw her seeking other men for sex as a rejection of me, both sexually and because of the way I acted in response to my feeling crazy about my sense that something was wrong. Oh, and all this was happening around 1984. So, there was very little understanding of sex addiction, much less sex addiction in women.

    For the intervening 26 years I have been in groups and individual therapy most of the time. I have had a few girlfriends, and I even remarried for about 4 years. That ended for essentially nonsexual reasons.

    It was only maybe eight years ago that I really began to believe that her behavior had nothing to do with me. But with that came rage that so much of my life (approx. 38 years) had been destroyed by her, both during the marriage and afterward. An important piece of that–I have had erectile dysfunction more or less continuously from the day she finally admitted to her current affair. That is a significant physical impairment, that I had no problem with prior to that, and there is no doubt of its cause. This disaster is still with me. There are times when I cannot fall asleep at night because of the anger I still feel about the whole thing. I have been celibate ever since my second marriage ended in the late 1990s. At first I didn’t think about it much, but at this point it’s pretty clear that I am avoiding the pain and embarrassment of the high likelihood of not being able to perform regardless of how I feel about my partner, as well as not knowing how to deal with a huge ration of unresolved rage about female sexuality and trust. I refuse to be a victim, but I simply don’t know how to fight this, and I have certainly tried everything I know. Defeat in passivity is the worst thing I can think of.

    In the meantime, she has gone on to marry the last target she had been with just as if he bore no taint. And they have set up the appearance of a standard happy married household, where my son can bring his new baby daughter. I, on the other hand, am a single, increasingly angry and bitter, old man trying desperately to look fuzzy and warm. I am also concerned about the conflicts this situation with his mother presents for my son, even though he is trying to be in denial about all of this. She continues to sow destruction, all the time looking like an angel. Indeed, nothing she has done has broken any laws, just lives.

    • Hi George,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. Sex Addiction affects us all equally whether we are male, female, gay or straight, the pain and sense of betrayal is all the same. And the few stories I have received from men show that the pain and trauma are all the same.

      Some say that Sex Addiction is not as common in women as in men, but I don’t believe that. I think it is grossly under stated. But, let’s face it, the men have to be acting out with someone.

      Virtually all Sex Addicts have had some sort abuse in their history and I feel that most prostitutes are Sex Addicts. I think it gives them a false sense of control.

      It is a devastating disease that has far reaching effects. The recovery rate is very low because the root causes are not addressed. Personality Disorders are common and the compulsive sexual behaviors are only a symptom of the underlying issues.

      I am sorry that 22 years of your life turned out to be a sham. But, like the women on my site, you will heal, it just takes sooooooooo long. Have you had therapy for your trauma? Yes, you did experience trauma and until you resolve that happiness will elude you.

      Take your time to read through the stories, articles and comments here on this site. Even though they were written to women they apply to everyone who has suffered from the betrayal. Listen to the interviews that I did with Barbara Steffens, as she addresses the trauma that is experience when we discover that the person we loved and thought would be our life partner was leading a secret life. You can access the interviews from the menu above or just click this link:

      http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/interviews-2/

      I will be starting a separate website for men who are involved in, or have been in a relationship with a Sex Addict as I feel, just as women can relate to other women, that men can gain insight from sharing their unique experiences with each other.

      Stay strong George. There is some wonderful woman out there just waiting for a kind and considerate man like you. Happiness will come.

      • George

        All the same? What an odd assertion when talking about sex. Men and women certainly don’t look the same, don’t experience sex the same, and don’t enjoy the same consequences of it. Men don’t seem to approach romance and seduction in at all the same way that women do. Sex wouldn’t be so intriguing to most of us if men and women were the same, but you believe that “the pain and sense of betrayal is all the same.” That sounds more like some sort of political orthodoxy (read feminism) than actual observation. I would say that both men and women feel profound pain and betrayal when their mates are unfaithful to them, but I don’t think that it is at all the same.

        I would submit that women are basically caregivers, whereas men are protectors. So, when a husband cheats on a wife her basic response is that she needs to fix him, to cure or heal him. Sure she is disappointed and angry, but she sees his wonton behavior as a diseased mistake that can be corrected though caretaking. But when a wife goes off the reservation the husband feels heavily conflicted. He feels he has been protecting this wife from all manner of evil, perhaps particularly including all the men he instinctively knows would like to violate her. But, here she has not only been violated, but she has let the violator in, sneaking him past the husband. The husband is horribly conflicted by the feelings that well up in him—to do a better job of protecting her, and to belatedly kill her for having let the violator in. Feelings like these can make him crazy. Ultimately, he will have a very hard time staying in the marriage because of these profoundly conflicted feelings and his fear that she will let more violators in.

        Let me propose radical notion. Trying to simultaneously understand and heal sex addicts and their victims is at best very confusing and at worst duplicitous. If you are going to help victims I think you have to stop caring about the perpetrators. As you say, “The recovery rate is very low . . .” And, almost inevitably, if the victim stays in the toxic relationship, the perp goes on violating, lying, victimizing and doing more damage to the victim. In this society the victims get the short end of the stick. They need all the help they can get.

