Light Beams

Everything in life needs balance and this web site is no exception. We come together to share our stories, to gather and support, to give what we can and take what we need. Unfortunately Sexual Addiction fills our lives with so much negativity.

So, this little corner is for the positive things that we can share. Stories of triumph. Jewels of joy. Little tidbits of hope. Things that are just for us and just about us. No Sex Addict talk here, just our own light beams to illuminate our paths.

This is a place for our positive experiences, wisdom, thoughts or just simple ramblings that we feel like sharing. A joke, a funny happening, a child’s first tooth or step; everything from milestones to moments.

Step into the light and share your joy.

So, I’ll begin.

I’d like to do a little bragging. My son and his girlfriend just left yesterday after visiting me for two weeks. He is my baby. I have four sons, a daughter and a step daughter, all of whom are the light of my life. But, let’s face it, the baby is always special.

My youngest son, Thomas, graduated with his associate’s degree before he graduated high school. His brilliance allowed him full scholarships to the finest schools. I have never paid a penny for his education. Last year he graduated from Berkeley with a PhD in molecular and cell biology and is now doing his post doc fellowship as a neuro scientist in Switzerland. His girlfriend just graduated last month with her PhD and she is also a neuro scientist. They were an absolute joy to have here.

Today my life is filled with love and joy for my children. All my children have similar success stories and all are happy, healthy, successful and well adjusted. Today I am proud of my accomplishments as a mother and as a woman

Responses

  1. Hello! I love this!

    I have two lightbeams. One, I received a surprise telephone call from a friend this morning – we used to be quite close but our job situation changed and we drifted apart but never lost our affection for each other. It was soooooo nice to pick up the phone and hear her voice.

    Second, I spent the afternoon with my elderly mother helping around the house and raking leaves, which was very satisfying. My daughter and her fiance are going to move into mom’s daylight basement in February so we are working hard to get things organized. I am excited for my mom, who will have more security and company, and for my kids, who are happy to spend more time with grandma, and it will help them save money to buy their own house. I love these win/win situations!

    Both of these things were very happy-making today!

  2. I am working on my Statement of Purpose to apply for Graduate school. It’s been 20 years or more that I’ve wanted to pursue this. Feels good.

  3. opps, I may have started another thread by accident, sorry. Will try to go back to cut and paste.

  4. I love this new tab, great idea. I have a few good things in my life right now. Last week I resigned from my position of 20 years to take an offer with a independent company. Great new opportunity, wonderful people and looking forward to working with them. The Christmas tree and decorations went up yesterday, now getting into the holiday busyness…along with a new job! My new company closes for a week during the holidays and I’m sure I will need the week to recharge after the next 3 weeks ahead!

  5. Hi all,

    A light beam in my life has been my best friend, who I’ve known all my life. We were only born one week apart and our backyards bumped up against each other. Our mother’s used to put our carriages out together. (Those were the days when mothers stuck the baby in the carriage and put it outside—hahaha, sort of like the cat!). Anyway we have a total mind meld and after much moving around the country as adults, we have lived in the same city again for the last 10 years. She offered to come and help me put up Christmas decorations. I’m so rich because I have a best friend!

  6. My daughter crawled today!!! I know my job as a parent has changed forever now that she is mobile, but what an amazing thing to be apart of!!

    Also, last Friday I sang at my cousins wedding. THIS IS HUGE FOR ME! I used to sing all the time and was even in a singing traveling group. But something inside me became afraid at some point. It has been 8 years since I last sang in front of anyone and my husband is a musician. So when she asked us to do the music, I swallowed my fear and agreed. It took quite a few months and a lot of frustration but I finally found my voice again. And its even better than it used to be. My family was shocked.
    It also started to rebuild the bond with my husband. We can finally share and build on our passion together. We have even ordered a Christmas carol book (he plays guitar and I play piano) to sing and play for our families when we get together. Life is getting better….

    Thanks for letting me share! I really love you ladies.

  7. I am down one dress size and heading toward losing another!!!!

  8. I just finished decorating for Christmas and the house is lovely!

  9. My light beam tonight is having a glass of wine and reading all the great stuff happening for everyone!
    And my new wonderful fantastic and loving husband is actually doing the laundry….YES!

  10. My Light Beam has been my two dogs. When my husband and I are dealing with this awful addiction we always have our pups in common to dote on and love. It has helped us stay connected even on the worst days.

  11. Pups are kinda’ like Guardian Angels with fur.
    I adopted a “pound puppy” Labrador-mix 3 years ago. “Rick” makes me laugh one minute & challenges my patience the next. His unconditional love is priceless — and I can’t imagine how I would have gotten through these last 16 months without him!

  12. I agree with you, Aileen and Unwound! Dogs ARE gaurdian angels who are right there with us on the worst of days. I also do not know how I would get through life without my dog Baxter. He is very definitely my Main Man!

  13. I totally agree. This is my Labradoodle, Phantom, with my grandson. They light up my life.

    If anyone would like to post a photo just e-mail it to me and tell me which ‘lightbeam’ comment you would like it inserted in. Sorry, until the ‘new and improved’ site is complete only I can insert photos.

  14. I love both of my dogs as well. We have a poddle/maltese mix and just got a new pup he is 9 weeks old and is a poodle/shitzu mix. They light up mine and my childrens lives.

  15. I shared this with a support group last week…my daughter offered me brilliant words if wisdom: I was having a bad moment and she said “Mom you couldn’t feel like this forever even if you wanted to”. It really helped me to remember that emotions continue to evolve and that is a comfort to me. Hope it is for others too.

  16. I wanted to let everyone know that I submitted the completed package to apply for Graduate school yesterday. I hand-delivered it. I was so happy! It was a tremendous amount of work but well worth it. The cut-off date to apply is this Friday. Now, we’ll have to wait and see.

    My reward for doing this is to buy myself a ticket to a Festive dinner on Saturday night. Without the SA. I think I’ll go to the Motorcycle show too.

