Dear JoAnn,
Thank you for your work on the website; I think it’s helped me to finally understand what’s been going on for 20 years.
I don’t want to act as though my behavior in marriage was perfect; our relationship was troubled from the beginning but, at 25, who knows what to do? I swear though, that I have written a very truthful account here. My husband keeps dwelling on the fact that it was he who felt unloved in our marriage, and I feel terrible about this, but I never resorted to the things that he did and felt just as unloved and misunderstood.
In short, he continues to make me feel guilty and, although after writing my story, everything seems clear and I feel relief. When I sent it to him, all he says is that “I am wrong about many things” and then goes off on how I was dissatisfied with him early in our marriage and how my “hitting” really affected him. I, again, swear that I did not just get angry and hit him. It was only after sometimes hours of interaction when I invariably felt as though I were running in circles, or hitting my head against a brick wall with him.
I am a very logical person and he would never agree that his explanations and attitudes/behaviors MADE NO SENSE! I was, literally, driven mad. I really think he is a manipulative passive aggressive person, and actually shudder to think of those days. It came to a point, however, that I was so broken down that I no longer even tried to argue (I once went a whole year telling him “that was passive aggressive” rather than respond.)
One other sick thing I didn’t mention is that 6 months before D was arrested, I had stopped having sex with him because it was both completely un-fulfilling to me, and I felt used, as if he were getting all he needed/wanted with something not much better than masturbation. I found that I was no longer enraged with our relationship, and I had a clearer head for trying to figure out how to fix things, which was the whole point of the exercise. What I believe is, he used this as an excuse to have more “encounters” using craigslist. And, sure enough, when he was arrested, he blamed his behavior on my enforced abstinence.
I’m really lost right now but trying to keep it together for my kid. What has hurt has been not being able to tell anyone about my problems. Thanks, JoAnn, you’ve done a good thing for the world and I know how difficult it must have been because it’s taken all my strength to relive and write this down.
Sincerely,
L
I am 47 years old and have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have an 8 year old daughter. We are now separated.
My husband was arrested in a Craigslist sting operation when he corresponded with a “woman” who eventually claimed she was 14 years old, and “curious” about being with an older man. My husband didn’t send pornographic images, did not say anything more explicit than “have sex” in his correspondence, and didn’t show-up at the arranged meeting place — he was arrested when he stopped his car to call the person to tell her that he had decided he didn’t want to go through with the meeting — he had said all along that he thought she was older, and maintains that this is the case. I found out, through the lawyer, that D had successfully arranged 2 other meetings in a week’s period before considering this one. Apparently, she was the only option left that day.
I believe my husband is telling the truth, that he was actually entrapped (the initial ad on Craigslist said nothing about her age), and would stand a good chance of acquittal IF he were given a fair trial. However, he was arrested while he was attending a conference in a small Southern town with a long history of sending innocent people to jail. He lost his job (after his boss, a friend, demanded his resignation, thinking of the shame his company would experience if D were guilty), we spent all our savings on legal fees, our house was put into foreclosure, D declared bankruptcy, and I took the first job I could find in a different part of the country which turned out to be a disaster, and I resigned after a year — under normal conditions I would he been able to have seen this coming but I was so afraid that a news article would appear and my daughter would suffer the consequences I wanted to move asap. D was first arrested over 2 years ago, the lawyers keep having the case postponed, so there has been no closure, and constant stress. He’s been able to support us through consulting jobs (he was once a prominent scientist in his field) and I have moved overseas to where rent is low, although many people vacation here, so it is very relaxing — I need to recover and so does my kid.
Here’s the real story, though: I find myself thankful that this happened because I now realize that I was trapped in a marriage that was only held together through the love of our daughter, and our desire to give her a happy home. I believe my husband is a sex addict; one who has successfully blamed me for all his failings through passive aggressive behavior, and dishonesty. If he hadn’t been arrested, I would have continued wasting my life with a person who, although he’d like to, cannot be emotionally intimate with me or my daughter. I would have been driven deeper into depression, unable to figure out what the problem was with our marriage, blaming myself. We were not a happy family when all this happened.
