My husband was 28 and a virgin when I met him. I did not know he was a virgin just thought he was sexually inexperienced. Then when we began having sex, he told me he wanted to wear women’s undergarments and watch me have sex with other men. I told him I did not like him talking about that stuff and to please stop.
He did for awhile then we got married and had children. The first few years with the marriage and children were wonderful, no complaints, maybe some bizarre talk during sex, but that was it.
Fast forward a couple years, I feel his behavior is out of control. He likes to go to Victoria’s Secret and tell the sales girl he is there to be punished for wearing panties and he needs to buy more for himself. He told me he could see our neighbor across the way naked so he would watch her every morning and thought about calling her to see if she was interested in a threesome.
He wants to send pics of himself in women’s panties to my friends so they can all laugh at him and what a small penis he has. He also contacts former female coworkers with strange emails about wanting to tell them deep dark embarrassing secrets, ie, the small penis thing and women’s panties. He recently told me he wants to go to the mall wearing women’s panties and try to expose his panties to women so they would laugh at him.
He has so many fetishes I don’t know where to start, me having sex with men, making him participate, small penis fetish, dressing like a women, women humiliating him, threesomes.
He thinks none this is weird and lots of women would be into this stuff. He seems to have no sexual boundaries and does not care about women thinking he is a freak. He does not think about the consequences. And we have never made love, it always about his fantasies and me being with other men or women making him dress in panties and telling him how inadequate he is.
I don’t know what to do anymore, it seems to be out of control. I’m not sure what to do in this situation. Hearing other women’s stories is very helpful. Although, I feel my situation is even more bizarre because my husband’s fetishes are so strange and seem abnormal for even a sex addict.
Thanks for sharing your story; sounds like a difficult situation to say the least.
You said you are not sure what you want to do. What would you like to do?
HI Michelle,
One of the questions for me in understanding these behaviours is to ask “is this increasing intimacy between me and my partner?” And the answer has to be a “yes” for both people, not just the one taking the lead. It doesn’t sound like there is much mutuality in what you are describing. It doesn’t excite you. It doesn’t draw you closer to him. It doesn’t even help you know yourself any more. He isn’t interacting with your responses to his ideas. He’s on his own.
In this situation, it sounds like he’s just running on sexual compulsions. And his “theories” about women wanting various options he wants to provide, or even finding his antics funny is delusional. The possibility that he is mentally ill with presenting symptoms of a sexual nature is very strong. I say this because he really is “on his own” with this stuff. He’s out there and nobody is with him. And he’s making you go as far as he can make you go, to give the illusion that he isn’t alone—that you are making the trip with him as willing participant.
No matter whether you’ve co-operated in the past with this whole scenario or not, you don’t have to now. It doesn’t sound like this makes you happy. It doesn’t sound like you want to spend the next 30 years with him on this track.
So, what you want out of the next 30 years? Really want? What has to happen if you are going to get what you want out of life? It is your life too, not just his.
Marian asked the same question in her usual “no frills” “right to the earth’s core” way. Take a page of blank paper and start writing down your answer. Don’t worry if some of the things you write aren’t quite the right answer—just start and you will get there. This remains the hardest but most important exercise in my recovery from 30 years with an SA (without knowing he was). I do it regularly. So you might as well start now.
We believe in you and your capacity for joy in this life. If you aren’t so sure, we’ll believe for you until you believe for yourself.
So, what do you want in life?
love,
D.
Marian,
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this and it must be so devastating for you. Actually, I think that these types of situations are not as rare as one might think. I have a male friend—who’s very bi and is into pantyhose–bigtime (!) and even brought me a gift of a pair of nylon thigh highs from VS on our first and only date.(!!!) He told me about a whole society of men who are into “Zentai”—I know… google it…The dudes wear nylon head to toe. wtf? Holy freakazoids!!!
My friend also wanted to take me to a Zentai fetish club in Manhattan to which I said a polite “no thank you”.
Otherwise, we chat online from time to time and actually, he’s a bright, articulate, architect and extremely gifted photographer, who was very kind to me, supportive and helpful when things were ending with Predator.