  17. Hey Marian, Congratulations!!!!!!! I remember what a momunental task it was to get one of those applications completed. I think I will join in celebrating you !!!

  18. You are all my lightbeams this morning.

    We are more resilient than we realize. What a great way to begin the day. Love all your stories so much.
    xox
    D.

  19. On Oprahs “favorite things” list this holiday, is a book she loves. Its called:
    The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. I really like it because they are short one page positive and inspirational stories. Each one begins with a quote. I liked this one because it reminded me of our sisterhood on this site:

    The Ear as a Petal

    The ear is only a petal
    that grows from the heart.
    When we hear each other,
    it all becomes a garden.

  20. I am loving each and every one of your posts so much and the dog pictures are so dear! It gives us a way to get to know each other beyond the SA. Thanks for the quote to brighten the morning, NAP!

  21. Great idea to create this thread!

    Honest wife,
    Thank you so very much. I’d love to celebrate. You know what is funny is that the people who have been the most enthusiastic are non-family. You guys are excellent!

  22. I am grateful for the half hour that I have every morning with my Dad at the nursing home. I read the paper to him while he drinks his coffee. The pace is necessarily and wonderfully slow and the time is precious.

  23. My day has been filled with cleaning! Ok, not much of a lightbeam, however, the prep is because my daughter is coming for Christmas. She’ll be here in 9 days! I haven’t seen her in a year and a half. I get to have her with me for about 2 weeks. I am so excited 🙂

  24. Oh, Starry, that’s a wonderful lightbeam. I can see it shining through your words. 🙂

    My lightbeam is that I purchased a single ticket to a party/dinner/dance on Saturday. I have some friends going and it’s been years since I went out and had fun. I’ve determined that everyday I must find at least one way to care for myself. Tonight, I’m going to look at some dresses. I have a lovely top already and some jewelry set aside. I’m gonna look top notch and turn some freaking heads. I’ll even wear make-up (gasp) Oh, I’m also going to pick up a bottle of my favourite perfume: Intuition

  25. Yesterday was the first TEAR FREE day since discovery ….164 days.

  26. I have gone back to work. I didn’t cry at the therapist’s today. I didn’t cry at the divorce workshop. My 13 year-old son told me I was a good mom and that I have done a good job protecting them by getting SA out of the house. My son just told me that out of the blue. It’s quiet here and I feel serene tonight. I am looking forward to my 22 year old coming home for Christmas. And I realize tonight, I am not any of the things SA said I was and his behavior is about him, not me. I’m thinking that if I want to let go of him, that it’s okay and I don’t HAVE to suffer anymore. I am grateful for this little window of inner-peace.

  27. I love this page.

    My light beam is being brave enough to meet new people at last (two years on) and being very happy to find that not all men objectify women. Some of them actually look at you and see a person rather than an opportunity and someone that they are mentally marking out of ten. Fatchance you’re right, we’re not what they said we are.

  28. Hi, yall! It’s Friday & the sun is shining! It’s a blessing to be able to take pup Rick to a park & just enjoy this 65-degree afternoon in December — yippee! (… I can do the bill paying some other time, right?!)

  29. This is the first day in four months that I haven’t cried….as in sobbed. Tears in the eyes but not the ugly-cry! I am taking myself to a concert tonight! (Hope that doesn’t set me off but, if it does, oh well….)

  30. My H and I are planning our transformation ceremony for the evening of December 21 – it’s a two part ceremony (1)a letting go of our hurts, our old patterns, our flawed marriage and (2) a launching of a new beginning that requires our working hand in hand, his making amends, our honoring and respecting each other, our having honest and transparent communication, and our both fostering a truely intimate relationship. We are both know that it may not work out, but we are willing to take the risk to try. It has taken us 28 months to reach this point and realize it will most likely take another 28 before we both feel safe in our relationship.

    On the evening of December 21, the Winter Solsltice, I ask that you look up at the stars and wish us well – even toast us or send us a prayer. Thanks. That’s Mountain Time, by the way.

    Jenny K.

    Jenny K.

  31. Oh Jenny that us a wonderful thing and I’m sure many of us will remember u that night. I pray that u achieve the emotional intimacy that will make u feel safe and truly connected. God bless u both. I hope for that one day if not with my H, with someone.

  32. That is truly wonderful, Jenny K.! I will remember to send you a prayer on December 21!

  33. My lightbeam for today is…I almost have all of my shopping done for x-mas, the house is decorated and i love the tree of lights and the x-mas decor.

  34. I had a great day shopping with a good friend. I even bought myself some presents!!!

  35. About six weeks ago, I started working out with a trainer two times a week. I feel better than I have in decades. I think we all need to do this FOR OURSELVES, OUR PHYSICAL and MENTAL HEALTH…….no other reason. My goal is to get off the blood pressure medicine I started taking immediately post-discovery and to reverse the diabetes diagnosis I got a few months ago. I’m hearing James Brown singing “I FEEL GOOD!”

  36. Wow! Graduate school, new found self-esteem and self-love, new found jouex la vie, renewed hope for a relationship, visits with children and parents-all wonderful! And I would like to train my thoughts to think of the “light beams” instead of recycling old hurts in my mind.

    There are many blessings. All four of my children ages 22-2 are nested cozily in their beds this morning, healthy and safe.

    I feel grateful for the hot cup of coffee beside me and this supportive group of women here!

  37. Way to go, Betty! I hope you’re hearing “I FEEL GOOD!” today, too.
    Fatchance, thanks for sharing your hope!

    On Christmas day, I am grateful for whatever SANITY I have. The psycho-drama of living with an SA can just push me down the black hole sometimes … . But I believe I’m getting better at detaching, Thank God!
    ** Merry Christmas, Yall!

  38. My lightbeam is renewed friendship with a close friend of 30 years. When I was dating my ex SA it put a great strain on our friendship (she was really disgusted with me) and the only way we could seem to get around it was just not to talk about it but it was always awkward. It was hard because she was the only friend that I confided in about the situation. Recently, we cleared the air. She said that many times she had regretted that she wasn’t there for me during that time – although I know that it was impossible for her to make sense of it and she was extremely worried about me. It is wonderful to have our friendship back and not to have to tiptoe around things.