Looking back, like so many women on this site do, I see the signs, overt and subtle. Psychologically, the most difficult aspect of my husband’s personality was extreme hostility if I ever questioned him. We married while college students and I confess to having a less than satisfactory upbringing, with a distant, emotionally abusive father and a emotionally unstable and un-affectionate mother. I would rate my insecurity level as relatively normal though, initially. After only a few years of living with my husband, be “broke” me, made me feel as though my anger issues (we are both scientists and he was always so illogical about events, explanations) were to blame for our problems. Indeed, I did get so angry that I hit, kicked, yelled, threw things — however 99% of the time, it was because he backed me into a bathroom, and wouldn’t move (he is over 6 feet, I am 5’ 5” 110 pounds) or wouldn’t leave me alone when I asked him to please drop it — I wasn’t up for fighting. He would NEVER agree to talk about our relationship, never, and, after times when I became angry, he would “punish” me (his word, he said he couldn’t help it he was so affected by my anger) by not talking to me and generally being nasty for a period of a day or two. This, to my knowledge, is not how an “abused” person acts, and he used to say I was a spouse abuser, which would enrage me because I knew women who were physically abused and this was nothing like it; but I was emotionally drained and felt horribly guilty and disappointed with myself for not being able to control my temper. It didn’t help that all our friends knew D as such a nice guy, he sent me sweet cards on valentines day and presents on my birthday, and that I was opinionated and outspoken (although it is worthy to note here, that D does not have any close friends, male or female; I do.)
Some things happened — two years into the marriage, I had an accident in the lab I worked in, some human serum from Africa was splashed into my eyes. I became extremely ill with a bizarre fever and tested positive for exposure to HIV (it was a false positive, I am not HIV positive). D “confessed” that he had been with a prostitute in Russia — his job required very frequent international travel — and said he hoped that he hadn’t given me anything. After finding that I, in fact, wasn’t HIV positive, neither was he, I suppose it was less a shock that he was with a prostitute, and he gave me a good story about how the prostitutes there “just wouldn’t give up” and knocked on his hotel door all night until he “gave in”. So I let it go.
Then, while I was working myself to death getting a doctorate, he told me that he had started an affair with someone at work, that it was no big deal, that he was “dealing with it”. I figured out who it was, called her up, and said that I knew about it and that it definitely wasn’t OK with me. When D found out that I knew who it was and that I had called her, he immediately moved out, told some friends of ours that I was abusive, wanted a divorce. At the time, I was working 14 hour days, and couldn’t find an adviser so I quit school, even though I had spent the entire summer studying for the comprehensive exam and had passed. I moved to Hawaii and stayed with my brother, thoroughly destroyed. Strangely, even though D said at one point that he loved this woman, from what I can decipher (he was never honest with me about anything) the relationship was over within three months by his doing. In fact, he convinced his boss that he needed a month with me in Hawaii to sort out our marriage, and, 4 months after I left, he was with me again. And I sold myself out — blamed myself for everything, I had even said “go find someone else to have sex with” when I was so exhausted from working so hard in school. All my fault.