The only kind of woman who I can imagine would be into this kind of situation would be one who was heavily bi,(or just plain old gay) herself and therefore, more interested in a 3-sum involving another woman, and indulge him in his unhealthy desires. Then it could work, in certainly a very alternative, bizarre way, but it is not that easy to find such a situation, except in the short-term, perhaps. And its certainly not normal or healthy and it is definitely not loving.
Your husband is also obviously presenting with some serious emotional issues which go waaaaaay beyond mere sexual preferences. Of course, it is not normal for a man to want to be “punished”, laughed at or ridiculed or told that he’s “inadequate”, and certainly not as a means to sexual arousal and satisfaction. (I think they call it “cuckholding.” No thank you.) These are all clues to what was almost assuredly a very disturbed and dysfunctional childhood and perhaps some confused gender issues.
Yes, he does sound out of control and if left unchecked, these behaviors WILL likely escalate and much of what he’s doing could be seen in the eyes of the law as sexual offenses and are prosecutable as such. He needs professional help, but maybe it will take a court order before he realizes this himself? I don’t know. Hopefully, it won’t have to come to that and he will realize for himself that he needs this help.
Do you have your own counselor to help you wade through all of this? JoAnn’s boundaries book is also terrific and can help you to create YOUR own boundaries which he may not cross.
I don’t know if any of that helped, but please just know that you are not alone.
xo,
Lorraine
Dear Michelle,
Thanks so much for sharing your situation. I have come to check this website daily and it is helping me quite a bit. Ah yes, the lack of sexual boundaries and completey inappropriate behavior by our spouse. Know this well, and still learning. Honestly, nothing is too weird or dangerous for many of these SA’s I am finding. My SA thinks that because he has always worn a condom and I have not contracted an STD that he is “not like the other SA’s” Some days he says he’s an addict. Other days he just likes a certain kind of fetish (those are denial days). His fetish is transexuals and men which he recently came out about 3 mos ago. He had “narrowed his transexual prostitute workers down to 3” that he was seeing on a regular basis. Well, I guess you call that a boundary. I mean sistah pleeeeeeease!!!! It blew the lid off my life! But I am picking up the pieces. Still working on healing, therapy, and wait and see if he is serious about recovery. Doubtful. But trying to make stay / leave decisions from a rational clear point of view. Don’t know yet. I wish you love and patience with yourself and your situation and hope that you find the love and help you need to make “sense” from the senseless world they throw at us. If I have any words of hope at all, I told my SA what I was willing and not willing to do sexually. Named what was in the comfort zone, what was out. It helped me. Any thoughts on how anyone handles their SA in first 3 – 6 mos that was helpful? comments on boundary setting? looking for feedback. It felt good to set rules. I am feeling a little more empowered than 1 mos ago. Any advice welcome.
Hi.. Thanks for your support and comments. I have children with this man and the effects this could have on our children scare me. The part about him being delusional scare me as well. He thinks all women are into this stuff. He can tell they are, because, maybe a women will have a tattoo, and he’ll say, well, Only sluts have tatoos, so she would want to humilate me. Or Victorias Secret salesgirls, he thinks if they help him find panties, that means they want to sexually humiliate him and they are into what he is into!!! I dont know what to do! He says he does not need help!
Well, I guess it’s time for you to make some decisions. If you want to stay and work on the relationship then you have to set boundaries for your own sake and for the safety of your children.
What this man is contemplating is against the law and, if caught, he will at worst go to jail and at least be publicly registered as a Sex Offender and put on the national list that is available online to everyone. If any of your neighbors or relatives decide to look at the list your husbands name and address will be right there for all to see.
It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t think he needs help, you know he does and now is the time to insist that he get help or you will…whatever reasonable consequence you can enforce. It could be a temporary separation, separate bedrooms, or telling him that you will call the police and report any illegal activity that he even suggests that he will do.
You should also set boundaries for his conversations and any uncomfortable activities that he wants you to participate in. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your allowing these humiliating activities will in some way prevent him from acting out–that’s just not true. You need to tell him how you expect him to treat you–with respect.
You are the only person who can set the standards for how your husband treats you and your children. You cannot make him do anything or stop doing anything, but you can make it very clear what you will or will not accept in your life.