        And regarding this society, we have essentially told SAs that their MO is OK. Only the fringes of their behavior are criminalized, which means that society does not lift a finger to protect victims of SAs. This says a lot because victims of SAs are generally responsible, adult members of this society, while SAs are irresponsible, destructive assholes, who act like spoiled children. We send a powerful message in this society by the way we treat this substantial and growing problem, which attacks the very foundation of any society—the nuclear family. If we wanted to attack another society we could hardly devise a more effective and insidious scheme, but we are doing this to ourselves.

        SAs should be seen in the same way drunk drivers are. No one has any sympathy for drunk drivers. When we catch them we throw the book at them. We should take the same approach to SAs. They should do slammer time, as should their correspondents, and they should forfeit any claim in any divorce settlement, including custody of children. I have a feeling this approach would work wonders in “curing SAs,” where therapy and 12-step groups have made little headway. I think this approach would work, if for no other reason than potentially infidelitous spouses would have a much harder time finding fuck buddies.

        Medicine too strong, you say? The punishment fits the crime, I say, and more importantly, nothing less than the future of this society is at stake. On the other hand, I have an uneasy feeling that one of the reasons that this ugly situation has been decriminalized is because a large number of legislators, prosecutors and judges are SAs.

        WRT your plans for a website for men and your observation that women relate to women and men relate to men, firstly, how does that figure into your calculus of it’s “All the same”? And, secondly, don’t you think there is a huge opportunity for men and women to learn from exchanging points of view, particularly on this subject? Segregating these forums is like going around talking to yourself. You might learn something, but not likely. But if you open that conversation up to people with different experiences you’re guaranteed to learn a great deal. Now, you might also be uncomfortable reading some of the things different people might have to say, but you don’t learn much by remaining comfortable, particularly around a subject like sexual relationship betrayal.

        Thank you for your response to my post, and all the best in 2012.

        George

      • I think you misunderstood. I said the pain was the same, not that men and women were the same. I do think that their reactions and methods of dealing with crisis are different, hence the need for two different private websites, allowing for freedom of expression that might be difficult in a public, mixed group.

        You offer some interesting ideas. They are food for thought.

      • George

        JoAnn
        I think I made myself more than clear, and I didn’t misunderstand you. I understood what you said, now you have said a little more, but still not said very much. And, based on the little that you have said I still don’t see the rationale for segregated websites. It reminds me of when I was in high school and we would all go to the beach. If one of the girls had her period none of the girls would go in the water.

        I guess my question would be, is anybody getting significantly better the way you’re doing it? The reason I ask this is because everything I read says that the cure/heal/whatever rate for this very low, so what would it hurt to try something different? Maybe something that introduced the notion to women victims that some men have suffered the same kind of damage that they have, that the world is a bit more complicated than the one they seem to believe in based on their female-only pity parties. That conversation, which I have seen so often is very unlikely to lead to improved or enlightened souls.

      • This idiot makes me remember why we don’t want men on this site. I will not allow the last comment he sent to be posted as his nastiness continues to escalate. That’s a shame because I do think that most men who have or had Sexually Addicted partners could add a lot to the discussion. Maybe I need to rethink my decision about allowing men to comment.?

        What are your thoughts?

      • Marc

        I agree George. This issue is a complex one of biology, philosophy, spirituality, and much more. First, I appreciate so much that this site is accepting of men because there are so few spaces to understand the similarity of pain though the stories are quite different. When I did a search for “sex addict wife” all I got on first try was pages of women’s stories about their awful husbands. That helped some, but I kept finding that it didn’t quite match. This is my first visit to this site, and I see I will be coming back here often for perspective. (BTw, I found this by searching “my wife is a sex addict” — so interesting how google filters things, especially because they place ads for finding singles in your area on the same page!). I will share my story here soon, but I am just learning so much about what my story is.

        Still, I appreciate JoAnn’s original post here. Men need to be a part of this picture and our stories need a space too. I also think there is a space for both privacy and for commonality. I know I would use both. I know talking with female and male counselors has been enormously helpful to me too. More perspective the better, I say. Thanks!

      • AM

        His assertions that women are trying to fix their man while men have a right to feel even more morally outraged really hurt. He is condemming women for the act of habitual cheating, but is minimizing the impact on women, in my judgement. And to bring up women’s periods in relation to us sharing our SA abuse I found very condescending.

        I agree with him that many SAs run the rules of society. I like, in the depths of my pain, to think of laws treating this sort of behavior as abuse. However, I think that his mentality reflects the ‘blame the victim’ as well. His comments of wanting to kill her, as if we don’t have deep desires to see our abusers dead? That it is worse for men, like women should expect this sort of behavior and so shouldn’t get upset when we are manipulated and used and lied to?

        I think he is too hurt and lost in his victim stance to see the forest for the trees. I would have liked to hear from a man’s point of view, to realize that we, as women, are not alone in our distress. That this is a human problem.

        But to feel attacked by a man using the very same sorts of language that our current abusers use against us, not so much.

  • Lorraine (now Lexie)

    George,

    I hope its alright to respond since you wrote this very heartfelt post. As you know, the vast majority of us, on here are women, who’ve experience the same things you have, with our husbands/partners. It is far more common for a man to have SA, than the other way around, however, of course, it does exist. So, please know that the feelings of loss, betrayal, intense psychological and emotional pain are the same. If you are feeling this, this is a good sign; its a sign that you are a healthy normal person.

