Who’s Fooling Who?
In the back of my mind, I don’t want him anymore. I don’t. In the back of my mind he is damaged goods, someone passed around and discarded by hundreds of women. In the back of my mind he’s aged. In the back of my mind, he is used by women and tricked out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by a bunch of twenty-year-olds. In the back of my mind, he was the joke of strippers, the guy they all wanted to dance for because he was such an easy target.
In the back of my mind I see him asking these girls to meet him for drinks and time after time being rejected. In the back of my mind, strippers and prostitutes did not want to spend any time with him unless it was in a dark place and a whole lot of money was involved. In the back of my mind, they didn’t want to be out with him, even if he were buying dinner or drinks. In the back of my mind, he drove an hour away from home to meet the stripper who did agree to have lunch with him. She kept him waiting for an hour. In the back of my mind, he sat there waiting. Middle aged, bald, wearing a pair of Maui Jim sunglasses he believes makes him cool and holding onto the gift box with the Ross-Simons bracelet he bought her. He sits and waits. Like a good boy. A puppy. After lunch, he drives the hour back.
In the back of my mind, he now sees what a joke he was to them. He now sees that not one of those twenty-something strippers was interested in a man older than their father. In the back of my mind, I see him regretting that his own twenty something daughters have little to say to him. Not because they are aware of his addiction, but because it was impossible to spend quality time with teen girls when his mind was on sexual fantasies with girls their age or just a wee bit older.
I see him worried that his own daughters’ college tuition fund is gone. I see him realizing that at any time his wife can walk away and if she goes, his children go also. I see him realizing that the only money he has left is his retirement and his wife can claim the majority of that. I see him recognizing that if he has to pay college tuition, alimony and child support, he will have to live like a twenty year old even though he has worked thirty years. I see him desperate on the inside and trying mightily to avoid what can happen if his wife chooses to walk away. I see him as a man with choices, but the only real choice is to try to stay married.
I see a fool. I see a fool, who now sees that he has indeed been played for a fool. I see a rejected, laughed at fool. A fool rejected by strippers and prostitutes. A fool who desperately wants to come home. A fool who now understands that without me, he is alone. A fool who would have to explain how Dudley Do-Right’s marriage came to a shattering end.
I am on my way to my marriage counseling session. It’s very helpful to me. It allows me to entertain the idea that I might be able to regain some respect for this fool. But I know that in the back of my mind, the idea that keeps playing around the edges is three hundred strippers can’t be wrong.
If not one of them wanted you, I shouldn’t either.
Dear honest wife,
Another hard story well told from yet another angle! Thank you for sharing.
I also have some sense of my SA husband’s desperation in wanting to stay married to me. I see clearly now how I was the passport to “normal” social relationships. He had no friends. Now he has friends—they are all Sex Addicts too. I’m pretty sure he misses being with people who aren’t all 12-stepping their way through life. But he can’t make “real” friends—people not connected to him by his disease alone. Because he’s not an honest person.
In the early days after discovery, one of the things I said to him around my decision to get away from him was that I would not spend my golden years with a dirty old man masturbating in the middle of the night to internet porn. The thought of his skinny ass, baggy skin, and limp penis parked in front of the monitor still makes me want to vomit. If only it would make him vomit.
And with the possibility of dementias etc, his unregulated behaviour is terrifying.
I also see how he hid behind me from his mother, but used her to beat me up emotionally. So we can add coward to the list, because he refuses to grow up now, pretending he’s still a child powerless to tell her to go to hell. He’s ended contact with her, but has transferred her role (as it relates to me) to his therapist (mommy 2). Oh yeah, I’ll be counting the days to reunite with him!
His future with love—who knows. They are all such accomplished liars and manipulators. But over christmas his adult sons will learn he is SA, and I think it will be harder for him to bring someone into his life without telling her. But hey, there I go again, thinking like a responsible human being—which SA’s aren’t—well they are when it suits their purposes of manipulation.