A month after we “reconciled”, I find some weird $10 cashiers checks he had purchased through our joint account. I also find out that he has a personal credit card using his work address, a secret PO box, he had to change his phone number, etc. He tells me he is into “swinging” and had posted ads (before internet you had to pay for newspapers to print your personal) and like an idiot, I agree to go to one of the swinging events with him, more than one. Completely ridiculous, what a bunch of dorks, sorry, it was pathetic and I consider myself very open-minded when it comes to sex. Looking back, I remember even before we were married, D bringing home a porn movie — I, again, thought it was stupid, so fake, and I really felt that there was something morally wrong with the extreme objectification and submission portrayed, so, I guess, yeah, I’m a boring wife. WRONG! If ever there were sexual newness introduced into our marriage, it was from me. I used to be a very sexual person, or so I thought, I don’t know what men expect, or, indeed, what women expect of themselves, anymore. I remember that when I was coerced into having “perfunctory” sex (he wanted sex twice a day), as I called it and just lying there for him, he would invariably have to stare at my breast, just one, and really concentrate to orgasm. I once saw a TV show (CSI) where a porn obsessed man could no longer have normal sex with his girlfriend, whom he loved, because he, presumably, was overstimulated by the porn he watched all day. I have a terrible feeling that this is what was happening to my husband, and, sadly, for a sexually experienced and adventurous person as he was, sex, past the first year, was never very good with us. Is this the norm for sex addicts? No intimacy, for sure. I’m so sad to think that I was this beautiful young person wanting real love and fulfillment, and I was objectified. It would be easier for me to accept and move on, but I stayed with my husband for 20 years — I am now approaching menopause. I’ve wasted my youth on a man who never really loved me.
I was thinking of leaving D, very soon after our reconciliation, but I became pregnant, accidentally, one year after moving back in together. Having a child shifted my priorities and I’m sure D was doing all kinds of things behind my back although he claims that he “had a problem that was never very serious.” He has admitted to only a few online meetings during the 2 years before his arrest, says he only looked at porn intermittently — I think I would be foolish to believe him. As part of his criminal defense, he had to pay $10,000 for an analysis by a sex expert, to prove that he had no predilection for young girls; he passed. But he has never been in therapy, in fact, often states there is no need, he just “loves sex, and loves diversity.” I’m so tired, every ounce of my energy is going into being happy for the sake of my daughter, whom I love beyond measure. I am also shocked, I never thought of myself as a person who would find themselves in this position. I don’t know that I should recognize D’s behavior as a sickness, forgive him, feel sorry for him, and invite him back into our lives — after all, my daughter loves him and he is, in many ways, a good father. There is so much more to write — I am still trying to analyze it all — I do believe that there is a significant antisocial component to D’s personality, real pathology that he could he treated me this way all this time and never acknowledged it, he blamed me, still blames me, or, at least, only wants to focus on the things that I did wrong in our relationship. I think he may have actually used me as a safety mechanism, as a cover, for his activities. There was one time, recently, when I asked him to give his lawyer permission to talk about the case with me, so that I could potentially help, that I was actually frightened of him — I felt that I didn’t even know him — he had a severe reaction and said something like “You know, I’m getting really tired of your constant criticism, I think I’ll just leave”, right after we had made detailed plans to all be together for my daughter’s birthday. The only reason that I have come to my senses is that a job has kept him away from home for two months — I have known peace for the first time in years and I found this site and I’ve now written part of my story. I think that I am beginning to understand and I actually feel great relief that there is an explanation, potentially anyway.
D, who is still overseas, now claims to be “a changed person”, that he realizes how “special” I am and how sorry he is for the way he’s treated me. However, he still maintains that his issues with sex were “minor”. He refuses to own-up to anything that he hasn’t be “caught” doing and continues to focus on the things that I did in our relationship that were wrong, rather than discuss his behavior. Am I crazy to want to believe him, that he really did only see women the few times? There were many occasions, also, when money would “disappear” from our account, but we’re both terrible money managers so I could never make a good case. How evil that he will have the ability to continue to keep me wondering.
I don’t know what to think. I need to find the strength to start over and may only have a few more months before I need to begin looking in earnest for a job and new life for myself and my daughter because I’m running out of money — D may, of course, be in prison, soon, and even though I am sorry for him, I believe he is innocent, I won’t even have financial support from him. He’s ended-up hurting his kid, how sad.
Thank you, so much, for reading.