  39. I decided to use my name as my username instead of sadladyfromnj, I hope that is alright. =} But, my lightbeam for the day is that my hair finally stopped falling out and I went back to my normal weight. I just realized it and after discovery in May to moving out of our home in November I am finally making some progress emotionally…I think? I wish all my sisters a new year filled with peace, hope, and healing. =]

  40. My brother and sister-in-law are here for the Holiday. We are having a great time-went to a casino last night. My brother had a stroke 2 months ago (is only 56)and I was happy to see how well hes doing. I have three brothers and hes one of my favorites!

  41. Persuaded my friend to come and hear Adyashanti speaking in London in August! He was so important to my healing and I’m very excited.

  42. This website (thank you JoAnn, because it’s the best site for understanding sex addiction) and every site I read on the Cluster B personality disorders were my lightbeams when I was so confused — from meeting him in 2008, to 2010 when the fog finally cleared. Reading everybody else’s experiences and seeing that they were so similar to my own was so validating and helped me to stop taking it personally. Wishing everyone a very Happy New Year. xxx

  43. Yesterday my SA and I met with my two sons (20 and 23) and they learned about their father’s sex addiction, the trauma of origin, my PTSD and recovery, and my new hope for me, my SA and our family. They listened without judgment or anger. They spoke into the pain. They held onto each of us with love and support. It was a terrible day for so many reasons, but in the end, it was their grace and wisdom and love that spoke that last word on it. After feeling like such a failure myself, I had a chance to think that somewhere we did something right with these two young men, and they did something even better with themselves. I am so grateful for them. They are Light.

  44. Diane, please believe you are not a failure.
    I got chills reading your description of your sons “They listened without judgment or anger.” I don’t have children and I can’t even imagine how blessed you are with your sons’ response.

  45. Thanks for sharing that Diane. It is hard to knock down the image that our children had of their SA parent and my husband is so ashamed. It has taught my grown (23,24,26)daughters that a seemingly morally grounded man can be owned by an addiction as despicable as this. Hopefully they will have their eyes are open to all kinds of possibilities, but not be paranoid. They have treated him with real compassion, but also call him on things (white lies, etc) that they would have let fly before. Absolute integrity is a bigger thing for them now.

  46. My light of the day is to let everyone know that I will be appearing on a television show here where I am as part of the Chrome Divas. This is an all-women motorcycle club that I joined last year after I learned to ride. 🙂 I am excited about this.
    People have really noticed the difference in my demeanor since I decided to split from the SA spouse. What an incredibly freeing experience this has been.

  47. Congrats to you Marian. I also saw that book you suggested sounds interesting. Another one to get from the library, hope they have it.

  48. My two dogs are my light. They have so much love and trust in me and I for them; we are practically inseperable. The dogs sleep with me in the guest room during this in-house seperation. They are here when he is not. They love me and show it when he cannot. They don’t yell at me and they don’t have multiple personalities. They love me the way I am and I love them the way they are. If I did not have them to care for and them to care for me, I would be a basket case (more than I already am!). I get therapy from caring for my two miniature donkeys (people lovers) and my horse. They too, can sense emotions and have an uncanny way of making you smile when you don’t want to. I thank God that I have them all to fill a void in my heart and soul. And because I don’t have anyone else to share this horrible lifestyle and secret with they are truly my best friends.

  49. Miniature donkeys must be the cutest thing in the world. I have never seen one.
    I agree our animals save us and truely love us. I love mine as well, they are always loving, kind and happy to see me. The most they try to hide is the accident in the corner :-).

  50. I have started to step out socially without my husband. I was invited out Saturday night by a new girfriend to go out to eat and join 10 of her friends to listen to her son sing and play guitar at a local club. I had a great time and met some really nice people. The music was wonderful too. Didnt get home til 3am! Guess who made me breakfast the next morning….my husband!

  51. 1. My referral went through for counseling. I have an appointment on Monday with a female counselor who specializes in PTSD.

    2. My husband was bored at work this morning due to some techinical glitches in some kind of on-line training he was going through, so he took that time to work on his “circles” (I’m sure those of you whose husbands are in SAA are familiar with that- from what I understand, it’s kind of like prep work for establishing their own boundaries- correct me if I’m wrong.)

    3. I somehow managed not to kill my children this morning. (Mornings are always a battle for us, even when I’m not going through this kind of stress.) Yelled alot, but didn’t kill them. 😉

  52. I ordered a snow blower today, to replace the broken one (my husband). He moved out, said he would shovel the driveway, and it has not happened once this winter. So that ones broken. Ordered a nice new toro to replace him. Electric plugs into the outlet, only weights 24 pounds, and will not suck the life out me. Well worth the investment I think. 🙂

    Another light beam…snow storm tomorrow…no school = no work. Yes some of my favorite days.

  53. Thanks for the chuckle Flora 🙂

    My lightbeam is that next week, I am off on a week’s holiday with my husband. It will be good to get away.

  54. Here’s a thought for the day:

    Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

    If you can’t eat it or play with it:

    Just pee on it and walk away!

  55. My light beams are all of you wonderful ladies. We are really neat women…women who should be treasured, not abused. My light beam is the realization that if we have a fault it is loving/trusting too much. Our children will appreciate that “fault” someday…if not now. I do love the snowblower story…wish we would get some snow.
    Oh well, I will shake my favorite snow globe and dream…with dogs snuggled next to me.