HI, how could I call the police based on actions he hasnt yet commited? Should I take him to a psychitrist or therapist? I dont know????? He says Im the crazy one!!!!
Yes, I would call the police based on his intent. No, they really can’t do anything but it might make him realize that he is treading on very dangerous waters.
If it were me I would tell him your concerns for yourself, your children and for him. Tell him that what he is considering could ruin your lives. Ask him if he would consider going to a counselor together with you to get an objective opinion. If he refuses I would then say that it is not an option, that this is too serious to ignore.
Of course he’s going to say you are the crazy one. But, going to a counselor together ensures that the counselor gets the entire story, not just his version. I would start with a family counselor who has some experience with addictions. They will recommend another counselor based on a few sessions.
If you have health insurance be sure that the counselor is covered under your plan, that way you will only pay a co-pay (usually $10-25 per hour session), if the counselor does not take your insurance the fees can be quite high ($150 per hour or more).
Good luck. He will resist but you have to let him know that you are not kidding around. This is very serious stuff.
I want to thank everyone again for here for there responses and support. How do I deal with the feelings of being inadequate? Maybe if I hadnt gained weight, was younger, had the perfect body, this wouldnt be happening?? He wasnt always this bad, it has gotten ALOT worse in the past six months. The first years of our marriage were great, so sometimes I connect me having children, gaining weight, to contributing to the problem, I blame myself.
Michelle,
NO WAY!!!!!!!!! You should see Predator’s partner. She’s about 5′-3″ 110 lbs, dancer (like me, yes, just coincidence) very pretty face, looks about 28. (she’s 41), no kids, unless you count the dog.
It has nothing to do with how a partner looks, what she does, what she says… HE is the one wanting to send naked pics of himself, so that your friends can ridicule him. That is f**ked up.
He wasn’t always this bad because its an escalating disease that HE HAS. Its like he has cancer. Left untreated it grows and grows until it takes over too much of the healthy tissue and the victim dies.
Its just like that.
xo,
L
Another question I have is, When do I know if the behavior is illegal? Im not law enforcement, so I just dont know!
Sending sexually explicit e-mails to people who have not requested them is against the law. Any unwanted sexually explicit advances, such as conversations or exposing oneself, is against the law. Certainly window peeping will get him a jail sentence. Just telling that to the police would certainly get him into trouble.
Do you want your children exposed to that sort of embarrassment if a neighbor calls the police on him? Do you want them to hear (yes, children know far more than we think) his twisted ideas and think that that is normal? Do you want your children growing up knowing that their father is a creepy pervert?
Growing up in a home with a Sex Addict, even if it is not ever out in the open will definitely have a negative effect on children. You, as their mother, have an obligation to protect them from harm.
He has already broken the law with his window peeping. He needs help before it escalates into something much more serious.
Good luck my dear, I know it all seems overwhelming right now, but you are taking the right steps to make things better. We are all here for you.
JoAnn
I have told my husband we need help, but he does not want to go to see anyone. How can I convince that this behavior is very abnormal? He likes to tell me that he sometimes makes errors in judgement and that everyone makes mistakes and that its not that bad.
Errors in judgment? Oh my oh my… Sending my son to school with a cold I didn’t think was so bad is an error in judgment.
He is very sick and this is just more SA minimizing.
Call the cops and tell them your story and your concerns and what he’s done.
There’s nothing like a couple of big, uniformed officers, loaded with clubs and guns to wake someone up. I’ve had to do it a few times, when my kids got REALLY out of hand. It works. The police will make him realize that he either gets help or faces the very REAL risk of time in PRISON. His choice. No one is pressing charges YET, but its only a matter of time. He’s out of control.
Sorry for all of your angst.
L
Dear wifemichelle,
There are times in life when, no matter how foreign or uncomfortable it seems, we must make tough decisions. This is one of those times for you.
You can either go along, allowing a very disturbed person to make dangerous decisions not only for himself, but for you and your children. Or, you can somehow find the courage to stand up to him and say there is no option. He either gets help or you will find a way to leave for your own safety.