Oh honey— Take a deep breath… You are going to be fine. Your husband is very sick. He is EXTREMELY abusive and shows clear cut signs of having a “cluster B” personality disorder— You may google it. I don’t think we’re allowed to post links—yes, anti-social (sociopath), narcissistic, histrionic, passive-aggressive, lying, manipulating, etc. I am taking some excerpts out of your post and my comments are in (parentheses)
(D said, referring to you)I am wrong about many things
(Classic manipulation. my sex addict said this too.)
he couldn’t help it he was so affected by my anger
(of course, NOTHING is his fault—he is perfect and since he is perfect, if you are having problems it MUST be your fault– he will intimidate you and disrespect you until you have NO choice but to retaliate in SELF DEFENSE. otherwise, you WOULD be crazy. who lets a bully just beat up on them?)
he corresponded with a â??womanâ?? who eventually claimed she was 14 years old, and â??curiousâ?? about being with an older man. My husband didnâ??t send pornographic images,
did not say anything more explicit than â??have sexâ?? in his correspondence,
(hun… it is against the law to even be talking with a 14 year old girl about the possibility of having sex with them—- HE’S GUILTY!!!!!!!!)
I believe my husband is telling the truth, that he was actually entrapped
(I don’t believe anything he says—he’s a pathological liar and a sex addict who will have sex with anyone, anywhere, no matter how illegal and no matter what the risk to him, to you, to his sex partner, to his child. He does not care. he is incapable of caring— and he is guilty and if he gets off, I for one, will be enraged.)
I need to recover and so does my kid.
(yes)
I find myself thankful that this happened
(me too!!!)
Psychologically, the most difficult aspect of my husbandâ??s personality was extreme hostility if I ever questioned him.
(yep)
it was because he backed me into a bathroom, and wouldnâ??t move (he is over 6 feet, I am 5â?? 5â?? 110 pounds) or wouldnâ??t leave me alone when I asked him to please drop it â??
(Jesus H Christ. Linda—– THAT is ABUSE!!!!!!! A man twice your size backing you into a door way is called INTIMIDATION and THREATENING behavior. and that is EXTREMELY abusive. Why did you not call 911???)
D â??confessedâ?? that he had been with a prostitute in Russia â??
(Oh man… ONLY, because you gave him the news that you had a potentially fatal illness)
and said he hoped that he hadnâ??t given me anything.
(awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…really? what a guy. I think I’m gonna puke my breakfast now)
After finding that I, in fact, wasnâ??t HIV positive, neither was he, I suppose it was less a shock that he was with a prostitute, and he gave me a good story about how the prostitutes there â??just wouldnâ??t give upâ?? and knocked on his hotel door all night until he â??gave inâ??.
(oh my— poor ol Dave, just couldn’t say no—“that pesky, insistent prostitute held a gun to my head hun–I had no choice hun— geeeezzz”)
he had started an affair with someone at work, that it was no big deal, that he was â??dealing with itâ??. Strangely, even though D said at one point that he loved this woman, from what I can decipher
(there is no such thing as “no big deal” with a sex addict)
he was never honest with me about anything
(correct-he lies about EVERYTHING)
And I sold myself out â??
(yes, but you’re not alone– I did too, and so did a lot of other women on this site)
blamed myself for everything, All my fault.
(old patterns of behavior die hard–but it is not your fault)
I was thinking of leaving D, very soon after our reconciliation, but I became pregnant, accidentally,
(eeewwww… you had sex with him?)
one year after moving back in together. he claims that he â??had a problem that was never very serious.â??
(oh, I love this guy—he’s a textbook specimen—he has a HUGE problem and it IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS!!!!!!)
He has admitted to only a few online meetings during the 2 years before his arrest,
(yep… text book. There is no ONLY and there is NO “only a few” only a few hundred, perhaps???)
says he only looked at porn intermittently
(I have a bridge for sale—ya wanna buy it???) 😉
â?? I think I would be foolish to believe him.
(are you asking permission?)
But he has never been in therapy, in fact, often states there is no need, he just â??loves sex, and loves diversity.â??