    This is a hideous and insidious disease. I think of it as not only a betrayal, but the decimation of one’s soul, and for me, this has been the worst emotional pain, I have ever had. My husband, of 23 years, I found out, (the whole truth five months ago) is a porn, love and sex addict. Like your ex wife, he is slovenly and suffers from chronically low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. He has moved out at my insistence. We have two sons 21 and 16 and they have been very supportive– thank God!

    As difficult as this is to believe,(although, it appears that you do understand this now) it truly IS not about us. Yes, there were possibly some problems in the relationship, from whatever the source. (not necessarily within the control, of the couple, either.) But, THIS is how she deems it necessary to deal with her problems? Why it doesn’t make one iota of sense and the reason is that it has nothing to do with any problems with you or your marriage or even life, itself. Your ex-wife was a SA, long before you met her. SAs are pathological liars and many are so sick, that they do not even realize that they are lying and they lie to themselves too. Lots written about that, so no need to rehash all of that.

    Are you still in therapy? I am asking, because I hear a man who is in great pain and has some fears that perhaps I can try to help alleviate, but a really good therapist can expand on that.

    I do hear in your post some areas where there are what I feel are some erroneous, but common misconceptions about women and also some road blocks you have set up for yourself. (however, quite understandable). Let’s see if we can clear some of this up and knock down those obstructions, to get you moving forward…

    First of all, not ALL women are untrustworthy or have sexual issues. In fact, this is not that common in women, at all!

    Next, women have performance anxiety too.

    Let me repeat that.

    WOMEN HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY TOO.

    Yes, yes… its not as obvious, perhaps, but we do. A woman who really cares for you as a person is going to care about you as a whole man.

    You are not just one big dick. (well, i hope not. LOL)

    You have a head, a brain, a neck, a torso, a butt, legs– fingers ;)…(oops, sorry, getting a bit carried away) well, you get it and for women, let me tell you… we don’t care all that much about your dick– specifically. If we are attracted to you, as a man. We find it ALL erotic. Oh, I know… YOU care. But, just know, that it really isn’t that important to us.
    we don’t really care about your dick or what it decides to do or not do. so, please do not let that hang you up. Oh, i know… you don’t believe me and you have your pride.

    let it go.

    What we care about is you. All of you. However, what really turns us on, is a CONFIDENT MAN. That is hot! And we want to love and be loved. A healthy woman has an emotional response to sex. We love it when you’re playful and lusty and fun… so make a fun game out of it… get some toys… get some viagra– lol… get a book of sex games to play, or the Kama Sutra or anything, to get your mind off of THE SEX ACT.

    There are lots of options for having sex that don’t necessarily involve your member. If he decides he wants to come along and join the party, great and if not, really we don’t care. We’ll have fun without him. ;)

    please, please, believe me. Oh, if only my husband had fucking TALKED TO ME.

    Do you understand??? Its a revolving door of fear that you have created for yourself and he did the exact same thing… and its self-defeating and not going to get you anywhere that you want to be, which from what I hear is in the arms of a delicious woman. Am I not right? Please don’t let one sick cow destroy your entire life. Its not worth it.

    Its time to let go of the anger. Let go of them. Fuck your ex wife. Fuck her new husband. (metaphorically, of course) ;) Thank your lucky stars that you’re not him and that she cut the sick ties that bind you. I pity him. He’s stuck with an incurable sex addict. And one day, he will become you. Mark my words. Appearances, as we know mean absolutely nothing. good riddance!!!

    Now, let’s focus on you. You’re a man of a certain age. Are you fit? Do you eat properly? Are you well-groomed? dressed? Do you take care of your teeth. Are you up to date with your check ups? And BTW, have you been to a urologist??? might be a good idea? Do you need to see the dentist? Are you whitening your teeth. Don’t laugh. This is very important. If you need a make over. get one. I’m serious. It will not only make you more attractive, it will give you that all-important self-confidence. okay?

    somewhere along the way, men perpetuated this unbelievable MYTH which absolutely drives me bonkers that men are visual and women are not!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I see… so that’s why women wear makeup, spend thousands of dollars at the hair salon, get our nails done, obsess over what clothes we are wearing, and decorate our homes.

    Its because we are not visual.

    Women are ten times more visual than men!!!

    but, we also like brains and charm. So be smart and charming, too.

    And we LOVE romance. We love playfulness and we love nice surprises. ;)

    We are not THAT complicated. We really are not, unless a man acts like an ass, and then, yes, you will not enjoy our company then, but let’s not go there, because I am sure that you are not an ass. ;)

    forget about the sex, for now. Just get out there. enjoy. don’t rush. take it easy. go slow. I guarantee that a woman who’s truly interested in you and your company will find this refreshing and will be relieved that you are not pressuring her for sex and intimacy before the relationship is ready for that.

    Stay in therapy. Perhaps seek out the help of a sex therapist.

    Keep it light. Keep it fun.

    Be James Bond. Be George Clooney.

    Don’t laugh. Just do it. Think James. Think George. You can have any woman you want.