I cannot stress this to you enough. Please find some help for yourself, a counselor or spiritual adviser who can help you confront him. If you don’t you will be putting your children’s and your future at risk.
How can I get him to realize the seriousness of the situation? I really think he might be delusional thinking that women like this or are into it! He does not see it as a violation. The two former coworkers that he contacted because he thought they would like to sexually humiliate him, one was fifteen years younger then him and has a boyfriend, that did not bother him, the second was a women from Afghanistan and Muslim, it is absolutely insane. He used to be a great husband and he is trying, but he just doesn’t get it. Should I divorce him if he refuses to get help? Thanks so much for your help!!!!
You can’t get him to realize anything. It’s futile to waste your time trying.
Yes, he is delusional. He is mentally disturbed and you are not a professional who can help him. What he did with his co-workers is illegal and if they decide to press charges he could lose his job and possibly go to jail.
You need to make a decision based on the safety of your children and yourself. I am trying very hard to be kind here, but it’s time for you to realize the seriousness of what you are dealing with, stop playing the helpless victim and make some mature decisions as a mother and as an adult.
You don’t have to make a decision about a divorce right now, but a trial separation might be enough to convince him that you are serious about not wanting to live with someone who is toying with jail time and destroying your life and the lives of your children.
You might want to talk with an attorney about your husband’s responsibilities for support for you and your children. There are always ways to remove yourself from an unsafe situation.
Once again, JoAnn, I do appreciate your advice and understanding. Everything hit the fan, only six months ago, so for me, this is a process. I am now understanding, that this is not about me, like he initially told me. He said he was contacting former coworkers because we had a bad marriage and I wasnt being a good wife. So, for the past six months, I have tried my hardest to be the best wife and it is not working. Before everything came crumbling down, I had never looked up the word, paraphilia, fetish, delusional, or sex addiction. I am coming to grips with how serious the situation is. I guess it makes it harder to comes to terms with, because my husband is white collar, he has a good job, wears a suit and is at work everyday, making a good living. So, it makes it easier to think, he really cant be that sick, hes gainfully employed and thriving at his job. Anyways, this is no longer about me or my feelings, I want my children to have a healthy father and healthy lifestyle, and I will do whatever it takes.
Yes, it is so difficult for us to realize that Sex Addicts and sexual perverts are not creepy looking old men in trench coats. Over the last six years that my husband has been attending 12 step meetings a very large percentage of the men in his groups are white collar. Doctors, dentists, lawyers, religious leaders, teachers, executives. You name it and they are there. And, even more scary, is how many of these ‘respectable’ men are pedophiles.
These men use their social positions to manipulate their spouses. And, it can be very effective. But, you know what is going on and you must arm yourself with any concrete evidence you can in order to feel confident in what you are doing. His mental illness makes him able to twist the truth and make you feel crazy.
Watch the movie ‘Gaslight’ with Ingrid Bergman if you want to see some super manipulation of an innocent woman’s mental stability by her very well-respected husband.
I understand your shock, confusion and lack of direction. But please, you must understand that Sexual Addiction always escalates and, considering your husband’s apparent mental issues and deep denial, you and your children are not safe.
If I were you the first thing I would do is find a good counselor for yourself. Find a woman who deals with domestic violence victims as she will have the best understanding of your abusive situation and the manipulation you are dealing with.
Good luck my dear, if there is anything I can do just let me know. We are all your friends, we have been through the same type of situations and we are here for you.
JoAnn
Hi wifemichelle,
You have really been on a doozy of a learning curve.
It takes a while to learn about the general aspects of SA and then the more specific aspect of what your SA is all about. Figuring out how we are being “played” is another learning curve. Are we excuses, blamed, scapegoats, participants, victims of abuse, deceived, public cover, etc etc? So if you feel like you are still behind on it all, you probably are.
The urgency some of us are feeling about your situation is what JoAnn is communicating. There are some instances where the SA is so mentally insane (and at my husbands 12 step, that’s exactly how they name it) that it doesn’t really matter how much learning we achieve, how much we understand, it will never really change the options we have.
