My question is, ‘Do I stay and hope for the best, or say fuck it I’m done?’
I met my husband 9 years ago. We married almost 6 years ago. During our first years of marriage I would find printed out pictures of women. I really never thought much of it. We moved for jobs to Florida, after some time he landed a great job but it required us being separated for a little over a year.
During that time I would drive 7 hours to spend a few days with him every month. It seemed like every time I went to visit all we did was argue I always thought it was the job, he worked 70 a week sometimes more. Eventually the job ended, after a few months he got laid off, Things went from bad to worse quick. It was as this point where I really woke up. The porn on the computer was out of control. He would stay up all nite. His brother was living with us at the time and say things to him about it, like “why are you surfing porn when you have a pretty wife.”
My husband would blow it off with a funny type comment. Over time I got fed up with the constant fighting and everyday constant porn surfing so I packed up and left him and moved out of state to TN staying with my father and his wife Well things fell thru and unfortunately I needed my husband after about 3 months of separation. Immediately we started back where we left off. Eventually we got an apartment and he found odd jobs for about 2 years. The whole time still on porn sites and masturbating. He would blame me for finding out. Then more arguing with promises of him saying he would stop. Yeah for 2 maybe 3 days then right back at it daily until the next round.
Eventually I left him again, but after a few months for financial reasons and promises from him that he would stop I came back. What a mistake, nothing changed.
Last year I took a job out of town, I could only come home on the weekends. That is when I really realized what had been going on. The sex dating sites, enormous amounts of porn, acting out, serious serious panty fetish, it drove me insanely nuts.
So after 4 months I quit that job and came home thinking it would help. Not. I got another job here but I worked long hours and 6 to 7 days a week, so once again it porn crazy for him. Dating sites and who knows what else. During all of this I was going mad. I blamed myself, hated my life, felt removed. I cried, screamed, begged and pleaded for him to stop.. Nothing worked. So I once again left, but after revealing all of this to his mother. In turn she informed me that she kinda knew about this before we met but thought he had stopped after we met, only because he lied to her. So I was on the road to her house in NY when I get a call from my husband wanting to know what was going on. I told him that he needed to get help, that I couldn’t live like this anymore.. And once again I believed him when he said that he would stop. So I turned around and drove 8 hours back. That was 5 months ago. He did stop for a week, then I found out again he was back at it, giving me every excuse he could think of. Meanwhile I was getting physically ill, losing weight, sleepless nites, headaches.
In June I finally said enough is enough. I found a SANON/SA program around us and started going. At first he was hesitant, finally he went.
I have been learning to take care of me thru reading and telling my story to others. Lately we have been getting along better and telling each other more about our past but he is still actively looking at porn and maturbating, but it is down to 1 maybe 2 times a week.
But I am still very hurt, insecure and defitintely not trusting him. I ask myself why? Why can’t I leave? Why does he keep doing this knowing the pain and hurt it causes? Why would he want porn and not the real thing? What could I have done differently? I know I’m not to blame, but I find myself wondering if I can stay. If it is worth it to hope that maybe one day he will give it all up. I get the hopeless feeling that this will never end. I am 42.
So, do I stay and hope for the best, or say fuck it I’m done, have fun with yourself, literally. There is still so much mistrust and pain for me.
“At first he was hesitant, finally he went.”
“He would blame me for finding out.”
“He did stop for a week, then I found out again he was back at it giving me every excuse he could think of.”
Wow! a whole week???