    That confidence will help propel you to where you want to be.

    the happiest of holidays to you and all the best for 2012 and fresh starts,

    Lexie

  • Well George, this site will stay as it is and will be open to dialogue and discussion between men and women. The new site for men, when and if it is developed, will offer a private site for those who chose that venue.

    So, there will be something for everyone.

  • Lorraine (now Lexie)

    Dear George,

    WTF? JoAnn was nothing but supportive and empathetic to you and your situation. So, why the snarky, rude, comment? And why are you splitting hairs over something that is actually NOT true, IMO. Women are a lot more like men, (and vice versa) then you seem to think that we are– especially when it comes to basic human emotions. And FYI, my husband actually TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND DATE… while he was f**king around behind my back. Yes, yes… very protective, wasn’t he? And I am NOT TRYING TO FIX HIM.

    I’M DIVORCING HIS SORRY FUCKED UP, DECIMATING ASS!!!!!!!!!

    So, my dear, your sweeping, inappropriate generalizations are, simply that– inappropriate, especially in light of JoAnn’s thoughtful, kind message.

    Shame on you!!!

    and yes, I believe that you had it right the first time JoAnn.

  • Rob

    Perhaps a separate site for men is appropriate, but I wouldn’t let “George” sway your opinion one way or another. I am a man dealing with the impact of my wife who is a sex addict. I believe the feelings of betrayal and reactions are traumatic whether you are a man or woman. Perhaps initially I personally thought that perhaps it affected a man more as a “man”, but later realized that it certainly would affect a woman the same way… feelings of rejection, of abandonment, of comparing and finding lack in yourself as you try to determine why your partner chose those other men (in my case) over you. It’s difficult to buy into the cognitive, logical notion that “its not personal”, because we as humans can’t help but take it personally. It’s a deep, sacred trust that has been shattered and it is extremely traumatic whether you are the wife or husband of a sex addict.

    And to John’s comment, I agree that there seems to be much less support available for male partners of sex addicts unfortunately. Who can I tell and feel safe doing so? There were no male friends of mine that I felt I could confide in, only female friends. And when I turned towards several “experts”, I was branded as co-addicted and co-dependent.

    So I started doing some research analyzing my symptoms and eventually realized that I was suffering from trauma and had the classic signs of PTSD. Coincidentally I ran across Barb Steffen’s book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal and it validated and verified everything I had discovered.

    As I read it, I KNEW that it does NOT matter whether a man or woman wrote the excerpts and samples in her book (most/all were from women I believe actually), I could have written every single word. The pain and trauma is the same whether you are a man or woman partner of a sex addict.

    • Leslie

      Thank u for this post. Very well articulated. Blessings and healing and pls google Dr.omar Minwalla sex addiction induced trauma. Its finally been named.

  • Rob

    Let me add a little background (he says apologetically because he forgot to introduce himself :) ) that I’ve been dealing with my wife’s sex addiction for just over 3 years. Initially neither of us recognized it for what it was, but then we did. We did online self-assessments and then went to see a therapist who specializes in dealing with sex addictions. She very strongly urged that my wife should have been institutionalized, but we couldn’t afford the treatment centers.

    She entered therapy, attended SA meetings, oftentimes with me accompanying her. We’d talk openly about triggers etc and things would be fine for a while. Then eventually I’d start seeing the “signs” again and it would start over again — me catching her, the blowups, the promises etc.

    Three years later and I’m in trouble. Inititally it started as a spending addiction and then that moved into the sex addiction. She driven us into bankruptcy (totally out-of-control at times) and the toll of the trauma from both the finances and sex addiction has devastated me on every level as many of you can imagine.

    The last time was the day before my birthday last week and that was IT. We’re done. End of story. No turning back. I cannot survive in this relationship period. It’s not about anger or hurt or anything; I just have nothing left to give and its killing me literally (severe PTSD symptoms now).

    So we have separated and our working towards a dissolution which will happen over the next few months. I will survive and eventually thrive again (I’m a fighter… got it from my mom), but it leaves me sad that I don’t think my (soon to be) ex-wife will ever overcome her addictions.

    I still am madly in love with her as a person and as a human being, but she is too toxic to me and I know that now. I only pray that somehow, some way she finds what she needs.

  • elizabeth

    To hell with these sex addicts-30 years of my life was destroyed by one. I say get away from them ASAP. DO NOT spend another minute of your time or another cent of your money on them-look how much more time and money you already have spent, now that you have discovered their problem, and are coddling them to death, to “recover”. I think they should pay for their behavior, and you should be able to sue them specifically for being an addict,and for putting your HEALTH at risk. THAT is HUGE!!!. And BOO hoo, poor little addict-Jesus, we are all people, given free will, but this is what these assholes have chosen to do,use you and screw you over like any criminal. I kicked mine out of the house, and I’m selling everything of his to help pay for all the whores he paid for with my money. One day, there should be a special place in the courts for this. Now that the “disease” has been identified and acknowledged in society,(and has even earned its abbreviated logo, like every other condition nowadays)it should not just be treated as something that needs treatment, but something that needs punishment. I’ll bet the number of cases would go down to nothing if people started getting fined for it. People DO know the difference between right and wrong. Yes, the poor saps may be addicts now, but its because they chose this behavior. And I don’t buy that this is something inherited. These coddling methods for helping them to rehabilitate, are only uselessly lining theropists pockets, and prolonging the agony of the victim. A guy on another site put it best when he said just 2 lines:” The best way to deal with it, is to not deal with it”. I mean, voila, I’M free now, and YOU can be , too. Just like that! And I DON’T need counceling or anything- Thank God I got out from under it with some life left to LIVE. PS- It WAS very helpful to see all of the symptoms defined in people’s writings-basically just plain old dishonesty. I was going to say also, that I could not believe all the time, pages written, theropy appointments,etc etc spent on the subject of these people. We shouldn’t be at our computers wasting another minute on them. Just get RID of them, and live your life. There are 6.5 billion people in the world, and I am sure there are other good people like yourselves and me, that would be would be a good mate and be true. Just do it-be free. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING.