All the things that make a home—he’s lost that too, and I know he wants it back. As if I can make a home with someone that can’t be trusted. And he tells me with such shock “it hurts that you don’t trust me”. Duh. It hurts than I can’t trust you either. But hey, it’s all about you all the time. Sorry I defocused off you you you. My bad.
One of the craziest piece of this experience is the notion that a spouse’s anger is just terrible and unhelpful. We aren’t supposed to be mad. We are supposed to be “helping” the addict–certainly not helping ourselves. If I ever did to him what he did to me over 30 years, his male anger would be justified. But women, we still don’t have permission to be angry. Because the SA’s and their treatment models and practitioners don’t see us as actual human beings with full moral agency—including the wiring to recognize injustice and offense and be angry about it.
Yes, they want to stay married. They have no home. no friends. no cover. no punching bag. no excuse. no cheap internet. no company to speak of. no human intimacy. But it’s all take and no give.
We have to decide what we deserve as human beings in a relationship with another human being. Make your list. Check it twice. Soon you will know who’s naughty and nice. Santa Clause may come to town, but if he’s an SA he doesn’t move in.
tough but true,
D.
Honest Wife,
We have all been there…do we keep this man that we still love or do we move on because it is what is best or what is right? How tight do we hold on to our vows to love through good times and bad? Sickness and health? I am glad you are getting counseling and I pray that he is too. You are not alone, and you are not the only one hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Protect yourself but everyone heals in different ways so find the way that works for you. I never believed in the saying “if it wasn’t meant to be…” I believe in trying as hard as you can to get what you feel is right and then if it fails then it truly wasn’t meant to be.
Aileen
Dear Honest Wife,
I understand your anger, your hurt, and your the sad image you have painted of your H. Nothing makes sense to us because the addict mindset is totally irrational – he lives in a duality and lies not only to you but to himself about his behavior. I hope you have found a good counselor who is familiar with the incredible pain this kind of betrayal puts you through and helps you discover the tools you need to heal and protect yourself and your values.
I have been through this with my aging spouse and his looking for approval and acceptance from young women along with internet porn, strip clubs, and plain old oggeling. I was totally blind-sided even though I knew there was an elephant in the room, I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I was married to Mr. Nice Guy. After D-Day, however, all the pieces started to fall into place even though the lying continued for over a year as he continued to try to deflect, mimimize, and blame shift his way through hours of counseling.
The good new, however, is that is learning to face himself finally, accept his responsibility, and is learning how to make amends – doesn’t come naturally at all to addicts. They simply don’t know how. They can learn just as they can learn to manage their emotions in healthy ways and live according to healthy values and boundaries. They can learn to do this if the motivation of heal and recover is truly there.
I wish you well in your own healing. It is a process unique to each woman who goes through this and is very hard work – the hardest challenge I have ever faced.
Jenny K.
You said that you have been through this with your aging spouse makes me wonder…what does happen to these guys when they’re 75/80 years old? My ex SA is 60 and I picture him, in a few years, as the Laugh-In character played by Arte Johnson – a trenchcoat-wearing dirty old man whose inclinations were always getting him in trouble. (You have to be of a certain vintage to remember this as this comedy aired in 1960/70!)
Chucking aside, I am so glad to hear of you and your husband’s success! I kind of thought that, having a near-death-experience and advancing years might help my SA “sober up” but so far, it hasn’t. I just can’t imagine a life of losing a great girlfriend like me plus coping with advancing age….but then that’s what addiction does.
Hats of to you and your husband for your motivation and hard work!
Dear An Honest Wife,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your prose, you used to write it, for me, was very touching. I could feel your heartache and your anger at the same time. I feel the same, its like pain and anger at the same time. Its almost, to me, they are mixed together and create a brand new emotion, one I have never felt before.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Hi again, Honest Wife,
You seem to have a fairly healthy attitude but I did think of Laugh In when I read your post. My H is 60 as well and I am 68 which made a bit more bitter pill to swallow when I discovered his preference for young women who were about 25 to 30 years younger and about our son’s age. But I have learned that he was one sick fellow and is still sorting things out. His addiction was only one part of the puzzle so in addition to recovery from that, he also is learning to monitor his passive agressive behavior and his being caught up in the Victim Triange.