Listen. This is a very sick man. You have dragged him kicking and screaming to “recovery.” But, he has made it crystal clear that he is not ready to do this. Oh, he makes plenty of promises, but the fact remains that his brain is so messed up that he cannot function unless he gets his drug of choice. The one that decimates you. He is not doing it to hurt you, but yes, you are collateral damage. I am surmising that this is not exactly what you had in mind when you took your vows? Well, welcome to the club that none of us ever wanted to join, but were forced into. 42 is still quite young. It may not feel like it, but please understand this much. He is not going to change– not for the long term. If you can live with “this,” then stay and if not, then of course, you will have your answer. It may not be the one you were hoping for, but this is the reality of the situation. I am so sorry for your pain and hope that you have a good talk therapist to help you work through it. No, unfortunately you cannot trust him and therein is the rub. Love without trust is really not love at all, is it? – K
Leaving is hard. I will be 65 in 2 months and I left my husband of 26 years, now almost 2 years ago. In addition to the porn and sex, he spent all of our money and is deeply in debt. I didn’t know about that either. Still, when I was able to look beyond that, I realized that I hadn’t been happy anyway, and struck out on my own. I’m still glad I did. I have regrets and doubts…I worry about him, he is a good man, and he was good to me in many ways, and wonderful to my children. He’s broken now, disgraced (he is a professional man), and a shell of what he once seemed to be. He never set out to do any of this to either one of us. I even still feel guilty about leaving him when he needs me the most, I wonder if I loved him enough when we were married. Those are my issues, I’m getting better everyday, and I’m still glad I left. He is still involved with porn, in total denial about his business, and he is a sick man, like an alcoholic is, and all along he had choices, but those are his issues. And I’m still glad I left.
You don’t need to go down with this ship. Best of luck to you.
I’m 68, and married my husband at 63. A great guy, alot in common and very loving. I happened upon him watching porn 3 times over a 2 year period, and admitted watching porn intermitantly, ie every few weeks — so I think it was more. The last time I ‘caught’ him ( got up to pee early am), he broke a written agreement with a therapist. I have moved out, and am now learning alot about this problem. My trust level is shattered, feeling betrayed, etc, etc. Taking it one day at a time, and trying to find support groups in my area of Northern Calif. It’s not what I expected at my age, and never what I expected of my husband. I understand, thru my own pain now, how confusing and difficult it all is. We are doing couples therapy and each of us, personal therapy. So, in reading all the things that have gone on with your marriage, I tend to agree with the prior response. Take your self esteem and run —- you are still young and deserving of a good life, alone or otherwise!
Why stay or work so hard on a relationship where all there is is pain and distrust? I have recently come to realize that the relationship that I thought I had, thought I had to have to survive, worked so hard to maintain, has really been a millstone around my neck my entire life.
Let go. Fly. Be free……You deserve so much more.
Best, Betty
Boy am I in the same boat as you… Except that this is my 3rd marriage, we have two kids under the age of two and I have a disability that keeps me from being able to work. I was just diagnosed with PTSD as a result of this addiction. I even have had a very similiar convo with his mom and I live in FL. I discovered my husband’s addiction to porn about a year into our relationship. For me, right now, I have chosen to stay… don’t get me wrong..I had started packing more than once and told him to pack his shit and get out (since I need the house for the kids). Although this seems insurmountable and sems to define our entire relationship at times… at the end of the day I LOVE HIM!! He is a very good man and I believe truley loves me (to the best of his ability since almost 3 decades of porn use has handicapped his ability to be emotionally availible and to know how to really “love” a live human being). He thankfully is in recovery now (tho experience has taught me not to trust that it will last…yet). He goes to counseling, is getting invoved with a support group, works his 12 steps and has the blockers/accountibility software in place. I know we still have a long, hard road ahead of us. I know that he will not get better overnight or even in the next month… but neither will I. As long as he keeps fighting towards sobriety and to rebuild our relationship… I will continue to work thru my trauma and to rebuild our relationship.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope whatever you decide, you find peace and happiness in your life again.
Wow….I had no idea that there are this many women in the same boat. I’ve been married to a sex addict for 13 years. We have 3 beautiful children (all under 11). The first year of our marriage I found charges for an internet porn site on a cc. I approached him and he said he would never do it again. Well of course he wouldn’t…its all free online now!! He would spend hours and hours on his computer. I had no idea what he was doing. He would always lash out at me and we have done nothing but fight for years. I caught him in the “act” a couple of times. He would watch his porn and then come to me to take care of it! I made a few comments in the last 2 or 3 years that I thought something wasn’t right. He denied that he had a problem. Our sex life took a plunge. I didn’t want to have sex with him. It disgusted me. I couldn’t kiss him or touch him. I checked out about 3 years ago. I really felt like I didn’t love him and I was done with the lies and emotional distraught and fighting. I was home with the kids homeschooling them, running our family business and just doing what a stay at home does. He traveled for work alot!! He came home and wasn’t a husband or a father. He sat his butt in his recliner and turned on his computer and watched his porn and that was our life. Well, I know that this sounds horrible but I started an online afair back in April. I was done. He found out about it and now I’m the bad person. We had moved to a different state in June and had to move in with his parents. That was an absolute nightmare. I was still talking to my “friend” and had no intentions of stopping. I moved out and moved in with my brother 6 hours away. I left my kids there because his family is there and they have the support. I haven’t worked outside of the home in years. I am hitting restart. I got a job and saving my money so I can move back in my own place near my kids. I’m also going to back to school. It is so painful being away from my children but I have got to get myself thru this. I feel like my entire marriage was a big lie for 13 years! My family and friends think I’m so horrible because of my online affair. He was sure to tell everyone what I did. Well all I have to say is they can walk in my shoes for the last 13 years and see how they would feel. He has admitted the problem…too late. He hasn’t and won’t acknowledge what it has done to me. There are women that choose to stay and endure. I think only “you” can decide what is the right choice for you.