    • Harry

      Well…….this sounds like the stright on approach, and probably the best. Procrastination and waiting is a waste, you will have to deal with it sometime. If you have kids, then no time is a good time for divorce, but just plan & get organized then do it. It all gets down to a Trust issue. The sex thing is just a bi product of a false person, be glad you know and now take responseability.

  • Mark

    My Girl Friend of one year, has had her escapades or “moments” She goes to the grocery store for 3 hours? She hides her Phone, secret email’s and facebook off and on! Eye F— men at bars, and says im crazy when i confront her! She lies about simple BS all the time! I started reading e-mails FB messages, and Text! When she realized I was spying, she started erase erase erase! By then I saw the Pattern! I originally thought it was me! But her pattern showed this was her trademark! Not my Problem, but I Love her! She is inconsistant with her kids as well as G’Baby;s! LIE’S to all her family about why she can’t make birthdays, can’t keep a job, and no-one respects her trashy flirting way’s! I mean talking sex to strangers!(except the ones chosen) The men she picked are 5′s on a scale of 10! If you compliment her you might get a BJ! She is Narsesistic as well as so self absorbed with her weight, and look’s! WTF Happend to her? Her Ex is in Prison for Molesting her first born (from first X) I didn’t know! Her first X commited suicide! So should I, If I stay! I’m now worried about me! I can’t work, im paralyzed with fear! The intimacy is gone! She can’t understand! Dah HO we never had it together! The sad thing is I’m about too kick her whore ass out, and i feel sorry for her! She will spin it, as they all do! Then you will feel guilty as well as wrong, and she never did anything? My ASS! TRUST YOUR GUT, PROTECT YOUR HEART! THIS IS MENS INTUITION! DON’T LIE TO YOURSELF SHE IS A MANIPULATOR, LIAR, WHORE TO THE MAX! BYE SONYA! YOU FUCKED UP THE BEST MAN THAT YOU EVER HAD!

  • Stressed

    I have strong feeling my wife may be a sex addict. We have been married for 10 years during which time I’ve been in the military, I have spent a number of years deployed. I have caught her in literally thousands of lies over the past years but she claims to be truthful when I bring up suspicions of numerous affairs. When returning from deployments I often find strong evidence of affairs especially after my last one when the wife of a neighbor informed me that her husband and my wife have been seeing each other. I already had suspicion due to the fact they were always flirtatious when around each other. They both denied the affair but when reviewing the phone records in one month over 300 calls and text were exchanged most in the AM hours, during this period she did not answer one of my calls or emails from me. Along with the neighbor there have been others such as a man she was talking to on facebook talking about meeting up with. A few weeks later she visited family but ACCIDENTALLY took a 250 mile detour through his town were bank records proved she stopped finally she admitted to stopping in the town but claims to have not met up with him even though their Facebook accounts stated different. There are other things that make me suspicious such as taking hours to do small errands which is happening at this very moment. I am not naive or ignorant but I do love her and just want her to understand how difficult it is for me to live like this. I have tried to talk about the issues in the past but she gets defensive, blows up and threatens to leave . Any recommendations on how to talk to her and have her get help would be greatly appreciated. I have another deployment coming up and don’t feel like worry about this when my mind should be on other things. If I can’t fix the problem soon then I will have to end it even though we both love each other. I feel like she won’t admit the problem because she believes I will leave, when the truth is I just want her to realize she has a problem so we can seek help.

  • Kimberly

    Stressed, I’m sorry to say, but she won’t stop unless SHE wants to. There is no WE. This is entirely her problem and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help her get well. She has to want it with every fiber of her being and it appears that she is not yet ready. If you call her on it, as you have seen, she will get extremely angry, put spin on the facts and out right lie to your face. Now, I am curious, what is it exactly that you love about this woman? She sounds pretty toxic to me. You say that she loves you. I’m sure that she “needs” you, but what is loving about what she’s doing to you? To your marriage, sanity, trust, love, not to mention the highly humiliating discovery, that lots of people seem to be aware of her antics that are going on while you are fighting for her and your country. Doesn’t seem like a good deal to me. We women are far more familiar with the opposite situation occurring. Please know that there are many, fantastic women who do not, would not even think of conducting themselves in this manner. Wishing you well. Kim

  • Me

    I am so discouraged. I came to this site to find help for women in my situation and these comments have me feeling like scum of the earth….ugggh

    • I’m sorry, Me, if you are a Sex Addict yourself then this is not the place for you. This is a site that offers support and resources to partners of Sex Addicts.

