Hi there JoAnn & Ladies
I have this morning Googled quite a lot of Websites/Blogs and forums etc just to confirm my beliefs of my 18yr relationship with my boyfriend. We met in our early 30’s and we both had very good jobs earning quite a lot of money. After 4yrs, a bolt out of the blue happened and I found out he was having an affair which I asked for the woman to come around to our house “to get things sorted”, and to both our dismay, he had been lying to both of us!!
After 3 weeks separation, talks, crying and telling each other how much we loved each other, we decided to get back together. That was my first mistake!! That’s when the lying really started and my personal thoughts of him starting to work away 2-4 days per week, were simply a get out for him to do as he pleased. He was always very loving during these years, our sex life has always been “healthy”.
During the next 8yrs, suspicions raised their ugly head on several occasions, but I had no proof, then 4yrs ago, I checked out his bank statements and there it all was in black and white. He had not only been visiting lap dancing clubs, but spending £250 on each visit, sometimes once a month, and 2-3 times, here and there. I also found Cash Machine withdrawals at the same ATM in the same area, and within minutes I found a pattern. It was as simple as Googling for Escorts in that area and my luck was in (or was it!) there was only one escort in that area, and she “fit” the bill.
Now to explain this, I have kept myself looking good between a size 8-10 (UK size and 5’ 7”), kept myself fit, kept a beautiful home etc, only to learn several years down the line of him constantly saying “I’d love you to be 6stone, it would really turn me on” that I realized, it was her he was talking about, tiny petite (5’), and 6.5 stones. I collated ALL the evidence, even contacting her as a “punter” to let her know several text messages down the line that she had been seeing my “husband” of 14yrs, described his car and she apologized (I didn’t have the heart to argue, she was doing a job, and it was HIS fault). With all this information, I confronted him, he didn’t deny it, he didn’t apologize and of course, it was ALL my fault and he didn’t known why he did it but he was disgusted with himself (only because he’d been found out by the way!). We talked, we listened, we cried and of course we continued and he asked me to marry him several times.
By now, I more than knew the signs only too well, NOT because we lacked in our sex lives, but he becomes extra attentive, constantly buying me things and booking expensive holidays, but in May 2012, I did the usual snooping around on his laptop and came across several Asian websites he had joined and was sending messages, photo’s (even of his 2 sons), telling young girls (early 20’s) how beautiful he thought they were, what gorgeous bodies they had and were of course marriage material and he couldn’t wait to see them (obviously he informed these girls that he was only interested in them and nobody else, and a couple of them I found conversations on Messenger, but 1 in particular he was even sending money)!! I just flipped!! It wasn’t the fact that he had lied to me AGAIN, or the fact the lies he was telling them (that he had thrown his ugly “wife” out because she was horrible and didn’t look after him properly and spent all of his money)!! Needless to say, the chats happened, the crying, the “I love you more than anything” was said so I told him ONE last chance.
A few months ago, again I had suspicions, I kept my eyes wide open and ears close to the ground and Bingo!!! There it was, on his laptop, a Thai Love Website, Vietnamese Cupid Website, lots of messages of the above proverbial with photo’s, and I have a 4 page file containing a conversation with a Vietnamese girl on Skype which has almost got to Cyber Sex stage (they took their clothes off but she wouldn’t do anything else), he pleaded and pleaded during the conversation but she wouldn’t. He has called her 4 times since but she hasn’t responded.
He is also a member of Adultwork. He has spent £120 over 6 months viewing galleries, private galleries, films etc whilst away AND whilst at home. Last Friday (23rd), I noticed on his statement that he had watched the same 5min porn film of a Bi-sexual Couple and he sent them a request to go around that day (they live miles away!) but he didn’t cancel or turn up so he now has a neutral comment against him.
I love the guy I thought I was with, but I no longer recognise him. My personal thoughts are that he thinks because we have a beautiful house, lovely cars, have 2-3 fab holidays a year, that this entitles him to do as he pleases (is it possible in his own mind, he is “rewarding” me?). I can see for myself, it’s getting more and more seedy and daring. He definitely has a problem, but he wouldn’t admit it. I can’t understand how an intelligent man (or so I thought) would get so caught up in all of this mess. His family knows all but for this episode, and I know they are disgusted, but he’s such a nice man to them all, I don’t think they see it or believe it at all.
Thanks for listening. My heart goes out to all of you, and I’m certainly not looking forward to the “confrontation” tonight, we are supposed to be on holiday next week and have a 3 week cruise booked in November, but I can’t bear the thought of even looking at him.