Dear JoAnn,
Shouldn’t I be in my 30’s or 40’s when this happens???
I got married at 19. I’m only 21. I’m young and sexy and EVERY guy looks at me, but he doesn’t even notice because he’s too busy looking at other girls.
I married him because of how good he was. I was the first girl he had ever dated. He was romantic and he always told me he loved me. He wanted to touch me. He was perfect.
I started to randomly have nightmares for about six months now. I would see in my dreams him picking other girls over me. In other dreams someone would come into my house that I knew and loved. I would invite them to chat with me. Once they got close enough, they turned into a stranger and would try to hurt me. I guess my subconscious mind knew.
Three months ago he accidentally left porn up on his computer. This was the FIRST time I knew he even LOOKED at porn. Every time I even joked about guys looking at porn he would get angry and swear not every guy was like that. I cried and he promised it didn’t happen often and he was very sorry. Of course, it was the first time. I’m not going to label every guy who looks at porn a sex addict.
But it got me to look back on his behavior. We used to be intimate every day. But he had started telling me I was sleepy and tucking me in ever so sweetly…earlier and earlier. And he didn’t want to be intimate anymore. The more I thought about it, the more I started to watch him and the more I began to realize I had every guys attention BUT his.
I was working from home, making money for us…my back turned to the television. When I turned towards the TV he was watching something inappropriate. I watched out of the corner of my eye to see if he would change it and he didn’t. I turned towards him and he instantly changed it pretending to be switching channels. My heart sunk. I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt.
That’s when he admitted to me he was addicted to pornography. He was addicted SO much that he would choose it over me. He had been choosing it over me. He had been saying he was “too tired”…he was even too tired for even cuddling! and because HE was too tried I needed to go to sleep. I know some people wonder if porn is really a “sex addiction”, but I know without a doubt it is. I know without a doubt he was unfaithful to me by choosing to spend time with them instead of me. He told me it started in 5th grade and escalated from there. He wrote a list about how far it went. How it took up almost his entire hard drive space. He said he would change.
Of course, I wanted to know where I went wrong. I found out what type he likes to look at. It was me! Girls who look almost exactly like me. I am VERY young looking for my age, which put his viewing habits at illegal. But why NOT me??? I AM legal! It just makes no sense at all! But it forced me to accept it wasn’t me. I HATE accepting that it’s not me because if it was me I feel like I could do something about it, but I can’t.
He was getting help by emailing someone he knew who struggled with the same thing. He also had me put a program on his computer that would block that sort of stuff. He promised that whatever happened, he wouldn’t lie to me. Finally, I told him I wanted him to see a counselor. He set up on appointment. After that appointment, he didn’t set up another one. He thought he was done. A week later (last week), he realized he still had internet without protection on his iPod. I didn’t know this, but my nightmares came back. I’ve learned to trust them, so I thought about it and it hit me: the iPod! I asked him…he said he had NEVER looked at porn on his iPod before. I remember once seeing an application on it that had girls on it. They weren’t nude, but I thought it was weird. I googled the application name, and found out if i had shook the ipod with the application open, it would be porn. He lied. I asked him days later because the nightmares weren’t going away. I asked him three times in a row this time, each time he lied. Finally asked him one more time…thinking I had gone crazy (yeah I knew, but the excuses just come to your head). He told the truth. I asked him why he lied, and after saying he didn’t know a couple of times, he finally told me it was because he was STILL using it and wasn’t ready for me to ‘check’…I’ve never checked his computer EVER or anything of his so I don’t know what he was talking about. He had me put a program to block the internet on that to.
He wants everything to be better. But how can it be when he lied? How do I know he won’t lie again? He finally set up continuous appointments with the counselor. It hasn’t been that much time, so he’s only been to one. But how do I know he won’t just lie to the counselor? I don’t know!
There is no COSA meetings or anything of that sort where I am currently living. I know no one who is going through this. I tried talking to my sister, but she knows what a nice guy my husband can be,so she keeps telling me to give him another chance. How many more chances am I supposed to give him???