  56. I’m so afraid to post here, for fear that I’ll somehow jinx my good fortune, but I’ve had an extraordinary week and it didn’t take much. First, my son is doing exceptionally well at the new therapeutic boarding school. Its truly a miracle— and I got a really BIG decorating job. Exquisitely mind blowingly gorgeeeeous home and a nice young, RICH couple. 🙂

  57. Laura 2, so good to read that you found a PTSD counselor.

    Flora, thank you for the snowblower story! I’ve noticed that I keep reading about all the good INTENTIONS … that seem to not become reality. My husband is working on removing 2 wax myrtle shrubs from our yard — it was more than 9 months ago that we agreed to plant something else. … O well, not important – right?

    HUGS to all~

  58. Today I got a lovely surprise — a raise in my salary :). I was in no way expecting it. While it is not much, it does help. It is another step closer to a greater goal – financial independence and control. Sa will remain uninformed about it. I’d rather share with our community!

  59. Congrats pam! I am happy today is saturday and i have two days off from that place called work.

  60. Today is the first day of the rest of my life…Im going to make it a good one!

  61. My light beam today is the joy and excitement I feel for my oldest son. It’s been a very long time since I’ve actually felt much more than, well, you know. Anyway, there are a few exciting things coming up for him which has caused me to look at him, really look at him. He has a ways to go, but he’s becoming a young man and I’m proud.

    The VFW sponsors a Loyalty Day “Gold Medal” award for an essay contest on “Voice of Democracy” for high school students in the area. My boys and I attended the ceremony over the weekend and he took first place. He received a certificate, $100., and is now eligible to compete in the state competition, also sponsored by the VFW.

    This is his second year participating in Speech & Debate. Last year he wanted to make it to nationals in the worst way, but he struggled and there was no way we could afford it. This year he found his niche, qualified for nationals and the finances fell into place, most of it due to the team’s hard work raising funds. In a few weeks I’ll be helping him prepare for his trip to DC. Last year my Mom came for a visit and we drove home with her (1400 miles) and stopped in DC for two days. He is aching to get back there.

    He will be attending his prom next weekend and yesterday we rented his tux. It makes me giggle envisioning how handsome and grown up he’ll look.

    Unfortunately, we weren’t able to find a way for him to attend a University this year, but in the coming weeks he’ll be taking a placement exam at a community college.

    Next comes graduation. Cap and gown, diploma in hand and thoughts of his future.

    It’s all somewhat bitter sweet. He’ll always be my baby, but he’s on the threshold of becoming a man and my baby isn’t really my baby anymore. And what makes all of this even that much sweeter is that he was born at 26 weeks gestation weighing in at a whopping two and a half pounds.

    He’s a smart kid, so much so that he often demonstrates his belief that his intelligence trumps my life experience (imagine that!) making for difficult situations sometimes. Nonetheless, he is my light beam (as is his brother) and I am proud.

    1. What a wonderful story. It brought tears to my eyes.

      Bask in the knowledge that you have done a wonderful job raising this fine young man and his brother.

      Thanks for sharing your joy with us.

  62. Hello everyone. I am at my low beam… I could really use some support. Found today my husband of 15 years is yet again…. pleasuring himself without me… I have noticed this for the past year and a half… but 8 years ago he came very close to sleeping with my best friend. My fear is that this time… we / our marriage won’t make it? I am scared because I am madly in love with him and I know he with me. I am scared because we have two children and what seemed to be a perfect life… If only he did not go in that bathroom … and come to me and share… We have tried sharing it together… his fetishes… like naughty sex… heck I am fine with it and turned on some too by it. But not to the point that I know others are the reason he gets excited and not me. We have been having what I thought was average sex for 38 and 41… Like 1-2 times a week sometimes more. Sometimes a little less. My thing is … even though He says he is so sorry, sickened by what he does…and cannot seem to keep from it seeping back into his head… and even sick… He hates it is killing every good thing in his life and wants help. I am here because I need help… What about me and my pain? Some sites tell me to love and support him through his illness. What about all my pain, and fear of being on edge of loosing it all every day for the rest of my life….? I don’t know weather to hang my hat now…. while I can and feel in part I should or stay beside him yet again. The first two times I found magazines… he was and has always been caught… and the third he wanted to call a prostitute to do a threesome…. then the fourth time was my best friend. (That was hard because she called me) They had been having phone sex..& even touched her butt when she came to my son’s 2nd birthday party when no one was looking…..He is sorry, morns his bad behavior’s destruction. He said he would get help 8 years ago and never did. He said he would work with promise keepers and he didn’t … All his promises were never really kept ever… in fact he said that two years or so he went with nothing… and pure… to me.
    Now that he got a company computer it is Internet porn I found in his google history almost every single day sometimes many visits a day… some days were skipped.. but not many. Then there is the content. The content is mostly x rated photos. & video. But then again he also knows that that computer is monitored by the administration of the place he works. I don’t have allot of money for a therapist…. and really don’t want to have to do any of this….I just want him stop… I want to find a place or site he and I can maybe walk through the steps separate but together. Is there like a book/ workbook where we could even journal and read to each other to relieve the frustration, hurt, pain, the these complicated feelings, of each of these very raw days pass? I am kind of sick of hearing just I am sorry. I want to know, who what when where this all started? All the ins and outs of it…. and I find it healing to write. So does he. I think he wants to open up to me about it … but to my face he hates seeing my hurt… and he breaks down… but I have to hear… I have to know…. or I will be forever stuck in the evil world of wondering??? That is what I will need to feel maybe strong enough to work on this future with him IF I CAN AT ALL. DOES ANYONE HAVE RESOURCES FOR ME? MARRIED COUPLES SEX ADDICT JOURNALS TO SAVE THERE MARRIAGE? Maybe.??? Websites, hot lines, books, I got him a kindle for Christmas. How and where do I find the strength to care take, for THIS???
    How can I look at him, or myself without sobbing uncontrollably.

    Thank you for your time …. Kimberly & Paul Fowler WV

    1. Dear fowerok,

      I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I hope that by reading some of the stories and comments here you will find some support and answers.

      The best website that I know of to help couples and individuals who are struggling with Sex Addiction is Recovery Nation. Several of the women here, as well as myself, have used their resources. Here is a link:

      http://www.recoverynation.com/

      If you go back to the home page in the left column there are some good websites under ‘Blogs’ and ‘Resources’ that you might find helpful.

