Thank you so much for your website. I’m only a few weeks into finding out the truth about my husband’s Sex Addiction, so I’m still in the shock phase.
I met J a little over 2 years ago at a local hospital; he was a nurse and I was a volunteer on the weekends. For months, we talked and flirted and eventually he asked me out. I was a couple years out of an 8 year relationship and had finally gained all my confidence and independence back. J and I were totally completely honest about our pasts (at least I thought so). I knew from day one about his struggle with alcohol and drugs but he had just gotten his 4 year sobriety chip and attended weekly AA meetings with his sponsor.
I fell hard and fast for J. He would leave flowers on my doorstep, pick me up from work (even though I lived only a few blocks away), take me out all the time. He seemed so genuine and happy. I met all of his friends and loved them all. He charmed and won over everyone he met, including me. It was perfect. We moved in together officially after 5 months of dating, were engaged after 6, and married almost exactly one year after our first date.
Our first year of marriage brought a lot of ups and downs; J lost his job, we lost our dog, we moved cities after I was accepted into medical school, J got a new job (that he loved), we adopted a new dog, and things were starting to really come together by those last couple months.
Then 2 weeks ago, I came into the bedroom after a long evening of studying. J was on his iPhone (the thing was GLUED to his hand at all times) and I noticed he quickly turned off the screen. Nothing big. And there was NO reason for me to suspect anything at all. But for some reason, the next morning I went into his email account. I had NEVER done this before, but something in my gut was telling me that I was about to find something horrible. It took me about 30 sec. of searching through his sent emails to find various emails to people I didn’t recognize. I google searched 3 of them and they all came back as local “escorts.” I was shaking. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke him up and confronted him, “Are you cheating on me?” and of course the answer was no. J swore (and let me say for the record, he SWORE on his dead mother’s grave) that he never had or was having an extra-marital affairs of any sort. I had taken screen shots of the emails, and stored them where he couldn’t delete them. I showed him the emails. He still denied it; someone must have broken into his account, it was SPAM, I heard every excuse in the book. I was so sick that day. At one point I stole his phone when he wasn’t looking and looked through his applications. I found Craigslist and Backpage… both have escort/personal sections… but still it wasn’t “concrete” proof of anything.
He kept reassuring me that it was nothing and I should just drop it. He almost had me convinced…almost. But the next morning, I woke up early with the same feeling in my gut. I went online and went through his phone records…there was the proof. At last 10 calls/texts just from December all to local “escorts.” I woke him up again and just said, “it’s over.” I then asked him if there was anything he wanted to say and all he could mutter was, “I have a problem…” I took a shower, drove to school (it was to be my first day back at med school after winter break) and I went to see a school counselor. He got me appointments to get bloodwork done and also encouraged me to take some time away from school to process.
I went to my parent’s house and cried, puked, and cried some more. How could something so perfect be so horribly f*cked up? After multiple phone calls to the school counselor and even the dean, I decided to return and try to go back to school. After all, this has been my lifelong dream and at 31, I’m not getting any younger. I asked J to be out (he is currently living at a hotel) and now I am managing a 3BR, 2 ba house by myself and I am also taking care of our pets.
I am SO confused. I asked J to tell me the truth and I asked how many, how long. He said 2 1/2 years (so before we started dating) and over 30. How could this have been going on our entire relationship? How could I not see any signs of this? What am I supposed to do now? I KNOW that I should walk away. I KNOW that. But the truth is he made me the happiest I’ve ever been. But then was that really him at all?
Looking back, I feel like there were little signs that should have been red flags:
-I swear I saw him looking at personals on Craigslist but I didn’t say anything
-He had no boundaries with people. He was constantly getting other girl’s phone numbers and adding them on Facebook. I thought nothing of it — I really trusted him with all my heart. There was always some explanation — they were a girl in his class (he is studying to be a NP), a girl he worked with, someone he met who wanted to be a nurse… etc, etc.
-Our sex life was seriously lacking. At first, it was amazing, but it dropped off very fast. We didn’t have sex for 2 weeks before or after our wedding, including the wedding night. But again, there was always an excuse — anti-depressants, he’s tired from work, he has trouble with libido, etc. etc.
I do not blame myself because I know no one should have to police or monitor their significant other. This just sucks to no end. I wish there was a fast forward button so I could see what’s going to happen and I can start down that path right now. J texts and emails me at least once a day saying how sorry he is, how he has been to a therapist and attended SA meetings. I do believe he’s doing that but I can’t get over the fact that he has lied to me throughout our entire relationship. I feel like everything between us was a huge sham. I’m at a loss.
Please help.
Joann I have a question. Is it illegal for my sa husband to hire prostitutes and take risk of contracting aides then having unprotected sex with me? Feels like attempted murder to me! Any idea? Ty
Unfortunately not. There are too many ‘maybes’ here.
If a person knows that they have HIV and they have unprotected sex without disclosing their illness, then you might have a case. But having unprotected sex with a prostitute, however risky that is, and then having unprotected sex with others is not a punishable crime.
I understand your feelings, I have been in that position. It stinks, but it is not something you can prosecute. Sorry.
I say with out a doubt leave before you have any children. Leave. I wasn’t as fortunate as you to have discovered my husbands SA until 7 years and two children into our marriage. After the first discovered affair I gave him a second chance. We did marriage counceling and he did one on one counceling. Now a year later I just founf proof again of affairs, this time 2. He claims they aren’t sexual but come on… So now I am a stay at home mom with 2 young children and am in a really scary place. I hope you don’t end up here.
i just read this post after being up all night reading somethimg I accidentally found on the iPad. Five years of profile and messages of my husband propositioning people on a fetish site and hooking up with local people. I don’t know what to do. He is very smart and manipulative. I am smart too but I never would have thought so much. He had cheated in the past but was making a commitment to change along with counseling. I feel so stupid. Worse is we have 2 beautiful kids who adore him. I am afraid. I know in court it would be he could get to see him. I don’t trust his judgement now. What if he left them with someone I didn’t know or invited one of these people to his place while kids were there. I copied pasted and saved every conversation from the website to a safe photo save account. I don’t know what to do. I have to keep being normal so he doesn’t catch on and leave and try to ask for custody of the kids. He is so eloquent and an actor.
I also discovered my children’s father hiring transsexual escorts for years now. I am beyond traumatized. My story is a mix of everyone’s. I still don’t know the truth. He has sought no help. Only admitting that he is a sex addict. Would love a group or someone to talk to.
Hi Qclady, I am so sorry for your pain. The Sisterhood of Support offers a safe, private support system where you can ask questions, share your story and find resources, answers and benefit from the wisdom of women who have experienced the trauma of a deceitful relationship. Please consider giving it a try. To find out more click here. Hugs, JoAnn
Ty
Numb
I don’t know if ne one has suggested this to u but I’ve been doing the same as u and a book called “don’t call it love” helped me to realize the truth about a helpless situation. I’m very sorry that u had to go thru this but I agree with last comment run while ur young and no children. Sorry
There kind of is a fast-forward button. It’s on SOS, the sister site to this, where you can read about what living with a sex addict after discovery looks like. You can meet women who have been battling this for years–women like me, who have thrown good years after bad. For 40 months, I have stuck around, hoping for the best, being supportive, trying to heal myself with no help from the man who hurt me. The qualities (issues) that allow them to lead a double life, to betray those closest to them, to put themselves before everyone and everything else, are the same qualities that make it impossible for them to repair the damage they’ve caused. They lack the one thing that’s necessary for true human connection and love: empathy. To develop it would take an enormous amount of time and effort, and we’re talking about men who’ve spent their lives trying NOT to feel connected to others. So. Here are two things I know: A) I, personally, have never met a woman who has stayed with her SA and is truly happy, and B) I’ve never met a woman who divorced her SA and regretted it.
I am reading this today 3 years after you wrote it but it is helping me. thank you
I am grateful for the “to the point” advise and experience. I know in my situation its very hard for me to just let go. I am madly in love but still only engaged. When I met him he gave me hope and promise and was so enamored with me, he wanted to be with me every moment. He doted on me and convinced me that my happiness was his happiness. I found out very soon into the relationship of his colored I’ll say past. He was open about his conquests, experience, casual nature of many many sexual encounters, including a rather hefty list of cheating on ex’s. I know what you are going to say and yes I had more than just red flags I had bells whistles sirens fireworks but was willing to ignore them on just his words and promises. “Baby that was before you! You are the only woman that I’ve truly loved I don’t even think about or want to cheat or lie or stray” damn I’m all that and he’s so in love with me I made him stop, wow he loves me so much of course I believe him, it really was all very flattering. Fast forward to now and I am a shell of the strong woman I was. I hurt everyday! I cry everyday! He’s defensive about everything. He’s accusatory to me always. He says I’m monitoring the or he doesn’t have to tell me everything he’s doing or ask permission. He can’t understand its out of care and respect you want to keep them informed not out of obligation! He cant empathize or relate. i’m having the hardest time letting go even when i know hes not being honest even when i dont think i can bare anymore hurt. Ive never really been good at radical acceptance and like i said im madly in love with the person he is under it all the person i used to see everyday before my world started crumbling. I want to say everything was done to put the pieces back together before i had to concede defeat. But on the same note i dont believe the sad and hurt will ever be repaired. I’m completely broken and don’t believe he ever intends on working on putting the broken pieces back together.
We accept the love we think we deserve. I stay because I don’t deserve any better. I’m so sorry you hurt but it’s not too late for you. Get help for yourself so you have the strength and self worth to leave.
To all you ladies out there who are in this same awful predicament. I found out my husband was seeing escorts when I was 6 months pregnant with identical twin girls. He said it was “fantasy…an escape from the stress of being newly married, pregnant, new house etc”. He said it would never happen again and that he loved me. I was too scared to b on my own with twins and I loved him so much that I gave him another chance. It was a huge mistake. Now my girls r 19 months old and he is still lying and cheating and spending our money on these women. It is an addiction. I am a doctor and have worked so hard to get where I am. Now I have 2 beautiful girls to worry about. He is on a work trip and I just found out he has lied about where he is staying. Not a good sign. I am done. The girls and I deserve so much more. All us loving,faithful wives and moms deserve better. I have to walk away from this. In my heart I know it will not change. Thank you for your blogs. Because of you and my wonderful supportive twin sister and her husband I will get through this. My advice to miss engaged. If you get married it will b the biggest mistake of your life.
Cam,
I am not sure if you are married yet but I hope you have at least postponed the wedding. This will not get easier. I already posted a comment about my situation. I was pregnant with twins when I found out about my husbands secrets. I also had a husband who was open about his past sexual encounters and wish so much I would have delved into his past. He told me that he had been with over 100 women and that he would buy their tickets to hawaii etc and they would hang out for the weekend. I assumed he had met them through friends or his travels and never imagined it would be escorts found on the internet. He is like your husband. Promised counseling and that he would never do it again. He was so sad and distraught when he thought he was losing me but now he tells me “it was in the past…get over it”. He acts like counseling is just for me and lacks all empathy. He gets upset when I check his phone and email and says it is an invasion of his privacy. If his actions were in the past them maybe I could have started to heal. But, since I first found his internet site (seeking arrangements.com) I have caught him looking at escorts on line while vacationing in Hawaii with our daughters, lying about where he is and spending time with other women and the last straw was right after we had sex I saw his phone light up. I looked over and a woman had sent him a picture of her abdomen with sexy panties on. I am exhausted both mentally and physically. My esteem is in the toilet. I am a professional woman who works hard for her family. After our twin daughters I got back into great shape and have never deprived him of sex. I am a great mother. I realize something after reading the blogs on this site. I have been thinking this entire time that it is me…was he not attracted to me? Now I realize that it is him. He will never change because he can’t even fathom the pain he has put me through. He lacks all empathy and therefore will continue doing whatever he wants. I don’t want to be the woman who stayed with the man who cheated. I am leaving him. So my dear. Please look at your holding cards. It won’t get easier for you.
Hi Allison – Your story rings true for most of us. The fact your husband is seeking counseling after being caught may not be a good sign. In my experience, most of them do so in an attempt to save the marriage. SA’s are very dependent and want to maintain a reasonable facsimile of a “Normal” marriage-it makes THEM feel normal. But, isn’t it like having their cake and eating it to?All of us on this site, as well as the Sister site, have been through the same thing.
Your husband has portrayed a false persona-he is not the man you thought he was. Most SA’s are Mr. Personality, can charm you like you have never been charmed, pursue you like you have never been pursued, and everyone thinks they are wonderful. It is like “come into my web said the spider to the fly.” Once they have you hooked, everything changes. These guys do not have the ability to form close relationships, and their entire life is getting that “high” from everyone but you.
This h of yours is very sick, and it will take years of counseling for him to learn to manage his addiction. I say manage, because once an addict always an addict-A cure is not in the cards. Pre-supposing he is serious about recovery, and I doubt that he is at this point, you have years ahead of you wondering if he is slipping or relapsing. The trauma you will suffer is unbearable. An SA is in denial for a long period of time, and even though they say they want to get better, it is much more comfortable for them to continue in the addiction-that is a comfort zone for them.
You are young. I would cut your losses, get counseling for yourself to deal with this tragedy you are dealing with, move on with your life, and do not put yourself in the position of having to always wonder. The lies most certainly will continue, and you will NEVER know if your h is telling the truth or not. They are master’s of the game in manipulation. An SA usually has a underlying personality disorder that also has to be dealt with, because the addiction is only a symptom of a deeper problem and is a life-long process.
If it were me, I would run and never look back, but then you have to do what is right for you. I just spent 3 years in a marriage/relationship with an SA and I can tell you it is a rocky road. I have most recently separated from him for the 3rd time and a divorce is pending. I can tell you, most certainly, that a leopard does not change it’s spots. These 3 yrs. have been hell, and I developed a bad case of ptsd. It was taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. Don’t let that happen to you. It is not worth it.
Good luck to you, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sharron
Allison—Your story resonates with me as my husband was dually addicted to alcohol and was in AA at the time we met. His sobriety in that program and the seriousness with which he adhered to it was one of the reasons I felt he was legitimately open to me and cared about me. The betrayal I felt at the time he told me of his sex addiction—15 years into the marriage—was compounded by the solid belief I had in his “working the program”; the proof being that he maintained his sobriety from alcohol, went to meetings, had a sponsor etc. But somehow in the twisted logic of the SA brain, “practicing these principles in all our affairs” did not include admitting to or being honest with me about the sex addiction. He was able to compartmentalize that. Absent children I’m not sure I would have stayed—and I guess that’s what I’d advise you to think about. As with my husband, yours married you under false pretenses and despite whatever degree of “acting out” that entails—in my case “only compulsive masturbation” which is the SA equivalent of “it’s only beer” to the active alcoholic—the underlying deception and manipulation is the same. It’s very difficult after years of sexual addiction imprisonment to make it on the “outside”. The years behind bars are what formed him. I can’t describe the essence of the addiction better than the following quote:
“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself…After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.” -C.S. Lewis
I’m really sorry about the mess you’ve found yourself in. You’re not alone. And you’re in for a long bumpy ride.
Your addict has crossed the line to physical contact. It is VERY hard for them to come back from that. Yes he has a serious problem – one which he may not fully understand either – but the base of it is selfishness. Actually I call it self centeredness – he’s only interested in getting his needs met and anyone else be dmnd.
You are young and not far into this marriage yet. Please – no kids, plan on a year’s separation at the least, let him have the time to work on his stuff and you focus on you – your school, your life. Get a smaller place asap as you are going to be in this for a while.
You may see him going to counseling and sa, but right now it’s only a bandaid to try to win you back. He has no plans to change immediately. Add to that the fact that since he’s now done this to you/against you put you in a position to contract an STD or worse and that he’s now used to how easy it is to find a prostitute… he will have this problem for life. He may not act on it, but it will always be in the back of his head – and yours.
Consider what it’s going to be like to deal with this for life. Relapses, and the self centeredness will manifest itself in other ways in your life too. I’m not an advocate of moving on – I”ve been with my husband for 10 years now (and seen little change) but in your case you really might be better off cutting your losses. If anything don’t give his feelings consideration in the decisions you need to make in your life right now. And if you stay remember – minimum of 1 year separation.
Hi Allison,
Leave, run, never look back. Get counseling to help you deal with the emotional damage he has caused, and get on with your life. I have been married to a sex addict for 25 years. I found out at the 23 year mark. I stumbled onto his stash of computer porn. I now look back over my 23 year marriage and realize it was all a lie. ONCE AN ADDICT, ALWAYS AN ADDICT. You will never be able to trust him. Never. My “husband” has been sexually sober for a couple of years, sober from alcohol for a year, attends regular AA meetings, etc. He had a tooth go bad. Had two root canals, two rounds of antibiotics and two rounds of Vicodin. I helped the dentist pull the tooth last Sunday before he went on vacation. The dentist gave him percocet. I asked him about his pain and where his meds were, and he said: “To tell you the truth, I don’t know.” That’s called anticipatory bolstering. Whenever someone starts a sentence with “To tell you the truth” you know what follows is BULL SHIT. I now suspect he has a budding addiction to pain meds.
Stop the insanity. Get on with your life. Don’t waste it waiting for him to get his poop in a group. It ain’t gonna happen.
My best to you, Betty
This is truly a sad story and it is sad to say that this situation happens all too often. Obviously, everyone’s specific situation is different, but the overall event that has taken place and the overall affect is the same. I completely understand the torn feelings involved, but I also know that people can really change and once they break a habit, or an addiction, or a problem it is possible for them to move on a never look back. Having said that, I don’t blame you for just moving on and leaving him. It is just has hard for you to overcome the things he has done as it is for him to overcome them. It is a hard, grueling, frustrating process which will require tears, sadness, and patience. Good luck to you and all that are facing similar trials.
I’m 50 years old. I found his stash when I was 47 and had been married and faithful to him for 23 years. He’s been a bastard throughout. I’ve hauled him to marriage counseling from a Christian perspective, from a secular perspective, forced him to go to another Christian counselor and SA when I found the porn, and most recently, forced him through rehab for alcohol when I came home on a Sunday afternoon to find him falling down drunk.
I realize I’ve wasted my life. I don’t want to see anyone repeat the mistakes I’ve made. The best advice we can give to any young woman is to RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get out. The chances of true recovery are so slim it does not warrant staying in the relationship for one precious nanosecond. These “men” are messed up beyond belief. They lie pathologically. It will take decades and thousands in therapy to “fix” him. I don’t have that time to waste. No woman should waste any portion of her life on a “maybe, someday.” Pfft.
I just finished reading your book. In the prevention section you recommend nurturing true intimacy to immunize your family against porn addiction. I think that will work for children, but not grown men who enter relationship with intimacy anorexia. Intimacy anorexia comes first. Sex addiction is a means by which to medicate the pain associated with intimacy anorexia. You can’t cure sex addiction by “making them” be intimate. They don’t know how and they’d really rather give up their right arms than engage in intimate conversation.
I really don’t think you understand this very well.
Hi Mark
I am a Psychiatric Nurse, thoroughly knowledgeable about the struggles with sex addiction, and currently separated for the 3rd and final time from my SA h.