Heartbroke,
No more chances. Leave. You don’t need this, no woman needs this, but a woman who is young and beautiful with her whole life ahead of her would be a FOOL to stay and try to put this marriage together. The truth is, he has more issues than you can possibly fathom right now. Undoubtedly, this addiction stems from childhood. It will take years and thousands in therapy to unravel the mystery. During that time you will be married to a 12 year old who will never be able to meet you at an adult emotional level. Something about exposure to porn halts their emotional development. You can never have a truly adult relationship with a 12 year old. If you should have children with this man-child, you will have to raise them by yourself. You will always have to be completely self-sufficient as you will never be able to count on him to be anything other than a dick on two legs. Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to know the truth about what lies ahead of you. Please divorce him and find a nice young man who can be a real husband to you and a real father to his children.
Dear Heartbroke,
You came to the right place to share your story. I am so sorry for your pain–I know it all too well, as do most of the ladies who read and post on this site. The one thing I can say to you, is (if at all possible) be GLAD you didn’t find this in your 30’s and 40’s. The thing is, for most sex addicts (from what I understand), the problem starts very early. I didn’t really catch it and/or understand the extent of it until about two years ago, and I am in my forties. So now I am dealing with the lies and heartbreak of a double life. I also have 2 teenagers at home. So it’s not that your husband started this any earlier than others; it’s just that you were “lucky” enough to find out about it sooner.
My advice, as difficult as this sounds, would be to leave. You are still so young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I have done so much reading and researching in the past few months, and I know that there is a very long road ahead of me, should I choose to stay, with no predictable outcome. If I were in your shoes, I would get out as fast as I could. Believe me, I’m not saying it’s easy. It will be difficult and painful. But the alternative seems so much worse. That’s a hard pill to swallow, I know.
I wish you all the best, and I am cheering you on. It’s hard to share one’s story, and that’s a big step. Hugs to you!!
Hi Heartbroke
I also found out about by husband’s sex addiction fairly early into my marriage. I know your world is falling apart right now, but the one good thing (as the other ladies have said) is that at least you’ve found out early into it; when you don’t have decades of your life invested in him or children together.
You asked: “How do I know he won’t lie again?” In my opinion, he has lied to you before (repeatedly), and chances are, he will lie to you again. He wants you to believe that he is recovering (with the computer-monitoring software), but, as with the iPod, he will just find other ways of doing what he does.
I’m glad that you’ve realised that there is nothing you can do to change him. I was naive enough to try all sorts of things and almost went for plastic surgery to make myself more attractive – how sad is that? (And I’m really not that bad looking.)
Like the others, my advice to you would be to leave the relationship. But while you are still in it and working through things, just be weary of him – don’t take any blame which he will probably throw at you, don’t trust him blindly and try to maintain your sense of self-worth.
Your sister will probably never understand what you’re going through, but if she is a good friend, I’m sure she will be able to cheer you up when you need it. Try to find a good therapist for yourself – one who has some knowledge of sex addiction. If you can’t talk to family and friends, you should be able to talk openly with a therapist. I also don’t have any support groups where I live, but this site and it’s sister site (S.O.S.) has really helped me through this. So stay in touch.
Much love,
Laya
I should have added that I found out about my “husband’s” sex addiction 23 years into my marriage. I wasted my life trying to make the lie work. I raised my children alone, without any moral support. I have no partner in life. I have a “man” who stands next to me who impersonates a “husband” but he is 12, tops. He reasons like a 12 year old. He converses like a 12 year old. He cannot fathom what it is to be an adult.
Thank your lucky stars that you found this so early in your marriage. Count your blessings. Be thankful that you didn’t invest decades of your life, the best decades of your life in a relationship that will never be anything close to a real marriage. LEAVE. RUN. Never look back.
Like Betty I was 23 years into my marriage when I discovered my husband was a sex addict. I imagine that had I found out within the first few years of my marriage, I would have left him. But I am not sure. I love my husband and am quite fond of him. We get along well, but because he had become distant as his addiction grew, I had decided that when my youngest left for college, I would divorce him. Active sex addicts make horrible, emotional partners.