I have learned to detach, take care of myself, honor and protect my values and pursue my own vision for my life. At this point, my H and I are letting go of the marriage/relationship we once had realizing that it was built on lies. Due to our age, we are working to re-invent our relationship – basiscally transform it into something we can both cleave to for the balance of our lives. Not what I had in mind a few years ago, but what I can handle now.
Hope your H realizes as he recognizes your healing independence, that he can change. It takes time for them to escape the chemical dependency that comes with sex addiction – brain chemistry works like any drug. Sad but true. It’s up to him, and I’m glad to see that your understand that and will focus on yourself leaving him up to him.
I like your attitude – keep it up.
Jenny K.
Thank you all for your kind words of support. Writing that story was cathartic for me because it allowed me to say that I see my husband as a fool. A sex addict yes, but nonetheless a fool of the first magnitude.
I get it.
May you continue in courage and compassion,
for your fool, yes,
but mostly for yourself right now.
May you find your voice to say who you are
and what you need
and what you want from this one life you are living.
Let someone else look after the fool for a while.
Remember for yourself how sweet a new day was,
before you traded its joy for fool’s gold.
Recover the greatness of your presence in the world,
the treasure of your gifts and your participation,
Renew your commitment to life by accepting its fullness in your own.
Then, if there is room and a way,
a fool might fit in, or he might not,
but you will have been a faithful steward of your life.
believing in your capacity for life and love,
D.
Very nicely written, Diane. I have come to learn that SAs are not so much fools as very immature and sad souls who have never developed the coping skills needed in life. They live in a bubble which they protect out of fear – but if they are brave enough to look at their dark side and really face themselves, they can grow up and learn to lead healthy lives. Takes hard work and total honesty and commitment. It’s even harder for we partners to heal. Learning to detach giving him total responsibility for his recovery, learning to separate the man from the addiction, learning to honor and protect our own values following our own life vision, and learning, to give ourselves the patience we need to get through all this – BIG JOB. You said it all very poetically. Thanks for that.
Jenny K.
Wow. I really hadn’t thought about it from this perspective. Thanks for sharing that. He is constantly asking me why I am not attracted to him. He is desperate for someone (me or anyone) to WANT him. The best I’ve been able to come up with is that his behavior is a turn-off. Maybe I can craft what you have conveyed into something he can understand…meh, probably not. But thanks for sharing that anyway.
Hi aleigh. I have learned that it is good to be heard and I use feeling statements to communicate to my H – especially the hard stuff. “I feel _____________ when you ______________.” Also, it is good to put your values in writing and come up with boundaries to protect your values. Give him a copy. For example, I value total honesty and when anyone is dishonest with me, the natural consequences of lying is my emotionally distancing myself from that person. On-going deceit can lead to my physically distancing myself from that person. I went on to define lying/deceit to include sugar coating, lying by omission, deflecttion, and blame-shifting. I also wrote that on-going honesty can correct the situation. I wrote out about 12 important values that I base my life on and defined each one and created boundaries that I was willing to enforce for each. I gave my H a copy. I find that this helps eliminate the drama from those times when he crosses my boundaries. I can refer to my list and refer him to it as well – leaves little wiggle room. I update my values and boundaries, too.
Hope this helps.
Jenny K.
Thanks Jenny K.
Yes, been there done that. He has been told over and over, with every incident how I much I dislike the lying, sneaking, all of it. They already know we don’t like it and won’t tolerate it, hence the need to sneak. They just don’t give a crap. That is the narcissist in them. I tried giving him a list of boundaries…it is irrelevant to him. I think it is mostly that they have to decide when and how they are going to grow up and gain some self control. I have made it clear time and again that some of the things that are OK on his own boundary list may not be OK ON MINE. So I guess therein lies one big problem….and unlikely to ever be resolved.