      There are many, many other sites that support the Sex Addict, but this in not one of them. ~ JoAnn

  • Ronnie

    I’ve been married four months.She has cheated on me four times(that I know of)…and always the same excuse,and always that it’s not about me and always lying.I will be divorced in one week!!

  • mansur

    I HAVE MORE OR LESS THE SAME PROBLEM AS GEORG .
    1: SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ” VERGIN ” , SHE WAS NOT . ( DENIED BY HER )
    2: ONE MORNING , I LEFT ON A TRIP , WHILE A ” CLOSE FRIEND ” WAS STAYING WITH US . FOR SOME RESON I CAME BACK AFTER 5- 7 MINUTES .NOKED THE DOOR ,
    SHE DID NOT OPEN . I GOT MAD , HIT THE METAL DOOR WITH A ROCK , NO ANSWER . THIS KEPT ON GOING FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOURE . SHE POENED UP !?
    WHY SO LATE ? ANSWERED ” I WAS ASLEEP ” !!! , I GO IN , THE DOOR TO ” THE FRIEND ” ROOM WAS WIDE OPEN ,HE WAS COVERED WITHE A BLANKET , AS IF HE WAS DEAD . THE DOOR WAS CLOSED 5-7 MINUTES AGO , ( MY GOD , WHAT IS HAPPENING ) I SAID TO MYSELF .HOW COULD SHE GO DEAD SLEEPING AFTER 5-7 MINUTES ?
    3 : I USUALLY WENT HOME FROM WORK AT ABOUT 5-7 PM. , ONE DAY I WENT HOME AT 1.30 PM.
    SHE OPENED THE DOOR , WHAT I SAW I COULD NOT BELIVE . SHE WAS DRESED IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL , SEXY DRESS THAT I HAD BOUGHT HER .AND THE SMELL OF HEAVY PERFUME HAD FILLED THE AIR .AND SHE LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL , I HAD NEVER EVER SEEN HER LIKE THAT . I THOGHT
    ” WHAT IS GOING ON …. ???” , AS I WAS IN SHOCK , THE DOOR BELL RANG . I OPENED THE DOOR . A ” FRIEND ” WHO WAS IN GERMANY SINCE 4 YEARS AGO , WALKS IN !! ” WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING HERE ” I SAID TO MYSELF .
    SHE SAID ” I DO NOT KNOW ABOUT HIM , I PUT ON MAKE UP AND DRESS , BECAUSE WE WERE GOING OUT TONIGHT …..”

    I HAVE 14 STORIES LIKE THIS . NOW AFTER 30 YEARS , I AM GOING CRAZY . THE PROBLEM IS THAT , IN ” REAL LIFE ” , SHE ACTS SO THAT SHE IS AN ANGEL , AND NOBODY WILL BELIVE ME .
    SHE DENIES EVERY THING AND SHOUTS AT ME , WHEN I TALK ABOUT THE CASES .SHE SAYS , LOVES ME , & THE PROBLEM IS THAT ( STUPIT ME ) , I STILL DON,T HATE HER SO MUCH TO GET RID OF HER .
    WE HAVE 3 KIDS .
    I HAVE EVENTUALLY DECIDED TO DIVORCE . THE PROBLEM IS THIS : THESE THOUGHTS , WILL NEVER LET ME FREE .
    I AM LOST . I AM AN EDUCATED BUSINESSMAN , PROVIDED HER WITH EVERYTHING POSSIBLE .
    HOW CAN I HANDLE IT ?

  • Douglas

    All I can say men, is read Matthew 19:9. Dont think you can handle something God is freeing you from. I tried and just got freed from 729 days of ansolute hell!

  • bob

    I think there should be a distinction made between “sex addict” and “cheater”. A “sex addict” has a desire, propensity or unnaturally strong urge to have sex… This is true, regardless of whether the sex addict is acting out. In itself, this isn’t necessarily a problem. It is a problem however, when the acting out starts to affect the sex addict’s life, and the lives of those around him/her. The cheater, is the sex addict who decides to have sex with other people, regardless of the commitments he/she has made. I’m a sex addict, but I don’t cheat. I’d love to be on random escapades every few nights. However, I will not do this, as I am in a committed relationship. Everyone can make excuses for the addict (parents left them, beaten/abandoned as a child, had a cheating partner, etc.)… However, the decision to cheat is one that has nothing to do with addiction… It has to do with respect. The thought process that SHOULD go through the addicts head when he/she wants (or is even planning to) cheat is, “My partner would be seriously harmed by this, and he/she deserves better than that behaviour. I would hate it if my partner did the same to me, and I deserve better than that. Therefore my partner also deserves better than this type of behaviour. There is no excuse and I’m not going to do it.”
    If a sex addict can’t follow through with that thought process, then they deserve to be alone. They are probably better off alone too, so don’t feel too bad for them!

  • kimberly

    Bob,

    That is probably one of the most insightful, honest, just right-on-the money explanations I have ever read and I’ve read a lot over the last several years and I couldn’t agree with you more.