Questions that I asked myself that helped to clarify if I should stay or if I should go:
1. Do you love him?
2. Do you respect him?
3. Do you trust him?
My answers to those questions were no, no, no….what is left? If you don’t love, respect or trust him, there is no basis upon which to form a relationship.
You don’t have an addict problem, you have a you problem.
Get yourself into therapy and try to figure out why you can’t let this sick man go. Why you respect yourself so little to allow yourself to be treated this way – repeatedly.
I can tell you right now he will not change, he doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t respect the love and friendship he’s getting from you. He hasn’t hit rock bottom because you haven’t let him. He will lie, cheat, steal, hide, manipulate and push to protect his addiction. You are only in the way and he’s learned how to manipulate you too to get you to stay and fill his selfish needs because he knows he can keep you and the porn too. You taught him that by coming back – repeatedly.
Fix yourself before you try to fix your marriage – and forget fixing your husband. You can’t do that.
Is it dumb to stay for the kids. 7 and 4. I don’t want to share them. He is never going to change and I know that.
Let me add he is a great father. Every thing is great but his sex addiction prob and he keeps slipping up.
I know I already commented but I’ve been following the posts that others are leaving here. While I do belive that kids are not the only reason someone should stay married (its actually worse for the kids that.way) … I do believe that people (like your husband) can and do change. No, he has not reached his rock bottom yet but that IS NOT your fault! Hopefully he will before it is too late. There have been way too many angry, bitter ‘haters ‘ leaving you feedback and I don’t feel like it is fair to you nor does it give you the option to make a clear and concise decision. And let me add…. there is ABSOLTELY NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING wrong with you for wanting to stay, give him a chance and in thus give your relationship a chance. I would reccomend seaking professional help for yourself but not so they can tell you what is wrong with you and how low your self esteem is that you would choose to stay with him. Its so that you can gain understanding and clarity not to mention the emotional ability to make a choice… whether it is to stay or to go. Good luck in your endeavours. And just remember not to listen to just the negative. You have to find what is in your heart, what you want and what you believe he is (or at least will in the hopefully near future) can do to save your relationship.
If you ever need /or want to talk to someone who is not a ‘debbie downer ‘ I am here! With love, encouragement and RRSPECT,
NATALE
“hopefully he will before it is too late”
1. When is it too late?
What exactly are the indicators this poor woman should be looking for?
2. I don’t know one woman in this circumstance who didn’t stay and give their SA/compulsive partners a chance, and their relationship a chance. Actually many chances. Over and over again. These women endured abusive therapists and partners. They endured families casting them adrift because they told the truth of what was happening. They endured their religious leaders blaming them and taking the side of the men who had betrayed them and broken marriage vows. Years and years and years of it, Natale.
3. Nasty Name-calling the women who have been down this road to the end of it and finally left is a cheap shot. They are sharing what they learned that no one wants to acknowledge. In fact, people resort to name-calling the victims of these men when they finally stand up and say “enough is enough”. They are name-called when they try and spare other victims of these men the pain and damage to themselves and their children.
4. Get in touch with your own anger and stop throwing it at the women with the courage to face the hard truths of their lives. Women who have spoken here are challenging the fantasy world that perpetuates the destruction of women and children, and asks women to sacrifice themselves and their children in an offering that has no redemptive value.