I think your guy is like that. And I’m really sorry. But your guy is dangerous because he is delusional, and what I can foresee is that his next step will be firmly in the criminal realm. This is because if he is delusional and if his need to medicate himself sexually is not met by willing participants, he will precipitate a sexual encounter based of the delusion of women wanting to participate.
You really need a lawyer. Get a referral to a good one. And make a personal safety plan. Have your own money in a personal account.
Your husband is high-functioning in his job, but his delusional world is very complicated and at odds with his public job. He is an accident waiting to happen. You are part of the glue that is keeping those worlds apart. Your role is bear the burden of knowledge for him, and pay the price. That’s not marriage. That’s not love. That’s no environment in which to raise children. If they don’t know already, they will soon enough. They aren’t as easily hood-winked as we are.
Please look after yourself and your children. There is nothing to salvage here without your husband in intensive therapeutic program. And even then I’m not sure there’s anything to salvage. You deserve better than this. There is whole beautiful life without this insanity to be greeted every morning and blessed every night. Go get it.
love
D.
Thank you so much for your reply D, I appreciate it. I dont know, the whole situation is so complicated, I just dont know where to start. My husband refuses to get any sort of help, so I suppose separating would be best. I just dont understand how someone can be two entirely different people??? When I tell very close friends or family whats going on, they have trouble believing that it is really happening. My husband seems like a very normal person, a little quiet, but relatively normal. He is so good at putting on an act, that sometimes I think maybe I am crazy, and its not that bad. I guess Im having trouble understanding just how sick he is. And this has all been a very slow process, so you kinda lose perspective along the way. Like I said, throughout our entire relationship, our sex life has been different, then with most other men Ive been with. My husband telling me he wore a teddy out to a bar one night underneath his clothing, I thought he was just joking. He talked about me being with other men, that he wanted to wear panties. But it was all talk. Six months ago, it all became reality and worse. I dont know…
Hello again. This may sound totally naive of me, but can you explain how this constitutes abuse? Im imagining abuse to be when a man strikes a women or on a regular basis calls her vulgar names. I want to go to the right people and be fully aware of what kind of situation Im in. Thanks again.
Google “emotional abuse” and then “psychological abuse”. YOu will discover many sites with self tests/definitions/articles/signs of etc.
Michelle,
Your husband is extremely abusive and yes, emotionally, psychologically and physically.
It is abusive of him to expose you to life-threatening illnesses.
It is abusive of him to not keep you safe.
It is abusive of him to lie to you.
It is abusive for him to behave in a felonious manner with your friends, neighbors and sales women, not to mention, grotesquely embarrassing.
It is abusive of him to expect you to have sex with other men and other women, to satisfy his own perverse needs.
It is abusive of him to not understand that he’s a deviant and engaging in illegal activities, thereby exposing you and your children to harm. both psychological and with the law.
And not to scare you too much, but yeah… if he’s arrested and convicted of a sexual offense and it is deemed that you knew about it and didn’t take any kind of action to stop it, to protect your minor children who were exposed—guess what??? The law could possibly come after YOU! Yes, indeed. It has happened. You then, could be accused of being an accessory to a sex offender felon.
As Diane said, you need a damn good lawyer and ASAP. You must protect yourself and your children, at all costs.
And just a final word… Whether we call him gay or bi or a pervert, and please just accept this— MOST of these guys DO look and act,(with the emphasis on ACT) frighteningly normal… even better than normal. Predator has Hollywood matinee idol looks and the sweetest disposition–cute, funny, gregarious— so charming, and I cannot begin to tell you how sick he is.
You should read his profiles… OMG!!!!!!!! He will talk about going for a jog and then meeting his friends for a glorious evening at the Met and he’s “very successful” and looking for women on the “same page”— Like he’s some kind of upscale regular Joe… He’s single (not) and very busy (hunting for his next victim) with his VERY successful bi-coastal (okay, east coast of the hudson river and west coast of the hudson river) career and just looking for like-minded women (women who don’t mind being abused) who are looking to “explore.” (wtf??? horrendous euphemism.)
Are you with me???
PREDATORY PSYCHOPATH
Yes, there is often a complete splintering of the personality. That is not normal. A normal person has different facets of ONE personality. You do not suddenly see someone you do not recognize as being the SAME person! Scary stuff.