I respect your opinion, and appreciate you answering, however am certainly not in agreement with your ideas.
First of all, you seem to lump addiction, a habit, or problem all in one category. An addiction is a life-long process usually accompanied by a personality disorder. A habit can be broken, as can minor problems one would incur in attempting to cope with issues bestowed upon us-sex addiction cannot be cured.
When you say that a person can overcome an addiction and move on is only partially true. Unfortunately, sexual addiction is plagued with only a 5% recovery rate. It is well documented that a person can learn to manage their addiction, but a cure is not in the cards. Even if one is fortunate enough to learn to replace the addiction with “healthy” activities and mindset, the risk of slips and relapses over the years is quite high. An addict may strive to live a healthier life-style, but the addicted brain is always there. The neuro transmitters are programmed towards addiction, and even the years it would take for psychotherapy,is not, in my opinion, psychologically healthy for a spouse to continue the relationship/marriage.
Why would we want to have to continually worry about slips/relapses? Why would we have to strive for years to stay with a man who is incapable of intimacy, and only sex on a superficial level. Since sex addiction is an intimacy disorder, it is highly unlikely a spouse will ever reap the benefits of time put in on such a dysfunctional relationship. We deserve more.
I believe the problem does not lie in forgiving and forgetting as much as it does living with an unrealistic idea that our husband’s can be cured. My h had both of his therapist’s tell him he will always struggle, to some degree, with his addiction, and they would work with him on a healthy approach to manage it. They also warned of struggles and urges that can re-appear down the road. I am thankful to see that the Psychiatric community is approaching sex addiction with a realistic approach.
So, with knowing there is only a 5% rate of cure with sex addiction, and years and years of counseling to even get to the point of managing it, I cannot understand why any woman would endure such a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship/marriage. I for one do not-life is too short.
I would be interested in knowing if you are a recovering sex addict.
Thanks for your input.
Well said, Sharron!
Sharon,
i’m confused by what constitutes, sex addiction, porn addict and a husband who let’s say subscribes to playboy or who looks at images online….am i just in denial? i’m recently married and am finding that much of what many of the woman are saying are true for me as well. i had a great sex encounter for months when i first started to date my husband, then things really almost came to a halt…i remember him saying to me, “i could almost live without having sex, couldn’t you?, I just like holding you close”…and i was like…”no, not really, i like holding you close too, but i really like being with you physically.” i knew he had a life where he had been with many women. he told me he wanted to change. he is a recovering alcoholic and is a very kind, giving, generous man. everyone thinks i’m the luckiest woman in the world, but if they only knew what it is really like to not have your husband kiss you, make love to you…even just touch you.
i don’t know what to do. i’m in good shape, but i think he is attracted to woman younger, fuller figured, i don’t even know if it is about that? i’m totally confused. i will say this, when i act like i need him less, he responds to me more…and i know when he has looked at his magazines or been on the web sites, because he then is always saying repeatedly, “i love you, i love you so much…thank you for loving me”
i have no idea what i should do. it sounds like there is no hope. i’d like to know if anyone has had any luck in and can also define if there spouse is actually an addict if they are not actually physically cheating outside of the marital bed.
thanks. and i appreciate the courage and honesty of those who have already shared. i have cried so many tears and have felt so lost…thanks.
Please, please, do not use this comment area as a forum. The Sisterhood of Support is for that. This site just does not have enough bandwidth for back and forth conversations and it will stop working once I have reached my bandwidth limit for the month.
Annie, I know you are hurting and confused. If you would like to try the Sisterhood online support group you can get more information here:
http://sisterhoodofsupport.com/subscribe
There is a podcast that I put together that you can listen to and get all the details.
Much love and light ~ JoAnn
Can anyone shed some light on the often mentioned circumstance of the SA continuously avoiding having sex with you? Is it related to guilt, fear of STD transmission or perhaps an issue related to fear of emotional intimacy? Any insight into this topic would be helpful as I too have been perplexed by an SA who appears to been driven to have sex with ABM (anybody but me)
Bravo Betty and Sharron. I couldn’t agree with the two of you more!
Please note that if you hover of Mark Kastleman’s name there is a link attached which is for a site called Candeo. Sorry Mark, but whatever it is that you are selling, its not allowed on here. This is a site for PARTNERS of addicts, not treatment for addicts and certainly not for people trying to link their sites to this one in order to make themselves more popular for search engines and therefore more apt to reap financial gain. ugh. gross. And besides, you cannot possibly understand our feelings. So, please refrain from further comment.
Thanks Holly, that slipped right by me. Candeo is a support website for Sex Addicts. I have removed that link as I do not allow links on this site that I have not personally approved.
As for the conversation, I am going to leave it here as I think the women’s responses here are important. And, thank you Sharron and Betty for your comments.
There are so many websites out there for Sex Addicts, but only a few for partners. We just want our own place for discussion and support. We hear enough from the SA’s point of view from our SA partners, we really don’t need any more of that type of input here. We have heard, seen and read it all. ~ JoAnn
Great homework Holly-I figured it was something like that.Mark gives himself away with his
skewed philosophy of addiction. He may not be selling or advertising something, but he certainly
comes across as a very narrow minded man who is either ignorant or clueless on the subject of
an SA’s journey in fighting and learning to manage his addiction.
Thanks for the post,
Sharron
Holly-Just want to add – I am not computer savy, so don’t know anything about links and
search engines. If that is the case, Mark – GO AWAY!
If it’s the real Mark Kastleman, he’s written a book on the subject of porn addiction. I’m reading it now. Can’t say that it is terribly insightful.
We are obviously all well educated, well spoken, well informed about the subject, so he can’t baffle us with bull shit. Bravo ladies!
My best, Betty
Hi Allison,
I am in a similar situation. I discovered the truth about my husband’s sexually compulsive behavior four weeks ago.
We’ve been married for twelve years. At the end of March I went out of town for the weekend with a girlfriend. I came home the night before our 12th anniversary, and things didn’t feel right, there was a weird tension in the house. The next morning after he left for work, I found a way onto his computer and discovered a secret e-mail account. I couldn’t believe what I saw: escort services, online porn, find a sex-friend websites, e-mails to a woman who sends him her used panties, and e-mails to a tranny who he arranged to hook up with while I was out of town. When I confronted him with the evidence, he swore that he hasn’t actually been physically involved with anyone. I don’t know if that even matters to me at this point.
He told me the same thing two years ago when I found out he was having a cyber affair with a coworker. I was just starting to trust him again after the affair, but now I feel like I’ve been punched in the heart. I want so badly to believe him, but I know that he’s lying.
He doesn’t think he’s a sex addict. He told me that men are just wired differently, and are always looking for the next thing to turn them on. He says he had to find a way to satisfy himself because sex with me wasn’t meeting his needs. So according to him, his despicable secrets and lies are all my fault. I don’t even know who this man is that I’ve been living with for the past 12 years.
He has agreed to go to a marriage counselor with me, and at my request he finally told his personal therapist (who he’s been seeing for two years) about his behavior. I don’t know whether I should invest the time and energy into seeing if he can change, or if I should just get out now. After reading the replies on this site, I’m thoroughly discouraged about what our future will look like.
For now something stops me from leaving. Maybe it’s just that I don’t know how to take the first step out the door. During a recent fight, when I found evidence of yet another secret e-mail address, I told him to get out, and he refused. So now at least I know that I will have to be the one to leave. It feels completely overwhelming to me that I will have to find a new place to live, pack up my things and move. Right now I can’t even get out of bed most mornings. I’m getting very little sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. I’m trying to keep it together at work. Several times a day I have to take a break to go out to my car and cry. I don’t want anyone to know my horrible secret.
I told him I’d try to stay together and work things out for six months. But actually I’m gathering my resources, and trying to figure out what the next step will be. I’m trying to find a way to detach from the need to fix “us” and just focus on taking care of me. I don’t feel emotionally safe in this relationship, so I’m not telling him that my plan is to leave. My only goal right now is survival. I feel your pain, and I wish you the best. Hopefully someday we will both find a way out of this nightmare.
Hi Kalani,
NONE of this is your fault. Chances are he was sexually addicted before he met you. Just as there is no amount of heroin that is “enough” for a heroin addict, there is no amount of marital intimacy that will satisfy a sex addict. I would go so far as to say the fact that he blamed this on you is diagnostic. Addicts always blame someone else for their problems. It’s part of the justification for using their drug of choice. Please understand that your “husband” is really sick. The man you thought you married does not exist. You fell for a carefully crafted and projected facade. He thought he could continue that by seeing a therapist and projecting the “See, I’m getting better” facade. Well, the mask slipped, didn’t it? My honest advice is to get out. I imagine your head is a blur of thought. Mine was at this stage. At least separate from him, see your doctor and get some meds, and give yourself time and space to sort this out. I’m taking 30 mg of prozac and this is the first time I’ve felt normal since the revelation. Please take care of yourself.
My best, Betty
I forgot to mention, that when I confronted my addict, he blamed the porn on me. I immediately turned it around on him so that the addict could see the stupidity even through the stupor of addiction. I said: “It’s my fault you have nude pictures of girls our daughters age tied up with rope begging to be f*cked on your computer?” Even the addict could see that wasn’t going to fly…….
Kalani,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation… I feel very lucky that I found out so early on in the marriage. J does the same guilt trip behavior with me — as soon as he doesn’t get his way, he throws a fit like a child and says the most hurtful things to me. Things like I am responsible for the demise of the marriage because I’m the one not willing to work on it; that I haven’t been a “decent” human being by asking him to move out; that I’m trying to milk him for his money (because I’m on his health insurance), the list goes on and on. You are being emotional abused, please gather the courage to get out!
Being removed from the situation and looking back on everything you have to realize that this is ALL their problem. They are sick. They are master manipulators. I’m living out of my friends basement, out of boxes and it is honestly the happiest I’ve felt since finding out the secret almost 5 months ago. I had to leave my pets behind and I get sad about the situation but in comparison, it’s better this way. My counselor told me early on that the ONLY way that I would free myself from the situation was to remove myself… I tried staying in the house and getting him to move out and I felt like I would prove her wrong only to be hurt more and more by J.
I totally understand the feeling of “survival” and I’m still in that mode. If you haven’t already, please please see a counselor and your doctor. I was prescribed 2 different anti-depressants (which I was against before) and they have saved my life. I am able to function, sleep, and seeing a counselor has helped me realize my options and getting me to once again take control of my life.
Stay strong. You can do this.
Kelani-He tells you that is just how men are wired??? I don’t think so! I have had men tell me that is “just how God made us.” I told them, “God didn’t make you that way, you made yourselves that way.”
Then, your husband tells you he is doing these things because you are not meeting his needs. That is so typical of an SA – to project their problems onto the spouse. You are not meeting his needs because his addiction is getting in the way. He cannot relate to you on an intimate level-he only gets his kicks from
deviant sexual encounters-no matter what that entails.
Your h is into some pretty heavy stuff. My advice to you leave and separate for awhile. When you are suffering physical and emotional trauma, the time is to take care of #1. If you are not ready to make a firm decision right now, leave and clear your head.You are right, you can’t fix this addiction of his.
My guess is that he just agreed to see a therapist to placate you. This is typical of an SA-to try and hold onto their marriage because it gives them a sense of normalcy. Your h is still in denial that he has a problem and he needs a wake-up call! Don’t keep putting yourself in harms way. Your husband has years ahead of him if he chooses to take the road to recovery. I don’t seem him doing that anytime soon. If you take a trial separation, you may very well find out what he is made of.
Good luck, and hugs to you.
Sharron
I agree with Betty. Sexual anorexia is such a big part of sex addiction. My h was never interested in sex. I would always have to initiate it, and if he did have any desire he said it was only about every 3-4 weeks. He was able to perform sexually with me (most of the time) with the help of Levitra, but if on a rare occasion he would show some intimacy he would spend the next 3-4 weeks pushing me away and sabatoging the marriage.
You can not solve the problem of SA in trying to maintain intimacy. The SA does not know how to show it. You can work on it until pigs fly, but they will continue to push you away, because intimacy is a foreign word to them.
Once my h realized what the term sexual anorexia meant, he would go through the motions of a quick hug, kiss, or putting his arm around me, saying I love you, etc. But it was all very mechanical and quite obvious he was just going through the motions.
If a woman is to expect intimacy from an SA-give it up. They have underlying personality disorders in addition to the sex addiction, (which is usually a symptom of) and it will take years to even scratch the surface.
Sharron
Exactly Sharron! You can work on it until pigs fly. They will never understand. I’ve described intimacy anorexia as a type of blindness. Asking an intimacy anorexic for true intimacy is like asking a blind person to describe the color red. They just can’t do it. And Sharron…..you used the word “mechanical” to describe their actions. Again, that is dead on accurate. It’s as if they are operating a machine when they try to show love. It’s not genuine, it’s mechanical.
My best, Betty
Thank you all SO much for your replies. I had originally written this back in February and I’m happy to report that I’m doing so much better.
I started going to counseling and through the help of my WONDERFUL counselor and support of my school, I decided to keep my distance and let J prove his actions and what he was capable of. In the time since, he has done absolutely NOTHING in his favor to show me he is willing to change. I am seeing so clearly now the ways of his manipulative behaviors; one minute I get this lengthy email apology and when he doesn’t hear what he wants from me, he does a 180 and begins saying extremely hurtful things to me. Mid-march he demanded that he move back into the house (his name was on the lease, too) so I rallied my wonderful friends who got me packed up and moved in 3 days time. I’m crashing with a friend until I have the time and means to get my own place, but it’s AMAZING how much better I feel being out of the situation — he has no clue where I am.
The hardest part for me recently has been talking to extended family and friends about what has happened. A few very close friends of mine know the story but a majority of people (such as my classmates) just have heard rumors that I’m getting a divorce. I have had people even come up to me and make comments like, “I know how hard medical school is on relationships” and I just want to scream that it had NOTHING to do with me or med school. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle explaining to others? Or do I just let it go?
A couple weeks ago I decided to tell my 89 year old grandmother who I am very close to. I had avoided visiting her because I knew it would break her heart and also because I didn’t want to lie if she asked me how the marriage was doing. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still very hard. I’m hoping that the road will start to look a little less bumpy and I know in my gut that I am moving in the right direction.
I can’t thank this website enough and everyone’s stories and advice for helping me along this terribly difficult path.
xoxo
Hi Allison,
I’m so happy for you……glad that you took control and got out!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!
Best, Betty
Re Explaining to others: You know the truth about the addiction and the flawed thinking that accompanies it. I wouldn’t try to explain at any depth. I tend to be a little direct and unequivocal. I would probably say something like: “The divorce has nothing to do with medical school. He couldn’t keep it in his pants. I refuse to accept that in my marriage, so I am divorcing him.” OR while smiling sweetly: “He is an out of control dick on two legs. He fucked anything and everything he could. Continuing in this relationship endangered my physical and mental health, therefore I decided to divorce him.” There’s that unequivocal and direct thing……
I bid you peace……and may you find a decent young man to marry, someone with whom you can enjoy true intimacy.
My best, Betty
Hi Allison,
I am always heartened when a woman understands when its time to get out instead of torturing herself, waiting with the hope that her frog will morph back into the prince he never really was.
As for what to say… well, I’ve said everything from “my husband couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.” (lol-very early on) to this much kinder response which I think explains things in a way that most people will understand and also make you come out looking like a winner. something like this:
“My husband has some wonderful qualities and I still love him, however, he has been leading a double life that I knew nothing about and it was too much for me to handle.”
Everyone knows what the euphemism means; it’ll be enough to satisfy their curiosity and will shut them right up and you’ll get sympathy, too, because of course, its too much for ANYONE to handle.
steep learning curve here! for recovery too! best wishes – Holly
Allison-I am so glad you have made the move, and I wouldn’t be at all shy about calling a spade a spade. Why not just tell everyone exactly what your piece of shit husband did. He doesn’t deserve to have you cut him any slack. He made his bed, now let him lie in it. It is up to him to come up with all the reasons he did what he did. Fuck him! I don’t hesitate to tell my friends and family exactly what happened. They have all been very supportive.
I like holly’s first answer-priceless! But ,if you want to be a little kinder about the whole thing the second answer was good. I’d have to tell all, and it wouldn’t bother me a bit. He deserves it!
You are a strong woman – a lot to be proud of. A lot of us let the SA’s manipulation and promises of change linger too long. I was one of them.
But now, my final decision to stay out has been made, and I couldn’t feel more at peace. In fact, I recently told him I am much happier without him than with him.
Hugs to you,
Sharron
oops-sorry. I got Holly and Betty’s answers mixed up, but they are both great! Go for it, and don’t be too kind about it. I would want to make darn sure everyone undstands exactly what happened. SA’s twist everything and make everyone think WE are the one’s that are crazy- they are justified because their wife didn’t give them what they needed, their wife wasn’t there for them, their wife didn’t understand their needs – You get the drift.If you remember, most of these guys present a persona of “Mr. Good Guy,” and generally everyone thinks they are wonderful. My sister thought Steve was the most wonderful guy on this earth, and told me she never would have believed it if she hadn’t heard it from me.
Nail him to the wall.
he needs you more. trust me.
Excuse me? Needs me more? More than what? Tough shit.
Well, I need a husband to be loyal and honest with me. Oh and not sleep with prostitutes.
Ignore it, Allison.
There is nothing, nothing you can do to fix him. There is no redemptive value is sacrificing your sanity or life for him. He needs to change his own life. There are tons of people and programs who will hold his hand throughout, if he want to get better, he will get better.
Their perceived “need” to have us around has nothing to do healing or overcoming their challenges. In fact, it delays recovery because it provides the comfort and convenience of a handy target, scapegoat, cook, cleaner, income earner, and sucker for the lies.
Hi
My name is sarathi. Marrried for 18 years with two kids. My husband has numerous extramarital affairs and each time in the initially years he agreed to stop but now it is a different story. he wants to move out stating he wants his freedom . I Live in a asian country where divorce is a taboo and i dont want my kids to suffer for a mistake i did by marrying this bastard.
Hi….
I am also suffering and I want to share my problem. After 2 years of very beautiful married life I came to know that my husband had sex with numerous guys. He was almost gay. I am from Asian country and I can’t divorce him because my parents will die if they knew this truth about him. He proposed me and then we got married. I never felt anything wrong with him but when I came to know this truth I just stopped trusting on him. When he knew that I know everything about him , he started clarifying that he hasn’t done anything. I still love him and trying to forget everything and I really believe that he is not doing that shit again.
Ana, I do understand that the Asian culture is such that they cannot tolerate this sort of thing, however, let me ask you this; Would your parents rather die or have you die? Because your husband is exposing you to life threatening illnesses and no, it is extremely unlikely that he is stopping his homosexual behavior. I’m afraid that you are merely his cover. Not saying that he doesn’t have feelings for you, but he’s not on the up and up, and apparently, he’s using you. Your parents may be upset of course,were you to leave him, but they will NOT die of shame and I am sure that they too, have made plenty of mistakes. We all do. Consider this too. You will very likely outlive them, and when your parents have passed and you have found that you have sacrificed your own life for them, what will you have left? I am so sorry for your pain.