5. If a woman wishes to spend the rest of her life with an lying and unfaithful partner it is certainly her right to choose to do so. Some stay because of financial reasons. Some stay because their religion says they must. Some stay because they like to be co-dependent and spend their life checking on, checking in, monitoring, going to workshops on addiction and counselling sessions on why they can’t change it—but then getting a long list of “to-do’s” anyway, that everyone knows doesn’t change anything. Some women don’t want a relationship of true mutuality. They feel in control when the man “owes” them something. They like being “the good long-suffering wife” and are actually using the situation to make themselves feel better about themselves. They like being the one who hasn’t done anything wrong, because they actually aren’t looking for a relationship of mutuality either. Each person makes her own choice about the life she lives. That would be too scary.
Respect is about making that responsibility for choice clear and informed.
It is very sad that the truth about sex addiction/compulsion is really really hard one. I believe women are actually up to handling the hard truth and making their decisions with ALL the information. There are plenty of sites and treatment professionals and books who will tell this woman all the promises of recovery and never share the truth of the grim “success rate” or the kind of life it actually means for the woman. Their motive is money. No one here is making any money telling the other side of things, telling the parts of the experience that are never given voice.
Our relationships didn’t fail because we didn’t try, we didn’t love, we didn’t forgive, we didn’t try again. They didn’t fail because we were “debbie downers”. They didn’t fail because our faith was weak. They didn’t fail because we are flawed. They failed because our partners would not stop choosing their penis life as the most important thing to them. More important than their partners and children. More important than our health. More important than their vows and their promises to God. More important than financial security. More important that a home. More important than their own reputations. More important than ANYTHING ELSE.
It was, as you put it, “too late”
And now you brow beat us for recognizing it was “too late” and sharing what we learned and how these guys operate–because there’s no new material btw, it’s all predictable surprises. You know what, when it all comes crashing down on you, we’ll still be there for you, even after what you said about us. We’ll still be there for you.
So, back tot he beginning: when, in your opinion, is too late?
Thank you Diane for so eloquently stating that position. I’m afraid I might not have been so restrained.
I have been with Larry for ten years and have seen the progression, the patterns, the attempts at change and the realities of living with a disordered person
Let’s be realistic. Any man who is capable of that type of deception and deceit is not normal. Normal people are incapable of leading double lives.
I cringe when I hear women say, ‘But I love him so much, he’s such a wonderful person.’
By what criteria do you define ‘wonderful’? No one is all bad, even Hitler loved puppies. Ted Bundy was a charmer, and good looking too, but he killed young women. Does anyone think that a lier, cheat, and abusive husband is a wonderful guy?
I have endured a decade of counselors and therapists who have strung me along and persuaded me to stay in a marriage that can never be fulfiilling or mutual by telling me that my husband could change and then everything would be better.
Yes, they can change some of the behavior, but underneath they are still that disordered person who cannot relate to you and who will always be capable of deceit and deception. He is always just one trigger away from deceit and you will be the one who pays. Even if he never goes down that path you will have to eventually face the fact that you are living with a selfish pre teen in a man’s body.
This site is for the truth, with a place for everyone’s story. You are free to share your opinion and voice your truth; that is healthy and helps us all find our way through the darkness. But do not criticize those of us who speak from years of experience as being negative.
The truth is:
There are no happy endings when you are married to a Sex Addict. You may stay, or you might leave, but you are forever changed. ~ JoAnn
Very well said, JoAnn…..
Thank you for all that you do.
Best, Betty
Yes, Diane, thanks. I started–tried–to respond several times but found myself speechless. You said it best.
Nataleh,
I am curious as to what positive words of encouragement you could possibly offer this woman.
I do not see any indication that he is capable of understanding the hurt he is causing his wife, nor do I see any indication that he intends to stop those behaviors. In addition she is the responsible adult holding down a job while he plays selfish little boy by staying at home and watching porn and playing with his favorite toy between his legs.
What could possibly be hopeful about this situation? She has given him many ‘chances’ to prove that he can keep his word and stop, but he does not. How many chances must she give? When is enough enough? How many times must she get burned before she learns to step away from the fire?
I agree that these are questions only she can answer but giving false hope only adds to her confusion and clouds the facts with a smoke screen of fairy tale fantasy. ~ JoAnn
I agree, I think its most inappropriate to brow beat anyone on here for any reason, so please, please, refrain from such thing. How dare you call us “downers” and “haters” when you yourself, are so hateful??? That is not only quite arrogant, but hypocritical, so just stop it! This is a place for support, not name calling. Haven’t we all been through enough pain and suffering? This man has given tons of evidence that he is not ready for recovery. THIS, most unfortunately is reality. If you want to hear a positive message, here’s mine.
