Sometimes letters from my readers really touch my soul. I get many private e-mails through the 'Contact' page, which I always answer.Sometimes one will really take me back. Here is my answer to one of those that talked about finding out those devastating facts while monitoring her husband's computer.
The effects of living with a Sex Addict are subtle but deep, destructive to our sense of safety, emotionally devastating and life changing. As the relationship with a Sex Addict progresses our personalities change. We try to find normal ways to deal with an abnormal situation. Sex Addicts have two sides to their personalities and the deception over who they are, what they believe in and what they are doing presents an ever changing, contradictory picture that is impossible to make sense of.
Today I was looking through my journals (all electronic files on the computer), e-mails and chats that were written before and during my marriage to my Sex Addict husband.
Time does give us a different perspective on things. Even last year I would get depressed whenever I read those files. All the pain and anger would come rushing back as if it were happening right then.
Now, with almost three years of complete sobriety under our belts I am able to read those words with a remote objectivity. I see so many things that I did wrong, and so many that I did right.
This letter made me laugh. I guess I was just as ballsy back then as I am now. I hope it makes you smile. It’s word for word, unedited, written in August of 2007–almost three years after I first found out about his addiction and while we were still living apart in two different states. At this time we were considering moving back in together, but I still had my doubts. (more…)
Loving a Sex Addict certainly has it’s challenges especially early in recovery, but a few stand out as particularly difficult. Which of these challenges do you and your spouse or partner have the most trouble with and how do you resolve the conflict?
Building Trust Trust is necessary for you to feel safe in a relationship. Do you trust your spouse/partner? What do they do to build your trust?
Dealing with Anger Anger and it’s honest expression is vital to our recovery. Sex Addicts have a difficult time dealing with our anger. How has anger affected your relationship?
Establishing Boundaries Boundaries empower you, they allow you to take control and establish what you will and will not allow in the relationship. How do you communicate your boundaries to your spouse or partner? (more…)
An important part of staying in a relationship with a Sex Addict is setting boundaries. These boundaries let the Sex Addict know that they can no longer abuse you and that you value yourself and have the self confidence to stand up for what you know is right for you. These boundaries also act as the ‘line in the sand’ that makes very clear what actions you will not accept from your spouse or partner. (more…)