      I also have a paid membership site ($15.00 per month) where women sign in daily and offer support, advice and share their struggles with each other. It is a great support group. You can find out more about that here:

      http://sisterhoodofsupport.com/subscribe/

      My thoughts are with you my dear. I know you are hurting but your seeking help is a very good sign. If there is anything more I can do for you just let me know.

      JoAnn

  63. Hello everyone, I hit my high beam, and here is my story.
    When I was in high school I was on a dating website that everyone was on in high school and out of high school. I met my husband from that site and we went on 2 dates. When then he had confessed to me he was in a relationship and just wanted to be friends. So I said sure to being friends, and he was breaking up with his girlfriend at the time because she had found out about me. His girlfriend called me and I said I was only his friend. His relationship then ended with her. He had told me he liked me and I really liked him, so we dated only for a 2 months and then broke up with me saying he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. 6 months later we started talking again to see if we wanted to date. After 3 months I knew he was lying to me and must have been talking to another women. He then said he just wanted to be friends and I found out he was with someone else. I hated him for that more then anything, I just didn’t get it I knew he liked me but I couldn’t understand why he was always hurting me. We didn’t talk for 2 and half years.
    He contacted me after 2 and half years, where as I completely forgot about him. We started talking again just as friends because I was figuring out my own stuff out in life and I wasn’t angry with him, I was just over it. We talked for a good few months and it seemed that he had grown up a lot and changed. I saw him for the first time at a club and he kissed me. I didn’t think anything of it cause for me it was to see if I was over him from the past. I thought I was over him but he had told me he wanted to date me again cause he couldn’t stop thinking about me over that period of time that we weren’t talking. So I gave him another chance cause I couldn’t fight the fact that I had feeling too. We started dating January 1st 2009.
    So for our first year anniversary I planned a trip to Mexico. We said it would be our gift to each other. I surprised him down there with a card; he didn’t even do that which hurt a lot. About 2 weeks after getting home from our trip I got a call from a friend saying my boyfriend at the time had messaged her on a dating site. I lost it and called him about it and he lied and said it wasn’t him and he hasn’t been doing anything. So I had to find a way to find his profile and get into his account. It was him and he was messaging lot of women. So he later on admitted it and wanted to make it work. I was really hurt and keep thinking “what’s wrong with me, am I not good looking enough”. I put myself down a lot. He had said this was the only site that he was on. I then checked his phone and found girls names on it and called one of them, and she said they had met up for coffee once and she didn’t know he had a girlfriend. He went for therapy and so did I, and we tried to make our relationship work. So by September 2010 we went to Florida for vacation and I finally feel back in love with him, our relationship changed for the better, I was very happy. On the way home from Florida I found girls numbers on his phone and asked him about it and he said they where just friends. I told him to delete them, but he thought he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was like I had to threaten to leave to make him delete the numbers.
    Around the end of October I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to keep the baby and do the right thing and make it work. He said he wasn’t going anywhere and wanted the same thing. It was really scary and hard on him until we told our parents. We decided we wanted to get married cause we loved each other very much. So we married January 29th 2011.
    He said he wanted to live at his parent’s house until he was done school cause I lived far away. So by March he moved in and we lived with my parents and sister. Everything was amazing it was like being married made our relationship so much better. We had our daughter July 6th 2011.
    I started having really bad dreams about my husband having sex with people and my gut feel was that something was up. He wasn’t doing it on our computer, but every time I wanted to use his phone he was being weird about it. So about 2 weeks ago early in the morning I went through his emails and finally came across what I was looking for. I found a wed site that he was on and it was a sex chat website where u sex talk meet up, whatever it is you can do. I confronted him about it and told him to leave, and that I want nothing to do with him. Again he lied to my face saying he wasn’t doing anything. I had to find away to get into his profile and I say that he had pictures up of his penis. I was so hurt and realized this is more then just cheating, that this is a serious problem. The day after we got married up until February 11th he was asking women to call him and have fun and have a quickie.
    And this whole time I have been finding more and more. I’ve been smart about it in a way cause I have been telling him I know more just to get him to confess. He has old me more then what I know. He said he has been on tones of this site ever since we dated. He never told me about it last time. He had been spending thousands of dollars on porn sites. But he was doing it on his phone when having a coffee at work. He told me when we where dating he went to spas and got hand jobs a few times. I kept on asking him for a lie detector test, but he always says no. I have been trying to support him and I know I can’t help him. I now he wants help because for once he is coming to me and telling me everything slowly. I went to a therapist with him last night and after that on my way home I told him I would not live with him until he takes that test. So he then texted me saying I can’t confess this over the phone cause im to embarrassed but I want to confess everything to you. He then told me he watches porn on his phone and that he hasn’t been on those dating sites and that he hasn’t meet up with anyone from those sites. But for me not to find out he has been having sex and everything else after work by going to these spas.
    I feel so sick right now, and I have a baby that’s not even 3 months. I just don’t know what to do. I know he is really sick but I am to now, I need help myself. I told him this is too much for me to handle now and I can’t be with him. He’s so desperate to be a family and to get better. I really feel like I don’t deserve this and I don’t want to be affected by this. I’m only 25 and I don’t want to picture my life as being a watchdog over my husband. I’m afraid for my daughter and myself. I feel bad for him and love him but I’m afraid I’m going to make myself go crazy and never have trust. I just don’t want to be married feeling these ways. I’m so turned off in everyway. I need help!

    1. I am working my way through a book called Mending the Shattered Heart. It has helped keep me grounded through the confessions from my husband that he slept with a co-worker. I am also seeing a therapist and attending S-anon meetings. Some days I don’t feel like this is enough support, but it’s a good start. My husband also wants to make it work and is attending SA meetings along with therapy, and like you I am so repulsed by him at the moment I can’t even imagine having sex with him again. But I am learning that I need to heal and grow stronger on my own before I can be a healthy partner whether it be with him or another down the line. With out the growth work I am terrified I might make the same mistake again (maybe even worse). You are not alone.