HI aleigh,
Your remarks are sort of why I wrote what I wrote.
At some point, when we have travelled far enough along this very difficult path, we need to offer the same effort to our own recovery that we offer to the SA. We may resist this, however, because we are afraid that the moment we do this, we will see that the SA doesn’t have the capacity to love us as we want and deserved to be loved. Sometimes it is a huge risk to love ourselves, respect ourselves, and honour ourselves. We will have to take responsibility for our lives, too, without reference to the SA and his story.
Our SA’s are remarkably predictable is so many ways, but from time to time, there is something different–a spark of life force that will enable that SA to be responsible to himself and to the people who love him. But it is hard to discover that our SA won’t be that SA, after investing years in recovery, therapy and with the support of loved ones. I’m truly sorry to find that your story seems to be going in that direction. Please don’t be hard on yourself for calling a spade a spade. You still have choices in life—they just aren’t the ones you thought would be yours. And it can be very upsetting to find ourselves at the crummy end of the stats.
There is a life to be lived that is yours. No one else can live it but you.
love,
D.
Well, I have news. My H who supposedly stopped masturbating cold turkey after doing it every day for most of his life has not really quit- surprise, huh? I must say that I am glad to once again have his lies exposed. He is not ready to admit that his problem is bad enough for therapy. My family know that I am ready to seperate but they do not know about the SA. They are very discouraging to me because they say I can’t make it on my own. But I know I have to get myself and my children away from this asshole!
Dear Honest Wife:
I truly appreciate your, well, honesty. I remember, back when I forst met my husband that there was something boyish and naive about him. In fact, I saw him as someone easily taken advantage of. And because of your story, I realize, that these qualities about him were ones that I found strangely attractive-then. I am a very honest, loyal and advocating person. I thought, “He needs someone like me because he’s so sweet and I would never take advantage of him.”
Ironically, I was the one taken advantage of. Frighteningly, it reminds me of the serial killer Ted Bundy who was so charming, educated, and boyish. Bundy selected his victims by the way they tilted their heads. Sheesh! Now, I wasn’t physically murdered, but my psyche was terribly battered in this relationship and my husband eventually became very threatening so that I had to get a restraining order against the man whom used to seem so charming, boyish and naive. Very strange.
So, am I the fool? Perhaps, not. No more than a gazelle is a fool for a lion. I was preyed upon. And therein lay much of my trauma. I had been the gazelle drinking at the pond next to a lion in a gazelle suit. (Wolf in sheep’s clothing.)
Thank you for your insights. Your story is very thought provoking. I know God can do for me what I cannot do for myself if I will only get the heck out of the way and open my eyes, observe.
Truly it is a deep soul sickness to have such obsessions. Truly, I have ignored the lion’s behavior in favor of noticing only his clothing (words).
Honest Wife – Thank you so much for your story – you write beautifully and offer yet another way to think about this as we struggle to make some sense of this crazy-making, devastating addiction.
Fatchance – Your description of your SA in the early days describes my experience so well. My SA’s persona was/is that of a boyish, “aw shucks”, bumbling, sweet guy that was appealing to me, as well. When he told me that his therapist described him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, it seemed so counterintuitive to me and I was so busy being a gazelle that I just couldn’t see that that would be possible. It is still hard for me to reconcile what he convinced me that he was and what he really is. It feels like someone said – well we have discovered the the world actually is flat after all – and everything that you thought was true about the earth isn’t really true. Huh?
As time went on, I saw the narcicissm and histrionic parts of his personality but he was never was rough with me. I don’t know if that would have come later if I had stayed with him.
Thanks, Honest Wife, for your thought-provoking story and thanks everyone for your posts – what would I do without you?
Honest Wife, thank you for your touching story. They bring up so many different emotions in us: pity at knowing how much like pathetic children they really are, anger at their betrayal and manipulation, the confusion of trying to understand the way they think. The best and worst parts of us are brought out because of their sickness. I wish you strength.