(yeah… they all “love sex and diversity”… just plain gross. Actually, though, he’s correct here about therapy. He’s hopeless. Cluster B’s very rarely respond to therapy. That is—– unless they are really prepared to do a tremendous amount of work, and honey, I do not see even a glimmer of hope here)
Iâ??m so tired, every ounce of my energy is going into being happy for the sake of my daughter, whom I love beyond measure.
(yes, of course you are exhausted and of course you want what’s best for your daughter, but sweetie, pretend happiness is just that. pretend. Is that what you want your daughter to see as “real happiness”?)
I am also shocked, I never thought of myself as a person who would find themselves in this position.
(none of us did)
I donâ??t know that I should recognize Dâ??s behavior as a sickness,
(yes, no question about it)
forgive him,
(yes, he is sick and forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning him. It just means that you have accepted that who he is, is who he is)
feel sorry for him,
(absolutely!!!!!!!!!)
and invite him back into our lives â??
(Oh God—please…not recommended)
after all, my daughter loves him and he is, in many ways, a good father.
(ick. he is NOT a good father. he’s an abusive prick. one out of five of us is a victim to some kind of sexual abuse. you are putting yourself and your daughter in harm’s way by being in the same home with him.)
I think he may have actually used me as a safety mechanism, as a cover, for his activities.
(I knew you were a smart lady. Yes, cover–patsy–ruse–place holder. Narcs need live in a pretend “normal world” and “normal people” get married and have children. you were perfect for this part.
I was actually frightened of him â??
(me too! who wouldn’t be?)
I felt that I didnâ??t even know him â??
(you don’t. no one does… not even himself)
he had a severe reaction and said something like â??You know, Iâ??m getting really tired of your constant criticism,
(more of the same. are you starting to see the pattern?)
I have known peace for the first time in years and I found this site and Iâ??ve now written part of my story. I think that I am beginning to understand and I actually feel great relief that there is an explanation, potentially anyway.
(thank God, you had the presence of mind and the instinct to RUN. You’re a good strong woman and with time, healing, therapeutic supports, you will be fine and so will your daughter. This is not your fault and don’t beat yourself up either. I know… many of us from abusive backgrounds have found ourselves “repeating history” and not understanding that “this” is not normal.)
D, who is still overseas, now claims to be â??a changed personâ??,
(leopards cannot change their spots)
that he realizes how â??specialâ?? I am and how sorry he is for the way heâ??s treated me.
(uh oh… he’s nervous now– its a setup)
He refuses to own-up to anything that he hasnâ??t be â??caughtâ?? doing
(bingo)
and continues to focus on the things that I did in our relationship that were wrong, rather than discuss his behavior.
(bingo x 2)
Am I crazy to want to believe him, that he really did only see women the few times?
(I know hun… its called “mindfuck”, but you aren’t the crazy one)
There were many occasions, also, when money would â??disappearâ?? from our account, but weâ??re both terrible money managers so I could never make a good case. How evil that he will have the ability to continue to keep me wondering.
(yes, he’s very sick)
I donâ??t know what to think.
(that’s part of the abusive cycle— Blame, abuse, shame, blame, abuse, honeymoon… blame, abuse… until you are so confused and distraught that you capitulate and begin to doubt your own sanity. aka: mindfuck)
I need to find the strength to start over and may only have a few more months before I need to begin looking in earnest for a job and new life for myself and my daughter because Iâ??m running out of money â??
(you will find it… we are always going to be here for you Linda. You are a good strong, beautiful woman and you will get past this and you have not wasted your youth. You are still young. I’m 54 and I’m still young and therefore you are too.) 😉
D may, of course, be in prison, soon,
(yes. excellent place for him to be)
and even though I am sorry for him, I believe he is innocent, I wonâ??t even have financial support from him. Heâ??s ended-up hurting his kid, how sad.