I AM TAKING MY FUCKING LIFE BACK! I am working my ass off and I am in the process of buying a lovely apartment in an area I never dreamed I would be able to afford, but because of the depressed housing market,and the help of my very generous mother, I can and I am. Am I scared? yes, I am. Am I also excited? You betcha! My BFF will be only 2 miles away and I just found out that another dear friend is also moving just around the corner from me.
Here is what clinched it all for me. I was not allowed to come to my mother in law’s funeral or unveiling. His sister does know about his addiction, but of course, he’s such a nice man(he absolutely is when he’s not lying, cheating, and lusting after everything that has a uterus), but here is what my sister-in-law said to me, when I expressed my disappointment in not being allowed to come. OH, and BTW, it was a decision made behind my back and without even asking me. My husband knew I wanted to come. How typical.
“Kimberly,
Its unfortunate but real, that things being the way they are makes intimate family gatherings, difficult awkward, and uncomfortable for all involved.”
Yes… that’s what my sister in law of 25 years said to me. Well, “sister,” I am not in the least bit uncomfortable. I did nothing wrong, and I am still me and my husband is who he is and my sister in law is a cruel, heartless bitch. She is also the biological aunt to my two children. What happens if one of them gets married? Will the “intimate” (what a fucking joke!) gathering STILL be “awkward”?
Well, ya know what? and excuse my anger, NO INTENSE RAGE! I don’t give a rat’s ass. I am not the one who betrayed my husband over and over and YET I am the one being punished. I was not allowed to pay my last respects to my own mother in law! I am still married to my fucktard and we are still living together, and we even went on a little trip the weekend before with our two children and actually had a wonderful time.
But who needs to be treated like they are a piece of disposable garbage?
This, amongst many reasons is why I’ve HAD ENOUGH!
Do you see how this sickness invades every corner of our lives in a disgusting way? I did not ask for it and I did not want it. My husband was my very best friend. I will never understand how and why he could do such a thing to me. I loved him with all of my heart.
However, in the end, I love myself more. amen.
“In the end, I love myself more.”
AMEN SISTER!
I too am taking my fucking life back! And you know what? It feels wonderful.
Love to all my sisters!
Best, Betty
I just found out about my husbands sex addiction last week. We’ve been together for 7 years, but we’ve only been married for a little over 2. We are also both sober in AA, and have 7 years of sobriety. We were at that point in our lives where we were trying to have a baby. In my mind things were going great, yes our sex life was struggling a bit, but I thought this was probably normal for couples who had been together for a while. I suspected he might have an addiction to porn, and tried to talk to him about it a few times, but of course he made me feel like I was crazy. I knew something felt off in our relationship, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then I discovered a dating ap on his phone and completely freaked out. I immediately questioned him as to what it was, why he had it, and he began to lie and tell me he had no such ap on his phone. I knew I wasn’t crazy, and told him that if he didn’t get honest right then, I was gone… I was done with the lies. I have zero tolerance for infidelity in relationships, and this is something I’ve always made VERY clear to him. That’s when he admitted that he had an addiction to porn. I know now that his addiction goes much deeper than just porn, that there were countless lies over the years about going to strip clubs, where he was and what he was doing on work trips, and that in his mind if the opportunity had presented itself, he was open to being with someone else. He has admitted all of this to me. At this point, to my knowledge there hasn’t been any physical cheating on his part (if there had, I would have been gone in a second)… but I’m now asking myself, do I stay with my husband and try to work through this? He has started to work a program in SLA (he got a sponsor and is attending regular meetings), and I am starting to attend SANON meetings, we are both going to therapy… but I am having a really hard time accepting that I am married to a sex addict, and am in so much fear about what that might mean for our future together! I know he is doing what he needs to right now to face his addiction… but how can I ever trust this man? How can I ever start a family with someone who is constantly tempted by lust? Right now, I feel like I don’t even know him, and am having so much anger an hurt over his actions and lies. I know him admitting he has a problem, and taking the steps he needs to to face his addiction is huge, but what is right for me? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through… I feel so confused and lost.