Fortunately, if I can use that word, my husband sank to such depths that he was greatly ashamed of himself and his acting out. He spiraled down to a point that he recognized and admitted he had gone too far and that the disease had eroded his morals, his values, and his self esteem. His addiction was so bad, he had no room to lie to himself about what he had become. And so, he started working on himself.
As he got his acting out under control and learned more about the emotional damage he suffered, he began to believe he had his addiction under control and no longer needed therapy, or a 12 step group. He began to show signs of the immaturity that underlies his disease. I simply told him, he was free to make decisions regarding his own health and I would likewise make decisions regarding my health and safety. As he complained about being tired of being analyzed and how continuing in therapy would interfere with his advancement at work, I reminded him of the great sacrifice I had made to stay in the relationship as he worked to gain control of his disease and reiterated my intention to leave if he did not acknowledge that the therapists know better how to treat the disease than the host of the disease knows.
I say that long story to say this, before deciding what to do, it might be helpful to understand if he acknowledges how sick he is and whether he is so disgusted with himself that he does not want to be the man he has been. If he doesn’t KNOW that he is sick and COMMIT to getting well, there really isn’t anything you can do for him. You can’t help him, you can only help yourself by getting out of the marriage. And, I say that regretfully.
Even is he chooses to get help, you have to realize that he will want to do it “his way” and his behavior will resemble that of a toddler not getting his way or a teenager fighting to establish his independence. Now if you want to spend the next 3 years of your life trying to get him to go see the doctor and take his medicine. It might be worth a try. but I can guarantee you he does not have the emotional maturity that you would like to see. My 54 year old husband actually sounds like a boy, where his addiction is concerned. And the sad thing is these guys have never experienced emotional maturity and have no idea how adults feel, behave, and connect. They have never, ever approached adult maturity.
Dear Heartbroke….I have been married to a SA for 35yrs..found out 10rs into the marriage..always thought things could change,it would get better,the good times were good so i can deal..now here I am 63 and trying to figure how I can get out on a fixed income and really not wanting to leave the house I have been in for 30yrs..I thought my husband was the love of my life..the knight on the white horse but he was my betrayer..the one whole almost broke my spirit …you are young and strong with everything to live for…run,run like the wind,don’t look back..you should be grateful you found out this soon into the relationship..that was a blessing in disguise even though it is painful for you and doesn’t seem like it now..I agree with all that the others have written as well…Stay strong for You….Jaded
I’m thinking it might be helpful to describe for Heartbroke some of the ways that blaming materializes. I find my husband does it so subtlely that it would slip by unsuspecting ears. Blaming doesn’t always come out in the form of “its your fault I do this” it can sound more like
“I feel good about myself , then you bring this up.”
” It’s just difficult to talk to you.”
“You’re always looking for a way to criticize”
‘I”m doing the best I can, why can’t you accept that”
“You don’t understand how hard this is for me”
“If you would just stop analyzing me.”
Just pay attention to his attempts to somehow make you a part of his addiction or an influence on his acting out or his approach to recovery.
There is NOTHING you could have done to keep him away from his addiction. That addiction is HIS and HIS alone.
Blame the victim is a classic modus operandi for the addict. When I confronted my “husband” with what I’d found, he blamed me for his need to do this.
Throughout our marriage, I’d always tried to be the Proverbs 31 wife. But I was never good enough. The instant I said “I DO,” “love, honor and cherish” became “Ignore, belittle and tolerate.” There is a sick, twisted, demented thought process that they employ that involves magnifying real faults that exist in the wife, or making up faults in the wife and dwelling on them so as to justify the behavior. The are very good at the blame game. This results in an almost constant state of sneering. My husband sneered at me so much, that when I found the porn, I immediately knew why he had been sneering at me. I wish I could adequately convey what it is like to try to live with someone who is constantly finding fault with every bloomin’ thing you do. It’s hell on earth.
I decided early in my marriage to stay for the sake of the children and ignore the sonofabitch.
Leave. Never look back. Count your blessings that you found this so early in your marriage.
Heartbroke (you’ve certainly chosen a name that we can all resonate with) – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is painful and confusing. I hear your incredulous cries of “WHY??” in your story, and this gets to the heart of the pain of being in a relationship with a sex addict versus other types of addicts. Alcoholism might drive a partner crazy, or even drive them to leave, but we know we can’t be a bottle of whiskey. When our loved one’s drug of choice is something that we can offer it tears us up. It destroys self-esteem.
