Have you ever heard someone say ‘I’ll try’?
For years, and even occasionally now, those dreaded words would spout forth from my Sexually Addicted husband.
Just what does ‘I’ll try’ mean? It could mean that he’s maybe going to make an effort. It could mean that he knows he can’t but doesn’t want to face that fact. Or it could mean ‘I know I can’t but I have to say something’.
Think about it. Those words are so meaningless. In fact, let’s do a little exercise. Please, read on and just follow my instructions.
Stand up.
Sit down.
Stand up.
Sit down.
Try to stand up.
???????????????????????????????????
I know.
Huh? How do you try to stand up? Do you make the effort? Do you think about it? Do you stand up now or later?
It’s so ambiguous. It’s a weasel word. And, we should not accept it from our spouses or partners.
‘I’ll try’… to stop viewing porn, to stop seeing hookers, to go to my meetings, to learn to communicate better, to find a counselor, to get better, is not a commitment. It oozes options. It’s either I will or I won’t. There is no gray in action. You either do it or you don’t. It seems so strange to me that these totally black and white thinking Sex Addicts have such middle of the road gray areas when talking to us.
I just felt like sharing my random thoughts today. Love you all.
Just love this post! Completely on the money! Thanks for posting it.
Yes it is so true. I got the I’ll try words just last night so this post rings true. I just put my boundaries together based on your ebook. I also gave him a list of requirements tow of which we he must go to one meeting and see his therapist once a week. He says “I’ll try”. Go figure.
He is already coming up with excuses of how this will be difficult for him with his schedule.
Good post!
I hear this about EVERYTHING, not just the SA stuff. I am at this place right now that I ask for details. How will you try? What will your goals be? How can we measure them? So far, this has been somewhat achievable with the SA stuff, but on the other stuff…well, you have to be vigilant and keep them to their word.
Don’t you all get tired? I get so tired, and I stick my head in the sand and let things go until I can’t take it anymore. It isn’t the right way to handle things, but I struggle to keep my head above water every day, sometimes I can’t think about what he isn’t doing.
Hi Jessie,
I’m with you sister. I just can’t give him any more of my energy. Every piece I give him seems to be ground up and somehow ends up coming back at me.
Living apart has enabled me to recover myself. I remember who I am, who I was, before his addiction started twisting my life half turn by half turn. I feel familiar now. I recognize myself and am glad to see i hadn’t gone away for good.
This is the biggest boundary I could have made. I can’t go back to the insanity. And as along as he serves it up, we aren’t together. It is torture to see him at his best one visit, and then crazy the next.I don’t have the emotional/psychological stamina to last much longer. But I also know I have to do this my way. I have to know for sure that each choice I make was made towards an abundant life–not just an escape route, or the 30 year old default setting.
But still I ache, and always will. I know that much. Feeling a little melancholy today. thanks for some company.
D.
I’m “trying” not to break up with him. I’m trying because being with him is harder than being without out him. I guess that’s what he means when he says he’s going to try to stop checking out escorts – it’s that hard. Life without his addiction is too hard for him to imagine. I get it – it’s like trying to stand up with two broken legs – you might not be able to do it yet, it might hurt too much, it might be too scary, maybe you like being wheeled around by pretty nurses.
He’s broken so he can only try but I also know when he says try and then catches himself and says “I will stop…” that means he’s likely already relapsed. Of course, mine doesn’t have an addiction so it’s not really a relapse.
Diane, it’s so wonderful to hear you have recovered yourself- that’s my fondest hope that I find the me I was before his craziness. I’m sorry it tortures you to see him. I know that aches do get better with time. Wishing you a happy tomorrow!
And the CLASSIC one which got dished out to me..I will try to tell you the truth always.
I am yet “trying” to make sense out of that one.
Whenever you speak anything , even just a single word, its either the truth or its a lie.
Whats there to try about that?
Its this ambiguity about everything that could rip apart their mask that is so frustrating.
They have a razor sharp mind when they want to spin stories to you so that they can pander to their addictions.
The same mind becomes wobbly , indecisive, hazy and vague when it comes to giving up their addictions.
Its all an act to buy time as they fervently hope that once again with the passage of time your hurt at the the lies and betrayal would become a little blunt and you would somehow carry on as you did before.
To buy time so that they can again do their love bombardment and make you feel on top of the world to bring you crashing down in a week , a fortnight or max a month.
All that they are TRYING to do is suck you back into their crazy world.
Somebody explain to me why we stay with them?