It is terribly disorienting, Lisa. Over three years later I still stop every once in a while and wonder what happened to my life. Where did it go? Down the toilet with his lies and arrogance.
I’m really sorry you are in this situation, especially since you’ve worked so hard with AA and overcome one major challenge already in your own life. I hope you will take your own needs seriously. If he gets well you can always get together again, but living with this is a nightmare. Recovery is difficult and often fake. There’s nothing you can do to help. In fact, staying round sometimes just keeps their “system” running. You are convenient for his “cover”, his “temporary remorse emotional masturbation moments”, his financial security, his scapegoat for gaslighting, etc. Removing yourself forces him to deal with himself, or create another fake life.
Please please please do no have a baby with this man. Please. And take your sobriety one day at a time. Best of luck and remember you are worth more than a lie.
The sex addiction doesn’t concern me as much as his deceit in failing to provide me with this vital information at the onset of our relationship. His selfishness and cowardice behavior did not start when I rained on his game. He brought it into the relationship unbeknownst to me but not undetected by me. I deserved to have this information up-front to spare me the anguish my present circumstances generate. Regardless of our individual experiences with these men (and women) which, on a continuum range from mild to severe, we are all equally broken emotionally but stand alone in our own unique ruins. So, my relationship has been a farce from the very beginning. Had I been adequately informed, I would have chosen to shut the door politely rather than allow it to germinate.
I understand the feeling of being lost and confused. Of course we are! We’ve been duped. I want to caution you, however, that it is highly unlikely that your husband has not physically cheated. If he has apps for dating and all the rest, the odds are overwhelming in favor that he’s met with some of them. It could be hundreds. You have no idea! It truly sucks, doesn’t it? The confusion is really another word for shock and not accepting what’s actually happening and that is normal, because you are going through a severe trauma. Unfortunately, it is impossible to know if he’s really on the up and up about his “recovery.” He only admitted ALL under the threat of your leaving him, but before that was lying remorselessly. That worries me a lot. It would be different if he came to you with the bad news, but if he’s “recovering” out of the fear of you leaving him if he doesn’t come clean, all bets are off. This is the stuff of nightmares and please just take care of you. It does take time to find ourselves, but you will… just keep the focus on you and what YOU need. unfortunately, your need for him to be the man you believed him to be, may not be possible. I’m so sorry.
I just found out yesterday my husband is a sex addict. It is both our second marriages. We got married with each of us having 3 kids. Somehow it worked The kids got along. My husband and I were really compatible and I thought, happy. We had a very active sex life. We are both attractive people. We traveled. Dined out, and were very affectionate. My husband could never stop touching me or telling people how much he loved me. I loved him too.
Then I caught him in a “secret friendship” with my best friend. I had suspicions but he made me think I was crazy. of course in the end it was true.they didnt have sex but were too close. we went to therapy worked on trust issues , etc.
of course I never stopped checking up on him. I always looked at his phone or emails when I could. He was pretty secretive and would erase his info often. I caught a him few times texting other woman. We went back to therapy. He is on antidepressant. He did have a lot of trauma in his childhood so I gave a lot of leeway and understanding because of it. Well, needless to say, I caught him chatting with an escort he swears he didn’t have sex with her. . Well, POOR HIM! He’s very sorry now! He wants to go to rehab and address the addiction.
Turns out he finally admitted that he’s met at least 10 girls in the last 6 years for drinks, “massages”. Still swearing no sex. Of course I’m not dumb enough to believe him. Now what??? My kids are attached and will be devastated. I am heartbroken and even worse, humiliated. He is claiming to want help barehanded and another chance. That he loves me. I really don’t want to be single again looking for another man.
They are all bad anyway
Hi everyone. This is so hard for me but I cannot hold it inside anymore. I have been married to a man for almost 4 years now and his addiction to pornography was confirmed just over a week ago. I am so broken. The pain is unbearable. To add another layer of complexity to the situation, I am now 3 months pregnant.
Even before we were married I knew that he would watch porn on the computer. I have no idea how often he did it but whenever I realized he was doing it, I would let him know I was not happy about it. He would just shrug off my comments. I have to admit that I would even convince myself that watching a little porn is not so bad. After all, most guys do it, right? How foolish of me.