Ana – Your husband is obviously a homosexual or bisexual. He may or may not have feelings for you. If he does, it is not in the way that you would want him to – with total dedication, intimacy, and love. He is what he is, and he cannot change his preference’s.
You need to get out of this relationship and not worry about what family will think.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but homosexuals or bisexuals do not, and can not change. For some reason, their brain is wired to the opposite sex.
Please leave and put this relationship behind you. There is nothing to look forward to but pain and disappointment.
Why don’t you join s.0.s – Sisterhood of Support. You will find love, support and friendship in this time of need.
Sharron
hi, uhm 2 easter weekend I found about escorts and personal ads and a “massage” parlor. he at the beginning of the weekend shaved “everything” which I never got to enjoy. he said he had to get tools about 8 and didn’t get til midnight I stole his phone and found that whole time he was gone there was calls and texts back n forth to 2 different escort services and that whole weekend had been blowin off the hook with phone calls to personal ads n such…I found about his porn and match sex sites 2 weeks after we had our first born hes now 4 and im 9mths pregnant my due date is tomorrow and we have a 14mth old as well. that first incident I seen in email inbox with a girl that he was meeting her for a date …heres the thing I was still in the hospital with our son from having him he was 2.5hrs late pickin us up to take his new family home..when I confronted him he flippppped I had to call the cops and have him removed he meanwhile called the site and told them someone had made this whole profile about his personal details that no one else would know about but him and scammed him on the internet…anyway I ended up back with him at some point after that we had just moved to newfoundland his home like 2 mths previous im 8000 miles and an ocean away from home now like this. and he knows everything and everyone here. just his family none of mine im a stay at home mom he works 12-16hr shifts as a manager. so after that I started finding porn and profiles and extra email addresses and such which he blew off as and still says is harmless its just porn..i found pics of his “self” on his cell phone and of him all dressed up and he had compared it to a paper toilet tube…yes a toilet paper tube I laughed to after I was done throwing up our son was 2 and I had just found out I was pregnant with our daughter not this one now our 14mth old. there had been little things inbetween that upset me but ill just tell you about the big things for now. then theres always the fact that hes constantly on the cell phone or computer and deletes about 70% of everything. then after that ive found phone numbers from girls clearly their writing with just a name and number he says that they are just clients because he had his own businesses with lawns and fixing appliances…so why would they all be hidden in little spots in the vehicles?..and now there is this…im exhausted I have no one no where to go besides my house he says if I wants a divorce then I have to go the kids stay and he will have the newborn taken home from the hospital and I go to a shelter. I don’t want to be without my kids for a second..and he has said this time that he doesn’t know why he does what he does its just reading material and curiosity he calls and texts to ask about rates n such but that he has and never would ever touch another woman in anyway or havea them touch him but I call bs and he says he never was with that girl when I was in the hospital and you guys can call me insane all you like but if it was that easy for me to stay gone or to go at all it would have been done, I cant figure out wtf to do about anything or where to go from here…he said for the first time to me that he has an addiction to it and cant help it he just does it and so on sat we went to a marriage councellor we had been married for a yr and together for 8yrs by the way im 27 hes 30 and I keep reading that hardly if no one survives this. im broken. escorts…really???? whhhhy…std’s I have to get myself checked now 9mths pregnant and get the new baby checked and when I asked him he was offended I guess because hes so innocent he shouldn’t have to right…im sick with this I feel like as a wife if this “addiction” is actually real and he does need help than I as a wife agreed that I would be there to help if such a thing came up but I also feel like this is not a part of that agreement n it shouldn’t even be a thought but ive got the kids and im about to burst anyday I cant even fight with him because the stress with put me in labor and as much as it wouldn’t really matter now if she came out I don’t want to be a mess bringing a baby into the world blood pressure isn’t good. so…im a mess, please help me…
Oh Corri,
Listen. This man is very, very sick. He’s lying through his not-very-sorry teeth. He’s a sociopath and very dangerous. Yes, everything that comes vomiting out of his slimy mouth is a LIE! Please, I do not know where you are, but you need to seek legal counsel. but if you have no money, you can go to a shelter and they can help you. Call child protective services. Call social services. Just get online and keep calling until you can find someone or an agency who can help you. There is help available and protection. Please make paper copies, if you can of everything. If you cannot do that, then save the evidence to an internet-based email address that he knows nothing about like yahoo or gmail. It will be safe there, as long as he does not know the password. You must close it each and every time you add something to it.
I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers as you are about to bring a new life into this scary world. (my son lives in Boston, and is often in that area, but is safe, thank God!) Please know that you are not alone and that there’s help and don’t forget to breathe! Stay strong! ~ K
I am sitting here reading all these posts, and everything that everyone has stated, is something that I’ve said, or felt about my fiancee who I’ve been in a ‘relationship?’ with for 3 years (but have known for 25) There’s been plenty of red flags over the past year and a half, all kinds of things that would probably take me all day to try and sit here and state. AND he is back to using drugs….and has been for a while. But whenever I’d confront him about it in the past, he’d come up with some lame excuse (that I believed) and tell me I was making it all up in my head. We ‘separated’ from living together a few months back, and he now frequently stays in sleezy motels, where there is all kinds of all night activity’s…. including (YOUNG, like 1/3 of HIS age!) hookers lining the streets, gay bars, lots of sleezy motels, etc.etc.etc. A couple days ago, I felt it to listen to his messages on his cell phone. There was (a known of by me, gay) man telling him that he had all the money my fiancee’ needed, and that he was staying in a motel room, and waiting for his ‘cock.’ Yesterday, I did again, and it was a woman, saying she’s been trying to get ahold of him for a couple months, and that she “kinda wanted to party, and she missed his ‘dick'” I have not confronted him with this yet, and really don’t know how to. Previously, I’ve done this, and he said I don’t trust him (duh) and all kinds of other things, that are just too many to type. My questions are… how do I confront him with this information I know? Doesn’t it make me just as ‘sneaky’ as he? and how do I let go, and turn my back, and ‘move on’ from this, away from someone I’ve known(?) for 25 years, and been involved with for the past 3…my heart aches for him, and I feel he is dying and I want to help, but I’m mad/sad/depressed. He ‘got a room’ for US, and wants me to come there, he says because he misses and loves me, and so we can spend the day together, go to dinner, and ‘watch porn'(something I never realized that was really harmful as compared to what I’ve been reading as of late..I liked it too actually..does this make me an addict as well?)And I want to go spend the time with him, as I miss who he was, or maybe who I thought he was? But in my head the voicemails I listened to are just really driving me mad…and I don’t know what to do. He has also requested ‘counseling’ church and left flowers on my car randomly, gosh… it seems like he has really tried sometimes, but then the next day it’s like jekyll and hyde.. Anybody?
Hi there,, I am going through a little of both . I have been with my bf for a few years now, in the beggining there were some red flags like he had slept with alot of women and he would still be hooking up and texting with these people we were not truly together at that time,,we got more serious and decided to actually have a relationship. It was only a matter of time before i found messages from other women i found accounts on a few web sites personal ads,,, and he would profess his apoligies and tell me hes so sorry never do it again blah blah blah…a few more months would go by and then i would find something else. He was totally manipulating me in every way imaginable. This year,we were taking a trip to vegas for 2 weeks, a month before we had a big fight,during the days while we werent talking I came to realize after we had gotten back togther that he was responding to adds on craigslist for transexuals that were coming to our city,,,well needless to say I was completly devastated.I could not get past this at all,,my trip was coming and I still wanted to go. So I figured i would try to put it behind me for the sake of my trip maybe this trip is what I needed..I really loved him ,was always good to him,but always felt that I was getting nothing but a slap in the face, unless of course he was really sorry for something ,then he would be at his best.
We came home from our trip,,,things were ok for a few days,but that changed and we began arguing,which is to be expected I guess I now had alot of things to deal with.
Long story short,,Last month I found more e mails him messaging another transexual coming to town and also men for oral sex….. I am deeply deeply devastated. We have recently broken up again just this weekend past,,,at this moment he working and texting me loves me so much wants to be together ,can he come here after work,blah blah blah………….I have never felt so lost. These things he has done I will never forget ,,but more importantly I will never trust him,,just not possible, I dont see how at all.
Not only do I have women he flirts around with to worry about I also have men and anyone else……I do not know where to talk to someone about what I am going through,,,,I really need some advice…or someone going through this same type of thing to talk to,,Nobody I know understands how I feel.
I know your post is 5 mo old, and I wonder how u’re doing now? Also, I want to tell u that I have been married for 30 yrs. We have 4 children (3 grown) & one teenager, plus 6 grandkids. Our life seemed & felt like the American dream, until 4 yrs ago, when I discovered much of what u discovered. At first, my husband denied, lied & tried to make me out to be a paranoid fool. This went on for awhile. One day out of the blue, when we weren’t fighting, I said, “I wish u would tell me the truth about everything”. Well guess what? He did. He told me that since I had confronted him,a few wks earlier, he knew he had a problem. He was very serious about getting help for his sex/porn addiction. It’s weird, I was happy he told me everything, but it hurt sooo bad, I thought I would die. At first I told him I hated him. The fact is I don’t. I realized that he is not happy with what he’s doing. He has an addiction. He feels sick after everything he does. Well, he got help, I got help, we got help, & we’re working tp put our marriage back together. It isn’t about sex, strange as that sounds. We had a great sex life & I felt loved, though there were vague red flags. One time, when we were out at a restaurant, a young pretty waitress was chatting with us. When she walked away, my husband said to me, “I wonder what a woman her age thinks of a guy like me?” I thought that was an odd thing to say, but I laughed it off as mid-life crisis. Now I see it very differently of course. The fact is, I have learned that this is an addiction, my husband does love me, he hates himself for his behavior, it has nothing to do with me or how he sees me, and he wants to be a good man. We’ve come a long way & are doing well. With proper treatment, you can heal & begin to move forward, but u both have to want this for your relationship. I hope u are doing ok.
Hello, I am curious…I need to know really, have things gotten better, was he able to stop and are y’all doing better together now? I just need to know if there’s a chance that when they say they’re sorry and will stop…if they ever really do.
I haven’t heard of one yet who stopped. They just get better at hiding it. ~ JoAnn
Anna Carrie,
I wrote something but it didn’t go through. Look, its like this. He’s a man-ho, AND a master con artist and and he’s using you because you are of use to him. You make him look good. You turn your back by turning around 180 degrees and walking. No running would be much better.
I am so sorry, but unless you want to possibly get sick and die, I would pack my bags and leave. I wouldn’t bother with the confrontation. Deceitful? Who fuckin’ cares? Like it matters? Look what he’s doing to YOU? Send him a registered “Dear John” (a more apt term, here if there ever was one) letter! no forwarding information. He’s a dangerous man. I would stay far, far away. I’m so, so sorry. Godspeed!
Run!!!! RUN like no bodies business and do not look back. You have so very much going for you. Do not throw it away settling for a life spent monitoring a very sick person. I have lived with a SA unknowingly for 22 years and he has acted out for 17 years, My gut told me many times that something was very seriously off. I finally confirmed that what I had suspected for years was true and I ask him to leave Sept. 2012. I agreed to not divorce him for a year while he does SA therapy which has turned out to be a joke. He continued to lie and could not pass a polygraph test after 13 tormenting disgusting disclosures. He has always seemed like a perfectly honest and humble man and I am by no means the only person deceived by his fraudulent behaviour. The sexual anorexia you describe can be a very real aspect of this SA attachment disorder Withholding sex and emotional intimacy from you is actually often a misogynistic act. It is a way the sex addict can control frustrait, get back at and make you pay for a very infantile primitive rage he has towards his mother or other attachment figure. He is most likely barley conscious of why he does this, yet he is not confused as to how cruel and sadistic it is. On some creepy level he enjoys the fact that you are confused and or frustraited by the seriously lacking intimate life with him. Withholding sex and affection is a very aggressive cruel and confusing manifestation that often accompanies SA and attachment disorders. If you stay you can count on this He will lie to you, He will deceive and torment you emotionally mentally physically and spiritually. He will feel or experience little to nothing real or human regarding his continued violation of you or of the other people that he buys or otherwise uses to meet his obsessive compulsive sexual needs. This quote from Maya Angelo is such wise advice “When someone shows you who they are Believe them” Also I have had wonderful therapy and EMDR has been profoundly helpful in reprocessing this significant trauma of being married to a creepy perverted fraudulent man…. I am healing to levels that are so beautiful and significant.
Martha, I love your posts and insights. One thing, I differ on and hear me out, please… WE think that he is aware that his withholding sex, frustrating us is something that he must surely understands on some level. He doesn’t understand it. He is UNABLE TO. Likewise, he also cannot see that what he’s doing is cruel, demeaning, wrong, sadistic… all the things that you said. A normal person can see he it. He’s not normal.
What I think he sees is what he wants to see… which is that he will hang onto any teeeeeeny tiny thread of a REASON that ENTITLES him to do whatever the fuck he wants.
1) one you refused his advances one time in 1987. (never mind that you had just had a baby and were operating on 2 hours of sleep the night before)
2) you didn’t give him head vigorously enough
3) he’s having trouble getting an erection with you.
He tells himself this is because you are
a) vanilla
b) the passion is gone
c) you don’t have chemistry
I could go on… but y’all get it. He is not that cruel sadistic monster that is one day revealed to us. NO, in his warped mind, he’s a GOOD GUY. And good guys don’t go around hurting women… He “LOVES” WOMEN. Yes, he loves to control, manipulate, tease, taunt, frustrate… and yes, its all about getting back at Mommy who was undoubtedly a controlling, cold, judgmental hag.
He will turn his wife INTO his mother. He will intentionally do things which no woman living with him would be able to tolerate. But he will juxtapose this with just enough “helpfulness” so that he can turn around and say… “see??? look what I do for her???”
When I had my d-day #2 over two years ago… I told certain members of his family… what was going on behind my back.
He said.
“but, Kim… that is between you and me…”
He still says, “I don’t involve the kids in OUR MUCK.”
There is no “our muck.” Its HIS muck. But he cannot see this. His mind cannot let him go there…
My wasband is “gone for the weekend.” He can still barely support himself. I’m sure he’s with someone. Doesn’t he have a right? sure. but why couldn’t he take ME away?
happy wife. happy life?
no, not for these guys.
it’s…
sad wife? well, that’s life… its all about me.
It is so nice knowing I am not the only know going thru this. We are a model family. A military high ranking officer husband, 4 awesome kids, a beautiful house, yada yada…I had suspected something about 8 years ago and he told me I was crazy and insecure. So I believed him. Recently I found out that he looks at escort services and phone chat sites and has even visited these escort services and massage paroles – on business trips and even in our own home town! It is wrong in many ways. It is unbecoming character for a person of his rank and it portrays him as weak as far as being bribed by spies, etc. here’s my dilemma, I could totally bust him. They’d probably go to his work and handcuff him. He would lose his security clearance and probably job. But for some dumb reason I care about the asshole and don’t want to have to see this. But he is such a caniving , demeaning manipulator that he would try to turn it on me if I tried to be civil about it. I know there is no hope for our marriage. i am disgusted when I see him touch our children amd it is hars to look him in the eyes. my heart is completely broken in pieces! I am torn between what is right. I am questioning my morality. Can you believe it? All I ever did was support his man for 22 years in the military. What makes me give a shit about what happens to him? If the tables were turned and he caught me, he would have not one ounce of sympathy. He’d make sure our kids knew the details and he would leave me with nothing! Please someone tell me what is right because I don’t know anymore! Please also let me state that I have been very much into our sexual relationship. In fact, I always want him. I’ve initiated it in restaurant bathrooms, I never pull the headache card. I actually like to make love. So confused, feeling low and ugly.
Jeannie,
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Its a very typical story unfortunately. I do not want to refute anything you said, but please know that a man who’s been engaging in this lifestyle most of his life does NOT hate himself; not really. Is he sincere in his wish to not be THAT man anymore? Only time will tell, but it is rare— for the long haul, that is. If you feel loved, then you ARE loved. and yes, what he was doing has nothing to do with sex or even intimacy. its a chemical fix. that is all and its a high to pull one over on the little missus. However, at what price? What disturbs me is that he did not “realize” that he hated himself until his wife of 30 years got wise to him. In the meantime, he gaslighted you. (made you doubt your reality) which is a form of abuse. I sincerely hope that he can change. It IS possible, but he has to want it more than anything else on this good earth whether he’s married to you or not! My belief is that the change needs to come from ourselves. I wouldn’t expect him to stop, because if he could have, he would have without your cajoling. Please stay in touch and no matter what, I will pray for a good outcome for you both. best, Kim
It has now been a year and a half since I posted my comment in November of 2013. My husband is still doing well, in fact better than I am doing. You see, I still base everything on my calculated mistrust of him. So far, he has been proving himself trust worthy so why can’t I acknowledge anything good that he does? It’s like I don’t want to because of fear of being hurt again. I feel like if I expect only bad things to happen, then I am protecting my heart against potentially deep & painful wounds again. I also sort of feel revengeful in my behavior. Afterall, he deceived me for about 30 years so do I punish him for equally as long? If I do, we will both be in the grave by then. So, is it really worth it? Is it even worth staying with him? He is doing well, and he is doing everything in his power to make amends to me. He appears and feels like a changed man to me. I feel completely loved & it feels sweet to not sense those creepy red flags anymore. But I still can’t let my guard down; I don’t want to be vulnerable in any way. I feel like being vulnerable is equivalent to opening my door to demons and inviting them in. But the most important challange in all this is, do I have the ability to forgive my husband for the wrongs he has committed against me? My honest answer is, I don’t know if I can forgive him because I don’t know if I want to. If I forgive him, am I again allowing myself to be vulnerable to potential pain? The answer is yes. Do you see what’s happening? I have some tough decisions to make but, I am not allowing myself to make any decisions that will cause my heart to be left open and vulnerable. Forgiveness might be almost as difficult as living with an addict. What does anyone think?
I totally understand
I have been married now for almost 39 years. And I look back and it seems like our whole marriage relationship has been a lie. My husband was 1st caught calling sex lines, then computer sex, gay sights and him watching videos, going to adult stores for who knows what…he said he was given oral services for free, gave me crabs and said that they came from the toilet, he showed me that he was bleeding excessively in the toilet and said that he had a bad case of hemmroids. And after my children were adults I found out that while we were on family vacations that he was going during the day to look in the stores….he was visiting supposingly adult stores. Mind you I never though twice about him going while me and the kids had fun in the pool. I could go on and on. He has apologized each time he has been caught and said that he would never do it again. Well…it has been a year since the last incident that i found out about and he says…that all of those feelings are gone that he cannot describe the feeling but that he knows that he is a changed man. Now I am not a stupid woman and really I want to believe him but…would you totally believe after 38 years of this sexual behavior that it is totally gone? I want to believe him as I have always tried but how many times do I have to receive stupid slapped across my forehead. I know that someone can change..and with this only God can do it. i do love him very much but because of all of the hurt through the years I cant put my guard down. I cant seem to have any sexual desires for him in which he says he doesnt understand why. I have chose to stay in the marriage. My children are grown with their own children and it is alot harder now to deal with this than when the kids were small because all of my energy went into them so I had some kind of escape. I have told him that if he ever has any of this behavior to talk to me because if I found out there would not be any more chances. He again says all of those feelings are just plain gone. I dont know from day to day what is going to be my next move but for now…I am as always doing alot of praying and relying on God for His strength and guidance. For all of you out there that are going through this I feel your pain and especially to those like me that are dealing with this in silence. People see us as a perfect family. If they only knew. I could continue to tell you more but then it would end up being a book. I wish you all strength and love with your journeys.