And in our desperate need to answer that question of “why??”, we often stay with the addict for complex reasons: to validate our choice in a mate (otherwise how can we ever trust our own instincts again?), in hopes that the “dream” we were living prior to discovery/disclosure can be brought back, because the cognitive dissonance between what our partner shows to us and what we see with our own eyes is disorienting and wants to be resolved, because it is too painful to think our partner never loved us but it is equally painful to think that they could love us and do what they are doing.
If you choose to leave, the sooner you do so, the easier it will be. If you still love him this will be incredibly difficult, if not nearly impossible. You can leave on a trial separation basis, but set yourself a firm timeline.
If you choose to stay and your husband is serious about recovery, there will still be a long healing process for each of you individually, and as a couple. If you stay and he dabbles or stalls in recovery, you may find yourself sinking further and further down the rabbit hole. Sometimes friends and family can’t understand why you stay and their initial support fades away.
There are great books, there are 12-step groups, there are websites, forums, and other bloggers. There is also recovery support online such as Recovery Nation if you don’t have s-anon or COSA near you. Whether you stay or leave, you’ll need support from others who understand. Reach out as much as possible.
Godspeed.
Leave.
Soon.
And get help to determine what about you allows someone to lie to you and you don’t see it. Did you get mixed signals growing up? Did someone important to you say they love you but kept pushing you away or treating you like an object or even being abusive to you? Did you learn not to trust your instincts? (Although, it sounds like you have GREAT instincts.) Now, do you have the strength to realize you CANNOT FIX HIM, and are better off taking care of yourself rather than wasting years while he drags you through hell?
I wish I had not been raised with a misery loving narcissist of a mother, because I believe the words and not the underlying unease in my gut. I keep hoping someone actually MEANS it when they say they love me. Maybe someone healthy would mean it, but I don’t seem to ‘get’ what healthy is. I am working on that, every day.
I have a teenage son. I have two more years until he is out of high school. Two more to face this demon and learn how it behaves and what it sounds like and how to trust only my own internal monitor. I don’t count on miracles.
Things you could explore: what lies three year olds tell. how damaged mama’s boys (emotionally incested) really are. narcissist speech. what a healthy relationship behaves like.
I wish you all the best and blessings to speed you on your way.
It’s so sad to see how many are going through the same nightmare that I’m living right now, dealing with this tragic, shattering betrayal.
I found out that my husband was registered under many different accounts in yahoo messenger, MSN messenger, other sex chats. He has been emailing some prostitutes on craigslist too making plans to meet in person, but I have no proof that he did and he is saying he never met any of them, it’s just talk, only online and he’s doing it because he is bored and stupid, he can’t explain it. But I don’t know if I can believe him now because he’s lied about so much and for so long.
I know that it doesn’t make a difference and that it’s not my fault he’s cheating – it’s his issue, but still I keep going back to thinking WHY?? I’m 28, thin, beautiful, intelligent. I have a masters degree. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help thinking what he sees in these sluts that’s so desirable, what is it that I don’t have, why can’t he be happy with me? He is 33, just became an attorney (I credit myself for helping him through law school, supporting him both financially and morally). I used to think he is a wonderful guy – he’s caring, he’ll run to the pharmacy when I’m sick, take care of me, he’s natural around kids, I thought he’s be a great dad, we had the same tastes, same viewpoints on major subjects. Now I look at him and I don’t even know this person anymore. I can’t reconcile the man I knew with this new persona.
We’ve been married for 6 years, had to spent 2 years living apart for work 2 years ago. Our relationship has had problems in the last few years because we’ve been under huge financial stress, dealing with debts, unemployment, but now we’re both working and I thought we can start fresh without this constant money burden. That’s what he was saying too, but it turned out he has been keeping these secret email addresses and doing all this nasty crap behind my back for years, and kept doing it even now after we had agreed to work on our marriage. Every time he says something now, I keep thinking if he’s just pretending to be someone else for me. We were watching a show on TV the other day, and he made a comment about a singer that he doesn’t like how she is always dressing and acting like a slut. I’m thinking to myself, “That’s exactly what you like” after reading what he was typing in the chat rooms and knowing he was calling the hookers. Why can’t he say the truth to me? In my mind, a married couple should be able to open up completely to each other. I used to make comments about someone slutty, make jokes about guys masturbating to porn, and he would play along, agree with me, obviously lying all the time.