When I stopped taking it personally I had to say, “Well, that’s just the best that he can do.” Whether or not that’s good enough for us is another matter, and whether or not time will change them … I guess some yes and some no. The SA I was involved with was 35 and still behaving like a teenager, and I believe he had an underlying narcissistic/histrionic/anti-social personality disorder so it was going to be a big ask. Fatchance, your words describe my situation exactly too. In fact, he was like a spoiled little girl most of the time. I wasn’t the only person to describe him that way. He used his little boy looks and charm to good effect to prey on others, in my opinion.
Carrie, I always wondered if there was the chance of physical abuse as well as emotional. Once he punched me in the arm, something I’ve never experienced from another man, and the sex was also rather threatening at times, and at the end he said, “You thought I was an evil little c*** didn’t you?” I said that yes, I did. He said, “I should have knocked some sense into you at the beginning.” *sigh*
Ladies, again thank you so much for your words of encouragement! It was only after you shared your thoughts that I came to understand what it means to fight for my own recovery. Learning of his addiction has impacted my thinking. Before discovery I was not given to frequent negative, nonproductive thought, however I have allowed this journey, this circumstance, to infect me with the disease of negative thinking. Your words of encouragement have awakened me to my fight, the demons I have to battle to save me. I have a daily fight for the right to control my own thoughts, because my thoughts will dictate my actions and my actions will determine my health and happiness. I have to wake up each day committed to guarding and renewing my positive mind.
I have not achieved it, but I am working on forgetting what lies behind and reaching for those things ahead of me. My future is GREAT!!!!!! My future is BRIGHT, so bright that I need my own pair of Maui Jim’s (lol) !!!. My future is going to unfold beautifully and wonderfully, just as it is supposed to!!!
Thank you ladies, I love you all!!
Way to go sister! Spend all your energy on yourself-you sound great!!!!!!!!
Wow,
It’s been a while since I have checked in with this site and your story Honest Wife is just that – HONEST! For all the years I have been married to my sex addict husband, I had not thought of his sexual misconduct in that way. Thanks for the insite.
Hi An Honest Wife:
Thanks for your example! It is really difficult to stop the cirles of negative thought when they get started. It’s a relief to know I am not alone. My husband’s SA has really affected the whole family with the constant drama. I am glad he is out of the house since it is much more peaceful now.
Yesterday, I started on a positive note, but then I noticed that my thinking took a downward spiral. I recognize that EACH time I have to interact with him via text about the children that my thinking about myself is affected negatively. It really doesn’t matter whether my husband is being charming or nasty; the effects on me are similar. It must be because I don’t trust him and when he’s kind, he has “an angle” and I am waiting to see what it is. Dealing with him is exhausting-even just text!
Yesterday, sure enough, my husband started out charming and then “BAM” the next text is nast and full of vitriol. At least I can turn the phone off now. It shows me that my husband is most likely still acting out since he is so emotionally/verbally volitile.
The whole situation is exhausting. The thing that really makes me the most frustrated is how it affects our children and how much they miss him. But it’s better that he’s gone and the fighting is over (at least in front of the kids). He has the power to confront this and he’s taking the stance of blaming me. It will get us nowhere.
I am glad for everyone’s posts and reminders to stay good and true to myself.
Hi An Honest Wife,
Just a note to say “Hello” and let you know Im thinking of you. I, like you, want to focus on my recovery. We dont want to be ‘a tail on a kite’ anymore.
Wishing you all the best in life!