I clearly remember one night, a few years into our marriage, I found it porn again on the computer and I was so enraged that I started screaming. I cannot recall if he promised to stop at that point but nonetheless, he didn’t stop.
I found our sex life was dull and devoid of emotional connection after we got married. At times I wondered if I was the problem but I didn’t dwell on it. I thought maybe things just got a bit boring because we had been married for some time. When I think about it now, he was probably becoming more involved with porn.
Things came to a head when one day I found photos of his penis that he was texting to some girls that he met at a bar. The girls were also sending him pictures of them touching each other. I discovered these photos just over a week ago.
Of course he initially lied about/withheld the whole truth about the story behind the photos. Even now I am not sure that he has told me the full truth. I have been questioning him going to strip clubs, hooking up with other women/prostitutes/strippers, lusting after women, visiting cybersex sites, etc. He only admits to going to strip clubs occasionally when he is out of town for work. He denies everything else. He claims that things never went further than a lap dance with strippers.
You know, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like my whole marriage is a big, fat lie. I have no respect for him and I cannot trust him even in the least bit.
We had been seeing a couples therapist even before this explosion because I just felt like our marriage was not working. Granted, I know that I may not have been the best wife. I can be very selfish at times. But I also felt that he was not supportive in some ways.
Since this has happened, we saw the therapist and he recommended group therapy for my husband. We will continue couples therapy as well. I have to admit though, I felt as though the therapist (a man, by the way) was more focused on helping my husband than on helping me. I feel like I have been left to find my way on my own. I have no one to talk with. I am hoping to join S-Anon and I also hope that chatting with you all will be helpful. I was so desperate the other day that I called the National Crisis Hotline.
I don’t yet know if I will leave or stay. A part of me feels like I should stay and try to help him along the road to recovery but I am really afraid of getting hurt again. I don’t want this for myself or my child. I have been praying a lot for God’s grace and guidance.
SR,
oh dear… here we go again. I am so, so sorry, honey, but you need to know this. Your husband is the real deal and this is not going to be easy reading. In fact, its going to make you extremely upset, but don’t kill me. I’m just the messenger. (I don’t know if God sent me, but I’m here anyway.) I would say to go get a drink, but you can’t drink, so maybe just a cup of hot chocolate?
here goes:
He does have sex with hookers, he hooks up with women when he’s away on business and when he’s not away on business. How do I know? He told you just a weeeeeeee bit, of what he does, but its only the tip of one sordid, depraved dickberg. You see… he uses the usual qualifiers that minimizing, denying, LYING ADDICTS USE. Its ONLY when he’s away on business? REALLY? He JUST has lap dances when he’s AWAY??? JUST??? There is NO “only” and there is NO “just.” these are the words of a man who’s already so enmeshed in this disorder and I DO NOT HEAR THAT HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE THAT MAN ANYMORE.
YOU’RE SELFISH??? WTF??? STOP THAT, RIGHT NOW! I hope to God that you ARE selfish, because whatever you are doing its about SELF-PRESERVATION HERE. (sorry, to shout), and now, you have a new life that you have to support, nurture and PROTECT. Porn obsessed, hooker fucking addicts do not make good parents. please do not call yourself selfish. I’m going to puke.
Honey, you are not going to want to hear this, but unless he’s ready to pull out all the stops and not be that man any longer and go into intensive therapy, (and even then, its extremely unlikely) then what you have is what you have and there isn’t enough group, couples, individual therapy to help him. He does not want to change. He’s not ready and I daresay that he never will be. very, very unlikely.
so, here’s what I recommend:
1) stop couple’s therapy. its doing more harm than good. obviously.
2) start your OWN counseling. (with a woman therapist who understands relational trauma and sex addiction)
3) don’t waste your time with S-ANON. (mostly women hanging on with false hope… very degrading, not to mention depressing)
4) file for divorce.
Oh, you don’t want to do that? You want to be a family? Its what you always wanted? Sure. one day. I hope and pray to God that you meet a man who’s deserving of your beautiful self and this new life you’re creating.