*********
Yes, he is extremely abusive and very sick and he is NOT innocent– Sorry Linda. He was in his car on his way to have sex with what he believed was a 14-yr-old girl. He is a sexual predator who has no limits to his acting out. He has no compunction about exposing you to life threatening illnesses. He is physically and emotionally abusive. He takes no responsibility for his actions and sees no reason to change. He has a repeated pattern of so-called “remorse” (when he feels that you are leaving him for good) only to come back and “hit you even harder”. If this is the life that you wish to lead, then so be it. No one can tell you to leave. But, I believe that you already understand the truth in your heart and soul. Its our damned heads that play tricks on us… And the smarter we are, the worse the “tricks” are. I’m so, so sorry that this man is doing this to you, but it is not your fault. Most of us see talk therapists to help us sort out the fact from the fiction and to find out how and why we let this happen to ourselves. We find healthier ways of dealing with relationships and learn to leave when it is clear that the other person has no place in our beautiful life.
I want you to know that as sad as this is— This is not YOUR story. This is NOT about you. You have a young life to nourish and protect. You have the means and the ability to support yourself. You have loving family and friends–
your life is just beginning.
All my best and with love,
Lorraine.
Linda,
So sorry to read your story and hear what you’re going through. Of course you’re exhausted and of course you lashed out – these men are exhausting. (Mine too wanted sex twice a day – it’s ridiculous after even a few years of that! I don’t want to spend two or more hours of my day having sex – sorry of that makes me boring but I have other things to do and besides it takes the fun out of it to do it so often.) They also provoke us to extremes of anger we’ve never been capable of before.
Distance is the best thing for you to regain perspective and find clarity. I would caution you not to let him back into you life until he’s a few years into real recovery. They will say and do whatever they have to to recapture their safety net, their cover, or whatever we are to them, but once back in, they will relax into their old behaviors.
Take care.
Thanks, Lorraine and Mayam, for your responses. Just knowing that someone else now knows my story is an incredible relief, somehow. I’ll keep you posted on what happens but, I want you both to know, I am taking your advice — if I let this person back into my life AT ALL, it will only be after a couple years of hard work on his part — verified by a psychiatrist. And I don’t think that will ever happen. When I write D now, he says that I have “classified him with the bad people on the websites” and he is just “not a bad person”. He still maintains that porn was a “take it or leave it” thing for him, and that his “activities” would “bore” me if he told me about them because they were so infrequent.
HOWEVER, the things you said about narcism and related behavior really hit home. I’ve oftentimes over the years thought D was extremely self-centered, mean and unsympathetic, not just with me but with others. His ability to make me believe that everything is my fault is screwed-up…I was just a crutch to him, and it is sad that he never opened up to me or anyone else. I have wasted so much time!! I’m not sure I will ever be able to be with another man… One thing I never brought up was, I think that D had all these secret sex encounters to prove he was “manly” because, in real life, he was a coward and fearful of practically everything. Does that fit?
For my daughter’s sake, I will be strong and move forward; no “pretend” happiness!
Love and thanks, Linda
You’re very welcome Linda. Your post intrigued me so much because almost everything your husband has says was verbatim the exact same thing my ex boyfriend would say. He’s a man I now not-so-fondly refer to as “predator.”
A few things to caution you about. Guys like this delude and deceive their therapists too. Big time. They minimize, lie, leave out, blame, charm– did I say LIE??? to their therapists. They lie to themselves too. SAs/Narcs have selective memories and delusional thinking. They rewrite history. This is known as “gaslighting.”
So, you could get a “stellar” report from his psychiatrist, who then may go on to infer or even CLAIM that YOU are the primary culprit with your “paranoia”, “anxiety”, “controlling behavior”, “bitchiness”, “abuse”, “unloving”, “unforgiving”— you got it.
enraging.
Yes, yes, yes, he’s a coward with extremely low self-esteem and it is very much like a bottomless cup that can never be filled. There aren’t enough women in the world to make him feel like a “man.”