    It is absolutely FINE to be a sex addict. hey, why not? That is… if one is either in a relationship that is completely OPEN and EMBRACES it or as you said is completely on their own. Its the deceit that’s the problem and there simply IS no excuse to screw someone’s partner over like that. I will never, ever understand the so-called logic that sex addicts (the entitled ones) that come frothing out of their not-very-sorry mouths.

    “My father beat me. My mother made me feel like an insignificant loser. Therefore, I am entitled to cheat on my wife/husband/partner— the one that I promised in front of my family and 100 or so of our friends that I would forsake all others.”

    I just want to add that I very much admire your courage and appreciate your statement more than I can possibly express.

    Godspeed!

    K

  • Steve

    I am mired in this right now. Wife..three young children.Wife is 15 years sober from drug addiction but still has addiction problems with food and other things. We had a big fight with my family 3 or so years
    ago and my wife thinks I was to forgiving of family (maybe she is right I dont know). This has
    led to strain in our relationship to the point I found out she was online websites talking to men
    and posting topless pictures of herself. Also found out she was talking to some of these men on the phone.
    Shes says it was not sexual in nature but I really dont know. She says she does not get enough affection
    from me and she was finding attention and friendship from these men. When I found out, she said she was sorry
    but said she still craved the attention from posting pictures online (never with her face shown) so I agreed as long
    as it was in the open, I would allow it, thinking maybe after going to therapy it would end.
    Well in less then a week I found she was doing things online she promised she would not do and
    we had another blow up. We slowly became closer over a few weeks and it seemed like things were getting better but I was still paranoid because she was still online posting and messaging men so I opened an account using a diffrent name and started messaging her to see how far she was going with these men.
    (TRYING TO FIND THE FACTS WILL MAKE YOU CRAZY!! ESPECIALY WHEN THE PERSON WONT TELL YOU EVERYTHING!)
    Anyway…she figured out it was me, and now she says she lost my trust, and that all the affection I was showing her the last few weeks was just a guise. (It wasnt….but when your spouse is straying you will be consumed by trying to find out whats going on!!) So in some crazy turn, I am left apologizing to her for trying to find out what she is up too. This addiction is so strong, even with reality of breaking up her family, she has not been able stop. She makes me feel stupid for researching this online…even makes fun of me, even though she followed exactly down the path most addicts go down. I almost knew exactly what she would say when everything went down. In a moment of clarity she told me she knows she will regret this all in few years,but for now we are going down a spiral of despair.

  • kimberly

    Oh Steve, Steve, Steve…

    Talk about your mindfucks! She’s lost YOUR trust??? That’s rich! You do realize that she’s fucking with your head, right? She’s parading her boobs all over Craig’s List or whatever and then she gets on the phone with these dudes and its not sexual? Sure, sure. She’s chatting to them about the PTA bake sale next week. makes a lot of sense. :/

    Of course its sexual! She’s an addict. She’s substituted sex for drugs. If she beats this, it’ll be shopping or gambling. She’s an addict and addicts lie, deflect, blame and minimize.

    AND, they make sneaky, crazy, stalking pathetic creatures out of even the best of us!

    One very important thing and please have this embroidered on a plaque above her head. Her sexcapades have absolutely NOTHING to do with any conflict with your family. nothing. does she have a fucking mouth or is her anatomy just limited to a pair of boobs and a hole between her legs? Sorry to be so crass but it gets my hackles up when I see anyone, man, woman or child being abused by someone who supposedly loves them.

    You do know the truth. You do know what is real and what is not. The question is… what are you going to do about it? She is not going to change. She can’t. She’s an addict. so, you either have to live with her the way she is and let her have her outside activities, or you need to make a plan to get out.

    Those are your two choices. There isn’t a third choice. Some people will try to tell you that there is, but that is where you will find yourself in the loony bin— because it simply does not exist. It already sounds like you’ve tried to make a deal with the devil, but Steve, I can see this is systematically destroying your own soul. That is why you are here. This is not your fault; not your problem, but you are faced with some big decisions. I wish you nothing but the best ~ K

    • Steve

      Kimberly,
      After she confronted me about spying on her, I actually found my self apologizing to her!
      At the moment I knew how wrong it was…yet I was still doing. Here is a good mindfuck
      for you…After she found out I was spying and we were fighting she says..” You know
      I was just starting to trust you again, I was thinking about ending the stuff I was doing online but now I cant trust you at all…..I want a divorce!” In her mind what I did was worse then posting naked pictures online, talking to strange men (even when I was 20 feet away in the shower!)talking to men on the phone while my 3 young children were around, accidently letting the 3 guys she was on the phone with her real name and address.
      Another mindfuck…”Honey would you consider a threesome with another guy….it would just be about sex….no emotion….just sex” After I found her talking to these guys she found on a cheating website her story is this.”It was nothing sexual, we just talked about boring stuff” Her favorite guy “James..complete with british accent….she told me she befriended him because his profile on Adult Friend Finder was so poor she felt sorry for him! WTF! This is a woman who will go on and on about a friend who is showing a little
      cleavage on her facebook profile! She is allready blaming me for all the problems she will have after the divorce! Let me tell you 3 young children is the only reason I have stuck around this long.