I installed a keylogging program on his laptop because he’s always clearing out the history, I feel humiliated that I have to spy on him and feel physically sick reading all that, but I don’t know what else to do. Now I always have suspicions if he’s with somebody, if he’s lying to me when he says he’s at work. He travels for work sometimes, and of course I am always going to think if he’s going to call up a prostitute there. With a smart phone he always has internet that I can’t check, Google Voice phone app won’t leave a record of any calls on the phone bill. With these doubts, can I ever relax and know that he’s not lying to me? I know how easy lying is for him, almost natural.
I feel betrayed, 6 years of my life have been a sham. Maybe my ideas of life, relationships, marriage, love are all naive and unrealistic? Are there men who don’t cheat and are happy with one woman for the rest of their lives? My reason is telling me to leave him and start over while I still can and we don’t have children. On the other hand, I just can’t believe my marriage is over now after all these years and everything we’ve been through. I read a lot about sex addiction, and if it’s really a form or psychological disorder and not just him being an a$$hole, I feel like we should try to work on it. Then I start thinking if I were with the right person who is honest, then I wouldn’t have to go through this suffering every day. Leave him now and let him deal with his issues on his own if he didn’t even bother thinking of what it was doing to me and kept lying until he was in the corner.
I am also scared to get a divorce because I’m not making enough to be on my own with all the debts we’ve acquired over the years. I trusted him and thought we’d be married forever, and I never thought whose credit cards we were charging things on and how I could ever handle paying them off on my own. I have no money to move out into my own apartment even. We just moved to a new city and I don’t have any friends or any family here. I don’t want to waste any more time staying with him, always suspecting that he is cheating and lying, feeling sorry for myself. On the other hand, I can’t give up without giving him a chance when he swore that he’s going to quit and try to have a normal family. I wonder if there is anyone out there who knows that their husband actually stopped looking at porn/cheating (same thing in my mind). All the posts I ever read on all the forums are talking about how guys keep hiding and lying.
I’m so confused…………
Looking4Advice,
You’ve been conned by the best. They can look you straight in the eye and lie. Everyone of us who posts here has been conned into believing. Reality has smacked every one of us upside the head.
If you are young, have no children, there is no way I would ever advise you to stay in the relationship.
He swears he will quit. If we all had a nickel for everytime we’ve heard that. They can’t quit on their own. If you wouldn’t expect a heroin addict to quit on their own, you can’t reasonably expect a porn addict to quit on his own. The brain chemistry of the addictions is nearly the same. Porn addiction is not “addiction light.” It’s addiction, and it must be treated aggressively and seriously.
If your “husband” does not acknowledge that he’s an addict, there is no hope. He must seek aggressive treatment for behavioral addictions…..that’s what this is. He’s got more issues than carter has liver pills. This will take decades and thousands to work through. I wouldn’t stay if I were you. Leave. Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made, dedicating decades of your life to a relationship that will never provide for your real, legitimate needs. You married an arrested adolescent….someone who is probably 12 emotionally. There are not enough days left in your life for him to mature and be your emotional equal. Unless you want to spend your days married to a 12 year old, find a way to leave. I know it will be difficult, but that’s the advice I give and the advice I’m following. I’m actively looking for alternate ways to support myself so that I can leave this debilitating relationship.
I keep reflecting on the fact that he swears he will quit. Pfft. That’s classic. Feeling sorry for themselves is part and parcel of the addictive cycle. They find fault, make up reasons why they are downtrodden and use that to justify their behavior. It’s sick, twisted, demented. That modus operandi never changes. Leave. If your daughter came to you and described the situation in which you now find yourself, what would your advice to her be? Leave. Never look back.