  64. I just noticed nobody has posted a lightbeam in almost a year! So, to revive this link,
    I thought I would. This Christmas my focus is different. Instead of rushing around trying to buy tons of stuff, I am focusing on what matters most, relationships. After 17 month since discovery, I am happy to report that my husband is still “sober” since discovery. He has struggled some with temptations, but we are on a healing path of itimacy. His parenting has changed,his willingness to socialize, and especially his ability to be intimate. I have learned boundaries, am working on my self-worth issues, and have increased my own ability to be intimate(which I didn’t think I had an issue with) My daughter’s grades are much better than 6 months ago and she is being much more respectful without having opportunities to play her parents against eachother. I have completed 3 college classes this semester and am one step closer to 2 undergraduate degrees I am working on. Although, I will never be the same, I look forward to continued healing for our family and building trust.

    1. Oops! After I posted, I realized I was reading out of order and there were posts…Oh well, it was still fun to share! 😉

  65. I feel stronger than I have in months, maybe years. I am not crazy. I am not enabling. I am not confused. I am not stupid. I am not selfish. I am not inconsiderate.

    I am now recommending a book that I hope we all will take the time to read: ‘Why does He DO That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men’ by Lundy Bancroft. Oh my. While I do not agree with every single conclusion, I reserve the right to come to some of my own, however, this book describes exactly WHAT SO MANY OF US ARE EXPERIENCING. Much of the descriptions of the behavior we have endured that I have read inh SA literature has been ascribed to addiction, to my coaddiction, to trauma from his addiction, but this author puts it squarely in the realm of abuse. ABUSE. Plain and simple.

    He is abusive. He acts from a mind set of entitlement. He is perfectly aware of his actions and their impact on me. He thinks he has the right to control me through lies, manipulation, and denigration.

    I think I have been dancing around this truth, hindered by SA and addiction jargon about shame, and dopamine, and safety, and fear. It is all about control. It is about actions against my interests based on those feelings which he justifies because he is entitled. That is not acceptable to me. I choose not to accept being treated with abuse. Not from what culture or media portrays, not from my childhood, not from my own conditioned responses or core beliefs. I choose better for myself.

    Respect me and treat me that way, or get out of my life.

  66. The holidays were very nice; we’ve rarely fought and we’ve gotten along well. We fired our therapist because he is a kook!! He mentioned that he was NOT a licensed SA specialist and that we would probably fair better with one and said he would search our city for one for us. We mentioned the only CSAT in our city to him and he knew who she was but he came back and told us that no therapist in our city that had experience with or training in SA therapy (including the CSAT) took our insurance and that we were stuck with him unless we wanted to pay out of pocket. After being treated poorly and like I should cater to my husband and like my feelings and needs didn’t matter and after we both noticed that he played us against one another. I made a few calls and found he was lying about the insurance and we’ve made and appointment with a CSAT the only one in our city and she does take insurance but she books up very quickly. I made the appointment in December and we weren’t able to get in until February 8th. He also told us about a weekend trip he took with his wife wherein the weather was rainy and they were stuck inside. He mentioned that he thought of us and wrote up a plan for us; we thought that was nice; but when we went to pay he charged us for that!!! I am glad to be away from him!!

    I look forward to getting back to therapy because my husband has pretty much stopped doing any work of his own for recovery sake. He isn’t acting out (so he says and I don’t find any proof, so I believe him. Though he did spend over 2 years lying and hiding things from me, so who really knows but him). RN was his big thing that he was really all about but he’s even stopped doing this but I don’t push him because I don’t want him to do it because of me; he’s got to do it on his own. RN states that someone who is trying to heal from being a SA show signs of healthy progression and only not acting out is NOT a good sign; so I’m pretty scared. Plus there are still little things that bother me here and there. I mean of course it still bothers me that my husband had 2 affairs. One with someone I had an idea about but he totally made me feel like I was crazy and the other someone I knew someone I was friends with at one time and Facebook friends with someone he STILL works with. That’s not cool. And of course all of the prostitutes; wow, I just can’t seem to get over this stuff. But it’s a process and I’m sure it will be easier to deal with later rather than sooner. I often change my stance on which I wish it would of rather have been. Only the 2 affairs or only the prostitutes; I never really settle on one I just hate that there’s both.

    I’ve grown quite a bit and learned a great deal in the past few months with discovery being in October I’ve gotten myself to a place I only dreamed I could be at back in October but I suppose some of that is due to the fact that my husband seemingly isn’t acting out and he is more attentive to me than prior to discovery. I just can’t seem to get past the insecurity part. The part when I have on a skirt or cute/sexy underwear of I feel that I look really great on a particular day and he says or does nothing he simply just doesn’t notice. I think to myself “what the hell, he was boning all of these whores and he doesn’t give a shit what he has at home” but I shouldn’t let that bother and I suppose I will learn and grow more and hopefully know how to handle situations like that. I am just so damn fearful of another discovery.

    Tonight I begin stage 2 of the Partner’s Workshop on Recovery Nation; lesson one is entitled “Preparing Yourself For Change” well I tell you, I’m ready. I really like what this part of the lesson has to say about “In preparing yourself for change” I just have to remember what it says and I like that the next paragraph’s title is “Establishing A Safe Haven For Healing” I’m ready to finish this entry and begin to learn how to take care of me.

    Do I sound like I’m where I’m suppose to be? Does anyone else have these same thoughts and fears and insecurities? What do I do about my husband not wanting to do the work? He says he feels a bit scared and that it’s difficult. He says that porn was his problem not character defects; he watched too much porn which led to his affairs and prostitutes. I feel like this is a red flag! Should I be worried?