No, he can’t open up. He can’t love or feel in a real, close intimate way. His “emotional responses” at best, are rote phrases and actions he learned from some movie, a book, a friend, not from a healthy intrinsically emotional life from within; he has none.
He is right about one thing, I believe. I’m sure his encounters ARE about as interesting as getting a hypodermic needle in the arm. For basically, that is what they are. At least that was my observation with my sex addict. Trust me, they aren’t really very sexy.
Yes, narcs do need to feel (desperately) like they are “good guys”—That’s their hallmark. Their immensely fragile egos cannot even begin to accept that they are an unfeeling, uncaring pathological deviant. His recent response to you, is clear indication to me, that he is not even in the ballpark in regards to any kind of recovery. His inability to empathize with your genuine feelings, his lack of remorse is unconscionable. He is still putting the onus–the blame on YOU as the problem. In his twisted, sick mind, he sees YOU as “categorizing” him (unfairly, in a despicable group of characters he doesn’t even come close to belonging in), “YOU don’t understand me, YOU are ignorant, wrong, mistaken, uncaring of ME. I am right— I am a “good guy”… How dare you accuse me of such things??? Sure I had some occasional “activities”, but I didn’t enjoy them very much– [eyes rolling] and besides, hun, It was ONLY a couple times… geeezzz!!! Babe, you know that you’re the ONLY woman for me… I need you…I LUUUUUUUUVVVV you… MUAH…seeeeee??????? Please don’t tear our family apart; think of what you are doing to our daughter?”
And you are going… huh? Is he right? Is he telling the truth? Am I imagining things? Am I making a big mistake?
Has he once again, backed you into a wall?
Indeed. He knows exactly what he is doing; He has a PHD in mindfuck studies.
Yes, its sad and please try not to beat yourself up with regret over “wasted time.” You have a beautiful daughter out of it, at the very least, and at 47, you are still young enough to start over. As for being with another man again, I think that most of us are extremely weary now. It takes a lot of time… but there are good men out there; I truly believe this. Men who truly can love and cherish a woman, deeply and genuinely and who would sooner die than hurt the one they love in this manner. My therapist has told me that she has a client who found the love of her life at 74. How cool is that? It is never too late. 🙂
I wouldn’t wait two years more years of my precious life, waiting for some miraculous transformation that has about a 1 in a trillion chance of happening, if I were in your shoes. I would hire a lawyer and make a speedy, swift and certain plan to move on with my life.
Love,
Lorraine
Dear Linda,
So glad you have been able to share your story, as hard as it all is.
Just want to affirm that “minimizing” is one the basic and relentless symptoms of the SA. They minimize what they have done, they minimize what it means, they minimize how it affects others, they minimize what it will take to overcome it and be whole.
They also will blame anyone they can, anyone who will, for a moment, wonder if it IS their fault. You might be an easy target here. I know I was.
But I’m not any longer!!! There is way out. Get your own therapist who understands trauma and addiction. Plan for your freedom. PUt money in your own account. Build a support team of friends, family, faith etc.
YOu can not fix this and you are not imagining its destructive power in your life. Just read what you posted. It’s pathetic. And it needs to stop. And you are the only one who has that power. YOu go girl!!!
Courage and light for the way,
D.
Hi Linda,
Your story is nearly identical to what happened to me.
Mine never stopped, and if I confronted him with new-found knowledge of his activities, he got worse and worse, how dare I stand up for myself….so I was “not a good woman” and unloving, not affectionate, and in the end all it was all about was no one was going to tell him he had to give up strippers, prostitutes, porn, other women, and LYING. He abandoned stating he was going to be him, because I just kept finding more and confronting and he could not give it up.
But I was abused in everyway while discovering.
Gaslighting is some insane mess. and mine even went so far as to try to bait me so he could blame me for something.
That is not someone who cares one bit about you, that is someone who is out to destroy you if you threaten to expose or insist they stop their sordid life. If you demand respect, they disrespect, what the hell kind of life is that?