Hi! Sorry for what I’m saying, but I don’t know any cured sex addiction.I know that there is no cure for that. It is like another addictions, they can’t never have the first “drink” again. I know some ex-drugs addiction, but I never ever heard about a ex-porno addiction. I’m mean people(S.A) who got back the control of their lives. There are a lot of lies. It is terrible, but it is the true. I would love to be here telling a different story, but I can’t. I agree with Betty, I want to believe that is not true. I want to believe, but the evidence points to the contrary. iT is worse than another addictions, because if you are under heroin soon everybody will realize that, however in the sex addiction it is really difficult to be found out. They can lie for all their lives and nobody will notice it.
Heartbroke, I know your pain. I am so sorry for you, BUT you found out early like the rest have said. I found out in Jan. 2011, that I have been married to a SA for 27 years! What a double life he has led. I too am heartbroke.
My question to all the wise women on the board is, have you ever met a man that was not in some way or another a SA? Is there such a person on this earth? If I were to leave my husband, I have come to a place in my thinking that I just don’t believe there is even one man who is not sexually perverted. I feel I must choose between a life alone or a life with a typical man.
My husband swears that he has not acted out since Dday on December 19, 2010. How would I know if that is the truth or not, really?
Insights?
I’m convinced they are all slaves to their dicks. I want to believe that is not true. I want to believe, but the evidence points to the contrary.
Hi! My husband is a S.A too. I’m not too older than you, I’m 28. I found out about it when I was married for only 6 months. I know we are young, but it is not easy. Sometimes I’m thinking : If all men are the same, so why should I leave my husband? I don’t want be alone! Because that is exactly what I believe now: Men are all the same! After I got married to a S.A I started looking for everything about this. I read a lot of books, I talked to a lot of people, I went to counselor, I went to the church, I tried everything. In the end of this search I just realized that If men are not all the same, I don’t know any man who is different. That includes my father, my uncles, my cousins, friends, etc. When I talked to some friends(men) asking them why, all them said things like: “You know, men need this. All men look porno. Don’t look for this in a men computer because you will find it” or worse than those affirmations I listened too “All men betray their wives at least once in the life”. The sadness is those guys who said me these affirmations are being honest about that. I was thinking maybe it was because I’m Brazilian and in Brazil the men are so sexism (macho men). But I have been living in Canada for 2 years and I realized that Canadians men and Brazilians men are too much the same. My husband is a Canadian. I’m really disappointed with the men at all. In another hand I don’t want be alone. However I’m trying to learn find happiness in myself. When I got it, probably I will leave my husband and NEVER NEVER NEVER I will get married again. Since I found out all his lies and betrayals, he went to therapy as well, I put a parental control in his computer, his cell phone doesn’t have internet access and I have access to his bank account. Even I’m keeping my eyes really opened I still finding out more lies. Not too many lies than before, but he still lying to me. I think he never will stop. Sometimes I wondering: Even I’m being young, pretty and sexy he still doing all these things, can you imagine when I got old how it will be? I won’t wait to see.
Ah, but I’m not sad anymore. I’m not thinking too much about that anymore as well. I found it out 2 years ago. I’m not devastated anymore. This is not worth it. I’m looking for my financial and emotional independence. I’m living each day like it will be the last day of my life. I’m enjoying be by myself more and more. I’m happy! Not because him, but only because myself ( and my mother, my friends and all my life). My life is too precious. I won’t give up because men. I don’t allow my world to be only around him anymore. He is just a little peace of my life. My life is not him! It was hard to learn, but I’m getting it! Good Luck and peace!
I love Ve’s post about taking care of ones self . I agree with most of the other posts RUN GO Leave, Married to a sex addict for 31 years and I found out first year. Wish I would have left, I was only 20 years old and gorgeous but I had a baby and wanted to make it work. This life of chasing an addict around trying to catch him ,cure him, love this addiction out of him, its a LIFE sucking battle that never ends. I did not have resources back then but we have gone to therapy on and off for years. Its always the same promise and then back to the same old TRICKS. Cosa telephone meetings if you dont have face to face. Good luck Dear Girl, your in my prayers.