    One last thing, while I’ve typed this my husband and I our lying in bed, he finished a book he was reading, closed it, acknowledged me, grabbed his computer and opened up Recovery Nation (I was super excited) but that didn’t last long. He’s now looking a photos on Facebook. Oh well….too bad he feels that’s more important than healing himself more important thank our relationship and more important than me. It really does make me sad.

  67. I wanted to take a moment to share something that has been helping to heal from past wounds. It’s called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and it has actually been a blessing. So, far it has helped me to heal from a wound (my father kidnapped my brother and I when I was two), that has haunted me and has been one of the things that has affected me emotionally. Because of this treatment I have been able to deal with that childhood wound and heal from it. It helped me to see the situation for what it truly was and how it was not something that I could of done anything about but that it was ok. I left smiling, finally putting that behind me and feeling God’s love for me even back then!

    1. That’s funny, I just started EMDR too and it is helping me as well. It is good for gaining control over the subconscious thoughts that effect behavior and overcoming trauma…Thanks for sharing Amy!

    2. I’m a psychologist, but not formally trained in EMDR but studied it college and when I found myself needing help for the PTSD symptoms I choose the so the light therapy sessions on YouTube. You would benefit more by reading about the thoughts processing steps. The US govt has endorsed EMDR for spoilers dealing with PTSD .

  68. My husband of 24years is SA. Today was may day of Discovery. He told about his cheating last week, but today I know the extent of his insanity, full blown insanity. During the week he was disclosing more and more. I am not sure even now, that’s all. I am in shock of extent of his lies and deceptions, and how I was clueless. My counsellor told me yesterday that I am gullible. I guess I am. I cannot tell anyone. I am not sure how to live through this day. If I am to stay with him ( we have kids 7 and 3), how can I protect myself, how to deal with him and his addiction. One moment I want to help him, another moment I think I am enabling him. Do I need sacrifice more years of my life to him? I am in pain.

    1. Alina,

      I feel for you so much. The pain and confusion and betrayal you feel are so intense and so hard to adequately articulate. My “best bud” husband disclosed a 25 year history of unimaginable betrayal 3 years ago, and it still stuns me. You must seek someone to talk to, but be careful that they are trustworthy (the only close friend I confided to turned out to be part of the problem) We have all lived variations of your story, but each has it’s own unique hell. When I feel despair, I remember that God witnessed my whole life and knows exactly what I’m feeling. Choose your counseling carefully as some inflict more trauma and pain as they stick to the model of co-dependence for all. There are definately co-dependent spouses, but it doesn’t apply to all and you need to find support that is relevent to you. Please feel free to contact me if you need support. You only need to make decisions about your future as you have clarity about them. No one can rush you. You are in the drivers seat now. Love and hugs, Lylo

    2. HI Alina~
      My discovery was 2 years ago. I went through a year of depression and am finally on the other side. Not always, but in my case Discovery was just what he needed to bring him to his knees and break him. He hit his low and has not slipped once in two years. I know~we took a polygraph tonight! He still works through the struggle of “looking” at passerbys,but nothing else. Take care of yourself first and tell him your needs. Start making clear boundaries around what you need. You can “re-train” him to respect you the way you deserve. It takes time and hard work, but you can come out on the other side and heal if you love eachother.

  69. Thank you all for support. Today I went to SALON meeting, and felt so lonely there, they were talking about pornography, which would be the least of my problems. I disclosed the information to my older son, who is 23 years old. My husband still tried to down play the situation during the disclosure. My son, who is very emphatic, does not belief that he is honest about recovery. I glad to hear about polygraph test. If he lied for 20 years and I did not had a clue. He acted out during family vacation in Cuba this year. I looked at family pic, before and after acting out, I would never guess. So he has to agree to polygraph as a condition for staying in the house. I am so close to kicking him out, but I think I need to talk to professionals first. I am relieved know, for last 5 years of marriage were hell.

  70. My light beams for the past two weeks are a vow renewal with my husband, where we incorporated both of our children and renewed our marraige vows with our family present. After 2 and a half years of therapy and group counseling, we are both at such a different place and can be much more authentic. It is so freeing. The second light beam is that my husband has found his voice with his family and seeing him stand up for what he feels despite some of the other controlling people in the family is such a good sign of his recovery. I am proud of the hard work we have both put in and thankful that the love we have for eachother was able to carry us through to the light at the other side of this horrible, devastating challenge…

  71. I am one month post,first disclosure. Two days ago, after a month of trust building with my husband, I realized he had more to disclose. Distress abounds. My light beam: Every step of the way, I have encountered the right support, the right insight, the right friend. Yesterday and today, support came from my discovery of this website. I just listened to the first two interviews with Barbara Steffens. Her book is coming from Amazon, but with this new revelation, I just couldn’t wait. I didn’t have to. So far, I’ve read Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows. I was disturbed with the coaddict chapter, I read through twice. The second time I wrote NO or YES in the margin based on my behaviors. The only YES was surrounding hyper-vigilant behavior. I kept thinking, what on earth am I supposed to do? My whole world has shattered around me, I’m figuring out the money spent on addictive behavior, so far $100,000+. That is a very large sum of money for our family! I felt my reactions were healthy under the circumstances. Thank God for Barbara Steffens and this new model of trauma. All other addiction literature,except sexual addiction, let go of the coaddict model. Hmm…