Oh, you want to stay with THIS fucktard and MAKE IT WORK? sure. you can do that. You don’t have to file for divorce. Lots of women stay married to lying, cheating dicktards who watch endless hours of porn, screw hookers and get lap dances while away on “business.” They “just” (we can play the denial game too!) look the other way or they try to convince themselves that he’s really getting better. (not) They enjoy being supported (financially, maybe, IF he can keep a job!) playing like everything is rosy and getting hooked on HOPIUM. (i didn’t make up that word, but I wish that i did!) Its addictive and its also going to eat away at your soul. Or… you’ll get cancer and die.
not what you were hoping to hear? sound a little strong? sound bitter? angry?
YOU BET I AM!!! I am absolutely sick and tired of women being ABUSED in this disgusting fashion and selling their souls and for what?
and BTW, you need to get tested for STDs.
yes, you do. think not? I and a lot of other women have gotten nasty cases of HPV– the cancer causing kind. Men never know that they have it. rarely any symptoms, but he’s screwing skanky hos, so you need to get tested. Humiliating? never you mind. I guarantee that your gynecologist here’s this like 50 times a week. (no exaggeration)
sorry, but this is your reality. You are not alone. There is help and support. I suggest getting on the SOS, here site for more support, but first get yourself into counseling and please just let me finish with this…
you had absolutely nothing to do with his sex addiction. nothing. you were simply at hand. that is all.
Godspeed and know that in time… you are going to be fine. more than fine. xo ~ Kim
Kim,
Thank you for this reply and I am not kidding. I liked the power and energy in your response. I particularly liked your use of the term fucktard 🙂
My story id no different than all of you..I’m 51 and own a business with my husband that is falling apart ..no money no family to go to I’m trapped with no where to go.all my friends are married and don’t need a 51 year old woman that cannot give them anything, Help me please god! Why me he goes every night to meetings. But, means nothing to me..
WELL im 27 years old and ive been married for 6 years and I have 3 boys , I used think how lucky I was to find a hard working man .he had two jobs in the beginning and I was fine with it because I was pregnant with his first child so sometimes I would call him to c how he was doing and for some reason he would never pick up my calls until he would go have dinner and go back to work and I honestly trusted this man with a blind fold , so one day he went to work and I decided to look at his pictures on his phone and I find my surprise ,well he had been messing around with someone at one of his job this girl I didn’t just know but she was my so called friend . I found so many messages saying what they would do to each other sexually and how he wished she would be with him .I was 3 months pregnant and that night I felt so betrayed like ive never ever had .when he came home I didn’t know how to start ,I just let it all out my anger was soo much that I had to go to the hospital and doctor said I was loosing my baby when he said that I looked at my huspand and said ! if I loose my baby I will never forgive u and I will walk away and hope to never see u again! but how I decided to stay .well ever since that like a few months ago I got a message from a girl saying that he was gonna meet her and I couldn’t believe it so again I asked him y would he do that and he said !because we haven’t been intimate! I couldn’t believe what excuse he was using so ever since I don’t trust him at ALL and ive been trying to fix my marriage in a lot of ways but I start thinking about everything he has done to me and I think that im not willing to be angry all my life because of this man that the person I once loved before I see as my enemy now ,his smell ,his voice just puts me in such a bad mood sometimes and as much as I try I cant seem to feel the same way last week I talked to him about DIVORSE and said nothing just looked at me like if he was a victim . we haven’t been intimate for 2 months and been having arguments on and off about the stupidest thing …his betrail just hurted me so much that im trying to actually leave him ,because of him I sometimes hate myself for being such a dumbass thinking that maybe one day he would change and I know im young but I still don’t have to live an unhappy marriage right ? I do think about my children but its hard to trust him again and even though his 8 years older he acts like a teenager at times ,im just tyerd of feeling like this so what should I do and if u say counseling well it didn’t work I just wanna be in peace ….what am I suppose to do ???? :/
I can’t believe the misconceptions women have about their husbands porn use
I’ve been married 30 yrs and always knew there was a problem
Our sex life became rarer and almost nonexistent I was always trying to initiate
But he found reasons to reject me
I wondered about porn
I considered he might be gay and using our family to give him
A respectable cover Honestly I asked him over and over through
The years he always denied it
How can you resolve a problem if you can’t get them to admit it ?
Well it’s out now and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD not because of
The porn but because of his deceit
He lied to me for 30 yrs He took my safety and the shock and pain
Makes my days torture
I’m constantly in fear Can’t do the simplest errands. I cannot tell between dreams
and reality I feel unable to protect myself