I just joined this site so my answer is a little late but oh my god – this sounds like me!!! I was a lawyer who went back to med school late (I’m just finishing my residency this June) and I discovered my husband’s behavior exactly the same way!!! You could have knocked me over with a feather. I’m so angry in countless ways but I think of how I started my residency around the same time I found out. Residency is impossible but it is even more impossible with a child and a husband you just discovered is actually Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. Sometimes I can’t believe how I got through it. I wonder how you are now Alison?? I hope well. I know what you are going through.
I can relate on so many levels to your post. My significant other is addicted to narcotics however. We have been together for 4 years, we have a two year old, a house, a dog and a cat and were engaged to get married. The lies and deception is what has hurt me the most. I have always told him, “I don’t care if the truth is bad or good, I just want the truth”. Still he lies. I’ve fought his addiction with him many of times and this last instance (1 week ago) I told him to get out. He’s living with his parents. I had every intention on working through it with him but at a distance. This was to protect our daughter from watching his struggles. It wasn’t till a couple of days ago he told me I’m not what he wants anymore. I’m crushed and confused….
I have searched the web for 3 yrs now looking for someone who has been married as long as I have and found a dating site profile made by my husband of 40+ years. I have yet to find any other woman married that many yrs with this issue. When I go back to the beginning of our relationship, I realize it should have never been. I was running away from an abusive mother and he must have wanted to have regular sex, so he helped rescue me. I was 15 and he 16…he was already having sex like a 30 yr old man, had a mother who had no rules in her house, and never had contact with a father. In spite of having the odds against us, we had what I thought was a good marriage, and had 2 sons, who grew up to be great men. I keep looking back to piece together what I am going through now. After 3 yrs, I cannot move from the hurt and betrayal, the lies and the insistence that I am crazy. I had to leave a job 11 yrs ago for a painful back condition, that I am just now getting some help with, as the diagnosis eluded help. Now I have a new lease on life, but have no one there to help me celebrate. I have had to heavily depend on him and have no friends due to what was a lot of insecurity from him over the years. There are so many layers to this story that it has to be told in sections to understand the place I am in now. Oh yes, there were pictures of very young women as well. All of this is my imagination according to him, and continues to do nothing to make our time together manageable.. If I had the money, I would not hesitate to put my life together but I cannot even qualify for an apt….turning to my grown sons is not the answer…I have tried talking to them in the past about issues with their father and they seem to be unable to show any support. I am 57 now and feel helpless like I did when I had to run out of my mother’s house 42 yrs ago, barefoot with the clothes on my back. I try to manage it, but he will do or say something that will trigger the pain, and his control frightens me. Ihave told him that if he cannot admit to knowingly receiving pictures from craigslist and creating a profile on a popular dating site, we will never have a normal life again. The mistrust is crippling me, and I believe he is a sex addict who has never been happy with me…for people who are still young, this stuff never gets better…..save yourself from being me one day…He refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing and acts much like his sociopathic mother when it comes to denial….at the present, all I have is a small dog…that I worry about her welfare if things get worse….I need counseling but know I would be told to seek divorce, he refuses to leave the house or give me money to leave….Bless all of you in these circumstances, I know what it feels like
Dazey, I’ve been married for 28 years and have two grown sons and I know how ur feeling. I truly believe that my husband is a sex addict but I want to caution u that the addiction progresses. The Craigslist postings and pictures will progress to email conversations, then telephone conversations, then face to face meetings. I found out yesterday that my husband has been performing oral sex on men! I had his belongings in his car when he got home and I’ve done nothing but cry for two days. It’s bad enough for a man to have this addiction but when his tendencies are towards men, it compounds the situation. My husband has never been interested in sex with me but has put me in compromising positions by inviting men over for threesomes without my knowledge or consent. Needless to say, that didn’t happen LOL! I’m not in the best place either financially but I do have a job. I’m to the point that I’d rather be homeless and happy than to spend one more day living with this dangerous addiction. Get out! Go to a shelter if needed. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice your lifestyle for the sake of your happiness, safety, and sanity!
Tina, so sorry that this type of addication has affected your life. Because it changes who we are inside, goes to the core of our ability to trust. I can look back over the years when I met my husband and see that he at sixteen at an abnormal need for sex. In the 70’s this was not in our vocabulary. What I thought was love was likely his desire for live in sex. So we are smarter people today, but for me it is too late, too many years have passed. He told me that when he was a child living with grandparents, he would sleep in their bed, and they would have sex. He said it was harmless when I told him way back then, that was inappropriate. He was not an infant, but school age. He also told me he once took part in a group sex of a girl he and the other boys age of about 12 or 13…he said it was her idea, but I am not so sure…he said he was not sure what he was doing but did it anyway….I was always disgusted but at 15, I thought all boys must do that. After I wrote the above post, something told me to look on the laptop. Something I never use and found about 5pictures of his face, he took the other day sitting at the table. They looked like the type one would put on a profile or dating site. He had put them in the recycling bin but must have forgotten to delete them permanently. In one picture it looked like he was trying to disguise his chin. He is 58…I would join the Sisterhood site but I found out it costs monthly and money for me is a problem. I agree that I would live anywhere to escape this nightmare…material things no longer mean anything..But now I have this sweet little dog…I have no credit…and apt complexes require salary 3 times rent…
Hi, truthfully this is my very first time ever sharing something in the internet.
I married my husband when I was 19 and he 21. We have been married for now 7 years. I came to him broken, I was molested for years by an uncle, my father had an affair with his assistant and got her pregnant. So I have trust issues. I was sensing he was hiding his phone from me for a little while, when I got a hold of it I could see he was erasing texts and calls and the internet history. Back in May of 2014, I checked his phone when he was asleep and came across an escort page (backpage) that had been left open. I confronted him with my broken heart and all he said to me that it was comical and that he will never dare to do anything with them cause they could be cops, etc. that they were gross and that they could have stds. I believed him and moved on. On oct 18 2014, went to pay the cellphones and something inside me decided to check the phone record and texts and I found out my husband had been doing this shit for about 2 years and had paid for sex with just one (don’t believe just one) from one night there were over 40 different escorts that he tried calling. All this while he is at work. I place a Gps tracker on his phone and found him twice in different hotels. He claimed he took the money out, drove there but couldn’t get out of the car.
I’m 26 years old, I’m his first and he is mine. I’ve been loyal to him our entire time together. He deployed twice to Afghanistan and I never even dared to hurt him like what he did to me. Even though my self steem and not feeling much like a woman, or someone who is not capable of keeping her man satisfied, I’m told I’m beatifil, funny, full of life, classy, (nothing that can compare to an escort)But that’s not enough for him. Also once he came back from deployment, everytime we fight he also gets physical with me. He had a pretty messed up childhood, there were many kids and the parents were abusive and disfunctional. I think it comes from deeper roots and that it is a disease. I still love him, but I fear if I help and stay by his side, that he will burn me again. Can anyone suggest what I can do? We have dogs together, I’m comfortable at my house and I’m a student, only work part time so I can’t afford to go on my own. My heart feels broken, I won’t eat or sleep. All I feel is a burn in my chest, because is an amazing liar and manipulator. Any good books that will teach me how how love myself and have the strenght to leave him. I understand I deserve much better but then I think I will never trust another man.
Thanks
Allie, I would give anything to be 26 yrs old again because if I was, I would leave my husband & begin again. I am 60 yrs old & have been married for 30 yrs. My husband never cheated in the flesh or looked up escorts, but he lusted after women everyday all day with compulsive masturbation over every good looking woman he saw: neighbors, women at work, out in public, my relatives, my friends, even his ex wife & ex girlfriends. He finally admitted it all to me. And of course porn was a huge part of it. I live in gloom & despair every day of my life over this. He quit the sexual acting out behaviors about a year ago, & is trying to be the sweetest, loving husband, but I’m finding forgiveness to be elusive for me. My main problem is I have lived 30 yrs with a man I never knew, a fake, a lying deceitful person. I wanted Prince Charming but he turned out to be a Toad. He is the source of my pain & I’m finding it impossible to be happy with a man who inflicted so much pain on me. I want out, but I’m too old, too tired & too sickly. Do you really want to live 30 yrs like this? I hate to say it but if you stay, you may have to. It’s your decision but if I could turn back the clock for myself, I would not be with a selfish man who thought only of himself & didn’t bother to think whether he could be destroying the woman who he vowed to be faithful to & forsaking all others until death do us part. His mind was as unfaithful as it could possibly get, and to me, that is the real him….not the fake husband that I saw for many years. You have to make a choice & stick with it. You could try telling him that you’re leaving until he can prove that he is determined to change, but again, it’s up to you. Good luck!
There is another website: CHUMPLADY.COM
This one is good, too. The other is free. Check it out.
I pray for u life is not fair at times have faith and u should be giving young people advise to be going for testing before getting into relationship or marriage so that such situation wont happen often
Nissan, being lonely doesn’t excuse purchasing someone who has zero attraction to you. Frankly I find it bizarre. Altho I do think it is better for single men to use escorts than married ones. A lackluster sex life is no excuse for cheating. You either talk to your partner to solve the problem or leave. I think its just an excuse to cover mens needs for variety.
Hi Everyone, I found out about my husband’s porn addiction 25 yrs into a now 30 yr marriage. I caught him viewing with his pants around his ankles, & after reading him the riot act, I found no more porn anywhere. I asked him if he was addicted. Of course he said no & he too blamed me, telling me that I was always too busy for him, so what did I expect. Here’s the thing..I never refused him..ever, but he had been refusing me quite often. And when we were together, he could not even keep an erection. To make a long story short, one yr ago, he admitted that he never quit the porn & did feel he was addicted. He also admitted that he had stopped watching porn at home & started watching it at work. So now, he was risking his management position at work & his reputation, besides risking his marriage & family. So,he told me everything. I don’t believe he cheated in the flesh. He really went no where without me except work & he works right down the street, so I always know he’s there. Like I said he told me everything from compulsive masturbation to not only porn but magazines, fliers, women on the street, neighbors, strangers, women at work, my relatives, his ex wife, etc etc etc. So, when I discovered he never quit & was addicted a yr ago, I felt punched in the stomach, with the wind knocked out of me. I was so depressed, that I became physically ill with an infection that went from bladder to kidney to blood to septic shock & near death. I went into respiratory & cardiac failure. The hospital had to call a Code Blue, perform CPR & place me on a vent (life support). I was in a coma for 4 days. I even saw my father during that time who has been dead 18 yrs. I begged him to take me from the pain, but he told me I had to stay awhile longer. So, I came out of it & here I am. I now have post sepsis syndrome which isn’t good. I am 60 yrs old & really tired. My husband has not viewed porn since that time, but I constantly wonder if & when he’s going back to it. If I was younger, I would leave in a heart beat. I just don’t have the energy to begin again at this time. And, I too have ALL the symptoms of PTSD now. My husband has been sweet & loving to me, but he is the source of my pain, so I’m not that receptive. I really don’t know what is best for me. Has my husband quit or will he go back to it? Only time will tell.
Sandy I am very sorry that you are going through this. Don’t give up. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself . Magnesium helps with some of the ptsd and depression, its worth a try. Also, can you live independently if you divorce and receive alimony from your husband? A good lawyer can discuss your options with you. If it were me, id do everything I could to gain some independence. As far as him being fake ofcourse he is. Most men have a mask they wear for when they aren’t alone. But once alone in their own thoughts, their true animalistic nature surfaces. He is but a walking dildo, a slave to his own primal urges. Selfish, egocentric, unfeeling yet always ready to put on a facade. The mask of “good husband” and “family man”. Sadly, most women never see this. They are too far gone into the societal brainwashing. The fairy tale that doesn’t exist. Its never too late to break free. If you happen to be in tennessee, id even be willing to visit and help in any way I can. Women need to come together so that we don’t depend on men for support. Do you have children as well? But whatever you do, don’t let that bastard bring you down. He is not worth it.
Hi eliad, Thanks for the advice. I’m actually a nurse, but I didn’t know about the magnesium for PTSD. I only looked into the psychology of the syndrome. I will try it. Thank you. I suppose I could live on my own if I had to. I only work 2 days a week now as a nurse, but if I increased to 4 days, I would definitely be able to support myself. Right now though, I’m not healthy enough. We have 3 grown children & 1 child still in high school. We also have 6 grandchildren. All live nearby & I know they would be devastated if my husband & I split up. Even though what you said may sound harsh, I do agree with all of it. I believe it is very easy for men to go down the “primal” path & think with their dick, instead of their brain or their heart. I do believe I have known a few good men in my life though (notice I said a few). Now that my eyes have been opened, the good ones stand out. They are deep & able to relate to women on a similar level & my husband unfortunately,is not one of them. The men in my family were raised to be emotional & deep. The men in my husband’s family were raised to show no emotion & to live life on a superficial level. His mother is just as “primal” as the men in their family. When I was in the hospital & had just awakened from the cpma, a pretty young nurse came in my room & my mother-in-law kept elbowing my husband (her son) & telling him to “look at that hottie”. Thank god my husband did not look. I think I would have died on the spot. But then, my mother-in-law started razzing him about not being a real man. She kept saying “it doesn’t hurt to look as long as you don’t touch”. My husband told her, “I am looking at my beautiful wife who I almost lost, so stop that now!” I guess I am giving him a chance to make changes in his life & be the man he should be. If he goes back to it, he will lose me & he knows that. Maybe I’m feeling generous because it’s Christmas. I live in the northeast pretty far away from you or I would meet you. I have a question. In the profession you have chosen, do you ever make offbeat comments to the married men? I know that I would not be able to bite my tongue & this is why I ask. Oh, I want to make mention that my husband has removed the most potent triggers from his life. His work computer has a porn block that I installed. His new cell has no internet. And we got rid of cable channels that carry that crap. His work computer sends me emails about his computer activity. We now have only one computer in our home with a heavy duty block that I put on it & it alarms LOUDLY if anyone tries to access unapproved sites. He is using the bouncing his eyes technique for in person triggers, looks away before it draws him in. And, he has a thick rubber band on his wrist that he snaps if his thoughts try to go to weird places. He knows that he is going to have to be this vigilant for life, so like I said, only time will tell……Peace to you in the coming year, and I do wish you would find a better way to make money. Women who provide escort service are giving men an outlet for their “primal” urges. I wish women would take that completely away from them. To me, that’s taking back the power. Thank you again for your help.
Id also like to add that your mother in law likely saw that behavior in her own father and her husband and now normalizes it as well as promotes it so other women live the same experience. Most women are trauma bonded with their male partners. Stockholm syndrome. You might want to read up on it if you haven’t yet. I also enjoy valerie solanas scum manifesto. She wrote many good observations on the nature of men. Me, I’m 30 and I plan to be single the rest of my life. I’ve been single 4 years now. No man deserves my love, none will ever get it again. My life is mine to live, for better or for worse id rather be alone.
I’m glad to have found this site – I’m going through a similar dilemma. On our honeymoon I discovered text messages to escorts from my husband’s phone, dating to a week before our wedding – when I confronted him, he first said it was his friend at work who did it for a joke. Apparently it was to arrange for “dancers” or “strippers” for his bachelor party – which never happened. Then he kept asking what difference does it make if it was him or his friend who sent the messages as nothing happened. I told him it did as it showed INTENT. He then confessed and started crying saying he had sent them but his friend had brought him the #s and he just sent them messages for a joke, and that guys do stupid things when they are together. The part that concerns me the most is that the text messages had no context of a bachelor party. They were sent to two different ladies. In both messages he asked “remember me”? – one stopped responding after that, and the other said her messages had been deleted, to which he tried to remind her that he was the new guy in town from Holland. She didn’t acknowledge that she remembered him. When he found out how upset I was and may leave him, he called up our condo security and asked for security footage for that date and time that the “meeting” was being booked for. He even showed it to me, but I still have my doubts. My family went to his house on that day he had booked his meeting to give customary wedding gifts, so he had showed up at home early with food, but how am I to know he didn’t go earlier? And even before, since he did ask if they remembered him. When I questioned him about the “remember me” part – he says that, that was in referral to his earlier message (which he says he deleted because he knew nothing was going to happen) had his details about what he was looking for, for his bachelor party and that he was the new guy in town from Holland. No address was mentioned, it was like he KNEW where to go for this meeting. When I asked him about this, he said the address was mentioned in the initial text message that was deleted. If this was the case, then why didn’t the lady ask for it again, especially after she said her messages were deleted?
After a week of separation from our honeymoon’s return, I went back and decided to give him another chance as I wanted to believe him and we had just gotten married, and I had a lot of feelings coming into play. After a month, when I went through his phone, I discovered previous chats of him to his friends talking about hookers. When I confronted him, he said it was him trying to fit in with his friends and that since he was always the youngest, he’d try to fit in and be cool like them. He had also lied about his previous relationships – telling me he had never had any, when I discovered he had at least a handful. He told me it was because I had never had any and wanted to be like me, and didn’t want to hurt me, even though I never indicated that I would be alarmed if he had any. Instead, he had told me he had a couple of one-night stands, which was more alarming than him committing to a serious relationship to take part in intimate relations. He told me it was in his early 20s, he was dumb and drunk, and worried this would be the end for us, since we had just started our relationship.
I’ve separated quite a few times and gone back, I find it hard to believe him. I feel like my whole life will be spent wondering if he’s going to hookers or telling me the truth. I didn’t know porn was such a big issue, but he had told me watched porn and I had asked him not to since I felt it established unrealistic expectations of making love since they were actors being paid. He told me he had stopped, but then I found an image on his phone which he said was from a porn site (I was worried it was from when he went to a hooker as it was of a lady on a bed with her behind in shorts) which was dated a few months ago, and then I found him deleting his history of a porn site he had visited. I only found out because it showed up in his recently-visited list. I was confused as we had just had sex twice the previous night. He was working from home that day and told me he got bored and saw it for 5 mins and was disgusted…
Another alarming fact is that he was looking up his ex every month on Facebook – her pictures, pictures and posts liked by her, etc. When I saw this in his Facebook search history, dating back to when we started dating, I was furious. He has since deactivated his Facebook account and deleted his email account and created one with both of our names.
I am on the fence and really want to make a decision as I’m still in my mid-20s and can’t waste it with a cheater. What makes it hard is that he’s told his relatives about our issues, he came to my parents place crying and asking for forgiveness and that he’ll change (there were also drugs and drinking issues). I gave him a chance, but find it hard to trust him and feel motivated in our relationship. I feel like he turned out to be totally different from what I had thought.
Looking forward to feedback. Thanks!