Crazy people can and do have the ability to act normal, or not and can change from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde at the drop of a hat.
Think Ted Bundy.
I know that all of this is so difficult to comprehend and accept, but it is very clear from what you have written that you have a very sick, abusive and potentially very dangerous situation on your hands.
You are NOT the crazy one!
Love,
L
Hey Lorraine, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. That does frighten me incredibly, and it is very scary, how he is literally like to different people, I just dont get how you do that. I think to myself, man his coworkers have no idea who he really, is, his friends, family, they have NO idea who he is. Then the part that scares me shitless, pardon my french, is that I have no idea who he is, and it makes me physically ill. I dont think he knows who he is or why he does the things he does. I meant to ask, who is Predator and where can I read his profile, he keeps being referred to. Thank you so much.
Hi Michelle,
I don’t really fully understand how they do it either, because I and most people would be so racked with shame and guilt that we wouldn’t be able to function at all. Furthermore, most of us are able to empathize with our partners, and could never hurt them in this way. SAs as a rule, cannot empathize and feel varying degrees of remorse and guilt from 0 to quite a bit.
Someone like Ted Bundy who is so very very ill, or a Scott Peterson, will have ZERO remorse and ZERO guilt. In fact, they can even convince themselves that THEY are the victim and were actually protecting themselves… Oh, lets not go there—
“Predator” is the nickname I have given to the man who is the reason why I’m here… A man who I was not married to, but was very involved with for over a year, who little by little, seduced me into his very low, very sick world and then dumped me like last week’s grocery coupons when I did not agree to do what he wanted me to do. Every once in a while, I’ll give an example of something either he or his partner said or wrote which applies to a specific situation. I had quite an education with this guy. He also went to an in-patient rehab facility for 3 weeks and it was a waste of time and money.
I am going to include which I’ve done before, some quotes from Predator’s partner’s blog which I discovered a few months after she sent him to rehab. I believe that there’s much here that’s going to ring familiar and I hope that is helpful to you. They are completely anonymous and she did publish this blog on the internet, so that makes it part of the public domain. I think that we can use it to give us some good insights into the mind of a sex addict and his poor partner who is desperately clutching at air in an attempt to try to wrap her mind around all of this.
I hope that it is helpful to you and my comments are in [ ].
“Last night we had a particularly harrowing conversation involving more disclosure of the many events that have taken place over the years, where his apparent addiction led the way down this path of self-destruction.
[what about YOUR destruction? He put your health and your LIFE in jeopardy, completely unawares! Why aren’t you CLOBBERING HIM OVER THE HEAD???]
He was able to speak in such non-feeling tones about his actions, as I know he must.
[WHY must he speak in NON-FEELING tones? Can you see how SHE’S minimizing and justifying here? This is what a sex addict needs to learn. How to FEEL!!!]
There has to be, for both of us, a way to disassociate
[This is just plain–WRONG!! DISSOCIATION is a sex addict’s best friend; her dissociation is co-addict and enabling behavior. They each need to meet this demon– HEAD ON! Difficult yes, but necessary for real recovery.]
“throughout part of this process or else we render ourselves useless and become basket-cases when all we’re trying to do is get through each day.
When I could finally step outside myself, which I was not able to do last night, I was able to hone in on just how deep this affliction had taken hold.”
[she has no idea and still does not]
There are things he says that I know are not coming from “him” right now or the “him” I’ve known and loved all these years.
[no, honey, its HIM, alright!!!]
But what he is doing is finally showing me the real him perhaps-and that’s extremely terrifying to both of us..
[bingo, but there’s even more and yes– its terrifying to you, but not to HIM!!!]
“As I mentioned in my very first blog the label that this condition has been given instantly conjures up impossibly disturbing images of deviance and overall malediction. This very fact is what my partner is struggling with the most. He has said from day one that he feels as if he should be wearing a big red Scarlet Letter on his chest.”
[awwwwwwww…….. This makes me wanna vomit.]
But what this is in reality is what one woman has so brilliantly and presciently termed, a very damaging “Intimacy Disorder”.
