There were always signs something wasn’t right. He would call and have secret conversations with his ex wife. He always told me I was crazy, there was nothing going on. I over heard him tell her once to meet him at a local grocery store parking lot so he could talk to her. (they divorced due to his infidelity issues) I grew angry because I knew he was meeting her and yet he told me it was about their kids.
There was a time we were supposed to talk about these issues but instead I got a text, he had a meeting in a nearby town then he was heading to another town to visit with a friend. I found out he had met a woman on Lavalife and spend the entire day with her. He claims to this day they just had drinks.
There were several fights, anger, frustration and all the while I was losing who I was. I went from a strong independent woman to a woman who is incredibly insecure. He tells me often how unattractive it is that I am so insecure. He has shared with me in the past that he doesn’t love me like a spouse should love but rather more like a friend.
I turned into a monster. I checked up on him every day. I learned that he had contacted the women from his past that he cheated on his previous wife with. That was my breaking point. I yelled and told him I was done. I was walking out the door when he begged me to stay. He said he would get help, that he had a problem. I told him that was not enough. He went into the house and grabbed one of my rings and he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.
This went on for at least 30 minutes. He wore me down with his words and his promises. We married a month after that. Now, being married for 5 years I look back and think to myself…WHY? Was I that desperate that I needed to be with someone like him? What was I thinking? It doesn’t do any good to question that now. I am married to him and I just found out the depth of his problem.
I caught him texting a woman at his work. When I asked him if he had texted her his reply to me was no. He then stated he didn’t know the last time he sent her a text. I had proof this was a lie right to my saddened face.
I walked away from him and 2 days later while yelling on the phone at each other he told me that he did text her and he did it because he was not getting playful banter from me. I called the woman and we talked. She was and is not the cheating type and offered to help me in anyway she could.
He drank excessively and then wanted to talk to me, I told him no thanks maybe in the morning if there was time and he was sober. That very morning while we were both at work, I found out he got on Craigslist and invited a woman to chat with him. I didn’t need to see or read anymore. I called his office and left him a voicemail in a feud of anger what a monster he was. I was leaving him.
The rest of the day we went back and forth texting. He was calm. It was weird. I was so angry. Then came the hurt the embarrassment and the tears. He had admitted to me he was addicted to sex but never engaged in sex acts. He gets on craigslist “kink” forum and chats. He looks at porn and he masturbates frequently. He opened up to me in sharing all this.
I am so confused and lost. I do not know what to believe. I question everything. His meetings in another town, his late meetings, his phone going off late at night, multiple “guys” nights and golf trips. He cried and held me and promised me he was never physically unfaithful. These last 4 days I have felt incredibly close to him. Closer that the last 6 years of us being together.
He bought a self help book and attended a SAA meeting. He knows if he cheated I would leave. This is a form of cheating in my book and with his history I am inclined to not believe all he is saying to me. Yet I am still here.
We have a daughter together and we have 4 other children. I need help and do not know what to do.
I am afraid of another divorce and the affects it will have on all our children…….