Hi F2015- Your story is a classic text book picture of all sex addicts. They are experts at creating a false persona – wearing a mask as I like to call it. I know you want to believe him and are hopeful the marriage can work out. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked in. When someone is an addict, their addiction IS their love.and they do not and cannot give or receive love. Their brains are programmed and It will not change. Don’t waste your life on this guy-he has NOTHING to offer you. There are many men out there who are healthy and able to love and meet your needs. Your H never will!
Run and don’t look back. And, while you are running I encourage you to join S.O.S-Sisterhood of Support. The site will provide you all the info and literature you need to know regarding causes, symptoms, underlying personality disorders and prognosis of sex addiction There are hundreds of us who have walked in your shoes and will provide you with the caring love and support you need to get through this, and most importantly how to take care of yourself first.
In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sharron
My heart goes out to you.
addiction.
What’s hard is that he is always telling me how much he loves me and is showing affection towards me.. he’s in the mood for sex almost daily, which isn’t the norm amongst the ladies’ comments here… makes me wonder if he went to escorts when he’d be single to fill the void?
Also, he’s always talking about us setting up our place, which i have lost interest in because of everything, and about our future plans.. going on trips, plans for the summer, etc…. he really seems to be trying. He’s even gone for marriage counselling with me.. but I am just tormented at the thought of him booking an appointment a week before our wedding and wondering if he’ll ever go back once I ease off him.. I do know that he’s eager for thrills… and I suppose SA’s get excited over the thrill or not getting caught doing something they shouldn’t be…
I would value your input as I am trying to establish if my husband is an addict or just simply disloyal and disprespectful?
We have been married for 13 years, together 19 years, have 2 children etc .. to cut this short we were having marriage issues, I was not happy at home as I had done everything on my own since the kids came along due to his selfish behaviour. In Jan I saw porn being sent to him and he always denies theses things .. In march he was texting a woman but I did not know about it I found out in the may and realised it had been going on for around 3 months, mostly texting from what I know but they slept together twice at Easter whilst I was away with the kids as my family live away an he never really joins us for family time. He blamed me for this as I was staring to wish I was with someone else a good friend but this was just due to being so unhappy. There were events in my bedroom that he could not explain, such as pillows stood upright behind the be, lube cream lid under it etc. I had to accept this and move on if I was too try. Long story short but we had it all out in May and we agreed to try. In June I went to my sisters wedding and he didn’t come then in July I find out he has been texting girls on TV and on the porn sites where you can arrange for a married woman to meet, no strings. I nearly left him then but a friend said he was an addict and needed support .. He denies this but would often say he couldn’t remember as he had too much to drink!! I said then you have a drink problem too? I have now found out again about someone we both, a friend of the family that he has been texting for months and months but he text I have read were of him begging her to come to our house for sex when I was away again visiting my ill Mum as he won’t come with us.
The thing is I know in my heart I need to leave him but what the hell do I tell the kids? My question is, is he really a huge lier and addict or is it down to marraige problems that need to be worked through?? A good friend who has believed in him until recently now says I need to face facts and the chances are that this has been going of for years as my family are hundreds of miles away so I am often away with the kids ..
So scared of telling my kids and the huge changes ahead??
I could write an almost identical story. I would have bet my life against him doing this but found out more than I could have imagined 6 months ago. I am grieving daily and embarrassed talk to anyone bc I thought I thought I knew him so well. I thought he found me attractive. The hardest part is during a majority of his horrible behavior I was raising our 2 children and dealing with symptoms of MS. (Diagnosed 4 years ago during the time he was most unfaithful). I enjoyed being intimate with him and never thought he would cheat. I did however think he had low ‘drive’ but he’s also 9 years older than me. I am beyond devastated.
Thanks for sharing your story.
His behavior has nothing to do with you K. It is him. As an example, look at Tiger Woods and his gorgeous model wife.
Also, sadly, look at the new connection they are finding between the herpes virus and MS.
Don’t carry his shame as your own. These people lie and deceive- it’s just what they do like the rest of brush our teeth.
RUN!!! RUN!!! RUN!!!! Once a cheating prick, always one. I wasted my whole life. My Son’s suicide didn’t even get him to grow up. You don’t need him, get out now!!
16 years 3 children a move halfway across country for him to climb the attorney ladder. Church every Sunday and damn if we were late, he berated us. Cub scout leader, JA advisor, even the nerve to join Knights of Columbus. He claimed near virginity when I met him. Seems I was made out to be the bad girl who snared the beautiful former altar server. His family were always cruel. 10,000 pix of local prostitutes, jealous, bigoted adultresses from our area, and jabs from closeted gay men…I now sit in my friend’s house, hand busted…waiting for this bastard to be served. Once he’s OUT, and I mean OUT, there’s gonna be hell to pay. I want his ass in jail cuz he met hookers at kids school, even worse…with nothing but bread n water. His parents better not even look at me, let alone speak. His mistress hated us so much she made my kids n I pray for her, not knowing she thought she was pregnant by him. She even sent me her ugly pic, knowing he took her pic at a hotel, just to share her contact info with me. Yep. She wanted the dumbasses 5k sf house and only saw an attorney about to boot his wife. Now she has warts…just like him. Yep…he says I’m insane…even after he can’t account for 200k out the door. He was a nasty husband…always conniving and hypercritical…controlling and while involved with kids, did so to get dates with other moms n yes, dads. He was a shitty father, never took kids anywhere…no toys. Made them sit in his puke filled car because he didn’t learn how to overcome his gag reflex. The sucker is so addicted, he even has holes in his shoes cuz he’d rather buy sex. He friggin hobbles and hasn’t bought a new suit in 5 years. He’s still thinking I’m coming back to apologize after I claim insanity. I’m coming back all right….and when I do…he’s gonna regret being born. Sex addicts should come with a warning label that reads “FATAL IF ENTERTAINED.” If only they would die sooner…maybe from a fought hard for disease…but no, they just get fatter, balder, uglier and nastier by the hour. Better they had not been born! Run from these assholes and never look back! Ever!!!shoulda been ur huz that died!!!
Ladies. I am so grateful I looked this site up. I could combine every story on here and make up aspects of my boyfriend and his behavior. The excessive porn, the lude comments on videos, texting and emailing escorts, women from sex search sites, and craigs list, all the lying, oh, the lying!! F2015, my man too told me he text his escort for a bachelor party. Lucky for me, im 29 years old, I’m only one year in this relationship and it’s been two weeks sine i found it and I’ve already left him. Though it’s been a short time, our love was strong and the relationship healthy (to me). I’ve been ping-ponging between forgiving and leaving, staying and going, loving and hating, but with the help from all of your posts – I know moving on is the right thing to do for me. You strong and beautiful women, all broken like me, THANK YOU for pouring your pain onto this website. You have helped me change the course of my entire life and have used your story to help others. I don’t know you all personally, but am forever grateful. Best of luck in your personal destinies and thank you again.
Has anyone had the experience with a sex and alcohol addict? My husband is checking himself into rehab on Saturday for 30 days. The alcohol is the one he is focusing on more heavily now. He’s moved into the other room since I found out and will return there when 30 day rehab is over. Lots of history I didn’t know about. I’ve been on the rollercoaster all of you have been on. It’s textbook from all the books I have been ready. The part I’m having a hard time with is that until he gets sober we cannot even begin to work on the trust and hurt. He found the rehab and he decided to go. I have done nothing to help. I feel it is his place to get his crap together – not my co-dependentence.
Meanwhile, I am going to therapy for me, reading books to help me, surrounding myself with true friends that will call it like it is but be supportive of me. It’s so hurtful. I have good hours and bad hours all day long.
I just caught my husband visiting hookers. I will never be the same. i am 50 yrs old and my life is shattered. I will never trust anyone again and I am damaged for life. What a dope I was. I can only hope that I can get him back financially. I think that’s the only way I can hurt him but I doubt it is any justice. Obviously he diid not care for me or we would not be here now. So he won’t be hurt much. I would kill him if I could.
Hi Rose, I completely understand your anger and devastation. I went through months of shock before feeling utterly broken. Did he ever care about you? Only you can answer that by reflecting on the marriage you had with him and how he treated you. If it felt like he did, then he did. The addiction as you may have learned, has nothing to do with you. It’s completely selfish and compartmentalized. They have no business starting or staying in a relationship while screwing hookers, however, it’s about getting all their needs met and still feeling like it’s not enough. I found out after 11 years with my partner that he was cheating. During that whole time and for 9 years before me, he was seeing a psychiatrist for depression which was also a secret from me. Did he care about me? Absolutely, but he is seriously damaged and it didn’t come to light until he stopped numbing out with sex. I refused to let him damage me as well and though I still struggle with PTSD, I know I’m stronger today. It will take time to process your pain and it will help to have others honour and validate everything you are going through because your sense of reality is likely shattered. I used to think that SA’s were untouchable – nothing can hurt them because of their ability to avoid feelings resulting in callousness. I was wrong. When you get better and stronger by taking care of yourself, they will feel pain. Hold him accountable and do everything you need to do such as financially protecting yourself. Please continue to reach out as sadly, there are many of us who experienced the same devastation and heartbreak.
Hugs,
Lynda
Thank you so much for this thread – I know the posts are really old, but they’ve really helped me get over something similar.
7 months ago I met this amazing man, on face value he was everything I wanted – handsome, funny, attentive. He told me me loved me after a few weeks, asked me to move in with him and also planned to come travelling later this year.
However, I’m not naive, and all of this seemed a bit rushed to me. The only thing that put me off however, was that he was also extremely arrogant, always talking about how many women he had been with / that he had slept with loads of hookers (in the past all before me). He also told me he had broken up with his previous girlfriend the year before (whom he had been with for 5 years), and was on dating sites the week after.
Then a few weeks ago, he went out with friends in town, came home at 6am the next morning and jumped straight in the shower when he got in. He said he had no memory of anything, but had ‘lost’ his phone and wallet. He also told me he had withdrawn £200 in cash the night before. I forgave him, although I had suspicions. A week later, I was using his laptop while he was away and a recent search for ‘escorts’ in the local area came up.
From reading this thread, this guy sounds like a SA. He told me he was driving home and had to pull over in a service station and “service” himself in the toilets. He also told me he masturbates around 3-4 times a day. He also swears blind he had never cheated on me, but the guy has form and this is weird behaviour. He says he just likes masturbating to pictures of local escorts, but I can’t understand this at all. Why local?
Anyway, I packed up my stuff and left before he got back. The annoying thing is, we work together, so I have to see him. He claims I”m ‘unfair’ as I left without a face to face meeting (I told him it was over on the phone) , but I had to trust my gut and I didn’t know if he had brought anyone back to the flat.
What do people think?! Have I overreacted?
No, you’ve absolutely not overreacted. In my opinion, totally on the contrary. He’s completely up front about his narcissism and on face value, he’s a man who has no problem disclosing that he’s used hookers. The fact that you’ve accepted this makes you the perfect victim in his eyes. Sorry to be harsh, but I highly recommend you get out and get help for yourself because it really speaks to self – esteem issues and it is a basic human right to deserve better.
Lynda
Hello there Ellen, My husband was a porn addict, no alcohol involved but, I have been reading about men with a combo of addictions for many yrs now. From what I’ve read, it appears that it is easier to quit alcohol than sex/porn addictions. I have read stories from many women whose husbands quit their alcohol addiction but continued to lie about their sex/porn addiction. Apparently sex/porn addictions are more closely related to drug addiction, making it harder to quit. Most of the women thought their husbands were working on both addictions together. And, because it was easy for the women to see that their husbands had quit the alcohol addiction, they just assumed that their husbands had quit the sex/porn addiction too. But such was not the case. Some of the women lived obliviously to their husbands lies about their continued sex/porn addiction for yrs. And the reason this happened was, the women were so thrilled that their husbands had quit alcohol, they failed to see the red flags that would have alerted them to their husband’s sex/porn addiction. I would say if he kicks the alcohol first and then begins to work on the sex/porn addiction, you will have to be hypervigilant about possible red flags indicating that he has not really quit. And lastly, I will say this. My husband quit porn, objectification of women, & masturbation, some time ago. But you know what? I am no happier now than I was. I thought I would be overjoyed when he finally quit but I am not. We have been married over 30 yrs, and he carried on this addiction for at least 25 yrs, lying to me the whole time & telling me I was delusional. It wasn’t until I caught him doing his thing in person that he decided to get help. So, he deceived me & let me live lies for about a quarter of a century. How can I forgive that so easily just because he decided to quit? I am 60 yrs old & feel as though I wasted my whole life on a man who definitely is not worthy of the deeply faithful & committed love that I had for him. I don’t even love him as much as I once did. A husband & wife can survive the trials & tribulations of life as long as they have each other’s love & support. What did I have? Nothing…that’s the way I look at it.
Hi. I’m devastated. My daughter caught him doing porn when she was 9. She told me. I asked him and he said the janitor at work got into his account. I did not believe him, but thought may be this was a one time thing. My daughter is 27 now. I have been married to him for 30 years, and I have just finally woken up and realized 2 months ago that he dumped me about 11 years ago. He suddenly stopped sleeping at home. He also dumped his kids. All through the marriage, he was never there. I was a single parent; he did minimal stuff with us, and that too after I fought with him. He showed abusive behaviour towards my daughter when she was deathly ill and she almost died twice. Now I have discovered he has been doing porn all through the marriage. He admits it wasn’t the janitor, but claims to still not know who put the erotic chat dial icon on his screen. He denies having used prostitutes and escorts, but i strongly feel he has, because after he slept with me and swore he was a virgin like me, he then told me he had been to 100’s of prostitutes. I was traumatized so badly I went into total dissociation. He is a cardiologist, but says he has no money in the bank. He has always controlled all the money anyway, giving only little bits for household expenses. He is verbally and physically abusive towards me. How do I get him to tell the truth? I need closure. I also feel like I am worthless. Actually, I now see that I felt like that from the time he told me about the prostitutes and also Playboy magazines and strip clubs.He has told his family he has moved out because I fight with him, yet I asked him many times to go for counselling, because I was very unhappy that he was never with us and always asked why he was never caught up with work. He always looked at other women , never paid me complements, ran away first thing every weekend, saying he had work to do. When he told me about the prostitutes he had slept with before he met me, he also said he undresses women in his mind when he sees them. I also got an STD from him right after the first time I slept with him. I loved him, and committed to him 100%. I was brought up by Catholic nuns, and took my marriage vows really seriously. Why did he steal my life from me? Why did he neglect my daughter’s illnesses when he is a doctor and could have helped her tremendously? He gave me a concussion 2 years ago. He pushed me into a granite countertop, slapped me, kicked me and broke my nose, and many other things. My marriage has been a nightmare, and yet I still see the man who courted me for almost two years, and the sham personality that he created for me and that I fell in love with. I need him to tell me the truth but he isn’t, and I am so very tired of going round and round in circles with him.
Thanks for the page. So glad there are recent posts on here. I met my husband in 2013 on a street corner and it was love at first site. He moved in a month later and despite all my friends gasping in horror – he was black and 20 years younger – they quickly came to love him as much as I did and would often say that was all they wanted in life – to find a relationship like ours. WE got married 3 months later. This was my third marriage and I have to say I have never felt so totally loved, content, happy in my life. Three months later I woke up at 3 am and grabbed his phone – I have NO idea why and have never done that before to anyone. I found an email to a couple saying “glad you had a good time, perhaps we can do it again sometime” I googled the email address and found the couple on a sex site (Adult Friend Finder – that trashy disgusting group that make SA so easy) I confronted him and he told me he had met a couple for lunch, and was going to have a threesome but changed his mind and came home. That he had done it once before he met me and he had met them before he met me – he swore on his grandmother, everything on earth – that he had never cheated. A week later I found a list of posts that he had made on that site – posted the day he asked me to marry me, the day before our wedding, on our honeymoon – looking for couples. After a month of tears – mostly his – and long talks my son talked me into giving him another chance. A year and a half later we were going strong – madly in love, moved state, work going well. He had come from nothing – and I mean nothing – sleeping on his grandmothers couch with nothing…. and I have everything and I gladly shared it all with him. In return he held my hand while we slept, loved me crazily, would text me several times a day telling me how much he loved me. My life was just joyful….
Not sure what it is – that gut instinct that just whispers in your ear one day. There were no signs, nothing that I had seen. I downloaded Wondershare – free trial – and scanned his phone. It picks up everything – deleted messages, phone calls, history – I scanned the new iPhone 6 plus and the new iPad i had bought him for Christmas. Craigslist, a girl phone number. A secret text app. I asked him about the phone number and he swore it was his cousins, I googled it and it was a hooker. He eventually admitted he had gone to the pharmacy to pick up my son’s epilepsy medication and a woman had “flirted”with him – so he waited outside and got her number. I called the only friend I had told about what happened the year before and she said “kick him out – he is a player. He hit on me once”….. WHAT – she told me that he had called her once and told her he had pot if she wanted some to come over and he would give her some (she smoked). She asked where I was and he said “out of town”….. he was going to shag her in MY BED…. she hung up on him. I was devastated that she had not told me…… he lied, said she was making it up, swore on his little brother, mother, god……. she sent me her phone bill showing me a number that had called her twice on that day. He said “SEE it isn’t even me” she is a liar liar liar…. he threw his hands in the air, swore, cussed, was furious that she would say that about him… So I called the number – it was his 13 year old sisters. he had used his little sisters phone to hit on my girlfriend…. I threw him out and wanted to stab him in the throat………. that night he called me and said he had been sitting in the hot sun outside all day and had nowhere to go – he didn’t know anyone here and he was thirsty and hungry and so so so sorry. My son said he could come back but had to sleep on the couch until he had organized somewhere to live. My son was devastated as they were great friends, he had been his best man at the wedding.
Then i found it – the password to his emails. sex sites……. thousands of emails over a 7 year period. hitting on people 50 years older, disgusting old fat women who wanted “5 young black men to shag them all day while hubby filmed” just the most vile degrading stuff. I saw the times he talked to people – compared them to the beautiful texts he would send me – minutes apart. 36 hours after our wedding he was on there hitting up a couple looking for stranger sex…….I went for a blood test that day sure I would have something…..
Then it was out – I HAVE A PROBLEM…. I am still not convinced it is an addiction or if he does it because he wants to do it. HE had been sending pictures of his penis to couples on craigslist when i caught him – it would have graduated to meeting people if they had of replied – maybe they did and I just didn’t know it. I feel like my entire marriage was a joke. He cries and is so so sorry – again. I moved him out and he now lives not in our penthouse, but on a couch in a distant cousins house. He washes dishes at a hotel here in town. He goes to SA meetings and has just got his 3 month chip and has been going to therapy for a month on his own and wants me to join him. I understand that he had a horrific childhood, that his thing had him in its grips for years before me, that he loves me as much as he can, but the marriage was just so broken and disgusting and degrading for me – so i immediately applied for a divorce. I didn’t want to be in that joke anymore – it was like a tight rope around my neck choking me. HE signed the papers and didn’t ask for a cent – despite probably being able to get 3k a month alimony for 7 years if he had of gone for it…. plus a lump sum. So I don’t think it was for the money.