[lots of codies at these meetings]
“And so from now on I am going to attempt to refer to it as such, for the simple reason that it just sounds better, more digestible, and in my opinion is ultimately more on the money.”
[poor thing…more minimizing, justifying and completely in denial. Her partner is a sexual predator and his issues with intimacy are like saying that a hurricane is merely, wet.]
And here’s one of my favorites—
“What came out in therapy last night was somehow new and shocking and equally as devastating as what I’ve already heard but was at the same time remarkably liberating. The simple fact was made evident that my partner doesn’t know what he wants or what he’s feeling, doesn’t know whether he’s an addict or someone who just doesn’t want to be monogamous, doesn’t know if indeed it is an addiction at all or is something he can “control”, and doesn’t know who he is in general. Are these all valid “normal” questions for someone in his shoes? Maybe yes. Is he in denial? Maybe yes also.”
[NOT MAYBE!!! He can’t truly FEEL, yes, but he knows what he wants and who he is… He simply can’t accept it, however, and apparently, neither can she]
“Our therapist in fact turned to me and spoke with a very sympathetic heart, validating his feelings while remaining acutely aware of how painful it was for me to hear them.”
[Aren’t we relieved that someone can do this for her?— he CAN’T feel HER pain!]
********
I hope that was helpful to you, Michelle.(and anyone else who’s reading this) It is normal for partners to minimize and deny and justify, just as their addict partners do, especially early on. This is a natural defense mechanism that our minds do to minimize the immense trauma we have been subjected to.
In closing, as I like to do after I’ve exposed them in this way… I would like to send both of them healing light and energy and a clear path to a healthier more fulfilling life.
I would like that for all of us.
Love,
L
Thank you so much for sharing that Lorraine. I hard a hard time not making this about myself, or what I could be doing so he would stop this behavior. Sometimes I think if I were a perfect partner this would all go away, crazy I know.
wifemichelle -I’m so sorry that you are having a really hard time. This site has the most caring bunch. Like you my d-day was not that long ago. I see you have children like many of us. I sometimes have many questions with no answers but I try and think if my child was in my shoes what would I tell them to do and would I do everything in my power to see that they do it. As a mother of 5 children many of times they were to deep in to a situation to see for themselves want to do and until they stepped out of their life they couldn’t see it.I hope maybe if you can get out of your life even for a few days things may look different
You are in my thoughts
Katt
Michelle,
You’re not crazy; he is. There is NO woman who is “perfect” enough for him. There is no woman who could possibly have prevented this from happening and there is nothing that you could possibly have done to make him go this route, either— no matter what! His issues had their origins long before he met you. (and I suspect whatever went on with his family of origin was not a pretty sight) Do you hear what he’s asking? In addition to all of the aberrations, fetishes, and homo-sexual encounters, he wants women to RIDICULE him and make fun of his penis. WTF??? What on earth does that have to do with you or any woman? The addiction, the aberrations, mental disorders, obsessive compulsions are all about him and his sickness! If anything, your presence is acting as a tether of sorts to keep him from self-combusting into the atmosphere. But, this is not your problem, either. Also, guys like this often delude themselves too, and seek out conventional relationships that give the appearance that everything is well… conventional!
The question, in my opinion should be.
“Is he perfect enough for you and your children?” And this is the him, right now, not the him of your courtship and early marriage. That was not the REAL him. What you have now is the real him. (and there may be even more that you don’t know…There almost always is.)
No one is perfect, but this man is like a hand grenade with the pin pulled out.
Are you seeing a therapist? It is often very helpful for most of us to help us navigate through all of the muck.
Please also consult with a lawyer as soon as you can. Protect yourself and your children.
Again, I’m so sorry for your pain. You are not alone.