It can happen at any age. I am a very attractive 39 year old woman, adventerous and highly sexual. I abstained for nearly 4 years after a bad relationship waiting for a good and decent man. When I met my husband, i knew he was the one. We had a wonderful first 3 months together and the sex was amazing. I began questioning why he did ejaculate. He would always tell me it was him, not me, it had nothing to do with me and that it was not my fault. I began to feel less of a woman. I never encountered that before with any man, at any time in my life. I would cry and become overwhlemed and upset. I didn’t understand why he could not ejaculate. Every now and then he would, but not consistant. After 3 months, that is when he began to be less sexually interested in me. When we were together he would loose his errection, or tell me he was tired. I noticed he always took his smartphone into the bathroom when he showered in the morning. i would wask him why but never get a real answer. I still never suspected porn would be problem and my biggest nightmare.
I also couldn’t understand why on his days off from work he would want to be alone. He would always tell me he needed time for himself. He moved in with me that summer and that is when I began to question all of his behavior, lack of sexual interst, loss of errection, not being able to ejacculate and his time needing to be alone. he would always clear the pc and delete history, before I went to work on one of his days off, i checked the computer and reset the history to be left on. When i came home and he went to bed, he was too tired to have sex, I checked the pc and found a porn website. i didn’t confront him, not then. I began to research all of the above issues and found that over masterbation leads to desensitizing the penis to the vagina and non-ecjaculation…simply cannot come to full orgasm because the hand makes a tighter grip and they become used to their hand and cannot no matter what achieve orgasm through interourse. Soon after he was not having sex with me at all. I would have to beg and we began fighting, he always got angry and blamed me for not being understanding and too demanding. I started confronting him of mastrubating and finding porn on the pc. I still didn’t have access to his phone, but he would lock himself in the bathroom with it and i knew he was viewing it. He wouldn’t believe me that his sexual dreams he had every night woke me up out of sleep because he acted sex out and made noises, i found out this is directly from porn and over masterbation, it’s called sex-somnias. I was a mess, felt ugly, unattractive, began taking breast enhacement pills, got push up bras (even though I didn’t need them), went crazy checking his email accounts finding porn invites in his junk mail, tracked which sites he joined to view free porn. I loved him, he began to admit he might have some problems stopping because he did it for so long being single like me. This went on for months. Sex got better, and more frequent, but i could have sex everyday for the most part. He would often get upset, say “we just had sex last night, I thought you would be satisfied” he would come home from work every day shower and masturbate, I then realized he did this every morning too, used his phone viewing porn all day, masterbate when he got home, he would view in the morning and masterbate before work. No wonder he didn’t want me. He was addicted to porn. We only fight over this. Porn that is it. It tears us apart. I told him I wasn’t going to marry someone who could not committ to me. He changed his ways and vowed not to use. He never deleted his browsing history on his phone after that and did very well for a handful of months. I began questioning him again 3 months before our wedding. I always know when he uses porn, his dreams come back and he can’t hold an erection. Sometimes he still argues with me and I know he is lying. I know he will not cheat on me with a real woman, but I feel cheated on because the porn takes him away from me and takes away from my own needs. We just fought again last night. It’s been going on for 3 days and two weeks ago I confronted him. For a month he has been deleting his browsing history on his smartphone, I found a porn link in his google search history that he did not delete. He had to admit to it. Although he has been having regular sex with me and has been able to ejaculate, he had the dreams, I knew he was viewing it. I was right. I told him I appreciated that he did not masturbate and chose to have sex and be intimate with me, but his porn addiciton was a slippery slope, he could easily get back to where he was. I was firm in tellin him he would lose me. I hold to that. I love him and he loves me. I told him he needed to take repsonsibility for this, for what he has done to us, our relationship and my well-being. He has and decided on his own to get rid of his smartphone. This is one huge step. Porn addicition is powerful. He doesn’t even know why he is looking at it, he thinks I am beautiful and willing and wants me but at least now he is thinking about his behavior again. He understands now that he has an addiction to porn, it took a year for him to admit to himself, but he understands he has a problem with it. This is not going to be an easy road for us, it hasnt been. Our good times outweight the bad. I know as his wife that this will always be with us. However, as long as he doesn’t end up choosing the porn over me, I will stand by him.