He wants to spend another few months in therapy to get himself “normal” and then start dating again to see if we can get anything back. But once the trust is broken – its broken. I am not that person who wants to go thru phones, looking for signs….. its not me. I am sad and feel so deceived and still have such love for him – and I want to tell him to just move back where his family live – but have a hard time when I see him to tell him its absolutely over. I feel like i am getting stronger every day. But this insidious horrific disease SA doesn’t go away – he admitted he had an urge to watch porn the other night (which is how it all starts, porn – then more porn, then the sex sites, then the chats….) and he called me instead. I am left wondering if he looked at it before or after that call… So many lies you just never believe anything anymore.
What does it matter if he’s black God awful comment. Shame on you
So many deceitful husbands…… so many heartbroken wives……. my question is, now that our eyes have been opened to the reality of sex addiction, what can we reasonably expect from men going forward? What percentage of men think and act this way? Your sex addict partner will tell you that all men think and act this way because he wants to believe that he is normal. But what is normal for men?
These stories are so sad. I am living the same story right now. I found out 5 weeks ago about my fiance. we were together 2.5 years and I am 7 months pregnant. I kicked him out the day I found out and he has been out ever since. He is staying on his friends couches. He has slept with at least 20 prostitutes and not used condoms. I found out tuesday that he also slept with transexuals. Found his emails to craigslist ads. He always said he was fully straight and had no interest in sex with a man. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. He has been going to SLAA for 5 weeks and has 4 weeks clean now. He is picking up a 1 month chip tonight. It feels meaningless. I just want him out of my life. I want the pain out of my life. The discoveries. Everything. But we have this little girl coming. She of course is my highest priorty and I want to protect her from him and all his toxic obsessions. There is no way to trust someone who canlie liek this. while buying me a ring and taking me to europe and just trying so hard to please me while he pleases himself with all the other transexuals and women. I don’t know if he had trheesomes or double penetrations or anythign else. He wont tell me any more details. It is all so awful.
Have you tried telling your husband how much it upsets you what kind of actions he has brought upon you? If he has a hard time listening or conversation, try leaving him a note expressing everything you are troubled with by his actions, a hard copy may have a better impact on the choices he makes when stumbled across, as for word to mouth usually tends to be pushed back and not considered. I’m sure he loves you and just needs help. Bringing a new baby in this world has to have some sort of impact on him to where he would want to reconsider his actions and be around and love you and your family you have both brought upon this life. When is your due date?
I’m so sad to read how many people this happens to. I hope that you are all finding strength and courage to deal with your respective situations. I am 30, met my now-husband when I was 26. We just clicked, I knew I would marry him the day I met him. We dated for 2 years before getting engaged, he got on so well with all my friends and family, and I his. Our sex life was incredible, up until my d-day, which was 5 months ago (one month before our 1st wedding anniversary). I just happened to mention an old friend of mine’s name, when he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I questioned him, and he eventually revealed that they had slept together briefly before him and I got together. I was angry that he let four years go by and not tell me he used to date this girl! Anyway, that night he apologised and we made all these plans about being a couple that could communicate…but something still didn’t feel right. Just as I had almost let it go, I managed to get out of him that he’d had sexual conversations with her (swapping pics, talking about their sex, saying what they’d like to do etc etc) whilst he was with me. I died a little bit that day. But, God, do I wish that was all there was! Over the course of the next 3 months, I have discovered – bit by bit, lie after lie – that he has cheated on me (by having online sex & flirtations) with at least 8 different ‘real life’ women (ex’s, old flatmates, ‘friends’ etc), and with literally hundreds of anonymous women AND men via swinging forums, exhibitionists sites, porn forums, Facebook, myspace… The list goes on. He revealed that he feels compelled to look at every woman’s breasts and legs that walks by, or in his work. He also revealed that before we met, he used Gaydar to hook up and have oral sex with men. I thought we had a brilliant relationship, we were very intimate, emotionally and physically. I did notice he spent a lot of time online, but it was always on music forums when I looked over his shoulder. It would devastate everyone we know if they found out, everyone loves him as he is kind, witty, humble and very generous. He seems genuinely disgusted with himself, as if he only really realised what he was doing when I repeated it all back to him. He knew my thoughts on online affairs, he knows I see it as betrayal. He just can’t say why he was doing it. Is it really true that an SA never changes? If I try to work on our relationship, will I regret it 10 years down the line when I find out he’s at it again? I feel that I can’t handle even the slightest of slip ups. I should say that I have proof that this behaviour predates me.. He’s been at it for years. Can I really trust him again? He seems really motivated to change, almost relieved that I found out and now he can face it and get help. But I can’t get over how he could make me fall in love with a man that never existed…i feel like our wedding was fraudulent! Whilst I was running home from nights out with a smile on my face so excited about seeing him, he was at his computer doing nasty stuff getting pleasure from other people, and then I’d walk in the door and he’d hold me and tell me he loved me and we’d be so happy… How can anyone be so insincere to the person they claim to love? I’m just shattered. I’ve lost hope having read all the above threads, like I should just get out now before kids are on the scene. I just really feel like I want to give him a chance…am I nuts? Xx
Hi ladies! The same issues in our marriage. We are married 4 years, have 2 kids. I saw him browsing the escort site within first couple months of our living together. He promised it will never happen again. All these past years we were not close enough, he told me not to sniff around and my pride didn’t allow me to do any investigations. He always spent nights at home, however he stayed downstairs late or even slept on the couch most of the time. He explained me that that its cooler downstairs znd he likes to watch tv late. Three moth ago after seeing text message on his phone, I realized that it was not so innocent. I changed history settings on laptop and I was literally shockec by what I saw. Escort services websites, live sex chats, porn and other. And it was for hours and hours every day! We talked after my discovery, he promised he would never do it again, and said he never cheatedon me or met anybody in real life. So he stooped using laptop, but he was on his cell phone all the time. I changed history setting again and tada! the same crap.
Please I need some advise what to do and how to react, my feelings hurt so bad I cant think clearly. How to find out if he meets some prostitutes from these escort sites? How to persuade him to go to therapist? Thank you for any response!
Hi Julia, I am so sorry for your pain. The Sisterhood of Support offers a safe, private support system where you can ask questions, share your story and find resources, answers and benefit from the wisdom of women who have experienced the trauma of a deceitful relationship. Please consider giving it a try. To find out more click here. Hugs, JoAnn
Hi Julia
Check bank statements and phone bill details. Look for cash withdrawals and multiple calls to the same number within close date range. Whores have a verification system so they dont get caught by the police.
Cheaters use green dot cards, Skype sex and Google numbers too. They also text pictures that expire and disappear so copy them immediately if you need them for your records.
You can use these records if you decide to leave him.
Oh my … I felt so overwhelmed and alone, till now! I’ve been married 20 years and found out 10 weeks ago that my h is a SA … The details all too similar to those stories here, I answered his phone as my son called and as we hung up I accidentally double clicked and found a website offering local services and porn. I am mortified, he lied confessed a little, I dug deeper over days and he confessed a little more, then I dug some more you know how it goes. So he’s sorry , I feel sorry for him, he promises the earth and is regretful, shameful, embarrassed upset etc. I want to forgive him, but the minute he leaves I’m all over his iPad, but now I know he’s just going to be more careful, so I don’t find out. I don’t want to start my life again, I didn’t break this marriage , it wasn’t a marriage in trouble, he’s always adored me , we’ve always had great sex. So what on earth am I to do? Be suspicious and make myself crazy forever? Or rip my heart out and leave him? I have no idea, but reading this page has really upset me because I’m dreaming of hope. It’s not going to get any better is it! I will always doubt him, and probably every man. How do we know all men aren’t like this? Just most don’t get caught? I’m a real mess right now, but I’m glad I found this site, much love to all xxx
Thanks and sorry, Amelia!
Amelia, our stories are almost identical. I’ve been happily married for 29 years. I thought we had a wonderful marriage until 3 weeks ago when I found a secret cellphone he left in the bathroom. When I clicked on it there was a vulgar discription oh his penis and that he couldn’t host in out home today! He was bringing these craigslist men to our house . I also found nude pictures of him and texts and emails to different men asking how they enjoyed their sex together. I’m going crazy and feel like any minute I’m just going to collapse . I’m so paranoid and fearful to leave him . I have no where to go but I can’t even look att him. . I met with an attorney yesterday. I feel like our whole marriage was a sham. N
I have so much on my mind. I feel like I am about to explode. I have been married to my denying SAH for 19 years. I was married before him to an alcoholic. We had a terrific son and before my son was 5 he left us because he raped me and the counselor we were going to advised him if the relationship became abusive he would have to report it. It was a bad divorce but my son and me made it and we’re very happy. It was the typical father son relationship where the dad never showed up of corse but I was always glad because I was afraid of his safety. When my son was around 10 we met my now husband that we thought was my night in shinning armor. Not so true. Me being a naive raised christian girl I have put up with a lot. First just before we were married I found tons of porn videos that he said was because he was single and it kept him from cheating, then just days before the wedding he had brought his mail to my house and I found out that he was having phone sex and I brought to his attention and he told me how sorry he was and that he has a problem and he would do anything and please help him. Yea I fell for that too! Then after we were married so many things happened and it was always me being jealous or one thing or the other. I have always had pretty good self esteem but I felt it dropping … Fast. Well I found more and more things that just added up to much like my son finding sex videos in his VCR . SO just when I was getting ready because of that. I find out in three and a half months pregnant at 38 years old. I was completely devastated and did not know what to do. So I talked with him we go to counseling and he made all the million promises AGAIN! So here we go, well he was not so nice to my son after that but I did not find that out till later. But mean while at our sons about age 3 I stumble across these phone numbers in his appointment book with names to them some women some men oh these numbers toll free numbers and long distance numbers. I forgot to mention that all during this marriage I have been the bread winner he is a hair dresser and apparently playing the bachelor role as a married man. I called some of these numbers and I was sick some of the numbers were even gay men call. So yes I went nuts and I did not know what to do he is a smooth talker and. Knew he would talk his way out of it so. Needed hard core proof. I did the craziest thin I put a tape player on our phone line (he still thinks. Hired a private detective I never said what I did) but I have a tape full and I cannot get it out of my head 13 years later. I even here him talking to men and it sounded like he was enjoying that way more than being with me. I kept to myself as long as I could cause I Did not know what to do. In the mean time before I found this I was ding everything I could t make him want me and not do these thing. Of corse nothing worked and of corse when he can’t fully function sexually it was always my fault to him at least. Well yea because I did not want my two year old alone with him I stuck it out. No I have not wanted sex with him and I focused on other things like my kids and played softball and anything I could do to keep him away from me. Well the worst thing in the world happened to me on May 12 2012. My oldest son was shot and killed right in front of me because his neighbor saw us outside playing around and she thought he was hurting me so with no questions ask sh came over and killed him. It has been awful. I have been at my parents house with my son because it was so hard to be in the house that I had raised him in and had been in since he was born. March 2012 just before this happened I came home from a ball tournament early and did not stay over night and he was not home but that is another long story but he never really got that straight with me before this happened to my son. He was with me for the first year and half at my parents house then he went back to our house, my house. Any way he has again begged me to come home and let’s make a family well I want to go home to my house but I don’t want him there and he did the unthinkable . He has gone into the room of my dead son and moved things and watches TV in there and I can’t believe he did that. Well in mean time he is still telling me how sorry he is for everything and that he just wants me and our son to come home and be a family and that he is the only one trying and that it is unfair to him to make him be alone and that I’m so wrong and that he has been more than patient with me for three years. Well I’m not myself and may never be so I was trying to finally get my things together and I come across my cell phone bill. Well guess what this man who is trying soo…. Hard is having regular phone sex on his cell phone with gay men for at least two hours at a time. While I am still trying hard in my state of grief to work to support my son and granddaughter my son left behind and paying the bills at my house that he is living in. I don’t know why feel scared or why I cannot just tell him to get lost. I don’t want to hurt my son. At the same time I know m not a good mom when I have all this on me from his dad at the same time. I don’t know what to do and counseling does not seem to be helping me. I need help if anyone has any suggestion please help. Why am I like this? It is the craziest thing. I would not expect anyone else to live like this so why do I ?
Feel sorry for your life. Be strong, we can’t change the past, fo use to make a better future. Horrible past mostly will turn one into evil, glad it did not happen to u.
Try to do things make u happy, if there are none, force yourself try new thing, maybe u will love one of them. And start travel, see the world, relax your mind.
Try different church if you can found someone who can truly love. Love heal pain.
Disconnect w the people who don’t love you, you don’t have extra heart for them to hurt or get stress.
Online read more related topic till it help u change your mindset and can let go of the horrible past.
Don’t let your past drag u down.
Tell yourself, u will win it.
My heart goes out to you. I have lived that He’ll, and then, in the middle of everything, he died of a sudden and horrible disease, leaving me a young widow. His death gave me my life back, and if given the chance to re-do everything, I would never have married him, though, he was the love of my life. Run, and never look back.
I finally left my marriage Oct. 1 after 5 years of marriage to a SA. I found out 6 months after we were married that he was posting almost daily on craigslist for sex with other men. I cracked his email account and craigslist account. He had been posting ads and meeting men for sex since 2007 and we met in early 2009. As with most of the other posts he made promise after promise that he was going to stop and to this day even after I have moved out and filed for divorce he is begging and promising for another chance. Unfortunately, he only wants a reconciliation not because he has changed and loves me and wants to be with me but because he doesn’t want me to get half of everything we have. I know I have to stay strong and move forth with this divorce, but it is so upsetting that he gets to continue living in our home, driving his expensive truck and live without any inconvenience while I’m living out of boxes in a friends living room with no job and no money. I wish I had left when I first found out but I wanted to believe all his promises. The posts here are right about one thing SAs are convincing liars and they will never change.
Diane
Thank you for your sharing your story. Even though it was difficult for your transition you still had the courage to make your move and walk by faith.
That helps a lot. You made it out healthy which is a blessing.
Just want to thank you for this website…I have to cope with my husband’s betrayal with a prostitute nearly 30 years ago (we’ve been married for 43 yrs now)!!!! Men can just put it behind them as if nothing happend but its not so easy for us women…I realy struggle with it and need answers: but thank you all the letters are a big help….God bless this website……Shalom……
Thank you for this website….all the letters will certsinly help me to get answers on all my questions….
This is exactly what I am going through with my husband. OMG – so many signs but no concrete evidence. Though he STILL hasn’t admitted to me anything I and KNOW he has been escorting himself out to probably men and women!
Me too.. but i have evidence… and a 1 yr old with my husband. He too was single for 38 years.. we just got married in 2014. Im so depressed i feel so alone and i don’t know what to do. Its my first marriage and i don’t want a divorce but i can’t be in this situation forever.
Been here and done this. Everybody got counseling and we are coming out of the other side. My situation did not involve any actual contact, just cruising, emails and texts with Craigslist before we were in a relationship and secret phone sex during the relationship which I discovered from phone bills (after a big fight where he moved out). Our sex life was practically non-existent due to ED. My guy had been a bachelor for 20 years and had learned some habits for non-committal contact. When things became difficult in a “real” relationship, he reached out for comfort from the old arenas.
It hasn’t been easy and if he had not gotten immediate help with a sex addiction specialist I wouldn’t be having this conversation. We both have come to understand that this situation was not as much sex addiction as it was a serious communication problem between us that led to great dissatisfaction for both of us – especially in the bedroom.
Put all your energy into self-esteem work and get counseling. There is a TON of great resources out there on the internet, books, etc. on PISD – (post infidelity stress disorder) – sex addiction, infidelity, etc. Study hard. The answers will become apparent.
Much love to you all.
I found out my husband of 16 years has been going to escorts on backpage. Girls as young as 19, we have a 16 year old daughter – how gross is that! He makes me sick. I found these escort numbers 2 years ago and we went to great lengths to change his phone number because he said it was spam and someone hacked his phone. Now too much evidence is adding up. I feel alone. It’s embarrassing. I haven’t told my parents. I’m in shock still. I can’t believe this happened to me. Thank you ladies for sharing your story. Is anyone not worried about diseases?
We advocate a full STD panel for any women who discovers that she is in a relationship with a sex addict, even if he swears it is only porn. They all say that. ~ JoAnn
Thank you.
My situation is a bit different,I have a male friend we use to be more years ago,he would text me on and off for a few years.He moved away and I wasn’t losing sleep over him going..To be blunt he gave me an std,I was devastated,embarrassed thankfully it was easy to cure and I learned a valuable lesson.A few months ago he texts general hi how are you then right into vulgar sexual texts.I know he has issues and honestly I think what he went through in his childhood really shut his emotions off,I had some sympathy.I find out he’s married now and his wife is pregnant.He works for a sports organization and there it was on their website,the happy couple,the lavish wedding,baby registry and his son was born a few weeks ago.So the whole time he was sexting me,sending me videos of himself pleasuring himself and trying to set up a date to come down and have sex,his wife was pregnant.He hides and has different face books and Twitter etc from different people.He was so specific in one text that he did not wanna use condoms.I never met up with him and told him to stop texting me.I knew he was a pig after a few weeks when we were together years ago,I never thought he would get married or have a child,he’s so selfish,narcissistic and only wants to go get drunk.I feel like someone should tell her,be afraid he’s definitely trying to cheat and I’m sure I’m not the only one he texted or when he’s on the road.He has no problem spreading diseases and clearly didn’t learn a lesson if he was saying no condoms.I feel guilty but I don’t wanna blow a new mothers world up,I fear for her and her baby.He drinks to excess,he shouldn’t be left alone with a baby.Should I just leave it alone or send a message to be careful,I really don’t know
I would wish for a message. Even if I wouldn’t react well to it.
Yes I agree, i would want to know too
Asha
I’m going through the same thing after 20 years of marriage.
Get to a doctor and get a complete medical exam and blood work.
Tell the Dr your concerns and they will know which tests to order.
My husband he infected me and didnt tell me his secret so I could seek medical care. He destroyed any chance of becoming a father with me. His choice in whores were girls were 22 years old and younger. There is no competition with a child’s body in my opinion. I told him it equates to rape to insert himself into something that small. Totally disgusting.
He is in his own hell dealing with those memories, failure as a husband, a protector and a man.
A counselor advised me to remember who I was and what I wanted out of life prior to marriage, use discernment regarding money matters, stick to my decisions and walk into my destiny with confidence praying hard every step of the way. It’s really their problem. Don’t let their vacuum of sin suck the life out of you.
It’s devasting and I lost 60 lbs. I couldn’t even hold food down because I was disgusted with him, I cant take enough showers to wash it off of me, money wasted, and deception. “In sickness and health” I got him some help to get him stronger now I’m taking steps to get out of the marriage. I’m claiming full restoration of my life, a good night’s rest and peace of mind in Jesus name.
Found backpage website in his web history on phone and phone numbers numerous times. I just had his second child and saw this when baby was 7 weeks old. And two years ago I seen escort agency number dialed. Pieces are coming together. He is a drug addict and when has money he leaves for the night and now I know what he is doing. He denies it and says its his friends looking them up. I have his phone records and see the numbers and googled them and of pix of those sick parasites posing for camera dirty dirty humans destroying my life. Should i hire a private investigator with the no money I have or is this enough evidence. He also comes home showered after his drug nights now I know. I am very decent looking he has ruined my self esteem. I am planning on leaving him…need advice. I cant live with him with my children anymore. Or look at him.