      • Manny

        Its so crazy… your wife sounds exactly like mine. She will talk very poorly about others, often judge others, and yet in her own personal life she will do these same things. I find subscriptions for dating sites in her email when I have checked, and she receives calls from men and texts, though she has found ways to avoid being traced, like through gmail and other methods… She also blames me, and even tells me I have an illness so she does not have to confront hers… This really confirms for me that I have to walk away from this marriage. Thank you guys so much for posting your stories.

  • kimberly

    eeewww… she’s a real piece of work, as they say, Steve. Yep. you’ve got it. good and sorry, it truly does suck, doesn’t it? Please, please… do divorce her. Let her find someone else to “trust.” (its so wacky its almost funny.) better for the kids, but better even yet… make it a stipulation that she gets her sorry ass into counseling and STAYS THERE! She’s one fucked up cookie and she really needs to get her shit together. A person who wants sex without emotion is not really a person and your 3 children deserve better than that.

  • kimberly

    Manny,

    Just wanted to say that of course, (according to her) the marriage is so “hideous” that she HAS to STAY married to you, just so she can torture you. You’re doing the right thing. best, K

  • Cman

    I have been married for 24 years. My wife always felt bad that she never really liked sex. After her not wanting me but once per month out of duty, I came up with an idea to record her at night. By this time we were sleeping in seperate rooms. What I heard destroyed my world. She was having phone sex every night. Spent thousands on credit cards. I still have no idea if she has slept with other men for real but my gut tells me this is a foregone conclusion. When confronted with anything she denies everything and says I have had a psychotic break. The recordings don’t lie. What she was doing, saying and performing was like listening to porn. She has taken a liking to treating me like a worthless man that she does not need. Reading this website has given me some understanding that this is real and I am not crazy.

  • Mike

    I have been married for over three years. About 3 months ago my wife revealed to me that she had an affair for most of that time. When that man wouldn’t leave his wife for her, she started finding other men and women on craigslist and having sex with them in random places. She put my health both mentally and physically in danger. So we went for help at our church and in therapy. We were making what I thought was awesome progress for over three months until she revealed to me that on a business trip she did it again. I just don’t know what to do. I love her dearly, and I know that this is probably just the codependent in me talking, but I just don’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. As stupid as it sounds, if you could take away the sexual addiction and lies, she is a perfect wife: She’s my best friend, she’s always on top of everything, she’s gorgeous, funny, intelligent, loves doing the same things as me, and treats me like a king. I know that probably sounds nuts. I just want my wife to stop cheating on me, it breaks my heart and takes a little bit more of my sanity away every day.

    • Marc

      Mike,

      I empathize with your story totally. I’ve been going through this for almost 30 months now. I’ve been with my wife for almost 30 years and I found out about a long history of her messing around on me. She’s lost jobs that I know now are because of her sexual addiction. But, on other fronts, we’re good friends and we care a lot about each other. To make the long, sordid story short, we almost divorced about 3 months ago because she wasn’t taking her addiction seriously and she was continuously blaming me and others around her for her behavior. We separated for a few weeks, during which she acted out of control, and then she realized that she was about to lose me and her four children to this problem, so she began to earnestly work on it. That sounds like what your wife needs to do, and I hope she finds good resources through SAA, SMART Recovery or whatever works for her. As for you feeling codependent, I felt the same way at the beginning, though it never felt quite right as an explanation: then I read “Your sexually addicted spouse” by Barbara Steffens, Ph.D. and others. It makes a good argument for why trauma like this can manifest in ways that look codependent but really aren’t at the heart. This is a trauma situation, and as you say, when your heart is breaking you’ll do almost anything to put it back together. I recommend it highly. Stick in there and encourage her to find help but you stay sane too. Be the person you want to be.

      Marc

    • IStillLoveHer

      I’m dealing with similar situation. Happily married for 2+ years, living together for 6+, built a home, dog, careers, family everything very healthy. i feel this women really made many enormously positive changes in my live like learning to love and care about others, rebuilding family bonds, etc. but somewhere a while ago the sex life got weird, went idle, she claimed it was medical issues. but one morning i came to find out about some cheating back home through a third party, we have a confrontation, the confession and apology were more like rationalization and to some extent blaming the victim (me). a difficult period ensues, mistrust, smothering, guilt, lots of intense emotions, we eventually burn out and cool down and start relating again, she says she’s doing counseling. i unfortunately have trust issues both prior to meeting her and certainly now, i have to know what im in for so do more digging and some surveillance and learn more and more uncomfortable things. at this point i know she is continuing to lie and be deceptive about a vast array of things, her feelings on the marriage, her sexual behavior, simple impulsive things like remember things we talked about, drugs and alcohol issues, self-esteem issues, self-control issues. unfortunately now this information coupled with my unethical behavior reults in me carrying the guilt of eavesdropping on her, something id never want to do with my the love my life. more time passes, i eventually get to the bottom line, i love the person (perhaps in a new different way) and then i got control of my anger and frustration and decided that im in the relationship not for me, or us and the marriage at this point (may never be fixed)… but now for her, to return the favor she gave me, to get her to a happy healthy state. after all my dream is to have my wife be the happy healthy adjusted person i imagined her to be when i proposed. this is what i want and its what i will work for until there is no hope left.

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