Josie sent me her story of her husband’s porn addiction. She feels guilty even considering leaving him if he is ‘working on his issues’. Here is Josie’s story.
Hi JoAnn,
I feel like no one can understand my story unless they’ve experienced it. I also feel like I can read someone else’s SA, like a book, but not my own. I always give him the benefit of the doubt, but we’re I am outsider, question of that is the advise I’d give myself. Here is my story and dilemma:
I have been married to my husband for 8 years, and found out about his sex addiction when I was 6 wks pregnant with our first child, almost 3 yrs into the marriage. I chose to stay bc of that child. He did immediately go to therapy individually, as did I (including couples), but he didn’t really follow through on what he was supposed to do. When our son was 8 mo. I asked him to leave bc I found emails soliciting sex on Craig’s list while he was away on business (something he claimed he never did until then). He did just enough to get back into the house, and by the time my son was 18 mo. he had a million excuses as to why SA meetings didn’t work for him and he stopped going to therapy. Things were decent, and we had another child.
My husband became obsessed watching me with other men when we were dating. Even though I hated it, I indulged it beginning when we were dating and stopped when trying to conceive my son. Since then he’s still tried to convince me to do it. Wanting to talk about it during sex, etc.
Last year, he kept pressuring me to sleep with a man from my gym, who I’d befriended and really adore. I told my husband that if I did it, it would be for me, and it would be for emotional reasons. He replied, “I don’t care if you get that from him,” with the attitude of getting out of having to do it himself. So I thought, if he doesn’t care, why do I? And it was amazing. First time I’d been happy in years. Had sex that meant something, and had found someone who just loved spending time with me whether we were having sex or not. I have given this relationship up on a romantic level at the request of my husband. If he hadn’t pressured me to sleep with him, I wouldn’t have in the first place, but I miss this person And the way that I felt when I was with him.
Once my husband started to figure out that I was emotionally involved with someone else and that he was losing control over me, he became physically aggressive. Although he didn’t lay a hand on me, he threw things at me, and was downright frightening. I figured if he actually hit me, it would mean sole custody of the kids, so I egged him on a few times, but he was wise to motive (as he called me out on it). I thought for sure I would just divorce him as soon as I had the money.
Meanwhile, he did go back into therapy and has made some changes. He is more attentive to my needs and seems genuinely interested in my day. And he has always been supportive and helpful throughout our entire relationship when it comes to daily functioning. The day-to-day is great, other than I have no desire to have sex with him.
During his treatment, even though he claims his therapist said it was unnecessary, he had given up porn bc he felt more connected to me and our children. He said he felt better. Come to find out, he had been viewing porn for the past 6 months on a site wherein he had a profile he supposedly closed.
To me, this indicates that he hasn’t really changed. Does anyone out there agree? I feel as though he has deceived me yet again. I have never met his therapist (which is odd-apparently therapist says no), but other therapists we have been to have advised him to give up porn. When he gave it up seemingly on his own, I actually had hope for real recovery. His initial reaction was to blame me because we aren’t having enough sex, which is ridiculous bc he’s always used porn, even when we were having lots of sex. He took responsibility, of course, after I pointed out that he should. Then he tried to tell me that he didn’t disclose the porn use bc he get he was entitled to some privacy, and that I didn’t really care about porn in the past. I tried to explain that my biggest issue is the fact that he let me believe that he was sober from porn for 6 mo. And that he gave it up bc it made him feel more connected to me.
Most of me would love to leave this relationship. Free myself of it. But I feel that he gets to stick it to me again if I do by turning me into a part-time mom. I love my kids and can’t bear the thought of being without them, and I feel selfish for wanting a divorce that is destined to turn their little worlds upsidedown.
I also feel guilty leaving the marriage and splitting up the family when he is “working on his issues”.
I would appreciate any insights, and am thankful for any support.
I am going to be straight to the point. You are making excuses for him, he will not change. Do you want your children around a man like this? I went through the same thing, porn accounts, live web cams, ads posted to Craigslist and with the evidence right in front of him he became outraged and lied to my face. I knew the truth but I was in denial and “wanted to believe he would change”. The only thing that changed was my self esteem, I was insecure, pathetic and it consumed me. I thought if I was thinner, in better shape (BTW I was a size 2) he wouldn’t desire anyone else. I started starving myself, had anxiety attacks, insomnia. Before I found out about his addiction, I NEVER once said no to him sexually. I met all of his needs sexually. If he wanted sex 5x a day he got it. What I got was Herpes 2 months later from him because sex addicts are pathological liars. He “promised he would change”, went to therapy (or so he says, that’s probably when he was hooking up with Craigslist Trash)He even had the nerve to blame me and said I gave it to him. It took 3 years of lies and a STD before I realized I am worth so much more and he didn’t deserve a loving devoting family and I told him to get the f*ck out! I am now damaged goods because of him, but I will die alone then be with him. Please think of your life, health, family and peace of mind. When he walked out the door my fear, anxiety, insecurity and all the negativity went with him. You and your family deserve better and you are a strong woman and will make it through this. He will not stop, he will bring home a disease. I thank god everyday it wasn’t HIV but really it doesn’t matter because I have a permanent STD from his promises and lies. I am alone but happy with my peace of mind.
Porn over time desensitizes the brain to feelings and emotions. Porn leads partners into feeling a major disconnect. Porn is a gate way drug to cheating, if used in terms of a true porn addict. It’s really hard for you to want to stay in this relationship because it sounds like you are dealing with a man that is not OWNING up to his mistakes. You are looking for a CHANGE in him. You must feel utterly uncomfortable, and LOST. It’s like you are in LIMBO with your feelings. You so badly want him to change, and to you it seems easy because you would never make these mistakes he has. Its so frustrating when we don’t understand how these men can treat us like we are there for entertainment. How selfish. Please continue seeing your OWN therapist. I have a note book I bring in my sessions to keep track of my progress, and to record any ground breaking news my therapist tells me.
Josie also ask yourself what is going to happen to my kids if they grow up with the example of what “love” is “supposed” to look like. You and your husband are their example. Either way you go its going to be hard. Its hard for me to say LEAVE because I do not know every detail of your story, and for one Im still in “my” relationship with a SA. Its not easy. Don’t loose yourself, find yourself. Please LOVE yourself through the pain. You are not alone. I wish I could hug you. I’ve read all of the stories on this site, and yours sounds like the closest one to mine, expect I don’t have kids. Which Im sure makes it even harder to leave. I hope you find peace! Don’t give up, you are strong!!