Staggered Disclosures

disclosuresWhy can’t they just tell me everything and get it over with?

That is probably the most painful cry of spouses and partners of Sex Addicts. We get information in bits and pieces, or as one woman put it, ‘on the installment plan’. Even when confronted with black and white evidence Sex Addicts just can’t seem to admit what they have done. Even though we beg them for the whole story we only get a few paragraphs at a time.

And every time a new ‘truth’ comes out, every time we hear another contradiction or find out about another lie we feel as if the old wounds have been ripped open and doused with salt. And with every new disclosure we are thrown back to square one, left to start all over again picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of it all.

Why do they do it?

Sex Addicts live a life of shame. They are ashamed of who they are and what they have done.  They are ashamed of their childhood and ashamed of just existing. When confronted with questions or when they are forced to face what they have done they withdraw from the conflict, finding safety in their unreal fantasy world that has been their security blanket for most of their life. Their emotional immaturity makes it impossible for them to be accountable, to ‘face the music’ and take the consequences for what they have done. So they lie. They don’t know what else to do. Lying has been their way of life for so long they don’t even know how to tell the truth–or even what the truth is.

Eventually, through counseling, support groups, introspection and recovery, and with a firm commitment to the relationship and to themselves, the Sex Addict may learn to trust you enough to disclose their deepest secrets. But, until then all we can do is try to understand why they act the way they do as this understanding is what helps us begin our own healing.

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we’ll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy. ~ Richard Bach

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Responses

  1. Hi JoAnn,
    I know this is an old post, but how long does it usually take for the truth to come out? My SA still maintains his story of porn use and no more. But there is a bit of evidence to the contrary (however I don’t have hard evidence), however he will not budge on his story.

    So how long can this take…or can it be never?

    I read the ebook on recovery which was great. I am guessing there is no real sure answer. But I was just curious.

    Also it seems with the SA’s they are trying to preserve their marriage through whatever means necessary, lying being a big one. Mostly to cover their tracks. So have you ever found it necessary to divorce or seperate indefinatley to get the the real truth? In doing this you have taken away the thing they most fear losing already, thereby, removing the reason to lie. Any thoughts from anyone are greatly appreciated and I was just curious if anyone else had any thoughts on this as well.

    P.S. I have maintained over the years if the SA was cheat that it is over. So he has every reason to lie and keep it under wraps. Also it has been about 10 months since the first d-day, and 7 months since the real slip up that I found, not disclosed (all porn as he maintains anyway).

  2. Flora, I can see the date you wrote this so I do hope you have had some information on disclosures from someone. However, all I can say from what I have read is they say it can take months to years for some individuals to disclose fully, I guess it depends on their situations. Hope you have found help.