When dealing with SA, for me, the first rule is to protect and heal me, – no question about it – bit it took me a while to figure that out. My only job is to heal myself. One of the steps in doing that was putting down on paper my vision for myself and and to refer often to that as my roadmap. Another step was my recognizing my triggers and understanding that those triggers are basically neutral. It’s my reaction that can make them a negative experience. Learning to value my state of mind rather than sacrificing myself to his addiction was key – even if it was an email trigger and my reaction was not visible to my H. It took me a while to reach this point, but once I turned the corner, I felt such a relief. I put together an arsenal of mantras, songs, sayings to recite whenever I felt that tug toward negativity – when rumination starts to set it. Gaining an understanding of how addiction behaves became a working tool for me in releasing me from thinking I could manage his recovery or point him in the right direction or be a super snooper to expose him for the liar he was, and, most important, my understanding his addiction made it easier for me to actively focus on my own recovery – ON ME. That in itself was a wake-up call for my H. I was moving on without him. He had to catch up or be left behind. Fortunatelly, he didn’t want to be left behind.
When there were major value conflicts and my H didn’t accept my boundaries and there was no productive communication, I had to make some tough decisions. I had to determine my bottom line and plan for that step. Not an easy thing to do. My H also has other behaviorial issues that may still exist after recovery. I have to decide what I can live with and what I can’t. He is working hard on changing these patterns and I recognize that – however, I am not willing to settle for less than my own vision and values that I have for my life. It has taken me 28 months to get to this point. Worth every minute to get here.
What made the difference for me and my H was participating in the self-led workshops on Recovery Nation along with counseling for each of us separately. I found the site quite accidentally but have found it to be a lifesaver for me. Currently, the site is experiencing techinical problems so is not available but the bug should be worked out – I have faith.
I wish you all well in your personal journeys. I know of nothing harder than healing from this kind of betrayal. I am glad that you give each other support, love, and care.
Jenny K.
Jenny, I noticed Recoverynation is linked to this website and so I checked it out. I am thinking about taking some time to work the exercises for myself. I’m glad you found them worthwhile. It makes me more enthusiastic about spending time on the lessons.
I hope things continue to unfold well for you!
It is an amazing program. The coaches, mentors, and community forum give you such wisdom, support and loving care. I can’t say enough. It is self led which means what you put in is what you get out.
I wish you well.
Jenny K.
Diane,
I just had to respond to your comment to HW’s story…I read it last night – catching up on a couple of story’s I’d missed during the holiday season. The truth to your comment stayed with me all night as well as now, this morning. I felt so moved by what you said and said to your SA…I haven’t said that to mine yet…the part about his ruining your golden years…the old shriveled up penis, the dirty old man, plain and simply put. You painted a true picture and right down to the comment your SA made about his disappointment over your not trusting him and his “hurt” as a result. I just got that same comment AGAIN for the I don’t know how many times…day before yesterday. My SA is now running around saying he’s off to “heal” for the day…which infuriates me! heal my ass….I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s now made himself a “victim” of his own sick perverted self…
Right down to the Mother issues, I feel you wrote “my” story…my SA’s mother died a few years ago, but her precious baby (only child) did no wrong…EVER…and the last years of her life she treated me and my children like shit. She would be if not currently rolling in her grave as would his deceased father too over what life he was really living the past 50 years. Even as I write this, his spoiled rotten kids and exwife I have still felt he was married two this past decade with me, haven’t a clue what he’s all about. He’s scared “shittless” as he puts it just the other day, to tell them the truth..he wants his son and daughter to think he continues to walk on water and God forbid his over protective ex wife would get wind that the father of her two children is a pervert and stalks girls the age of their daughter. For a decade he’s run me into the ground with them as well as his now dead parents. They all think I’m the sick twisted evil one…Sound vindictive as it may…my day of vindication will be the day they ALL find out who he really is…because as far as I’m concerned they are all worthy of each other………He commented earlier this week that he can’t just “drop the bomb” on them and my response was, why not? The bomb got dropped on me! it got dropped on MY kids…The bomb got dropped on those who loved and respected him the most…his ex and own children don’t and haven’t given him the time of day since I’ve known him, but he needs to handle them with kid gloves..PUKE and PUKE more…He doesn’t stop wanting me and our life back, but I feel he’s secretly hoping I’ll find grace for him and not make him tell them the truth about his disgusting self…….NOT
Thanks for saying it like it is. You always have a way here of so eloquently putting things the way they should be put.