Any woman dealing with a partner who is a porn addict needs to continue to fight for the relationship you have built. I had to push and push him and confront him, but I did it with knowledge that I armed myself with by researching. I will not stay married to him if he falls back to his demons, but as it is right now he is and has been willing to address it and make behavior changes because he wants our love to survive. Unless you have a partner who is willing to admit he has a problem, and willing to make changes in his life and his behavior then it is not going to change. The man needs to admit he is an addict and confront it. The shame of it is what makes him angry, negative and want to argue that he doesnt have a problem. Shame makes him not want to admit it to anyone let alone himself. Once he can get past the shame and guilt, it will get better.
I want to share my story to give hope to other woman out there. We are looking into counseling also for him. He is ready to get help. He wants to make things better for us, and knows that he does not need porn. Don’t give up until you have done everything possible. I know I am at the begininng, I accept that his is who he is, I married him and I love him. I accept that I took vows for better or for worse, and I am here working through that. I am realistic that he will have set backs. However, I truly believe that he has come a long way from last year. I pray that we will continue to fight for one another to overcome his addiction.
Tina,
I read this last night but held off commenting and what I’m about to say, may seem not very supportive, and I am not saying it to be mean, but to share some of my knowledge about this ugly, ugly disease. Its way too soon to be giving other women hope regarding your situation, because everything that’s currently going on is not HIM, taking the action. You’re doing it all for him and that is not recovery. Its you being a mommy and doing it all for him It must ALL come from him, or it won’t work. He must want to recover, more than he’s wanted anything, whether you are married to him or not. If he’s doing it just to keep you and appease you, that is also not recovery. If he says one thing and does another, that is not recovery. And no, slips are NOT normal and to be expected. How many does he have to make before you’ve had it? 1, 10, 110?
I also thought my porn viewing cyber sexting husband would not ACTUALLY cheat on me, but he did… and the experts say, that excessive porn viewing almost always leads to live acting out. He NEEDS to act out the perversions. Not with the woman he “loves”, but with others.
He is not capable of loving another human being as you and I understand the word.
If he’s currently, lying, denying, hiding and minimizing, and then saying that he he’s going to stop, he’s full of sh*t.
I am extremely concerned for you. Please find your own therapist (if you do not already have one) who is an expert on the realities of sexual addiction and the real deal. This is not because you are sick, but because living with him will make you sick and you need a lot of support. This is an insidious disease and the men who have it are master con artists, users and abusers. They are masters, because they are so good at pretending to be loving, attentive men. That’s the act. The other person is the real him.
I believe that his compulsions are more an abuse of power than it is an actual addiction. He has you, right where he wants you— in love and willing to do ANYTHING, to keep him and your marriage intact, but it takes TWO to make a healthy marriage. You may have married him for better or worse, but apparently those vows were just lip service, where he was concerned.
Again, said with much love and concern.
Lexie
thanks Lexie..you nailed it!!I have found in my situation, My SAH always played the victim and manipulated me into feeling so sorry for him!!! NOT ANYMORE!!!Thank God I am aware of all the mind games now and away from the horrific nightmare of a marriage. I am now learning how to take care of myself. I really encourage all women to get help in their community for abused women. As this is exactly what it is.. emotional abuse!!!
I have a simple solution. It is called a lie detector test. I recommend it be taken bi/yearly. Secrets thrive in darkness and can only be properly dealt with in the light. I read an article about a therapist in Colorado who treats this problem successfully and he uses a lie detector. Makes sense, huh? I have a couple of friends who have went this route and amazing positive changes have occurred with their sex addict husbands. I don’t know this therapist (Doug Weiss) but he trained their therapist in my state. I think there is hope. Prayers of hope and blessing on you, dear young lady.
Yes, some women feel more comfortable with regular polygraphs.
Others will say ‘Why would I want to be with someone who needed them?’
I can say leave. I’ve been with my bf who is a sa. It has been five years of total pain. I’m 59 and finally leaving. They are nonstop liars and they never change. They cannot be trusted. All of the above comments say leave. They are telling you the truth If you don’t your life will be heartache just remember again they never change.