I, too, am in shock. I’ve been married to my dream come true for 3 years now. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. He’s so good to me. I found out 3 weeks ago that my prince has been having a cyber affair with a man for 7 years. I became suspicious in September of last year when I caught him typing to a shemale online. He lied and said all he does is look….then I snoop ed on his computer and saw something I wish I’d never seen. A message from his boyfriend….I feel like I’ve been punched in t h e stomach and I can’t catch my breath. I’ve lost 15 pounds, I feel like his second choice for sex. I’ve lost my self esteem, I feel like I can’t compete with a man because I don’t have a penis. I’m lost, hurt, confused and emotionally drained. I confronted him 3 weeks ago, and he confessed to his affair with this man. He says it’s an addiction and would I forgive him and help him. I love him, but will I ever be enough for him sexually? I even bought a strap on to make him maybe desire me instead of a shemale. I don’t want a divorce, I love him. I want him happy sexually, but I doubt I can do that for him. I told him I was willing to do whatever it takes to satisfy his sexual urges. He claims to not being on porn sites since I caught him, but I’m having trouble trusting him. I’ll ask him how his day was and he says it’s a struggle everyday to not look at porn. I think his struggle is not talking to men and having sex with them online. He says he’s not gay, and has never physically been with a man and doesn’t desire to, but I don’t believe him. Please pray for me, that I can work through this. I’m tired of being second in his sex life.
My story is identical to most I’ve read here today. Thought I was alone in this torment and a lie of a marriage. I met my husband 4 years ago and he immediately swept me off my feet. Filling me with all the promises and saying I’m his perfect picture of a soul mate. I had just divorced my first husband of 10 years about 9 months before I met my husband now. I got divorced because he was a drug addict and stayed out all night until the drugs ran out. I had refused to raise our two young sons around that.
So my new love was aware of my previous reason for divorce and what I dealt with. Promising that he nothing like that in any way. So, about a year later we got engaged then married 1 and a half years ago. Everything was so perfect at first. Yes, I was aware he liked to drink and on occasion he’d go out drinking and stay out all night. I’d let him I didn’t approve of that and he’d promise to not do it again. Then last year, he lost his job bc of the oil market, we sold our home to have money to live off of until a new job came up. Well, his behavior changed dramatically! He’d drink and go out at least 3 times a week and stay gone for days, drug induced I found out.
I ended up leaving him for a short time to get him to see the err of his ways. Lots of tears and empty promises unfortunately. Until, 3 days ago when something told me to look up his old phone records from last year. My gut had told me these past 6 months since we got back together that something was not right. Much to my surprise, he has been contacting escorts very often. I don’t have proof he’s actually met up with them though. Just hours upon hours of “sexting” and pictures exchanged. I became aware after more digging that he’d been getting hotel rooms in the past on the nights he didn’t come home, which his phone record activity with escorts matched the same dates.
So now I’m left wondering what to do!? I’m humiliated, angry, heartbroken and disgusted! If I confront him about it he will deny it, even with the proof. He’s a narcissist to the highest degree so I know how the confrontation will end up. I know I should leave bc he’s not going to change. I’ve asked around and heard he’s had a problem with getting escorts years before I came into the picture so it nothing that’s new to him. Just makes me mad that he divorced his ex-wife over cheating when he basically does the same thing!
I’m glad to here everyone’s stories on hear. Gives me comfort to know I’m not alone.
So amazing! Here’s my story. Fell in love married had three blessed children with this wonderful man. Surfs works hard always provided. 3 weeks ago found he got a text saying “in Carlsbad” I asked him who this was. He went outside and his on his phone. Went to bed and forgot about it. Early next morning he was sitting in the dark and told me he has been getting happy endings and blowjobs. He left for work. I remembered N old email he had logged in and found emails to a gay guy that he was sending sick pictures to and nasty my dicks so hard fuck now? Was horrified!! So I took a screen shot and sent it to him to explain.
Found out he had had two affairs while working at stater Bria early in our marriage. Then I asked him for the phone records log in info. He has been calling numerous Sex lines off of backpage and craigslist, for our whole marriage like 10 years. I then found a tranny app that he had been paying tyrannies to be a bottom and would even suck their dicks too
he told me his first experience was while getting a haircut and a tranny seduces him. He likes it and kept going back.
Women!!! If you go into your Appt store unde update, you can look at purchases apps and it shows all!!!
They downloAd these apps to meet then they delete them after setting something up. If you find this 99% they have done it!!
He is getting help but our whole marries for 10 years he’s been lying and someone else.
I got tested and made him to sick to think he would have a dick and some guys cum in his mouth. we r clean thank god and I don’t have to embarras my children that way from his choices.
He is getting help and I’m almost there too. Always had a good sex life and did things normal women would not for their straight husbands. I don’t know what to do. He is serial cheater and has gotten with everything women men trannys.
When men cheat, they always turn it around and say their exes cheated on them. My advice “leave” its hard but the longer you stay, the longer, you’re putting your life on hold. They’re not worth it. I just left mine and it took me a while to do it, but now that I have, I don’t know why I believed him when he said he’d change., it just got worse… They say, when a man cheats twice, there will be many many more to come, it an addiction.. Read “why does he do that” by Lundy bankroft. It help me understand a lot
Hi everyone! I’m so thankful that I found this website. I also just want to share my story and my experience being with my now 3-years boyfriend. So basically, I am a single parent and I met my boyfriend at a hospital, where we both work. He is now working as a nurse, and I am currently half-way done with nursing school. A month and a half ago, he revealed to me that his conscience has been eating him alive: He told me that in the first few months of our relationships, he went to one of those massage parlors which offers a “HAPPY-ENDING” massages for 4 (four) times. He said, that he sees a future with me, and he wants to be with me, and he wants to marry me and have a family with me. So, he states that in order for our relationship to move forward, he wants to be able to give me an informed decision, as to wether or not to stay in a relationship with him.
After knowing what he just told me, it absolutely shattered my heart. It felt like someone had punched me hard in my stomach and made me so nauseous and sick. I love him so much, so I decided to forgive him for what he did. However, I have been realizing now that I could forgive him, but I could never forget what he did to me. However, prior to his revelation, l was also aware that he was watching a lot of pornographies, and was even spending a lot of money paying for pornography sites. To cut the story short, 2 days ago, I logged into his e-mail account and found out that he has an online account for ADULTFRIENDFINDER, where you can solicit sex from other people, and vice versa. He has his picture posted on the website, and I was able to actually also log into the adultfriendfinder website, and saw a lot of messages from random chicks offering sex to him. I did not see any messages where he actually responded back to these girls, but just knowing that he had an online account at these websites makes me feel so disgusted.
I want to talk to him and ask him why? Why did he do this to me… Any advice on how I can approach or ask him about this concerns? I am thinking of breaking up with him, but at the same time, I don’t want to just disrgard the 3 years that I have spent with him.
Get out. Adultfriendfinder is a sex site and not joke. Get yourself tested and move on with your life.
Hi please be careful , I have been married for over 50 years and have had so many things happen that I should have realised was not right. AFtwr having my baby at 22 I caught my husband in bed with a photo of our last women home owner, she was a lot older than us but her husband took nude photos of her and took great delight in showing us, I was discussed (Along time ago). Anyway we bought a maisonettes and I had our daughter, my husband was on night work and had just gone to bed and I had problem with our baby, iI went to our bedroom to ask him to help and he had a photo of the women sticking out from the pillow, he did not answer when I asked why? It went on to him buying porn books and hi duping in his ford van looking at them, I felt so so low just did not understand. He even after when the into the shed to look at porn books when we bought our bungalow after my daughter grew up, I was so upset and did not understand, I thought I was enough. Any way I did start drinking as I was so down and eventually went to,AA to get off the drink, after 18 Months without a drink and doing phone service to help others, He went out one day and after an hour I got a phone call ,, it was his voice phoning our number by mistake asking where you are Karen and how much is the happy ending, when he vpcame home he dried it, but four days later he said it was him and did not need it. I have been hapeart broken ever since and feel over 50 years has been a waste I will NEVER trust him again what a waste of MY life, please don’t do the same as me I’m heart broken. Ps I loved sex so do not understand even dressed up for him to turn him on. Help
Leave. Get yourself a therapist . Get tested for STDs and LEAVE. You need to protect yourself and your child. You are not married and you have no children together. He has an addiction and does not seem interested in getting help. AdultFriendFinder is a pit of depravity that would make you vomit. If he is there you don’t want him to drag you down with him. I know it hurts but sometimes love is not enough to make a relationship work. LEAVE.
I’m so sorry that you are hurting so dreadfully! Be strong!
April
My story is somewhat similar. I’ve been married to my husband for a year and I’m almost six months pregnant.
Two days ago I caught him sexting another girl for the third time. After confronting him yet again after talking with her… he spilled it. He watches porn excessively, he masterbates excessively and he calls 1 800 sex lines. He’s been doing this for years. He’s even slept with escorts. So I went and stayed with my sister in law. She told me he has done this his entire life basically.
I agreed to stick it out because he’s agreed to get help… but am I doing the right thing? What if he slips again and our daughter is here?
I have a boyfriend who can not commit and lies about everything-even things that aren’t big. He was a porn addict, stalking women online, and only liked a girl that had no curves and a body of a child. I tried talking to him, he promised to stop, and I tested by taking the private browser off. Well, of course it was taken down and he was looking up porn, or certain girls he liked to stalk within a few days (I should have known by now). I have became less attracted to him a little each time he lied. I am at the point now where I now know I can and will do better. I dated a child and a pathological liar. I should have known when I noticed that I was the only one doing things (small or big) to be romantic and help our relationship. I see him now, and think “ew, why am I with this person?” I figured out I was in love with a fake person who I thought to be faithful. I am getting out of this situation now, just waiting 2 more weeks for our lease to be up. I have wasted 4 years of my life with him, when I could be with a real man, who commits, is not a porn addict or pathological liar. I have turned down very nice, trusting, and handsome men so many times, because I was faithful. Now I wish I would have left him after 1 month. I would move on if I were you….there are better fish in the sea
I feel like I lost 4 years of my life with a guy too, just recently found out that every time he was angry, he would go and pick up a hooker or anyone willing. I feel sick and am very traumatized but I know the future looks bright, cause I finally found the strength to move on. I try not to think of it as a waste though, just a stepping stone to learning about my self on this self discovery as to why I would pick this type of man. I”ve learned a lot and am much stronger. Good luck
Oh my god, I can’t believe how many stories I had to scroll through to leave a comment. It’s crazy how rampant this addiction is. Over the course of the last year I’ve discovered more and more about my husband’s infidelity. We are both recovering drug addicts and I have been very active in a 12 step program, him, not so much. Over the years I found little clues, but he would explain them away. I thought I was crazy because I was so paranoid and over the top with rage. I started seeking mental health treatment, was diagnosed bipolar. Surprisingly enough, I no longer have those symptoms now that I’ve discovered the truth. At first I caught him having an affair out of the country last year. A few months later, I discovered he’d slept with a prostitute on another trip. He admitted that he had occasionally slept with prostitutes during our 8 year relationship. He admitted that more had happened with the women I’d suspected him of having affairs with in the past than he’d told me. We started marriage counseling and he got an AA sponsor, started working the steps. Recently, I broke into a secret email account he had and discovered he’d lied about breaking off the affair after I caught them. He had flown to Panama and met the girl while I was away on vacation. He had been messaging me the whole time that he was sorry he’d hurt me and he hoped he hadn’t ruined my trip and I could trust him and he wanted to make things right. Lies. He lied about it in marriage counseling and about many other things. Two weeks ago I went into his email again and discovered he’d deleted the first secret account and created a new one. There were dozens of pictures of whores. I mean more than I had the stomach to count. He had emailed himself the contact info of the girl he’d had the affair with, pictures of his ex wife in a bra since we’ve been together, girls in a hotel he took me to as part of our reconciliation, promising he’d never cheated on me there. There were many, many pictures of girls in that place. I still haven’t left. I don’t know why. I’m a successful independent woman. I have a good career and a doctorate degree. I have wonderful friends and a great life outside my marriage. He went away for one night yesterday and I had a breakdown. I was shaking and full of anxiety. I lost 3 hours at work. Swear to god- lost 3 hours! I don’t know what happened. Today I cried all morning. I cannot discuss any of this with him or he responds angrily and tells me I’m being dramatic. I feel like two people existing at the same time. I’m losing my mind. It’s such a big step to move out. We’ve built a whole life together and I feel like I would lose so much, just when he’s starting to take steps to get better. But I cannot deal with the deceit. Thank you all for being here.
I just found out yesterday my husband of 6 years reached out to another woman to meet up while he was away for work. Never have I been so sick in my life especially when we had intercourse the night before and we were together when he did this. We have children together and part of me says run he has most likely done this before even if he says he didn’t. His claim is he loves me and never would have had the balls to go through with it and it was his first time.
My main thing I’ve always said was whatever you do says it is over before moving on. Now I don’t know what to do.
My father was a cheater and I always swore I would never tolerate that
I’m in EXACTLY the same boat as you. Husband was away for work while he was propositioning women on Craigslist. He swears too that he never met anyone but I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore.
Well i first realized something was wrong with my 13 year marriage when one evening out of nowhere my husband comes into the room and says, I’m moving out, I’ve been looking at places”.i was beyond shocked. I had no idea he wasn’t happy in our marriage. We had a very nice house, owned a business together, nice cars. We did things together, not sex but we never fought. We talked about future retirement. Plans. The he pulls the rug out from under me. Well, he informed me he needed space . I decided to move out into the oceanfront condo. We still ran the business together.vthats when I found them. He had been looking at porn videos. Specifically Asian porn. I was shocked I’m no prude. But we didn’t have sex for long periods. Like other stories always a excuse! That’s when I also noticed he had put a lock on his cell phone
I overheard a conversation with someone he called honey about sending money to her.
So I started checking the cell phone bills. He had been calling, texting Asian happy ending massage parlors in our town and frequently a woman back in New York. I’m talking over 600 itexts in a month. 1min, 1 min 1 min. I was so hurt, and confused. What did I do? What’s wrong with me. .He has NEVER ,NEVER thought he did wrong. Even when he had them at our house staying over while I was out of town on medical appts, or taking care of his mother..he had convinced me he wanted to try and make our marriage work. He never stopped his addictive behavier. We are just now divorced 2 years of attorneys and mental torture & stress. I have lost just sbout everuthing. I trusted him, loved him, took care of him, he had me totslly convinced i had found my soulmate. Hes a chameleon.
Csn be what the woman wants/needs until he has gotten all he can. California just doesn’t care how these men cheat, lie & steal.
Thankfully I found this website to share my story it has been keeping in my heart for months,
I’m a Asian woman 33 my fiancé is white, we met and lived tgt in Asia counties, when I first met him
Was doubt he is a player, foolish around in Asia, he had ever be honest to me he had a few sp after 2 serious relationship with his ex, at the started i didn’t fall in the relationship quickly, after a few months later I moved in to his flat, I found out he had some strange sex desire like having sex while looking though the phone screen, deep throat, asked about anal sex, addicted to mastrbution. But things never went too far and except that weird fantasy in his head, we caring each other so much, meet up his family fies over his country, been lots of travelling, collected a lot happy memories together, I started falling in love and trusting him, at the 4th year, we planed our future and talk about marriage. After we had engaged His best friends gf told me my fiancé sent him some pictures and video about his naked body, the video showed he was doing mastribution, I was really shock and felt sick and I confronted it to him he told me he got drunk, so sorry etc. After servals months I still feel very hurt by what he did but I didn’t break up to him. About 8 months later he decided to break up with me and told me he is a fuctup person, I didn’t understand at all but I accepted. My heart was completely broken at I’m 33 engaged, now I lost everything. Back to my parents home and deal the hard feeling on my own. 2 weeks after break up I went back home to get my stuff hadn’t noticed him before. When I back home I found out another girl stuff already moved in, he went on lots of pornographers and added Random girls on fb. My whole body just shaking and couldn’t sleep well for a month. 3 months later, one of his friends told me he was captivated in a prison for weeks cos he had done some sexual crime a few times, I realised when I was being with him he had already done such horrible things, I feel lost, I can’t trust anyone again and not able to love but I am glad I found out all these things before my wedding.
jessica….what have you done,did you move out?? i just found out that my bf of 8 years has been sleeping with escorts on craigslist… and I am afraid to leave him too because we have a home together, I have a son that is not his, but he treats him like his own. He told me that he is addicted to the “fantasy idea, and that he pretends to meet up with these women, but does not actually meet up!! I know he is so full of shit… but feel like I cant leave him either… HELP
My story is as similar as all the rest, but the pain feels like I am alll alone, please help. Ok, been with my guy for 7 years. We have had our ups and downs, but I DO know that he loves me. Throughout the years, I have always stumbled across messages, either on his phone or on the computer and I was always irate but we always seem to get past it. However, the other night I came home from going out with a friend and he was asleep with my 18 month old son (who he treats like his very own) on the couch. I decided to browse the internet for a little, turned my tablet on, he had password protected it, I tried the password the first time, and it opened. BAM! All of a sudden there was one of those free text apps up, with a bunch of messages from random numbers. As I started to read them, there was a few from escorts( you could tell because they would talk about a “gift” or donation. The majority of the messages were basically him either talking about picking them up, or meeting at this hotel or just going in his car. One girl, he told to come to OUR HOUSE and she could go in the basement because “that bitch never goes down there”, referring to me. I began to hyperventilate so loud that I woke him up. He immedietly told me to please calm down, he loved me so much and all these years he has had an addiction to the whole “fantasy role play” thing, and that he would NEVER CHEAT ON ME, he loves me too much he just does this he thinks to possibly help him NOT to cheat. Said that he has been hiding with this secret for a long time, that I have always told him to be honest if he had a problem, and I would be ok with it (apparently I told him that before when I caught him doing something). At the time, I was sOOO extremely upset, but to hear him tell me that he DIDNT cheat, must have calmed me down, because he is still here. I however told my mother the next day,and literally as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized how ridiculous it sounded, and how obvious it sounded that he was lying and saying whatever he had to,because I had caught him and he had no choice. At this point, he acts as though I should be greatful that he told me, and that im ridiculous to think he is cheating!! HELP ME! I honestly dont care if he does the whole internet girl thing… that doesnt bother me, but actually meeting up with a woman just breaks my heart. I find myself going CRAZY and wanting to believe him, but then thinking how dumb I sound.,and I am worried that if I stay, and let him get away with this, I am doomed for heartache. I told him I have not figured out his punishment yet, or even how I am going to handle the whole internet within itself for him,and what restrictions I am going to place on him. I need some help… PLEASE??? AM i stupid, do you think he really has this fantasy addictions.. and HOW DO I HANDLE THINGS NOW, I would hate for him to truly have this fantasy addiction, and me stop him, which would ultimately MAKE him go out and cheat!! PLEASE ANY AND ALL ADVICE????