Love,
Lorraine
Hi Lorraine. I want you to know that I so appreciate all of your responses, it feels so good to have other women validate my feelings and concerns. Do you think my husband stands a chance at recovery? When I do talk to a lawyer, what do I tell him? What about custody? Im afraid when we divorce, my husband will get even worse, and then he’ll have visitations with the kids?????? I wanted to also say, that when I have approached my husband in the past about his problem, he tells me I have jealousy issues and I dont handle jealousy well. The scary part is, sometimes he has believing that crap. I guess when I try to minimize, I think, maybe you are just jealous, all the women he approaches are around 21 years old, youre in your early 30’s, hes in his late 30’s, maybe if you were 21 again, hadnt had children so the body of a 21 year old. Thats when I know I need to get help, because I have lost perspective of the big picture and what this is really about.
wifemichelle Do you have a battered women’s shelter to contact they provide counseling and are also a great resource for all forms of trauma,abuse,shock ect… I am seeing a psychologist at mine and have found it extremely helpful.They will not do anything other than help you. Please think of your children and yourself best to you
katt
Hi Lorraine. I want you to know that I so appreciate all of your responses, it feels so good to have other women validate my feelings and concerns. Do you think my husband stands a chance at recovery?
(Not unless and until HE wants and needs to get well more than anything on this earth. Do I see that happening? No, but I would absolutely love to be wrong.)
When I do talk to a lawyer, what do I tell him?
(EVERYTHING!!! There are lawyers who specialize in cases such as this and believe me, they have heard it all… Perhaps you will feel more comfortable with a female lawyer. They will tell you what you need to bring. Document whatever you can!)
What about custody? Im afraid when we divorce, my husband will get even worse, and then he’ll have visitations with the kids??????
(Talk to Lynn—She’s been through the ringer with the courts. I think it was Lynn, anyway. Court orders honey. Pervs don’t have visitation rights, and he’ll most likely be in prison soon, anyway.)
I wanted to also say, that when I have approached my husband in the past about his problem, he tells me I have jealousy issues and I dont handle jealousy well.
(SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO??? sorry… who doesn’t handle jealousy well? He’s just diverting attention away from the REAL problem— HIM!!! grrrrrrr…)
The scary part is, sometimes he has believing that crap. I guess when I try to minimize, I think, maybe you are just jealous, all the women he approaches are around 21 years old, youre in your early 30?s, hes in his late 30?s, maybe if you were 21 again, hadnt had children so the body of a 21 year old. Thats when I know I need to get help, because I have lost perspective of the big picture and what this is really about.
(Yes, indeed, you have Michelle, but it is perfectly understandable because who can see the forest for the trees? I’m pushing 55 now, and let me tell you— Men of ALL ages from 19 (I know…let’s not go there, lol) on up bombard me, if I’m engaged in online dating.(which I’m not, at present) And I mean—BOMBARD. You are a very YOUNG woman. What’s going to happen when you are in your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s…???)
But aside from younger women, who are just easy marks as they are young and “dumb”, he has sex with men which would be a deal breaker for me… AND, he is engaging in felonious sexual behavior which could put him in prison for quite a while.
He is refusing to get help and the only thing that will happen is that he will get worse and worse and worse, but again NOT your problem. Let the courts deal with it.
You have protections and Katt had excellent advice, too.
Just keep telling yourself that you are one fabulous woman and you and your children deserve better.
L
What ever he likes to do is okay as long as it doesn’t disrupt you and your children’s life. You have to try and talk with him about how he would feel if his children and friends knew about what he does. If you get a negative reply, then try hiding a camera and taking some pictures of him cross dressed and acting like he wants too and kinda blackmail him.
Or you can just tell him you have some pictures of him and hid them, even if you don’t and if he doesn’t start acting the way he should or at least start talking about this situation, then you will expose him to his friends. This one really does work.
Then if you still don’t get any results, then leave him. But let him know that if you leave, you will expose him to everyone, which you should anyways cause the next women should know how he is before marrying him.
Holy shit. What a garbage piece of advice. This is likely one of the most horrid pieces of advice I’ve seen.
So, your husband has some weird (okay very weird) fetishes. For the love of whatever you pray to, do not treat something he can’t really control with blackmail, judgment, and personal threats. I can’t believe that has to be said. If yo can’t stand it, go to couple’s counseling to find out what can be done. If the answer is nothing or just not sufficient, then just leave.
God, what a fucking awful piece of advice. That suggestion was worse than the sexual behavior because it suggests being purposefully deceptive, malicious, and manipulative. I know I’m late to the ballgame here. However, what the actual fuck, Jenny?