This heartbreaking story of an 18 year relationship with a Sex Addict was sent to me yesterday. The unraveling of a secret life is tantamount to 18 years of torture and abuse.
Hi there JoAnn & Ladies
I have this morning Googled quite a lot of Websites/Blogs and forums etc just to confirm my beliefs of my 18yr relationship with my boyfriend. We met in our early 30’s and we both had very good jobs earning quite a lot of money. After 4yrs, a bolt out of the blue happened and I found out he was having an affair which I asked for the woman to come around to our house “to get things sorted”, and to both our dismay, he had been lying to both of us!!
After 3 weeks separation, talks, crying and telling each other how much we loved each other, we decided to get back together. That was my first mistake!! That’s when the lying really started and my personal thoughts of him starting to work away 2-4 days per week, were simply a get out for him to do as he pleased. He was always very loving during these years, our sex life has always been “healthy”.
During the next 8yrs, suspicions raised their ugly head on several occasions, but I had no proof, then 4yrs ago, I checked out his bank statements and there it all was in black and white. He had not only been visiting lap dancing clubs, but spending £250 on each visit, sometimes once a month, and 2-3 times, here and there. I also found Cash Machine withdrawals at the same ATM in the same area, and within minutes I found a pattern. It was as simple as Googling for Escorts in that area and my luck was in (or was it!) there was only one escort in that area, and she “fit” the bill.
Now to explain this, I have kept myself looking good between a size 8-10 (UK size and 5’ 7”), kept myself fit, kept a beautiful home etc, only to learn several years down the line of him constantly saying “I’d love you to be 6stone, it would really turn me on” that I realized, it was her he was talking about, tiny petite (5’), and 6.5 stones. I collated ALL the evidence, even contacting her as a “punter” to let her know several text messages down the line that she had been seeing my “husband” of 14yrs, described his car and she apologized (I didn’t have the heart to argue, she was doing a job, and it was HIS fault). With all this information, I confronted him, he didn’t deny it, he didn’t apologize and of course, it was ALL my fault and he didn’t known why he did it but he was disgusted with himself (only because he’d been found out by the way!). We talked, we listened, we cried and of course we continued and he asked me to marry him several times.
By now, I more than knew the signs only too well, NOT because we lacked in our sex lives, but he becomes extra attentive, constantly buying me things and booking expensive holidays, but in May 2012, I did the usual snooping around on his laptop and came across several Asian websites he had joined and was sending messages, photo’s (even of his 2 sons), telling young girls (early 20’s) how beautiful he thought they were, what gorgeous bodies they had and were of course marriage material and he couldn’t wait to see them (obviously he informed these girls that he was only interested in them and nobody else, and a couple of them I found conversations on Messenger, but 1 in particular he was even sending money)!! I just flipped!! It wasn’t the fact that he had lied to me AGAIN, or the fact the lies he was telling them (that he had thrown his ugly “wife” out because she was horrible and didn’t look after him properly and spent all of his money)!! Needless to say, the chats happened, the crying, the “I love you more than anything” was said so I told him ONE last chance.
A few months ago, again I had suspicions, I kept my eyes wide open and ears close to the ground and Bingo!!! There it was, on his laptop, a Thai Love Website, Vietnamese Cupid Website, lots of messages of the above proverbial with photo’s, and I have a 4 page file containing a conversation with a Vietnamese girl on Skype which has almost got to Cyber Sex stage (they took their clothes off but she wouldn’t do anything else), he pleaded and pleaded during the conversation but she wouldn’t. He has called her 4 times since but she hasn’t responded.
He is also a member of Adultwork. He has spent £120 over 6 months viewing galleries, private galleries, films etc whilst away AND whilst at home. Last Friday (23rd), I noticed on his statement that he had watched the same 5min porn film of a Bi-sexual Couple and he sent them a request to go around that day (they live miles away!) but he didn’t cancel or turn up so he now has a neutral comment against him.
I love the guy I thought I was with, but I no longer recognise him. My personal thoughts are that he thinks because we have a beautiful house, lovely cars, have 2-3 fab holidays a year, that this entitles him to do as he pleases (is it possible in his own mind, he is “rewarding” me?). I can see for myself, it’s getting more and more seedy and daring. He definitely has a problem, but he wouldn’t admit it. I can’t understand how an intelligent man (or so I thought) would get so caught up in all of this mess. His family knows all but for this episode, and I know they are disgusted, but he’s such a nice man to them all, I don’t think they see it or believe it at all.
Thanks for listening. My heart goes out to all of you, and I’m certainly not looking forward to the “confrontation” tonight, we are supposed to be on holiday next week and have a 3 week cruise booked in November, but I can’t bear the thought of even looking at him.
What sad sotry. why allways this person which are closer, always break our heart. They should be the one and they are no one..
I’m so sorry… I’ve been trough the same bs already 5 years( in and out). I think that I deserve to be happy, so I decided to move on with my life. Best of luck……..
It is very difficult to stay committed to a person who cannot guarantee the same. It’s a terrible feeling but it’s better to get your heart broken at a point when you can still rebuild your individuality.
Thank you for the story. I am in so much pain and I can relate. I just the other day after finding out and talking about it over and over again. I just can’t be involved in this. When a person has a horrible addiction and to me this one of the worst if not the worst killer of any relationship. It’s not my addiction and although I have been affected by it I can walk away. But I do know I have to work on some healing for myself. I wish you the best.
It’s been a heartbreaking 4 days since I left my SA. I always enjoyed his company it was when I wasn’t there that he acted out. There have been moments when I felt maybe I would be ok with his nasty habit as long as he was still in my life but then I realized that was just a weakness in me to accept less than I deserve. I forget my own self worth at times and realize that I deserve better than to be lied to and have my life put in danger due to his secret life. I have only found the courage to leave him after hearing stories of women on here who said that they wasted years of their lives on a man who wouldn’t change. I was hoping that my SA would be in the 5% capable of change but he never once was the one that came to me or admitted anything. Only when I had him backed up to the wall with undeniable proof would he even admit to any wrong doing. Since then I’ve discovered he’s done it all sex chats, massage parlors, strip clubs, prostitutes, dating sites, sex hook up sites, craigslist, enumerable porn sites, sex tours, mail order brides, sugar daddy sites, the list is endless.
Sounds like you’ve got an excellent life materially, holidays and he’s not that problematic to get in with if you don’t notice his straying. If his spending on his whores isn’t leaving you short and you’d nolonger have the level of lifestyle without him, you’d be wise to accept the trollop he is, remain and enjoy the fruits of his income, even companionship as a friend, make the focus of holidays on what you can enjoy, cultivate your own friends, possibly lovers etc.,until you have if you do ever by chance hot something better to move on with. Let go of the pain of being betrayed or expecting more now that you know he’s an emotionally imature skank. At least he’s a good provider, hols included. Make the best out of the worst of it.
If financially you can equal that or are are some one who is young enough, have no kids and can make a new start with another better chap, just go ASAP and score him up to a an unpleasant lesson done with.
You can do better. Learn from it, and leave. I am the young widow of a sex addict. He taught Jr. High, and always referred to the 12 year olds as “women”. Though he was the love of my life, and there was amazing chemistry, Incame to see that he was too sick to have a real relationship. His death at an early age from a brain tumor was tragic, but it are me my life back, and now, many years later, I am married to a wonderful man who doesn’t even have an interest in porn, and leaves his phone and iPad open all the time, as he’s hiding nothing. You sound wonderful. Learn from this, move forward, and find the strength to stand up and ask for what you truly deserve.