  72. Hello Everyone. Not sure if this is the place for a post like this, so if it’s not, please let me know, and forgive me, but this is the only place I have come across on line where partners can post. I need some perspective, advice and direction… Of course, this is a very condensed version, with lots left out, but here is the gist: I have been involved in a partnership for about 10 years with a man who I knew had some “boundary problems” prior to our relationship–things that did give me pause and concern, but I was smitten and of course thought it could be different with us. Over time, I found the voice to push through his defensiveness to ask questions when I felt my alarm bells go off, and to draw my boundaries and expectations. I insisted on honesty and transparency. He mostly agreed to these things, albeit somewhat reluctantly. (He had lost two prior relationships to affairs.) Still, I have never felt completely safe and my stomach often felt twisted up, even though he assured me that he was acting in honesty and integrity. We don’t live together. He has been wishy-washy all along about whether he is committed wholeheartedly to the relationship. Recently, in the past 10 months or so, he has been increasingly withdrawn, most of his passion is gone, he is having angry outbursts toward me, and he isn’t interested in spending time together–it all seems like a burden to him. He recently told me about a co-worker he is attracted to and has “some fantasies” about, and I witnessed him making an mild boundary-crossing comment to another female co-worker. He recently lied about non-sexual yet somewhat intimate online exchanges with two other women (he doesn’t know that I know he lied). He also says he watches porn “occasionally”. He gets angry when I press for more info, and shuts down. I get that he feels like I am trying to “control” him. My gut tells me that where there is smoke, there is fire, yet everything seems so unclear and nebulous. I don’t “think” he is sleeping with anyone, yet I have been in complete panic mode for two + weeks. How can I find out what is really going on? My brain fills in the gaps, but I could also be plain wrong. Thank God I have a supportive friend who I am talking to, and I also called a SA treatment center for a consult to support me, I feel totally crazy because as far as I know, he isn’t even doing anything!! I’d appreciate any comments. Thanks so much.

    1. Listen to your gut. Run. If you’re right, you’ll save yourself unfathomable time and pain. If you’re wrong and he’s “not doing anything”, you’re ending a relationship you’re already unhappy in–with someone you already don’t trust.

      1. Thanks so much. I am asking those out there who have far more knowledge and experience with these matters this question: Is it possible that a man with a prior history of sexually compulsive behavior (losing two marriages through multiple affairs, and other boundary crossing behaviors like inappropriate touching. seductive eye contact, sexualized language, masturbatory fantasies. and “some” porn–as far as I know) could recover or stop these behaviors without treatment? He doesn’t like to talk about any of this, and says he has “dialed his behavior way down” but he is also resentful of the limits I am asking for (which is a cessation of all these things). Am I asking for too much? Is what I am asking for possible from a man with a history like this? Is treatment essential? What kind of attitude and willingness to dissclose (and at what level) would I expect to be seeing if he was serious about changing his ways and/or in recovery? Thanks so much for your sharing…

  73. Muriel. please. there is nothing unclear or confusing with his behavior. Why there are more red flags flying high here than there are people in China! Please. please. This man is toxic and very DANGEROUS! You are not special to him. or different/better/worse–anything. NO WOMAN IS. And no, he cannot and will not change. That shutting down, sullenness… quick to anger over nothing? If he cannot disclose ALL and move heaven and earth to CHANGE and not be the kind of man lies, cheats and hurts every healthy woman he comes in close contact with, then Please, please, save yourself, your soul and your sanity and break it off. He will cause you nothing but pain and suffering. guaranteed. BTW, this is supposed to be the place on this site for happy things in our lives. So, I will end this with saying that I can tell that you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul and deserve peace and the love of a truly good man. best wishes to you. K

  74. Hi there,

    I know this is supposed to be about positive stuff but I’m stuck and I need some advise.I caught my boyfriend with porn last week and its the 2nd time now. He always used to say that its disgusting and he can’t believe people watch porn, so when I found it was a huge shock to me. He admitted he has a problem and is going for help. I love him and we have been dating for 5 years with talk of marriage. The problem is that I don’t know if ill be able to get over this and be intimate with him in any way again. How do I deal with this? Should I deal with it or just I walk away from this long relationship and admit defeat. My head says leave but my heart says stay. Can the help he is going for really help and get him to stop? And will things ever be the same again between us?

  75. I think all the ladies on this site are lightbeams. It takes courage to look reality in the face and stop trying to believe in fairy tale lives. We are all wonderful creatures who will find other things to make us happy, even a sunset can be quite moving.

  76. I have big lightbeams (my grown children and their spouses) and two little lightbeams (my grandchildren). They are funny and smart and challenging and I love spending time with them. And they have family pets that add smiles and funny moments to each day.

    Thanks to resources like this website and links, I’m healing enough to really feel the joy in life again. This is interesting as well as awesome, as it feels finally like a huge weight, that seemed to be a forever thing, is lifting.

  77. Just before New Year’s Eve, I read a book and watched a number of You Tube videos done by Dr Gabor Mate’, a Canadian physician. My husband of 17 years is a former Meth addict-drug-clean 24 years but, as far as I can now tell, a life long sex addict in denial. My major Discovery of his sex addiction came 5 mo. ago. Dr. Mate’s book, In the Realm of the Hungry Ghost, contained a chapter on healing & wellness through use of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy approaches in a 4 Step process. This has helped me finally not waste my time and energy in obsessive and depressive though about my husband to the detrement of my work and life. While I am just beginning to be more productive, with occassional daily setbacks, my improvement has been transformational in the past few weeks. I refer you to his written works and his You Tube videos as a light beam that have helped me, a 60 year old wife, even as I stuggle in separating from my active sex addict husband.

  78. I have a gorgeous grandson Mikhael. We call him “Mik Dreamy” what a gorgeous little angel. I thank God for him. When my two baby’s (my daughter Ashleigh) and my darling little boy are around. My life springs up flowers all around.
    Can’t wait to see them today.

    New life, new hope…

  79. Hi All,

    I posted my first message a year ago on 21st of June 2012. I was traumatised and bewildered. at the terrible things my husband did. Thank you all for the support on that day. I did not have a clue what I will go through during the year. It was tough. I got more disclosure and knowledge of terrible deeds of my SA husband. What I can say a year later, I am better, I am healthier, emotionally and spiritually. I went to SANON and I work my steps, concentring on my own recovery. SA works his own recovery program, and he is sober during this year. He is changing slowly. Program does work, but it is takes time and patience.

    Alina

  80. The most enlightening and positive act is to to first leave, and never return no matter what. Second, learn what attracted you to this person, and what attracted him to you. Third, trust your instincts when someone or something feels “wrong.” Finally, do not get sucked into sob stories. Send money to your favorite charity instead!

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