I have never joined a thread on the internet, much less about something so personal. Reading some of these is like looking in a mirror and it is breaking my heart all over again. So, backstory, about a year and a half before my husband and I got married, I found twenty craigslist posts running the gamut from m4w m4m m4mm m4mw, any and everything you can imagine describing the most depraved and descriptive things you can imagine. I was physically ill. I lost 30 pounds, I was severely depressed. He cried and swore himself to me and only me, said he was ashamed and curious and was even convinced that I was cheating and he thought if I was he should start detaching himself, that it never escalated beyond emailing. I wish I had been more patient and followed thru with investigating everything instead of being such a hot mess the same night I discovered his craigslist account. I managed to email some of the posts to myself, but he also managed to delete several from the account before I even got to read them. I never would have suspected him of being capable of hurting me in that way. He was always very vocal about how “disgusting” homosexuality is. I had to ask him if he was gay or bi and why he didn’t communicate his wants and needs with me, that as long as we loved each other I was willing to explore his fantasies. He never wanted to do that. Thing is, I’m much more kinky in the bedroom than he is, he was always very vanilla. He has problems with ed and premature ejaculation and takes testorone shots. He will even go soft in the middle of intercourse. If he hasn’t had a test shot, you can forget any intimacy. He doesn’t even seem mildly interested. All the while I am in my sexual prime and cannot seem to get enough of him. Him and only him. He has always been the only one I could ever want. I’m sure everyone is screaming, you should have left him then. But I forgave him. I didn’t forget however. This has all been a mindfuck of epic proportions.and left my self esteem in ruins. We built our relationship back, he allowed me all the questioning and crying and screaming I needed, he made me believe him when he said that he would never jeopardize our relationship again. We got married, the last year has been amazing, but the sex is extremely lackluster and infrequent. He isn’t taking his testosterone regularly and never seems interested. I can’t even get him hard if I try. He isn’t on his phone overly, he lets me look through it when I ask. He is home right after work and never goes anywhere without me. I just have a nagging feeling that something is wrong. Am I being too harsh? Am I being overly paranoid? All signs point to him being truly remorseful and changing his ways, he is even scheduled to get a tattoo as a reminder of what he almost lost when he let himself sink into that lifestyle. I don’t want to create any undo friction and I know from personal experience that if you accuse someone of doing something they aren’t it can backfire and someone who is constantly spying on you is a major turn off and I don’t want to invade his privacy. I love this man with every inch of my being, all of my heart and soul. But I don’t want to be blindsided again. I wanted to die last time. Seriously. I have been finding myself perusing the craigslist ads on the off chance of finding one that sounds like his, investigating messaging apps like Kik and trying to figure out how to find things out, if there is anything to find. It’s maddening and making me crazy. I know that if he was engaging in this behavior again he would be much more careful. I’m pretty sly, but I know he could hide it if he wanted. Should I just let sleeping dogs lie? Should I bring up my concerns and lingering heartache and try to talk to him about all of the uncertainty he left me with again? I still don’t grasp why. I don’t want to reopen old wounds for no reason.
Oh my. I just found out recently that my husband of only 8 months was emailing photos of himself to gay men on Craigslist and propositioning them and talking all about what they wanted to do to each other. I’ve known him most of my life but never suspected he was gay. He chased me for years and I agreed to go on a drive with him one night and fell head over heels…Never imagining his true feelings. He said he wanted me for years and now it was everything he ever imagined and more. He has a son …Early teens whom I love like my own. I’ve been totally devastated. I can’t get over this. He swears he never met any of them and that it was just a game to him. I have been tested for every sexual disease and came back completely clean. But I still don’t believe him. We are both around 50. My family doesn’t know anything about this. Only my best friend and her husband whom are a wonderful Christian couple. They have been there for me but I’m still on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It has been several months and I am still with him. But regrettably so.
It is so completely eerie how similar our stories are!! I’m about to graduate nursing school, my husband and I got engaged and married in almost the exact same time frame, and I found out about my husband’s affinity for Craigslist personals during winter break. Needless to say I can definitely relate! Welcome to the world of being married to a passive-aggressive narcissist. One of the worst wives clubs to be apart of! Especially when you throw sex addiction into the mix! I’m sorry for pain!! I’m going through it too. There is nothing more devastating than to realize the person you thought you knew, trusted, and loved completely is capable of such deception. However, deception is part of deal. It’s a way to covertly control others due to low self-esteem and self hatred usually stemming from some type of childhood trauma where they were repeatedly made to feel powerless. At least this has been my experience. I later found out my husband was sexually abused as a child. Keeping you in my prayers!!! You have a support system here!
Christine and all the other women on here..I’m so sorry for your pain. I am four months in since I found out about my husband and still a struggle
Everyday. Locking in a home for me and my children and then filing for divorce becuase I can’t get past the feeling being around him still. Very hard and wish you the best of your life.
Wow, my story is brutal too. Married for 27 years together 32. There were many signs that my hubby was into porn way too much, junk emails filling up with sex sites, embarrassing because we have grandchildren who play on our iPads and iPhones. My husband is a courier so he meets people all day long, he is a flirt, this has been a source of conflict in our marriage. So last year my husband hurt his knee at work, he was off for 4 months. While I was at work, he was watching porn, cruising casual encounters and backpage. Looking up erotic massage. Making calls to escorts for full service massage. He wanted our vehicle all the time, I would ask why, you go to thereapy twice a week, we are low on money. I was oblivious until last Nov, when I opened our sent emails to find an email address and there it was he answered a craigslist casual encounter ad, for sex, he wanted to help this lady out with her problem cause it seems he had the same one. I sat at work in stunned amazement, as my mind caught up to all the signs that I had ignored. We had no sexual contact, because of his ED. He had been a complete jerk all summer, obscessed with his phone, wouldn’t look me in the eye, avoided any kind of intimacy. I went home early from work and confronted him and of course he denied it, but I work with computers so the proof was staring him in the face. He admitted he did it but nothing happened, he was bored…..poor baby. Did I mention he was 63 years old. I started to be a detective, and then I confronted him with full disclosure. I got the truth out of him a little at a time, it took over a month. Well he was calling escorts, and going to the bank and driving to their apartments to get a massage with a handjob. He did this 10 times with 3 escorts. He was watching porn for most of the day that I was at work, or cruising hook up sites. He called our cell provider to try to have the calls erased, I already had them all.. since then I am not the same person, I have become a violent raging ban she on occasion, to a withdrawn shell of my former self. I am 58 years old, just came out of menopause and this man has just ruined our lives. He knows it, he is so very sorry, had too much time on his hands, was curious, was in a mid life crisis, wanted to see if the ED was just with me. He went to his doctor and got a prescription for Viagra, which he was using with the escorts. He swears it was all just for the bodyslide and handjob, there was no sex, I do not believe him. It has been 8 months and I am trying to work out this betrayal of my trust, the blow to my self esteem and my sexuality. I asked him why he didn’t think I needed a sex life, he didn’t even think about that. So he has a sneaky sex life with young women in their 20’s, I have absolutely none, and he thinks nothing about it. He refuses to go to counselling, says he will never do this again, but he has failed to tell me why he did any of it. His answer is I don’t really know, I was selfish. I cry everyday for the life I have lost. I still love him, and I know he loves me, but when does this not become such an elephant in the room? When do I start to feel like myself?
I
I’m so sorry to hear these stories. I am so sickened. I found out he has been going to strip clubs, googling erotic massage parlors and going there. He admits it after I showed him I found his searches (including google searches using his voice). So I had to hear his voice search for these places. Sent shivers down my spine and broke my heart all at the same time. He says he didn’t do what I think he did at the massage places. Many are legitimate places but several are clearly not and are advertised as such. Just googling nude or erotic massage and going there is bad enough. He says it is a porn thing, he says he doesn’t have magazines to look at, he did this instead. He said no one ever touched him inappropriately, he never had anyone nude, they were jut older massage people, no one scantily clad and that he touched no one and that nothing was ever offered for $. He said he wouldn’t risk himself legally and he would not risk his health and reputation for this. He also said he would never cheat and that he spends so much time with us that he is rarely not around, even working close to home and volunteering at school, church and coaching. I get all that and he looks crushed AND his sister and Mom have talked to him about this. He swears nothing ever happened when he has gone to the seedy places, but I know some of these places have been busted. He is an executive. He comes from a totally close, religious, strong moral family. Pillar in community. He held himself to be someone who frowned about this stuff. He was vocal about guys who do this. I’m 11 years younger than him and we have been married 13 years and have three children. He is 51. He doesn’t have porn videos on phone or computer or dirty magazine books, but it looks like he has googled searches for snippets of videos on YouTube, a minute or two long. Since this was discovered, I have gone through all phone records, bank statements in addition to GPS on his phone for as far back as a year. I have found no evidence of phone calls, text to any woman not business related, no gps was found at any houses or apartments or condos or hotels. I have found no videos or texts from any women or agency or seedy place. But I could see when he went to the strip clubs, when he went to the massage parlors and I can see the phone calls he made to and from me and his family around the times he went to these places which feels very deceitful and above conscience. He is in counseling, but we have yet to go together as a couple. Of course I feel like my romantic life and our marriage, our love story is a lie. I feel like my friendship with him is not ever going to be the same, and that my faith in him is crushed. It doesn’t seem as bad as it could be, but the fact he sees to be entering a slippery slope had which seemed to occur in the middle of stressful stuff at work and the fact that as I tried to help him with that stress, he had just gone to these strip clubs and massages around the week/weekend of Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays. He even went to a strip club with high-end clients on a business trip and then went back to his room and searched for in room massage but his phone records and his text records show that no call was ever made that he did it as a fantasy like porn. I know he wouldn’t call from the hotel phone because the company has the invoice. Is it possible men just do this in their head as a fantasy because they don’t want to cheat or have a relationship with another woman, they just want a porn like experience? It’s seems many have commented here something similar, as if their men imagine or fantasize but say they don’t call or don’t go through. Or is it just all lies? Obviously the emotions of being a mother and trying to protect my family and how I’ve been talking to his mom and sister and him but I have not told my own family and friends so if we work it out they won’t hate him…it’s eating at me. That’s why I’m posting. I’m willing to protect him to figure things out, which shows the kind of person I am. Maybe it’s pure stupidity. I feel like it’s loyalty, me fighting for my kids , to try to do as promised when I married and provide them a secure family for the rest of their lives. It comes at a price. I’m not doing well.
You are not fulfilling your promise to your children by keeping them in an abusive home. You are teaching them that it is okay to be abused. Children suffer from unhealthy situations just as you do. There is no way to hide this from the children, they know far more than you think.
It is much better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one. ~ JoAnn
Hi Mia
His ED is to do with his porn addiction and need for an ever increasing high plus over work on his hand jobs..its a brain disease. Look at sites like myporn and brain disease you will understand it more then. The porn rewires the brain and partners become far less attractive than the fantasy they live on line
Hi Mia,
You won’t believe my story!! I am 70 and my husband is 74! We just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. After all the 200 invites were sent out for a big celebration at our home, I was in his computer (which I never touched before–I always trusted him implicitly) looking for pictures of us during the past 50 years to put on a CD to play during the party. I found pictures alright—yikes! What I saw was shocking! About 10 photos of him with some woman having wild sex with some guy watching them. I was floored and totally in shock! 50 years I had lived with this man!
My daughter, her husband and five grandchildren were coming the next day and I knew I had to act normal until after the party. I should have won an Academy Award pretending everything was okay. My daughter (42) kept saying, “Mom, are you okay? You seem so distant, so sad, not your perky self.” I just smiled as I felt the trauma and betrayal well up inside of me.
We had the party, the family left, and I began to put two and two together. I found AdultFriendFinder.com and his clandestine e-mail account which was NOT password protected and I was in for a bigger shock. 32 pictures of him in various sexual positions with 20, 30, 40, and 50 year old “MWF” (Married White Females). He was a Swinger and had had multiple encounters all over the United States with no telling how many Swinger Couples. I was horrified.
My husband is a retired Lt. Col. in the AF—even graduated from the Air Force Academy, flew B-52’s and retired at age 42. He never got another job which was when I became a top producing real estate agent to make ends meet and raise our then 9 year old daughter. Was I gone a lot? Yes! Was he home a lot with nothing to do? Yes. I knew for about 20 years that he was addicted to alcohol and porn. My thoughts were that if he just looked and relieved himself, there was nothing wrong with that—all men do it. The danger in that thinking is that Porn addiction leads to Sex Addiction. They can never seem to get enough.
As I write this, my husband has just driven across country to do some work on our daughter’s house. For years, he has enjoyed taking “road trips” while I was working my heart out to make ends meet. Well, duh!!! He was stopping all along the way, hooking up with every Swinger Couple and some single ladies and I am sure some prostitutes he could find along the way! The emails go back to 2001. We were married in 1967. Makes me wonder how long this has been going on. I feel so very, very stupid and embarrassed that a lifetime went by before I realized what was going on.
On his AdultFriendFinder.com profile page he brags about all of his conquests. And, guess what? He still does not know that I know. I have gotten a zip drive and downloaded all of the pictures on it. I have printed off many of the email threads where the communication is a hook up. I have seen a therapist and have an attorney. He is driving from my daughter’s home to visit his 97 year old Mother in 10 days at which time he will receive a fed-x package (to be signed for) with all of the hard evidence in it to include the zip drive, a letter from me and a proposal that the attorney has drawn up.
He is a kind, sweet and sensitive man who has always been a great Father and Grandfather. If you met him you would say, “no, it’s impossible, not HIM!! I am not giving him the opportunity of changing his ways. I know in my heart he won’t and I do not want to live out the rest of my life in such dramatic turmoil! Sex is way more important to him than I am. After all these years I do not want to ever see him again or be with him. Our sex life has been non existent for a very long time. He has had penile dysfunction with me, but he sure did not have it with any of his encounters and I found out that Viagra is really expensive! The lying and deception are so hard to fathom. This all makes me have a lump in my throat and sick to my stomach.
I have requested that out of respect for me, he stay in the city where his Mother, Brother and Sister are, which is 1500 miles away from me. I prefer to live alone. Fortunately, I have a financial nest egg that includes three free and clear rental homes (deeded as my sole and separate property) from all of my years in real estate and many of my assets are my sole and separate so financially I am fine. I am extremely independent and have lots of great, crazy girlfriends. I am sure I will miss his companionship but I will be glad to be rid of him. To all my younger sisters who are married to a sex addict—Good Luck! Pray a lot and get out of the marriage if you can! There is a better life out there for you.
I guess am not the only person who is betrayed by her husband. Strip club prostitutes porn and escorts have destroyed many happy families. I dont blame them.if the man is right he would never do any of these under any circumstances. Don’t know u men cheat.y they go behind something which is not theirs? How can they cheat the soul who loves him cares for him sacrifices evrything for him why?? I m an Indian woman had a good job good education good family evrything.i loved him and married against many relatives wishes. Today i m crying suffering mentally emotionally. The very man whom I loved unconditionally n left evrything and cane to US with him cheated me. He might have not physically had sex with women but he watches porn n masturbates next to me when I am sleeping. But i m awake. He talks to escorts and chats with them even now. He doesn’t wanto have sex with me coz he has work tension.i had recently miscarriage he even chatted with escort during tht time he was doing same on my birthday. Stares at other women.i gave him ultimatum .He promised me begged me he will change but today he agreed he was staring at my friends breast right in front of me n her husband. We went for therapy nothing changed. I love a lot may be he is not very bad as a person. He loves me and scared tht i may leave him.but still he is unable to change.what should I do?? I gave me many chances . I know men look at other women but not at this point of time when we r in fragile condition. I dont wanto go home like this.i want peace of mind.i wanto smile again.i can’t take lies and cheating. I want transperancy. I m confused alone frustrated disappoint lost hope in life I dont have anyone to share.my family dont know. I dont know why to do. M hurt
Hello I want to know has anyone stayed with their husband after being cheated on? Let’s say if it was only once?
Wow, I cannot believe how similar my story is to some of the ones I’ve read here. I left my husband in 2015, after finding out 3 years before that he had been having sex with men every chance he got( multiple online hookup sites, M4M on CL, he had sex with multiple men and young adult men of questionable age, he brought men to our house, took fake business trips, extended business trips, had multiple online personalities for hookups, 3 different email accounts with fake names, took out a credit card in both our names and used it to pay for trips and hotel rooms, and that’s just what I know about, I’m sure it was a lot more than that), since at least 2007. We tried 3 years of “trying to work it out” during which he played me over and over and I fell for it over and over. It’s now 2019 and we are finally divorced. I’m still haunted by thoughts of how could someone I loved and trusted implicitly for 30 years do this? It feels like PTSD. I’m much happier now that I left and it was the absolute right thing to do, but OMG, how do I heal from this betrayal?
I too just found out in December my husband is a sex addict. I am unsure if he has physically cheated because without evidence he would never admit it. But I found multiple sites like pornhub and IMVU on his computer. The Porn is disturbing but the chatroom breaks my heart. He said “its fake, its just a a game.” I was disgusted! No those ARE real people whether you have touched them or not you ARE building a relationship. I have two children from two previous marriages. Both of those relationships those men persued me for so long I eventually thought…”since they are trying so hard to date me it might be a great relationship.” WRONG. First one abusive alcoholic and poor distant father to my first child. Second one physically cheated on my while I was at nursing school and was addicted to multiple streets drugs. So when I got out of those relationships I told myself no more men finding me. Let me find the man of my dreams. Which ended up being my first online dating venture. It was not through a real dating site but a chatroom. I met my current husband we hit it off. Talking about religion. He claims he is a virgin and he is Muslim. I was agnostic at the time but eventually converted to Islam through no help of his. I wanted to learn more about his religion for him and I turned out to love it. We dated online for a year before meeting and getting married. 6 years we have been married with no children of our own. So in December I find these sites on his computer that he spent our money on buying stupid fake virtual gifts for women so I confronted him which he admits he was on the sites but does not believe it is a big issue. Though he said if it is a big issue for me he would stop. I told him he spends 50% of his time on the computer and 50% at work. He is often angry or sad when reflecting on life and I told him i believe he is depressed and needs help. I also said if he wanted to stay together I demanded he get therapy or see a psychiatrist. He agreed and then later cancelled the appointment. When I asked why he blantently said “i dont need to. There is not anything wrong with me. Every guy does this.” He said he stopped but I found it again last week. Looking back I remember telling him to make love to me like a wife not like a h**. Because thats how I felt he treated me. Buying me outfits saying horrible things I have never even heard in my life. But i love him for who he was when we met. At least the part that I saw. His faith is what I loved. I now believe he has been addicted to pornography from a young age. After all he met me in an online chatroom. He is also my third marriage. I dont want to start over. But I dont want to live like this. Our intimacy was good or so I thought. We were intimate 2 or 3 times a week though I rarely felt love. Just used or like a toy. I feel like this is my fault. Darn me for “let me find the guy instead of the guy finding me” and then choosing the internet to search for him. Silly naive girl! What did you think a self professed virgin Muslim man would want with a twice divorced mother of two from the internet?!?!?!