Mine is a narc and sociopath. He has yet to leave me alone.
But I give him no access to me, and I did meet and marry again, to a man that loves me and my son with real and deep love and care. Hey, he is better looking, and a better lover too, and OMG, he is HONEST…..everything he says is real everything about him is real, he could never hurt me……
And he is employed with no STDs…….my ex-husband brought all kinds of goodies home.
There is hope, more than anything else I guess what I come to this site for while my life is wonderful now, is to help those who need to see, to well, see, and to provide those who realize that they cannot put hope in their husbands, they can realize that there are men who are good, who don’t do this stuff.
I wish my ex had been able to help himself, I hoped that for so long. But he could not and never will be able too, he is too deep and in his 50’s. I had to move on, and the man I married has loved me through all my stupid shit, my traumas, my non-interest in sex after seeing such an ugly side, he has walked me through it all, because he loves me.
I am still not whole, and I am honest with my new husband about that, and he keeps walking me through it. Lord, he is 6’3″ and beautiful and says I am worth everything and he waits for me and helps me to become whole again. Love is beautiful, abuse is insane.
I pray and hope that each SA can find help, be real, know what love is and that what they do is just evil…..to somehow overcome it, but many just are built another way and it is what they are. For the real women that they deceive, there is a better life.
Linda ,
I sometimes think all these SAs were made from the same mould.I hope , someday , this mould is destroyed.
The acting out patterns may differ but once they are found out , every single one of them ,without exception , react in the exact same manner.
The most infuriating enraging part of it is they make molehills out of the mountains and accuse us of making mountains out of ,what in their books, are molehills.(yeah having sex with hookers is also a molehill !!)
And thru all the talks and discussions and fights and arguments they act like a hurt 5 year old when they keep repaeating that they love us and we dont understand and appreciate their love for us.
Linda what you said about your SA saying “i am not a bad guy” is so typical.As i was trying to extricate myself i kept telling my SA that please leave me alone i dont belong to that world and, wonders ,he insisted neither does he !!!!! And he genuninely believes it !!! That basically he is a good guy !!!All this when in a committed relationship of 8 years i caught him at porno , online hookups , chatting , sexting,travelling 1000 miles to spend 2 days with someone he just spoke with the previous night,listings on AFF,calling hookers to his hotel room etc etc.
And the worst part is they believe that they are good people and its only coz we found out and confronted them with all the gory details that they that they become “a bad guy”.
Had we not found them out , they would be the sane normal people they portray themselves to be.!!!
Lorraine , i think not only do they “mindfuck” us , they mindfuck themselves too !!
Linda , there are good men out there. There have to be or else the world couldn’t go on.It would collapse if all men were like our SAs.
Love and hugs
I think I posted on here earlier but I don’t see it. I wanted to make some typo corrections.
One is that his skank ads are displayed in his free app, not fee app and he knows how to
get rid of these ads and suddenly they pop up again like eharmony and sexy singles and
want to have a good time ads and want to meet up with female male or both option ad. So
drouse btw too that he had one for want to have a good time and the lady was
sitting on her bed with her underwear on and her legs spread and my husband told me that he
thinks those ads are not any different than vistoria secrets ads and I don’t agree at all. Victoria secret
Sells underwear and the commercials aren’t skank or nasty erratic even though since his addiction I still
don’t care for those commercial either but they are definately not like his nasty ads on his free program. Also the
anythingtostopthepain site he falsely blogged somewhere about me on, I had found his blog or forum posting in his new
annonymous email so I don’t know how to find his post on that site. Since I told him I have proof of his behavior, he has locked me out
of his computer and iPad.He is now very passive aggressive with me and takes his how to safely divorce a narcissistic personality disorder
Kindle ebook over to his parents house when he stays the weekends there. I feel so alone with my hurting from his porn addiction and his gawking
behaviors in public. I am alone and feel so unloved but even though I don’t hear or feel God around, I know He is still there.