Thanks for being a part of this though I am sad that anyone has to go through and live the life we all have ended up having to “wade” through.
Honest – What you wrote is priceless….I think we would all print this out and hang it on our bathroom mirror…AFTER giving our SA’s a copy. I think you said what many of us really want to say to our sleezy SA’s but can’t for various personal reasons. But you too wrote words that I want so to put before the jerk I gave 10 years of my life to. Best to you in your day to day interactions with your piece of crap. I really did give serious serious thought to copying and pasting both your story and Diane’s first comments in an email to my SA with FYI at the top…and who knows, maybe I still will.
Blessings,
Formerly “Mary”
now Phyllis
Diane – I LOVE YOUR POST – sorry to shout, but it is soooo true – me me me me me me!!
Ladies, protect yourselves… take God’s angels armour and hide beneath the safety of their wings X God bless you all x
Here here! My soul echoes to the drip of your vitriolic words! Yes, now that reality bites, he wants to come home with his tail between his legs. Mangled, beaten, withered, warped by years of masturbation and the fat of self abuse. Now he has to figure out how to placate someone he spent years demonizing in order to justify abusing them behind their back, because that might be the only person left who will have them. If they can lie better. If they can hide themselves behind the mask of ‘recovery’ now that the truth has been revealed. Second best, we are, but he can’t do better, so he’ll settle, now that the fantasy is as broken as he is.
Yes, if three hundred strippers did not want you, why the hell should I? He is seriously damaged, inside and out. He was the stupid one. He was the idiot and the jerk and the abuser. I acted in good faith. He gave nothing. He gets nothing. Garbage in, garbage out. SUCKA!
I feel a little better today. Thanks! Some days compassion for the damage he suffered that created his malfunction, and some days my inner truth will out.
Ok, I simply couldn’t leave this one alone. This is my deepest, most personal quandry. If 300 strippers didn’t want him, why am I trying to open my compassion to him? If he was willing to lose me in order to chase his lustful dreams, why am I making efforts to accept this level of abuse? Do I really hate myself so much, is my self esteem so terribly low, do I really think I can’t do any better, that I will take back a man who put me through this level of hell, and is so worthless that sex workers only seem him as just another Mark? Have I really been conditioned to believe that all men are like this and I have to accept this? Do I really think that I can’t do better than someone this foul, this filthy, this immature and selfish? Am I so twisted by Beauty and the Beast, Despicable Me, and the Disney-like fantasy that tells little girls to love selfish, twisted men enough and they will become your handsome prince, but only if you are a good, perfect, loving, giving little girl? Ew! Ew Ew Ew! I am expected to be the grown up, the loving, the compassionate, the bigger person, while he sneaks and giggles and pities himself that big bad witch wife just doesn’t understand him?
I am so enjoying this new mental take. Rejected by 300 strippers. So sad. What a loser. Yet, why would I want a loser??? Haven’t I lost enough already? Is it my ego, too afraid that if he doesn’t change, than I really am the loser after all? I mean, I married the boyman! What does that say about me? If I married a sexaholic gullible enough to spend his fortunes on women who find him contemptable, how gullible was I?
I find myself chuckling, in a sad, painful, ironic fashion. Yet, somehow, he wasn’t damaged enough for the strippers and prostitutes to find him interesting, as well. They, too, are damaged, abused, hate themselves and the men who use them. He’s an amateur when it comes to abuse.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences to us..me too my husband is a sex addict even though he is turning 60 years old this April..oh how he loves to communicate and have sex to younger women and all the lies came out from his mouth if i caught him.My friends and relatives called me a MARTYR WIFE..but inspite of that i still wanted to be with him..so many hurts I experienced but it does not matter to him. He still lives a normal life and as if nothing happens..what will I do..do I deserve to be with him always until the end of our lives??help me